Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2009 14:55:27 GMT -5
The New Year represents so much to so many people. For some it's a time for change and rebirth, for others it's a time for reflection. For everybody it's an excuse to get down and party like it's 1999. With this in mind, Chad Evans and the gang from Ultra Nova (Bolts, Sandy and Nick included) took the drive from Hartford down to Times Square in New York for a little New Year's celebration. Biohazard briefly considered joining them, but he opted to celebrate with his people down in Mexico. Viva La Raza!
Of course Chad and friends were not the only ones making the journey to the Big Apple. More than one million law-abiding citizens packed into Times Square on New Year's Eve to celebrate the dawning of the Age of Obama in sub-zero temperatures. This massive gathering was nothing short of an orgasm of lights, sounds, faces and bodies pressed against each other.
Evans was arguably the most excited of anyone in his group, he could not believe that he was finally achieving his dream of ringing in the New Year at Times Square. Evans and company battled through the cold, ice and snow as they wadded through the massive crowds. The alcohol flowed freely, with everybody in attendance getting their drink on. Live musical performances entertained the masses that gathered in these frigid winter temperatures, with television crews broadcasting the event live.
Chad Evans: "This is so awesome! It's so loud I can't even hear myself think!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Yeah, yeah, man, I'm thinking about sneaking into a telephone booth so I can get some peace of mind, ya heard?"
Chad Evans: "Shit, you're drunk already, man? The party's just getting started!"
Nick Katsopolis: "I don't waste much time once I get rolled up outta them boondocks, baby! I feel good, James Brown, it's a man's world!"
Sandy: "Sometimes we need to be reminded of that."
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh shit, Sandy, sorry, girl. I didn't know you was standing there, looking oh so fine. Can you shake that booty once for daddy?"
Chad Evans: "Haha, I love it! I've never seen you like this before, Nick. You're so much more pleasant when you're loaded up with liquid courage. Hey why don't we get out of this crowd and take a walk over to the one of the bars?"
Nick Katsopolis: "You think we can find a place that ain't too crowded? I mean there's so many people, how could we find a table or something?"
Chad Evans: "Shit, there's all these bars around here, there's gotta be some place we can go."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know a place. We can take a walk over to the Hole In The Wall Gang. It's a great club, exclusive place, about half a block over."
The group of four squeezes their way through the large crowd toward their destination. Chad overhears one man in particular discussing his musical preferences.
Guy in crowd: "Puddle of Mudd is the best band ever, although Tripping Daisy is a close second."
The group continues their pilgrimage, wadding through the massive crowds, until roughly an hour later they arrive at the HITW Gang, merely half a block down the street. Bolts shoots the breeze with the doorman, who accommodates the Ultra Nova group and let's them inside the exclusive club.
The place is busy, lively, but not insane like the streets outside. Drinks are flowing, food cooking on the grill. A lot of people are kicking back, enjoying some brews. Some people are dancing on the floor, a couple chicks are dancing on tables. Some of the less cool people are wearing silly-looking party hats, but nobody's dancing with them.
Live coverage of the Times Square celebration is being shown on the TV screens. Lame ass Carson Daly is shilling for corporations with some lame ass product placements, then he introduces Ludacris. Ludacris performs a song from his latest album. The Ultra Nova gang grabs a table and Chad walks over to order some drinks for his crew.
Crooked eye bartender: "Be careful how much you drink, I know that from experience! How do you think I got this crooked eye?"
Evans is weary of the bartender and he doesn't take his eyes off the man as he picks up his tray of drinks and walks back to the table. After a few minutes and some booze in the system, the group is engrossed in a lively and spirited conversation.
Chad Evans: "I'm drinking this shit for all of you guys. This is like a toast because you're all my family. I wouldn't want to spend this night with anyone else. Sandy, I'm looking into your eyes and do you know what I see? I see something beautiful that cannot be tarnished by an ugly world. I don't even need a girlfriend when I got you in my life, girl."
Sandy: "Thank you, Chad. That's very... sweet of you. It's very sweet of you to say that."
Chad Evans: "I just know that we've all worked so hard to build me up into something bigger and greater than I've ever been. As much fun as I'm having I can't stop thinking about Sunday."
Nick Katsopolis: "Are you worried about your match, Chad? Don't worry, man, you've been busting ass at the gym. You're gonna kick some ass on Sunday."
Chad Evans: "I know but I can't afford to let my win percentage drop below five hundred. I can't afford to get tagged with a losing record in WCF, it's too dangerous. There's too many great wrestlers trying to move up the ladder. Shit, I've been hearing rumors about a merger between WCF and another high profile organization. Apparently the front office wants to bring in even more new blood, as if Prince Jimmy wasn't enough already."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You don't worry about rumors, Chad. We've been propping you up, drilling your ass, getting you ready to make an impact."
Chad Evans: "You guys have been working me like a dog and I appreciate it. You've been preparing me for all the possible scenarios. Still, I think there's one thing we've overlooked."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Oh really? What's that?"
Chad Evans: "The worst thing about fighting an opponent like Brad Kane is that I find myself at risk of contracting teh AIDS."
Evans snorts in laughter while Bolts looks at Evans with an 'Oh Chad!' look on his face and smiles.
Nick Katsopolis: "I think that would only be a concern if Kane bends you over and fucks you in the ass."
Nick's comment elicits laughter from Sandy and Bolts, but Chad coughs and looks distraught.
Chad Evans: "Shit, I just vomited in my mouth a little."
Chad takes a sip of beer to wash the taste away.
Chad Evans: "Shit, I've been hearing all this shit lately about Brad Kane's sexual exploits. I wasn't aware that I was wrestling the Val Venis of WCF."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Val Venis, goddamn there's a blast from the past."
Nick Katsopolis: "Didn't Edge have a porn star gimmick when he was with Lita? That's why they called him the Rated R Superstar, right?"
Chad Evans: "I don't know, I stopped watching WWF when Stone Cold turned heel."
Sandy: "I really hated Stone Cold when he beat up Lita."
Nick Katsopolis: "You're not alone, Sandy. That segment got a lot of women fired up."
Chad Evans: "You know something? If Brad Kane were here right now I would tell him... I would tell him 'I'm just as interested in your sex life as I'm interested in staring at a bucket of dirt for thirty years'."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's a Henry Rollins line, right?"
Chad Evans: "That's right, Henry fucking Rollins! Here's to Rollins!"
The group raises their glasses and toasts to Henry Rollins. At this moment it was all there; the celebration, the joy, the festive holiday spirit was in the air. Yet something darker was lurking deep beneath the surface. The conversation turned and Bolts told Evans and Nick about a certain lady of the night that stalks these streets outside the club.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know how you boys love girls in stockings, but I'm telling you right now, avoid that girl like the plague. She's a thief, notorious around these parts, and she carries viruses."
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh OK, thanks for the heads up."
Chad Evans: "She carries viruses? Sounds like a certain straight edge emo that I know."
Nick Katsopolis: "Are you still talking about Brad Kane?"
Chad Evans: "Brad Kane, Brad Kane, Brad Kane, it's all anybody wants to talk about. Fuck Brad Kane!"
Nick Katsopolis: "I agree, so let's stop talking about him."
Chad Evans: "That motherfucker makes me sick. Can you say overcompensating? Dudes like that are always trying to look cool, 'Oh look at me, I've got a big dick and I score with chicks.' They're always trying to compensate for small dicks, no money, no brains or personality, shitty careers, bragging when they ain't got shit. The truth is that Brad Kane is an emo and emos represent weakness. That is why emos should not be allowed to spread their seed. I'm telling you when Brad Kane is fucking his wife she's thinking about Bobby Cairo. Here's to Cairo!"
The group hesitantly raises their glasses, seeing that Evans is a bit intoxicated and agitated.
Chad Evans: "Here! Here! Come on! Here, here to Cairo!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Chad, don't you think you're getting carried away?"
Chad Evans: "Nah, fuck that. I'm dropping some knowledge right here. Isn't it so sweet that Reckless Jack has a family to provide for now? He didn't want to get any booboos to end his career so now Reckless Jack has transformed into Safe Style Brad. He has to play it safe so that he can continue to put food on the table for mommy and babies. Isn't that sweet? Bradley is such a good provider, and he's got like a nine-inch long super dick. Fucking Safe Style Jack... you remember that shit? He needs to become Safe Sex Jack, stop knocking up his wife, she's popping out all them damn kids, hahaha. He'll probably pull a fucking Benoit one of these days, am I right?"
Nick finishes his beer and slams the empty glass down on the table.
Nick Katsopolis: "You're one heelish motherfucker for a babyface do you know that, Chad? I ain't down with all that noise."
Chad Evans: "What are you talking about? You're Mr. Sensitivity now? You helped Cairo kidnap Skyler Striker's daughter, you hypocrite!"
Nick Katsopolis: "That was before I started taking Tai Chi classes. I was a real hater back then, a real heel, but I'm reformed now. I'm a good boy, very respectful of living creatures. You ain't got no excuses, Chad, you're just a mean motherfucker."
Chad Evans: "Don't you interrogate me, you little punk! I'll pop you upside the head after I take a couple pops from my pimp hand!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh no, you don't want to fuck with this Jiu Jitsu shit that I'm bringing, Chadwick."
Bolts separates the two friends before they turn combatant.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Calm down, you two nutjobs! Shake hands now!"
The tension is quickly alleviated.
Nick Katsopolis: "You wanna grab another beer?"
Chad Evans: "Sure let's go!"
Chad and Nick walk over to the bar and order two more beers. They grab their beers and start back to their table. That's when Chad recognizes a familiar tune and looks up at the TV screen. Pop superstar Katy Perry is performing her #1 smash hit "Hot and Cold" live from Times Square.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Nick, hold up, man!"
Chad and Nick are staring at the TV screen, staring at Katy Perry, when a nasty looking dude wearing a black leather jacket bumps into Chad. Some of the beer from Chad's glass spills onto the man's jacket.
Leather Jacket Man: "Look out, you idiot! Watch where you're standing!"
Chad looks at the dude and then at his glass, lamenting the beer that was lost.
Chad Evans: "What is this dude's problem? Dude about to get knocked the fuck out in front of Katy Perry."
Chad looks at Nick, but Nick's eyes are locked on the TV.
Nick Katsopolis: "Dude, I want a blowjob from Katy Perry so bad."
Chad Evans: "No shit, you and every other red blooded American male. That chick makes me harder than granite."
Two more leather-clad goons join by Leather Jacket Man's side as he gets in Evans' face. Then, Leather Jacket Man shoves Chad in his chest. Nick sees the commotion and snaps out of his trance.
Nick Katsopolis: "Hey, hey, take your hands off of him!"
Leather Jacket Man: "What's the matter? You're not a tough guy when you're not bumping into people?"
Chad Evans: "Man, y'all are some arrogant motherfuckers for people who never trained. What you think this is Sesame Street or some shit? I'm a pro wrestler and a mixed martial artist, get up out my face before I break something off y'all punks!"
Evans throws his beer in the Leather Jacket Man's face and lands a spin kick to the man's temple. The man collapses in a heap on the ground and his two friends run away. Security apprehends the men and takes them into custody. Leather Jacket Man is hauled away and tossed into an alley behind the club. Chad walks over to the bar and grabs another beer with Nick at his side.
Chad Evans: "I don't know if Bolts told you, but I've been training with these dudes that are big in Japan and they're disciples of dudes that are even bigger in Japan."
Nick Katsopolis: "I'm not surprised. You looked damn good just now."
Chad Evans: "No doubt, no doubt, but these dudes are great. They've taught me three new moves this week; the Burning Hammer, the Orange Crush and the Cattle Mutilation. Since I'll be putting my own unique spin on each of these moves, I've decided to redub them the BK Killer in honor of Brad Kane, the Disciple's Deed in honor of my mentor Bobby Cairo and the Emo Slicer, once again in honor of Brad Kane."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's great, Chad. You're really adding to your arsenal. You're gonna be one tough dude to beat."
Nick and Chad walk over and sit down at the table with Bolts and Sandy.
Chad Evans: "Who do you guys have in the NFL playoffs this week? I'm big onto the Chargers, they always beat the Colts and Peyton always choke in the playoffs. Oh how I loathe Peyton Manning! I'm also making Atlanta my lead pipe lock. They're gonna destroy Arizona! Arizona doesn't even deserve to be in the playoffs. Worst playoff team ever! I predict that Matt Ryan throws for four hundred yards and Michael Turner runs wild. GUARENTEED!"
The group chats about the NFL playoffs and eventually they reach the conclusion that it will probably be the Giants and Steelers playing in the Super Bowl. Eventually the conversation switches to basketball.
Chad Evans: "Fuck the Celtics, the Knicks kick everybody's ass."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Now you're just talking stupid shit."
Bolts and Nick walk over to the bar to get some more beer. Sandy scoots over next to Chad.
Sandy: "What do you think, Chad? Are you looking forward to the New Year?"
Chad Evans: "I have to tell you, Sandy, I can't wait for this year to be over. It's been a long terrible year. I can't wait for my New Year's Restitution. God owes me for the shittiest year of my life."
Sandy: "I know it's been a rough year with Cairo going missing, the economy in the toilet, and there's so much war and suffering in the world. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't let your burdens get you down."
Chad Evans: "I've got so much guilt in my soul, Sandy. Sometimes I feel so helpless. What can I say or do to make things better? No matter what I do it doesn't seem to make any damn difference. Everybody's talking about reinvention and rebirth. Wrestlers are dropping their stage names in favor of their real names. They think they can just magically turn everything around, no matter how bad life really is. I've always used my real name when fighting but I'm still trying to find myself. I don't know who I am, don't know where I'm going."
Sandy: "I know who you are, Chad. You're a good man, a kind man, a sweet man with strong moral fiber."
Sandy smiles at Chad, and they stare into each other's eyes.
Chad Evans: "Thank you, Sandy. You're a wonderful lady. I'm glad that I'll be sharing the New Year with you. I can't wait to turn the page on 2008. I just hope that 2009 will be the year of the dragon."
Chad takes a sip of beer.
Chad Evans: "You know what? I know that 2009 is gonna be my year! I'm gonna show everybody that I'm the real deal."
Sandy: "That's the spirit, Chad. If you believe in yourself you can make your dreams come true."
Chad Evans "I've had some dreams. I had a dream the other night. I looked into God's eyes and I told him point blank... I said 'I'm going to explain this as succinctly as I can. I don't care if you hate my guts, I'm not going away.' And you know what? God sighed... God just sighed at me, it was a hard sigh. Then there was a bright white flash and I woke up."
Sandy: "You don't have to worry about God, Chad. God is not your enemy. God loves all of us very much. We are His children, He created in His image. Speaking of which, what did God look like?"
Chad Evans: "As a matter of fact He looked like Bolts. Isn't that weird?"
Sandy: "That is weird. Oh Chad, you know what? We're two minutes away from midnight!"
Chad and Sandy chat a bit more and then they cuddle up close as they count down the final seconds to the New Year. The entire club erupts, and the roar outside is even louder as the ball drops and the clock strikes midnight. Sandy and Chad kiss as confetti streams down from the ceiling, streamers everywhere, people are blowing party favors, everybody's going bonkers.
The Ultra Nova gang decides to go outside to join the party with the big crowds, braving the snow, cold and ice, making sure to bring plenty of booze along. Nick negotiates with an attractive girl outside of the club.
Nick Katsopolis: "I'd like to get with you, boo, but I'm too drunk to fuck. Nah just kiddin', boo. We can get down in my parents' shanty. Is this my house?"
The night is wild as the entire city parties until the early morning hours. The rest of the night becomes a blur as drinking, dancing and music ensues. At some point Evans blacks out from partying a little too hard.
When Evans wakes up he's lying in his bed at home in Hartford. The curtains in his bedroom are drawn, but he can see the sunlight peering in. Evans feels a body next to him, he looks and sees a strange woman lying next to him, strange in that Evans has no idea who she is. She sure is a pretty young thing. Evans is still tired and he falls back asleep, not worrying about the girl.
When Evans falls asleep he has a dream. He sees a white room, a stage, and a woman standing on the stage. The woman is wearing a housedress and has a bouffant hairdo, typical of a suburban housewife from yesteryear. What's weird is that the woman has two large, obtuse bumps on the side of her face. The woman, apparently oblivious to her condition, is smiling. She begins singing in an upbeat, almost ethereal voice with a mysterious organ accompaniment.
Ethereal Woman: "In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, you've got your good things and I've got mine. In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, you've got your good things and you've got mine. In Heaven everything is fine!"
Evans walks onto the stage and approaches the woman.
Chad Evans: "Cairo, is that you?"
The woman holds out her hand and Evans touches her hand with his. Suddenly there's a bright, white flash and Evans wakes up. Evans practically jumps out of bed, he's so freaked out. Evans shakes his head, realizing that it was all just a dream. Strangely, the woman that was lying next to Evans is now gone. Evans shrugs his shoulders and hits the bathroom adjoined to his bedroom.
Of course Chad and friends were not the only ones making the journey to the Big Apple. More than one million law-abiding citizens packed into Times Square on New Year's Eve to celebrate the dawning of the Age of Obama in sub-zero temperatures. This massive gathering was nothing short of an orgasm of lights, sounds, faces and bodies pressed against each other.
Evans was arguably the most excited of anyone in his group, he could not believe that he was finally achieving his dream of ringing in the New Year at Times Square. Evans and company battled through the cold, ice and snow as they wadded through the massive crowds. The alcohol flowed freely, with everybody in attendance getting their drink on. Live musical performances entertained the masses that gathered in these frigid winter temperatures, with television crews broadcasting the event live.
Chad Evans: "This is so awesome! It's so loud I can't even hear myself think!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Yeah, yeah, man, I'm thinking about sneaking into a telephone booth so I can get some peace of mind, ya heard?"
Chad Evans: "Shit, you're drunk already, man? The party's just getting started!"
Nick Katsopolis: "I don't waste much time once I get rolled up outta them boondocks, baby! I feel good, James Brown, it's a man's world!"
Sandy: "Sometimes we need to be reminded of that."
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh shit, Sandy, sorry, girl. I didn't know you was standing there, looking oh so fine. Can you shake that booty once for daddy?"
Chad Evans: "Haha, I love it! I've never seen you like this before, Nick. You're so much more pleasant when you're loaded up with liquid courage. Hey why don't we get out of this crowd and take a walk over to the one of the bars?"
Nick Katsopolis: "You think we can find a place that ain't too crowded? I mean there's so many people, how could we find a table or something?"
Chad Evans: "Shit, there's all these bars around here, there's gotta be some place we can go."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know a place. We can take a walk over to the Hole In The Wall Gang. It's a great club, exclusive place, about half a block over."
The group of four squeezes their way through the large crowd toward their destination. Chad overhears one man in particular discussing his musical preferences.
Guy in crowd: "Puddle of Mudd is the best band ever, although Tripping Daisy is a close second."
The group continues their pilgrimage, wadding through the massive crowds, until roughly an hour later they arrive at the HITW Gang, merely half a block down the street. Bolts shoots the breeze with the doorman, who accommodates the Ultra Nova group and let's them inside the exclusive club.
The place is busy, lively, but not insane like the streets outside. Drinks are flowing, food cooking on the grill. A lot of people are kicking back, enjoying some brews. Some people are dancing on the floor, a couple chicks are dancing on tables. Some of the less cool people are wearing silly-looking party hats, but nobody's dancing with them.
Live coverage of the Times Square celebration is being shown on the TV screens. Lame ass Carson Daly is shilling for corporations with some lame ass product placements, then he introduces Ludacris. Ludacris performs a song from his latest album. The Ultra Nova gang grabs a table and Chad walks over to order some drinks for his crew.
Crooked eye bartender: "Be careful how much you drink, I know that from experience! How do you think I got this crooked eye?"
Evans is weary of the bartender and he doesn't take his eyes off the man as he picks up his tray of drinks and walks back to the table. After a few minutes and some booze in the system, the group is engrossed in a lively and spirited conversation.
Chad Evans: "I'm drinking this shit for all of you guys. This is like a toast because you're all my family. I wouldn't want to spend this night with anyone else. Sandy, I'm looking into your eyes and do you know what I see? I see something beautiful that cannot be tarnished by an ugly world. I don't even need a girlfriend when I got you in my life, girl."
Sandy: "Thank you, Chad. That's very... sweet of you. It's very sweet of you to say that."
Chad Evans: "I just know that we've all worked so hard to build me up into something bigger and greater than I've ever been. As much fun as I'm having I can't stop thinking about Sunday."
Nick Katsopolis: "Are you worried about your match, Chad? Don't worry, man, you've been busting ass at the gym. You're gonna kick some ass on Sunday."
Chad Evans: "I know but I can't afford to let my win percentage drop below five hundred. I can't afford to get tagged with a losing record in WCF, it's too dangerous. There's too many great wrestlers trying to move up the ladder. Shit, I've been hearing rumors about a merger between WCF and another high profile organization. Apparently the front office wants to bring in even more new blood, as if Prince Jimmy wasn't enough already."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You don't worry about rumors, Chad. We've been propping you up, drilling your ass, getting you ready to make an impact."
Chad Evans: "You guys have been working me like a dog and I appreciate it. You've been preparing me for all the possible scenarios. Still, I think there's one thing we've overlooked."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Oh really? What's that?"
Chad Evans: "The worst thing about fighting an opponent like Brad Kane is that I find myself at risk of contracting teh AIDS."
Evans snorts in laughter while Bolts looks at Evans with an 'Oh Chad!' look on his face and smiles.
Nick Katsopolis: "I think that would only be a concern if Kane bends you over and fucks you in the ass."
Nick's comment elicits laughter from Sandy and Bolts, but Chad coughs and looks distraught.
Chad Evans: "Shit, I just vomited in my mouth a little."
Chad takes a sip of beer to wash the taste away.
Chad Evans: "Shit, I've been hearing all this shit lately about Brad Kane's sexual exploits. I wasn't aware that I was wrestling the Val Venis of WCF."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Val Venis, goddamn there's a blast from the past."
Nick Katsopolis: "Didn't Edge have a porn star gimmick when he was with Lita? That's why they called him the Rated R Superstar, right?"
Chad Evans: "I don't know, I stopped watching WWF when Stone Cold turned heel."
Sandy: "I really hated Stone Cold when he beat up Lita."
Nick Katsopolis: "You're not alone, Sandy. That segment got a lot of women fired up."
Chad Evans: "You know something? If Brad Kane were here right now I would tell him... I would tell him 'I'm just as interested in your sex life as I'm interested in staring at a bucket of dirt for thirty years'."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's a Henry Rollins line, right?"
Chad Evans: "That's right, Henry fucking Rollins! Here's to Rollins!"
The group raises their glasses and toasts to Henry Rollins. At this moment it was all there; the celebration, the joy, the festive holiday spirit was in the air. Yet something darker was lurking deep beneath the surface. The conversation turned and Bolts told Evans and Nick about a certain lady of the night that stalks these streets outside the club.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know how you boys love girls in stockings, but I'm telling you right now, avoid that girl like the plague. She's a thief, notorious around these parts, and she carries viruses."
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh OK, thanks for the heads up."
Chad Evans: "She carries viruses? Sounds like a certain straight edge emo that I know."
Nick Katsopolis: "Are you still talking about Brad Kane?"
Chad Evans: "Brad Kane, Brad Kane, Brad Kane, it's all anybody wants to talk about. Fuck Brad Kane!"
Nick Katsopolis: "I agree, so let's stop talking about him."
Chad Evans: "That motherfucker makes me sick. Can you say overcompensating? Dudes like that are always trying to look cool, 'Oh look at me, I've got a big dick and I score with chicks.' They're always trying to compensate for small dicks, no money, no brains or personality, shitty careers, bragging when they ain't got shit. The truth is that Brad Kane is an emo and emos represent weakness. That is why emos should not be allowed to spread their seed. I'm telling you when Brad Kane is fucking his wife she's thinking about Bobby Cairo. Here's to Cairo!"
The group hesitantly raises their glasses, seeing that Evans is a bit intoxicated and agitated.
Chad Evans: "Here! Here! Come on! Here, here to Cairo!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Chad, don't you think you're getting carried away?"
Chad Evans: "Nah, fuck that. I'm dropping some knowledge right here. Isn't it so sweet that Reckless Jack has a family to provide for now? He didn't want to get any booboos to end his career so now Reckless Jack has transformed into Safe Style Brad. He has to play it safe so that he can continue to put food on the table for mommy and babies. Isn't that sweet? Bradley is such a good provider, and he's got like a nine-inch long super dick. Fucking Safe Style Jack... you remember that shit? He needs to become Safe Sex Jack, stop knocking up his wife, she's popping out all them damn kids, hahaha. He'll probably pull a fucking Benoit one of these days, am I right?"
Nick finishes his beer and slams the empty glass down on the table.
Nick Katsopolis: "You're one heelish motherfucker for a babyface do you know that, Chad? I ain't down with all that noise."
Chad Evans: "What are you talking about? You're Mr. Sensitivity now? You helped Cairo kidnap Skyler Striker's daughter, you hypocrite!"
Nick Katsopolis: "That was before I started taking Tai Chi classes. I was a real hater back then, a real heel, but I'm reformed now. I'm a good boy, very respectful of living creatures. You ain't got no excuses, Chad, you're just a mean motherfucker."
Chad Evans: "Don't you interrogate me, you little punk! I'll pop you upside the head after I take a couple pops from my pimp hand!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Oh no, you don't want to fuck with this Jiu Jitsu shit that I'm bringing, Chadwick."
Bolts separates the two friends before they turn combatant.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Calm down, you two nutjobs! Shake hands now!"
The tension is quickly alleviated.
Nick Katsopolis: "You wanna grab another beer?"
Chad Evans: "Sure let's go!"
Chad and Nick walk over to the bar and order two more beers. They grab their beers and start back to their table. That's when Chad recognizes a familiar tune and looks up at the TV screen. Pop superstar Katy Perry is performing her #1 smash hit "Hot and Cold" live from Times Square.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Nick, hold up, man!"
Chad and Nick are staring at the TV screen, staring at Katy Perry, when a nasty looking dude wearing a black leather jacket bumps into Chad. Some of the beer from Chad's glass spills onto the man's jacket.
Leather Jacket Man: "Look out, you idiot! Watch where you're standing!"
Chad looks at the dude and then at his glass, lamenting the beer that was lost.
Chad Evans: "What is this dude's problem? Dude about to get knocked the fuck out in front of Katy Perry."
Chad looks at Nick, but Nick's eyes are locked on the TV.
Nick Katsopolis: "Dude, I want a blowjob from Katy Perry so bad."
Chad Evans: "No shit, you and every other red blooded American male. That chick makes me harder than granite."
Two more leather-clad goons join by Leather Jacket Man's side as he gets in Evans' face. Then, Leather Jacket Man shoves Chad in his chest. Nick sees the commotion and snaps out of his trance.
Nick Katsopolis: "Hey, hey, take your hands off of him!"
Leather Jacket Man: "What's the matter? You're not a tough guy when you're not bumping into people?"
Chad Evans: "Man, y'all are some arrogant motherfuckers for people who never trained. What you think this is Sesame Street or some shit? I'm a pro wrestler and a mixed martial artist, get up out my face before I break something off y'all punks!"
Evans throws his beer in the Leather Jacket Man's face and lands a spin kick to the man's temple. The man collapses in a heap on the ground and his two friends run away. Security apprehends the men and takes them into custody. Leather Jacket Man is hauled away and tossed into an alley behind the club. Chad walks over to the bar and grabs another beer with Nick at his side.
Chad Evans: "I don't know if Bolts told you, but I've been training with these dudes that are big in Japan and they're disciples of dudes that are even bigger in Japan."
Nick Katsopolis: "I'm not surprised. You looked damn good just now."
Chad Evans: "No doubt, no doubt, but these dudes are great. They've taught me three new moves this week; the Burning Hammer, the Orange Crush and the Cattle Mutilation. Since I'll be putting my own unique spin on each of these moves, I've decided to redub them the BK Killer in honor of Brad Kane, the Disciple's Deed in honor of my mentor Bobby Cairo and the Emo Slicer, once again in honor of Brad Kane."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's great, Chad. You're really adding to your arsenal. You're gonna be one tough dude to beat."
Nick and Chad walk over and sit down at the table with Bolts and Sandy.
Chad Evans: "Who do you guys have in the NFL playoffs this week? I'm big onto the Chargers, they always beat the Colts and Peyton always choke in the playoffs. Oh how I loathe Peyton Manning! I'm also making Atlanta my lead pipe lock. They're gonna destroy Arizona! Arizona doesn't even deserve to be in the playoffs. Worst playoff team ever! I predict that Matt Ryan throws for four hundred yards and Michael Turner runs wild. GUARENTEED!"
The group chats about the NFL playoffs and eventually they reach the conclusion that it will probably be the Giants and Steelers playing in the Super Bowl. Eventually the conversation switches to basketball.
Chad Evans: "Fuck the Celtics, the Knicks kick everybody's ass."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Now you're just talking stupid shit."
Bolts and Nick walk over to the bar to get some more beer. Sandy scoots over next to Chad.
Sandy: "What do you think, Chad? Are you looking forward to the New Year?"
Chad Evans: "I have to tell you, Sandy, I can't wait for this year to be over. It's been a long terrible year. I can't wait for my New Year's Restitution. God owes me for the shittiest year of my life."
Sandy: "I know it's been a rough year with Cairo going missing, the economy in the toilet, and there's so much war and suffering in the world. If there's one thing I've learned it's that you can't let your burdens get you down."
Chad Evans: "I've got so much guilt in my soul, Sandy. Sometimes I feel so helpless. What can I say or do to make things better? No matter what I do it doesn't seem to make any damn difference. Everybody's talking about reinvention and rebirth. Wrestlers are dropping their stage names in favor of their real names. They think they can just magically turn everything around, no matter how bad life really is. I've always used my real name when fighting but I'm still trying to find myself. I don't know who I am, don't know where I'm going."
Sandy: "I know who you are, Chad. You're a good man, a kind man, a sweet man with strong moral fiber."
Sandy smiles at Chad, and they stare into each other's eyes.
Chad Evans: "Thank you, Sandy. You're a wonderful lady. I'm glad that I'll be sharing the New Year with you. I can't wait to turn the page on 2008. I just hope that 2009 will be the year of the dragon."
Chad takes a sip of beer.
Chad Evans: "You know what? I know that 2009 is gonna be my year! I'm gonna show everybody that I'm the real deal."
Sandy: "That's the spirit, Chad. If you believe in yourself you can make your dreams come true."
Chad Evans "I've had some dreams. I had a dream the other night. I looked into God's eyes and I told him point blank... I said 'I'm going to explain this as succinctly as I can. I don't care if you hate my guts, I'm not going away.' And you know what? God sighed... God just sighed at me, it was a hard sigh. Then there was a bright white flash and I woke up."
Sandy: "You don't have to worry about God, Chad. God is not your enemy. God loves all of us very much. We are His children, He created in His image. Speaking of which, what did God look like?"
Chad Evans: "As a matter of fact He looked like Bolts. Isn't that weird?"
Sandy: "That is weird. Oh Chad, you know what? We're two minutes away from midnight!"
Chad and Sandy chat a bit more and then they cuddle up close as they count down the final seconds to the New Year. The entire club erupts, and the roar outside is even louder as the ball drops and the clock strikes midnight. Sandy and Chad kiss as confetti streams down from the ceiling, streamers everywhere, people are blowing party favors, everybody's going bonkers.
The Ultra Nova gang decides to go outside to join the party with the big crowds, braving the snow, cold and ice, making sure to bring plenty of booze along. Nick negotiates with an attractive girl outside of the club.
Nick Katsopolis: "I'd like to get with you, boo, but I'm too drunk to fuck. Nah just kiddin', boo. We can get down in my parents' shanty. Is this my house?"
The night is wild as the entire city parties until the early morning hours. The rest of the night becomes a blur as drinking, dancing and music ensues. At some point Evans blacks out from partying a little too hard.
When Evans wakes up he's lying in his bed at home in Hartford. The curtains in his bedroom are drawn, but he can see the sunlight peering in. Evans feels a body next to him, he looks and sees a strange woman lying next to him, strange in that Evans has no idea who she is. She sure is a pretty young thing. Evans is still tired and he falls back asleep, not worrying about the girl.
When Evans falls asleep he has a dream. He sees a white room, a stage, and a woman standing on the stage. The woman is wearing a housedress and has a bouffant hairdo, typical of a suburban housewife from yesteryear. What's weird is that the woman has two large, obtuse bumps on the side of her face. The woman, apparently oblivious to her condition, is smiling. She begins singing in an upbeat, almost ethereal voice with a mysterious organ accompaniment.
Ethereal Woman: "In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, you've got your good things and I've got mine. In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, In Heaven everything is fine, you've got your good things and you've got mine. In Heaven everything is fine!"
Evans walks onto the stage and approaches the woman.
Chad Evans: "Cairo, is that you?"
The woman holds out her hand and Evans touches her hand with his. Suddenly there's a bright, white flash and Evans wakes up. Evans practically jumps out of bed, he's so freaked out. Evans shakes his head, realizing that it was all just a dream. Strangely, the woman that was lying next to Evans is now gone. Evans shrugs his shoulders and hits the bathroom adjoined to his bedroom.
