News Flash : Doc Evil From Detroit

[heresjohnny]

"Cat got the tongue for my opponents this week an' shit. I guess they're gonna' wait to say something at the last minute. It's cool though, I'll break the ice. Like I usually always do when it comes to fighting some busters!"

"Bitch, I build my own momentum and I can't find no pride and respect in people who can't do the same... so, speaking of pride and respect, let me get this shit started... properly."

“What Jason O Neal did, there is no pride in. I didn’t wanna’ tag with that sorry ass mother fucker neither, but as a man, we do what we must. He did this because of either one of two things… One, he has no balls, or two- the tiny baby balls that he has still haven’t dropped yet. Whatever the case may be, Jason O Neal is a fuckin’ coward. I bet his ass is still sore from that loss two weeks ago.” (Johnny gives a quick a subtle wink of the eye) “Yeah, you know the loss that he got after he claimed he was stepping into the easiest battle royal ever. News flash- you lost buddy… guess it wasn’t that fuckin’ easy?”



“Either way, go ahead and speak some bullshit about how you still placed in the gauntlet. That just means that you’re content with coming in second place… Only in WCF does Seth give people who lose a match a title opportunity. Need I use the ol’ mental retardation line, again?” (Johnny thinks about it for a moment before shrugging it off) “I don’t think there is any need to mention that, because I can’t change the stupidity of others. You know the ones who lose, but still act like they did some miraculous thing. I mean, don’t get me wrong, sometimes there is honor in defeat. Not in your case… you must still think your back in one of those special classes you used to attend where everyone gets a trophy for trying? Second news flash- this is not that!”


“O Neal, if you really think in your head you have a chance of beating me… like legit in your mind even think it’s possible at the slighest bit, its not. Best remedy I can give you is to go get your ass institutionalized. This is WCF, but I’m assuming you thought this was amateur hour or something?" (Evil shakes his head ‘no’ in complete disgust and disbelief) "Even Kid Krazzy, as much as he may not be up to par with the rest of the talent in that locker room gets my respect. At least he could probably hold his own in the pre-show dark matches. You on the other hand aren’t even worth that respect.”



“At best, you might be worth holding my luggage bag or my sweat drenched towel?” (Evil thinks for a moment, almost giving too much thought as he squints his eyes) “News flash, you’re not even worth all of that!”



“With that said, you may not be up to par with competing in the ring for the Alpha Championship, but you may fall in line to compete for the Deez title along with David Sanchez…” (Go ahead, be stupid like you are and ask what the ‘Deez title is’... I’ll wait…) DEEZ NUTZ



“Speaking of that Alpha Championship, that belt is really gonna’ look lovely draped over my shoulder after Helloween tho!”



“See, when it comes to Mr. Reigning And Defending Alpha Champion, he’s got a big task ahead of him at the Pay Per View. I don’t care if you changed the name of that belt you’re holding, causing it to lose it’s prestidge. Hell, it already lost most of it’s fuckin’ prestidge when you put that thing around your waist for the first time. I’m not saying you’re a bad champion, I’m just saying that you’re not a great champion. You may find yourself asking, ‘why is that’? News flash- those who need to name themselves Alpha aren’t that great… especially when you gotta’ change the name of the title to the Alpha Championship.”



(Johnny lets out a chuckle as he slaps his thigh) “Christ man, that’s like Ron Artest changing his name to Meta World-Peace!” (After letting out his laughter on that note, Johnny continues to explain) “You can change the name of something, but it’s not gonna’ change whatever reflects it or backs it. You holding that title doesn’t do it the justice it deserves.” (Evil just shakes his head) “I mean fuck, while you’re pretending to play Alpha, Beta, and Omega there is serious problems going on in this world.”



“Crazy J was just caught at Gathering Of The Juggalo’s and a couple homeless WCF wrestlers that aren’t getting paid enough have been sleeping in the same mini-van for months. Where does that come into play? Well, it’s simple…” (Johnny smirks it off for a moment) “While you pretend to be important, News flash- These are more important matters of discussion than you will ever be.”



“I wish people would just put the fuckin’ crack pipe down for a moment. I mean even my partner, Kid Krazy must be blasted out of his fucking mind/ Don’t confuse what I said about giving him respect for holding his nuts like a man and showing up to fight last week.” (Johnny clears his through and gives off a sincere look) ”... News flash- Just because you earned respect for taking an ass-whooping at the hands of Johnny Rabid and losing a match doesn’t mean you’re any better than you actually are. It just means that you play the role of a human punching bag well!”



“Seth, you may think that you’re fucking Ol’ Johnny Evil over by teaming him up with garbage every week against what you may call insurmountable odds. News flash for you…” I’m just getting warmed up!:" (Johnny shakes his head, agreeing to his own thoughts and comments) “I’m built to hurt feelz, that’s just what I do. You don’t want to give me a fair shake, that’s fine. In the end I will make people quit this company, retire, commit suicide, whatever it falls down to. I’m gonna’ show you that I turn a negative into a positive and I can be brutal when the chips are down…”


"News flash- In the end, if you play pussy... you're gonna get fucked!" (Johnny gives off a wink while giving a thumbs up) "What else would you expect to happen?"


“Good day, fuckers!”



“This is Johnny Evil, signing out…”

The scene opens up with Johnny Evil dressed in a doctors outfit. Sitting on the check-up table is someone with an unknown name. His hair is ginger in color and he has his beard braided in one single braid. Crumbs of dried up food are hidden throughout his facial hair, with a small dirt streak visible upon the tip of his nose.



(Johnny squints as he leans forward and begins examining the guy) “So, what seems to be the problem here?”



At this point, with a frown across his face, the man begins to tear up. After giving a huge Snuffaluffagus type of sniffle, he wipes the crocodile tear from his cheek.



“I don’t know, Doc. Evil… I feel so congested and blocked up. It’s like this massive amount of sand in my vagina is preventing me from channeling my emotions the right way!”



Johnny Evil scratches his chin in thought as he walks over to his stand of medical supplies. As he does this, a man in a red and blue nurse’s outfit walks into the room. Johnny beings looking though the drawer to his medical supply desk as he addresses Nurse Dorkwing



Doc Evil: “Nurse Dorkwing, it appears we may have a serious case of Mangina-tus on our hands. Could you do me a favor and check it out?” (Johnny raises an eyebrow to look at Nurse Dorkwing who has his face painted in red and blue facepaint) “By the way, that is a lovely dress you are wearing today Nurse Dorkwing, it really shows off your feminine side.”



Nurse Dorkwing bats his eyes a couple times, causing Johnny to look back down into the medical drawer as he cringes in disgust, almost giving him chills.



Nurse Dorkwing pulls a latex glove from utility apron he has draped over his nurse’s gown. As he pulls the glove up his hand, he stretches it until it slips from his fingers letting off the *SLAP*. This was usually the common clique that a cavity search or a rectum check was about to be underway. Worried at this point, Jonny Evil looks up at Nurse Darkwing…



Doc Evil: “Umm, Nurse Dorkwing…” (Johnny shakes his head with a frown etched across his face) “I need you to do a mangina check, not a sphincter examination.”



With that comment, a saddened look bleeds through Nurse Dorkwing’s face paint. He quickly pulls the glove from his hand and slats it down to the floor. After a moment of sulking, Nurse Darkwing complies and walks over to the patient.



Nurse Dorkwing: “Drop your pants and let’s have a look-see!” (Nurse Dorkwing follows this up with a playful chuckle)



As the patient drops his pants, and Nurse Dorkwing checks the situation out downstairs, Doc Evil begins to prep a small vaccum type of device at his medical station. After a check-up, Nurse Dorkwing walks over to Evil and whispers something out of range from the patient.



Nurse Dorkwing: "Well it’s worse than we thought. The mangina bruising and sensitivity is strong in this one. Also, it smells kinda’ funky down there…” 


Johnny rubs his chin in deep thought…



Doc Evil: “I see…” (Evil looks down and scrolls his eyes through the medical status and paperwork of the patient) “Well, his status is homeless, the dude probably hasn’t bathed in ages. I have a feeling that I may need to use a set of nose plugs when dealing with" (Johnny’s eyes scroll through the paperwork again)... Mr. Neckofrot.”



Just as Doc. Evil stops talking, a worried Mr. Neckofrot calls over. You can hear the sensitivity already building up in his voice.



Mr. Neckofrot: “Ummm… is everything okay? Are these procedures common??”



Johnny smirks as he pulls a pair of nose plugs from the drawer dropping them on the counter while continuing to set up the manginal sand removal device…



Doc Evil: “Of course they are, just last week someone had the same problem but different situation. The man called himself Sinister J. (Doc Evil shrugs as if to say, ‘I swear I can not make this shit up’) “The guy was suffering from Post Juggalo Depression and mental exhaustion. Once the sand was fully removed from his mangina he was as good as new. He was able to drink Faygo, play Uno, and listen to Tech Nine once more as if nothing had ever happened.”



Mr. Neckofrot: “Well, that’s good to know. I’m glad that we have such caring doctors like you in the world.”



Doc Evil: “Trust me, it’s all in a good day’s charity work.”



At this point, Doc Evil plugs the cord to the vacuum into the wall and rolls his medical stand over to the table in which Mr. Neckofrot is sitting. Grabbing the nose clips and plugging them up to his nose, he looks toward Mr. Neckofrot as he slides his rolling chair over with his free hang. As he grabs the vacum hose, Doc Evil takes a seat in the chair and sits down.



Doc Evil: “So, what do ya’ say we remove this massive amount of sand from your vagina?”







LATER THAT DAY…



Doc Evil walks into the room where two men are sitting. He grabs his medical report and looks down at it. Looking up slightly he examines both men, one light skinned black fella’ and another who the fuck knows nor cares what his nationality is…



Doc Evil: “So, who is feeling under the weather today?” (Evil eyes the paper back down for a second) “Is it you Mr. Nodeal or is Mr. CeeJay the one in need of assistance?”



Both men already look agitated. With an arrogant smirk, Mr. Nodeal replies…



Mr. Nodeal: “Well doc, it’s not me that has the problem. See, I don’t have a problem… I’m the real deal!”



Doc Evil checks his reports again…



Doc Evil: “Interesing…” (Evil gives a suspicious eye glance back at Mr. Nodeal) “That’s funny, because with a name like Mr. Nodeal, it sure seems like a contradiction?” (Doc Evil lets off a small playful chuckle) “No pun intended, of course.”



Johnny waits for a moment as neither men reply or seem humored.



Doc Evil: Okay, just tryin’ to lighten the mood a bit…” (Doc Evil puts his clipboard on his medical supply table) “So, what seems to be the problem with Mr. CeeJay?”



Mr. Nodeal: “Well, he just can’t perform, I don’t have that problem because I’m the best naturally!”



Doc Evil: “I see, and he can’t perform in what way?”



It’s at this point that Mr. Nodeal snaps back with a response just as quick as it is serious. This causes Doc Evil to wonder what in the fuck people take him as?



Mr. Nodeal: “Sexually, doc!”



This begins to cause heated commotion between the dysfunctional couple. Doc Evil of course is no fuckin’ therapist, but he listens on for the amusement factor, nonetheless…



Mr. CeeJay: “It’s not my problem, I told you I’m better as a power top!” (He shakes his head in humiliation) “I’m alpha!!”


Mr. Nodeal: “Yea, but why should you have all the fun shoveling in the mud? You could make a great power-bottom too…”



Mr. CeeJay: “... But I’m Alpha” (Mr. CeeJay begins to raise the tone of his voice) “That means that I’m the beginning, Everything begins with me. If I wanted to take it in the end, I would be the Omega!”



Mr. Nodeal replies with a long drawn out sigh…


Mr. Nodeal: “Why can’t we trade places? Why do I always gotta take the black one eyed snake??”



Mr. CeeJay: “Bitch, this isn’t an Usher song!” (He points directly at Mr. Nodeal) “If I wanted wanted to feel less like a man, I suppose we could do that. Plus, if I wanted any lip from you I'd just unzip my pants... it's how I've always done it!”



Doc Evil pulls a small flask of Jack Daniels from his doctors uniform pocket and shakes his head in disbelief as he unscrews the top and tilts his head back, taking a sip from the flask, when he’s done he adds his input.



Doc Evil: “I’m confused… when you two engage in these activities, there is no possible way that either of you can feel more like a man.”



Both men look at Doc Evil insulted as all hell…



Mr. Ceejay: “Then what do you suppose, Doc Evil?”



Doc Evil: “Really, I dunno…” (Johnny sits up from his chair) “All I know is you mofo’s need Jesus! I don’t think I’m entirely the right person to be talking to about all this?”



Mr. Nodeal: “What do you mean, isn’t this couples therapy?”



Johnny chuckles for a moment as he paces around the office. He almost buries his face into his hands with laughter at this point before replying.



Doc Evil: “No, sadly this is a doctor’s office. I can give you the number for Dr. Phil, though... perhaps he can help you two along your journey to enlightenment?”



Johnny looks down into the medicine box as he approaches the door and reaches down, picking up a small pill sample bottle. With a nod of the head, he tosses the bottle into Mr. CeeJay’s direction. Mr. CeeJay looks at the bottle, examining it thoroughly for a moment. Before he can ask, Doc Evil being on top of his game already gives him his answer.



Doc Evil: “It’s Viagra. Until then, you two keep the dream alive. See my receptionist, Nurse Darkwing for Dr. Phil’s number and take-care!”



With that says, Doc Evil grabs the door handle and opens the door to the room, with a sway of the hand, signaling for Mr. Ceejay and Mr. Nodeal to make their exit…



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