Post by Jack of Blades on Jan 26, 2009 17:47:59 GMT -5
From the stationary of Jack of Blades, esq.
Dear Governer Blagojevich,
In response to Mr Bush running the country as if he were a seventeen-year-old Korean boy playing Starcraft (much to his patriarch's dismay), a new political force has arisen. Emerging from the foetor and decay of Chicago corruption, this man has provided Americans with a new understanding of the electorial process. He has propagated the notion that any child regardless of their (hair) colour, greed and affiliation is capable of defying the social hierarchy and obtaining the power necessary to change this country of yours for the better. This man, this solitary bastion of democracy, has proved true the ol' aphorism of "Anyone can become the President of the United States" (although I'd argue that George Bush becoming Commander In Chief was pretty evident of that as well).
Who is this man? This champion of the masses? The hero with more charisma than Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year 1938?'
This man is you, Rod.
Ever since you came into the media shitstorm of Fox News this past year, you have revitialized my passion for politics (amongst other things). While others were talking about this Mr Obama figure with a vigour and zeal that increased with each passing day, you were the one who caught my eye.
Your mercenary desire for cash. That dreamy, dial-tone esque voice of yours. The fact that your hair looks ready to jump off your head and attack any interviewers who press you too hard. All of these things captivated me.
I liked you, Rod. But, today, as I opened up my New York Times, I found something that made me reconsider my position on Blagogate...
"Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich: I considered Oprah Winfrey for Senate seat; continues media tour"
No! You clearly don't understand the ramifications in doing such a thing. This would have been the first potential step in the establishment of the Lizard People's Reich.
While I understand that you have disregarded this deathly notion and instead handed the position to another (more human) candidate, I feel that I, as a fan, must relay to you the dangers that we, as individuals, a nation and a species, would have faced if Oprah ever did gain such a position.
1.) Oprah's Book Club would be granted considerable political clout to the extent that no bills would ever be passed again (except for those benefiting the reptilian agenda). Why read 'Proposal 467-A: Bus Discounts for Veterans' when one can read 'The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter?'; Carson McCullers' tale of a deaf-man finding that friendships can overcome any disability.
2.) Her fellow senators would spend fifteen minutes at the beginning of each meeting looking under their seats for prizes (that are in no way manufactured propagandistic tools designed to build Oprah's public persona).
3.) With the successful campaign of the aforementioned Barack 'H' Obama, America seems to have reached its limit on African-Americans making successes of themselves for at least the next six years. If Oprah did become part of the establishment, then there is a good chance that the North-South schism would only grow larger (although that probably has less to do with prejudice and more to do with Oprah's iguana soldiers rising from the Earth's crust).
4.) She would probably elect Tom Cruise to the senate. Never ever let Tom Cruise be in the senate.
So, there we go, Rod. Not only am I in awe of the sheer magnitude of your temerity but also the very fact that you would think Oprah as suitable for any kind of leadership role (that doesn't involving counselling pre-teen mothers). Hopefully, when you put her name forward, you were either pulling a 'Blago' on us or spouting fatuous, made-up bullshit. Then again, the term 'Blago' probably does denote fatuous, made-up bullshit in contemporary parlance.
Either way, humanity, as a race unenslaved by seven-foot-tall geckos, thanks you for amending your selection.
-Jack
