Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2008 22:10:15 GMT -5
May, 2008
It was the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows. Cairo's night of passion with the woman of his dreams turned into a nightmare when that woman walked out the door and out of Cairo's life without leaving behind so much as a name or a number. In the subsequent days and weeks, Cairo was unable to track the woman down, despite his best efforts including private detectives, LexisNexis, etc. The woman had seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth, without a trace. All that remained for Cairo from that special night were the memories and a pair of the woman's nylon stockings.
Cairo had mixed feelings about those stockings. He regarded them variously as a trophy, as a memento of the passion and enchantment transpired, but also as a noose. Those stockings were taunting Cairo. Without the stockings Cairo could have dismissed the entire night as a mere fling, but everytime he looked at the stockings, sniffed them, caressed them, Cairo was transported back into the throes of passion, the heat of that night. The stockings would not let Cairo forget, and in turn Cairo spent many nights tossing and turning in his bed, sleepless and hopeless. Then one sleepless night an idea hit Cairo like a steel chair across the head; those stockings that teased Cairo could also be the key to solving the mystery that haunted him.
To fully explain this some background information is necessary. By this point in time Cairo has come to be regarded as an enemy of the state by both politicians and government agents alike, due in large part to Cairo's outspoken opposition to many government positions and policies. Cairo's dissatisfaction with America's elected(?) leaders is what ultimately prompted Cairo to launch an independent campaign for president. Obviously many in government were not pleased with Cairo's decision. It surely undermines the influence and the very credibility of an administration when an influential and high profile business mogul criticizes that administration's policies and threatens to campaign in opposition to them. Make no mistake about it; Cairo's initial rise to mainstream prominence was due to his success as a professional wrestler. However Cairo took the initiative and seized upon the newfound fame and fortune that wrestling provided him by investing in many lucrative business ventures.
In doing so Cairo procured many influential business and media contacts, enabling him access to a world that only two types of people will ever see: The world's best and brightest, and the world's most evil and cutthroat. These two groups of people rarely hold much else in common aside from their wealth, ambition and influence; thus Cairo's outspoken dissent. As Richard Nixon had his enemies list in the 70's, so too does the Bush administration and its loyalists, scoundrels seeking to protect a way of life for those privileged and elite individuals that hold nothing sacred, save for the almighty dollar. Cairo too has developed a growing list of enemies, though not intentionally. Cairo was never looking to make himself a target of the federal government, but sometimes that's the price to pay for free speech.
Inevitably Cairo also developed friendships with government employees that were sympathetic to his agenda, infiltrators of the system, loyalists not to money, but to liberty and the Constitution. What precisely does any of this have to do with a pair of stockings? That's where Cairo's idea comes into the equation. Cairo has a friend who works for the RAND Corporation; a forensic scientist named Dr. Gregory Anderson who is capable doing some pretty remarkable things with DNA. For those unfamiliar, the RAND Corporation purports to be a nonprofit global policy think tank formed to offer research and analysis to the United States armed forces. In truth RAND is a covert military agency funded by the United States government (read: the American taxpayers), formed for the purpose of advancing the globalist agenda of one world government. There are RAND offices spread out all over the continental United States, with locations in five cities across the country.
RAND is headquartered in sunny Santa Monica, California of all places, but Cairo will be traveling to the RAND compound in Washington, D.C. (read: Arlington, Virginia) to meet his contact, Dr. Anderson. Cairo has decided to forgo the pomposity and conspicuous fanfare of a jet airplane flight, instead opting to drive from Hartford to D.C. in his vintage 1974 Cadillac Eldorado. Joining Cairo on the trip will be his loyal compatriot and best friend (read: manservant) Nick Katsopolis.
Cairo and Nick cruising down a rural interstate highway
Road trips are always more fun with a friend and this trip will be no exception. Fuck Sirius Satellite Radio, Cairo and Nick are jamming out to old school blues and rock and roll records on Cairo's state of the art car stereo system during their long ride down the east coast interstate highway. They even manage to score some hot pussy at a highway rest stop, though it hardly manages to cure Cairo's heartache and longing (read: emofag). After about an 16 or 18-hour drive, however long it takes to drive from Hartford to D.C., Cairo and Nick arrive in the nation's capitol, in the general vicinity of the RAND building. As soon as they pull into town, Cairo and Nick can feel a certain vibe in the air. There's an aura of fear, paranoia, secrecy, hushed tones... but is it real or just in their minds (read: folie à deux)? Regardless of feeling or folly Cairo's Eldorado soon pulls to a stop in front of the gates surrounding the RAND compound, a massive, sprawling facility located in the outskirts of town.
The gates of the RAND compound
The two armed guards stationed at the gate approach Cairo's vehicle and request identification from both occupants of the vehicle. Cairo rolls down the tinted driver's side window and holds up his hand as if to say, "None of this nonsense, not tonight." The guard immediately recognizes Cairo and promptly apologizes for any inconvenience, then angrily orders his partner to open the gate in an obvious attempt to cover his own ass, and waves Cairo through. Nick thinks all of this is pretty awesome. Once inside the facility, Cairo parks the Caddy in a spot reserved for "G.H.W. Bush" and places a cellphone call to his contact inside the building, Dr. Anderson. Cairo has been inside the RAND building before, but on this evening Cairo is inebriated following a long drive and he can barely remember his own name much less his previous visit(s?) to the facility.
Before exiting the vehicle, Cairo instructs Nick to follow his lead at all times. Should any shit go down, Cairo is packing heat. Cairo opens his jacket and flashes his piece to reassure Nick, not that Nick is nervous or anything because he's a pretty cool guy. After a quick stroll and some side stepping to avoid any puddles on a moist Spring evening, Cairo and Nick reach the outer perimeter (read: door) of the building. Once inside the RAND building Cairo lights up a blunt just to see how far he can push things. The security presence is heavy all throughout the grounds, but none of the guards seem to pay Cairo or Nick much attention. Cairo wasn't expecting much turmoil, but he certainly didn't expect his venture into a maximum-security government facility to be this easy.
The security staff may be accommodating, but reaching Cairo's contact still will not be easy. Cairo and Nick must first navigate a secret, underground labyrinth of hidden compartments, dark and dreary stairwells and a bunch of booby traps and stuff. Or they could just take the elevator, which is what they decide to do. They take the elevator down, all the way down past the basement(!). When the elevator reaches the bottom floor the elevator door opens revealing a white hallway, white floor and white walls all leading to a single, red, steel-fortified door about a hundred yards or so down the way. Nick looks at Cairo with a hint of uncertainty in his eyes, but Cairo flashes his piece again and nods his head reassuringly.
Cairo and Nick begin their walk toward the door, their footsteps echoing in the hallway. Once they reach the door Cairo extends his fist and knocks loudly on the door, making sure to use the secret knock (shave and a haircut, two bits). Within moments a sliding compartment on the door is opened revealing a peephole. "Who is it?" a man's distorted voice calls out from inside. "You know who I am, Gregory," Cairo replies, "Open up the door, your rent's due, motherfucker!" Gregory, as Cairo calls him, does open the door, revealing a diminutive, youthful-looking, African American male wearing a white lab coat and thick Buddy Holly glasses.
Cairo's friend and noted forensic scientist, Dr. Gregory Anderson
Cairo and Gregory embrace like homeboys and exchange a very secret and official handshake (up high, down low, reach around the bend, oops that's too far... ahem.)
Gregory Anderson: "Cairo, it's good to see you, you crazy sumbitch! How are you doing? How's the presidential campaign?"
Bobby Cairo: "It's going very well, Gregory, thank you for asking. We're polling ahead of the 3% margin of error in some states, Montana, New Hampshire, Alaska, etc. How's the wife and kids?"
Gregory Anderson: "Good, real good. Everybody's sane and alive. My wife still has a great ass, which I love. I love to tap that booty."
Bobby Cairo: "I hear ya, I definitely hear ya. In fact that's why I'm here tonight."
Gregory Anderson: "Right, right, you were telling me about this incredible woman that you had sex with at the governor's mansion up there in Connecticut, you said she looked like Scarlett Johansson? That's wild, man."
Bobby Cairo: "Absolutely, she had the lips and the boobs, the eyes, I mean..."
Cairo takes a deep breath and exhales.
Bobby Cairo: "This woman is fucking incredible and I must have her in my life. I want to be with her every moment of every day, but I have no idea where she is. That's why I need your help."
Cairo pulls a Ziploc baggy out of his pocket containing the woman's nylon stockings.
Gregory Anderson: "You haven't cum on these stockings have you? If your DNA gets mixed up with hers there's no guarantee that it will test properly."
Bobby Cairo: "I have jerked off repeatedly while sniffing them, but I have not cum on them. I didn't want them to get all crusty and nasty."
Gregory Anderson: "Good on you, bro, good on you. That will make the process much easier."
Nick Katsopolis: "What exactly are you guys going to do? Oh by the way my name's Nick. It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Anderson."
Nick extends his hand to Gregory and they shake hands.
Gregory Anderson: "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Nick. Please call me Gregory. What I'm going to do here is take a DNA sample from these stockings, for example hair, sweat, pussy juices and see if I can find a match with the DNA database that we have on file here."
Nick Katsopolis: "I don't understand, you're saying that you can use sweat from a pair of stockings to identify someone anywhere in America? That's crazy!"
Gregory chuckles.
Gregory Anderson: "Nick, let me clue you in to some reality. If you've ever handled a penny the government has your DNA on file. Why do you think we keep them in circulation?"
Nick Katsopolis: "How are you allowed to do this? This predates and reaches far beyond the scope of even the Patriot Act."
Gregory Anderson: "The origins of this program lie in FISA, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978, which was a predecessor to the Patriot Act. Politicians became very concerned when Nixon became embroiled in controversy surrounding the Watergate scandal. Our elected leaders decided that they needed to find a loophole to give themselves absolute power. In essence they needed a loophole around the Constitution and after some deliberation they reached the following conclusion; they would be justified in suspending certain liberties if they could purport to be defending those liberties. They also concluded that they couldn't be prosecuted for violating federal surveillance laws if they suspended those laws under the guise of national security. One thing led to another after those first seeds of government intrusion were planted and now here we are 30 years later."
Bobby Cairo: "It's funny because when Hollywood reports on this shit with Oliver Stone and Michael Moore they never tell you the full story, just bits and pieces. You really have to go to the Alex Jones' of the world to get the hard shit, the full scope. Shit I've uncovered more truth on YouTube and MySpace than I ever got from the nightly news."
Gregory Anderson: "And that's just it, you hit the nail on the head, Cairo. Government isn't concerned about Alex Jones and his ilk because it's easy to discredit them as radicals and nutjobs. Let's be honest this shit seems too farfetched to be true, but yet here we are, am I right? That's also the reason why the government has been targeting you, Cairo. You're far too powerful and influential to be their enemy, you're the one kook that they cannot dismiss."
Nick Katsopolis: "Well I think all of this is an abomination and a blatant violation of civil liberties. What's next using GPS to track the movements of law-abiding American citizens?"
Cairo and Gregory exchange knowing glances and then turn away.
Gregory Anderson: "Uh no, no, we would never do anything like that. Definitely not, that would be an intrusion of your Constitutional rights!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Well it's good to know that even the government has its limits, at least some rights are still held sacred."
Gregory Anderson: "Right, right... hey Cairo, let me ask you a question; where is your dojo located?"
Bobby Cairo: "The corner of Lexington and Columbia in Brooklyn, why?"
Gregory Anderson: "A little birdie told me that the FBI set up a headquarters across the street. Apparently they've been surveilling your movements for months."
Cairo shakes his head and sighs loudly.
Bobby Cairo: "Ugh... am I surprised, disappointed, disgusted? I guess two out of three ain't bad."
Gregory Anderson: "I hear ya, buddy. Listen, why don't we get started, shall we? Follow me right this way, gentlemen."
Nick Katsopolis: "Hey, Gregory, you guys don't have my sperm on file, do you?"
Bobby Cairo: "Ha! What sperm?"
Gregory leads Cairo and Nick inside the enormous, state of the art, underground RAND laboratory. This laboratory is larger than an airplane hangar and stocked with hundreds of computers, monitors and screens, various audio/video equipment, incubators, microscopes, vials, Bunsen burners all connected and networking to one central supercomputer. Once all three men are inside the lab, Gregory raises his arms and gestures toward the supercomputer, a proud beaming smile on his face.
Gregory Anderson: "Gentleman, welcome to the Manticore. This beast is the center of our operations. Every computer, every satellite, every electronics device anywhere in America and around the world is connected to this central database. This marvel of modern science is perpetually churning out various computations, documents, formulas and alliteration that shape and mold our very existence."
Nick acts all spaced out and overwhelmed by this revelation, but Cairo calmly hands the Ziploc bag containing the stockings to Gregory.
Bobby Cairo: "What can your marvel do with this?"
Gregory takes the bag in his hand and smiles.
Gregory Anderson: "I can make your dreams come true, my friend. It's all too easy!"
Gregory empties the bag's contents onto a countertop. Using a pair of tweezers, Gregory unfolds the stockings and places them under a microscope.
Gregory Anderson: "Right now I'm scanning for DNA that I can use to make a sample."
Nick Katsopolis: "Sorry to disturb you while you're working, Gregory, but are you the only one who works here? There's all the security upstairs but you're the only scientist in the central nervous system for all the world's computers?"
Gregory Anderson: "No, we have a staff of hundreds. The other guys are taking their break; they went out to the all-night sushi bar and booty lounge down the street. I'd be with them but I'm running a favor for a friend."
Gregory looks up at Cairo and smiles. Cairo flashes a thumb's up.
Gregory Anderson: "Ahh, perfect! I found a corkscrew; they make the best DNA samples!"
Cairo claps his hands in celebration.
Bobby Cairo: "Excellent! Now how exactly do you run the test?"
Gregory picks up the sample with the tweezers and places it into a vial.
Gregory Anderson: "It's all very simple. Follow me, gentleman!"
Gregory leads Cairo and Nick over to a machine that looks similar to a CT scan machine.
DNA scanning machine at RAND laboratory in Washington D.C.
Gregory Anderson: "All I have to do is place the DNA sample under the scanner. Then the scanner will send the DNA profile to the computer database, the computer will run a search and hopefully it will find a DNA match."
Gregory carefully places the DNA sample under the scanner, secures it into place, and types a code into the computer keyboard. The machine hums and lights flash as the scanner does its work.
Gregory Anderson: "It won't be long now, gentlemen."
Gregory studies the computer screen while the machine is scanning the sample.
Gregory Anderson: "Scanning... scanning... give me one minute... bingo we have a match!"
Cairo is alleviated and overjoyed, he exhales a huge sigh of relief and pats Gregory on the back.
Bobby Cairo: "Excellent work! You are the man and that machine is an incredible piece of technology! God, this is the first time I've been able to breathe in a month!"
Gregory Anderson: "Hey don't mention it, buddy. Cairo, are you ready for this? Your mystery woman's name is... Twila Deckers!"
Bobby Cairo: "Twila... Deckers... God, her name is even more beautiful than I imagined!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Deckers? You know something, that name sounds awfully familiar to me."
Gregory Anderson: "Yeah well Ronald Deckers is a well-known political fundraiser. To be honest I didn't know he had a daughter."
Bobby Cairo: "Well he does have a daughter and she is spectacular!"
Gregory Anderson: "You're not kidding, she has beauty and brains. Check this out, gentlemen. According to her file, Miss Deckers graduated from Harvard with honors and a degree in political science. She spent a semester abroad in Paris where she studied the French Revolution. She wrote her thesis on the parallels between the French and American Revolutions."
Nick Katsopolis: "Wow... not bad. We know that she's well read, let's just hope that she's not well... Red!"
Bobby Cairo: "Slap your face and wash your mouth out with soap, Nicholas Katsopolis! Don't you ever speak of my dear Twila in such disparaging tones again, am I making myself clear?"
Nick Katsopolis: "Yes, sir, crystal clear. So, Gregory, do you have a file on me?"
Gregory Anderson: "We have files for everyone and everything. We have to... for national security purposes."
Gregory winks and flashes a devious smile.
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you for your assistance, sir. The money has been wired to the Swiss account, here's the information on this business card that I'm slyly handing to you while shaking your hand so as to not arouse suspicion on these surveillance cameras."
Gregory Anderson: "Oh, don't worry about that. I replaced the feed to the surveillance cameras with video of last week's Cinco de Mayo celebration."
Nick Katsopolis: "Won't they be suspicious of why so many scientists are celebrating on an average night?"
Gregory Anderson: "Not really, it's always a party around here. This is the federal government, covert style baby!"
Bobby Cairo: "I can't thank you enough, Gregory. I would have paid any price to obtain this information."
Gregory Anderson: "Really? Dammit, I should have held out for more money!"
Cairo walks over and picks up the stockings from the countertop. Cairo holds them close to his body, almost as if embracing them.
Bobby Cairo: "Oh these stockings, these beautiful stockings that adorned Twila's beautiful legs and feet. These beautiful stockings have reunited me with my soul mate. My only regret is that Twila wasn't wearing them when she gave me that footjob, but now we will have ample opportunity to rectify that situation."
Gregory Anderson: "A footjob? I'm sorry what is that? I've never heard of that. Is it something new?"
Bobby Cairo: "Twila stroked my cock with her feet until I came."
Gregory Anderson: "Wow... I didn't even know that was possible."
Bobby Cairo: "It's more than possible, my friend... it's ecstasy!"
On that note Cairo thanks Gregory one more time for his help. Then Cairo and Nick make their way back to the elevator, where Cairo finishes his doob from earlier. The elevator stops at the ground floor and Cairo and Nick walk out to the parking lot. Cairo and Nick get into the Eldorado. Cairo starts the ignition, backs up the car and burns rubber through the parking lot. The guards quickly scramble to open the gate, so as to prevent Cairo from plowing right through it. By this point Nick's balls are in his throat, but Cairo is laughing like a madman as they hit the highway on their way back to Hartford.
Bobby Cairo: "Nicky, I think I'm in lust with this girl."
Nick Katsopolis: "Does that mean that you're over Maggie?"
Bobby Cairo: "No, no... I'll never be over her. I don't know how I'm going to watch the Dark Knight; it breaks my heart just to look at Maggie. Plus there's the whole Heath Ledger tragedy. Ugh, that's going to be a tough screening for me."
Nick Katsopolis: "What are you going to do? Are you going to call Twila?"
Bobby Cairo: "I can't rush into it, man. I have to approach this situation with calm, rational thought and the utmost sensitivity. There's one thing I do know; there won't be anymore sleepless nights for Bobby Cairo."
It was the highest of highs followed by the lowest of lows. Cairo's night of passion with the woman of his dreams turned into a nightmare when that woman walked out the door and out of Cairo's life without leaving behind so much as a name or a number. In the subsequent days and weeks, Cairo was unable to track the woman down, despite his best efforts including private detectives, LexisNexis, etc. The woman had seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth, without a trace. All that remained for Cairo from that special night were the memories and a pair of the woman's nylon stockings.
Cairo had mixed feelings about those stockings. He regarded them variously as a trophy, as a memento of the passion and enchantment transpired, but also as a noose. Those stockings were taunting Cairo. Without the stockings Cairo could have dismissed the entire night as a mere fling, but everytime he looked at the stockings, sniffed them, caressed them, Cairo was transported back into the throes of passion, the heat of that night. The stockings would not let Cairo forget, and in turn Cairo spent many nights tossing and turning in his bed, sleepless and hopeless. Then one sleepless night an idea hit Cairo like a steel chair across the head; those stockings that teased Cairo could also be the key to solving the mystery that haunted him.
To fully explain this some background information is necessary. By this point in time Cairo has come to be regarded as an enemy of the state by both politicians and government agents alike, due in large part to Cairo's outspoken opposition to many government positions and policies. Cairo's dissatisfaction with America's elected(?) leaders is what ultimately prompted Cairo to launch an independent campaign for president. Obviously many in government were not pleased with Cairo's decision. It surely undermines the influence and the very credibility of an administration when an influential and high profile business mogul criticizes that administration's policies and threatens to campaign in opposition to them. Make no mistake about it; Cairo's initial rise to mainstream prominence was due to his success as a professional wrestler. However Cairo took the initiative and seized upon the newfound fame and fortune that wrestling provided him by investing in many lucrative business ventures.
In doing so Cairo procured many influential business and media contacts, enabling him access to a world that only two types of people will ever see: The world's best and brightest, and the world's most evil and cutthroat. These two groups of people rarely hold much else in common aside from their wealth, ambition and influence; thus Cairo's outspoken dissent. As Richard Nixon had his enemies list in the 70's, so too does the Bush administration and its loyalists, scoundrels seeking to protect a way of life for those privileged and elite individuals that hold nothing sacred, save for the almighty dollar. Cairo too has developed a growing list of enemies, though not intentionally. Cairo was never looking to make himself a target of the federal government, but sometimes that's the price to pay for free speech.
Inevitably Cairo also developed friendships with government employees that were sympathetic to his agenda, infiltrators of the system, loyalists not to money, but to liberty and the Constitution. What precisely does any of this have to do with a pair of stockings? That's where Cairo's idea comes into the equation. Cairo has a friend who works for the RAND Corporation; a forensic scientist named Dr. Gregory Anderson who is capable doing some pretty remarkable things with DNA. For those unfamiliar, the RAND Corporation purports to be a nonprofit global policy think tank formed to offer research and analysis to the United States armed forces. In truth RAND is a covert military agency funded by the United States government (read: the American taxpayers), formed for the purpose of advancing the globalist agenda of one world government. There are RAND offices spread out all over the continental United States, with locations in five cities across the country.
RAND is headquartered in sunny Santa Monica, California of all places, but Cairo will be traveling to the RAND compound in Washington, D.C. (read: Arlington, Virginia) to meet his contact, Dr. Anderson. Cairo has decided to forgo the pomposity and conspicuous fanfare of a jet airplane flight, instead opting to drive from Hartford to D.C. in his vintage 1974 Cadillac Eldorado. Joining Cairo on the trip will be his loyal compatriot and best friend (read: manservant) Nick Katsopolis.
Cairo and Nick cruising down a rural interstate highway
Road trips are always more fun with a friend and this trip will be no exception. Fuck Sirius Satellite Radio, Cairo and Nick are jamming out to old school blues and rock and roll records on Cairo's state of the art car stereo system during their long ride down the east coast interstate highway. They even manage to score some hot pussy at a highway rest stop, though it hardly manages to cure Cairo's heartache and longing (read: emofag). After about an 16 or 18-hour drive, however long it takes to drive from Hartford to D.C., Cairo and Nick arrive in the nation's capitol, in the general vicinity of the RAND building. As soon as they pull into town, Cairo and Nick can feel a certain vibe in the air. There's an aura of fear, paranoia, secrecy, hushed tones... but is it real or just in their minds (read: folie à deux)? Regardless of feeling or folly Cairo's Eldorado soon pulls to a stop in front of the gates surrounding the RAND compound, a massive, sprawling facility located in the outskirts of town.
The gates of the RAND compound
The two armed guards stationed at the gate approach Cairo's vehicle and request identification from both occupants of the vehicle. Cairo rolls down the tinted driver's side window and holds up his hand as if to say, "None of this nonsense, not tonight." The guard immediately recognizes Cairo and promptly apologizes for any inconvenience, then angrily orders his partner to open the gate in an obvious attempt to cover his own ass, and waves Cairo through. Nick thinks all of this is pretty awesome. Once inside the facility, Cairo parks the Caddy in a spot reserved for "G.H.W. Bush" and places a cellphone call to his contact inside the building, Dr. Anderson. Cairo has been inside the RAND building before, but on this evening Cairo is inebriated following a long drive and he can barely remember his own name much less his previous visit(s?) to the facility.
Before exiting the vehicle, Cairo instructs Nick to follow his lead at all times. Should any shit go down, Cairo is packing heat. Cairo opens his jacket and flashes his piece to reassure Nick, not that Nick is nervous or anything because he's a pretty cool guy. After a quick stroll and some side stepping to avoid any puddles on a moist Spring evening, Cairo and Nick reach the outer perimeter (read: door) of the building. Once inside the RAND building Cairo lights up a blunt just to see how far he can push things. The security presence is heavy all throughout the grounds, but none of the guards seem to pay Cairo or Nick much attention. Cairo wasn't expecting much turmoil, but he certainly didn't expect his venture into a maximum-security government facility to be this easy.
The security staff may be accommodating, but reaching Cairo's contact still will not be easy. Cairo and Nick must first navigate a secret, underground labyrinth of hidden compartments, dark and dreary stairwells and a bunch of booby traps and stuff. Or they could just take the elevator, which is what they decide to do. They take the elevator down, all the way down past the basement(!). When the elevator reaches the bottom floor the elevator door opens revealing a white hallway, white floor and white walls all leading to a single, red, steel-fortified door about a hundred yards or so down the way. Nick looks at Cairo with a hint of uncertainty in his eyes, but Cairo flashes his piece again and nods his head reassuringly.
Cairo and Nick begin their walk toward the door, their footsteps echoing in the hallway. Once they reach the door Cairo extends his fist and knocks loudly on the door, making sure to use the secret knock (shave and a haircut, two bits). Within moments a sliding compartment on the door is opened revealing a peephole. "Who is it?" a man's distorted voice calls out from inside. "You know who I am, Gregory," Cairo replies, "Open up the door, your rent's due, motherfucker!" Gregory, as Cairo calls him, does open the door, revealing a diminutive, youthful-looking, African American male wearing a white lab coat and thick Buddy Holly glasses.
Cairo's friend and noted forensic scientist, Dr. Gregory Anderson
Cairo and Gregory embrace like homeboys and exchange a very secret and official handshake (up high, down low, reach around the bend, oops that's too far... ahem.)
Gregory Anderson: "Cairo, it's good to see you, you crazy sumbitch! How are you doing? How's the presidential campaign?"
Bobby Cairo: "It's going very well, Gregory, thank you for asking. We're polling ahead of the 3% margin of error in some states, Montana, New Hampshire, Alaska, etc. How's the wife and kids?"
Gregory Anderson: "Good, real good. Everybody's sane and alive. My wife still has a great ass, which I love. I love to tap that booty."
Bobby Cairo: "I hear ya, I definitely hear ya. In fact that's why I'm here tonight."
Gregory Anderson: "Right, right, you were telling me about this incredible woman that you had sex with at the governor's mansion up there in Connecticut, you said she looked like Scarlett Johansson? That's wild, man."
Bobby Cairo: "Absolutely, she had the lips and the boobs, the eyes, I mean..."
Cairo takes a deep breath and exhales.
Bobby Cairo: "This woman is fucking incredible and I must have her in my life. I want to be with her every moment of every day, but I have no idea where she is. That's why I need your help."
Cairo pulls a Ziploc baggy out of his pocket containing the woman's nylon stockings.
Gregory Anderson: "You haven't cum on these stockings have you? If your DNA gets mixed up with hers there's no guarantee that it will test properly."
Bobby Cairo: "I have jerked off repeatedly while sniffing them, but I have not cum on them. I didn't want them to get all crusty and nasty."
Gregory Anderson: "Good on you, bro, good on you. That will make the process much easier."
Nick Katsopolis: "What exactly are you guys going to do? Oh by the way my name's Nick. It's a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Anderson."
Nick extends his hand to Gregory and they shake hands.
Gregory Anderson: "It's a pleasure to meet you too, Nick. Please call me Gregory. What I'm going to do here is take a DNA sample from these stockings, for example hair, sweat, pussy juices and see if I can find a match with the DNA database that we have on file here."
Nick Katsopolis: "I don't understand, you're saying that you can use sweat from a pair of stockings to identify someone anywhere in America? That's crazy!"
Gregory chuckles.
Gregory Anderson: "Nick, let me clue you in to some reality. If you've ever handled a penny the government has your DNA on file. Why do you think we keep them in circulation?"
Nick Katsopolis: "How are you allowed to do this? This predates and reaches far beyond the scope of even the Patriot Act."
Gregory Anderson: "The origins of this program lie in FISA, the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978, which was a predecessor to the Patriot Act. Politicians became very concerned when Nixon became embroiled in controversy surrounding the Watergate scandal. Our elected leaders decided that they needed to find a loophole to give themselves absolute power. In essence they needed a loophole around the Constitution and after some deliberation they reached the following conclusion; they would be justified in suspending certain liberties if they could purport to be defending those liberties. They also concluded that they couldn't be prosecuted for violating federal surveillance laws if they suspended those laws under the guise of national security. One thing led to another after those first seeds of government intrusion were planted and now here we are 30 years later."
Bobby Cairo: "It's funny because when Hollywood reports on this shit with Oliver Stone and Michael Moore they never tell you the full story, just bits and pieces. You really have to go to the Alex Jones' of the world to get the hard shit, the full scope. Shit I've uncovered more truth on YouTube and MySpace than I ever got from the nightly news."
Gregory Anderson: "And that's just it, you hit the nail on the head, Cairo. Government isn't concerned about Alex Jones and his ilk because it's easy to discredit them as radicals and nutjobs. Let's be honest this shit seems too farfetched to be true, but yet here we are, am I right? That's also the reason why the government has been targeting you, Cairo. You're far too powerful and influential to be their enemy, you're the one kook that they cannot dismiss."
Nick Katsopolis: "Well I think all of this is an abomination and a blatant violation of civil liberties. What's next using GPS to track the movements of law-abiding American citizens?"
Cairo and Gregory exchange knowing glances and then turn away.
Gregory Anderson: "Uh no, no, we would never do anything like that. Definitely not, that would be an intrusion of your Constitutional rights!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Well it's good to know that even the government has its limits, at least some rights are still held sacred."
Gregory Anderson: "Right, right... hey Cairo, let me ask you a question; where is your dojo located?"
Bobby Cairo: "The corner of Lexington and Columbia in Brooklyn, why?"
Gregory Anderson: "A little birdie told me that the FBI set up a headquarters across the street. Apparently they've been surveilling your movements for months."
Cairo shakes his head and sighs loudly.
Bobby Cairo: "Ugh... am I surprised, disappointed, disgusted? I guess two out of three ain't bad."
Gregory Anderson: "I hear ya, buddy. Listen, why don't we get started, shall we? Follow me right this way, gentlemen."
Nick Katsopolis: "Hey, Gregory, you guys don't have my sperm on file, do you?"
Bobby Cairo: "Ha! What sperm?"
Gregory leads Cairo and Nick inside the enormous, state of the art, underground RAND laboratory. This laboratory is larger than an airplane hangar and stocked with hundreds of computers, monitors and screens, various audio/video equipment, incubators, microscopes, vials, Bunsen burners all connected and networking to one central supercomputer. Once all three men are inside the lab, Gregory raises his arms and gestures toward the supercomputer, a proud beaming smile on his face.
Gregory Anderson: "Gentleman, welcome to the Manticore. This beast is the center of our operations. Every computer, every satellite, every electronics device anywhere in America and around the world is connected to this central database. This marvel of modern science is perpetually churning out various computations, documents, formulas and alliteration that shape and mold our very existence."
Nick acts all spaced out and overwhelmed by this revelation, but Cairo calmly hands the Ziploc bag containing the stockings to Gregory.
Bobby Cairo: "What can your marvel do with this?"
Gregory takes the bag in his hand and smiles.
Gregory Anderson: "I can make your dreams come true, my friend. It's all too easy!"
Gregory empties the bag's contents onto a countertop. Using a pair of tweezers, Gregory unfolds the stockings and places them under a microscope.
Gregory Anderson: "Right now I'm scanning for DNA that I can use to make a sample."
Nick Katsopolis: "Sorry to disturb you while you're working, Gregory, but are you the only one who works here? There's all the security upstairs but you're the only scientist in the central nervous system for all the world's computers?"
Gregory Anderson: "No, we have a staff of hundreds. The other guys are taking their break; they went out to the all-night sushi bar and booty lounge down the street. I'd be with them but I'm running a favor for a friend."
Gregory looks up at Cairo and smiles. Cairo flashes a thumb's up.
Gregory Anderson: "Ahh, perfect! I found a corkscrew; they make the best DNA samples!"
Cairo claps his hands in celebration.
Bobby Cairo: "Excellent! Now how exactly do you run the test?"
Gregory picks up the sample with the tweezers and places it into a vial.
Gregory Anderson: "It's all very simple. Follow me, gentleman!"
Gregory leads Cairo and Nick over to a machine that looks similar to a CT scan machine.
DNA scanning machine at RAND laboratory in Washington D.C.
Gregory Anderson: "All I have to do is place the DNA sample under the scanner. Then the scanner will send the DNA profile to the computer database, the computer will run a search and hopefully it will find a DNA match."
Gregory carefully places the DNA sample under the scanner, secures it into place, and types a code into the computer keyboard. The machine hums and lights flash as the scanner does its work.
Gregory Anderson: "It won't be long now, gentlemen."
Gregory studies the computer screen while the machine is scanning the sample.
Gregory Anderson: "Scanning... scanning... give me one minute... bingo we have a match!"
Cairo is alleviated and overjoyed, he exhales a huge sigh of relief and pats Gregory on the back.
Bobby Cairo: "Excellent work! You are the man and that machine is an incredible piece of technology! God, this is the first time I've been able to breathe in a month!"
Gregory Anderson: "Hey don't mention it, buddy. Cairo, are you ready for this? Your mystery woman's name is... Twila Deckers!"
Bobby Cairo: "Twila... Deckers... God, her name is even more beautiful than I imagined!"
Nick Katsopolis: "Deckers? You know something, that name sounds awfully familiar to me."
Gregory Anderson: "Yeah well Ronald Deckers is a well-known political fundraiser. To be honest I didn't know he had a daughter."
Bobby Cairo: "Well he does have a daughter and she is spectacular!"
Gregory Anderson: "You're not kidding, she has beauty and brains. Check this out, gentlemen. According to her file, Miss Deckers graduated from Harvard with honors and a degree in political science. She spent a semester abroad in Paris where she studied the French Revolution. She wrote her thesis on the parallels between the French and American Revolutions."
Nick Katsopolis: "Wow... not bad. We know that she's well read, let's just hope that she's not well... Red!"
Bobby Cairo: "Slap your face and wash your mouth out with soap, Nicholas Katsopolis! Don't you ever speak of my dear Twila in such disparaging tones again, am I making myself clear?"
Nick Katsopolis: "Yes, sir, crystal clear. So, Gregory, do you have a file on me?"
Gregory Anderson: "We have files for everyone and everything. We have to... for national security purposes."
Gregory winks and flashes a devious smile.
Bobby Cairo: "Thank you for your assistance, sir. The money has been wired to the Swiss account, here's the information on this business card that I'm slyly handing to you while shaking your hand so as to not arouse suspicion on these surveillance cameras."
Gregory Anderson: "Oh, don't worry about that. I replaced the feed to the surveillance cameras with video of last week's Cinco de Mayo celebration."
Nick Katsopolis: "Won't they be suspicious of why so many scientists are celebrating on an average night?"
Gregory Anderson: "Not really, it's always a party around here. This is the federal government, covert style baby!"
Bobby Cairo: "I can't thank you enough, Gregory. I would have paid any price to obtain this information."
Gregory Anderson: "Really? Dammit, I should have held out for more money!"
Cairo walks over and picks up the stockings from the countertop. Cairo holds them close to his body, almost as if embracing them.
Bobby Cairo: "Oh these stockings, these beautiful stockings that adorned Twila's beautiful legs and feet. These beautiful stockings have reunited me with my soul mate. My only regret is that Twila wasn't wearing them when she gave me that footjob, but now we will have ample opportunity to rectify that situation."
Gregory Anderson: "A footjob? I'm sorry what is that? I've never heard of that. Is it something new?"
Bobby Cairo: "Twila stroked my cock with her feet until I came."
Gregory Anderson: "Wow... I didn't even know that was possible."
Bobby Cairo: "It's more than possible, my friend... it's ecstasy!"
On that note Cairo thanks Gregory one more time for his help. Then Cairo and Nick make their way back to the elevator, where Cairo finishes his doob from earlier. The elevator stops at the ground floor and Cairo and Nick walk out to the parking lot. Cairo and Nick get into the Eldorado. Cairo starts the ignition, backs up the car and burns rubber through the parking lot. The guards quickly scramble to open the gate, so as to prevent Cairo from plowing right through it. By this point Nick's balls are in his throat, but Cairo is laughing like a madman as they hit the highway on their way back to Hartford.
Bobby Cairo: "Nicky, I think I'm in lust with this girl."
Nick Katsopolis: "Does that mean that you're over Maggie?"
Bobby Cairo: "No, no... I'll never be over her. I don't know how I'm going to watch the Dark Knight; it breaks my heart just to look at Maggie. Plus there's the whole Heath Ledger tragedy. Ugh, that's going to be a tough screening for me."
Nick Katsopolis: "What are you going to do? Are you going to call Twila?"
Bobby Cairo: "I can't rush into it, man. I have to approach this situation with calm, rational thought and the utmost sensitivity. There's one thing I do know; there won't be anymore sleepless nights for Bobby Cairo."
