Evil Phoenix Kidd-- Worst Superhero Ever
Oct 29, 2016 15:42:51 GMT -5
Gemini Battle, Wade Moor, and 4 more like this
Post by "The Real Deal" Jason O'Neal on Oct 29, 2016 15:42:51 GMT -5
:: We here at O’Neal Corp. want to introduce you into our time management philosophy. Wasted time…time spent on things non-productive to the cause. Necessary time… time spent on things not necessary to the product, but keep the organization functioning. Valued time…time spent producing the product and improving efficiency or quality. Everyone has these three basic time habits in their lives.
Wasted time:
1. Bates trying to fit in to a large T-shirt. Unproductive to anything.
2. Battle trying to win the World Title against Black. Just not going to happen.
3. Corey Black trying to keep a run going for longer than three months before sinking back into the shadows of memory where not one person will remember him more than they remember the cum stain they left in a sock they hope their mom doesn’t find. Simply wasted time.
4. CJ Phoenix trying not to come off as a Bougie, if you don’t know what the term means cite urban dictionary, pompous asshole. Impossible.
5. Johnny Evil trying to be anything besides shallow and pedantic with tired ass lame as skits that only amuse ten year olds and people sitting in their parent’s basement. Astronomically and unadulterated wasted time.
6. Kidd Krazzy training for this match thinking he has a shot against any of the three people in this match especially the one and only Jason O’Neal… fucking joke.
7. Jason O’Neal giving a shit worrying about any of these six individuals. Not going to happen the Real Deal doesn’t waste time.
Necessary time:
1. TUB of Lard in a big and tall Mississippi confederate flag retail store looking for the perfect thong. Can’t wrestle without it.
2. Battle buying the right shade of lipstick for his eyes. The men love it.
3. Corey Black buying a gallon of Icy-hot to take the ring rust off. Nobody gives two shits about you.
4. CJ Phoenix keeping a strong body guard around Kaiyah before Jason O’Neal plows a hole through her the size of New Mexico. Doesn’t help CJ in the ring, but it’s definitely necessary if he wants to keep his girl.
5. Johnny Evil finding extras to play in his scripted scenes, priceless. Oh wait wrong promo. Necessary, but not proper… there you go Constitutionalist Article 1 section 8 Paragraph 19 joke for you.
6. Kidd Krazzy…waking up out of a coma and realizing he still sucks. A necessary Evil.
7. Jason O’Neal wasting valuable time commenting on these jackasses a day before Helloween. Could be doing something or someone more important… Kaiyah.
Valued time:
1. Honestly… we don’t know what these losers think is valuable. Nor do we care… honestly ask yourself as you view this… do you honestly care what Johnny Evil has to say? Or what makes CJ Phoenix tick?.... I’ll wait… go ahead… soul search… EXACTLY… you don’t and neither do we.
2. Now… as for Jason O’Neal… everything he does is valuable time. From banging Kaiyah and pissing off CJ. To leaving Kidd Krazzy and Johnny Evil laid out in the ring for the vultures of Pantheon to take them out. Hashtag that really happened. I know… O’Neal is a dick. But there are three types of people in this world.
What’s that another breakdown of character traits you say? Sure… why not?
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Three types of people in this world as told as Team America World Police.Type One - Pussies: These are people who think that everything is unicorns and rainbows. They speak in glittering generalities and happy thoughts.
Kidd Krazzy and CJ Phoenix.
1. Kidd Krazzy thinks the WcF is God’s gift to entertainment and he is going to work really, really hard and end up one day as the champion. Yeah and his grandparents are going to make it through the night. He is looking through rose colored glasses and everything make the seventeen year old chump jump for joy. WOOOOHOOO…
2.CJ Phoenix has failed to realize he is the token colored guy to pick up that one demographic that WcF didn’t have before. He still is on some misguided adventure assuming his quest is to bring prestige to the Alpha Title. Shit, you get a world title shot if you keep it there is no need “bring prestige” the shit is already there. Phoenix is only here because the federal Affirmative Action program. They don’t want or expect him to win CJ needs to get that through his head.
Type Two -- Assholes: People who shit on everything. They tend to be negative about everyone and everything and pussies generally are intimidated by assholes. Which is why Krazzy and Phoenix both bow at the altar of Evil as their biggest test in this match. They are scared shitless of the asshole. If pussies get shit in them… infections… wipe front to back.
Johnny Evil
Johnny has come in put out crap on a daily basis. Said how the WcF sucks. Bounced around federations. Never was more than an after though in any organization he has been in and now wants to be something significant here. Haha… nice try asshole. Johnny is so far behind he actually thinks he is the only part that matters. His amateur promos and skits, if there was smell-o-vision, would smell like the shit straight out of an asshole.
Type Three – Dicks: These people rise above others and fuck over pussies and assholes.
Jason O’Neal
Jason O’Neal has consistently shined and pissed off many, many… many people since coming into the WcF. However, no matter how they tried to screw him over… he has still managed to fuck over Kidd Krazzy and Johnny Evil leaving them prone in the ring two weeks ago. AND screw over Phoenix by using his locker room. O’Neal is the guy who no one wants to like or even respect, but they all have to deep down… way down there… think man I’m a pussy or I’m an asshole… he’s a dick and can fuck me over in the ring.
Homosexual Evil joke inserted here. No need Evil…it is just a reference to a great timeless movie. Not an excuse to set a scene and make gay jokes. Got it juvenile? Rise above amateur.
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:: Finally some substance. Yes that was entertaining, but let’s add to the story. Let’s get deeper into the life of Jason O’Neal. On a Saturday, the day before his Alpha Title match, what is the future Alpha Champion doing? Obviously, he is in a gym. How do we know that… well look around.There are three rings, no Evil not a circus set like one of your promos or a Zero Tolerance clown school. Free weights in the right corner of the room and adjacent are various machines meant to sculpt the human body and physique. Across from the weights and machines are various heavy bags and speed bags.
A massive logo in the center of every ring and on the wall states Ruff Ryders gym. This gym is owned by the two guys who got Jason O’Neal into the ring at 18 years old. GMoney AKA Greg Johnson and Renegade AKA Randall Turner. These gentlemen tore up the tag team circuit 15 years ago.
If they were as self-absorbed as Johnny Evil they would have a shrine to their career somewhere online as well. Really… have you seen that thing? NO LIFE… anyway… coo-dos on your accomplishments in other organizations and your none here.
Back to the gym, this is where Jason O’Neal got his start. There is at least fifty people training in some form in the training center. Almost half expectantly the fans watching the WcF are hoping to get a glance at the Real Deal training… Has he ever trained for match… how does he train? As the camera pans around it focuses from a distance on a ring with three people in the ring.
Could it be…? Jason O’Neal… the camera makes its way through the people to the far ring. To the fans chagrin it is not Jason O’Neal just three guys working on basic moves. So where the hell is he? You guessed it… leaned up against the wall talking to some chick…
He is wearing a wife beater. Sadly for the fans, the sweat indicated he has already done his training for the day. The chick is wearing a sports bra and workout pants. Her curves and his chiseled physique make for a perfect Greek sculpture.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: What’s your name?
THE CHICK: Just because you are some famous wrestler… do you think you have a shot with me?
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Didn’t say a shot… I just want to know your name?
THE CHICK: Noneya
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Noneya?…that’s a ghetto ass name.
THE CHICK: No dumbass… Noneya damned business…
:: She walks away. Jason hurries behind her and the camera follows…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Wait..wait…wait…
:: She turns annoyed…
THE CHICK: What…?
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: What if I took you out to dinner? (Jason pulls a wad of cash out of his wallet) Anywhere you want to go. I can foot the bill.
THE CHICK: I’ve seen your promos… you sick asshole. I don’t believe you think your money can buy me.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: That’s not what I mean…
THE CHICK (walking away): Whatever…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL (hurrying up to catch her): What is it going to take?
THE CHICK (stopping): For you to be someone else than you.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: But, I’m me…
THE CHICK: Therein lies the problem.
:: She walks away leaving Jason flabbergasted. A familiar voice from behind the camera is heard…
TRAVIS RANDOLPH (Camera Man): I’ll edit that out… I know you don’t fail.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: You’ve never edited before… you ain’t gunna start now. This ain’t a script.
TRAVIS RANDOLPH: I’ve never seen you fail with the ladies.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Never have… what the fuck did I do wrong?
TRAVIS RANDOLPH: Went after someone who has intelligence.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Shut the camera off…
:: Fade to black…
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Stephanie Daniels.:: GMoney’s voice filled the air when the camera comes back. Jason O’Neal and Greg “GMoney” Johnson sat in the executive office of the gym and shot the breeze a bit..
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Man she is gorgeous.
GREG JOHNSON: The forbidden fruit you can’t have.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Man save the church stuff man.
:: GMoney had reformed himself through spiritual worship a while back. He moved away from the streets. He and his tag partner used the money to start the gym to get guys and girls off the street with a positive avenue…
GREG JOHNSON: God, Family, Education, Career. Jason, put yourself last and you will prosper.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Yeah…yeah…yeah… she’s hot. Is she from here? She couldn’t be a hood rat.
GREG JOHNSON: Nah, she grew up in Boston. Graduated Harvard. Law… She is an investor in the gym and comes in every morning to get her daily workout.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: So in short…
GREG JOHNSON: You have no shot.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Stephanie Daniels huh?
GREG JOHNSON: You never could focus on the important stuff…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: What do you mean…? I trained for four hours for that Helloween cake-walk.
GREG JOHNSON: Look, I don’t know how you did it, but you have made it further than Randall and I in half the time. You’re in the big leagues no kid. Trying for gold.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: I did it because I’m talented.
GREG JOHNSON: No… you actually are pretty average in the ring. You did so fast because of social media. People in our time were actual fans of Wrestling not fake ass superstars.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: You telling me I’m fake?
GREG JOHNSON: No… you’re probably the realest guy on the roster, buy since it is a business… you can buy a gallon of face paint now, figure out how to place funny videos in your promos and win. It aint about quality wrestling anymore.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: I produce quality.
GREG JOHNSON: That’s why the fans demand you. Because you break the mold. You give them what they want to see not random BS. The administration can’t deny you. That’s why when you are in the low card the fans complain and you are back at the top. They know you are being under-utilized.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Why is this relevant? Why should I care about this bullshit?
GREG JOHNSON: Because if you don’t get your stuff straight… you ain’t gunna win the title or have a shot with the love of your life.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: I ain’t in love with nobody. I just want to tap that.
GREG JOHNSON: There you go… ignoring the most important thing again.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: The Alpha Title…? That’s a given…
GREG JOHNSON: I’ve seen your opponents… I don’t disagree with you, but I was talking about the love. You need to love something besides yourself.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Save the God stuff man… I ain’t loving anyone everyone dies eventually.
GREG JOHNSON: Even you. How meaningless will your life be?
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: I have single handily rebuilt communities in third world countries.
GREG JOHNSON: And destroyed families in the first world.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Tea Pot calling the kettle…
GREG JOHNSON: I learned… everyone wakes up… your will two… maybe 40 seconds, days, months, or years away from here, but you will wake up one day and say, man… Greg was right.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: That would be the day “The Real Deal” Jason O’Neal stopped existing,
GREG JOHNSON: My point exactly.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: I ain’t in love man…
:: Greg Johnson raises his eyebrows as if to say “yeah right”. The camera fades to black…
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:: Jason is leaving the gym and just so happens Stephanie Daniels is leaving at the same time. She has since showered and is in a pair of jeans and a nice shirt to face the brisk fall morning air. Somehow she looks better all covered up. He hurries ahead and holds the door for her…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Right this way Ms. Daniels.
STEPHANIE DANIELS (with a sly smile): So you have done a bit of research, huh?
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Just a bit.
STEPHANIE DANIELS: You might want to focus on your match tomorrow night in Minnesota.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Speaking of that. I’m flying first class tonight and I have a reserved ticket for you ringside if you would like it.
STEPHANIE DANIELS: I have more important things to do.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Like what? What’s more important than me?
STEPHINE DANIELS: God, Family, Education, Career.
:: With that she walks away slides into her nearby Mercedes E-Class. Jason watches as she drives off. The voice from behind the camera is heard again…
TRAVIS RANDOLPH: Strike two…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Shut up and cut the camera…
:: Fade to black…
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:: No place like home. Jason O’Neal’s home. The pool is heated so the squad is enjoying the poolside area. Various college football games are blaring on every entertainment system there is inside the home. Nowhere found is Jason O’Neal. The party’s going on and Jason isn’t in the middle of it. What the hell is really going on?Oh wait… its trash talk time. He is alone somewhere to get his promo done. Where? He’s in his garage. He has a multitude of fancy high end cars. He walks silently admiring them. As the camera gets closer he focuses his attention and begins to talk with all the charm and presence that only he is blessed with…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: The cars have nothing to do with the promo. Just a change of scenery away from all of those lunatics outside. I guess they can make all of those other know-nothing losers in the WcF jealous. Like that teacher guy… Cliff. Teacher’s salary… Bet he would love to have that 25,000 purse on his match. He isn’t concerned about the gold he is concerned about paying his light bill.
Now on to the real reason we are all here today… The gauntlet match at Helloween. The Alpha Title. And my Three Opponents. First off… A gauntlet match with four competitors is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Simply put, two men start the match, three minutes later another comes out… then where’s the suspense of who is next? Can only be one other person. Unless it was done purposefully to short change the first two competitors in the match. The other two will have fresh legs when the first two have been in there for an hour or more. It will be tough. It is a shitty format and for anyone who hasn’t brought it up… now you know it is pretty damned shitty.
Also, if I was the current Alpha Champion instead of the future Alpha Champion, I would be asking why I have to face Jason O’Neal at Helloween with marginal time before I get a world title shot. News flash, Mr. Phoenix they don’t want you as world champ. They say to him, ‘You as the Uncle Tom can have any title you want…unless it is the face of the company on the line.’ Phoenix is being marginalized and he has no idea. He is so proud of his accomplishment, but he is starring down the barrel of a double barreled shot gun. No offense to Krazzy, but we all agree he has no business in this match. Therefore, Evil and I are the two barrels. One may misfire… Evil… but you got one working barrel. Ok…single shot pump action shot gun. They did it on purpose to take down the only assjack who worked his way to the top and not f*cked his way up there.
:: Jason leans on the side panel of his own Mercedes E-Class. He crosses his feet and continues his monologue…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Tomorrow night, I face three men who provide necessary work for me to produce the end result I need. Kidd Krazzy… two zz’s by the way… is it two dd’s too?
TRAVIS RANDOLPH (chuckling behind the camera): I think it is.
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Figured it. Double the z and thed what you get? A jackass… who texted and drove and ended up in an f*cking fugue state of mind where he saw cartoon characters and shit. Listen… I love the kid, one d because I’m talking of him as a boy… not his name… Fuck… he’s screwing with my grammar now. Anyway, kid or Kid ‘D’, boy or bitch, respectively, I think everyone who are your opponents in this match agree… you have made great personal strides, but you got into the match because you were in the right place at the right time. You got lucky and you don’t deserve to be here.
Congrats on learning how to win in this organization as well. Volunteer for odd jobs and blow jobs and someone will give you a shot. Use representations of characters in some way…masks or out of body experiences or what have you… that type of shit gets you noticed. Congrats you are becoming Johnny Evil or Uriel Bates.
Also, I love your little fascination with me. I appreciate it. I am the scum of the earth in your eyes. I like it. Granted, I’ve been called worse by way more important people but… shit I’m glad I can be of service to make your day shitty every time you see me promos.
Now on to your dead grandparents. Two things… first either you killed them to further your career as stated previously… OR here’s a twist… my boys killed them for not paying off their drug fees. Medical marijuana for granny’s glaucoma is a hefty penny for a family one on fixed income. We supplied they died. Either way… them f*ckers are gone… maybe you can live your life free of fear of being walked in on masturbating.
:: Travis laughs…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: You are totally destroying the fourth wall right now. Keep it to yourself. That’s enough of that no talent hack. On to number two, Johnny Evil… you have no respect for me… I called you out on bullshit… I spoiled Walking Dead for you… I was happy to see Glenn die… I’m a piss poor sport in the ring because I laid your punk ass out in the middle of it two weeks ago. All of this shit… all of it… made you lose respect for me.
Good. You respect guys who are cracked ass corner stones of this company. Your perspective is off like a guy judging a straight line in an earthquake. I don’t want, need or, expect your respect. You are f*cking Evil… the risk taker. The Dare Devil… the chump who has a storied career in the industry who is farting around with a guy who’s been at it for about four months. Why would you respect me? I remind you of what you used to be when you could do more than just gay jokes and skits.
You know everything there is to know about me. You know my likes… you know what I want to accomplish it and why I want to accomplish it. The world doesn’t know or give a f*ck who you are and what you have to offer it. All we know is you have some obsession with cartoon characters and homosexual references.
Johnny, stop being such a damned amateur and give me depth son. Give me something that makes an intelligent person want to watch your shit. You have the pea-brained idiots on this roster in tears of laughter with your shit, but you know at the end of the day it’s nothing, but sellout bullshit.
You claim to be great, but I see the same old tired ass shit I did two years ago in the ring in the Indy league. You are big time. I’ve seen your resume. I’ve seen your fan pages. However, if you were truly ‘big time’ you would be probably be with Pantheon or fighting against them like the other Main Eventers… you sir, are a low carder… like me.
The only difference is… four months… to a storied career of personal highlights. Shit I can’t even remember who won last week… much less a match I was in four years ago. Get a f*cking life and move the hell on to the next match. Your past doesn’t make you who you are… it is pretty much what you do with your next step that makes a difference. Your immediate next step is a loss at Helloween to me. I can see it plain as daylight. Don’t let it be a shock to you I’m letting you know ahead of time.
In the mean time… who are you…? Let’s see what makes Johnny Evil tick… let’s see the deep dark side of the man who claims to be a daredevil, but we have never seen him ride a dirt bike. Let’s see him jump out of plane into a burning pit. Let’s see him live the gimmick he claims instead of live in made up fantasy character world of Scooby Doo and psychology offices. Johnny who?
:: Jason stands up and pretends to put the Alpha Title around his waist. He shakes his head and throws the air title over his shoulder. He seems content with the fictitious air title on his shoulder and repositions himself on the front fender of the car…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: CJ Phoenix… how the hell are ya’ boy? The man from the Bayou State with hot ass woman on his side. I can tell you, son either Kaiyah or the Alpha Title is coming with me. Probably, both. I told you broham… make decisions wisely… you should have cashed in a WAR for the TV title, moved up the ladder… but no0o0o0o you had to keep my title until now. You had to risk your chances at any title for a chance at the World Title. Stupid decision. Without the Alpha Title to trade in you will never reach the upper echelon of the World Confederate Federation. You and I both know it. Also, Mr. Phoenix, you and I both know that without the Alpha Title you pretty much have no reason to exist here. You would be empty space. You are not dynamic enough to hold a feud with anyone. The Alpha Title is the only thing that makes you somewhat relevant and you are about to lose it.
What next? You simply become who you have always been… Gold and Black will fade away to simply Chase. Chase Jackson the guy who played second string wide receiver at Scotlandville High School. The guy who met Kaiyah at LSU during orientation. You could not expect that you being so close to me that I would not have access to everything you have done or will do.
Mr. Elloquent enigma… I want you to think back to a backstage conversation we first had when I got here four months ago. You had already established yourself… I was just trying to get my foot in the door. I approached and I said…more or less… friends or enemies… We agreed that time would tell.
Well the fat lady has sung her song and the time has told. I purposely did not mention you when I spoke of jobber champions like Battle or Bates or Bishop… I left you off the list because you didn’t sell out like they did. You didn’t cozy up to the brass…you scratched and clawed to get where you were… I respected that. However, I have come to realize that you didn’t sell out because you had nothing to sell.
You were one note. Battle has face paint… you have Madden 17. Come-on even children know that face paint is cooler. Bates is a giant… you are a second string receiver… Bishop is the best damned ass kisser I’ve seen in my life … you were not. Phoenix you were a champion who got there because there was not other place to go.
Add to this the affirmative action lawsuit that recently occurred… you sir are a paper champion… they needed to diversify their clientell. Poof some unsuspecting idiot walks in the door with no dreams of doing better. Who wants to bring prestige to a title they made up to placate him. When he gets close… when he makes all the decisions that we want him to make… we give him an impossible match. Against Evil…. Kidd… and O’Neal … a match that clearly O’Neal will win… and we replace on minority with another. When O’Neal is close to cashing in… we will find someone clearly better and put the title on the line, stack the odds, and marginalize yet again. Phoenix you are being played and have no idea.Wake up man… you grew up in East Baton Rouge Parish… you have seen the system play guys like this all the time. What makes you feel like you are better than that system?
Furthermore, if for nothing else…I can tell you I want to be champion to get my personal locker room like you. Shit, having to dress next to Kidd Krazzy is like dressing next to a toddler. He doesn’t know where to put things. Furthermore, the website would highlight my name in blue. And I get access to the champion’s lounge. I can say… that’s worth this match. October 30th, November 30, December 30th, January 30th… My count is a bit shorter that Cliff of Doom’s, but 90 days till a world title shot. Guaranteed. It’s only a matter of time.
Chase… please… for the sake of humanity… please explain the dancing princess at the end of your promos. I can’t understand how Johnny Evil hasn’t put his fantasies of homosexual mischief into play with that one. Two of Three things, Kaiyah, your title, and/or an explaination of the princess. Make your decisions.
:: Jason stands from the car…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: It’s really clear that I am the least liked and respected in this match. Kidd wants me gone. Johnny Evil thinks Phoenix is more respectable. Chase has more respect for Evil than me. Funny how unintelligent minds function the same way as great minds. They all have that in common and come Helloween… they will have one more thing in common… they will envy me being the Alpha in the ring.
TRAVIS RANDOLPH: Corny…
“THE REAL DEAL” JASON O’NEAL: Shit what else you want me to say… I gotta go pack. Cut the camera…
:: Fade to black…
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Trick or treat…:: Kids shout with excitement. The door opens and an elderly woman examines the costumes.
Kid One: I’m standing in a kiddy pool in a Scooby Doo T-Shirt. I’m Johnny Evil shallow and pedantic.
Kid Two: I’m Uncle Tom… ‘nough said.
ELDERLY WOMAN: You look like you don’t belong here.
KID THREE: Exactly…I’m Kidd Krazy.
ELDERLY WOMAN: And aren’t you handsome. Is that the Alpha Title from WcF?
KID FOUR: Yep… it’s just what I do. I’m Jason O’Neal. Here’s some weed.
:: The old lady faints…
KID FOUR: You’re welcome.
VOICE OUT OF SCENE: Cut!!
:: The camera pans out to reveal a set. Now I see what it is like to be a real WcF Superstar… gee willykers. Fade to black…
