Post by Teo Blaze on Oct 30, 2016 10:52:51 GMT -5
We are initially greeted by a black screen, no sound greeting the viewer, although a small WCF logo adorns the lower right corner of the screen. For a scant few moments, the silence is all the viewer is given, but after a few moments, a familiar sound breaks through the silence.
*RING RING*
A tired groan.
*RING RING*
The sound of clattering plastic, then more silence, followed by an extremely haggard sounding voice.
: If this isn’t a naked celebrity calling to tell me that I’ve won the lottery, someone is going to wake up on the grill of a bus tomorrow, it’s 3am in the morn-
Seth Lerch: Is that anyway to talk to your boss, Blaze?
Teddy Blaze: What the…Seth..? Please tell me you’re not naked.
Seth Lerch: Hilarious as always, Teo.
A tinge of sarcasm is clearly apparent in Seth’s tone.
Seth Lerch: Listen, I need a favor. Well, not so much a favor as a thing you will do or else be fired, but I like you to have the illusion of choice.
Teddy Blaze: Look, if you need your lawn mowed can’t you just have Joey Flash do it like last time? I assume that’s how he got you to resign him.
Seth Lerch: See, now that’s not the tone I would expect from someone who is being gifted a potential title shot.
Teddy Blaze: In fact I…I’m listening.
Seth Lerch: That’s better. Now shut up and listen…as has become something of a fucking problem around here, one of our champions got in over his head and now our doctors aren’t letting him compete. Rather than cancel one of my biggest title matches, I have decided to get…creative.
Teddy Blaze: You’re making five new belts and giving one to each challenger?
Seth Lerch: No, but keep up the jokes and we’ll be adding an internet title battle royal to the card.
You see, in order to ensure the survival of the division, we have decided that the champion will be placed on the shelf, and we’ll be crowning an…interim champion in the meantime.
Teddy Blaze: I still don’t see how I fit into this.
Seth Lerch: Well, you see Blaze, almost all of our heroes are tied up fighting for team WCF.
Teddy Blaze: I still don’t see why they get to call it that.
Seth Lerch: And as it stands, our current tag team champion, Captain WCF, has asked me to specifically approach you, given that you are one of the most heroic faces on the roster.
Teddy Blaze: Heroic..? Seth, do you just turn the television off whenever I’m on screen?
Seth Lerch: I assumed most people did.
Teddy Blaze: You’re playing with fire, Lerch.
Seth Lerch: The overall point being, he wants to partner with Teo del Sol, and so I figured I would give you a call.
Teddy Blaze: Look, Seth, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the program the past couple months, but I don’t exactly think that-
Seth Lerch: And as a result, you’d be given a shot at the tag team championship.
Teddy Blaze: -Would even consider…the what?
Seth Lerch: The Tag Team Championship.
Teddy Blaze: …Don’t play with me here. The tag team championship, the Vapor Kings, The Thickness, the Joey Flash and Jonny Fly tag team championship.
Seth Lerch: The one and the same.
Teddy Blaze: …so you’re telling me that if I…If Teo del Sol were to accept Captain WCF’s offer, that you will give me, er, us the chance to capture the tag team championship?
Seth Lerch: That’s about the size of it.
Teddy Blaze: …and if I were to say that Teo del Sol isn’t really available?
Seth Lerch: Well then I guess the championship match would go to someone else. I mean if you’re not interested in fighting for the tag team championship…
Teddy Blaze: I’ve wanted to fight for that belt for months! That belt has been one of the most mistreated and abused titles since Vic Venable and Spencer Adams…
Look, that championship has a legacy, and we haven’t had a serious team hold it in months. It has been on its deathbed since Showdown, when it was treated as a prize for the worst losers. That belt needs-
Seth Lerch: I take it then that it’s a yes.
Teddy Blaze: I…
Look. I can’t promise you anything long term, but…
Just…
No mask, okay?
Seth Lerch: You sound like my last ex.
The click of a phone hanging up can be heard as the scene slowly fades into view on an extremely cheap motel room. Cracks in the drywall lead up to a ten-inch CRT television that has been strapped down to prevent theft, and a ratty recliner, more like a lawnchair really, has been set up in the corner. The decades old telephone sits on a yellowed plastic nightstand next to a discolored mattress with a dirty comforter layed over it, a comforter which shifts as an extremely tired face slowly emerges, reaching to the table to retrieve a pair of round red glasses.
The now familiar face of Teddy Blaze slowly arises from the bed, wearing a pair of blue jeans and little else, and walks over to a dirty mirror. He turns his head slowly to one side, producing an audible crack, then opens his mouth, checking to make sure that his teeth are all still in place. Finally satisfied, he turns towards the bathroom, talking to himself as he walks into the dingy linoleum-covered room.
Teddy Blaze: What the hell did I just agree to? Like I’m supposed to just pretend that I’m Teo del Sol again, to just suddenly take it all back?
As he speaks, the camera pans to the mirror, making it appear as though he’s answering his own question.
Teddy Blaze: Well, you’d get a heck of an opportunity out of it, wouldn’t you?
The camera then pans back to the Teddy Blaze outside of the mirror, back and forth instantly with each exchange.
Teddy Blaze: You think I’m without any sense of honor? Of Dignity? That I’m just going to give up on everything because they dangle something shiny in front of you?
Teddy Blaze: You’re overthinking it. Captain WCF wants to partner with Teo del Sol, so why not give him what he wants? You can go back to yourself after the match is over.
Teddy Blaze: So what, give him what he wants to get a title shot and then pull the hood off? It was me, Captain, it was me all along?!
Teddy Blaze: Okay, have it your way, you can keep your character intact. Then someone else will get the tag title shot and probably lose it to Doc Henry and Oblivion.
Teddy Blaze: Please, Seth didn’t say he was planning on hiring any 80-year olds. Or in Doc’s case, any MORE.
Teddy Blaze: But the fact remains that you have a choice in front of you. Let Captain WCF think he’s with Teo del Sol until you have those belts, then let him know the truth, or…
Teddy Blaze: Or I don’t betray everything I’ve worked for these past few months, gee, what a decision.
Teddy Blaze: You’re right, that is the most important thing.
Teddy Blaze: Then why am I even having this conversation?
Teddy Blaze: I think you know why.
Teddy Blaze: I really don’t
Teddy Blaze: You’re really going to make me say it?
Teddy Blaze: I’d rather just take a shower and go have a steak and egg sandwich.
Teddy Blaze: And yet you sit here talking.
Teddy Blaze: Because I’m thinking about it, alright?!
Teddy Blaze: Was that so hard?
Teddy Blaze: Because you know and I know that the moment that we take our eyes off the ball, that Pantheon…
Teddy Blaze: Don’t say it, I know the rest.
Teddy Blaze: I don’t know who I can trust anymore. Spencer Adams, Vic Venable, they fought so hard to keep those belts out of the hands of Beach Krew, put on a 5-star classic at One. If I just say no, just let those belts go onto the waists of a couple of veterans or unproven rookies, who knows what could happen to them?
Teddy Blaze: You know. And it’s not pretty.
Teddy Blaze: Spencer and I…we left on bad terms. But that belt meant everything to him. Maybe if…maybe I could set things right.
Teddy Blaze: But that means going back, right?
Teddy Blaze: It means being a hypocrite, it means going from Teddy Blaze to Teo del Sol. And I told everyone that that chapter was done, the book was closed. To go back now…
Teddy Blaze: …would mean that all of this was for no reason. That I gave up everything I had, put everything on the line, just to end up back where I started.
At this point, the camera pans slowly around, showing that Blaze has indeed been talking to himself the entire time.
Teddy Blaze: Maybe…maybe I could just try it. I could be Teo del Sol for Helloween. No mask, not yet. But…but maybe…
It is at this instant the phone begins ringing again. Teddy Blaze shakes his head slowly and walks towards the receiver, staring at it as each ring slowly echoes throughout the hotel room.
The scene now changes to a rather unusual location. A rather benign looking bar, or possibly low-end restaurant, greets the viewer. Scattered around the numerous tables are index cards, each with a large number written on them with sharpee, and at each table sits a man.
However, what kind of man runs a very strange gamut indeed. Some are overweight, while others are far from the traditional definition of attractive. One appears to be holding a slightly bloodied machete, but the camera quickly zips past his table, focusing also on a large sign on the bar’s wall.
Finally though, the camera settles on a table near the end of the line, where a rather attractive (if slightly scarred) young man sits, his eyes covered by bright red glasses.
Teddy Blaze: Why hello there, didn’t expect to see you here! I’m here because WCF has told me that they need someone for this Helloween’s tag team title match, and I can think of no better place to scout out potential partners.
Blaze slams his fist against the bright silver bell on the tabletop, and is greeted by an extremely attractive blonde bombshell who slinks in a sultry manner into the seat.
Teddy Blaze: Hello beautiful! Say, how do you feel about three ways?
The words have barely left Blaze’s mouth before a hand (with painted fingernails) tattoos a slap directly across his face, and the sound of angry high heels is heard as Blaze shrugs his shoulders at the camera.
Teddy Blaze: You see? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask before you find the perfect partner. Now, you may be wondering why I am here instead of asking around the locker room, or maybe a gym. The answer my friends is both simple and incredibly complex! You see…I am here because after seeing the opponents I would be up against this Sunday, I realized that I could take a baby into the ring with me and walk away as the new! Tag team Champion.
I mean come on, are we really taking ourselves seriously with these challengers? Oblivion and Doc Henry. What, was BioHazard busy? We defrost these two jobbers from the WCF legends cryo-chamber and put them in line for a tag title shot? What’s next, are we going to see Eric Price come back?
Why are you looking at me like that, cameraman?
Ding!
Teddy Blaze: Hello nurse! You seem like you could handle four men!
Another painted slap goes across Blaze’s face, and he shakes his head confusedly.
Teddy Blaze: Don’t get me wrong, I liked Doc Henry back in the day when he was relevant. I remember it well, we would huddle around the fire in the back of the cave and hide from mammoths, praying to the sun in order to ensure a bountiful harvest of mud. Then, we would see a cave painting, with a big cowboy hat and stupid moustache, with the tag title belt over his shoulder, and we would know that Doc Henry was in town.
The last time Doc Henry held the tag team championship was 2012, and let me tell you, I honestly took it as a sign that the world was about to end. This Kentucky fried goofball has been so darn proud of himself for his tag title reigns throughout time immemorial, and yet he has yet to do a damned thing to justify his current contract. Doc has been parading himself about as some kind of “Tag Team Specialist” like it’s meant to be a compliment, but come on man! Since when has it ever been a good thing that you can only win matches when someone else is involved? You’re going to look me in the eye and tell me you’re proud that you have to rely on other people to win your matches for you?
Oh, and don’t think that I’m exaggerating about Doc Henry, either. Oh, no. Check the record books. Doc Henry has never, according to the official record books, ever been the one to get the pinfall when winning the tag team championships. Let me repeat that, the supposed “tag team specialist” has NEVER won the tag team championship. Oh he has held it, but he’s never been the man to do the deed. What’s the matter Doc? Are we feeling a bit insecure about ourselves that we have to start calling ourselves specialists?
You will never, ever! Hear me calling myself an “Internet Specialist” or a “People’s Specialist” Doc, and do you know why? Because true excellence comes from excelling in ALL facets of wrestling. Tag Team, Internet, People’s, Trios, you want to talk specialties? I’ve gotten ‘em all, Doc! All this Sunday is going to do is to solidify that which is already known, that when it comes to championships, that Teddy Blaze doesn’t specialize. Teddy Blaze will be a world title away from a grand slam, which is a title that you, much like the Cubs, will never hold.
Why am I bringing up the cubs to a Southern Gentleman?
Simply put, I can’t think of a better metaphor. What do you call a battered mare who comes out time and time again with promises of glory, of triumph, of victory, then immediately gets shut out of the gate?
I mean, you could call him Oblivion. That’s right Obi Wan, don’t think I forgot about you, and I’m about to make like Darth Vader and cut you down.
What the holy hell has been going on with you, Oblivion? While I can never thank you enough for removing the stink from the world title, it was also one of the most laughably short reigns since Gemini Battle. You held the belt for Seven! Days! Zero defenses, absolutely no grandeur, no meaning, just a feel good moment to shove in front of the camera and put on the cover of the inevitable Oblivion DVD.
What happened man? The name Oblivion used to strike fear into People’s hearts, to make them run screaming into the night, your appearance would make a mother leave her own child behind to get away from you, now you’re practically a mascot. A mickey mouse costume that kids want to get their picture with when they walk into the arena.
Oblivion is a fangless beast and he has been since before Doc Henry discovered fire. He’s been more focused on a certain Bear-loving sociopath than he has been on actually winning matches, and it has shown again and again.
Ding!
Teddy Blaze: I’ve always had a thing for redheads. Say, how good are you with ladders?
Do we really need to repeat the slap at this point?
Teddy Blaze: I’d be surprised if Oblivion could climb a ladder at this point or if it would just snap in half, really. The guy looks like he’s spent his entire world title purse on donuts, but then again I’m not really one to judge others for their appearance. With that being said, Oblivion is an out of shape loser whose obsession with the L word is going to end up costing him this match, I would bet any number of American dollars on it. But at least they’ll get the chance to go kill each other, and then WCF will be exactly two headaches less, leaving us with about fifty instead.
Look, I don’t dislike Oblivion, I think that he’s a crucial part of WCF history. But he’s exactly that, history. Ancient history. Oblivion is only in this match because Seth loves to parade the veterans in front of the camera and pretend like there’s some kind of continuity. Look, I have broken more records in a year than most do in their entire careers. It’s getting kind of blasé at this point. At the rate I’m going, by the time I’ve been here as long as Oblivion, I’ll have had sixty championship reigns. Hell, the only reason that I haven’t been champion more often is that whenever I win a belt, I keep it for a long, long! Time. I’m having to hold multiple championships at once sometimes to make it fair on the challengers, and I’m supposed to be threatened by a guy who immediately dropped the world title in his first defense? Come the hell on.
And then we have Steven Singh. Theivin’ Steven, the man who is known for getting things he doesn’t deserve. Including, I might add, this current shot at the tag team Championships. Why did Steven Singh deserve this title shot again? Oh yeah he asked for it. Seth basically handed out the tag title shot at random.
This is the state of the tag team division, people. The belts have fallen so far that people are literally just putting out applications for tag team partners. See, I know better. I go to places like this.
Because that’s how it works, isn’t it Stephen? Tag partners are just randomly selected, they have to come to you like a job applicant. Put on their ties and brush their hair… except what do you know? I haven’t found a partner this way! In fact, it’s almost like trying to choose a tag team partner randomly is a colossal waste of time!
Stephen, you son of a gun, you’re clearly a hard working young man and I see many championships in your future, but the tag team division is just not for you. For one thing, you have no friends. You are so busy and focused on what you can get that you have isolated, have alienated every single man in that locker room, you have put so much emphasis on winning a championship that you don’t even realize what a miserable time you would have once you won it.
Is Thievin’ Stephen going to run up and take the pinfall from his opponents? Is he going to demand to have his entrance first? Are they going to have to fill out applications before going to the goddamned bathroom?
Come the hell on, Stephen.
You have made this tag team title match entirely, and one hundred percent about you and what you want, and that is exactly why you are going to lose this Sunday. Like I said, I have no doubt that someday, if you manage to push yourself past this self-centered egotistical BS, that you could be a world champion. You have that spark. But you can’t handle your business this way, you can’t just put out applications for tag partners like it’s some kind of business. You have to be willing to go through a table for your partner, to throw yourself off a ladder for him. You showed me in WAR that that just isn’t you, and as a result the duty now falls to me to pick up the pieces.
You want to talk sacrifice, there isn’t a man alive who can beat me, Stephen. I have bled pints for the people around the world, and I have done it for my brothers in arms. When I was Trios Champion, there was never any question of my alliegance to my brothers, never an ounce of doubt between us, and this Sunday, when I walk through those ropes, I’m going to show you exactly what that taught me.
Stephen Singh is young and hungry, but he is selfish, and he is absolutely not deserving of carrying this tag team championship until he takes that part of him and throws it away.
Cliff of Doom? Cliff is no better. Cliff is only on this team because he got a guaranteed title shot. You know why I didn’t answer Stephen’s application? Because I don’t want to be a part of that team. Now I know this setting may seem to suggest that I am trying to pick out a tag partner, but I suppose it’s time to let you in on a little secret. I’ve already talked it out with Captain WCF, and we’ve been training tag team moves all day. I’m not here to find a partner, I’m here to make a point. If you just go out and find any wrestler to be your partner, if you try to interview him like some kind of employee, you are subjugating him. You are pushing him beneath you, and it would not surprise me if after this match that Cliff turns and walks away from Steven.
The team is only together so long as they get a belt out of it, and so I see it as my duty to be their wake-up call, to show them that the tag team division is more than that. That no one man is greater than a determined team.
This Sunday, on Helloween, the Captain and I are going to remind everyone of what a concerted effort can do. It’s amazing what kind of fire a little bit of sunshine can ignite in a person.
The camera slowly fades as Blaze rings the bell one final time, and a brunette beauty approaches the table as the scene cuts to black.
--
Ring! Ring!
Silence.
Captain WCF: "Teddo! How you doing today? You ready to become the new WCF Tag Team champions?!"
Teddy Sol: "Of course I am, Cap! ...Is that a serious question?"
The conversation plays out exactly as the previous day. Finally though, there is the click of a line hanging up, then another brief moment of silence.
Teddy Blaze: What in the world am I getting myself into?
*RING RING*
A tired groan.
*RING RING*
The sound of clattering plastic, then more silence, followed by an extremely haggard sounding voice.
: If this isn’t a naked celebrity calling to tell me that I’ve won the lottery, someone is going to wake up on the grill of a bus tomorrow, it’s 3am in the morn-Seth Lerch: Is that anyway to talk to your boss, Blaze?
Teddy Blaze: What the…Seth..? Please tell me you’re not naked.
Seth Lerch: Hilarious as always, Teo.
A tinge of sarcasm is clearly apparent in Seth’s tone.
Seth Lerch: Listen, I need a favor. Well, not so much a favor as a thing you will do or else be fired, but I like you to have the illusion of choice.
Teddy Blaze: Look, if you need your lawn mowed can’t you just have Joey Flash do it like last time? I assume that’s how he got you to resign him.
Seth Lerch: See, now that’s not the tone I would expect from someone who is being gifted a potential title shot.
Teddy Blaze: In fact I…I’m listening.
Seth Lerch: That’s better. Now shut up and listen…as has become something of a fucking problem around here, one of our champions got in over his head and now our doctors aren’t letting him compete. Rather than cancel one of my biggest title matches, I have decided to get…creative.
Teddy Blaze: You’re making five new belts and giving one to each challenger?
Seth Lerch: No, but keep up the jokes and we’ll be adding an internet title battle royal to the card.
You see, in order to ensure the survival of the division, we have decided that the champion will be placed on the shelf, and we’ll be crowning an…interim champion in the meantime.
Teddy Blaze: I still don’t see how I fit into this.
Seth Lerch: Well, you see Blaze, almost all of our heroes are tied up fighting for team WCF.
Teddy Blaze: I still don’t see why they get to call it that.
Seth Lerch: And as it stands, our current tag team champion, Captain WCF, has asked me to specifically approach you, given that you are one of the most heroic faces on the roster.
Teddy Blaze: Heroic..? Seth, do you just turn the television off whenever I’m on screen?
Seth Lerch: I assumed most people did.
Teddy Blaze: You’re playing with fire, Lerch.
Seth Lerch: The overall point being, he wants to partner with Teo del Sol, and so I figured I would give you a call.
Teddy Blaze: Look, Seth, I don’t know if you’ve been watching the program the past couple months, but I don’t exactly think that-
Seth Lerch: And as a result, you’d be given a shot at the tag team championship.
Teddy Blaze: -Would even consider…the what?
Seth Lerch: The Tag Team Championship.
Teddy Blaze: …Don’t play with me here. The tag team championship, the Vapor Kings, The Thickness, the Joey Flash and Jonny Fly tag team championship.
Seth Lerch: The one and the same.
Teddy Blaze: …so you’re telling me that if I…If Teo del Sol were to accept Captain WCF’s offer, that you will give me, er, us the chance to capture the tag team championship?
Seth Lerch: That’s about the size of it.
Teddy Blaze: …and if I were to say that Teo del Sol isn’t really available?
Seth Lerch: Well then I guess the championship match would go to someone else. I mean if you’re not interested in fighting for the tag team championship…
Teddy Blaze: I’ve wanted to fight for that belt for months! That belt has been one of the most mistreated and abused titles since Vic Venable and Spencer Adams…
Look, that championship has a legacy, and we haven’t had a serious team hold it in months. It has been on its deathbed since Showdown, when it was treated as a prize for the worst losers. That belt needs-
Seth Lerch: I take it then that it’s a yes.
Teddy Blaze: I…
Look. I can’t promise you anything long term, but…
Just…
No mask, okay?
Seth Lerch: You sound like my last ex.
The click of a phone hanging up can be heard as the scene slowly fades into view on an extremely cheap motel room. Cracks in the drywall lead up to a ten-inch CRT television that has been strapped down to prevent theft, and a ratty recliner, more like a lawnchair really, has been set up in the corner. The decades old telephone sits on a yellowed plastic nightstand next to a discolored mattress with a dirty comforter layed over it, a comforter which shifts as an extremely tired face slowly emerges, reaching to the table to retrieve a pair of round red glasses.
The now familiar face of Teddy Blaze slowly arises from the bed, wearing a pair of blue jeans and little else, and walks over to a dirty mirror. He turns his head slowly to one side, producing an audible crack, then opens his mouth, checking to make sure that his teeth are all still in place. Finally satisfied, he turns towards the bathroom, talking to himself as he walks into the dingy linoleum-covered room.
Teddy Blaze: What the hell did I just agree to? Like I’m supposed to just pretend that I’m Teo del Sol again, to just suddenly take it all back?
As he speaks, the camera pans to the mirror, making it appear as though he’s answering his own question.
Teddy Blaze: Well, you’d get a heck of an opportunity out of it, wouldn’t you?
The camera then pans back to the Teddy Blaze outside of the mirror, back and forth instantly with each exchange.
Teddy Blaze: You think I’m without any sense of honor? Of Dignity? That I’m just going to give up on everything because they dangle something shiny in front of you?
Teddy Blaze: You’re overthinking it. Captain WCF wants to partner with Teo del Sol, so why not give him what he wants? You can go back to yourself after the match is over.
Teddy Blaze: So what, give him what he wants to get a title shot and then pull the hood off? It was me, Captain, it was me all along?!
Teddy Blaze: Okay, have it your way, you can keep your character intact. Then someone else will get the tag title shot and probably lose it to Doc Henry and Oblivion.
Teddy Blaze: Please, Seth didn’t say he was planning on hiring any 80-year olds. Or in Doc’s case, any MORE.
Teddy Blaze: But the fact remains that you have a choice in front of you. Let Captain WCF think he’s with Teo del Sol until you have those belts, then let him know the truth, or…
Teddy Blaze: Or I don’t betray everything I’ve worked for these past few months, gee, what a decision.
Teddy Blaze: You’re right, that is the most important thing.
Teddy Blaze: Then why am I even having this conversation?
Teddy Blaze: I think you know why.
Teddy Blaze: I really don’t
Teddy Blaze: You’re really going to make me say it?
Teddy Blaze: I’d rather just take a shower and go have a steak and egg sandwich.
Teddy Blaze: And yet you sit here talking.
Teddy Blaze: Because I’m thinking about it, alright?!
Teddy Blaze: Was that so hard?
Teddy Blaze: Because you know and I know that the moment that we take our eyes off the ball, that Pantheon…
Teddy Blaze: Don’t say it, I know the rest.
Teddy Blaze: I don’t know who I can trust anymore. Spencer Adams, Vic Venable, they fought so hard to keep those belts out of the hands of Beach Krew, put on a 5-star classic at One. If I just say no, just let those belts go onto the waists of a couple of veterans or unproven rookies, who knows what could happen to them?
Teddy Blaze: You know. And it’s not pretty.
Teddy Blaze: Spencer and I…we left on bad terms. But that belt meant everything to him. Maybe if…maybe I could set things right.
Teddy Blaze: But that means going back, right?
Teddy Blaze: It means being a hypocrite, it means going from Teddy Blaze to Teo del Sol. And I told everyone that that chapter was done, the book was closed. To go back now…
Teddy Blaze: …would mean that all of this was for no reason. That I gave up everything I had, put everything on the line, just to end up back where I started.
At this point, the camera pans slowly around, showing that Blaze has indeed been talking to himself the entire time.
Teddy Blaze: Maybe…maybe I could just try it. I could be Teo del Sol for Helloween. No mask, not yet. But…but maybe…
It is at this instant the phone begins ringing again. Teddy Blaze shakes his head slowly and walks towards the receiver, staring at it as each ring slowly echoes throughout the hotel room.
---
Tahiti Bob's Discount MargaritaVille
The Next Day
However, what kind of man runs a very strange gamut indeed. Some are overweight, while others are far from the traditional definition of attractive. One appears to be holding a slightly bloodied machete, but the camera quickly zips past his table, focusing also on a large sign on the bar’s wall.
Teddy Blaze: Why hello there, didn’t expect to see you here! I’m here because WCF has told me that they need someone for this Helloween’s tag team title match, and I can think of no better place to scout out potential partners.
Blaze slams his fist against the bright silver bell on the tabletop, and is greeted by an extremely attractive blonde bombshell who slinks in a sultry manner into the seat.
Teddy Blaze: Hello beautiful! Say, how do you feel about three ways?
The words have barely left Blaze’s mouth before a hand (with painted fingernails) tattoos a slap directly across his face, and the sound of angry high heels is heard as Blaze shrugs his shoulders at the camera.
Teddy Blaze: You see? These are the kinds of questions you need to ask before you find the perfect partner. Now, you may be wondering why I am here instead of asking around the locker room, or maybe a gym. The answer my friends is both simple and incredibly complex! You see…I am here because after seeing the opponents I would be up against this Sunday, I realized that I could take a baby into the ring with me and walk away as the new! Tag team Champion.
I mean come on, are we really taking ourselves seriously with these challengers? Oblivion and Doc Henry. What, was BioHazard busy? We defrost these two jobbers from the WCF legends cryo-chamber and put them in line for a tag title shot? What’s next, are we going to see Eric Price come back?
Why are you looking at me like that, cameraman?
Ding!
Teddy Blaze: Hello nurse! You seem like you could handle four men!
Another painted slap goes across Blaze’s face, and he shakes his head confusedly.
Teddy Blaze: Don’t get me wrong, I liked Doc Henry back in the day when he was relevant. I remember it well, we would huddle around the fire in the back of the cave and hide from mammoths, praying to the sun in order to ensure a bountiful harvest of mud. Then, we would see a cave painting, with a big cowboy hat and stupid moustache, with the tag title belt over his shoulder, and we would know that Doc Henry was in town.
The last time Doc Henry held the tag team championship was 2012, and let me tell you, I honestly took it as a sign that the world was about to end. This Kentucky fried goofball has been so darn proud of himself for his tag title reigns throughout time immemorial, and yet he has yet to do a damned thing to justify his current contract. Doc has been parading himself about as some kind of “Tag Team Specialist” like it’s meant to be a compliment, but come on man! Since when has it ever been a good thing that you can only win matches when someone else is involved? You’re going to look me in the eye and tell me you’re proud that you have to rely on other people to win your matches for you?
Oh, and don’t think that I’m exaggerating about Doc Henry, either. Oh, no. Check the record books. Doc Henry has never, according to the official record books, ever been the one to get the pinfall when winning the tag team championships. Let me repeat that, the supposed “tag team specialist” has NEVER won the tag team championship. Oh he has held it, but he’s never been the man to do the deed. What’s the matter Doc? Are we feeling a bit insecure about ourselves that we have to start calling ourselves specialists?
You will never, ever! Hear me calling myself an “Internet Specialist” or a “People’s Specialist” Doc, and do you know why? Because true excellence comes from excelling in ALL facets of wrestling. Tag Team, Internet, People’s, Trios, you want to talk specialties? I’ve gotten ‘em all, Doc! All this Sunday is going to do is to solidify that which is already known, that when it comes to championships, that Teddy Blaze doesn’t specialize. Teddy Blaze will be a world title away from a grand slam, which is a title that you, much like the Cubs, will never hold.
Why am I bringing up the cubs to a Southern Gentleman?
Simply put, I can’t think of a better metaphor. What do you call a battered mare who comes out time and time again with promises of glory, of triumph, of victory, then immediately gets shut out of the gate?
I mean, you could call him Oblivion. That’s right Obi Wan, don’t think I forgot about you, and I’m about to make like Darth Vader and cut you down.
What the holy hell has been going on with you, Oblivion? While I can never thank you enough for removing the stink from the world title, it was also one of the most laughably short reigns since Gemini Battle. You held the belt for Seven! Days! Zero defenses, absolutely no grandeur, no meaning, just a feel good moment to shove in front of the camera and put on the cover of the inevitable Oblivion DVD.
What happened man? The name Oblivion used to strike fear into People’s hearts, to make them run screaming into the night, your appearance would make a mother leave her own child behind to get away from you, now you’re practically a mascot. A mickey mouse costume that kids want to get their picture with when they walk into the arena.
Oblivion is a fangless beast and he has been since before Doc Henry discovered fire. He’s been more focused on a certain Bear-loving sociopath than he has been on actually winning matches, and it has shown again and again.
Ding!
Teddy Blaze: I’ve always had a thing for redheads. Say, how good are you with ladders?
Do we really need to repeat the slap at this point?
Teddy Blaze: I’d be surprised if Oblivion could climb a ladder at this point or if it would just snap in half, really. The guy looks like he’s spent his entire world title purse on donuts, but then again I’m not really one to judge others for their appearance. With that being said, Oblivion is an out of shape loser whose obsession with the L word is going to end up costing him this match, I would bet any number of American dollars on it. But at least they’ll get the chance to go kill each other, and then WCF will be exactly two headaches less, leaving us with about fifty instead.
Look, I don’t dislike Oblivion, I think that he’s a crucial part of WCF history. But he’s exactly that, history. Ancient history. Oblivion is only in this match because Seth loves to parade the veterans in front of the camera and pretend like there’s some kind of continuity. Look, I have broken more records in a year than most do in their entire careers. It’s getting kind of blasé at this point. At the rate I’m going, by the time I’ve been here as long as Oblivion, I’ll have had sixty championship reigns. Hell, the only reason that I haven’t been champion more often is that whenever I win a belt, I keep it for a long, long! Time. I’m having to hold multiple championships at once sometimes to make it fair on the challengers, and I’m supposed to be threatened by a guy who immediately dropped the world title in his first defense? Come the hell on.
And then we have Steven Singh. Theivin’ Steven, the man who is known for getting things he doesn’t deserve. Including, I might add, this current shot at the tag team Championships. Why did Steven Singh deserve this title shot again? Oh yeah he asked for it. Seth basically handed out the tag title shot at random.
This is the state of the tag team division, people. The belts have fallen so far that people are literally just putting out applications for tag team partners. See, I know better. I go to places like this.
Because that’s how it works, isn’t it Stephen? Tag partners are just randomly selected, they have to come to you like a job applicant. Put on their ties and brush their hair… except what do you know? I haven’t found a partner this way! In fact, it’s almost like trying to choose a tag team partner randomly is a colossal waste of time!
Stephen, you son of a gun, you’re clearly a hard working young man and I see many championships in your future, but the tag team division is just not for you. For one thing, you have no friends. You are so busy and focused on what you can get that you have isolated, have alienated every single man in that locker room, you have put so much emphasis on winning a championship that you don’t even realize what a miserable time you would have once you won it.
Is Thievin’ Stephen going to run up and take the pinfall from his opponents? Is he going to demand to have his entrance first? Are they going to have to fill out applications before going to the goddamned bathroom?
Come the hell on, Stephen.
You have made this tag team title match entirely, and one hundred percent about you and what you want, and that is exactly why you are going to lose this Sunday. Like I said, I have no doubt that someday, if you manage to push yourself past this self-centered egotistical BS, that you could be a world champion. You have that spark. But you can’t handle your business this way, you can’t just put out applications for tag partners like it’s some kind of business. You have to be willing to go through a table for your partner, to throw yourself off a ladder for him. You showed me in WAR that that just isn’t you, and as a result the duty now falls to me to pick up the pieces.
You want to talk sacrifice, there isn’t a man alive who can beat me, Stephen. I have bled pints for the people around the world, and I have done it for my brothers in arms. When I was Trios Champion, there was never any question of my alliegance to my brothers, never an ounce of doubt between us, and this Sunday, when I walk through those ropes, I’m going to show you exactly what that taught me.
Stephen Singh is young and hungry, but he is selfish, and he is absolutely not deserving of carrying this tag team championship until he takes that part of him and throws it away.
Cliff of Doom? Cliff is no better. Cliff is only on this team because he got a guaranteed title shot. You know why I didn’t answer Stephen’s application? Because I don’t want to be a part of that team. Now I know this setting may seem to suggest that I am trying to pick out a tag partner, but I suppose it’s time to let you in on a little secret. I’ve already talked it out with Captain WCF, and we’ve been training tag team moves all day. I’m not here to find a partner, I’m here to make a point. If you just go out and find any wrestler to be your partner, if you try to interview him like some kind of employee, you are subjugating him. You are pushing him beneath you, and it would not surprise me if after this match that Cliff turns and walks away from Steven.
The team is only together so long as they get a belt out of it, and so I see it as my duty to be their wake-up call, to show them that the tag team division is more than that. That no one man is greater than a determined team.
This Sunday, on Helloween, the Captain and I are going to remind everyone of what a concerted effort can do. It’s amazing what kind of fire a little bit of sunshine can ignite in a person.
The camera slowly fades as Blaze rings the bell one final time, and a brunette beauty approaches the table as the scene cuts to black.
--
Ring! Ring!
Silence.
Captain WCF: "Teddo! How you doing today? You ready to become the new WCF Tag Team champions?!"
Teddy Sol: "Of course I am, Cap! ...Is that a serious question?"
The conversation plays out exactly as the previous day. Finally though, there is the click of a line hanging up, then another brief moment of silence.
Teddy Blaze: What in the world am I getting myself into?
