Dicks Out For The Evil Dead (Parody That Fucking Rocks)

[Jayson Price]

October 28th, 2016
WCF Headquarters
Reading, Pennsylvania
Noonish

Voice: "Listen, Jayson, it's like I told you on the phone, there's just no money."

The scene slowly fades in on the inside of the office of Ralph Johnson, President of WCF Studios. Ralph is sitting in an office chair behind a modest desk littered with stacks of paperwork. There's a waste can set up in the corner with balled up paper scattered around it on the floor. Hanging on the walls are framed posters of the studios most successful releases, all of them films about the careers of WCF's most famous talents. And by that we mean the members of Pantheon. Seated across from Ralph, looking rather annoyed as he leans back in an office chair, is Jayson Price.

Jayson Price: "What do you mean 'there's no money'?"

Ralph Johnson: "Mr. Lerch has been cutting the budget for the studio each month for the last year and we've finally hit the point where we can barely keep the lights on. He says that he doesn't see a need for big budget pictures when everyone is interested in streaming their shit on the WCF Network."

Jayson Price: "Wait a second. I've seen the shit on the Network, they've got documentaries and original shows. You telling me they'll put money into that crap but they won't do movies?"

Ralph Johnson: "All right look, I'll level with you. It's all Lerch. He's into the reality bullshit, the Kardashians and the Wahlburgers and the like are all he talks about when we're having our meetings. You think I haven't tried saving this part of the company? But no, he says to hell with having original ideas, he just wants to copy off whatever is trendy at the moment."

Jayson Price: "Yeah, well, I've got an idea here that'll change his mind."

Ralph Johnson: "I already told you that I can't help you, Jayson. I really can't. I mean I wish I could, like I said we can barely keep the lights on in this building the way the budgets keep getting slashed, but Lerch shoots me down everytime I get a chance to meet with him. And believe me, he doesn't meet with me often. At this point I'm pretty sure he's just waiting for me to quit."

Jayson Price: "Yeah, well, why haven't you?"

Ralph Johnson: "Do you know how many jobs are out there for someone with an art degree? I've got to ride this thing out for as long as I can before I end up out on my ass and living in some cardboard box behind an Arby's."

Jayson Price: "Hey you and Dion could probably get together and find a nice refrigerator box."

Ralph Johnson: "Hardy har har. Now look, I'm sure whatever idea that you've got is terrific, I'd probably enjoy it and so would a ton of people. But pitching it to me is just going to be a waste of your time, I can't do anything with it."

Jayson Price: "Just watch it and then try telling me that."

Ralph Johnson: "But there is-"

Jayson Price: "Watch it."

Price motions to his side and Cameraman Stu steps into the scene. Stu hands Ralph a folder with something scribbled across the front.

Ralph Johnson: "'Jayson Price: E.D.'. What the fuck is this, something about a boner pill?"

Price slowly turns his head and stares down Stu.

Jayson Price: "'E.D.'? What the fuck are you trying to do to me here Stu?"

Cameraman Stu: "My bad, I thought I'd abbreviate it."

Jayson Price: "So you went with- god damn it. Look, Ralph, just open up the folder and see what's in there."

Ralph lets out a sigh as he looks back and forth between Price and Stu before opening up the folder. The first thing he sees inside is a mock poster.

Ralph Johnson: "Hold up. I just told you that this place barely has the money to finance a successful bowel movement, let alone a movie, yet you're trying to pitch me a remake of the god damn Evil Dead. Even if we had the kind of budget we had last year, that was behind the scenes looks at Pay Per Views and biographies of former wrestlers kind of movie money. Never could we afford the rights to a movie like the Evil Dead."

Jayson Price: "Ah. See, I had a feeling you'd say something like that. Look at the next image."

Ralph slides the poster aside and reveals a second poster underneath.

Ralph Johnson: "'The Mediocre Dead'? What, we talking a parody kind of movie?"

Jayson Price: "Somewhat."

Ralph Johnson: "Okay, even if we could work out the legal stuff to make this work, a parody would still cost millions, probably even tens of millions. And if you think Lerch is a tight ass when it comes to money for regular projects, what do you think he's going to say if it comes up that you're attatched to this project? He hates your guts, Jayson. You and the whole Pantheon crew. You've got better odds of Scarlett Johansson coming through that door right now, ripping off her top and using her tits to jerk you off."

Jayson Price: "You've had that dream too?"

Ralph Johnson: "Jayson-"

Jayson Price: "Will you just look over the script? I mean, what else have you got to do around here? Read what I've got there, then find your balls and go to Lerch with it. You do that for me and maybe Pantheon uses you when we need some video work done. Okay?"

Ralph Johnson: "Video work, eh? Well I suppose it wouldn't hurt to flip through it a little bit."

Jayson Price: "That's the spirit. Stu, give the man a card. Ralph, get back in touch with me once you're done with that and you've gone to Lerch. I'm trusting you to do what I'm asking of you."

Ralph takes the card from Stu and nods his head. Price pushes himself up out of his chair and adjusts his suit jacket as Stu holds out his sunglasses. Price takes them and slips them on. Ralph goes for a handshake but Price turns and leaves the office with Stu trailing behind him.

Ralph Johnson: "Where the fuck do these people come from?"

Ralph looks down at the "The Mediocre Dead" posting laying on the desk in front of him. He moves it to the side and sees the scrips laying under it.

Ralph Johnson: "Well at the least it'll make for some decent bathroom reading."

Ralph gets up out of his chair, grabs the script and heads for the small bathroom attatched to his office. The scene fades out to black as he pulls the door shut.

- - - THE MEDIOCRE DEAD - - -

The scene fades in on the exterior of a cabin in the middle of the woods. It's nighttime, the moon is full and high in the sky amongst the stars. There's a chill in the air as a breeze rolls through, causing the branches of the trees to sway. Leaves on the ground get kicked up in the wind and blow into the darkness. The wind is the lone sound you can hear, not even the hoot of an owl or the sound of a mouse scampering about the twigs looking for food. Suddenly a light pops on inside of the cabin and we can see shadows moving about inside. The scene switches to the interior of the cabin and we see Jayson Price standing in the middle of a dusty living room, a duffel bag slung over his shoulder.

Jayson Price: "Seriously? This is where you wanted to come instead of Cabo? Christ, I would have taken Baltimore over this dump.

A woman steps out from a bedroom toward the back of the cabin, searching through her purse as she makes her way toward Price.

Jayson Price: "I know you told me that this cabin has been in your family forever, but I didn't think you meant that literally. Fuck, Elle, this cabin looks like it used to be a base for the Union."

Elle: "Who?"

Jayson Price: "The Union. You know, from the Civil War."

Elle: "Civil War? Oh you mean like that movie you took me to see?"

Jayson Price: "What? No, no, that was Captain America: Civil War. I'm talking about the actual Civil War that happened in America?"

Elle: "You mean superheroes ARE real?"

Price lets out a soft groan and face palms as Elle is still too busy wrapped up looking through her purse.

Jayson Price: "What the hell are you looking for?"

Elle: "I know I packed my phone charger but I can't find it anywhere!"

Jayson Price: "Uh, Elle, have you looked around at all since we got here? There isn't an outlet in this entire place."

Elle: "...what?"

Jayson Price: "And I'm pretty sure we left cell service behind about 20 miles ago."

Elle: "...what?"

Jayson Price: "You've never been to this cabin before, have you?"

Elle: "My dad used to mention it to me when I was a kid, said it'd been left to him by his dad, who got it from his dad and it just kept getting passed down. I thought it might be fun to check it out finally."

Jayson Price: "All right, well I mean maybe it won't be all that bad going a night without electronics or anything. At least we've got what looks like a comfortable bed in there. We can spend some 'quality' time together."

Elle: "Uh..."

Jayson Price: "What?"

Elle: "I forgot to tell you that I started my period today."

Jayson Price: "..."

Elle: "Sorry?"

Jayson face palms a second time, this time harder. Letting out a long sigh, he pulls his duffel bag off of his shoulder and sets it down on the couch. A thick cloud of dust rises into the air and Jayson waves it out of his face before he unzips his bag.

Elle: "What are you doing?"

Jayson Price: "Getting the supplies out."

Price pulls out a pair of large bottles of whiskey and sets them down beside the bag.

Elle: "You call those 'supplies'?"

Jayson Price: "Well now they're more like emergency supplies. About the only thing I've got to get me through the night."

Elle: "Oh don't be so dramatic. So you have to get through one night with a woman and not have sex with her. You're acting like a child."

Price grabs one of the bottles, undoes the top and takes a swig.

Jayson Price: "Yeah, this isn't going to be nearly enough."

Suddenly the lights in the cabin flicker twice before going out, plunging everything into darkness.

Jayson Price: "I'll take 'Ways To Make Shit Worse' for $500 Alex."

Elle: "Must everything be a joke to you? Like, for once could you take things seriously?"

Jayson Price: "I could."

Elle: "Will you?"

Price responds by taking another long swig from his bottle. Not that Elle can see him, but he needs something to help drown her out.

Elle: "I think there's a fuse box down in the cellar. Will you go check and see what you can do?"

Jayson Price: "Again, I could. But someone should really stay with the supplies."

Elle: "You suck."

Jayson Price: "And this is your family's cabin."

We can hear the sounds of Elle heading deeper into the cabin before the creaking of door echoes throughout. There's lgiht from her cell phone as she lights up the screen to use to go down the steps into the cellar.

Jayson Price: "Be safe!"

Elle: "Fuck you."

Elle slowly makes her way down the steps, each one creaking under her feet. She has to brush cobwebs out from in front of her face. Finally she reaches the bottom and shines her phone around the small space in search of the box.

Elle: "Come on, where are you?"

Finally she spots it in the far corner and heads over to it. She pries open the lid and tries flicking a few of the switches, but nothing happens.

Elle: "Shit."

Slamming the lid shut in frustration, she turns around and shines her light in search of anything else she can use. She spots a box with what looks like a candle sticking out of the top of it.

Elle: "Thank god-"

Elle walks over and scoops up the box, only for her cell phone light to flicker out.

Elle: "-damn it. Come on, seriously?"

Jayson Price: "You having any luck down there?"

Elle: "Oh just all kinds. My phone died, can you come down and give me a hand, I think I found a box with candles."

Jayson Price: "Yeah, yeah. Hold on."

We can hear the sound of Price's footsteps from up above as he makes his way to the doorway. He makes his way halfway down the steps and shines his phone screen toward Elle.

Jayson Price: "There you go, just follow the light."

With her free hand, Elle shoots Price the finger and then heads toward the stairs. She follows Price up them and back into the living room before setting the box down on the small table in front of the couch. She pulls open the box as Price gives her light.

Jayson Price: "All right, yeah candles will work. Wait. What the fuck is that?"

Elle pulls the candles out of the box and then reaches back down inside.

Jayson Price: "Is that...is that a fucking animal skull?"

Elle: "Oh god. What kind of animal is that?"

Jayson Price: "Who cares what kind of animal it is? Why the hell is it in a box in the cellar?"

Elle: "I don't know! Wait. It looks like there's a book at the bottom."

Jayson Price: "Forget the book, let's get some of these candles lit before we suck out my phone battery."

Price fishes around in his pockets before he pulls out a lighter. He lights the three candles and spaces them out around the living room so that there's some light. Elle pulls the book out from the box.

Elle: "Oh...god. This thing looks ancient."

She pulls the cover open and blows off the dust from the first page.

Elle: "I've never seen writing like this."

Jayson Price: "Hold on. Cabin in the middle of nowhere. Box with candles, animal skulls and a weird book. I feel like I've seen this before."

Elle ignores him and continues to flip the pages in the book, staring at the odd writing with intrigue.

Elle: "These pictures are...fascinating. Terrifying, but fascinating. Here, come take a look at this."

Jayson Price: "Yeah, I'll pass. Maybe instead we should talk about what kind of weird shit your family was in to? I mean, I know hunters like to keep trophies from their kills. Like stuffed bears or the head of a deer mounted on a plaque. But that looks like a fucking dog or cat or I don't know what kind of animal skull. Elle? Elle are you listening to me?"

Elle: "I hear you. And I don't know, I barely ever met anyone from my dad's side of the family. He always said they kept to themselves because they didn't like the big city life."

Jayson Price: "Well if they wanted to live like the fucking Waltons that's fine. But shit, this is a bit out there."

Elle continues to go over the book, muttering to herself as she stares at the words written on the pages.

Jayson Price: "Wait. Are you trying to read that thing?"

Elle: "I'm just trying to see if I can figure it out a little bit."

Jayson Price: "Haven't you ever seen any horror movie ever? You don't find a creepy book written in some weird language in the basement in a box with candles and skulls and start trying to read it."

Elle: "Oh will you stop? You're acting like all of that crap is real."

Jayson Price: "Real...fake...I'm not up for risking finding out what happens next when we're 20 miles away from civilization, tucked away in some backwoods cabin. So could you just put the book away and split this bottle of whiskey with me?"

Elle: "I don't really like whiskey."

Jayson Price: "We can't see each other anymore."

Elle flips another page in the book and stops as she stares down at the image in front of her.

Elle: "This looks like the skull that was in the box."

Price looks over at the drawing Elle is looking at.

Jayson Price: "Okay. A drawing of a skull, inside of a pentagram, with what looks like Latin or something written around it in a circle. If that doesn't scream satanic then I don't know what the hell does."

Elle traces the words with her finger, muttering them as she circles around the drawing.

Jayson Price: "WHOA! WAIT! Are you seriously reading that shit?!"

Elle: "I mean it's obvious that my family is into this stuff, I'm just trying to show an interest in it."

Jayson Price: "You mean you're trying to get us dragged to hell by some demon."

Price takes another hefty swig from his bottle as Elle begins to read out loud.

Elle: "Jobberu weaklinga newbieto."

Jayson Price: "What. The. Fuck. Are you serious right now? I'm standing here telling you that I'm not trying to get sent to hell, at least not before I've put in a few more years on Earth until ultimately dying of liver disease, yet you're intent on reading a book that's most likely a guide on opening up the fucking door for demons and shit."

Elle: "Oh will you quit being a bitch already? It's a book. Just a book. Yeah it's a bit weird and there's some definite evil looking drawings in here, but it's still just a book. Excuse me for trying to pass a little time with something other than alcohol, you drunk bastard."

Jayson Price: "Don't you bring my whiskey into this!"

Price takes another long swig from his bottle.

Elle: "Yeah, that's right. Drink up. Drink until you pass out, it's what you're best at."

Price flips Elle the finger and continues to drink as she goes back to the book.

Elle: "Jobberu weaklinga newbieto. JOBBERU WEAKLINGA NEWBIETO! JOBBERU WEAKLI-"

There's a loud crack of thunder from outside, followed by a bolt of lightning that lights up the woods outside.

Elle: "Okay that was just a coincidence."

Jayson Price: "What the fuck did you do?"

Elle: "It's just a storm. See, you can hear the rain hitting the roof."

Another bolt of lighting lights up the outside, showing blood dripping down the windows.

Elle: "Okay, maybe I fucked up."

Jayson Price: "Maybe? You dumb, dumb bi-"

The door to the cabin is thrown open as a wave of blood rushes inside. Price dives behind the couch and takes cover as Elle is drenched. She lets out a scream as the blood pulls back through the doorway, almost like the tide in the ocean. Jayson peeks up over the back of the couch, whiskey bottle in hand. He takes a swig before standing back up.

Jayson Price: "I told her not to read from that book."

A loud scraping sound can be heard from the porch as Price raises an eyebrow.

Jayson Price: "Oh what hell is this?"

Price looks down on the couch at the still opened booked and scans over the words that Elle read.

Jayson Price: "The hell does that crap even mean?"

Price looks back up toward the doorway as the scratching sound gets louder. Suddenly a figure bursts into the cabin, lit up by the lighting outside. Even with it's face rotting off of the bone and it's skin peeled down to the tendons, Price's face bunches up with bewilderment as he recognizes the person the figure once was.

Jayson Price: "Why the fuck does that thing look like Damian Kaine? Jesus christ, it's even wearing a shitty Hot Topic t-shirt."

The Damian Kaine rotting corpse slowly makes it's way toward Price, arms raised, groaning.

Kaine: "CRAAAAAAZY! SOOOOOO CRAAAAAAAAZY!"

Jayson Price: "Oh some on, seriously? This is the best they could pull out of hell to send at me?"

Price finally finishes off the last bit of whiskey in his bottle as Kaine approaches him. Price looks at Kaine, looks down at the empty bottle, then swings and brings it down on top of his head. Kaine drops like a sack of potatoes and appears dead from the blow.

Jayson Price: "Well that certainly was easy. But then again even in life it wasn't like it was hard to do that."

Price steps over the body of Kaine and creeps toward the still open door. The storm seems to be letting up but an ominous red glow covers the landscape. Another rotting corpse can be seen shuffling through the woods, this one with a sign hanging around it's peeling neck.

Jayson Price: "'Will kill for home'. Really? Even the undead Dion is homeless? Christ, can the guy catch a break?"

Price starts to walk out of the cabin and gets to the porch when he realizes he left his 2nd bottle of whiskey on the couch. He turns to go back inside when the door slams shut in his face. Price drops to his knees and begins pounding on the door, tears coming down his cheeks.

Jayson Price: "NO! YOU BASTARDS! YOU DAMN DIRTY BASTARDS! YOU LET ME HAVE MY WHISKEY!"

The Dion corpse continues to shuffle toward the cabin, it's feet crunching leaves drawing Price's attention back to the other pressing matters at hand.

Jayson Price: "All right. You bastards want to keep me from my booze? Then let's dance."

Price looks around for something to use as a weapon but finds nothing but dried up leaves. Dion draws closer and Price shrugs before unloading with a superkick to the face. The rotting head goes flying through the air and the rest drops to the ground.

Jayson Price: "You know normally I like to steal my material from Corey, but I think this time I'll make an exception and use one of FPV's line. BOOM! HEADSHOT!"

There's a clap of thunder.

Jayson Price: "Oh everybody's a critic. But I guess now the question becomes, where the fuck am I supposed to go? Maybe I should have grabbed that book before I left. Maybe I should have realized a cabin in the woods never makes for a good vacation. Maybe I should have taken Shannan up on that offer to stay home and get a push pop. Hey what's that?"

A column of smoke raises above the trees in the distance. With no other ideas of where to go, Price chooses to head toward it, entering the thick woods.

Jayson Price: "Even with hell on Earth and corpses walking around, I gotta admit I'm digging this whole red glow thing. Kind of gives you the feeling you're staring into some cherry Jell-O."

A sound of someone scurrying through leaves stops Price in his tracks and draws his attention to his right.

Jayson Price: "Great. What now?"

As Price scans the woods looking for another corpse headed his way, he misses the movement in the tree branches above his head. Suddenly a small, badly ripped up teddy bear lands on his head and falls to the ground.

Jayson Price: "A teddy bear? Ah fuck. Don't tell me."

More teddy bears begin to fall from the branches above Price, who raises his arms and effortlessly swats them away.

Jayson Price: "Seriously?"

Another corpse finally appears, this one clutching an oversized teddy bear wearing a t-shirt that reads "Treachery" inside of a crudely drawn heart.

Jayson Price: "Lemme guess, that bear likes to show you what's in his 'picnic basket'?"

The corpse lets out a groan as it makes it's way toward Price. He looks down, spots the bears and quickly scoops one up.

Jayson Price: "You stop right there or the fucking bear gets it. DON'T TRY ME! I'M STARTING TO SOBER UP!"

The corpse lets out another groan but stops.

Jayson Price: "Okay I lied. Fuck your bears!"

Price tears the head off the bear and tosses the two pieces at the corpse. It appears to be crying, although no tears are coming out since it's a fucking corpse. Price scoops up bear after bear, tearing each apart and throwing it at the Lilith corpse, who begins trying to put each back together while moaning. When Price runs out of bears he lines up for a superkick.

Jayson Price: "Uh...witty pun about bears!"

Price unloads with a superkick to the back of the head that sends it flying straight into a nearby tree. The body falls forward onto the pile of destroyed bears as Price brushes himself off.

Jayson Price: "No worries, that just looks like a little boo boo."

Again there's a clap of thunder. Price raises a middle finger to the sky.

Jayson Price: "If you don't like my puns, just end all of this and go back to hell. Otherwise I'm just going to keep sprouting them off as I knock down your little fucking minions."

There's no response and Price continues to the source of the smoke. As he walks he looks back up at the sky.

Jayson Price: "Seriously though, you could make this just a bit more challenging. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm having fun fucking up your corpses and everything, but you could at least try to kill me."

Still no response as Price comes upon a small clearing in the woods. The source of the smoke appears quite close but now standing in Price's way are three corpses slowly walking in a circle. After watching them do the same thing over and over again a few times, Price finally has to say something.

Jayson Price: "So, uh, you guys ever think about trying a different approach. I mean, what you're doing there obviously isn't getting you anywhere."

The corpses continue to walk in their circle with no signs of wanting to change.

Jayson Price: "Ah. I see the ZiTches are still good with staying with the same old routine. Never going anywhere in life or death."

Price whistles and finally gets the attention of the corpses. They begin to shuffle towards him as Price looks around for something to use. He spots a rock lying on the ground and picks it up. With careful aim he leans back and then throws it right at the corpse in the middle. The head goes flying on the one but all 3 fall over. There's no movement from any of them and Price seems a bit satisfied.

Jayson Price: "You know, I always said those bitches shared one brain, I guess that proves it."

Price steps over the three fallen ZiTches and back into the woods as the smell of smoke begins to reach Price. He pauses just near another small clearing and steps behind a tree as he looks ahead to see what awaits him. There's a cloaked figure moving about around the flames, chanting and waving it's arms in the air. Another corpse is on it's knees nearby, looking into the flames as it lets out small groans.

Jayson Price: "I feel like I've seen that corpse before, but where? And what's up with the fucking-"

The sound of Elle screaming from somewhere in the clearing stops Price.

Jayson Price: "Ah fuck. Welp, time to be the hero."

Price steps out from behind the tree and creeps through the forest, trying to see a clear shot at the cloaked figure from behind, but it keeps moving about around the flames.

Jayson Price: "Fuck it, I'm just winging it."

Price waits for his moment and then emerges from the woods, ready to fight. The corpse slowly makes it's way up, but Price notices something immediately.

Jayson Price: "Is that...piss? How the fuck is a corpse pi- ERIC! PISS PANTS ERIC! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE BACK!"

The corpse lets out a groan, and some more pee, as it makes it's way toward Price.

Jayson Price: "Whoa, point that thing away from me you freak."

Leaving a trail of piss as it slowly heads toward Jayson, the Eric corpse groans at every mention of the word piss. Finally Price has enough of the pathetic sight and lets loose with a superkick to the crotch. The lower half of Eric breaks off and the entire body falls apart before dropping into a pool of piss. Jayson hops back to avoid being splashed as we suddenly hear Elle scream again. Price looks over and sees the cloaked figure holding Elle near the tall flames.

Jayson Price: "All right, let's just let the girl go and get this over with. I've finally gotten sick of the whole red sky thing and the brain matter on my shoes is starting to seep through to my socks."

The cloaked figure lets out a cackle before pulling back it's hood.

Jayson Price: "Of course. Twilight. How the fuck did I not guess it was you."

Twilight appears to be only partially dead, as she still has her red hair and the majority of her skin is still in tact, but her eyes are blood red and her lips are black. She begins to speak but Price holds up a hand and stops her.

Jayson Price: "No, no, no. I don't have the fucking time to listen to another one of your long, boring speeches. I get it, you're evil. You're a bitch. But you're also misunderstood. You have friends that hate you and you hate them too, but you never leave them because you're a fucking wimp when you're not surrounded by lackeys. It's all boring and depressing and I honestly don't give a fuck. So let the girl go and hop on into those flames so we can end this shit and I can get back to drinking."

Twilight looks at Price, considers her options and then pushes Elle toward Price before hopping into the fire. We can hear her screams of pain before they quickly fade out. The sky slowly becomes a light shade of blue as the sun begins to rise in the distance. The flames die down before disappearing along with the body parts of corpse Eric.

Elle: "I'm sorry I read from that book, Jayson. I didn't know!"

Jayson Price: "Well that's because you're a woman. Now next time you know not to do that stupid shit."

Elle: "Next time? You mean you'll go on a trip with me again?"

Jayson Price: "Oh fuck no bitch. Are you crazy? As soon as we get back to the cabin we're packing our shit, I'm driving you back into the city and leaving your ass at the bus station before heading back to Philly. Go back out with you after you pulled this shit. Bitch you stupid."

The scene fades out to black as Price takes off through the woods back to the cabin with Elle pleading with him to slow down so they can talk.

- - - THE END - - -

The scene fades back in on the inside of Ralph's office as we get a shot of his bathroom door opening and him walking back toward his desk.

Ralph Johnson: "What in the fuck did I just read?"

The scene cuts back to Jayson Price as he's stepping out of his car and heading toward the entrance of the Reading Regional Airport where his private plane is waiting to take him back to Philadelphia. His phone dings and he stops to pull the phone from his pocket and look at it.

Jayson Price: "It's a message from Ralph. 'I have no fucking clue what I just read, but I'll show it to Lerch. Who the fuck wrote this?!' Well that's one reaction I guess."

Cameraman Stu: "I told you that you should have hired a professional writer to pen the script. Some of those one liners you added? Christ, stick to wrestling because you suck as a writer."

Jayson Price: "Oh what do you know about writing, camera monkey."

Cameraman Stu: "Well look at that, Jayson Price doesn't respond well to criticism. Let me alert the media that absolutely nothing new is going on."

Jayson Price: "Well you're a little more bitchy than usual. Is this because I wouldn't write in that one joke you suggested."

Cameraman Stu: "That was gold and you know it. But no, I'm not bitchy, I'm concerned. We both know how big this match is at Helloween, yet here you are trying to get your shitty scripts made into movies. You realize that you're whole goal of resuming that chase for belts is right there for you to take?"

Jayson Price: "No, I hadn't noticed. Oh thank you Stu for pointing that out, I don't know what I'd ever do without your keen sense of awareness. Of course I know what's on the line. Excuse me for wanting to have a little fun while I'm getting ready."

Cameraman Stu: "You call trying to write a movie getting ready?"

Jayson Price: "Did you not look it over? I took all kinds of shots at the little bitches in it. My mind is on the match, it just also happens to be on some other things. But they're connected!"

Cameraman Stu: "Taking a few pot shots at Twilight and Price and the rest in some little movie script and actually focusing on a match against them are two very different things. Fuck, I'm not a wrestler and I don't pretend to be one, but even I know that isn't how you do things."

Jayson Price: "But it is how I do things. For fucks sake, when have I ever actually done things like other people? I have my own methods and they work. So relax and let the wrestler deal with the wrestling shit. You just keep that camera at the ready in case I decide to drop some knowledge on the masses."

Cameraman Stu: "I'm telling you, you're wrong. You're fucking around like you always do and it's going to bite you in the ass one of these days. And if it bites you on Sunday, you can kiss that title shot at One good bye. Is that what you want? To lose that chance and be relegated to some tag team match thrown together at the last minute?"

Jayson Price: "That is Seth's style, I'll give you that one. But you're overreacting. We're Pantheon, they're a team of ragtag, loveable losers, minus the loveable part. We formed to come back into WCF and take it back to the promise land. They formed because Seth told them to and they're already falling apart at the seams. I know you want me to act like I'm taking this all seriously, but how can I? Don't get me wrong, I'm focused on the things that I need to be focused on, but I can't take this 'Team WCF' shit seriously. In fact, you know what, it's time to drop a little something on the people. Get the camera ready."

Stu fishes his camera out of his bag and fiddles with a few buttons before he points the lens at Price and gives him a thumbs up.

Jayson Price: "Listen, I need to address this whole idea that at Helloween Pantheon is facing off against 'Team WCF'. Let's be clear, they're 'Team WCF' in name only. Pantheon is the team that WCF needs representing it now and forever always, not a hastily thrown together team of a pair of returning lackluster 'stars', one of whom disappeared in 2014 after like 2 years of success and nobody's heard from since, and a who's who of the exact 'talent' that I talk about when I discuss how far WCF fell off when myself and everyone else got fired. Zero Tolerance and Damian Kaine? These are the people joining up with Sarah Twilight and Eric Price to represent WCF? This is the team that is supposed to represent what WCF evolved into after we were cast out of the company? I weep for the fans that are torn between rooting for the 'good guys' and crying because they realize that Team WCF is made up of the bargain bin scraps. Yes, there was never going to be any 7 members of WCF that were going to be able to stand up to Pantheon, but couldn't you have at least tried when it came to recruiting? I know you didn't ask Oblivion, that fool would have joined up the moment you uttered the word 'team'. He's been a member of so many shit stables and tag teams that it could be his gimmick at this point. Yet he's sitting on the bench, a loyal member of the WCF that's been around as long as I have, watching and wondering just why it is that he's supposed to root for you. Hell, you could have even brought on Lilith, her crazy ass would have joined up with you, I'm sure of it. But again, I know you didn't ask her because as soon as she would have heard that Twilight was involved, her nose would have been right up Twilight's cunt and her lips tightly sucking on her asshole because that's just how she is. And that's just talking about the current batch of losers you could have picked from. Did you pick up the phone and try to reach out to the long, long list of Hall Of Famers and former champions that would have loved a shot at Pantheon? Was Torture too busy in the recording studio? Was Logan passed out naked in a playground again? Hell, you could have had Seth make a few calls and get Hellz Angel and Outcast out from whatever rock they've been hiding under to come in. There was a fucking list a mile long of names you could have picked from, but at the end of the day the big announcement that you had the world waiting to hear was that Zero Tolerance and Damian Kaine had reached out and brought in Sarah Twilight and Eric Price."

Price pauses as he shakes his head in disbelief.

Jayson Price: "I mean, if you were going for pure shock value, I'll give you an A for effort for that move. Finding out where Eric Price has been hiding out the last few years and talking him into coming back for this match, I don't know what you told him or promised him, but that was impressive. But for the actual recruitment of Eric Price, bringing back a guy best known for the time Sarah Twilight scared him so badly that he pissed himself in the middle of the ring, for that I have to wonder what it was that Seth was thinking when he put you in charge of building this team. Did he just say fuck it because Gemini and Bates were already penciled in for the World Title Match? I mean, they wouldn't have made a difference in this match, maybe they would have helped it last a little longer, but this all reeks of him just waving the white flag because he knew that, even with Corey in the World Title Match and Dune taking care of Pantheon business abroad, the 7 of us would decimate any team that he could form for Hellimination. But Seth is too much of a bitch to just admit defeat, no he has to somehow save face and at least make it look like he's going to stand up to Pantheon. So he made you a captain and told you to pick your team. I don't know who he expected you to get, I'm sure he figured you'd stick with your own and that the ZiTches would represent. Did he expect Twilight and Eric Price? Who knows? But if you think that Seth, even with all of his 'Dub See Eff' rally cries and the support he's showing you, honestly believes that you can walk out of Helloween as the winners, you're wrong. So very, very wrong. He knows that you're going to fail. Spectacularly. He's already wondering what matches we're going to tell him to pencil us in for. He's already having nightmares about what titles Pantheon is going to be holding when One is over. It'll be all of them. And he's already sitting in his office waiting for the call where I tell him 'I told you so' because Pantheon always win. He knows it, the smart people left on the roster know it, the fans know it. Honestly the only people who apparently haven't gotten the memo are the 7 of you on Team WCF because you've all still got hope. And hope is a truly dangerous thing because it leads to things like confidence and courage and determination and all kinds of other things that don't mean shit when you're facing off against the single most destructive force on this planet. Pantheon. The word alone should make your knees tremble and your hearts drop. There isn't a plan that you can draw up, a prayer that you can send up or a secret weapon that you can dig up that can help you stand toe to toe with us in that ring on Sunday at Helloween. We are going to knock you off, one by one by one by one by one by one bye one until all that's left standing is the 7 of us with our arms raised in victory and there isn't a single god damn thing you can do about it."

Price pauses as he resumes walking toward the door of the airport. An employee opens up the door for him from the inside and Price nods at him before resuming.

Jayson Price: "Twilight I honestly don't get why it is that you came in to be part of this team. I know you've always been one for putting yourself in the spotlight and trying to take things over because your ego won't let you just stay in the shadows, but I could always at least say that the moves you made had some kind of sense behind them. I could understand why you pulled the shit that you did, the opportunity was there and you capitalized. For that I'd call you smart. But this? There's no realistic scenario where you benefit from being on the losing team in this match. You had to have asked who else was on the team when you were called upon to join. And you probably had something to do with recruiting Eric, but even then that brain of yours had to realize that, after you two, there wasn't much of a team. I've been sitting around trying to think of any solid reasoning you could have for being on this team and the only thing that I could come up with was that you suddenly had a bit of true team spirit and this was you wanting to show that you stand for the WCF and you want to defend it's honor. But that's bullshit. You've always been the type to be about yourself and no one else. You faked a wedding with Eric just to fire him from his own company. Then, when you were in control, you subjected us all to seeing your face for 80% of every Slam and PPV because your ego wouldn't let you stay off camera. Since the day you first came to WCF you've only ever been about yourself, which is why you wanting to be on a team like this to begin with makes no sense, but this team? You've lost your touch, that has to be it. Not even you could be so starved for attention that you'd lower yourself this far. First ever female WCF Champion, now agreeing to join team destined to be destroyed simply so she can be in a pay per view main event once again? It's a sad, sad fall, but let's be honest it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person. So if this is some sort of scheme, which I can't see it being because there's no pay off in being humiliated on television, and you can verify that with Eric, well then I at least hope you had fun dreaming it up just like the old times. I don't know if you'll stick around after Hellimination, I mean, I don't see you having the desire to watch yourself getting pushed to the back of the line for even the lowest of the title belts, but if you do run off again then just let me say that it was a true honor to have been part of the team to send your ass packing, bitch."

Price approaches the airport security station but is waved through by the TSA agents. That celebrity status is a truly beautiful thing. Stu however is stopped and forced to endure a wand as Price makes small talk with one of the other guards. Finally Stu is given the all clear to keep on going.

Jayson Price: "You know what, I was really going to let Eric's return go without jumping all over it at first. Maybe make a few little jokes here and there, but I did plan on barely acknowledging it. But then I thought about it and I realized that it wasn't fair to everyone else. Why should he get off easy just because he's been gone for years now? Why should I not ruin his grand return by immediately reminding everyone that he was always best known as being Twilight's good little bitch that tinkled all over himself and the ring? No, I have to be fair. So Eric, allow me to welcome you back to the WCF, for however long this comeback might actually last. I questioned why Twilight would agree to join such a lackluster team, but for you I don't have to question it. You're the male version of Lilith, when Twilight tells you to jump, you jump and then you piss on yourself. I'm sure when you got the phone call from her you said yes before she could even finish the question. Anything for the old flame, eh Eric? Forget all the shit that she did to you before you ran off into hiding, you could never say no to Twilight. She wanted to bring you in so that she could have someone to use as a life raft when the ship that is Team WCF sinks and you were more than happy to be there for her. Well welcome to the party. We're Pantheon, your hosts, your opponents and, come Monday morning, your masters because we're going to make you our bitch. You came back most likely out of loyalty to Twilight because there is nothing else for you here to come back to. Resurrect your WCF career? Ha. Good luck, you'll just end up with Twilight and the rest of Team WCF at the end of the line, waiting like good little piss ants while Pantheon holds onto all the gold. This isn't the WCF that Twilight told you about while Pantheon was gone. The days where any two bit wrestler could make a name for himself ended at WAR, now you're walking right into the Pantheon show where we control everything you see around you because we are the immovable object and the irresistible force all rolled into one sexy as fuck package. You may have had your brief run of glory during the days of Bravado and EPPW, but those are all in the past along with whatever pieces of a career you may have hoped to salvage. I was there for those times, I remember them and I remember you. And while you may think that you know me, the fact is that I evolved with the times while you crawled into a hole somewhere and hid because your star was fading. Well, I hate to break it to you Eric, but that star of yours burnt up and disappeared long ago. Nobody gives a fuck that Eric Price once owned this company and held the World Title. You spent years trying to convince everyone that I was 'the other Price', it was your go to insult when we were in the ring. But now, looking at you, it'd be too easy to say I was flipping that on you because of where you're at now. Dragged back here by Twilight to compete in a match that you can't win and for what? You trying to join Twilight in that spotlight as you get one more pay per view main event under your belt? Fuck it, I'll let you enjoy that one. Eric Price, main eventing a WCF pay per view in 2016. Soak it in, live it up. Let that warm spotlight hit you in the face so you can feel the old feelings come back to you. I'ma let you have that moment, Eric. I'ma let you have it because I know that as soon as that bell rings at the end of the match and Pantheon has run through Team WCF, you're going to run off and go right back into your hole until the next time Twilight decides she needs her bitch. But hey, seriously, welcome back."

Price pauses in front of a television monitor turned to the news. They're running a story on the assault and kidnapping of Adrian Archer on October 26th while he walking along the sidewalk. Price smiles as he watches the footage unfold, moving on only when they switch to the next story.

Jayson Price: "I do wish that we at Pantheon could take credit for what happened to Adrian, but alas it wasn't us. It would seem as though Archer has a rather nasty habit of pissing off the wrong people and, while we have the kind of class to do our business in the ring, these fine folks don't seem to have our patience. Oh well, at the end of the day would having Archer really have saved you from being beaten down and humiliated? The real tragedy is that now, after we beat you, you little fucks are immediately going to claim that since you were a man down going into the match, you deserve a rematch or some kind of bullshit. Well fuck that. In fact, I wouldn't be shocked if you didn't plan this little scheme out yourselves for that very reason. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, won't we? For now let's address the fact that Adrian Archer was a bitch and he wasn't going to be a factor in this match to begin with. For being the captain of your team, he was, at best, the 3rd best on the team. And it pains me to say Twilight and Eric are tied for the top spot on your little team, but they really are the only ones you've got that have done jack shit in this company when there was actual talent around. You Zero Tolerance faggots think that because you're holding gold right now that it means you've made it in WCF, but you pulled that shit off in a WCF so watered down that you might as well call it Atlantis 2. I don't get why you take such pride in what you've done the last few months, but trust me, all that pride and hope and dreams and other fairy tale bullshit is about to go right down the ole drain along with whatever plans you might have had to move up the ladder. Pantheon is here to say that you don't even get to be on our ladder, your place is on ground fucking level holding onto the legs so that we have a nice, smooth climb to the top where we belong. This company, before we were sent packing, was our bitch. I held the god damn World Title and then, just weeks later, was without a job because of a power hungry owner with a small dick and an even smaller brain. All of us in Pantheon are better than anything you ever dreamed of yourself being. We are what you will tell your children about when they ask you about your favorite wrestlers. WCF is no longer going to be a playground where you can run around and do as you please, this is ours. All of it. We will keep you on a leash and tell you when you can have a shot at being famous and you'll say thank you because you don't have a choice. You might think that this is all a game and that you have a say because for the last few months there wasn't a clear leader, but Pantheon is your leader. At Helloween you're walking into what you think is just another match but really it's a showcase for Pantheon. It's our opportunity to fully flex our muscles after weeks of winning throwaway tag team matches against you little ZiTches. We might only have 7 of our 9 representing Pantheon in Hellimination, but believe me, you're going to learn just why you don't fuck with us. It's not going to be pretty, it's not going to be fun and I can guarantee that you're not going to enjoy it. But it is necessary. Necessary for you and for all of WCF. It's time to bare witness to the end of the mediocrity that you know and to the rebirth of the WCF that once was. And for that, you are welcome.

Price finally reaches the gate that leads to his plane and turns to give Stu the signal to cut.

Cameraman Stu: "All right, I'll admit it. I was wrong, you are ready for this shit."

Jayson Price: "It's like I always tell you Stu. Never think that you fully know what's going on inside of this mind of mine."

And with that, Price flips down his sunglasses and heads through the gate as the scene fades out to black.