Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2007 16:51:48 GMT -5
Date and Time: Monday, December 24th, 10:37 AM
Location: The Brooklyn Depot (T.S.O.C. Headquarters), New York
For those of you not in the know, the Brooklyn Depot is the epicenter of activity for Bobby Cairo's T.S.O.C. group. Despite this fact, the Depot is little more than a typical office space with cubicles and computers and of course a conference table where the meetings take place. On this Monday morning before Christmas, the T.S.O.C. members are readying themselves for an important media function. In cooperation with the Constitution Party, the Heritage Foundation and the Minutemen Project, Cairo will be giving a speech via the internet to T.S.O.C. supporters around the globe.
Cairo's close friend and confidante Nick Katsopolis is readying the audio and video equipment for the internet stream. Nick is also securing into place a pleasant holiday backdrop, a religious-themed motif featuring a manger scene and the baby Jesus. As Nick is doing the big work, Cairo is adjusting his tie and slicking back his hair with one of those nifty black combs that all the cool dudes have. Cairo's mentor and trainer Bolts Quackenbush busies himself by drinking large quantities of cappuccino. In fact Bolts has been taking hits from the office cappuccino maker all morning long. He's feeling vigorous to say the least.
Nick Katsopolis: "We're almost finished with the backdrop. So what's up with Biohazard? I thought he was running with T.S.O.C."
Bobby Cairo: "Biohazard is a free spirit. He comes and goes as he pleases. Biohazard cannot be tamed by rules of order and conduct. I feel sorry for Thunder, I really do. Nobody should ever have to step into the ring with Biohazard. That's a fate worse than a thousand hellfires up the asshole."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Does he have a manager? I could be his manager. I'm a great manager. The best! This is damn good cappuccino!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Ok, the backdrop is finished and the audio/video is ready to go. We have another five minutes before we go live. You've rehearsed your lines and everything, right?"
Bobby Cairo: "Rehearsed? I require no rehearsal. We're living in an era of degeneration and perversion. We're told that dissent is patriotic, but who's watching the dissenters? What is their agenda? How do we know that they can be trusted? The truth is that they cannot be trusted. They are but mere extremists with an agenda of evil. This is why I do not blindly pledge myself to any god, flag or government. I pledge myself to me. I pledge myself to T.S.O.C. I believe in the work that we're doing."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's good stuff. Ok, we're live in 30 seconds."
Bobby Cairo: "That was fast."
Cairo sprays his breath with Binaca, then clears his throat.
Nick Katsopolis: "5... 4... 3... 2... and we're live."
Bobby Cairo: "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for joining me on this day before Christmas. As many of us prepare for the holiday festivities we tend to lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. For example, Skyler Striker is a heathen of the lowest order, a leech on society's backside. If Striker were from the Great White North then he would have a bulbous Canadian cranium. Instead our dear Striker is from Down Under. That makes Striker a very sick man, hell-bent on winning at any cost. Striker would sacrifice his body for what he believes to be the greater good. We can use this to our advantage. If our dear Striker wants to walk the minefield then we'll take him to Cambodia.
What does that mean for the average American citizen? I'm not an ideologue, but I know the difference between right and wrong. I know that George W. Bush is a corporate conman working for special interests. Sure I play golf with the man twice a month, but that doesn't mean that I agree with his tactics or his policies. I don't agree with most of what I see in Washington, D.C. Congress is so utterly incompetent that they might as well change their name to the Miami Dolphins. If our international friends have trouble understanding that analogy, let's just say that Congress sucks a big fat dick.
Having said all that, where does T.S.O.C. fit into the big picture? I know that T.S.O.C. can help make America and the entire world a better place. We can pressure the politicians to restore fiscal responsibility. We can teach people to help each other instead of robbing, raping and killing. We as citizens of Earth can stop supporting corporations that destroy our environment in the name of the almighty dollar. These are the same corporations that outsource American jobs by the millions, once again in the name of the almighty dollar.
We can work together to make America and all other so-called free nations the beacons of liberty that we have so falsely proclaimed them to be. We can start by throwing out all illegal immigrants, especially degenerate criminals like Skyler Striker, out on their asses. The revolution starts inside each of us. Our souls illuminate the necessary change for progress. This Sunday in the WCF Classic, Striker will get a taste of my American Revolution and some very inhospitable hospitality. Thank you all, merry Christmas and God bless America or whatever your homeland might be!"
Cairo rips off his headset in jubilation and high fives Nick and Bolts.
Nick Katsopolis: "Powerful stuff, Bobby. You sure you don't want to be president?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! The job doesn't pay well enough, my friend! So what else is on tap for today?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "You and me have to get to the gym and work out. We don't have to leave yet, but after that the three of us are gonna head over to FAO Schwarz and hand out gifts to underprivileged children. We don't want to be late."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, cool. That sounds like a plan. Before we head to the gym, I need to get down to Kinko’s and pick up those flyers for the New Year's bash. It's gonna be great, we're gathering city officials and community leaders from all over New York and I'm gonna give a big speech where I'll announce my presidential endorsement. It's gonna make a huge impact and really put us on the map."
Nick Katsopolis: "Yeah, we know. We were the ones who came up with the idea."
Bobby Cairo: "I know, I just like talking about it."
Date and Time: Monday, December 24th, 2:35 PM
Location: Damien Demento's Gym, Long Island, New York
In recent months Cairo has been working with Bolts to improve his stamina and endurance. Cairo fancies himself an old school technical specialist in the vein of Ric Flair and Bob Backlund. As such Cairo feels it necessary that he prepare his body for the prospect of a marathon match. His standard workout now includes ten miles per day on the treadmill and twenty miles on the cycling machine.
Cairo has also taken up boxing as a means of improving his coordination and dexterity. Cairo's sparring partners include such former World Champions as Mexican legend Antonio Margarito and controversial New York fighter Zab Judah. On this day it's just Bolts and Cairo going a few rounds. Bolts himself is a former Golden Gloves boxing champion, so he can most certainly hold his own in the ring. After Bolts lands a solid combination to Cairo's ribs, Cairo calls for time.
Bobby Cairo: "Damn, you move well for an old dude."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I might be old, but I've never lost my skills. I'm as sharp as a tack on railroad track, ya heard? Don't worry you've been steadily improving. You just need to work on your defense. When I'm moving forward, don't cover up and take those shots. Look for an opening and attack."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, I gotcha."
Cairo takes a big swig of Gatorade as he rubs the feeling back into his ribs.
Bolts Quackenbush: "You know, I've been thinking about some names that we can recruit. What's the name of that guy who wrestles under the mask?"
Bobby Cairo: "That could apply to literally thousands of wrestlers, but I'll play along and guess Jushin Liger?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "No, no, the guy I'm thinking about is Mexican. Oh, I think his name is Psoriasis?"
Bobby Cairo: "You mean Psychosis."
Bolts Quackenbush: "What's that, Hypnosis?"
Bobby Cairo: "Psychosis. I don't think he wears the mask anymore. He should, he's ugly as fuck, but I think he lost his mask to Chris Jericho back in WCW. Or was that Juventud Guerrera? Maybe it was both of them."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Well what do you think about recruiting him?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hmmm... he is a high flyer of the highest magnitude, but so is El Dandy."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Who the fuck is El Dandy?"
Bobby Cairo: "He's a real jam up guy."
Bolts Quackenbush: "..."
Bobby Cairo: "We'll put him on the shortlist."
Bolts takes a towel from ringside and wipes the sweat from his face and chest.
Bolts Quackenbush: "We've done some excellent work today, Bobby. What do you say we indulge in our fill of low-fat, high-protein Chinese cuisine?"
Bobby Cairo: "Sounds good to me. All I had for breakfast was an energy bar and a Red Bull."
Bolts uses his cellphone to place an order with his favorite Chinese restaurant. He orders enough food to feed a small army.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Ok thanks, guys. How long will that be? Fifteen minutes? All right, cool. Take care."
Bolts ends the call.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I'm gonna hit the showers. Wait out here in case the delivery guy shows up early."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, no problem, but do you really think we need that much food?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "I figure we'll stop by the Bowery after we're finished eating and give some homeless folks a nice Christmas eve dinner."
Bobby Cairo: "That's good thinking."
Bolts walks over to the locker room. Bobby Cairo spends the next few minutes "reading" his favorite adult magazine. Suddenly, in the middle of a blissful daydream, a knock on the door breaks Cairo's concentration. At the same time, Bolts emerges from the locker room area in his street clothes.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I'll get it, Bobby, I just snatched your wallet from your locker."
Cairo rolls his eyes as Bolts strolls over to the door and pays for the food.
Bobby Cairo: "As long as you're being so charitable with my money, you might as well give the kid a tip."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Kid, take it easy on the eggnog this holiday season."
The delivery guy stares at Bolts. Bolts laughs and gives the kid a five-dollar bill. Bolts carries the bag of food over to the ringside area where Cairo is seated.
Bolts Quackenbush: "The Chinese have no sense of humor."
Bobby Cairo: "I think the Great Leap Forward and subsequent Cultural Revolution established that fact. You know as much as I love Chinese food, I can't wait to dig into Christmas dinner tomorrow night."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Bobby, remember that you're in training. Go easy on the Christmas ham."
Bobby Cairo: "Oh I know, but I can't wait to have a slice of that great holiday fruitcake that my mom makes. I'm a gourmet chef so I'm making the entire dinner at my estate. Ham, potatoes, French cinnamon apple pie, the works. My parents and sister and her husband are coming over. My mom always brings her patented fruitcake."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You like fruitcake? You must be a fruitcake!"
Bolts chuckles as he and Bobby dig into their lemon chicken and steamed combination vegetables.
Bobby Cairo: "Man, those Chinese know how to cook. They've passed their recipes down for thousands of years. They always manage to reinvent and adapt them to modern times. It reminds me of the reinvention of Damien Demento."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I agree. What the man has done is awfully impressive. Give Damien credit, he's using the internet to market himself and doing it better than most of the Fortune 500 companies. For a guy who never got much of a break in the wrestling business, he's making his own break. Not to mention he runs the best gym in Long Island. It's a shame that more people don't come here."
Bobby Cairo: "Speaking of the wrestling business, I have to admit that I'm worried about this match against Striker."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Don't worry about it. Striker is quick and agile. He likes to fly around. You have to get his knees out from under him. I'm gonna be there the entire time screaming "Go for the knee! THE KNEE!!!" You can outwrestle this guy, you just need to slow him down."
Bobby Cairo: "Well, I know I can beat the man, but I'm feeling some added pressure. As you know I'm down on Australia right now."
Bolts sighs and rolls his eyes as he stuffs more chicken into his mouth.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Are we still on this Howard/Rudd thing? You're really becoming unbearable with your obsessive political idealism."
Bobby Cairo: "What are you saying?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "You're becoming unbearable!"
Bobby Cairo: "Look, would it be too much for the Australians to elect a true conservative leader? The South Koreans elected Lee Myung-bak for crying out loud. You're telling me that a former Communist state can vote conservative, but not the land of kangaroos and didgeridoos? Come on now, man."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know something that will take your mind off the whole thing."
Bolts reaches into the bag and pulls out a two-liter bottle of Dew of the Mountain variety.
Bobby Cairo: "My favorite! Thanks a lot, man!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Merry Christmas, Bobby."
Bolts and Cairo exchange a high five. Bolts grabs a couple of plastic cups from the bag and cracks open the Dew.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I propose a toast to victory!"
Bobby Cairo: "To victory!"
Location: The Brooklyn Depot (T.S.O.C. Headquarters), New York
For those of you not in the know, the Brooklyn Depot is the epicenter of activity for Bobby Cairo's T.S.O.C. group. Despite this fact, the Depot is little more than a typical office space with cubicles and computers and of course a conference table where the meetings take place. On this Monday morning before Christmas, the T.S.O.C. members are readying themselves for an important media function. In cooperation with the Constitution Party, the Heritage Foundation and the Minutemen Project, Cairo will be giving a speech via the internet to T.S.O.C. supporters around the globe.
Cairo's close friend and confidante Nick Katsopolis is readying the audio and video equipment for the internet stream. Nick is also securing into place a pleasant holiday backdrop, a religious-themed motif featuring a manger scene and the baby Jesus. As Nick is doing the big work, Cairo is adjusting his tie and slicking back his hair with one of those nifty black combs that all the cool dudes have. Cairo's mentor and trainer Bolts Quackenbush busies himself by drinking large quantities of cappuccino. In fact Bolts has been taking hits from the office cappuccino maker all morning long. He's feeling vigorous to say the least.
Nick Katsopolis: "We're almost finished with the backdrop. So what's up with Biohazard? I thought he was running with T.S.O.C."
Bobby Cairo: "Biohazard is a free spirit. He comes and goes as he pleases. Biohazard cannot be tamed by rules of order and conduct. I feel sorry for Thunder, I really do. Nobody should ever have to step into the ring with Biohazard. That's a fate worse than a thousand hellfires up the asshole."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Does he have a manager? I could be his manager. I'm a great manager. The best! This is damn good cappuccino!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Ok, the backdrop is finished and the audio/video is ready to go. We have another five minutes before we go live. You've rehearsed your lines and everything, right?"
Bobby Cairo: "Rehearsed? I require no rehearsal. We're living in an era of degeneration and perversion. We're told that dissent is patriotic, but who's watching the dissenters? What is their agenda? How do we know that they can be trusted? The truth is that they cannot be trusted. They are but mere extremists with an agenda of evil. This is why I do not blindly pledge myself to any god, flag or government. I pledge myself to me. I pledge myself to T.S.O.C. I believe in the work that we're doing."
Nick Katsopolis: "That's good stuff. Ok, we're live in 30 seconds."
Bobby Cairo: "That was fast."
Cairo sprays his breath with Binaca, then clears his throat.
Nick Katsopolis: "5... 4... 3... 2... and we're live."
Bobby Cairo: "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for joining me on this day before Christmas. As many of us prepare for the holiday festivities we tend to lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. For example, Skyler Striker is a heathen of the lowest order, a leech on society's backside. If Striker were from the Great White North then he would have a bulbous Canadian cranium. Instead our dear Striker is from Down Under. That makes Striker a very sick man, hell-bent on winning at any cost. Striker would sacrifice his body for what he believes to be the greater good. We can use this to our advantage. If our dear Striker wants to walk the minefield then we'll take him to Cambodia.
What does that mean for the average American citizen? I'm not an ideologue, but I know the difference between right and wrong. I know that George W. Bush is a corporate conman working for special interests. Sure I play golf with the man twice a month, but that doesn't mean that I agree with his tactics or his policies. I don't agree with most of what I see in Washington, D.C. Congress is so utterly incompetent that they might as well change their name to the Miami Dolphins. If our international friends have trouble understanding that analogy, let's just say that Congress sucks a big fat dick.
Having said all that, where does T.S.O.C. fit into the big picture? I know that T.S.O.C. can help make America and the entire world a better place. We can pressure the politicians to restore fiscal responsibility. We can teach people to help each other instead of robbing, raping and killing. We as citizens of Earth can stop supporting corporations that destroy our environment in the name of the almighty dollar. These are the same corporations that outsource American jobs by the millions, once again in the name of the almighty dollar.
We can work together to make America and all other so-called free nations the beacons of liberty that we have so falsely proclaimed them to be. We can start by throwing out all illegal immigrants, especially degenerate criminals like Skyler Striker, out on their asses. The revolution starts inside each of us. Our souls illuminate the necessary change for progress. This Sunday in the WCF Classic, Striker will get a taste of my American Revolution and some very inhospitable hospitality. Thank you all, merry Christmas and God bless America or whatever your homeland might be!"
Cairo rips off his headset in jubilation and high fives Nick and Bolts.
Nick Katsopolis: "Powerful stuff, Bobby. You sure you don't want to be president?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! The job doesn't pay well enough, my friend! So what else is on tap for today?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "You and me have to get to the gym and work out. We don't have to leave yet, but after that the three of us are gonna head over to FAO Schwarz and hand out gifts to underprivileged children. We don't want to be late."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, cool. That sounds like a plan. Before we head to the gym, I need to get down to Kinko’s and pick up those flyers for the New Year's bash. It's gonna be great, we're gathering city officials and community leaders from all over New York and I'm gonna give a big speech where I'll announce my presidential endorsement. It's gonna make a huge impact and really put us on the map."
Nick Katsopolis: "Yeah, we know. We were the ones who came up with the idea."
Bobby Cairo: "I know, I just like talking about it."
Date and Time: Monday, December 24th, 2:35 PM
Location: Damien Demento's Gym, Long Island, New York
In recent months Cairo has been working with Bolts to improve his stamina and endurance. Cairo fancies himself an old school technical specialist in the vein of Ric Flair and Bob Backlund. As such Cairo feels it necessary that he prepare his body for the prospect of a marathon match. His standard workout now includes ten miles per day on the treadmill and twenty miles on the cycling machine.
Cairo has also taken up boxing as a means of improving his coordination and dexterity. Cairo's sparring partners include such former World Champions as Mexican legend Antonio Margarito and controversial New York fighter Zab Judah. On this day it's just Bolts and Cairo going a few rounds. Bolts himself is a former Golden Gloves boxing champion, so he can most certainly hold his own in the ring. After Bolts lands a solid combination to Cairo's ribs, Cairo calls for time.
Bobby Cairo: "Damn, you move well for an old dude."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I might be old, but I've never lost my skills. I'm as sharp as a tack on railroad track, ya heard? Don't worry you've been steadily improving. You just need to work on your defense. When I'm moving forward, don't cover up and take those shots. Look for an opening and attack."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, I gotcha."
Cairo takes a big swig of Gatorade as he rubs the feeling back into his ribs.
Bolts Quackenbush: "You know, I've been thinking about some names that we can recruit. What's the name of that guy who wrestles under the mask?"
Bobby Cairo: "That could apply to literally thousands of wrestlers, but I'll play along and guess Jushin Liger?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "No, no, the guy I'm thinking about is Mexican. Oh, I think his name is Psoriasis?"
Bobby Cairo: "You mean Psychosis."
Bolts Quackenbush: "What's that, Hypnosis?"
Bobby Cairo: "Psychosis. I don't think he wears the mask anymore. He should, he's ugly as fuck, but I think he lost his mask to Chris Jericho back in WCW. Or was that Juventud Guerrera? Maybe it was both of them."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Well what do you think about recruiting him?"
Bobby Cairo: "Hmmm... he is a high flyer of the highest magnitude, but so is El Dandy."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Who the fuck is El Dandy?"
Bobby Cairo: "He's a real jam up guy."
Bolts Quackenbush: "..."
Bobby Cairo: "We'll put him on the shortlist."
Bolts takes a towel from ringside and wipes the sweat from his face and chest.
Bolts Quackenbush: "We've done some excellent work today, Bobby. What do you say we indulge in our fill of low-fat, high-protein Chinese cuisine?"
Bobby Cairo: "Sounds good to me. All I had for breakfast was an energy bar and a Red Bull."
Bolts uses his cellphone to place an order with his favorite Chinese restaurant. He orders enough food to feed a small army.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Ok thanks, guys. How long will that be? Fifteen minutes? All right, cool. Take care."
Bolts ends the call.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I'm gonna hit the showers. Wait out here in case the delivery guy shows up early."
Bobby Cairo: "Ok, no problem, but do you really think we need that much food?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "I figure we'll stop by the Bowery after we're finished eating and give some homeless folks a nice Christmas eve dinner."
Bobby Cairo: "That's good thinking."
Bolts walks over to the locker room. Bobby Cairo spends the next few minutes "reading" his favorite adult magazine. Suddenly, in the middle of a blissful daydream, a knock on the door breaks Cairo's concentration. At the same time, Bolts emerges from the locker room area in his street clothes.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I'll get it, Bobby, I just snatched your wallet from your locker."
Cairo rolls his eyes as Bolts strolls over to the door and pays for the food.
Bobby Cairo: "As long as you're being so charitable with my money, you might as well give the kid a tip."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Kid, take it easy on the eggnog this holiday season."
The delivery guy stares at Bolts. Bolts laughs and gives the kid a five-dollar bill. Bolts carries the bag of food over to the ringside area where Cairo is seated.
Bolts Quackenbush: "The Chinese have no sense of humor."
Bobby Cairo: "I think the Great Leap Forward and subsequent Cultural Revolution established that fact. You know as much as I love Chinese food, I can't wait to dig into Christmas dinner tomorrow night."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Bobby, remember that you're in training. Go easy on the Christmas ham."
Bobby Cairo: "Oh I know, but I can't wait to have a slice of that great holiday fruitcake that my mom makes. I'm a gourmet chef so I'm making the entire dinner at my estate. Ham, potatoes, French cinnamon apple pie, the works. My parents and sister and her husband are coming over. My mom always brings her patented fruitcake."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You like fruitcake? You must be a fruitcake!"
Bolts chuckles as he and Bobby dig into their lemon chicken and steamed combination vegetables.
Bobby Cairo: "Man, those Chinese know how to cook. They've passed their recipes down for thousands of years. They always manage to reinvent and adapt them to modern times. It reminds me of the reinvention of Damien Demento."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I agree. What the man has done is awfully impressive. Give Damien credit, he's using the internet to market himself and doing it better than most of the Fortune 500 companies. For a guy who never got much of a break in the wrestling business, he's making his own break. Not to mention he runs the best gym in Long Island. It's a shame that more people don't come here."
Bobby Cairo: "Speaking of the wrestling business, I have to admit that I'm worried about this match against Striker."
Bolts Quackenbush: "Don't worry about it. Striker is quick and agile. He likes to fly around. You have to get his knees out from under him. I'm gonna be there the entire time screaming "Go for the knee! THE KNEE!!!" You can outwrestle this guy, you just need to slow him down."
Bobby Cairo: "Well, I know I can beat the man, but I'm feeling some added pressure. As you know I'm down on Australia right now."
Bolts sighs and rolls his eyes as he stuffs more chicken into his mouth.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Are we still on this Howard/Rudd thing? You're really becoming unbearable with your obsessive political idealism."
Bobby Cairo: "What are you saying?"
Bolts Quackenbush: "You're becoming unbearable!"
Bobby Cairo: "Look, would it be too much for the Australians to elect a true conservative leader? The South Koreans elected Lee Myung-bak for crying out loud. You're telling me that a former Communist state can vote conservative, but not the land of kangaroos and didgeridoos? Come on now, man."
Bolts Quackenbush: "I know something that will take your mind off the whole thing."
Bolts reaches into the bag and pulls out a two-liter bottle of Dew of the Mountain variety.
Bobby Cairo: "My favorite! Thanks a lot, man!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Merry Christmas, Bobby."
Bolts and Cairo exchange a high five. Bolts grabs a couple of plastic cups from the bag and cracks open the Dew.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I propose a toast to victory!"
Bobby Cairo: "To victory!"
