Clowns and Rabbits, Chairs and Championships (TV Title)

[Teo Blaze]

One way or another, we always get what we deserve.

A blinding flash of light greets the viewer as the scene slowly fades into existence. An idyllic forest scene opens up, bright foliage in the typical autumn orange, red, and pink. But the viewer’s eyes are immediately drawn not to the calm scene, but with a flash of white, a rabbit, fleeing for its life down the path. A look of apprehension and fear tattooed across its face, it hurtles down the path, eyes darting over its shoulders.

Alas, fate is cruel, and the beast’s distraction serves as a momentary lapse, and though only a second, a root trips the creature up, and it falls to the ground, helpless. It looks up as a shadowy figure slowly appears, standing over the helpless creature. Yellow eyes glint with hunger as the rabbit cowers. Slowly but surely, the creature reaches out…

And grabs the bowl of cereal from out of his hands.

Child’s Voice: Silly Rabbit! Trix are for-

The child’s voice is then cut out by a smack of steel as a chair collides with the back of their head. Stars appear around the child’s head as he falls limply to the ground, and the familiar red-lensed face of Teddy Blaze steps out into frame. With a smile he picks up the fallen confection and tosses the bowl to the stunned rabbit.

Teddy Blaze: You know I’ve always wanted to do that.

A voice rings out from offscreen as Blaze leans against a tree.

Director: Cut! Hey! Who do you think you are coming onto my set-

Blaze hurls the chair off camera where another metallic clang and a shout of pain can be heard.

Blaze: Shut the hell up. My name is Teddy Blaze, WCF Internet Champion. I was asked today to participate in a commercial for WAR, one of the most celebrated WCF events.

Well, if there’s one thing you know about WCF and about me? It’s that we don’t take part…

We take over.

So rather than taking part in our regularly scheduled service announcement, I decided to come to you today exactly how your parents wouldn’t want.

So sit back and enjoy, kids, because I’m going to tell you the story. I know you’ll like it too, because it stars a clown!

A security guard appears behind Blaze with his arms extended, but without looking away Blaze slams a kick into his midsection, and he stumbles offscreen clutching his stomach. The rabbit has to let out a snicker at that.

Blaze: Once upon a time there was a sad little man named Gemini Battle. He was very sad because he wanted to be a wrestler. But every time Gemini Battle would step into the ring, he would get beaten up by someone bigger, stronger, or smarter.

He tried all sorts of tricks and gimmicks to win his matches- he tried being a magician, and was really good at it. Every time he had a championship, he would make it disappear! He tried being a trained monkey for a big bad Ogre named Thomas Bates, but the Ogre hit him over the head and stole his toys.

Blaze elicits an exaggerated shrug of sympathy, but his smile betrays his real feelings on that match.

Blaze: Yes, Gemini Battle was really a loser. He found himself trying again and again to break his old habits, to pull out some trick that would change his fortune. Then, finally, inspiration struck him!

He would make people laugh! He would buy a clown make-up kit from the dollar store and he would use his talents to make people smile! After all, everybody loves a clown! So he put together his finest smiley face and he walked out to that ring, losing matches wherever he went!

But now kids, they wouldn’t boo Gemini Battle, they would laugh!

Everybody would laugh at Gemini Battle.

But then, Gemini Battle found himself in a weird position. After all, everybody was laughing at him, so that meant that he could win the greatest comedy prize in all of the world, the Internet Title.

After all, he had seen people like Zombie McMorris or Alex Richards hold it, and they were funny. Look at how much people were laughing every time he would lose a match, he must be doing something right!

So he put on his greasepaint and he walked to the ring, ready to make the people laugh again.

As Blaze speaks, he slowly walks towards the fallen security guard, reaching behind a tree and pulling out another concealed chair.

Blaze: And do you know what happened to our hero, kids?

Blaze smiles a winning smile as he looks directly at the camera from behind the red lenses.

Blaze: He got his fucking skull caved in.

With that he slams the chair offscreen where another crack and shout of pain can be heard from the security guard. The rabbit takes this opportunity to run offscreen.

Blaze: I’m sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, kids, but there is no Santa Claus, there is no Tooth Fairy, that wasn’t a back massager you found in Mommy’s Drawer, and losers like Gemini Battle don’t get to win championships just because their stories are sad.

Oh sure, they can have their moments of glory. They can sneak up on people in multi-man gangbangs and hit them with their finisher. They can even ride their tag team partner’s coattails to the world championship!

But it doesn’t make them Cinderella. There is no fairy godmother that’s going to take Gemini Battle to the ball. Not this time, Gemini.

Here’s a fun fact for you, kids. Gemini Battle has never won a championship by himself. Oh I’m serious, look it up. He won the United States Title in a triple threat, he won the world title in Ultimate Showdown, and do I really have to explain the Trios Titles?

And do you know why? It’s because Gemini Battle can’t get the job done on his own! Gemini Battle has to rely on other people to carry him to victory!

That Showdown match was a joke, too. Bates eliminated Brent Alpine and Zombie McMorris, then as soon as he stands up, Gemini kneed him in the head. Gemini spent the whole match attacking people after they had scored eliminations, he showed just what a coward he is. It’s hardly surprising that he won the world title, considering he spent most of the match cowering.

Don’t worry though, the very first thing he did after winning that world title? He showed the world just how much of a fluke it was when I put him down for a three count.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. That’s the part of the story that Gemini doesn’t want me to talk about, the part he doesn’t want to acknowledge. That when it came down to one on one, no tricks, no bullshit distractions…he couldn’t do it.

He, like so many before him, felt the Blazing knee and he went down. If the title had been on the line that night, I would be your world champion.

But that’s not the story Gemini wants to tell, is it? He wants to talk about how he won the TV title from a group of hungry contenders.

Except…whoopsie! Gemini didn’t win the TV Title now did he? No, he had to be handed the Television Championship by his former tag team partner.

Gemini Battle is such a worm, such a cockroach of a human being that when his former best friend, his mentor, his brother takes away his world championship.

Embarasses him in front of the world and shows the entire planet just what a goddamned FLUKE that Gemini Battle’s showdown victory was…

Then simply turns around and hands Gemini a consolation prize, doesn’t even do Gemini the decency of putting the title on the line.

And what is Gemini’s response? “Thank you Thomas”

Are you kidding me? Am I on a hidden camera show? Has the world gone so topsy turvy that this is the kind of behavior that is acceptable from our Television Champion?

The Television Title is the title meant for the hardest working men in this company. You have to put the belt on the line Every. Single. Week. When I won the Television Championship, from no less than Jonny Fly, a surefire hall of famer, I had to defend it against a stacked deck in Los Tiburones in every type of match imaginable. I threw myself off of cages and I took title shots to the face! I was beaten and battered by Beach Krew at every turn, but I managed to hold that title in a feud of the year, and this! This is the nonsense that I put myself through it all for?

This is the bullshit, Gemini? To be handed the Television Championship like some kind of carnival prize? To just simply pick it up like a used condom and to be proud! To be over the moon with joy!

Blaze reaches behind the tree and pulls out the Internet Championship, holding it towards the camera.

Blaze: Listen here you painted moron, you little conniving, conceited, worm! Of a man. People Always! Get what they deserve. You have set yourself up for a fall with the way that you have treated these championships. You think the Internet Title is a joke, you say you want to be internet champion and then you hurl insults at me for fighting you on a computer screen.

You mock the very voices that you seek to represent! You act like you’re better than every single person who ever sat down behind a laptop and you do it from behind a laptop!

This title, Gemini, you don’t see it as a prestigious prize to be won, you don’t see the sacrifice, the dedication that people like Zombie McMorris, like Alex Richards, like Scarecrow or Jay Price put in to take this from a sideshow prize to one of the most respected championships in the history of the WCF!

When you look at this prize, Gemini, all you see is another shiny apple. Another thing that you can steal so that you can etch your name in the record books.

That’s how I was able to lure you in, Gemini. I promised you a shiny crown, a brand new title to put in your trophy case, and your eyes got wide with gold. You saw yourself holding the belt over your head and celebrating your victory, because that’s all you ever do.

Then at the very first chance you had, the instant! That you began to realize just how hard it is to fight for this prize, you began to get cynical. You began to poke fun, to criticize not only me, but every! Man or woman who has ever held this championship.

When you took it upon yourself to insult this title, you made this personal, Gemini. I was looking forward to embarrassing you for what you did to me at Ultimate Showdown, to bashing your skull in with this championship, with letting your blood decorate it before I pinned your broken carcass!

But now? Now I’m going a step further. Now Gemini I’m going to teach you a lesson. When we step into that ring at WAR, I am not just going to make you bleed…

I’m going to make you cry.

I’m going to make you call out for mercy, to issue forth the apology that you owe every! Single WCF fan that you betrayed when you let Thomas Bates hand you that television title. And then, when every bone in your body cries out in agony, when every muscle is torn…

Then, and only then Gemini am I going to let you leave.

That. is when you realize just how badly you have fucked up.

Blaze drops the chair and walks off the set, patting the rabbit on the head on his way out.