Post by Deleted on Dec 25, 2008 7:48:42 GMT -5
It's Wednesday afternoon, the day before Christmas. 24 hours have passed since Chad Evans unleashed his vitriolic, anti-Torture rant onto the internet. The video stream went live to millions of internet users and millions more have viewed the video since it was uploaded onto YouTube, MySpace and countless other sites. The video also made the rounds, albeit in censored form, on many news and late night programs, becoming cannon fodder for news commentators and late night hosts alike. The reaction to Evans' rant has been varied. Some viewers have found the video to be humorous; others are disturbed or even disgusted by Evans' hateful and clearly drunken outburst. Many news commentators have been critical of Evans for failing in his alleged responsibility to uphold a proper image as a public figure and role model. Evans has not responded to emails and voicemails from media seeking his comment.
Meanwhile a growing number of reporters are waiting at the gated entrance of Evans' property, some of them have been there since early morning. That gated entrance lies at the foot of a long, winding, paved driveway leading up through the hills to Evans' palatial cabin residence. The presence of the reporters has had little effect on Evans; they're not the reason why Evans hasn't left his house since yesterday's incident. Those reporters are not the reason why Evans has spent the last 24 hours sleepless and catatonic, clothes unchanged, with a feeling of perpetual terror running up his spine. No, no, the reason for Evans' apprehension and fear is due to the image that is burned into his retina, the face that is tattooed onto his conscious mind. The face? That face belongs to none other than Torture. Torture is the one critic that Evans fears, the one man to whom Evans will have to answer for his transgressions.
That's why Evans is pacing back and forth in the living room of his cabin, uncertain of what to do with himself. Evans stops pacing and walks over to the windowsill, staring out at the landscape below the cabin. Evans tries to appreciate the beautiful view from his perched hillside residence but he's overwhelmed by feelings of fear and regret that wear on his body and soul, causing knots in his stomach. Evans would like to forget his burden but he is unable to do so as he peers at the reporters who are stationed in a throng all the way down at the foot of the hill. "Those reporters are a nuisance and an eyesore but right now they're far away and they can't get to me," Evans tells himself.
From this distance those reporters appear little more than a gathering of ants, busy little ants. Evans chuckles as he dreams of stepping on those ants and squishing their lifeless bodies. Suddenly a phone rings, breaking Evans from his train of thought. Evans reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He checks the number and sees that it belongs to Nick Katsopolis, friend of Bobby Cairo and employee of Ultra Nova Dojo. Evans flips open the cell phone to answer it.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Nick, how's it going? No I haven't been to sleep yet, haven't eaten, haven't even changed my clothes. I've been so overwhelmed by this whole situation. The media has been calling my cell phone, calling the house phone, sending me email. They're standing at the gate right now, taking pictures of the property, the cabin. They're each clamoring for the best spot to set up their television cameras, waiting for me to drive down there and talk to them, give them a sound bite. Those scumbags have no respect for a man's privacy."
Evans listens to Nick speak on the other end of the line while he gazes down at the reporters with a look of sheer disgust on his face. Suddenly Evans' eyes widen, the look of disgust turns to a look of exasperation on his face.
Chad Evans: "What? Wait a minute you're telling me that my video is the third most viewed video on YouTube behind 'A Miley Cyrus Christmas' and the new Soulja Boy video? Dammit!"
Evans pounds his fist against the solid oak living room wall.
Chad Evans: "Don't people have anybody else to make fun of? When did I become this lightning rod for controversy? I'm a good kid! I post one drunken rant on the internet and all of the sudden I'm Alec Baldwin? It's craziness!"
Evans pauses and listens to Nick on the other end of the line.
Chad Evans: "Jay fucking Leno? Jay fucking Leno was making fun of me?! That fat Italian fuck! Fuck him!"
Evans picks up a lamp from an end table and wields his arm back like he's about to throw it, but then reconsiders and places the lamp back down on the table.
Chad Evans: "Listen, listen I can't let this stuff get to me. I have bigger things to worry about and besides the only person whose opinion matters to me is Torture. I can't undo the media damage, but if I scramble maybe I can patch things up with him."
Evans pauses, listening to Nick. After a few moments Evans furrows his eyebrow and shakes his head.
Chad Evans: "I'm sorry did you just ask me why do I care about what Torture thinks? Nick, did you happen to see what Torture did to Outcast? The man is a ruthless killing machine! I'm not exactly looking forward to spending the holiday season in the intensive care ward. I need to send Torture a Christmas gift. I was thinking about sending him a dozen roses just as a peace offering, not to be romantic or anything. Is that gay? I think a card would be nice too."
Evans walks over to the computer desk and clicks open the Firebox browser window on his laptop, while still listening to Nick on the cell phone.
Chad Evans: "An iPod Touch? What is that exactly?"
Evans types some search terms into the Google toolbar on his browser.
Chad Evans: "Oh I'm looking at it now. You're saying that it has a touch screen like the iPhone? Well I don't have one of those either, but I'll take your word for it. You're telling me this is the hottest gift of the season?"
Evans listens to Nick and then nods his head in affirmation.
Chad Evans: "Well what if he already has it, or what if somebody else is getting it for him? Maybe I should get him some video games instead. Do you think he has Left 4 Dead?"
Evans enters some more search terms on Google, holding the phone to his ear with his other hand.
Chad Evans: "I don't know I'll just send him a package with a bunch of games. Does Torture even play video games? I don't even know. To be honest I'm not even sure if Torture celebrates Christmas. Is he Jewish? What's his last name? I'd send him a machete because I know he'd appreciate that, but he'd probably use it to cut my head off like that nutcase on the bus in Canada."
Evans grabs a pen and paper and writes some information down on the paper.
Chad Evans: "Where does Torture live anyway? I was looking through his old bio online and it says that he lives in Chicago, but I noticed that he was hanging out at L.A.X. in his most recent WCF promo video. I need to find his address, Nick. Can you call WCF offices and get Torture's home address for me? Alright thanks, man. It was good talking to you, I feel a lot better now, man. Thanks, I'll talk to you later, Nick. Bye."
Evans closes his cell phone and slides it into his pants pocket. Evans turns his attention to the computer and checks through sites such as Amazon and Buy.com for shipping information.
Chad Evans: "These sites deliver fast, but I don't have Torture's address and I need this shit now. I can't wait for next day delivery. Looks like I'm going to have to hit the streets. First, a shower!"
Evans walks upstairs and heads into the bathroom that's adjoined to his master bedroom. Evans undresses and tosses his clothes into the hamper. Evans showers, shaves, brushes his teeth and splashes on some cologne, then throws on a pair of jeans, a long-sleeved tee and boots. Evans looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and shakes his head.
Chad Evans: "I can't walk around in public like this, might get spotted. I need a disguise."
Evans rummages through the drawer in the nightstand next to his bed. Evans finds a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, puts them on and walks over to the bathroom mirror.
Chad Evans: "Looking sharp, my man! You're looking like a movie star. Now for the final touch."
Evans pulls a hooded sweatshirt out from his bedroom closet and puts it on. Evans pulls the hood over his head. Evans puts on his winter jacket, takes a quick piss and grabs his keys. Evans walks downstairs and then walks outside through the back door of the cabin.
Chad Evans: "Those reporter assholes think I'm gonna fall into their trap? Fuck them! I'm slipping out the back door, baby!"
Evans hops onto a snowmobile and rides down the hill, in the direction opposite the driveway, away from the front gate and the crowd of reporters. Evans rides all the way down the hill to a single garage set far away from the rest of the buildings on the property. Evans takes the garage door opener out of his pocket and presses the button. The garage door opens and Evans parks the snowmobile inside. Evans gets into a black Lexus LS, pulls out of the garage, pushes the button to close the garage door and drives away. Evans is driving away from the hills and into the city limits when he receives a phone call from Bolts on his cell phone.
Chad Evans: "Bolts, how's it going, boss? Yeah, I'm feeling better. I talked to Nick and I decided that I should buy Torture a Christmas present to smooth things over."
Evans cringes and holds the phone away from his ear. The faint sound of yelling can be heard on the other end of the line.
Chad Evans: "Yes, I'm serious, Bolts. I don't want this man to murder me. I mean think about it, by the time we wrestle on Sunday, Torture will have had five days to watch me talking shit about him all over the TV and the internet, it's in the papers, it's everywhere! Plus it's the holiday season, he's with his family or whomever he eats Christmas dinner with, if he even celebrates Christmas, and he certainly doesn't want to be dealing with this other shit, getting mobbed by media with their questions and whatnot. In addition--"
Evans tries to continue speaking but Bolts cuts him off.
Chad Evans: "Bolts, I'm sorry but I have to do it for my own peace of mind. For the last--"
Evans rolls down his jacket and shirt sleeves and checks the time on his watch.
Chad Evans: "For the last twenty five hours I've been jumping around like I got snakes in my blanket!"
Evans listens to Bolts while checking his mirror to make sure that none of the media people are tailing him.
Chad Evans: "Where do you want me to meet you? Gold Roc Diner? Yeah I could go for a bite. I haven't eaten since all this shit happened. Yeah, yeah, special diet, I'm in training, I know, I know!"
Evans closes the cell phone and switches on the radio, Sirius Satellite Radio. An Opeth song is playing on the Hard Attack channel. 20 minutes later the same Opeth song is still playing as Evans pulls into the parking lot at the Gold Roc Diner. Evans walks into the diner and spots Bolts seated at a booth. Evans walks over to greet him.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Bolts! How's it going? Mind if I join you?"
Evans sits down at the booth across from Bolts.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Hey, Chad! Nice of you to show up. I already ordered for both of us. I ordered you steamed chicken and mixed vegetables with a hint of lemon juice for flavor and mineral water to drink."
Evans sarcastically licks his lips, feigning enticement.
Chad Evans: "Yum, sounds tasty! So do you think maybe I can get some ham tomorrow night, it is Christmas after all."
Bolts shakes his head.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Absolutely not. Ham is much too high in sodium. For Christmas dinner you will be eating a special blend of holiday gruel."
Bolts smiles coyly and takes a sip of iced tea from his glass on the table.
Chad Evans: "Gruel?! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Relax, I'm kidding. Don't worry Sandy and the boys are going to cook everybody a nice holiday feast, you'll be fine. You know, I think she has a thing for you, that Sandy. I see the way she looks at you."
A sheepish expression comes across Evans' face.
Chad Evans: "Oh I don't know about that... I mean she's very pretty, how could she ever like a guy like me?"
Bolts slides out of his seat and slides into the booth next to Evans. Bolts pats Evans on the shoulder.
Bolts Quackenbush: "You're a good looking kid, you just need some confidence, son."
Evans sighs deeply.
Chad Evans: "What difference would it make anyway? I'm not allowed to have sex until I win the World Title, and now I'm not going to win the title because I got drunk and shot off my mouth on some stupid internet video, and Torture is going to kill me. You know something? If you had let me make a cummy then none of this would have happened. I always drink when I can't cum!"
Bolts smacks Evans in the back of his head.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I told you no cummy until you win the belt!"
Evans rubs his head.
Chad Evans: "Damn you and your puritanical rules!"
Bolts slides out of the booth and sits back down across from Evans.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I don't want to hear anymore of that loser talk, either. You're going to beat Torture and you're going to beat him because you're going to do precisely, I mean PRECISELY what I tell you to do."
Evans exhales deeply and rubs his head with the palms of his hands.
Chad Evans: "I know, I know, training, workout, training, special diet, more workouts, more training, sleep deprivation, walk five hundred miles in the snow, I get the idea. But what can I do now that I've given this man bulletin board material? He was already going to try to rip my head off anyway, but now he's going to revel in it, he's going to take pride and joy in his work like never before. I'm an upstart, a brat, a punk kid and I pissed all over a legend!"
Bolts looks Evans straight in the eye.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Chad, you're overreacting. We've all gotten drunk and posted crazy internet rants, look at Rosie O'Donnell, she's made a career out of it. You were trying to get inside his head and you went about it with all the subtlety of a swarm of bees. It was a mistake, but not a critical mistake. Now we do things my way, capisci?"
Evans stares blankly at Bolts.
Bolt Quackenbush: "Do you understand?"
Chad Evans: "Everything until capisci."
At that moment a waitress walks over to the table holding a tray filled with plates. She places the plates down on the table. For the next several minutes Evans and Bolts enjoy a nice meal and an even better conversation. After they finish eating Evans and Bolts leave a tip, pay their bill and walk out the door.
Chad Evans: "Lunch was great. Thanks, Bolts. I needed a good meal, but now I have to get going. I have some Christmas shopping to do."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You can do whatever the hell you want, just meet me back at the house in two hours. We're going to have a final pre-Christmas workout. Tonight you work, give me four solid hours. Then after we finish we'll have dinner. Tomorrow you'll rest, enjoy the holiday. Then we'll get back to work on Friday."
Chad Evans: "Ok, sounds good. Bolts, would you do me a favor? Use the back entrance to get to the house, because there's a bunch of reporters hanging out front."
Evans and Bolts shake hands and go their separate ways. Evans drives to the mall, and spends 20 minutes circling the parking lot to find a parking space. After finally parking and getting inside the mall, Evans finds long lines at every store, and a plurality of "Sold out" and "Out of stock" signs posted for the very items that he was looking to purchase. After searching for roughly 30 minutes in various stores and shops and being unable to find anything to suit his shopping needs, Evans walks out of the mall empty handed and with a dejected look on his face.
"Psst... Hey, kid, you looking for the good stuff?" a voice beckons. Startled, Evans looks around to find the source of the voice. Evans sees a shabbily dressed man wheeling a shopping cart filled with shopping bags in the alleyway behind the mall.
Chad Evans: "Maybe I'm looking, what do you have in those bags?"
Cart Man: "Xbox 360 and all of the games and accessories. I'm talking about Call of Duty 5, Gears of War 2, Guitar Hero 4, GTA 4. Are you interested, kid, or am I wasting my time?"
Evans looks at the cart, seeming tentative at first, then looks at the man.
Chad Evans: "Do you have Left 4 Dead?"
Cart Man smiles.
Cart Man: "I've got Left 4 Dead, I've got any game you want. I've got expansion packs, wireless controllers, all the accessories you could dream!"
Cart Man spends the next 20 minutes explaining to Evans in great detail why each expansion pack, hardware and software upgrade, add-on and accessory is an absolute necessity. Evans is agreeable to the man's sales pitch, even if he's not entirely sure what the hell the man is talking about. Evans checks his watch, notices that he's running short on time, and informs the man that he wants to get the hell out of there.
Cart Man: "Kid, that'll be forty five hundred dollars."
Chad Evans: "Forty five hundred dollars?!"
Evans mouths the words with a look of astonishment on his face.
Chad Evans: "Sheesh, I don't have that much cash on me! Do you take checks?"
Cart Man: "Only with collateral. Give me your jacket, that's a nice jacket. And your boots, too."
Chad Evans: "What the fuck? What am I supposed to wear?"
Cart Man: "You can have my tattered jacket and these beat up old shoes."
Evans looks at the Cart Man's shoes.
Chad Evans: "They're too small and they have holes!"
Cart Man shrugs.
Cart Man: "Do we have a deal or not?"
Chad Evans: "Fine! Let me get my ChapStick out of my jacket pocket before you take that too."
Evans begrudgingly hands the man his jacket and slips out of his boots, then writes a check made out to "cash". Cart Man smiles and tips his cap to Evans, Evans sneers back at the man. Evans wheels the cart filled with video game related merchandise back to the Lexus and loads the bags into the trunk of the car.
Chad Evans: "What a fucking day... well it's a twenty-minute ride back to the house, that means I've got a half-hour to send this stuff out. Where is Nick with that damn address?"
Suddenly Evans' cell phone rings. It's Nick calling him. Evans answers it.
Chad Evans: "Nick, do you have Torture's address for me? Hang on let me get my pen and paper from inside the car. Ok, read the address to me slowly, Nick. Alright, alright, alright, great, I got it. Thank you so much, Nick. I really appreciate it, man. I'll talk to you later. Take care, man. Bye."
Evans closes his cell phone and pops into the car.
Chad Evans: "Let's see, Bobby Cairo told me that his brother-in-law works for FedEx, so I should always use UPS. UPS it is!"
Evans races out of the parking lot and cuts through traffic, breaks the speed limit and drives through red lights in his effort to get to the UPS Store as quickly as possible. Upon reaching the shopping plaza where the UPS Store is located, Evans notices a liquor store located in the same plaza.
Chad Evans: "Hmmm... I was thinking roses earlier, but nothing says I'm sorry quite like a bottle of wine."
Evans decides to stop by the liquor store. He parks the car and runs over to the store. Once inside the store, Evans approaches the counter clerk.
Chad Evans: "Sir, I need your most flavorful yet not overpowering wine that says I'm sorry for talking shit about you on the internet. Also, I noticed that you have a Hallmark display. Do you have any dual-purpose apology-slash-Christmas cards? While I'm at it, can I have two Powerball tickets for tonight, please? Thank you."
The helpful clerk offers Evans a moderately priced bottle of Chardonnay from a vineyard in California and a lovely Christmas card, in addition to the lottery tickets. Evans thanks the clerk for his help, pays for his order, signs the card and scrambles back to the car. Evans frantically drives over to the UPS Store, unloads everything from the car and carries it into the store. After an excruciating 10-minute wait in line it's finally Evans' turn to speak to the UPS clerk.
Chad Evans: "Hi, pardon me for being crude, but I need to ship all of this shit, overnight delivery, here's the address on this piece of paper. I'll pay extra if you can gift-wrap everything for me before you pack it, please. Thank you."
Evans checks his watch while his order is being processed. After a few minutes the clerk rings up Evans' total amount due on the computer. Evans pays the bill, collects his receipt, and skips out the door.
Chad Evans: "Oh my God, it feels so good to be done with that. Now I just have to get home."
Evans gets into the Lexus and races back home as fast as he can, through the city streets, out of the city limits and up the hills until he reaches the garage. Evans parks the Lexus in the garage and rides the snowmobile up the hill, to the cabin. Once inside the cabin, Evans takes off the tattered jacket and filthy shoes and tosses them into the trash. Evans checks his watch and exhales.
Chad Evans: "Five minutes to spare, you've outdone yourself this time, Evans!"
Evans is on his way to get a drink from the kitchen when the doorbell rings, followed by a knock.
Chad Evans (mutters under his breath): "Shit that must be Bolts. He must have lost his key again, crazy old man."
Evans groans and smacks his forehead.
Chad Evans: "Unless you're Christy Hemme then go away!"
Woman's Voice: "It's me, Sandy. I want to talk to you, Chad."
Evans perks up. He walks over and opens the door.
Chad Evans: "Come in, my dear. You look lovely as always."
Sandy steps inside and takes off her jacket, Evans hangs it on the rack for her. They walk over and sit together down on the couch in the living room.
Chad Evans: "You have a key, right? Why are you knocking, ringing the bell?"
Sandy: "I didn't want to just barge in here incase you weren't feeling like talking."
Chad Evans: "Oh, I'm fine. I'm always happy to see you. Is the media still out there? Did they bother you, those jerks?"
Sandy shakes her pretty little head.
Sandy: "No, there was nobody outside."
Chad Evans: "Good I guess my fifteen minutes are up. Would you care for a drink, my dear, a non-alcoholic drink, of course?"
Sandy: "Sure, I'd love some cranberry juice, please, thank you."
Evans fetches two glasses of cranberry juice from the kitchen and places them on the coffee table in front of the couch.
Sandy: "Oh, thank you."
Sandy takes a sip of cranberry juice and then smiles at Evans.
Sandy: "So how are you holding up, Chad? You know I came here to check up on you."
Sandy pats Evans on his leg. Evans looks into Sandy's eyes, then stares at her boobs, then her eyes again.
Chad Evans: "I appreciate your concern, Sandy, I really do. I feel much better than I did before, especially now that you're here, but there's this feeling that I can't shake. I feel like the seeds I've sown shall produce the grapes of wrath. I feel like Torture is going to beat the shit out of me, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I train."
A look of concern appears on Sandy's face. She touches Evans' face, then looks sweetly at him and smiles.
Sandy: "Don't worry, Chad, you'll be fine. Remember what Cairo told you, 'Life is a fight, it's an eternal struggle and we fight because we will not die.' I know that you're doubting yourself right now, Chad, but I want you to know that you can always defeat the odds if you believe in yourself and you never give up."
A feeling of warmth overcomes Evans. Sandy and Evans pull close together on the couch... and they kiss. A feeling of electricity courses through Evans' body and for that moment he forgets all of his troubles. When it's over Sandy smiles at him and pinches his cheek.
Sandy: "Good luck, sweetie. I know that you'll do great."
Sandy stands up, walks over to the coat rack, takes her jacket and puts it on. She walks over to the door, opens it, stops, turns around toward Evans and smiles. Sandy turns away and walks out the door, closing it behind her. Evans drops from the couch down to his knees.
Chad Evans: "Cairo! It always comes back to you, Cairo! Where are you, my fallen mentor? Why have you abandoned me? I see now that I must honor your sacrifice by succeeding where you faltered, triumphing where you met your end. I do believe that you descended into the darkness for a reason, into those shadows and that murky water so that others could see the light. Your sacrifice shall not go unheeded nor unheralded. I too must march into the darkness!"
Evans' speech is interrupted by the sound of keys jingling in the door lock.
Chad Evans: "Oh shit.. Bolts is here!"
Evans falls flat on the floor. Bolts opens the door and berates Evans for his "laziness". Another training session is upon the young Evans and the joy of the holidays has never seemed so far away.
Meanwhile a growing number of reporters are waiting at the gated entrance of Evans' property, some of them have been there since early morning. That gated entrance lies at the foot of a long, winding, paved driveway leading up through the hills to Evans' palatial cabin residence. The presence of the reporters has had little effect on Evans; they're not the reason why Evans hasn't left his house since yesterday's incident. Those reporters are not the reason why Evans has spent the last 24 hours sleepless and catatonic, clothes unchanged, with a feeling of perpetual terror running up his spine. No, no, the reason for Evans' apprehension and fear is due to the image that is burned into his retina, the face that is tattooed onto his conscious mind. The face? That face belongs to none other than Torture. Torture is the one critic that Evans fears, the one man to whom Evans will have to answer for his transgressions.
That's why Evans is pacing back and forth in the living room of his cabin, uncertain of what to do with himself. Evans stops pacing and walks over to the windowsill, staring out at the landscape below the cabin. Evans tries to appreciate the beautiful view from his perched hillside residence but he's overwhelmed by feelings of fear and regret that wear on his body and soul, causing knots in his stomach. Evans would like to forget his burden but he is unable to do so as he peers at the reporters who are stationed in a throng all the way down at the foot of the hill. "Those reporters are a nuisance and an eyesore but right now they're far away and they can't get to me," Evans tells himself.
From this distance those reporters appear little more than a gathering of ants, busy little ants. Evans chuckles as he dreams of stepping on those ants and squishing their lifeless bodies. Suddenly a phone rings, breaking Evans from his train of thought. Evans reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out his cell phone. He checks the number and sees that it belongs to Nick Katsopolis, friend of Bobby Cairo and employee of Ultra Nova Dojo. Evans flips open the cell phone to answer it.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Nick, how's it going? No I haven't been to sleep yet, haven't eaten, haven't even changed my clothes. I've been so overwhelmed by this whole situation. The media has been calling my cell phone, calling the house phone, sending me email. They're standing at the gate right now, taking pictures of the property, the cabin. They're each clamoring for the best spot to set up their television cameras, waiting for me to drive down there and talk to them, give them a sound bite. Those scumbags have no respect for a man's privacy."
Evans listens to Nick speak on the other end of the line while he gazes down at the reporters with a look of sheer disgust on his face. Suddenly Evans' eyes widen, the look of disgust turns to a look of exasperation on his face.
Chad Evans: "What? Wait a minute you're telling me that my video is the third most viewed video on YouTube behind 'A Miley Cyrus Christmas' and the new Soulja Boy video? Dammit!"
Evans pounds his fist against the solid oak living room wall.
Chad Evans: "Don't people have anybody else to make fun of? When did I become this lightning rod for controversy? I'm a good kid! I post one drunken rant on the internet and all of the sudden I'm Alec Baldwin? It's craziness!"
Evans pauses and listens to Nick on the other end of the line.
Chad Evans: "Jay fucking Leno? Jay fucking Leno was making fun of me?! That fat Italian fuck! Fuck him!"
Evans picks up a lamp from an end table and wields his arm back like he's about to throw it, but then reconsiders and places the lamp back down on the table.
Chad Evans: "Listen, listen I can't let this stuff get to me. I have bigger things to worry about and besides the only person whose opinion matters to me is Torture. I can't undo the media damage, but if I scramble maybe I can patch things up with him."
Evans pauses, listening to Nick. After a few moments Evans furrows his eyebrow and shakes his head.
Chad Evans: "I'm sorry did you just ask me why do I care about what Torture thinks? Nick, did you happen to see what Torture did to Outcast? The man is a ruthless killing machine! I'm not exactly looking forward to spending the holiday season in the intensive care ward. I need to send Torture a Christmas gift. I was thinking about sending him a dozen roses just as a peace offering, not to be romantic or anything. Is that gay? I think a card would be nice too."
Evans walks over to the computer desk and clicks open the Firebox browser window on his laptop, while still listening to Nick on the cell phone.
Chad Evans: "An iPod Touch? What is that exactly?"
Evans types some search terms into the Google toolbar on his browser.
Chad Evans: "Oh I'm looking at it now. You're saying that it has a touch screen like the iPhone? Well I don't have one of those either, but I'll take your word for it. You're telling me this is the hottest gift of the season?"
Evans listens to Nick and then nods his head in affirmation.
Chad Evans: "Well what if he already has it, or what if somebody else is getting it for him? Maybe I should get him some video games instead. Do you think he has Left 4 Dead?"
Evans enters some more search terms on Google, holding the phone to his ear with his other hand.
Chad Evans: "I don't know I'll just send him a package with a bunch of games. Does Torture even play video games? I don't even know. To be honest I'm not even sure if Torture celebrates Christmas. Is he Jewish? What's his last name? I'd send him a machete because I know he'd appreciate that, but he'd probably use it to cut my head off like that nutcase on the bus in Canada."
Evans grabs a pen and paper and writes some information down on the paper.
Chad Evans: "Where does Torture live anyway? I was looking through his old bio online and it says that he lives in Chicago, but I noticed that he was hanging out at L.A.X. in his most recent WCF promo video. I need to find his address, Nick. Can you call WCF offices and get Torture's home address for me? Alright thanks, man. It was good talking to you, I feel a lot better now, man. Thanks, I'll talk to you later, Nick. Bye."
Evans closes his cell phone and slides it into his pants pocket. Evans turns his attention to the computer and checks through sites such as Amazon and Buy.com for shipping information.
Chad Evans: "These sites deliver fast, but I don't have Torture's address and I need this shit now. I can't wait for next day delivery. Looks like I'm going to have to hit the streets. First, a shower!"
Evans walks upstairs and heads into the bathroom that's adjoined to his master bedroom. Evans undresses and tosses his clothes into the hamper. Evans showers, shaves, brushes his teeth and splashes on some cologne, then throws on a pair of jeans, a long-sleeved tee and boots. Evans looks at himself in the bathroom mirror and shakes his head.
Chad Evans: "I can't walk around in public like this, might get spotted. I need a disguise."
Evans rummages through the drawer in the nightstand next to his bed. Evans finds a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses, puts them on and walks over to the bathroom mirror.
Chad Evans: "Looking sharp, my man! You're looking like a movie star. Now for the final touch."
Evans pulls a hooded sweatshirt out from his bedroom closet and puts it on. Evans pulls the hood over his head. Evans puts on his winter jacket, takes a quick piss and grabs his keys. Evans walks downstairs and then walks outside through the back door of the cabin.
Chad Evans: "Those reporter assholes think I'm gonna fall into their trap? Fuck them! I'm slipping out the back door, baby!"
Evans hops onto a snowmobile and rides down the hill, in the direction opposite the driveway, away from the front gate and the crowd of reporters. Evans rides all the way down the hill to a single garage set far away from the rest of the buildings on the property. Evans takes the garage door opener out of his pocket and presses the button. The garage door opens and Evans parks the snowmobile inside. Evans gets into a black Lexus LS, pulls out of the garage, pushes the button to close the garage door and drives away. Evans is driving away from the hills and into the city limits when he receives a phone call from Bolts on his cell phone.
Chad Evans: "Bolts, how's it going, boss? Yeah, I'm feeling better. I talked to Nick and I decided that I should buy Torture a Christmas present to smooth things over."
Evans cringes and holds the phone away from his ear. The faint sound of yelling can be heard on the other end of the line.
Chad Evans: "Yes, I'm serious, Bolts. I don't want this man to murder me. I mean think about it, by the time we wrestle on Sunday, Torture will have had five days to watch me talking shit about him all over the TV and the internet, it's in the papers, it's everywhere! Plus it's the holiday season, he's with his family or whomever he eats Christmas dinner with, if he even celebrates Christmas, and he certainly doesn't want to be dealing with this other shit, getting mobbed by media with their questions and whatnot. In addition--"
Evans tries to continue speaking but Bolts cuts him off.
Chad Evans: "Bolts, I'm sorry but I have to do it for my own peace of mind. For the last--"
Evans rolls down his jacket and shirt sleeves and checks the time on his watch.
Chad Evans: "For the last twenty five hours I've been jumping around like I got snakes in my blanket!"
Evans listens to Bolts while checking his mirror to make sure that none of the media people are tailing him.
Chad Evans: "Where do you want me to meet you? Gold Roc Diner? Yeah I could go for a bite. I haven't eaten since all this shit happened. Yeah, yeah, special diet, I'm in training, I know, I know!"
Evans closes the cell phone and switches on the radio, Sirius Satellite Radio. An Opeth song is playing on the Hard Attack channel. 20 minutes later the same Opeth song is still playing as Evans pulls into the parking lot at the Gold Roc Diner. Evans walks into the diner and spots Bolts seated at a booth. Evans walks over to greet him.
Chad Evans: "Hey, Bolts! How's it going? Mind if I join you?"
Evans sits down at the booth across from Bolts.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Hey, Chad! Nice of you to show up. I already ordered for both of us. I ordered you steamed chicken and mixed vegetables with a hint of lemon juice for flavor and mineral water to drink."
Evans sarcastically licks his lips, feigning enticement.
Chad Evans: "Yum, sounds tasty! So do you think maybe I can get some ham tomorrow night, it is Christmas after all."
Bolts shakes his head.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Absolutely not. Ham is much too high in sodium. For Christmas dinner you will be eating a special blend of holiday gruel."
Bolts smiles coyly and takes a sip of iced tea from his glass on the table.
Chad Evans: "Gruel?! I am not an animal! I am a human being! I am a man!"
Bolts Quackenbush: "Relax, I'm kidding. Don't worry Sandy and the boys are going to cook everybody a nice holiday feast, you'll be fine. You know, I think she has a thing for you, that Sandy. I see the way she looks at you."
A sheepish expression comes across Evans' face.
Chad Evans: "Oh I don't know about that... I mean she's very pretty, how could she ever like a guy like me?"
Bolts slides out of his seat and slides into the booth next to Evans. Bolts pats Evans on the shoulder.
Bolts Quackenbush: "You're a good looking kid, you just need some confidence, son."
Evans sighs deeply.
Chad Evans: "What difference would it make anyway? I'm not allowed to have sex until I win the World Title, and now I'm not going to win the title because I got drunk and shot off my mouth on some stupid internet video, and Torture is going to kill me. You know something? If you had let me make a cummy then none of this would have happened. I always drink when I can't cum!"
Bolts smacks Evans in the back of his head.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I told you no cummy until you win the belt!"
Evans rubs his head.
Chad Evans: "Damn you and your puritanical rules!"
Bolts slides out of the booth and sits back down across from Evans.
Bolts Quackenbush: "I don't want to hear anymore of that loser talk, either. You're going to beat Torture and you're going to beat him because you're going to do precisely, I mean PRECISELY what I tell you to do."
Evans exhales deeply and rubs his head with the palms of his hands.
Chad Evans: "I know, I know, training, workout, training, special diet, more workouts, more training, sleep deprivation, walk five hundred miles in the snow, I get the idea. But what can I do now that I've given this man bulletin board material? He was already going to try to rip my head off anyway, but now he's going to revel in it, he's going to take pride and joy in his work like never before. I'm an upstart, a brat, a punk kid and I pissed all over a legend!"
Bolts looks Evans straight in the eye.
Bolts Quackenbush: "Chad, you're overreacting. We've all gotten drunk and posted crazy internet rants, look at Rosie O'Donnell, she's made a career out of it. You were trying to get inside his head and you went about it with all the subtlety of a swarm of bees. It was a mistake, but not a critical mistake. Now we do things my way, capisci?"
Evans stares blankly at Bolts.
Bolt Quackenbush: "Do you understand?"
Chad Evans: "Everything until capisci."
At that moment a waitress walks over to the table holding a tray filled with plates. She places the plates down on the table. For the next several minutes Evans and Bolts enjoy a nice meal and an even better conversation. After they finish eating Evans and Bolts leave a tip, pay their bill and walk out the door.
Chad Evans: "Lunch was great. Thanks, Bolts. I needed a good meal, but now I have to get going. I have some Christmas shopping to do."
Bolts Quackenbush: "You can do whatever the hell you want, just meet me back at the house in two hours. We're going to have a final pre-Christmas workout. Tonight you work, give me four solid hours. Then after we finish we'll have dinner. Tomorrow you'll rest, enjoy the holiday. Then we'll get back to work on Friday."
Chad Evans: "Ok, sounds good. Bolts, would you do me a favor? Use the back entrance to get to the house, because there's a bunch of reporters hanging out front."
Evans and Bolts shake hands and go their separate ways. Evans drives to the mall, and spends 20 minutes circling the parking lot to find a parking space. After finally parking and getting inside the mall, Evans finds long lines at every store, and a plurality of "Sold out" and "Out of stock" signs posted for the very items that he was looking to purchase. After searching for roughly 30 minutes in various stores and shops and being unable to find anything to suit his shopping needs, Evans walks out of the mall empty handed and with a dejected look on his face.
"Psst... Hey, kid, you looking for the good stuff?" a voice beckons. Startled, Evans looks around to find the source of the voice. Evans sees a shabbily dressed man wheeling a shopping cart filled with shopping bags in the alleyway behind the mall.
Chad Evans: "Maybe I'm looking, what do you have in those bags?"
Cart Man: "Xbox 360 and all of the games and accessories. I'm talking about Call of Duty 5, Gears of War 2, Guitar Hero 4, GTA 4. Are you interested, kid, or am I wasting my time?"
Evans looks at the cart, seeming tentative at first, then looks at the man.
Chad Evans: "Do you have Left 4 Dead?"
Cart Man smiles.
Cart Man: "I've got Left 4 Dead, I've got any game you want. I've got expansion packs, wireless controllers, all the accessories you could dream!"
Cart Man spends the next 20 minutes explaining to Evans in great detail why each expansion pack, hardware and software upgrade, add-on and accessory is an absolute necessity. Evans is agreeable to the man's sales pitch, even if he's not entirely sure what the hell the man is talking about. Evans checks his watch, notices that he's running short on time, and informs the man that he wants to get the hell out of there.
Cart Man: "Kid, that'll be forty five hundred dollars."
Chad Evans: "Forty five hundred dollars?!"
Evans mouths the words with a look of astonishment on his face.
Chad Evans: "Sheesh, I don't have that much cash on me! Do you take checks?"
Cart Man: "Only with collateral. Give me your jacket, that's a nice jacket. And your boots, too."
Chad Evans: "What the fuck? What am I supposed to wear?"
Cart Man: "You can have my tattered jacket and these beat up old shoes."
Evans looks at the Cart Man's shoes.
Chad Evans: "They're too small and they have holes!"
Cart Man shrugs.
Cart Man: "Do we have a deal or not?"
Chad Evans: "Fine! Let me get my ChapStick out of my jacket pocket before you take that too."
Evans begrudgingly hands the man his jacket and slips out of his boots, then writes a check made out to "cash". Cart Man smiles and tips his cap to Evans, Evans sneers back at the man. Evans wheels the cart filled with video game related merchandise back to the Lexus and loads the bags into the trunk of the car.
Chad Evans: "What a fucking day... well it's a twenty-minute ride back to the house, that means I've got a half-hour to send this stuff out. Where is Nick with that damn address?"
Suddenly Evans' cell phone rings. It's Nick calling him. Evans answers it.
Chad Evans: "Nick, do you have Torture's address for me? Hang on let me get my pen and paper from inside the car. Ok, read the address to me slowly, Nick. Alright, alright, alright, great, I got it. Thank you so much, Nick. I really appreciate it, man. I'll talk to you later. Take care, man. Bye."
Evans closes his cell phone and pops into the car.
Chad Evans: "Let's see, Bobby Cairo told me that his brother-in-law works for FedEx, so I should always use UPS. UPS it is!"
Evans races out of the parking lot and cuts through traffic, breaks the speed limit and drives through red lights in his effort to get to the UPS Store as quickly as possible. Upon reaching the shopping plaza where the UPS Store is located, Evans notices a liquor store located in the same plaza.
Chad Evans: "Hmmm... I was thinking roses earlier, but nothing says I'm sorry quite like a bottle of wine."
Evans decides to stop by the liquor store. He parks the car and runs over to the store. Once inside the store, Evans approaches the counter clerk.
Chad Evans: "Sir, I need your most flavorful yet not overpowering wine that says I'm sorry for talking shit about you on the internet. Also, I noticed that you have a Hallmark display. Do you have any dual-purpose apology-slash-Christmas cards? While I'm at it, can I have two Powerball tickets for tonight, please? Thank you."
The helpful clerk offers Evans a moderately priced bottle of Chardonnay from a vineyard in California and a lovely Christmas card, in addition to the lottery tickets. Evans thanks the clerk for his help, pays for his order, signs the card and scrambles back to the car. Evans frantically drives over to the UPS Store, unloads everything from the car and carries it into the store. After an excruciating 10-minute wait in line it's finally Evans' turn to speak to the UPS clerk.
Chad Evans: "Hi, pardon me for being crude, but I need to ship all of this shit, overnight delivery, here's the address on this piece of paper. I'll pay extra if you can gift-wrap everything for me before you pack it, please. Thank you."
Evans checks his watch while his order is being processed. After a few minutes the clerk rings up Evans' total amount due on the computer. Evans pays the bill, collects his receipt, and skips out the door.
Chad Evans: "Oh my God, it feels so good to be done with that. Now I just have to get home."
Evans gets into the Lexus and races back home as fast as he can, through the city streets, out of the city limits and up the hills until he reaches the garage. Evans parks the Lexus in the garage and rides the snowmobile up the hill, to the cabin. Once inside the cabin, Evans takes off the tattered jacket and filthy shoes and tosses them into the trash. Evans checks his watch and exhales.
Chad Evans: "Five minutes to spare, you've outdone yourself this time, Evans!"
Evans is on his way to get a drink from the kitchen when the doorbell rings, followed by a knock.
Chad Evans (mutters under his breath): "Shit that must be Bolts. He must have lost his key again, crazy old man."
Evans groans and smacks his forehead.
Chad Evans: "Unless you're Christy Hemme then go away!"
Woman's Voice: "It's me, Sandy. I want to talk to you, Chad."
Evans perks up. He walks over and opens the door.
Chad Evans: "Come in, my dear. You look lovely as always."
Sandy steps inside and takes off her jacket, Evans hangs it on the rack for her. They walk over and sit together down on the couch in the living room.
Chad Evans: "You have a key, right? Why are you knocking, ringing the bell?"
Sandy: "I didn't want to just barge in here incase you weren't feeling like talking."
Chad Evans: "Oh, I'm fine. I'm always happy to see you. Is the media still out there? Did they bother you, those jerks?"
Sandy shakes her pretty little head.
Sandy: "No, there was nobody outside."
Chad Evans: "Good I guess my fifteen minutes are up. Would you care for a drink, my dear, a non-alcoholic drink, of course?"
Sandy: "Sure, I'd love some cranberry juice, please, thank you."
Evans fetches two glasses of cranberry juice from the kitchen and places them on the coffee table in front of the couch.
Sandy: "Oh, thank you."
Sandy takes a sip of cranberry juice and then smiles at Evans.
Sandy: "So how are you holding up, Chad? You know I came here to check up on you."
Sandy pats Evans on his leg. Evans looks into Sandy's eyes, then stares at her boobs, then her eyes again.
Chad Evans: "I appreciate your concern, Sandy, I really do. I feel much better than I did before, especially now that you're here, but there's this feeling that I can't shake. I feel like the seeds I've sown shall produce the grapes of wrath. I feel like Torture is going to beat the shit out of me, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I train."
A look of concern appears on Sandy's face. She touches Evans' face, then looks sweetly at him and smiles.
Sandy: "Don't worry, Chad, you'll be fine. Remember what Cairo told you, 'Life is a fight, it's an eternal struggle and we fight because we will not die.' I know that you're doubting yourself right now, Chad, but I want you to know that you can always defeat the odds if you believe in yourself and you never give up."
A feeling of warmth overcomes Evans. Sandy and Evans pull close together on the couch... and they kiss. A feeling of electricity courses through Evans' body and for that moment he forgets all of his troubles. When it's over Sandy smiles at him and pinches his cheek.
Sandy: "Good luck, sweetie. I know that you'll do great."
Sandy stands up, walks over to the coat rack, takes her jacket and puts it on. She walks over to the door, opens it, stops, turns around toward Evans and smiles. Sandy turns away and walks out the door, closing it behind her. Evans drops from the couch down to his knees.
Chad Evans: "Cairo! It always comes back to you, Cairo! Where are you, my fallen mentor? Why have you abandoned me? I see now that I must honor your sacrifice by succeeding where you faltered, triumphing where you met your end. I do believe that you descended into the darkness for a reason, into those shadows and that murky water so that others could see the light. Your sacrifice shall not go unheeded nor unheralded. I too must march into the darkness!"
Evans' speech is interrupted by the sound of keys jingling in the door lock.
Chad Evans: "Oh shit.. Bolts is here!"
Evans falls flat on the floor. Bolts opens the door and berates Evans for his "laziness". Another training session is upon the young Evans and the joy of the holidays has never seemed so far away.
