Post by Leon "Purple" Hayze on Sept 18, 2017 9:28:29 GMT -5
Leon”Purple” Hayze – “The One Where Monica’s a C*nt”
{As our view comes into focus, we see the cameraman panning around slowly to what looks like a nice apartment; with lights on throughout the living room we are standing in, and seeing the large window open to a sprawling city with lights ablaze, it’s clear to see that it’s night time. When we see kanji on some of the signs, we can only assume that we are in Tokyo. After looking around the well-appointed room for a moment, the cameraman moves around to sit on a black leather love seat. When seated, we pan just a bit to the right to see Leon “Purple” Hayze with his legs stretched out on an ottoman in the same black leather. Wearing a pair of jeans, a somewhat obscured, black Godzilla t-shirt on with a dark green hoodie over that, he looks to be quite at ease with his hands clasped behind his head. A huge grin is plastered across his face, and his eyes are pink, yet we see no smoking utensils or herbal flowers littering the small, squat coffeetable of cherry wood, just in front of where Leon’s legs rest.}
L”P”H: So you got it man, you got what we need right Jimmy?
Cameraman: Yeah man, but it was hard to get; even here it was hard to get.
L”P”H: Yeah, well let’s do this thing. You were the one who wanted to see what it was all about man. I know all about it, but you don’t. First off, go set it up; can’t get into it if it’s not set up properly, ammiright?
Cameraman: True, true. Just gimme a minute to get it all ready.
(Our view fades out momentarily, only to fade back in on an old, squat, rectangular piece of technology in a little nook under the 60 to 70 inch t.v.)
(From off screen) L”P”H: To those uninitiated, that my friends is a VCR, aka, video cassette recorder. We ain’t recordin shit though, but man we are watching something though. Man, (The camera swings around to focus back on Leon’s face) I’m a little nervous about this shit though. I mean, I’m not embarrassed about …
Cameraman: You’re not embarrassed that you were in a porno, just to give the audience some perspective as to what we’re talking about. The way you were talking a few minutes ago was like you were settin up a lame, us getting ready to get blazed in Tokyo skit.
L”P”H: Oh yeah, aha ha ha ha, I bet they were thinking I was going to have you try and score weed in Japan. Man, I like my herb, but I ain’t stupid. Let’s just say I’ve taken some precautions to uhh, ya know, stay up and not get thrown down into a jail cell. That’s all I woulda needed, before my big debut at WAR! Naw man, I had an arrest here years ago, back when I was wrestling here. Tell ya what folks, you DON’T want to be a gaijin in a Japanese jail cell. It’s rough business man, and that’s all I’m gonna say concerning that matter my friends! I’ll never make that mistake man. See, what I had—oh hey, I got my own cameraman WCF! My good friend Jimmy Kring! Say hi to the people Jimmy!
( Jimmy awkwardly waves his hand in front of the camera, as it’s still trained on Leon Hayze.)
L”P”H: Awww, your shy. How kawai!!! So yeah, don’t worry WCF, we ain’t screening a porno for you, ‘cause like, I’m sure that breaks all sorts of rules. But yeah back in the early 2000’s a little production came out that yours truly starred in. I’ll explain more after you see the c…actually, don’t think we can even show the cover. You wanna tell ‘em the title or should I?
J K: Hmmm, I guess I will, though should I say something like….c….I mean, you know, for that one word?
L”P”H: Yeah, we can cuss in the WCF, but not everyone’s comfortable with that word. In fact man, yeah that’s a good idea; a lot of people are majorly UNCOMFORTABLE with that word. I kinda liked being in England for a year, just as far as that little detail was concerned. Actually, there was a lot to like about liv…ahhh, I’m going off on a tangent. Anyway, I dunno, yeah, just say c word, or the c word.
J K: O.k., but you have to do that impression after I say it—that could be good context into the whole story behind this, ahem, movie you were in. (Leon nods, though looking somewhat reluctant). Fuck F * R * I * E * N * D * S: This is not Friends: Part 1.
L”P”H: (Busting out a very good, if outdated imitation of Chandler) No, No, n-n-n-NOO. Could this imitation BE more irrelevant in 2017? I mean…( Leon trails off, blushing a bit.)
J K: Yeah I suppose not, so what’s the deal with this flick? And we’re actually gonna watch some of it?
L “P”H: Yeah, don’t worry man, I didn’t get to fuck in this movie, not like we could or should screen that for the WCF audience at home man. I was pissed about that though man, the chick they had playing Racheal was damned hot! I mean, I don’t know if they ever got together on the real show, but you know porno’s man. Everyone fucks everyone, and it’s all good. They could have easily gotten away with Chandler and Rachel hookin up! I’m not into blondes as much, but Phoebe was plenty sexy too. Monica, not so much…but still quite fuckable. So uhm, we’ll just have—if we can’t avoid omitting any tits, ass, or bush—them edit away--as the Brits might say--naughty bits. I gotta say, for a porn it was funny, and imitating Chandler like I can, they quickly cast me into the part. I wasn’t wrestling at the time, but I was still well known and fresh in wrestling fans’ minds, so it was a win-win. I didn’t make an awful lot, but oh well. What really sucked was…I’m almost embarrassed to admit this.
J K: After breaking out a 20 plus year old imitation, and admitting you were in a porno, what the hell do you have to be ashamed of?
L”P”H: Well it’s ahhh…kinda a funny story though, so let me tell that before we que up my big scenes. Shit, probably should have done this ahead of time man, coulda edited all my scenes together. Ahh, but millennials will get to see how we watched videos back in the day! Anyway, so believe it or not man, there was a script for this fine feature film.
J K: Your kidding me; a porn flick with a script?
L”P”H: Yeah man, well it’s a parody, so it did need some kinda script. I tell ya though, after they told me I got the part, they handed me this thin little 10 or so page thing, and I just got baked when I got home and figured I’d wing it; read up a little on it a few hours before the first—well the only—day of shooting, and I’d be good, ya know? And that’s just what I did, woke up a bit early, and I can still remember it man. It’s like 730 in the morning, I just finished my coffee and a bowl, and I was all ready to see what Chandler Boink, get it, get it…boink?
J K: We get it Leon man, real damn funny.
L”P”H: It wasn’t my joke man, shit I didn’t write it. Anyway, so I’m getting into this thing, and well. Here is the funny part. Turns out this is a bisexual movie, and I ain’t just talkin about some lesbian scenes sprinkled in. I mean, this flick was all the way bisexual man, ya know? The way I find out is that I have no fuck parts, except for a gay scene with Joey!
J K: Did yo…
L”P”H: Naw man. Look, I’m down for the LGBTXY and Z community, and whatever other letters need to be thrown in, but my Purple headed warrior only enters the side ways cavern man, not the dirty plunge into the nether hol…
J K: Yeah we get it dude (sounding exasperated).
L”P”H: So at this point it’s too late to cancel my part of this project, and let’s be honest, I needed the money. I had suffered my first major injury only two-ish months earlier, I was gonna be on the shelf for near to a year, and I needed the cash. So here’s what I figured I’d do, I was like, lemme just do all the talking scenes—I was proud of that Chandler imitation at the time and I wanted to let it shine baby!—and I’ll just say that my little man got stage fright, when it came to the sex scene.
J K: The fact that I see “Wrestling Mega-Star,”…mega-star? But wait, couldn’t you have just told them that you weren’t bi? I mean, if your straight, your straight, right?
L”P”H: I was big at the time man; plus that helped sell copies at the time, I’m sure. Plus, about the proposed sex scene. If I had a problem with it, I should have brought it up before the day of the shoot, right? I shoulda been a good little boy and read my script right away, if you really think about it.
J K: Yeah, awkward situation man. Anyway, the fact that I see that dubious moniker as far as you are concerned…
L”P”H: Man, I got you this freelance gig right? I did have to jump through some minor hoops to get a friend, and independent cameraman to film my shit, with the WCF. I mean, you do know that right man?
J K: I’m just fuckin with you man, you can’t take a joke?
L”P”H: Right, right; dunno, not as high as I’d like to be.
J K: How are you even high at all right now?
L”P”H: Look man, the advancement of getting high has gone to amazing highs, pun intended, with the Western and other states legalizing it. I’m not gonna say exactly how, but just know that I am man.
J K: You’ll have to share you ‘amazing’ secrets with me later, by the way.
L”P”H: ANYWAY, back to the porno, right?
J K: Right, right; where were we?
L”P”H: So they weren’t real happy with me, and actually threatened to lessen the amount of money they were gonna pay me, and then I told ‘em that I could walk and then they don’t have a somewhat know…well I guess, celebrity, billed on the box. Basically man, I took off my shirt and let the dude kiss me on the cheek, as “we” started to took our clothes off…
J K: Wow DeNiro, way to get into the role. I thought you said…
L”P”H: Man, if you just let me finish. So all I really did was take my shirt off. If one were to go out and, be so inclined as to enjoy that sex scene, then one would never see my face again. That was the last sex scene anyway. So you basically just have a stunt cock, as it’s known in the business…
J K: Ooh, look how much of an insider you are, ha ha ha, like no one’s ever seen Boogie Nights. Go on Mr. Wahlburg!
L”P”H: Ha, ZING! Yeah well, I’ve never watched beyond that. I have some good, non-physical, scenes in the kitchens and living rooms of the vaunted apartments man, so yeah. I did actually get to bang the chick that played Janice; she wasn’t a marquee chick, and she was 420 friendly, so yeah that was nice. We actually ended up going out for like five, six months. [font/]
J K: Janice, which one was that?
L”P”H: Ya know, Chandler went out with her off and on. She had that real annoying voice, kinda like that Fran…uhhh that character in that one nanny show?
J K: You mean, dare I say it, The Nanny? Anyway, what broke up, what must have been, such a wonderful romance between not-Chandler and not-Janice ?
L”P”H: I was cool with her being a porn actress man, that didn’t bother me. Actually, she died of a heroin overdose Mr. Funny. How about that to kill the mood? Ahh shit, that’s actually kinda depressing. Uhm, why don’t we pick this back up later. I’m ready for some mutha fuckin udon, and to get past this bit of awkwardness man!
{The scene fades out momentarily, and when we come back in, we are back in the living room. We’re focused on the t.v. , and a horrible—legally acceptable—rendition of the Friends theme song starts playing as the title comes on. Leon’s title card comes on first, and a blur comes up after it shows three quick, non-sex clips followed by a blurred out shot of some…action. From off camera Leon starts to provide us with commentary.}
L”P”H: Yeah, so we’ll have to blur shit out for sure, actually why don’t I just fast forward to the title, it’s funny.
(After the actresses and actors are introduced, we see the title of the would-be episode is called “The One Where Monica’s a C&NT”.)
L”P”H: HA, that still makes me chuckle. Funny thing is, the actress who played her was really cast right, she was a total bitch—a real c word if you will. Super unapproachable man, but you better bet your ass the Purple Hayze tried to stick her with his purple wang…mang! Ooh, anyway, here’s my main scene.
(A shit looking production of Monica and Rachel’s apartment opens up, as Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Ross are seen sitting around the table. Leon “Chandler Boink” Hayze comes in through the door a moment later, doing his best to physically convey Chandler’s quirky, highly animated self to a reasonable degree of success. Quite frankly, it seems a bit too much, as it almost looks like Leon is on crack as he wobbles and flays his arms around before the gang finally ask him what is deal is.)
Chandler Boink: I SOOOO just got a date. Oh yeah, and she’s hot. I mean, like HOT, you know? I mean, could she BE any hotter? Never mind, you haven’t seen here. But trust me, she is THAT kind of level of hot.
(A quick shot to Joey showing him looking a bit sad for a moment, before cutting to Rachel and Ross.)
Rachel: …(the scene gets paused, with Leon exclaiming)…
L”P”H: Oooh, I gotta tell you all the hilarious names they came up with for everyone.
L K: Hmmm, these outta be good. Let’s here ‘em Leon.
L”P”H: So interesting little bit of editing there; we actually get a pay-off there, with Joey looking sad, considering it turns out that Joey and Chandler are actually gay and covering it up. But yeah, Joey BONEiatti. Then you have Monica and Ross GetONHER…I didn’t think that one was that clever. And you Pheobe…BOFFme...not bad, not great. Ehh, anyway, and of course you had the TITular, heh, Rachel Pink…not Green. I mean, that one wasn’t even clever at all, but I don’t suppose you couldn’t have done much with Green. A bit of hit and miss with this picture, as far as the parody names go.
J K: Huh, a porn without clever dialogue and lacking in a well written story? Whaddya know?!
L”P”H: Not surprising, yeah I know. I did like what they did for Chandler and Joey’s last names though. What’s super messed up is that Ross, Monica and Rachel have a sex scene. I mean, they do kinda cover it up later (the t.v. goes black with a [No Signal] box coming up a moment later as the camera swings around to Leon’s face again) by saying that Ross and Monica are only step-siblings.
J K: What gives, that’s all we get?
L”P”H: Yeah, well you get the gist. Man something that bugged me at the time. So this movie, with little over 40 minutes of actual ‘plot’ happening in just over 2 hours of run-time, it tried to cram in a bunch of spoofs on episodes that they could, and it was just a jumbled mess. Let’s face it though, no one’s there to hear funny one-liners and heart-tugging drama. Tugging your cock maybe, but OHHHH! So, anyway, there was that episode where Chandler and Joey had to pee on Monica’s leg ‘cause of a jellyfish sting, right? ‘Member that one?
J K: Shit Leon, I don’t really remember Friends that well. I mean it was o.k., but that was a long time ago.
L”P”H: Guilty pleasure, but I’ve been re-watching it on Netflix, so it’s kinda fresh on my mind. Anyway, we’re there at the beach, all in swim wear—perfect setup for some non-alcoholic sex on the beach, ya…
J K: Perfectly (you can practically hear the eye rolling in his Jimmy’s tone).
L”P”H: Right, so I picture a nice three way there right. Nothin. I mean, what a wasted opportunity! Anyway, that’s about it really. I didn’t really have any gems, as far as lines go, but whaddya gonna do, considering the material. Yeah, pretty disappointing to be on a porn flick, but not get to do any fuckin.
J K: So yeah, that was REALLY worth me going out and scouring Tokyo for nearly three hours to find a VCR.
L”P”H: Yeah well, I actually have a point to make on that man. I suppose I can take it from here Jimmy. I think it’s time for some one-on-millions time with the WCF fans here. Oh hey Jimmy, you were saying you wanted to share in my uhh, wealth, so to speak, earlier.
J K: Whaddya..oh wait, yeah I know what you mean. So what’s the secret?
L “P”H: If you go into the guest bedroom there, I have some Muddy Buddy knockoffs, a couple of chocolate bars, and some gummy rings in there. Take your pick man, but don’t take too much. I mean, we both got strong tolerances man, but that’s our rations until like the 2nd or 3rd of October. I’m staying here with my friend Hiroe until WAR is over and done with, so I mean that’s it. And you know me man, I always gotta stay up.
J K: Right, well I’ll only take like 20/30 miligrams worth, o.k.?
L”P”H: Cool shit, see ya later bud.
{Leon gets up and grabs the camera as he goes out into the balcony. With a somewhat uneven hand, he gets a quick look at the Tokyo skyline for a moment, before setting it down. He goes over to a little table with some outside, whicker-type chairs and sits down in one. Hayze turns the chair around from the panaroma to face the camera. He goes to open his mouth to speak, then apparently thinks better of it as he reaches into the pocket of the hoodie he has on. A moment later, he’s unwrapping the nondescript, small bit of packaging he’s handling to reveal a large cookie, half dipped in chocolate. Looking at the packaging again with his left hand while the right holds the cookie, he nods to himself and breaks off roughly a third of the cookie and stuffs it into his mouth, absent-mindedly setting the cookie down on the table. After finally swallowing it down after nearly a minute of chewing, Leon puts the package down on the small, glass table and looks into the camera.}
L”P”H: Yeah, gonna be feelin a lot better in about an hour man. That’s gonna be nice. I mean, I’m already doin pretty good, but you can always do better, ammiright? Anyway, let’s talk about some things WCF. First off, I got to SLAM 400 late, which I was so pissed at myself for. A lot passed over my head man, I’ll tell ya that. I could practically feel the history in the air though, and when the crowd reacted to people who had been gone awhile, I just KNEW that it was a big deal. Kinda like my journey back to the early 2000’s there with my first, but not only, foray into the adult world man, SLAM 400 delved into the past, and that’s to be expected man. A lot of big names in WCF’s past were there, and of course it’s present was represented to the fullest man, cause there were a lot of key matches. Big, big PPV-type feel to the whole thing man, and it was worth it. 400 episodes, not a lot of programming gets to that level of longevity man, ya know? Due to some confusion with me and management, and man that’s my fault again, I could only watch from backstage. Still, I’ve been talkin to Mr. Lerch, and it’s fully on man. WAR, I’m in that match, and I’m gonna do big things in that match man. I could win that thing, and I tell ya, what a great way to make a comeback. First, professional match back in the ring in eight years, and I earn a shot at the biggest prize of ‘em all. Yeah, and from what I’ve seen and—mostly heard—I’d be quite willing to step in the ring and plant a few size 13 boots into the smug mouth of one Stephen Singh. I’m ready to mix it up with any of these cats in the Main Event scene, but…OOOH, hold on man, I got cotton mouth like a sumabitch!
{After running back into the living room, there’s about thirty or fourty seconds of mostly quiet, with the exception of hearing cars motoring on their way and the dull, barely perceptible sound of mixed voices on the city streets below, Leon runs back into few with a large bottle of water. Once he takes a huge chug off the thing, nearly draining half of it, he noticeably sighs before continuing on. }
L”P”H: Yeah, I won’t say much more on the current World champ, but I don’t dig his style and I’d love nothing more than to bring him down a few pegs man! No disrespect to the legends of the past that came back, but for me I can only think about the future man. It’s a lofty goal to compete with so many names in one match, but Leon “Purple” Hayze has what it takes to go all the way and get that final pinfall or submission. Never been in a battle royal type of match with only pinfalls or submissions, should be real interesting man. Real interesting, but ya know, that’s me in a nutshell man. You never know just what to expect when you’re in that ring with me. Whether you have a title belt or not man, the boys in the back need to watch out for me. Just a newcomer, naw I don’t think one could say that and it sticking. I’m one to watch out for WCF! And if I don’t make it? Then I don’t make it, but I’m sure as hell gonna make a big impact. I’m truly going to ARRIVE in the Wrestling Championship Federation at WAR, and man I can’t wait. The 1st can’t come soon enough. Actually, I’m really looking forward to that whole month. I love Halloween, it’s a big deal to me. I try to watch a horror movie for every day in the month. This year though man, maybe I won’t have enough time to do that. Too busy working my ass off to rise to the top of this federation as soon as possible. I’m a patient man, but then again, I’m ready to show that sometimes greatness can’t wait for long. It’ll bubble to the surface soon enough, and when it does, yeah even the great Golden God of the WCF will have to take notice. Whether they want to see me as a credible threat or not, well man, that’s up to them. You look at me, and it’s real easy to write me off as a pothead and nothing more than a comedy act. I like to bring the funny, sure, but my wrestling skills are what brings me the money, and I’m ready to earn top dollar baby!
(Leon takes another, shorter pull from his water bottle before continuing on.)
L”P”H: All the talent in the WCF needs to understand that it would be a bad move to write me off as just a joke. Not much more to say about the matter I guess. I’m real excited to get back into the ring again, and WAR is right around the corner, but we’ve all got to wait and see what happens, don’t we? The fans, the wrestlers; we’ve all got to be patient as we wait for this huge PPV. I’ll be spending my time wisely man, upping my time in the gym, catch some Japanese federations, studying. Hmmm, yeah it’s time to wrap this thing up man. WCF wrestlers, I hope you’re ready to put on your helmets, shoulder your weapons, and dig into the trenches. I’ve got some major weaponry in my arsenal, and I’m ready to let it loose in this up and coming WAR man! Those who get in my way on my way to V-Day are gonna get the unpleasant surprise of seeing just how well I am at soldiering on to a path to me planting a Purple flag at the top of the WCF hill!
{Leon “Purple” Hayze grins into the camera a bit before turning his chair back to its original position. He gets up a moment later until he blocks nearly the whole of the frame, before the scene fades out.}
