Post by Lawnmower Jones on Jul 6, 2007 19:27:11 GMT -5
Tish
Latanya
Big Momma
Jenny
Carla
Melissa
Stacy
Wang
Veronica
Beth
Latanya
Big Momma
Jenny
Carla
Melissa
Stacy
Wang
Veronica
Beth
(The scene opens inside of a bedroom with two bunk beds and a lone bed. Each bed is perfectly made and has luggage on it. Two females are sitting on one bed. Each female is black, but one is very fat and wearing clothes too small while the other looks like a crackwhore. Her lips look powdery and when she smiles, she is missing teeth.)
Fat female: (Whispering) Latanya, this house is like a shark tank and we the fishes! Girl, we need to stick together!
Latanya: (Whispering back) I know, Big Momma. I know. It's like…they judge us…because we different, you hear?
(The camera cuts to an isolation shot of Latanya talking one on one with the cameras.)
Latanya: Big Momma and me are friends right now; she gets me. We both know this is a competition, and fuck, I want to be a WCF girl! They make good money!
(Cut back to Latanya and Big Momma talking.)
Big Momma: Girl, I hate to start trouble, I really do, because I ain't no snitch, but that bitch Jenny, she said something about you blowing a cameraman.
Latanya: What?!?
(Cut to Big Momma alone.)
Big Momma: Please! Latanya's fucking trippin'! That bitch is so fucking out of it, she thinks this is a fucking try out for Jeopardy! I'm going to exploit her weakness and make her fight with another bitch and show Jones just how trashy those two bitches are!
(Cut back to the room.)
Latanya: That Asian bitch Jenny said that about me? Fuck her! Ima intern her like its 1942! JENNY! WHERE YOU AT BITCH?
(Cut back to Latanya alone.)
Latanya: Since me and Big Momma are good friends, she looks out for me. (Tweaking) That bitch Jenny started rumors about me and Logan, which ain't true. She started fucking talking shit and spreading lies, and it was a real shame! She's a fake. She lies. She can't keep her stories straight. That's why I almost knocked her out.
(Cut back to the scene. Latanya is running downstairs now to confront Jenny. Big Momma is following her.)
Latanya: Jenny!
(We are now in the kitchen, where Jenny, an older, small Asian lady with a wrinkled face and overbites is washing the dishes. Upon seeing Latanya barge towards her, she puts the dishes down and faces her, but does not look aggressive.)
Latanya: You fucking starting shit, Jenny? You got something you want to tell me? I'll beat your fucking ass right now! I'm from Chicago, bitch! You don't fucking think I know how to fucking fight you fucking skank?
(Now, two other females come into the scene. One is a pretty blonde haired girl with a nice figure. Her name is Tish. The other is a Latina girl who is chubby and greasy. Her name is Carla.)
Latanya: You got some fucking drama? Fuck you!
(The scene cuts to Tish, isolated.)
Tish: Carla and I were by the pool, relaxing, when all of the sudden we hear Latanya, the transient crackwhore, comes running downstairs trying to start a fight with the quiet, shy, beautiful and sexy Jenny.
(The camera cuts back to the kitchen, where Tish has taken it upon herself to get in the middle of the argument.)
Tish: What’s the matter, Latanya?
Latanya: Don’t what the matter me, Ritz! You and all them girls are talking fucking shit about me and it’s fucking over! I’m from fucking Chicago, bitch! Do you understand that? I don’t take shit!
Tish: What did anyone say?
Latanya: Bitch step back! I said bitch step back!
(Cut to Maria, isolated.)
Maria: Que…?
(Tish isolated.)
Tish: She calls me Ritz because of the cracker, and she says I’m a cracker. Yeah, it’s really dumb, but whatever. I wouldn’t expect more from her.
(Big Momma, isolated.)
Big Momma: She proved me wrong. I didn’t think she knew that much about current affairs. I guess it’s either MSNBC or Walker, Texas Ranger at three in the morning when you’re tweaking.
(Jenny, isolated, bowing her head.)
Jenny:...
Cameraman: Anything?
Jenny:...
Cameraman: Alright…
(Latanya, isolated.)
Latanya: That fucking bitch didn’t think I’d step up. But I did. I’m from Chicago. Bitch.
(The scene fades out, but eventually reappears. We refocus outside, on a sunny day. We are standing on a lawn, rather large, but not properly maintained. It looks as if it’s the pubes of a forty year old trailer park junkie, considering they run wild everywhere. Lawnmower Jones is standing on the lawn, in his usual attire, smiling. The five females from earlier are all there, as well, trying to look sexy.)
Lawnmower Jones: Hello, ladies.
Ladies: (Simultaneously) Hey Jones!
Lawnmower Jones: Let’s get down to business. I want to find love on this show, and the only way to find love is to find a girl who I am…close to. So, the writers have devised a series of stunts to see what you are made of. Plus, it’s good TV.
(Tish, isolated.)
Tish: When he was talking about stunts, I was excited. I come from a farm family, and I've always done hard work. I'm not afraid, and I figured that he would pick a stunt that's about lawnmowers.
(Back to the scene.)
Lawnmower Jones: Gonzales, bring them out.
(Five Hispanic men wearing white wife beaters and blue jeans are seen pushing lawnmowers out. They place a lawnmower in front of each lady.)
Lawnmower Jones: Tish, you and Melissa are a team.
(Tish nods, and Melissa, a blue lawnmower, sits there.)
Lawnmower Jones: Latanya, you and Stacy are a team, as well. Big Momma, you and your sexy self are paired with Wang. Jenny, you and Veronica will make an excellent team. And Carla, good luck with Beth.
(Carla is seen talking with one of the Hispanic men.)
Lawnmower Jones: The competition, ladies, is to mow your strip of grass in the fast time possible. The strip is one hundred yards long, and the team that finishes completely mowing their strip first wins a date with me, Lawnmower Jones and also wins immunity from this week's elimination. So go ahead and strategize. The race starts in two minutes.
(Big Momma, isolated.)
Big Momma: How the fuck is I supposed to mow a lawn? It's no lie, I'm a big girl! I knew I wasn't going to win, and it's fucking shit.
(The scene cuts to the beginning of the race, where all of the ladies are getting ready to race.)
Lawnmower Jones: Ready? Setty? Freddy!
(The race begins and the ladies begin their engines. Tish gets an early lead with Carla, Jenny, and Latanya right behind her. Big Momma seems to have problems getting the lawnmower started, and she isn't even trying. Tish seems to be pacing very well and handling smooth, while Carla is keeping a steady pace with her. Latanya seems to have control problems, but is in third place, a few feet behind Carla. Jenny is starting to lose all control and fatigue is setting in. But Latanya seems to have things under control as she begins to make her move. She is now in front of Carla and only a couple of feet behind Tish. Tish stumbles for a second, causing Latanya to take a lead! Big Momma is still having problems and is not even trying to race. Instead, she is cussing out the lawnmower. Tish begins making her move for first place, but Latanya kicks her flip flop, which hits Tish in the face, causing her to lose control. Latanya comes in first place, followed by Tish, Carla, Jenny, and bringing up the rear, Big Momma.)
(Tish, isolated.)
Tish: I couldn't believe she kicked her heel at me. I was…in shock. I was appalled. Disgusted. I really wanted the date with Jones, but I guess all's fair in love and war.
(The scene cuts back to Latanya, celebrating. Jones comes back into the scene, and we see Tish fuming.)
Lawnmower Jones: Congrats, Latanya! Tonight, you, me and Stacy are going out for a lovely date. Be ready at six, I'll pick you up then. Big Momma, I didn't like the effort.
(Big Momma, isolated.)
Big Momma: Didn't like the effort? Fuck that shit! I don't do labor! I'm a princess! My man does the labor, not me.
(The scene fades out but quickly fades back in. Its six now, and Latanya is wearing an old, skanky blue dress for her date with Jones. All of the other girls are watching her get ready; Tish looks mad.)
Tish: You know, Latanya, I didn't think it was very fair what you did today.
Latanya: What do you mean?
Tish: You kicked your flip flop at me. I lost control. That's why I lost.
Latanya: What? Girl, you're tripping.
Tish: No, I'm not. You cheated. But that's ok. I'll get my date, and knowing you, you'll blow this date.
(The scene cuts and we see Lawnmower Jones, Latanya, and Stacy the lawnmower inside of a back seat of a limo. Jones is in the middle of them, and he's wearing his usual attire of overalls and a white beater underneath.)
Latanya: I'm happy I got to come on a date with you, Jones.
Lawnmower Jones: I'm happy you and Stacy did as well. You both did excellent in the competition today.
Latanya: Thanks. So what are we doing tonight?
Lawnmower Jones: We are just driving around.
Latanya: Oh?
Lawnmower Jones: Latanya, tell me about yourself.
Latanya: Well, I was born in 1973 in Chicago, the projects. I was kicked out of my house when I was twelve. I didn't know my dad. I was a prostitute by the time I was fifteen and a junkie when I was seventeen. I'm currently homeless, and I have herpes.
Lawnmower Jones: (Looking deep into her eyes.) That sounds like a terrible, terrible story…I wish I could…do something…to…help…you.
(Jones and Latanya begin making out. After a moment, they stop and laugh. Jones pulls out a bottle of Budweiser and gives it to Latanya. He pulls out another one and opens it up, tapping it with Latanya's. They take a swig each. Jones then pours some in Stacy the lawnmower's oil tank.)
(The scene fades out, but back in, at two in the morning. Latanya and Jones look fucked up, and there are lots of empty beer cans on the floor. Latanya's makeup has rubbed off, and her strap is falling off. Jones and her are making out.)
Lawnmower Jones: (whispering) Come on, Stacy. Join the party.
(The camera goes dark, and all we hear are sounds.)
Slurp…slurp…slurp….
Lawnmower Jones: HOHOHO!
(The scene cuts to in front of a one story house where the Yard of Yearning takes place. The limo has stopped, and Jones has a lazy look on his face.)
Lawnmower Jones: Alright you two…get home…have fun…I'll see you all Sunday night…
Latanya: Bye baby.
(The scene fades out with the credits rolling.)
(After the credits, we see Lawnmower Jones inside of an empty ring in an empty arena.)
Lawnmower Jones: Can't get enough of the Yard of Yearning? Good! Go to iTunes and download your favorite episodes for only $1.99! Don't forget to watch Sunday, as I, Lawnmower Jones eliminate the next contestant! Don't forget to text who you think should be eliminated this week to (916) 595-5131! Text A for Tish and Melissa! Text B for Big Momma and Wang! Text C for Jenny and Veronica! Text D for Carla and Beth! You kid win ten thousand dollars and a trip to the series finale!
Narrator VO: Standard text messages apply. Only available to those in the continental US. Must be eighteen or older. States excluded include Texas, Nebraska, Idaho, and the city of Jacksonville. No purchase necessary.
Lawnmower Jones: Don't forget or I'll mow yer ass!