Why Should I Make Others Look Better Than They Are?
Oct 16, 2016 12:16:03 GMT -5
6ix God and Kidd Krazzy like this
Post by heresjohnny on Oct 16, 2016 12:16:03 GMT -5
The scene opens up to Johnny Evil making his way into an alley as a police car speeds past on the street with their sirens glowing and blaring. The city of Detroit may not be a pretty one, it may not be a lively one… but who the fuck cares?
Carefully stepping over the garbage that fills the alley as he passes it’s your typical grungy ghetto setting. Old tarnished grafitti layers the back alley wall. The sound of the drizzling rain drops hitting the steel cat-walk is heard vividly during this late night hour. Looking to the side, he examines the cardboard box homes of those less fortunate than himself.
He focuses on one of the bums hovered over the trash can fire keeping his hands warm...
Evil: “Hey buddy, how would you like to make a few bucks?”
The bum looks at him as his eyes open wide with excitement. Pulling his hands from over the fire and straightening out his fingerless gloves, the bum itches his neck before responding.
Bum: “Money… what do I gotta’ do? I got these cheeseburgers, man… I’ll suck ya---”
Johnny puts his hand up almost mushing the bum in the face as he cuts him off.
Evil: “No, nothing sexual. I’m not Jared Holmes… I don’t perfer the company of other men!”
The bum shrugs with a look across his face as if to state he thought it was a good idea. Johnny on the other hand backs up a bit and looks at him in a crazy manner.
Evil: “So that’s how people make it when they live of this streets in today’s society, huh?”
Johnny smirks as the camera zooms in taking complete notice of his facial expression…
Evil: “I guess we all know how Jason O Neal can make some money after I send him into early retirement at Helloween?” (Johnny chuckles it off) “At least I know I won’t leave that arrogant fuck with no talent homeless than, so at least that’s one thing to feel better about…”
The bum stares at Johnny Evil with a blank and dull expression…
Evil: “Oh yea, so all you gotta’ do to make this money is ask me a few questions about my upcoming wrestling match this week.”
Bum: “But, I don’t even have a television man, I don’t know anything but this alley.”
Evil: “That’s sad, it really is…”
Johnny stands back and thinks for a moment.
Evil: “Don’t worry about all that, I just give you a couple details and we can wing it. The match isn’t that important anyway.”
Bum: “Okay… I guess that can work, man?”
Evil: “Of course it will. So, the details are I got a three on three match coming up. I’m teamed with two people who to be frank and clique about shit, they don’t quite cut the mustard.”
Bum: “Sounds easy enough…”
Evil: “Yeah, it is. All you gotta do is ask me what my thoughts are on my next match, the rest should come natural… But do me a favor, stop fuckin’ itching yourself. It looks unprofessional on camera!”
Feeling embarrassed the bum stops itching himself. The camera zooms in on the bum as he asks the question.
Bum: “So what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?”
Evil gets in a deep train of thought, rubbing his finger across his chin as if he’s a scolar thinking of a difficult answer to a quesion. Once he removes his finger from his chin he responds as the camera pans directly on him..
Evil: “Bruh, I’m not even showing up.”
Bum: “Why da’ hell not??”
Evil: “Because, I’m going to pull a no show. I’m going to arrive to the arena an hour late and forget my gym bag!”
The bum thinks for a moment…
Bum: “Maybe you could still compete, doe’?”
With an arrogant and not worrying smirk, Johnny snaps back…
Evil: “Nope not even gonna’ try.”
Bum: “Try, you gonna’ have ta’?”
Evil: “Nope… not a chance. I got better shit to do with my time then to show up to WCF and tag with two other people I just mopped the floor with!”
Bum: “If ya don’t have dat’ match, people won’t never gonna throw no respek on ya’ name?”
Johnny gets confused after hearing this. It makes Johnny so confused he stumbles backward almost losing his balance.
Evil: “Respek, what is that a fuckin’ herb or a spice? Honestly, I don’t really prefer all those seasonings anymore. My poor belly can’t handle that stuff anymore. I’d be shitting my brains out for like a week.”
Bum: “No respek… You know dat thing you tend to gain when you step inna’ company an’ start fuckin’ shit up!”
Johnny gives a shrug of the shoulders…
Evil: “Thought I just did that?” (Johnny thinks a moment longer) “Wait, R-E-S-P-E-C-T or R-E-S-P-E-K?”
Bum: “Hell if I know…”
Evil: “Christ, you dyslexic fuck. You’re like an ebonics dictionary!”
Bum: “Well when you from dah’ hood, all you gonna’ know iz da slang…”
Evil begins to rub his head as if he’s in pain as he looks down at the ground before snapping his head back up and putting his hand in front of the bums face.
Evil: “Please, stop!! You’re giving me a fuckin’ headache. I know slang, I use slang and that isn’t slang! That’s just plain ol’ mental retardation talkin’.” (Stopping his thoughts for a second, Johnny leans forward and examines the bums features a bit before bringing up another topic) “Plus, why are your lips so chapped up? You sure you weren’t pulling a Tyrone Biggums and hittin’ a crack-pipe back here before I found you?" (Johnny sniffs the air a few times and then leans forward a sniffs the bums jacket) "ughhhhh….”
Evil: “Bruh’, you ever heard of soap?”
Bum: “What’s soap?”
Evil: “SOAP… you know, the thing you use to clean and wash your ass!”
Bum: “You wash that thing?”
Evil: (Johnny shakes his head in disbelief) “Nevermind, I think I can do this promo a bit better interviewing myself. Be the fuck gone with you!!”
Bum: “Well what about the money you said that you were going to pay me, man?”
Evil: “Fuck…" (Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small wad of cash) "here man, get some clothes and some deodorant.”
Bum: “Yeah, yeah you’re right… I’m sure Nino down the street got that.”
Evil: “No, we all know what Nino down the street has, and it sure as hell isn’t soap. Nice try though Tyrone Biggums, you may go.”
In humility the bum lowers his head and begins to walk out of the cameras view, looking at the wad of money that Johnny just handed him.
Evil: “Now, it’s time to give you an epic promo that only Johnny Evil is capable of…” (Johnny Evil gives a wink)
Evil: “Who the fuck am I kidding, I’m not even going all in, because Jason O Neal still hasn’t learned to respect his surperiors. Dude got outshined last week, had an excuse and he still thinks he’s better than me… so why in the fuck would I wanna’ help that douchebag put a win on his record?”
Evil: “Anyway, whatever I’m saying here, it isn’t for Jason No Deal O Neal or Kid Krazzy, it’s simply for the enterainment of all my Evil Minion Nation!”
Evil: “So, here it goes…”
---
Look, I don’t even care about this match, because let’s face it.... Seth did this to draw some hype toward this Alpha Championship gauntlet. This week he half expects three people who tried to tear each other apart to team up against some people who have a little bit of history in he WCF. I’m sure that’s not his intentions, because he knows shit is going to explode and get outta’ hand. I mean, (Johnny gives a quick shrug of the shoulders) why would I want to team with the same people I beat up last week? Shit almost makes me feel like not showing. It’s the other two people on my team that need the warm-up for Helloween, not me. If anyone needs to get their fuckin’ level up it’s my partners, not me. In my first match, I already showed that I could walk in, lazy as fuck… (Johnny shakes his head to put some emphasis on what he’s stating) and still get the job done.
In fact, my first match here and I can sense the butthurt is pretty strong in one person in particular. Jason O’Neal got a little too confident last week and considered himself to be in the ‘easiest battle royal ever’. Shit O Neal, if that was you stepping into something easy… I’d hate to see what in the fuck happens to you when you fight the Jayson Price’s or the Corey Black’s of this company. To be honest, Seth might be better off just sticking your ass in dark matches for the rest of your career. Who knows, you might give some of these jobbers that don’t get any recognition a run for their money. (Johnny smirks at this point with a confident and sarcastically playful chuckle) Who knows, you might even get a couple wins under your belt in doing so?
One things for sure, we damn sure know that you can’t distinguish the difference between easy and hard. I bet you were that kid growing up who had to bust out the cheat codes and Game Shark for every single video game you played. (Johnny starts to shake his head at this moment, as if to say ‘that’s a damn shame) If that’s the case, then you never knew a challenge when it presented itself. So how can I blame you? After all those who don’t desire the need of a challenge nor put themselves in challenging situations never advance, nor do they understand what it’s like to be a true champion when or ‘if’ their time ever comes. They’re simply just the people that reached level ninety-nine with all four limit breaks in Final Fantasy 7 by the time they first met Aerith… (We all know that shit doesn’t happen without Game Shark!! OUCH)
Cause let’s face it, I got better things to do with my time that tag up with Justin O Neal and Kid not so Krazy, (Spelt with two Z’s, mind you. Holy shit, let’s not forget to put the emphasis on how Krazzy that is) Much like how these two wasted fifteen minutes each of my time last week, this weak Seth wants me to share my newly found spotlight with the both of them (Johnny jerks his hand in a back and forth motion as if to say ‘beat off and suck it, bitch’)
I swear the gracious owner of WCF must be hitting that same meth pipe that Que Ball was hitting backstage. Given the situation though, I never stop performing, it’s not in my nature. I mean, at first I said fuck it. I thought about it and figured maybe I’d make one or two comments, but as stated previously… the nature of the beast inside me doesn’t allow me to do that. Will I show up, you bet your ass I will. Do I even give a damn (Trust me, no fucks are given) not really!
I guess I can let the kids in this match-up ride the wave of the more dominant partner. My advice, tag along fellas, because you two teaming with Johnny is a luxury that not many people have at this point. Keep your mouths closed and your ears open. Watch how I do this, and you just may learn something… (Johnny gives a thumbs up directly into the camera while also giving a wink of the eye)
Now moving on, we talk about this annoying asshole who calls himself the 6Ix God. First off all it was only a matter of time before people mentioned my loss to the ‘Queen Of The South’ knock-off Alessanda, but you must have bumped your fuckin’ head, buddy. If you remember what happened in that match you would know how it went down. I whooped her ass all over the arena floor until her lesbian sidekick pulled a cheap shot and did me in. It’s okay, I’m used to getting jumped by two females (I prefer to call it double-dutch) Only I like to get jumped by them in the bedroom if you get what I’m saying.
Secondly, fall off ‘Drake’s’ nuts, because he was Six God first. I actually find it kinda’ lame that you would copy your slogan off of a Canadian rapper who seems to have suspicions of being a homo-thug. However, I guess that’s what it comes to when you’re a homo yourself. What I wanna’ know though, Alessandra made mention in our match about me being unoriginal… Is there anything about you original at all (Unoriginal Fuck). I mean, first you wanna use a title a gay Canadian Rapper used and then you wanna’ mention the first thing anyone would wanna’ mention about me… my loss to Alessandra. I don’t see the originality anywhere in anything you said. Once again, I can’t cure mental retardation… (I heard Chuck Norris can though)
Although, as unoriginal as you are, because believe me… I have already heard it all. The plays off my last name, the comments on the tattoos, you somewhat did humor me. However, not as much as your promotional banners. I mean, I bet you pay whatever lame ass loser good money to make those MS Paint banners for you, am I right. Shit, my daughter is only 3 months old and she could spin up something in a rag better than what your marketing team comes up with. The only type of a crowd you’re attracting with that promotion is pre-schoolers and autistic kids. Which, what does that say for you?
Fucking Fisher Price Graphics… (YUCK)
I originally hinted at the fact that you may like the company of another man… but, christ. I never thought preyed on small children. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found you on a sex offender list (wasn’t that one of Que Ball’s specialties… OUCH) I mean, you call yourself a main eventer, but your marketing team sells you as more a fuckin’ jobber than my partners.
Let’s just look at your appearance. You think the face-paint strikes fear into people? You talk about my theme music… I think I seen you in that video? #REALLYDOE Yet again, the facepaint is just another fuckin’ clique to your already washed up personality and gimmick. Shit is so unimpressive it’s like watching grass grow (cause really who in TF has time to do all that) You wanna’ be an American Horror Story or some type of crazy little creature that goes bump in the night? Well, I’m on a role with killing wrestlers and sending them to the next dimension. I might just be able to help you along on your journey to a hauntful after-life? Who knows, maybe after I kill you, the next time we might just see you is on an episode of Ghost Adventures (thumbs up)
There is really only one thing that I can agree on with that fuck load of rambling bullshit you spewed. I’m sure Seth doesn’t expect my team to win. Thank you for stating something that was so fucking clear it was like FIJI water. Thanks again, Captian Fuckin’ Obvious! We know what this match is about. It’s about trying to bury rookies (not me, I assure you), hyping up the Alpha Championship match for Helloween and trying to push your faction as something strong. Really, once again… Seth must have been sitting at his office desk hitting that fuckin’ crack pipe when this not so clever concept came into his mind?
In reality, he doesn’t make you look dominant at all in this match. He makes your team look more week than adding an’ eighth day after Sunday (think about it… I’ll wait…) Where the fuck is your credibility in beating me and two people who should really be thrown on the unemployment line? The funny thing is, I don’t wanna’ be anything like you. I’m fine being eactly who I am unlike you. I don’t need to paint half of my face and throw on a fuckin’ facade. People like you need that because of your insecurities. So, Seth hating me? (possibly, but you added a fuck that I didn’t give) you might have some type of water to hold on that comment. However, don’t think for a second that you’re going to have an easy time with Johnny Evil… cause you’re not!
Shit ain’t a day of the dead parade amigo. I can wipe that stupid ass half-skull you have painted on your face just as quick as I can wipe that arrogant ass smirk off of it. Much like I’m not worried about this match, I’m not worried about you, because in my eyes… you are just another non-fucking factor. The only reason I’m wasting precious time to acknowledge the tiniest bit of this shit that you said is because it’s always good to entertain and interact with the handicapped. It gives me a good image. So while your in that special needs class eating the paste from the paste jar and making turkeys on colored construction paper by tracing your hand just remember one thing… Johnny only gave you some type of mention because just as ‘Evil’ as people may try paint him to be with plays off of his name (I swear I’m not Evil, Trust Me) He is still an all around good guy when it comes to people who are challenged…
Challenged in this business…
Challenged in this sport…
Challenged at marketing…
Most of all challenged at being original…
By the way, just a side note that I thought I may use for kicks. Jared Holmes, you kinda’ remind me of a guy who would leave a company....(Most likely this one) Join an entirely new company and become World Champion there…( IDK UCI possibly) Finally lose World Championship in said company… Piss and moan (Throw a bitch fit, really) Quit said company and return back to the former... (AYYYYYEEEE)
With that said, this week I hope you’re ready to ‘fade to Black, Howard the duck’?
Enough about face painted has beens who really think they could hurt my feelz. It’s time to talk about someone else. Ladies and gentlemen, or lads an’ lasses of The Evil Minion Nation I give you…
EXHIBIT A:
(No… No… No)
EXHIBIT B:
(SMH, WTF)
And finally…
EXHIBIT C:
(WOW!)
See. I’m not gonna’ say much about Johnny Rabid. The facial expressions say enough in my book. I mean that little photo album right there could simply be titled… The many times Johnny Rabid had his manhood taken from him. That shit right there is priceless, but for anything else there’s Mastercard, I guess?
Let’s face it, whatever you accomplished… this far outweighs all. Rabid will always been known to me as the man who caught a load of Ecto Jizz to the face. People weren’t being serious when they said ‘The new Ghostbusters reboot was going to be awful, you’re just gonna’ have to take it on the chin’. I guess to each their own though?
See, the funny thing is… I’m still getting warmed up, son. It’s about eight o’ clock in morning and I swear to a higher power you can not make this shit up. I mean, here I am half asleep… (I really just woke up to send a cock pic to someone, which will probably go viral?) Still I decided to eat the breakfast of champions and feast on two rookies which are my partners and three established veterans. This is why Seth needs people like me brought into the company. It’s to keep people like Johnny Rabid and Jared Holmes on their feet. Sure, this should be a squash match for them due to me teaming with Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber, but at least I can show my partners how to handle business.
(I didn’t even have my coffee yet, but trust me what I’m saying is still filled with some LOL’s… Really tho’)
Long live ‘Pantheon’, I guess? Which is ironically funny in a genuine way… because if you’re feeling a bit salty, you might as well take your ass to church. If you ain’t got time for that, I just hope you got your lucky ‘Crow’s’ foot to help God at least grant you some sort of serenity?
As for Wade Moor. I won’t bore you with the Duck Dynasty comments which are probably just as unoriginal as the bullshit that Holmes spoke about me. I mean, nobody wants to hear the same shit over and over unless you’re a member of Pantheon… then you get your rocks off by recycling the same played out shit your partner just used. I swear these guys sit around and circle jerk each other while coming up with material for their next match.
I mean, I don’t really know much about you Wade, so I’ll keep this as short and sweet as possible. With that said… ladies and gentlemen...
Chum Lee from Pawn Stars… (Just Sayin’)
**With a wink of the eye from Johnny Evil, the scene fades to black…**
(... Howard Black, meaning complete nothingness)
Carefully stepping over the garbage that fills the alley as he passes it’s your typical grungy ghetto setting. Old tarnished grafitti layers the back alley wall. The sound of the drizzling rain drops hitting the steel cat-walk is heard vividly during this late night hour. Looking to the side, he examines the cardboard box homes of those less fortunate than himself.
He focuses on one of the bums hovered over the trash can fire keeping his hands warm...
Evil: “Hey buddy, how would you like to make a few bucks?”
The bum looks at him as his eyes open wide with excitement. Pulling his hands from over the fire and straightening out his fingerless gloves, the bum itches his neck before responding.
Bum: “Money… what do I gotta’ do? I got these cheeseburgers, man… I’ll suck ya---”
Johnny puts his hand up almost mushing the bum in the face as he cuts him off.
Evil: “No, nothing sexual. I’m not Jared Holmes… I don’t perfer the company of other men!”
The bum shrugs with a look across his face as if to state he thought it was a good idea. Johnny on the other hand backs up a bit and looks at him in a crazy manner.
Evil: “So that’s how people make it when they live of this streets in today’s society, huh?”
Johnny smirks as the camera zooms in taking complete notice of his facial expression…
Evil: “I guess we all know how Jason O Neal can make some money after I send him into early retirement at Helloween?” (Johnny chuckles it off) “At least I know I won’t leave that arrogant fuck with no talent homeless than, so at least that’s one thing to feel better about…”
The bum stares at Johnny Evil with a blank and dull expression…
Evil: “Oh yea, so all you gotta’ do to make this money is ask me a few questions about my upcoming wrestling match this week.”
Bum: “But, I don’t even have a television man, I don’t know anything but this alley.”
Evil: “That’s sad, it really is…”
Johnny stands back and thinks for a moment.
Evil: “Don’t worry about all that, I just give you a couple details and we can wing it. The match isn’t that important anyway.”
Bum: “Okay… I guess that can work, man?”
Evil: “Of course it will. So, the details are I got a three on three match coming up. I’m teamed with two people who to be frank and clique about shit, they don’t quite cut the mustard.”
Bum: “Sounds easy enough…”
Evil: “Yeah, it is. All you gotta do is ask me what my thoughts are on my next match, the rest should come natural… But do me a favor, stop fuckin’ itching yourself. It looks unprofessional on camera!”
Feeling embarrassed the bum stops itching himself. The camera zooms in on the bum as he asks the question.
Bum: “So what are your thoughts on this upcoming match?”
Evil gets in a deep train of thought, rubbing his finger across his chin as if he’s a scolar thinking of a difficult answer to a quesion. Once he removes his finger from his chin he responds as the camera pans directly on him..
Evil: “Bruh, I’m not even showing up.”
Bum: “Why da’ hell not??”
Evil: “Because, I’m going to pull a no show. I’m going to arrive to the arena an hour late and forget my gym bag!”
The bum thinks for a moment…
Bum: “Maybe you could still compete, doe’?”
With an arrogant and not worrying smirk, Johnny snaps back…
Evil: “Nope not even gonna’ try.”
Bum: “Try, you gonna’ have ta’?”
Evil: “Nope… not a chance. I got better shit to do with my time then to show up to WCF and tag with two other people I just mopped the floor with!”
Bum: “If ya don’t have dat’ match, people won’t never gonna throw no respek on ya’ name?”
Johnny gets confused after hearing this. It makes Johnny so confused he stumbles backward almost losing his balance.
Evil: “Respek, what is that a fuckin’ herb or a spice? Honestly, I don’t really prefer all those seasonings anymore. My poor belly can’t handle that stuff anymore. I’d be shitting my brains out for like a week.”
Bum: “No respek… You know dat thing you tend to gain when you step inna’ company an’ start fuckin’ shit up!”
Johnny gives a shrug of the shoulders…
Evil: “Thought I just did that?” (Johnny thinks a moment longer) “Wait, R-E-S-P-E-C-T or R-E-S-P-E-K?”
Bum: “Hell if I know…”
Evil: “Christ, you dyslexic fuck. You’re like an ebonics dictionary!”
Bum: “Well when you from dah’ hood, all you gonna’ know iz da slang…”
Evil begins to rub his head as if he’s in pain as he looks down at the ground before snapping his head back up and putting his hand in front of the bums face.
Evil: “Please, stop!! You’re giving me a fuckin’ headache. I know slang, I use slang and that isn’t slang! That’s just plain ol’ mental retardation talkin’.” (Stopping his thoughts for a second, Johnny leans forward and examines the bums features a bit before bringing up another topic) “Plus, why are your lips so chapped up? You sure you weren’t pulling a Tyrone Biggums and hittin’ a crack-pipe back here before I found you?" (Johnny sniffs the air a few times and then leans forward a sniffs the bums jacket) "ughhhhh….”
Evil: “Bruh’, you ever heard of soap?”
Bum: “What’s soap?”
Evil: “SOAP… you know, the thing you use to clean and wash your ass!”
Bum: “You wash that thing?”
Evil: (Johnny shakes his head in disbelief) “Nevermind, I think I can do this promo a bit better interviewing myself. Be the fuck gone with you!!”
Bum: “Well what about the money you said that you were going to pay me, man?”
Evil: “Fuck…" (Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small wad of cash) "here man, get some clothes and some deodorant.”
Bum: “Yeah, yeah you’re right… I’m sure Nino down the street got that.”
Evil: “No, we all know what Nino down the street has, and it sure as hell isn’t soap. Nice try though Tyrone Biggums, you may go.”
In humility the bum lowers his head and begins to walk out of the cameras view, looking at the wad of money that Johnny just handed him.
Evil: “Now, it’s time to give you an epic promo that only Johnny Evil is capable of…” (Johnny Evil gives a wink)
Evil: “Who the fuck am I kidding, I’m not even going all in, because Jason O Neal still hasn’t learned to respect his surperiors. Dude got outshined last week, had an excuse and he still thinks he’s better than me… so why in the fuck would I wanna’ help that douchebag put a win on his record?”
Evil: “Anyway, whatever I’m saying here, it isn’t for Jason No Deal O Neal or Kid Krazzy, it’s simply for the enterainment of all my Evil Minion Nation!”
Evil: “So, here it goes…”
---
Look, I don’t even care about this match, because let’s face it.... Seth did this to draw some hype toward this Alpha Championship gauntlet. This week he half expects three people who tried to tear each other apart to team up against some people who have a little bit of history in he WCF. I’m sure that’s not his intentions, because he knows shit is going to explode and get outta’ hand. I mean, (Johnny gives a quick shrug of the shoulders) why would I want to team with the same people I beat up last week? Shit almost makes me feel like not showing. It’s the other two people on my team that need the warm-up for Helloween, not me. If anyone needs to get their fuckin’ level up it’s my partners, not me. In my first match, I already showed that I could walk in, lazy as fuck… (Johnny shakes his head to put some emphasis on what he’s stating) and still get the job done.
In fact, my first match here and I can sense the butthurt is pretty strong in one person in particular. Jason O’Neal got a little too confident last week and considered himself to be in the ‘easiest battle royal ever’. Shit O Neal, if that was you stepping into something easy… I’d hate to see what in the fuck happens to you when you fight the Jayson Price’s or the Corey Black’s of this company. To be honest, Seth might be better off just sticking your ass in dark matches for the rest of your career. Who knows, you might give some of these jobbers that don’t get any recognition a run for their money. (Johnny smirks at this point with a confident and sarcastically playful chuckle) Who knows, you might even get a couple wins under your belt in doing so?
One things for sure, we damn sure know that you can’t distinguish the difference between easy and hard. I bet you were that kid growing up who had to bust out the cheat codes and Game Shark for every single video game you played. (Johnny starts to shake his head at this moment, as if to say ‘that’s a damn shame) If that’s the case, then you never knew a challenge when it presented itself. So how can I blame you? After all those who don’t desire the need of a challenge nor put themselves in challenging situations never advance, nor do they understand what it’s like to be a true champion when or ‘if’ their time ever comes. They’re simply just the people that reached level ninety-nine with all four limit breaks in Final Fantasy 7 by the time they first met Aerith… (We all know that shit doesn’t happen without Game Shark!! OUCH)
Cause let’s face it, I got better things to do with my time that tag up with Justin O Neal and Kid not so Krazy, (Spelt with two Z’s, mind you. Holy shit, let’s not forget to put the emphasis on how Krazzy that is) Much like how these two wasted fifteen minutes each of my time last week, this weak Seth wants me to share my newly found spotlight with the both of them (Johnny jerks his hand in a back and forth motion as if to say ‘beat off and suck it, bitch’)
I swear the gracious owner of WCF must be hitting that same meth pipe that Que Ball was hitting backstage. Given the situation though, I never stop performing, it’s not in my nature. I mean, at first I said fuck it. I thought about it and figured maybe I’d make one or two comments, but as stated previously… the nature of the beast inside me doesn’t allow me to do that. Will I show up, you bet your ass I will. Do I even give a damn (Trust me, no fucks are given) not really!
I guess I can let the kids in this match-up ride the wave of the more dominant partner. My advice, tag along fellas, because you two teaming with Johnny is a luxury that not many people have at this point. Keep your mouths closed and your ears open. Watch how I do this, and you just may learn something… (Johnny gives a thumbs up directly into the camera while also giving a wink of the eye)
Now moving on, we talk about this annoying asshole who calls himself the 6Ix God. First off all it was only a matter of time before people mentioned my loss to the ‘Queen Of The South’ knock-off Alessanda, but you must have bumped your fuckin’ head, buddy. If you remember what happened in that match you would know how it went down. I whooped her ass all over the arena floor until her lesbian sidekick pulled a cheap shot and did me in. It’s okay, I’m used to getting jumped by two females (I prefer to call it double-dutch) Only I like to get jumped by them in the bedroom if you get what I’m saying.
Secondly, fall off ‘Drake’s’ nuts, because he was Six God first. I actually find it kinda’ lame that you would copy your slogan off of a Canadian rapper who seems to have suspicions of being a homo-thug. However, I guess that’s what it comes to when you’re a homo yourself. What I wanna’ know though, Alessandra made mention in our match about me being unoriginal… Is there anything about you original at all (Unoriginal Fuck). I mean, first you wanna use a title a gay Canadian Rapper used and then you wanna’ mention the first thing anyone would wanna’ mention about me… my loss to Alessandra. I don’t see the originality anywhere in anything you said. Once again, I can’t cure mental retardation… (I heard Chuck Norris can though)
Although, as unoriginal as you are, because believe me… I have already heard it all. The plays off my last name, the comments on the tattoos, you somewhat did humor me. However, not as much as your promotional banners. I mean, I bet you pay whatever lame ass loser good money to make those MS Paint banners for you, am I right. Shit, my daughter is only 3 months old and she could spin up something in a rag better than what your marketing team comes up with. The only type of a crowd you’re attracting with that promotion is pre-schoolers and autistic kids. Which, what does that say for you?
Fucking Fisher Price Graphics… (YUCK)
I originally hinted at the fact that you may like the company of another man… but, christ. I never thought preyed on small children. I wouldn’t be surprised if we found you on a sex offender list (wasn’t that one of Que Ball’s specialties… OUCH) I mean, you call yourself a main eventer, but your marketing team sells you as more a fuckin’ jobber than my partners.
Let’s just look at your appearance. You think the face-paint strikes fear into people? You talk about my theme music… I think I seen you in that video? #REALLYDOE Yet again, the facepaint is just another fuckin’ clique to your already washed up personality and gimmick. Shit is so unimpressive it’s like watching grass grow (cause really who in TF has time to do all that) You wanna’ be an American Horror Story or some type of crazy little creature that goes bump in the night? Well, I’m on a role with killing wrestlers and sending them to the next dimension. I might just be able to help you along on your journey to a hauntful after-life? Who knows, maybe after I kill you, the next time we might just see you is on an episode of Ghost Adventures (thumbs up)
There is really only one thing that I can agree on with that fuck load of rambling bullshit you spewed. I’m sure Seth doesn’t expect my team to win. Thank you for stating something that was so fucking clear it was like FIJI water. Thanks again, Captian Fuckin’ Obvious! We know what this match is about. It’s about trying to bury rookies (not me, I assure you), hyping up the Alpha Championship match for Helloween and trying to push your faction as something strong. Really, once again… Seth must have been sitting at his office desk hitting that fuckin’ crack pipe when this not so clever concept came into his mind?
In reality, he doesn’t make you look dominant at all in this match. He makes your team look more week than adding an’ eighth day after Sunday (think about it… I’ll wait…) Where the fuck is your credibility in beating me and two people who should really be thrown on the unemployment line? The funny thing is, I don’t wanna’ be anything like you. I’m fine being eactly who I am unlike you. I don’t need to paint half of my face and throw on a fuckin’ facade. People like you need that because of your insecurities. So, Seth hating me? (possibly, but you added a fuck that I didn’t give) you might have some type of water to hold on that comment. However, don’t think for a second that you’re going to have an easy time with Johnny Evil… cause you’re not!
Shit ain’t a day of the dead parade amigo. I can wipe that stupid ass half-skull you have painted on your face just as quick as I can wipe that arrogant ass smirk off of it. Much like I’m not worried about this match, I’m not worried about you, because in my eyes… you are just another non-fucking factor. The only reason I’m wasting precious time to acknowledge the tiniest bit of this shit that you said is because it’s always good to entertain and interact with the handicapped. It gives me a good image. So while your in that special needs class eating the paste from the paste jar and making turkeys on colored construction paper by tracing your hand just remember one thing… Johnny only gave you some type of mention because just as ‘Evil’ as people may try paint him to be with plays off of his name (I swear I’m not Evil, Trust Me) He is still an all around good guy when it comes to people who are challenged…
Challenged in this business…
Challenged in this sport…
Challenged at marketing…
Most of all challenged at being original…
By the way, just a side note that I thought I may use for kicks. Jared Holmes, you kinda’ remind me of a guy who would leave a company....(Most likely this one) Join an entirely new company and become World Champion there…( IDK UCI possibly) Finally lose World Championship in said company… Piss and moan (Throw a bitch fit, really) Quit said company and return back to the former... (AYYYYYEEEE)
With that said, this week I hope you’re ready to ‘fade to Black, Howard the duck’?
Enough about face painted has beens who really think they could hurt my feelz. It’s time to talk about someone else. Ladies and gentlemen, or lads an’ lasses of The Evil Minion Nation I give you…
EXHIBIT A:
(No… No… No)
EXHIBIT B:
(SMH, WTF)
And finally…
EXHIBIT C:
(WOW!)
See. I’m not gonna’ say much about Johnny Rabid. The facial expressions say enough in my book. I mean that little photo album right there could simply be titled… The many times Johnny Rabid had his manhood taken from him. That shit right there is priceless, but for anything else there’s Mastercard, I guess?
Let’s face it, whatever you accomplished… this far outweighs all. Rabid will always been known to me as the man who caught a load of Ecto Jizz to the face. People weren’t being serious when they said ‘The new Ghostbusters reboot was going to be awful, you’re just gonna’ have to take it on the chin’. I guess to each their own though?
See, the funny thing is… I’m still getting warmed up, son. It’s about eight o’ clock in morning and I swear to a higher power you can not make this shit up. I mean, here I am half asleep… (I really just woke up to send a cock pic to someone, which will probably go viral?) Still I decided to eat the breakfast of champions and feast on two rookies which are my partners and three established veterans. This is why Seth needs people like me brought into the company. It’s to keep people like Johnny Rabid and Jared Holmes on their feet. Sure, this should be a squash match for them due to me teaming with Harry and Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber, but at least I can show my partners how to handle business.
(I didn’t even have my coffee yet, but trust me what I’m saying is still filled with some LOL’s… Really tho’)
Long live ‘Pantheon’, I guess? Which is ironically funny in a genuine way… because if you’re feeling a bit salty, you might as well take your ass to church. If you ain’t got time for that, I just hope you got your lucky ‘Crow’s’ foot to help God at least grant you some sort of serenity?
As for Wade Moor. I won’t bore you with the Duck Dynasty comments which are probably just as unoriginal as the bullshit that Holmes spoke about me. I mean, nobody wants to hear the same shit over and over unless you’re a member of Pantheon… then you get your rocks off by recycling the same played out shit your partner just used. I swear these guys sit around and circle jerk each other while coming up with material for their next match.
I mean, I don’t really know much about you Wade, so I’ll keep this as short and sweet as possible. With that said… ladies and gentlemen...
Chum Lee from Pawn Stars… (Just Sayin’)
**With a wink of the eye from Johnny Evil, the scene fades to black…**
(... Howard Black, meaning complete nothingness)
