The Not So Black, Men In Black (Happy Helloween Mofo's)
Oct 30, 2016 16:13:53 GMT -5
Lilith, CJ Phoenix, and 1 more like this
Post by heresjohnny on Oct 30, 2016 16:13:53 GMT -5
Rather be a has been, then as a has not... or simply a non fuckin' factor...
This week I show you, The Evil Minion Nation why I came here. The goals were always simple and there were two goals I set upon signing with WCF. Goal number one was to whoop a massive amount of ass, and goal two was to take titles. At Helloween, I get to kill two birds with one stone.
This will be a bit different than my last two matches, because I don’t have a funky ass smelling Kid Krazzy in my corner to lose for me. If I wanted someone to lose for me, I would have hired James Ellsworth to my aid. With that said, even though I wasn’t pinned, unlike some people I know (CJ Phenoix) I will continue to count them as losses, because nothing about ya’ boy Johnny Evil is fraudulent.
The only thing I’m wondering is, who’s gonna come to the Halloween Party in costume? I sure as hell hope it’s not any of my opponents, because each of them are already fitted to perfection to be a fuckin’ halloween costume. I give you, Exhibit A…
Mr. Fuckin’ Alpha, CJ Banks!
The Not So Fresh prince of Bel Air. I continue to stress the fact that just because you call yourself Alpha, that means nothing to me, I have beaten plenty of people that call themselves alpha in many companies. I have also beaten the people that say they are the omega. Shit is just a flashy title to try and gain these viewers attention when it’s all said and done. I said it once and I’ll say it again. I don’t need to be gimmicked up. I don’t need to look like some uppity Carlton Banks wannabe. I mean hell, who in the fuck wants to look like Carlton Banks anyway? (This guy… obviously)
You live in a fairy tale, you know the one where Mario saves the queen from the ‘Evil’ King Koopa! In WCF you can’t just wave wands when a real threat comes your way and retain your title. Sure, you may be a defending champion, but you have never defended it against someone like me… I can assure of you of that!
At Helloween, I’m going to show you why fantasy can turn to a nightmare for some people. Keep telling yourself you’re alpha, and just know… for every beginning, there must be an end. When I take that championship and put it around my waist you’re gonna’ have the bitter taste of defeat lingering in your mouth. Make sure you take pride in holding onto that title while you still got it… Oh, and don’t forget to keep wearing those flashy suits and promoting yourself as the typical model for the common metro-sexual male… (AYYYYYEEEEE)
Look I don’t quite expect you to understand a person like me, but you will have a mighty tough fuckin’ pill to swallow after I walk out of Helloween, the new Alpha Champion… Like it or not.
Moving on, and oh god… do these people get any more fuckin’ clique...
Exhibit B:
Let me tell you something, boy. None of your fuckin’ opinions about Johnny Evil matter to me in the slightest bit of fuck! Did you ever think that nobody really cares about you, cochise? After all first you come into this business fully ripping off CJ Phoenix's style… except for you being the much more homosexual version of course. Now, it seems that wasn’t enough of you playing pretend mirror image of CJ, you actually want to try and take his title.
I mean, I’m quie surprised that you didn’t form a tag team with CJ Phoenix and call yourselves the ‘Not So Black, Men In Black’ I feel like everytime I step into the ring with the both of you I’m shopping for a tuxedo more and more. You call it flashy dressing, I call it insecurity. Cause let’s be honest, this is wrestling it’s not the fuckin’ Grammys.
Furthermore, this all would have been avoided if your retarded ass knew how to tell time. You tried to say Johnny Evil showed up an hour late to Slam? Bruh... (Johnny chuckles) My four month old daughter can tell time better than you. You thought wearing suits made you look intelligent, until you opened your fuckin’ mouth!
As for Kidd Krazzy… just keep eating that Moose Knuckle Jerky, brodie. I’m sure that’s probably the most exciting thing you’ll do all week. Not sayin’ that I don’t respect what you’re trying to do, but eating Moose Knuckle is probably just as bad as Jason O’ Neal chewing down on CJ Phoenix's old, used up jock strap!
Funny thing is, you put on more than you have ever put on in your entire life this match, but it still won’t be enough...
HERE COME THE NOT SO BLACK, MEN IN BLACK...
Agent CJ: We got an alien invasion in sector four, N!
Agent CJ walks out of the bath-room zipping the pants up from his suit as Agent N walks out behind him, wiping his bottom lip.
Agent N: Where exactly is sector four again, CJ?
Agent CJ: “Newark, New Jersey…” (CJ looks over in N’s direction and cringes as he presses the button on the wall to the elevator, using his finger to point at his lip, he addresses N on why he is cringing) “You missed a spot, right there. Here, let me help you with that.”
Agent N’s eyes flutter with butterflies at this point as he gets a bit weak in the knees…
Agent N: “Awwwww….. Bay…”
Agent CJ: “Keep it together, Agent N. I told you never call me bay at the workplace. That’s for fun time!”
As the elevator door pops open and the two enter the elevator, Agent N shrugs it off…
Agent N: “But, you know I’m not good at telling time!”
As the elevator door shuts behind them, Agent CJ looks at the substance on his finger after having wiped Agent N’s mouth. With a disgusted look on his face, he uses the pants to his suit to clean his finger by wiping it across the pant leg.
Agent CJ: “So, I take it you haven’t been reading the books I got you?” (CJ waves his one arm out in front of him in a curious motion) “Addition and Subtraction For Dummies? Just count on your fingers and toes when you’re unsure, that’s what I do!”
Agent CJ and Agent N arrive in Newark, New Jersey, parking outside an abandoned project building. Agent N looks over at Agent CJ and asks a question which has been eating away in the back of his mind for quite some time.
Agent N: “You know, I always wondered why you’re the only agent that’s allowed to have two letters in his name?”
Agent CJ smirks as he opens the door…
Agent CJ: “It’s because I am Alpha!” (Agent CJ gives a nod and holds his hand up as if to give the expression, ‘hold up a minute’) “Hold on, I’ll get the door for you.”
Again, Agent N’s heart fills with warmth…
Agent N: “Awwwww, bay”
As Agent CJ walks around the front of the car, he can’t help but shake his head in disbelief. He approaches Agent N’s door and opens it.
Agent CJ: “What did I tell you, N? We will have none of that at the workplace.”
As Agent N exits the car and closes the door behind him, he sniffs the city air…
Agent N: “Oh god, it smells horrible here.”
Agent CJ: “Of course it does, these aren’t uppity black folk like we are. Some of these people live on the streets and beg for change. It’s quite sad actually, because none of them even know what a Mocha Latte is!”
Agent N is disappointed by this statement and responds with a frown of sorrow.
Agent N: “That’s horrible, they’ve never experienced a Mocha Latte?”
Agent CJ: “Nope… sadly enough they haven’t…” (Agent CJ frowns and lets off a sigh of disbelief) “It’s sad, they will never even get to know the true feeling of a Metro-sexual lifestyle. Also, keep your eyes peeled, people snatch wallets in this area, Agent N!”
Agent N goes to grip at his pocket, but realises something very vital to this situation…
Agent N: “But CJ, you take all my money because I’m not good with counting, time management and all that basic stuff!”
Agent CJ: “Oh yea, that’s right. Good call…” (After thinking for a moment he pats Agent N on the back for a bit of comfort) “In that case, you watch my back for me.”
Both agents begin walking to the entrance of the condemned project building. As they approach, they notice a bum sitting up against the wall. He looks malnurished and in very bad shape. Instead of trying to walk past him, both agents cringe as if they bum they have come across has cooties.
After straightening out his suit and tie, Agent N clears his voice…
Agent N: “Excuse me, have you seen any illegal alien activity around here lately?”
The bum looks up and takes a sip of the half pint of cheap Brandy he has concealed in his coat.
Bum: “Yea, them Mexicans man…” (The bum shakes his head as if this is one of the reasons he feel on hard times) “They came over here, took my job, and left me unemployed?”
Agent N cuts him off…
Agent N: “That’s isn’t exactly what we’re talking about, my brother.”
Bum: “Brother” (The bum let’s out a small chuckle which turns into a weak laugh as he shakes his head) “What makes you a brother of mine? Are you even black, because you look albino!”
Agent N looks taken back by this comment, almost as if he is insulted.
Agent N: “I’m light skinned, there is a difference!”
Bum: “Yeah, tell yourself whatever helps you sleep at night...” (The bum chuckles again, as he takes another sip from the cheap bottle of Brandy) “You’re whiter than Donald Trump.”
Agent N tries to lunge at the bum, in which Agent CJ steps in and pulls Agent N back, almost making him trip over his own two feet.
Agent CJ: “Let it go, N… He will never know the true experience of a Mocha Latte, quite sad actually.” (Agent CJ clears his throat) “My partner here isn’t quite educated enough to know the difference between an illegal alien and an actual extraterrestrial. We are looking for any strange activities that may be going on… something unworldly!”
Giving off a shrug and taking his final slug of Brandy, the bum drops the empty bottle to the side of him.
Bum: “Well unless being approached by two of the whitest black men I have ever met dressed like they’re attending a ballroom dance, I would say that’s about the most unworldly thing I’ve seen in the past few weeks.”
Agent CJ grows an angry look across his face…
Agent CJ: “Do you know exactly how much these suits cost?”
Agent N: “Awww bay, I love it when you’re angr---”
CJ cuts N off enraged that the bum made a comment about their suits…
Agent CJ: “NOT NOW, N! This is serious!!”
At this point, it is now Agent N who tries to diffuse the situation.
Agent N: “Maybe we should just enter the building and find out exactly what is inside ourselves?”
Agent CJ smirks at the comment and straightens out his suit before giving the bum a stern look and stepping past him. Both men enter the abandoned project building which is dimly lit with the interior decaying due to neglect and vacancy over the years. Looking at the rotted debris and wallpaper across the floor, Agent CJ gives his less intelligent partner some kind words of advice.
Agent CJ: “Watch where you step, you don’t want to ruin those shoes…”
Giving a nod of agreement Agent N looks down at the floor as the both he and CJ make their way through the eerie, narrow, abandoned, project building hallway. After hanging a left, they notice a glow coming shinning through the cracks of a door at the end of this hallway, blinking in a set rhythm.
Agent N: “What in the hell is that?”
At this point Agent N trips over something and stumbles forward, putting his arms out in front of him, using his hands and elbows to break his fall…
Bum 2: “What da’ fuck, man? People are trying to sleep!”
In embarassment, N climbs to his feet quickly and brushes of his dirty suit. He extends his arm out and and waves in the bums direction who looks up from the floor with an angered look on his face.
Agent N: “Sorry, my brotha'… my bad?”
Bum 2: “You’re right, your bad.” (The bum rolls back onto his side and get’s comfortable trying to sleep once more all while mumbling the rest of his comment) “You need to take your uppity ass back to the Hollywood Hills, honkey!”
CJ smacks N in the back of the head in disbelief…
Agent CJ: “Dummy, I told you watch your step. We don’t need these to get on these people’s bad side.”
At this point, The Not So Black, Men In Black continue to walk down the hall to the door in question. CJ tries to peek through the crack, but sees nothing. He looks at Agent N and demands he go first with a nod of the head. At this point, Agent N complains…
Agent N: “Why should I go first?”
Agent CJ: “Because I am Alpha!”
Agent N: “Exactly the reason why you should go first, bae!”
Agent CJ: “We’ll go at the same time…”
CJ starts a three count with his fingers. As they reach three, CJ pushes the door open heavy handed as hell. He looks at Agent N who hadn’t even moved.
Agent CJ: “What the fuck, we said on three.”
Agent N: “I can’t count or tell time, remember?”
CJ tries to peek in, but the glow makes it impossible to see, at this point, both agents cross the threshold of the doorway and what happens next is something unimaginable…
The two men turn into cartoon plumbers and look at one another completely confused…
Agent N: “Dude, you’re a cartoon plumber in a red suit with a letter on his outfit.”
Agent CJ: “Dude, you’re a cartoon plumber too, but only you have a green suit with a letter on it, too.”
Agent N: “What’s my letter say?”
Agent CJ: “L!”
Agent N: “But I’m agent N…”
Agent CJ: “I know, what does mine say??”
Agent N: “M!”
Agent CJ: “There’s no way, are you sure you can even read letters?”
Agent N: “Dude it says, M!”
CJ shakes his head with an angered look stretched across his face...
Agent CJ: “What type of shit is this Alien Black Magic??”
CJ looks in front of him and sees a green pipe/tube. He things for a moment as it all starts coming back to him.
Agent CJ: “N, we must save the princess!”
Agent N: “But…”
Agent CJ grabs N by the collar and coninues talking as he pulls him toward the green pipe…
Agent CJ: “No time to talk about it now, N…” (CJ tosses Agent N though the opening in the pipe as a familiar sound hits his ears) “We have to save the princess from Koopa Krazzy!”
With this said, CJ follows suit, jumping through the hole in the green pipe himself…
CJ hits the ground hard, landing front side up on the back of Agent N. At this point N let’s out a moan of ecstasy and goes to speak, but before he can, CJ cuts him off…
Agent CJ: “I know, Awwwwww, bay…. Don’t say it!”
The two agents get up and brush their plumbers outfits off, straightening out their overalls… Why exactly, no one knows. I guess they want to be clean and sharp even as cartoon plumbers. Looking around, CJ feels at home. He notices the pipeline leading to the dungeon entrance of the castle.
Agent CJ: “We must go that way, King Koopa Krazzy and The Princess are beyond that tunnel!”
Agent CJ grabs N and begins rushing him through the tunnel, causing him to hit a face full of cobwebs as CJ ducks behind him while pushing him through. As they come through the tunnel and land on the dungeon floor, Agent N lands flat on his face all while trying to spit the face full of cobwebs from his mouth.
CJ hops up at this point again, with a smirk on his face.
Agent CJ: “So Koopa Krazzy, it’s about time we meet at last!”
CJ helps Agent N up and the two of them begin making their way up the stairs into the main hall to encounter the final battle that will hopefully save the rest of mankind from the evil grip of Koopa Krazzy and rescue the princess.
As they open the door, they are greeted by a very raggedy looking child in ripped clothing.
Agent CJ: “Who in the fuck are you?”
Koopa Krazzy: “I’m King Koopa Krazzy, bitches!! From rags to riches, I shall impregnate the princess and father a lot of bastard children that I throw out on the street, much like what happened to me when I was younger!”
CJ and N eye each other over for a minute, almost feeling insulted that this is what they have to contend with.
Agent N: “You couldn’t have at least showered before meeting your demise?”
Koopa Krazzy: “My Metrosexual plumbers, why would I shower. I’m Koopa ‘Krazzy’... two Z’s, by the way.”
Agent CJ clenches his hands and balls them up as fists. A look of rage grows upon his face as he is ready to fight and save the world before bedtime, kinda’ like the Powerpuff Girls.
Agent CJ: “Enough of this bullshit, where is the Princess!”
Koopa Krazzy: (Letting out an evil laugh) “All of your princesses are now belong to me!!”
N shrugs it off at this point with another disgusted look across his face.
Agent N: “That’s fine by me, I like men anyway.”
Agent CJ: “N, this is for all of mankind, to destroy the evil alien race that was brought here by Koopa Krazzy, fight… you must!!”
Butterflies flutter in Agent N’s eyes once more as a blush comes across his albino black face.
Agent N: “Awwww, anything for you bae!!”
Agent CJ: “N, shut the fuck up!! This is not time for boo-loving!”
As Agent CJ goes to lunge at Koopa Krazzy, he opens his mouth and shoots out a burp of bad breath stumbling agent CJ back enough to knock him off of his feet. CJ looks up and gags a bit, almost throwing up in his mouth.
Agent N: “Oh no, what are we going to do now, CJ?”
Agent CJ thinks for a minute as Koopa Krazzy laughs a wicked laugh feeling humiliated as if to say ‘if the fate of the human race rests with these two idiots, the whole human race is doomed’. After pondering for a moment, CJ reaches into his pocket. With no luck he looks at Agent N and shrugs.
Agent CJ: “Fucking plumber suits, at least in my actual suit I had Tic Tacs.” (CJ shrugs in confusion) “That could have worked…”
Letting out another laugh as a number of flies continue to circle laps around his head following the stench, Koopa Krazzy lets out another laugh.
Koopa Krazzy: “You were a fool to come here thinking you could actually win!”
As Koopa Krazzy starts stalking toward N, Agent CJ tries to pull himself to his feet, still affected by stink breath. N cowers back in fear.
Agent N: “CJ, bae…” (A tear drops from N’s eye at this point, rolling down his cheek) “I’m scared, what do I do.”
CJ lets out a grunt of pain as he pulls himself to his feet…
Agent CJ: “I dunno, do something”
At this point, a brilliant idea pops into Agent N’s head… or was it a not so brilliant idea.
N reaches back behind him and pulls from bum the memory erase pen which had come with his agency uniform…
Agent N: “I knew I stored this up there for a good reason, CJ!” (N presses the button opening the pen, causing CJ to gasp and lunge toward him) “Say goodbye to your memory, Koopa Krazzy!”
Agent CJ: “NOOOOOOOO!”
As a flash flickers around the room N drops the pen. All three men stand around at this point, dumbfounded and confused. Stupid ass Agent N forgot that without the agency issued glasses, he and CJ’s memory would be wiped also. It was a lose, lose situation for all three of these mofos on that day… Kinda’ like how it will be at Helloween.
Now Agent N and Agent CJ have no recollection of what they were even doing there in the first place, or who they even were or are for that matter. Koopa Krazzy could never give out the whereabouts of the Princess, because he didn’t even remember taking her.
Agent CJ: “Who are you, where am I?”
Agent N: “Who are you... who am I??”
They all look around like a bunch of oblivious dumbasses.
Koopa Krazzy: “Hi, my name is… well, I don’t quite know what my name is…” (Koopa Krazzy begins to drool on himself due to his brain capacity already being low prior to the memory wipe) “Wanna’ be friends and play? I don't remember anything, but I don't have many friends... at least I don't think I do?”
All three men contine to look around with a stupified expression etched across each of their faces…
Meanwhile, the true hero, Johnny Evil comes barging out through the door, carrying the damsel in distress, the princess in question heroically in both arms. He looks at all three men who look confused and blurt out a statement at the same time…
All: “Who am I?”
Johnny smirks as he makes his way to the door of the castle before replying…
Evil: “Exactly!”
This week I show you, The Evil Minion Nation why I came here. The goals were always simple and there were two goals I set upon signing with WCF. Goal number one was to whoop a massive amount of ass, and goal two was to take titles. At Helloween, I get to kill two birds with one stone.
This will be a bit different than my last two matches, because I don’t have a funky ass smelling Kid Krazzy in my corner to lose for me. If I wanted someone to lose for me, I would have hired James Ellsworth to my aid. With that said, even though I wasn’t pinned, unlike some people I know (CJ Phenoix) I will continue to count them as losses, because nothing about ya’ boy Johnny Evil is fraudulent.
The only thing I’m wondering is, who’s gonna come to the Halloween Party in costume? I sure as hell hope it’s not any of my opponents, because each of them are already fitted to perfection to be a fuckin’ halloween costume. I give you, Exhibit A…
Mr. Fuckin’ Alpha, CJ Banks!
The Not So Fresh prince of Bel Air. I continue to stress the fact that just because you call yourself Alpha, that means nothing to me, I have beaten plenty of people that call themselves alpha in many companies. I have also beaten the people that say they are the omega. Shit is just a flashy title to try and gain these viewers attention when it’s all said and done. I said it once and I’ll say it again. I don’t need to be gimmicked up. I don’t need to look like some uppity Carlton Banks wannabe. I mean hell, who in the fuck wants to look like Carlton Banks anyway? (This guy… obviously)
You live in a fairy tale, you know the one where Mario saves the queen from the ‘Evil’ King Koopa! In WCF you can’t just wave wands when a real threat comes your way and retain your title. Sure, you may be a defending champion, but you have never defended it against someone like me… I can assure of you of that!
At Helloween, I’m going to show you why fantasy can turn to a nightmare for some people. Keep telling yourself you’re alpha, and just know… for every beginning, there must be an end. When I take that championship and put it around my waist you’re gonna’ have the bitter taste of defeat lingering in your mouth. Make sure you take pride in holding onto that title while you still got it… Oh, and don’t forget to keep wearing those flashy suits and promoting yourself as the typical model for the common metro-sexual male… (AYYYYYEEEEE)
Look I don’t quite expect you to understand a person like me, but you will have a mighty tough fuckin’ pill to swallow after I walk out of Helloween, the new Alpha Champion… Like it or not.
Moving on, and oh god… do these people get any more fuckin’ clique...
Exhibit B:
Let me tell you something, boy. None of your fuckin’ opinions about Johnny Evil matter to me in the slightest bit of fuck! Did you ever think that nobody really cares about you, cochise? After all first you come into this business fully ripping off CJ Phoenix's style… except for you being the much more homosexual version of course. Now, it seems that wasn’t enough of you playing pretend mirror image of CJ, you actually want to try and take his title.
I mean, I’m quie surprised that you didn’t form a tag team with CJ Phoenix and call yourselves the ‘Not So Black, Men In Black’ I feel like everytime I step into the ring with the both of you I’m shopping for a tuxedo more and more. You call it flashy dressing, I call it insecurity. Cause let’s be honest, this is wrestling it’s not the fuckin’ Grammys.
Furthermore, this all would have been avoided if your retarded ass knew how to tell time. You tried to say Johnny Evil showed up an hour late to Slam? Bruh... (Johnny chuckles) My four month old daughter can tell time better than you. You thought wearing suits made you look intelligent, until you opened your fuckin’ mouth!
As for Kidd Krazzy… just keep eating that Moose Knuckle Jerky, brodie. I’m sure that’s probably the most exciting thing you’ll do all week. Not sayin’ that I don’t respect what you’re trying to do, but eating Moose Knuckle is probably just as bad as Jason O’ Neal chewing down on CJ Phoenix's old, used up jock strap!
Funny thing is, you put on more than you have ever put on in your entire life this match, but it still won’t be enough...
HERE COME THE NOT SO BLACK, MEN IN BLACK...
Agent CJ: We got an alien invasion in sector four, N!
Agent CJ walks out of the bath-room zipping the pants up from his suit as Agent N walks out behind him, wiping his bottom lip.
Agent N: Where exactly is sector four again, CJ?
Agent CJ: “Newark, New Jersey…” (CJ looks over in N’s direction and cringes as he presses the button on the wall to the elevator, using his finger to point at his lip, he addresses N on why he is cringing) “You missed a spot, right there. Here, let me help you with that.”
Agent N’s eyes flutter with butterflies at this point as he gets a bit weak in the knees…
Agent N: “Awwwww….. Bay…”
Agent CJ: “Keep it together, Agent N. I told you never call me bay at the workplace. That’s for fun time!”
As the elevator door pops open and the two enter the elevator, Agent N shrugs it off…
Agent N: “But, you know I’m not good at telling time!”
As the elevator door shuts behind them, Agent CJ looks at the substance on his finger after having wiped Agent N’s mouth. With a disgusted look on his face, he uses the pants to his suit to clean his finger by wiping it across the pant leg.
Agent CJ: “So, I take it you haven’t been reading the books I got you?” (CJ waves his one arm out in front of him in a curious motion) “Addition and Subtraction For Dummies? Just count on your fingers and toes when you’re unsure, that’s what I do!”
5 HOURS LATER…
Agent CJ and Agent N arrive in Newark, New Jersey, parking outside an abandoned project building. Agent N looks over at Agent CJ and asks a question which has been eating away in the back of his mind for quite some time.
Agent N: “You know, I always wondered why you’re the only agent that’s allowed to have two letters in his name?”
Agent CJ smirks as he opens the door…
Agent CJ: “It’s because I am Alpha!” (Agent CJ gives a nod and holds his hand up as if to give the expression, ‘hold up a minute’) “Hold on, I’ll get the door for you.”
Again, Agent N’s heart fills with warmth…
Agent N: “Awwwww, bay”
As Agent CJ walks around the front of the car, he can’t help but shake his head in disbelief. He approaches Agent N’s door and opens it.
Agent CJ: “What did I tell you, N? We will have none of that at the workplace.”
As Agent N exits the car and closes the door behind him, he sniffs the city air…
Agent N: “Oh god, it smells horrible here.”
Agent CJ: “Of course it does, these aren’t uppity black folk like we are. Some of these people live on the streets and beg for change. It’s quite sad actually, because none of them even know what a Mocha Latte is!”
Agent N is disappointed by this statement and responds with a frown of sorrow.
Agent N: “That’s horrible, they’ve never experienced a Mocha Latte?”
Agent CJ: “Nope… sadly enough they haven’t…” (Agent CJ frowns and lets off a sigh of disbelief) “It’s sad, they will never even get to know the true feeling of a Metro-sexual lifestyle. Also, keep your eyes peeled, people snatch wallets in this area, Agent N!”
Agent N goes to grip at his pocket, but realises something very vital to this situation…
Agent N: “But CJ, you take all my money because I’m not good with counting, time management and all that basic stuff!”
Agent CJ: “Oh yea, that’s right. Good call…” (After thinking for a moment he pats Agent N on the back for a bit of comfort) “In that case, you watch my back for me.”
Both agents begin walking to the entrance of the condemned project building. As they approach, they notice a bum sitting up against the wall. He looks malnurished and in very bad shape. Instead of trying to walk past him, both agents cringe as if they bum they have come across has cooties.
After straightening out his suit and tie, Agent N clears his voice…
Agent N: “Excuse me, have you seen any illegal alien activity around here lately?”
The bum looks up and takes a sip of the half pint of cheap Brandy he has concealed in his coat.
Bum: “Yea, them Mexicans man…” (The bum shakes his head as if this is one of the reasons he feel on hard times) “They came over here, took my job, and left me unemployed?”
Agent N cuts him off…
Agent N: “That’s isn’t exactly what we’re talking about, my brother.”
Bum: “Brother” (The bum let’s out a small chuckle which turns into a weak laugh as he shakes his head) “What makes you a brother of mine? Are you even black, because you look albino!”
Agent N looks taken back by this comment, almost as if he is insulted.
Agent N: “I’m light skinned, there is a difference!”
Bum: “Yeah, tell yourself whatever helps you sleep at night...” (The bum chuckles again, as he takes another sip from the cheap bottle of Brandy) “You’re whiter than Donald Trump.”
Agent N tries to lunge at the bum, in which Agent CJ steps in and pulls Agent N back, almost making him trip over his own two feet.
Agent CJ: “Let it go, N… He will never know the true experience of a Mocha Latte, quite sad actually.” (Agent CJ clears his throat) “My partner here isn’t quite educated enough to know the difference between an illegal alien and an actual extraterrestrial. We are looking for any strange activities that may be going on… something unworldly!”
Giving off a shrug and taking his final slug of Brandy, the bum drops the empty bottle to the side of him.
Bum: “Well unless being approached by two of the whitest black men I have ever met dressed like they’re attending a ballroom dance, I would say that’s about the most unworldly thing I’ve seen in the past few weeks.”
Agent CJ grows an angry look across his face…
Agent CJ: “Do you know exactly how much these suits cost?”
Agent N: “Awww bay, I love it when you’re angr---”
CJ cuts N off enraged that the bum made a comment about their suits…
Agent CJ: “NOT NOW, N! This is serious!!”
At this point, it is now Agent N who tries to diffuse the situation.
Agent N: “Maybe we should just enter the building and find out exactly what is inside ourselves?”
Agent CJ smirks at the comment and straightens out his suit before giving the bum a stern look and stepping past him. Both men enter the abandoned project building which is dimly lit with the interior decaying due to neglect and vacancy over the years. Looking at the rotted debris and wallpaper across the floor, Agent CJ gives his less intelligent partner some kind words of advice.
Agent CJ: “Watch where you step, you don’t want to ruin those shoes…”
Giving a nod of agreement Agent N looks down at the floor as the both he and CJ make their way through the eerie, narrow, abandoned, project building hallway. After hanging a left, they notice a glow coming shinning through the cracks of a door at the end of this hallway, blinking in a set rhythm.
Agent N: “What in the hell is that?”
At this point Agent N trips over something and stumbles forward, putting his arms out in front of him, using his hands and elbows to break his fall…
Bum 2: “What da’ fuck, man? People are trying to sleep!”
In embarassment, N climbs to his feet quickly and brushes of his dirty suit. He extends his arm out and and waves in the bums direction who looks up from the floor with an angered look on his face.
Agent N: “Sorry, my brotha'… my bad?”
Bum 2: “You’re right, your bad.” (The bum rolls back onto his side and get’s comfortable trying to sleep once more all while mumbling the rest of his comment) “You need to take your uppity ass back to the Hollywood Hills, honkey!”
CJ smacks N in the back of the head in disbelief…
Agent CJ: “Dummy, I told you watch your step. We don’t need these to get on these people’s bad side.”
At this point, The Not So Black, Men In Black continue to walk down the hall to the door in question. CJ tries to peek through the crack, but sees nothing. He looks at Agent N and demands he go first with a nod of the head. At this point, Agent N complains…
Agent N: “Why should I go first?”
Agent CJ: “Because I am Alpha!”
Agent N: “Exactly the reason why you should go first, bae!”
Agent CJ: “We’ll go at the same time…”
CJ starts a three count with his fingers. As they reach three, CJ pushes the door open heavy handed as hell. He looks at Agent N who hadn’t even moved.
Agent CJ: “What the fuck, we said on three.”
Agent N: “I can’t count or tell time, remember?”
CJ tries to peek in, but the glow makes it impossible to see, at this point, both agents cross the threshold of the doorway and what happens next is something unimaginable…
The two men turn into cartoon plumbers and look at one another completely confused…
Agent N: “Dude, you’re a cartoon plumber in a red suit with a letter on his outfit.”
Agent CJ: “Dude, you’re a cartoon plumber too, but only you have a green suit with a letter on it, too.”
Agent N: “What’s my letter say?”
Agent CJ: “L!”
Agent N: “But I’m agent N…”
Agent CJ: “I know, what does mine say??”
Agent N: “M!”
Agent CJ: “There’s no way, are you sure you can even read letters?”
Agent N: “Dude it says, M!”
CJ shakes his head with an angered look stretched across his face...
Agent CJ: “What type of shit is this Alien Black Magic??”
CJ looks in front of him and sees a green pipe/tube. He things for a moment as it all starts coming back to him.
Agent CJ: “N, we must save the princess!”
Agent N: “But…”
Agent CJ grabs N by the collar and coninues talking as he pulls him toward the green pipe…
Agent CJ: “No time to talk about it now, N…” (CJ tosses Agent N though the opening in the pipe as a familiar sound hits his ears) “We have to save the princess from Koopa Krazzy!”
With this said, CJ follows suit, jumping through the hole in the green pipe himself…
CJ hits the ground hard, landing front side up on the back of Agent N. At this point N let’s out a moan of ecstasy and goes to speak, but before he can, CJ cuts him off…
Agent CJ: “I know, Awwwwww, bay…. Don’t say it!”
The two agents get up and brush their plumbers outfits off, straightening out their overalls… Why exactly, no one knows. I guess they want to be clean and sharp even as cartoon plumbers. Looking around, CJ feels at home. He notices the pipeline leading to the dungeon entrance of the castle.
Agent CJ: “We must go that way, King Koopa Krazzy and The Princess are beyond that tunnel!”
Agent CJ grabs N and begins rushing him through the tunnel, causing him to hit a face full of cobwebs as CJ ducks behind him while pushing him through. As they come through the tunnel and land on the dungeon floor, Agent N lands flat on his face all while trying to spit the face full of cobwebs from his mouth.
CJ hops up at this point again, with a smirk on his face.
Agent CJ: “So Koopa Krazzy, it’s about time we meet at last!”
CJ helps Agent N up and the two of them begin making their way up the stairs into the main hall to encounter the final battle that will hopefully save the rest of mankind from the evil grip of Koopa Krazzy and rescue the princess.
As they open the door, they are greeted by a very raggedy looking child in ripped clothing.
Agent CJ: “Who in the fuck are you?”
Koopa Krazzy: “I’m King Koopa Krazzy, bitches!! From rags to riches, I shall impregnate the princess and father a lot of bastard children that I throw out on the street, much like what happened to me when I was younger!”
CJ and N eye each other over for a minute, almost feeling insulted that this is what they have to contend with.
Agent N: “You couldn’t have at least showered before meeting your demise?”
Koopa Krazzy: “My Metrosexual plumbers, why would I shower. I’m Koopa ‘Krazzy’... two Z’s, by the way.”
Agent CJ clenches his hands and balls them up as fists. A look of rage grows upon his face as he is ready to fight and save the world before bedtime, kinda’ like the Powerpuff Girls.
Agent CJ: “Enough of this bullshit, where is the Princess!”
Koopa Krazzy: (Letting out an evil laugh) “All of your princesses are now belong to me!!”
N shrugs it off at this point with another disgusted look across his face.
Agent N: “That’s fine by me, I like men anyway.”
Agent CJ: “N, this is for all of mankind, to destroy the evil alien race that was brought here by Koopa Krazzy, fight… you must!!”
Butterflies flutter in Agent N’s eyes once more as a blush comes across his albino black face.
Agent N: “Awwww, anything for you bae!!”
Agent CJ: “N, shut the fuck up!! This is not time for boo-loving!”
As Agent CJ goes to lunge at Koopa Krazzy, he opens his mouth and shoots out a burp of bad breath stumbling agent CJ back enough to knock him off of his feet. CJ looks up and gags a bit, almost throwing up in his mouth.
Agent N: “Oh no, what are we going to do now, CJ?”
Agent CJ thinks for a minute as Koopa Krazzy laughs a wicked laugh feeling humiliated as if to say ‘if the fate of the human race rests with these two idiots, the whole human race is doomed’. After pondering for a moment, CJ reaches into his pocket. With no luck he looks at Agent N and shrugs.
Agent CJ: “Fucking plumber suits, at least in my actual suit I had Tic Tacs.” (CJ shrugs in confusion) “That could have worked…”
Letting out another laugh as a number of flies continue to circle laps around his head following the stench, Koopa Krazzy lets out another laugh.
Koopa Krazzy: “You were a fool to come here thinking you could actually win!”
As Koopa Krazzy starts stalking toward N, Agent CJ tries to pull himself to his feet, still affected by stink breath. N cowers back in fear.
Agent N: “CJ, bae…” (A tear drops from N’s eye at this point, rolling down his cheek) “I’m scared, what do I do.”
CJ lets out a grunt of pain as he pulls himself to his feet…
Agent CJ: “I dunno, do something”
At this point, a brilliant idea pops into Agent N’s head… or was it a not so brilliant idea.
N reaches back behind him and pulls from bum the memory erase pen which had come with his agency uniform…
Agent N: “I knew I stored this up there for a good reason, CJ!” (N presses the button opening the pen, causing CJ to gasp and lunge toward him) “Say goodbye to your memory, Koopa Krazzy!”
Agent CJ: “NOOOOOOOO!”
As a flash flickers around the room N drops the pen. All three men stand around at this point, dumbfounded and confused. Stupid ass Agent N forgot that without the agency issued glasses, he and CJ’s memory would be wiped also. It was a lose, lose situation for all three of these mofos on that day… Kinda’ like how it will be at Helloween.
Now Agent N and Agent CJ have no recollection of what they were even doing there in the first place, or who they even were or are for that matter. Koopa Krazzy could never give out the whereabouts of the Princess, because he didn’t even remember taking her.
Agent CJ: “Who are you, where am I?”
Agent N: “Who are you... who am I??”
They all look around like a bunch of oblivious dumbasses.
Koopa Krazzy: “Hi, my name is… well, I don’t quite know what my name is…” (Koopa Krazzy begins to drool on himself due to his brain capacity already being low prior to the memory wipe) “Wanna’ be friends and play? I don't remember anything, but I don't have many friends... at least I don't think I do?”
All three men contine to look around with a stupified expression etched across each of their faces…
Meanwhile, the true hero, Johnny Evil comes barging out through the door, carrying the damsel in distress, the princess in question heroically in both arms. He looks at all three men who look confused and blurt out a statement at the same time…
All: “Who am I?”
Johnny smirks as he makes his way to the door of the castle before replying…
Evil: “Exactly!”
