FPV is WAR I: In Your Honor...
Sept 25, 2016 14:12:21 GMT -5
Lilith, Shay McKay, and 1 more like this
Post by FPV on Sept 25, 2016 14:12:21 GMT -5
FPV is WAR I: In Your Honor...
It was hard to imagine back then, in March of 2011, just what my little excursion back into the wrestling business would entail. The things I would accomplish, the people I’d meet, and all the belts that I would go on to win. Back then it was hard to imagine any of that would happen. Shit, it was tough to even imagine winning my first match with WCF. I hadn’t been in the business for a hot minute, quitting after floundering in indy promotion after indy promotion. No one gave a shit about Frank Venable, because no promoter would give Frank Venable a chance. After a while, it got to me, and I gave up. Told myself I was hanging up my boots for good and that I would never step foot in a ring again.
Funny how true Al Pacino was when he “just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.” A few years after my exile began and I was already back at it, waiting in the Gorilla Position for Slam, nervous as a fucking junkie. I remember everything about that weekend, getting ready for my first Slam. I remember my opponent “The Hardcore Redneck” John Thomas, I remember talking with my lawyer Jeff Blume about my plans, phoning up my old buddie Clint about his pizza shop to calm my nerves, hell I even remember how I stayed up the night before my match, too excited to fall asleep. Or was I nervous? Probably both, in all honesty.
But the one thing I remember most was right before I went out, I was doing some stretching in the locker room, no one bothering me, no Jonny Nova to guide me through how the “big shows” feel. I was completely by myself. That is, until a large man, jovial and with a warm, welcoming expression on his bearded face, came to talk to me. At the time my knowledge on WCF alumni was admittedly not that great, I only knew this man as the color commentator for Slam, but to any other person, this was none other than the reverend Bobby Cairo himself, come to check up on the new talent.
Funny how true Al Pacino was when he “just when I think I’m out, they pull me back in.” A few years after my exile began and I was already back at it, waiting in the Gorilla Position for Slam, nervous as a fucking junkie. I remember everything about that weekend, getting ready for my first Slam. I remember my opponent “The Hardcore Redneck” John Thomas, I remember talking with my lawyer Jeff Blume about my plans, phoning up my old buddie Clint about his pizza shop to calm my nerves, hell I even remember how I stayed up the night before my match, too excited to fall asleep. Or was I nervous? Probably both, in all honesty.
But the one thing I remember most was right before I went out, I was doing some stretching in the locker room, no one bothering me, no Jonny Nova to guide me through how the “big shows” feel. I was completely by myself. That is, until a large man, jovial and with a warm, welcoming expression on his bearded face, came to talk to me. At the time my knowledge on WCF alumni was admittedly not that great, I only knew this man as the color commentator for Slam, but to any other person, this was none other than the reverend Bobby Cairo himself, come to check up on the new talent.
Bobby Cairo: How’s it goin, champ! You ready for your big debut?
FPV: As ready as I’ll ever be. Can I be honest though?
Bobby Cairo: I’d be offended if you weren’t. What’s on your mind…Frank, is it?
FPV: Yup, that’s it. It’s just…I dunno, I guess I just have some first time jitters. I’ve never gone out in front of such a large crowd before. I don’t wanna go out there and fall flat on my face, you feel me?
Bobby Cairo: I feel you alright, and lemme tell you, it’s perfectly normal, what you’re feeling right now. Everyone feels it their first time out. Once they have a few matches under their belt then they begin to loosen up, and I’m sure it’ll be the same for you.
I did my best to look strong and confident in front of my new colleague, but he could probably tell just by looking at the single trickle of nervous sweat roll down the side of my face that I was a wreck. He had to. Yet that smile never left his face as he leaned in to whisper something in my ear.
Bobby Cairo: Y’know…if you need something to really help calm your nerves, follow me out to the back.
Next thing I remember is me and Robert H. Cairo smoking a joint out back behind the dumpsters of the River City Arena in Baton Rouge. Looking back at the whole thing, I should consider myself honored as fuck to have toked with such a well-respected connoisseur of both the squared circle and the kush. I’m by no means a regular smoker, only do it when it feels right, so naturally my tolerance was nice and low on this night. Shit hit me like a California wildfire in my throat. Any butterflies that had been in my gut had their wings plucked with every hit I took. In between the stupid jokes and the child-like giggling from me, Cairo regaled me with stories from back in the day.
Bobby Cairo: …so remember, no matter what anybody says, that match DID have a UFO involved. As well as Saddam Hussein. Anyone who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
FPV: I mean…why wouldn’t it? The match, I mean. Why wouldn’t it involve those things?
Bobby Cairo: Exactly. FINALLY someone understands.
FPV: Word.
Cairo quickly checked the time on his watch, noticing it was almost time for me to go out.
Bobby Cairo: Alright Mr. FPV, looks like the moment of truth is almost upon you.
FPV: Indeed. Before I go though, can I ask a favor of you? It may be a bit silly, but it’s worth a shot.
Bobby Cairo: Nothing is too silly for me, champ. What’s up?
FPV: Well…I have this buddy who lives in the area. Name’s Clint. He owns this little joint called “Clint’s Pizzeria” that could probably use a little boost in business. Do you think it would be at all possible to…I dunno, give him a shout out on the air?
Cairo flashed that Cheshire grin of his once again at me.
Bobby Cairo: Say no more. It shall be done.
One Five Hour Energy later and my first official match with WCF was underway. In hindsight, I dunno what I was so worried about. As far as first opponents go, John Thomas was a pretty good one to have because of how easy he was to beat. As stoned as I was, I still found it within myself to not only win the match but also win the hearts of the fans. The next week I was thrust into a triple threat Hardcore Title against Thomas and the not so dearly departed Greenfever. And what Cairo said was absolutely right, I didn’t step into that match the nervous wreck I had been in Baton Rouge, but a fired up fighter with a real chance to win some gold.
Something did bug me the week leading up to that triple threat, though. Did Cairo seriously plug my buddy’s pizzeria like I had asked him to? After a few days later my curiosity got the best of me, and I found the best version of Slam I could get online. Sure enough…
Bobby Cairo: Tonight’s Monday Night Slam is presented by Clint's Pizzeria! If you love homemade style pizza with a bit of zing, then you'll need to call Clint's Pizzeria! They deliver… the goods!
FPV: I’ll be fucked…he really is a man of his word.
So in a weird way, you could probably make the case that Cairo helped get my career in WCF on the right track on that night out behind the dumpsters, helping calm my nerves. And for that, with every title I win, every high profile match, every fan chanting my name during Slam, I will always be eternally grateful.
Notes From the Rafters
(In no particular order)
Henry Spearman:
What a poor guy, this Henry Spearman. Over 40 or so entrants and this guy’s the first one out. I’m immediately finding myself sympathizing with him because I went out first in the 2012 WAR match, I know how shitty that is. Course as far as I know Henry won’t have a match with Odin fuckin’ Balfore right before he’s set to go out, so he’s already got a much better chance then I had. If I’m being completely honest with myself, if you were gonna take any of this latest crop of new guys, stick em at number 1 and have them win the whole match, Henry’s the guy to do it. Dude’s got a solid 7-2 singles record and was WCF TV champ once upon a time, and from all accounts was a fightin’ champ. But more than any of that, you look at this guy’s story and you’re like “man, I want this guy to win!” Comin to peace with your inner demons is not an easy thing, and for Henry to have handled them as well as he has is outstanding. That’s why if I have to go up against him I’m going to have to be on my toes. The good thing about Spearman is that (true to his name) his finisher is just a regular old spear, nothing too original. If I can scout it out I can avoid it and certain doom. If I end up eliminating him I’ll probably be booed out of MSG, but I’m okay with that. Gotta do whatever it takes to win, even if that means taking out a favorite or two. P.S, it’s worth nothing Henry has this intense rivalry with Mikey eXtreme, the man who cost him the final spot. Normally I’d say if these two were together that hell would break loose, but considering how far apart they are I’d doubt they’ll interact unless Henry makes a DEEP run, which is totally possible. P.P.S, the guy’s #2 arch-enemy in life appears to be bees. Perhaps I should bring a licensed beekeeper with me to the ring?
Adam Young:
Ah, how good is it to see an old face. Even if that face is so ugly only a blind grandmother could tolerate it. That’s right, the bastard Adam Young is still employed by Seth. And from what I’ve been seeing of him on Slam he doesn’t appear to have changed all that much. Of note though was the fact that he opened up the September 11th Slam with a tribute to the victims of those awful attacks 15 years ago…before immediately claiming he’s going to “rescue WCF from the vermin who have infested this holy place.” To go from a stoic tribute to that in the same breath…I dunno, it just doesn’t sit well with me. But honestly I expect this kinda stuff from Adam. He can’t crack it in the ring so he’s gotta stir up controversy and talk himself up as “the most hated man in WCF.” I’m sorry Adam, but you’re not the most hated wrestler in the WCF. Now, “most famous jobber in WCF history”, that you most certainly are. Chances of an Adam young win: literally 0%.
Captain WCF:
Speaking of jokes…Jesus, man.
Captain.
Fookin’.
WCF.
*a few lines with nothing written*
*…*
Get the fook outta here.
Chief Tom-O-Hawk:
I feel bad that this guy’s been saddled with Captain WCF as the WCF Tag Team champions. These two guys have really devalued the belts, and it’s not even this guy’s fault. These two are just not compatible as partners at ALL. I’ve seen them compete on Slam and boy, was that a sad state of affairs. Considering how proud this man is, especially where his heritage is concerned, teaming this guy must really eat at him, cause he knows he can do so…much…better, but he can’t because he has to deal with Cap’s ineptitude in the ring. Shit, he could go solo and kill it. I could easily see this guy as a TV champion, or as People’s Champion. Boy, if he won that People’s Title and started trying to educate #ThePeople on the Cherokee Tribe, he could make a real name for himself and bring a lot of attention to important issues. But with Captain WCF? Never gonna happen. If the two of them get in the ring at the same time, honestly Tomohawk should turn on Cap right then and there, eliminate his ass and go solo. I think I can take him on if need be, but I think people really underestimate Tomohawk, and he can pull a upset if he decides to show the world what he’s made of.
Kidd Krazzy:
A newbie in the truest sense of the word. This guy looks like he got plucked right out of some random kid’s backyard and was signed to a contract right then and there. Wouldn’t surprise me, Seth has a loose grip on the well beings of other human beings, putting them in danger. Poor kid’s gonna accidentally cripple himself by trying to jump from the titantron into the ring as his entrance to “entertain the fans,” then he’ll try to launch his now paraplegic body from the top rope and get absolutely destroyed by everyone else. I mean, would YOU want your One Main Event to feature a paraplegic high flyer? I didn’t think so.
Jordan Nicolas Johnson:
Another fresh faced newbie at the tender age of 21 years old. First off this kid goes by his initials (JNJ) which as one of the fed’s predominant “initial dudes” I can always appreciate. Unlike Krazzy though, this kid doesn’t seem to have the same deathwish, wrestling a less aerial, more hard-hitting technical stuff. At his age that may actually serve him some good, give him a longer career down the line. Looking at his story is interesting too. It doesn’t appear as though young JNJ has had as tragic an upbringing as many others in WCF (unless you count constantly moving around due to your step-dad’s work as tragic.) He just seems like a hard workin dude looking to put his name on the map through sheer ability, which I will always have nothing but respect for. However, the odds are def stacked against him in his debut. He’s chosen the worst fucking pay-per-view to debut in, having to fend off the entire roster in one match in his first night in the fed. Plus he’s not been tested against a roster of the caliber that WCF has. I don’t think he’ll win, but unlike Kidd Krazzy I can totally see him doing some serious damage and making people pay attention to him. Shit, he does good enough I could totally see him in contention for CJ Phoenix’s Alpha Title.
Cliff of Doom:
We now go from two young up and comers to a 31-year-old man in the depths of the world’s most insane mid-life crisis. Cliff McManus must have SOME screws loose in his head to go from such a safe job as a teacher to putting his fucking body on the line in the name of living his dream as a wrestler. Although considering teachers make REALLY shit money and wrestlers can get rather wealthy, I’d have to assume something like that factored into his decision. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. Anyways, by all means this man should not be anyone to pay attention to. He’s older, his body isn’t used to being under this kind of stress, nevermind wrestling his high-flying offense, PLUS the strain of having a 9-to-5 job as a public school teacher. Despite all the odds, however…
…THIS…
…GUY…
…IS…
…UNDEFEATED.
Not only that, but ever since his debut he’s been wrestling in WCF’s trademark multi-man clusterfucks, and every time he’s come out on top. With a five person match there’s always chance for you to lose. Someone who isn’t can pin someone else who also isn’t you while you aren’t looking and steal the win right then and there. Yet Cliff has never fallen into that trap. While his opponents are distracted by arguing with each other over entrance music, Cliff has his eyes on the prize, and it always pays off. In this case, he may feel very comfortable in the WAR match, the biggest clusterfuck of them all. I have no idea why this comparison is always being made, but apparently Cliff reminds people of a guy named Wolf, who lasted OVER A FUCKING HOUR in last year’s WAR match. And if these comparisons are true…holy shit folks, we may see a sleeper pick to win the whole thing on our hands. I’mma have to stay weary of this guy in ring. Looks are very deceiving, and he may give me a run for my money.
Adrian Archer:
Ah yes, The Magnificent Bastard indeed. It’s funny, I was perusing the WCF website when I stumbled upon his roster page as I was doing research for the WAR match. I read his Bio, and a lot of it was very well-written, describing just what it means to be a magnificent bastard. Then I later found out almost the whole thing was copy/pasted from TV Tropes.
Whoops.
Anyway, Archer seems like a total contradiction to me. His bio claims that even in defeat he looks strong, and that nothing can phase him even if nothing is going his way…while at the same time he has been known to “have a nasty streak” when things don’t go his way? Huh? Am I reading that right? That doesn’t sound like those two things go together. However, this man DOES know a lot about the defeat. Unlike Cliff McManus, Adrian Archer has only won one match since Revenge. But what a truly magnificent victory it was. True to his “anything to get a win” mentality, dude used the old tap the mat and toss a chair tactic to steal a DQ win from Damian Kaine. That match, showed at the very least, that Adrian was true to his word when he said he’ll do anything to win. Considering there are no DQs in the WAR match though, I think that’ll give a big disadvantage to Adrian. If he’s managed to be contained in the ring and not allowed any offense, I don’t think he’ll be too much of a problem if I’m up against him. If he manages to grab hold of a weapon though, then all bets are off. He could get VERY dangerous if he has one.
Also side note: Damian Kaine was humiliated on live TV and after losing to Adrian, immediately challenged him to a Hardcore Cage Match…which is not on the card due to time constraints. Poor guy. I’m sure they’ll face off at Hellimination though, that would make sense. I predict if Damian is in the ring with Adrian he’ll go apeshit on him, and I’d pay good money to see that.
Zoey Ryback/Koola/Little Tornado:
So APPARENTLY a LOT of new people decided to sign with WCF right as WAR was about to start. I already said this about JNJ, but this is probably the worst week out of any week where you can make your debut, as going up against the entire roster in your first match can really be a trial by fire. There’s almost no information about any of these guys I can find. Koola is a tough SOB (news flash, so is everyone else in this federation), Zoey Ryback is “The Original Daughter of Destruction” and is apparently a punk chick, and Little Tornado had a rough childhood and thinks he’s God’s gift. That’s about it for all of these guys. While it’s possible one of them could pull a rabbit out of a hat, considering how much on a non-entity all three of them are I’d highly doubt it.
Doc Henry:
My old friend Doc Henry. How sorry I feel for him. He’s fallen on very hard times lately, having not been a major presence on WCF for a long time now. Gone are the days of the New Confederation, of the Confederate Champion and Doc the Cock. Now it just seems like Doc is a real old-timer, past his prime in so many ways, struggling to stay relevant. He greeted me favorably on Twitter after I showed up at Revenge, which was nice. I think that may be the problem, though. I think Doc may have gotten “too nice,” if that makes any sense. If he wants to find success he needs to start being…well, a COCK again. As it stands now though? I don’t think he’s going to do very well at all in this current WCF.
El Hombre Bionico:
The first of quite a few people to be returning to WCF in the WAR. FKA one Gonzo Murdock, he vanished without a trace some time ago, leaving many confused. Now he’s returned wearing a mask…though, if I may be candid that looks less like a mask and more like metal coverings on his face. Let me be perfectly clear: I do not in any way believe that Gonzo Murdock has become a Terminator. HOWEVER, if it came to light that he was, I believe he should be completely barred from competition in the WCF. Y’know for having an unfair advantage on account of being a literal killing machine. Just sayin’.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s isn’t cybernetic, though. Let’s just say he’s regular Gonzo just under a mask. What we know about this guy is that he’s coming off a long tour of Mexico. As someone who himself is coming off a long tour of another wrestling obsessed country (Japan) I’m really intrigued to see what kind of skills Gonzo…ahem, I’m sorry, El Hombre has picked up down south. I know Gonzo was pretty much a pure Submission specialist, but if he managed to pick up any lucha skills during his stay…holy shit. Imagine a 6’4”, 244 pound man comin at you in the air.
My main strategy going against this guy is making sure he doesn’t do the technical wrestler thing and target one specific limb on my body, leaving me vulnerable to a big trademark move. If he’s gonna engage me, I gotta somehow make him target multiple body parts without focusing on one, lessening the impact of his holds. Either that or take the offense myself and force him to brawl. Either way, any questions I have about him are just going to have to wait till October 2nd I guess.
Oblivion:
Oh boy, where do I even begin? What hasn’t already been said about WCF’s most famous monster? Former World Champion. Holds the most Hardcore Title Reigns of anyone in history. Almost undoubtedly a future hall of famer. With all those accolades in mind, is he winning this match? Hell no.
It’s so weird to think of someone like Oblivion as “being past their prime” but really, what other way can you describe him? I remember when I first joined the WCF this man scared the daylights out of me. I will never forget that moment where Oblivion tore this supernatural looking hole into the ring, sucked me up and spat me out covered in barbed wire into a storage closet. You don’t forget shit like that. I know I’m not the only one who was afraid of him, too. People FEARED this man, when this man announced as being in your match you wanted out right then and there.
Then something happened. Something that really changed my perceptions of IT. I beat him. I conquered him in a violent brawl within the lab of Dr. Heill (the man responsible for Greenfever.) And ever since that day, his mystique has gradually been fading away. A few people still thought he was scary for a few years, but lately? With all that business involving Katherine Phoenix, plus the entirety of #beachkrew (ughh, what a cringy-as-fuck name) labeling him “The Guardian of the Nae-Nae” I can’t imagine anyone whose legacy has fallen quite like Oblivion. Now a days no one takes him seriously as a threat at all. Do I feel sorry for him? I dunno, he’s done some fucked up things to me in the past I can never forgive him for. It’s a very complicated issue. All I know is that he’s going to lose WAR and go back to floating directionless within the river that is the WCF.
Fuego Del Eterno Infierno Silencioso:
Jesus Fucking Christ. This man will be lucky to even get to the ring with his various burns. He’s gonna be the guy who gets eliminated 4 seconds after her gets in.
Literally minus five stars.
Jordan Ciserano:
Here’s another guy who seems to be on a bit of a roll. Former Sequitus guy. You’d be forgiven for not immediately recognizing who he is based on that group because quite frankly I don’t know who was in that group period. Explicitly came back to the WCF to improve on his previous run, and so far he appears to be doing pretty well for himself. Won his past two matches on Slam, and one of them was against Mikey eXtreme, the guy who won the right to come in last at WAR. That’s pretty friggin cool. Here’s the thing though, Jordan still has quite a long way to go. Depending on who’s in the ring when he comes out, there’s a ton of potential people who could easily take him out, myself included. He’s gotten better no doubt, but he’s not a level where people can seriously consider him a contender in this match.
Also, moderately annoyed that he has a finisher called “The Ciserano Superkick” which is just a regular superkick. For shame, Jordan. For shame.
Cormack MacNeil:
A wild fucking Cormack appears. Seriously, who would’ve thought THIS guy would be one of the batch of returning superstars to the WAR match. I don’t even think he was hyped up that much leading up to WAR. Dude just got booked on Slam one week and bam, here’s another WAR competitor. Though to be fair, I don’t think any amount of hype would have done him any good, considering not too many people know or care about who he is. Sad to say, but it’s the truth. At his most relevant, it appeared that he was going to challenge for Dag Riddick’s International Title, but for one reason or another (the main one being that Dag is a chickenshit coward too afraid to defend his own belt) that match never happened, just serving to further derail his momentum. His chances of actually pulling something out and doing well in the WAR, while it exists, I would bet anything on it. On the bright side, him stealing Jeff Purse’s return last week was pretty friggin funny, I thought.
Serujah Goldstein:
Oh my. The Naked Wrestler. Watching her live on Slam I’m surprised the show hasn’t been cancelled yet in light of a literal naked woman on screen (though considering what’s gone down in WCF in the past I really shouldn’t be.) But yeah…what a weird little minx the WCF seems to have acquired. The trainee of WCF alum Freezer Burn (a name that pretty much only makes sense if you pair it up with his late partner’s name. “Acid Burn.”) An apparent sex addict with an obsession with sexualizing teddy bears and random food objects…while also being the mother of two twins. I’m sure that won’t cause those kids any type of confusion and distress as they get older. Nope, none at all. As a wrestler, she’s a high flier, but she’s so fucking light I’m sure a simple chop to the chest would send her flying across the ring. I’m also pretty sure she’s more concerned with titillating the audience then actually winning her matches. I mean just look at some of these moves!!
“Kissing her opponent
Grinding her lap against her opponent
Pathetic Pouting”
THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL MOVES.
I don’t think anything else needs to be said on the matter.
“The Real Deal” Jason O’ Neil:
HE DIDN’T CHOOSE THE THUG LIFE.
THE THUG LIFE CHOSE HIM.
Yeah, this guy’s a bit of a fuckin twat, isn’t he? Smart kid, don’t get me wrong, dude was able to do a few years at Tulane, and made nothing but A’s, so the intelligence is there. As for the gang bangin and street hustlin’, shit when you’ve got nothing but peer pressure all around you it’s hard not to get sucked in, I guess. Apparently Jason’s really good at whatever it is he does “on the streets.”
What I absolutely ca NOT respect, however, is his attitude towards his new employers. How in the absolute HELL do you just go on WCF TV, cut your FIRST FUCKING PROMO, and say that WAR XV is “an amazing accomplishment for a company that should have folded over 13 years ago.” How fucking STUPID can you really be by doing that? This statement just screams of ignorance and someone who has not properly done his homework. Think of all the great years that the WCF has had in its life time. 2008, 2009, 2012, 2013, shit even 2015 was a great year! Not only that, but it’s the way he said that shit as if he had the best job security in the world. BITCH, Seth Lerch shredded over a dozen contracts earlier this year because he fucking felt like it. You disrespect his company like you’re doing Jason, and he will not HESITATE to future endeavor your ass. Considering Jason’s only reason for this shit in the first is to make money, that’s probably the single stupidest thing I’ve ever seen a rookie do. EVER.
As for the WAR match itself, I’m going to personally be looking out for this kid so I can give a one way ticket to Headshot city and get rid of him. Him winning WAR XV would be the ultimate tragedy. Ultimate. Tragedy.
Also FOR FUCK’S SAKE HIS FINISHER IS A SUPERKICK. I SWEAR TO CHRIST ALMIGHTY…
Alex Winterz:
I’m just going to say this right now, this guy is so boring it physically hurts. Boring motivation to be a wrestler. Boring ring attire. Boring move list. Boring promos. Boring boring boring BORING. BOOOOOOOOORING. Did I mention he’s boring?
As silly as it may be concerning some people, most people who join the wrestling business want to win titles. It’s simple common goal for everyone, and for that to be your wrestling raison d’etre does not make you a special snowflake. You gotta have more to you, man, gotta have some spice. What makes YOU stand out from everyone else? What’s makes YOU the guy people should pay attention to? If you can’t give a good answer to either of those questions, then I’m sorry, but you’re irrelevant to the conversation. End of discussion.
Jeff Purse:
And so, after a month of hype, The Future Jeff Purse finally makes his return to the WCF. And god, what a botched return it has been, old friend. The first sign that he would be coming back came from the same PPV I made my return to announce my entry into WAR. Only Jeff didn’t personally show up. Oh no no no, instead he decided to put up a video package at the top of the show with a date (September 11th), his name and nothing else. …Okay? That’s all well and dandy, but to not have Purse there at all? Kinda detracts from the whole thing, especially considering people like myself and Sarah Tilight were actually physically on the show in some capacity.
Here’s the kicker though. The September 11th Slam rolls along…and Purse is nowhere to be seen. Bwaaaaah?! I even called him out on it on Twitter. He claimed it was due to issues with Twilight and shit. Now as likely a story as that is (that totally sounds like something Twilight would do) the way he just nonchalantly misses his date then goes on twitter to say “Oh no biggie, I’ll just be back next week!” just doesn’t sit well with me. Feels like him making up an excuse more then anything.
But hey, better late than never, right? September 18th rolls around and Purse finally returns to Slam…in a Tag Team match with Cormack Macneil. Nothing else, no in ring promo, no hero’s welcome, no pomp and circumstance. He just…shows up. Not only does he just show up though, but he never even tags into the damn match! Cormack literally does all of the work for him and gets the pin in like five seconds. And after he does get the win, Jeff goes straight to the top turnbuckle and celebrates like he just won the main event of One. I’m sure in his mind confetti fell from the rafters and the crowd sang “For He’s A jolly Good Fellow To Him.”
What an abortion of a return, through and through. This man was World Champion earlier this year, and here he is acting like a complete ponce because he won a match he actively did nothing in. I mean sure, he held it for only like two weeks, but that reign still counts! The sad part though is that I’m almost certain that when Purse steps up to the mic and makes his case for why he’s going to win WAR, he’s gonna mention the fact that he’s won it before. And it’s infuriating to me because that’s a totally valid thing to say. All he has to do is say “I won this match a few years ago, I got that same fire back and I’m gonna win this WAR too!” Nevermind the fact that after his win he’s probably going to end up no-showing the One main event, all he has to do is mention he’s a former winner and his credibility shoots up through the roof. And that pisses me off because of how lazy he’ll make it feel. I know Jeff, I know he can do better than this. He just needs to actually take this shit seriously.
Or maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe he should do what he promised he’d do, what his family wants him to do and just retire from in-ring competition all-together. That way his young son can actually have father who will be around to care for him and love him. That way his wife won’t have to worry about a freak accident taking her lover’s life in the ring. That way Jeff can maintain what little dignity he has left and is remembered fondly by the WCF fans. But as it stands now? None of that is happening. And it’s all to Jeff’s detriment. I’m sure he’s way too far into the doghouse with Kari to do the lazy rework of Kari’s Korner he probably had planned as his trump card for WAR. He’s gonna be too distracted by all his domestic goings-on to focus all of his attention on this match, and it’s gonna cost him.
So lastly, the question everyone wants to know: Will Jeff Purse Do Well In WAR?
Shit, I dunno. Depends on if he makes an effort.
(In no particular order)
Henry Spearman:
What a poor guy, this Henry Spearman. Over 40 or so entrants and this guy’s the first one out. I’m immediately finding myself sympathizing with him because I went out first in the 2012 WAR match, I know how shitty that is. Course as far as I know Henry won’t have a match with Odin fuckin’ Balfore right before he’s set to go out, so he’s already got a much better chance then I had. If I’m being completely honest with myself, if you were gonna take any of this latest crop of new guys, stick em at number 1 and have them win the whole match, Henry’s the guy to do it. Dude’s got a solid 7-2 singles record and was WCF TV champ once upon a time, and from all accounts was a fightin’ champ. But more than any of that, you look at this guy’s story and you’re like “man, I want this guy to win!” Comin to peace with your inner demons is not an easy thing, and for Henry to have handled them as well as he has is outstanding. That’s why if I have to go up against him I’m going to have to be on my toes. The good thing about Spearman is that (true to his name) his finisher is just a regular old spear, nothing too original. If I can scout it out I can avoid it and certain doom. If I end up eliminating him I’ll probably be booed out of MSG, but I’m okay with that. Gotta do whatever it takes to win, even if that means taking out a favorite or two. P.S, it’s worth nothing Henry has this intense rivalry with Mikey eXtreme, the man who cost him the final spot. Normally I’d say if these two were together that hell would break loose, but considering how far apart they are I’d doubt they’ll interact unless Henry makes a DEEP run, which is totally possible. P.P.S, the guy’s #2 arch-enemy in life appears to be bees. Perhaps I should bring a licensed beekeeper with me to the ring?
Adam Young:
Ah, how good is it to see an old face. Even if that face is so ugly only a blind grandmother could tolerate it. That’s right, the bastard Adam Young is still employed by Seth. And from what I’ve been seeing of him on Slam he doesn’t appear to have changed all that much. Of note though was the fact that he opened up the September 11th Slam with a tribute to the victims of those awful attacks 15 years ago…before immediately claiming he’s going to “rescue WCF from the vermin who have infested this holy place.” To go from a stoic tribute to that in the same breath…I dunno, it just doesn’t sit well with me. But honestly I expect this kinda stuff from Adam. He can’t crack it in the ring so he’s gotta stir up controversy and talk himself up as “the most hated man in WCF.” I’m sorry Adam, but you’re not the most hated wrestler in the WCF. Now, “most famous jobber in WCF history”, that you most certainly are. Chances of an Adam young win: literally 0%.
Captain WCF:
Speaking of jokes…Jesus, man.
Captain.
Fookin’.
WCF.
*a few lines with nothing written*
*…*
Get the fook outta here.
Chief Tom-O-Hawk:
I feel bad that this guy’s been saddled with Captain WCF as the WCF Tag Team champions. These two guys have really devalued the belts, and it’s not even this guy’s fault. These two are just not compatible as partners at ALL. I’ve seen them compete on Slam and boy, was that a sad state of affairs. Considering how proud this man is, especially where his heritage is concerned, teaming this guy must really eat at him, cause he knows he can do so…much…better, but he can’t because he has to deal with Cap’s ineptitude in the ring. Shit, he could go solo and kill it. I could easily see this guy as a TV champion, or as People’s Champion. Boy, if he won that People’s Title and started trying to educate #ThePeople on the Cherokee Tribe, he could make a real name for himself and bring a lot of attention to important issues. But with Captain WCF? Never gonna happen. If the two of them get in the ring at the same time, honestly Tomohawk should turn on Cap right then and there, eliminate his ass and go solo. I think I can take him on if need be, but I think people really underestimate Tomohawk, and he can pull a upset if he decides to show the world what he’s made of.
Kidd Krazzy:
A newbie in the truest sense of the word. This guy looks like he got plucked right out of some random kid’s backyard and was signed to a contract right then and there. Wouldn’t surprise me, Seth has a loose grip on the well beings of other human beings, putting them in danger. Poor kid’s gonna accidentally cripple himself by trying to jump from the titantron into the ring as his entrance to “entertain the fans,” then he’ll try to launch his now paraplegic body from the top rope and get absolutely destroyed by everyone else. I mean, would YOU want your One Main Event to feature a paraplegic high flyer? I didn’t think so.
Jordan Nicolas Johnson:
Another fresh faced newbie at the tender age of 21 years old. First off this kid goes by his initials (JNJ) which as one of the fed’s predominant “initial dudes” I can always appreciate. Unlike Krazzy though, this kid doesn’t seem to have the same deathwish, wrestling a less aerial, more hard-hitting technical stuff. At his age that may actually serve him some good, give him a longer career down the line. Looking at his story is interesting too. It doesn’t appear as though young JNJ has had as tragic an upbringing as many others in WCF (unless you count constantly moving around due to your step-dad’s work as tragic.) He just seems like a hard workin dude looking to put his name on the map through sheer ability, which I will always have nothing but respect for. However, the odds are def stacked against him in his debut. He’s chosen the worst fucking pay-per-view to debut in, having to fend off the entire roster in one match in his first night in the fed. Plus he’s not been tested against a roster of the caliber that WCF has. I don’t think he’ll win, but unlike Kidd Krazzy I can totally see him doing some serious damage and making people pay attention to him. Shit, he does good enough I could totally see him in contention for CJ Phoenix’s Alpha Title.
Cliff of Doom:
We now go from two young up and comers to a 31-year-old man in the depths of the world’s most insane mid-life crisis. Cliff McManus must have SOME screws loose in his head to go from such a safe job as a teacher to putting his fucking body on the line in the name of living his dream as a wrestler. Although considering teachers make REALLY shit money and wrestlers can get rather wealthy, I’d have to assume something like that factored into his decision. BUT THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. Anyways, by all means this man should not be anyone to pay attention to. He’s older, his body isn’t used to being under this kind of stress, nevermind wrestling his high-flying offense, PLUS the strain of having a 9-to-5 job as a public school teacher. Despite all the odds, however…
…THIS…
…GUY…
…IS…
…UNDEFEATED.
Not only that, but ever since his debut he’s been wrestling in WCF’s trademark multi-man clusterfucks, and every time he’s come out on top. With a five person match there’s always chance for you to lose. Someone who isn’t can pin someone else who also isn’t you while you aren’t looking and steal the win right then and there. Yet Cliff has never fallen into that trap. While his opponents are distracted by arguing with each other over entrance music, Cliff has his eyes on the prize, and it always pays off. In this case, he may feel very comfortable in the WAR match, the biggest clusterfuck of them all. I have no idea why this comparison is always being made, but apparently Cliff reminds people of a guy named Wolf, who lasted OVER A FUCKING HOUR in last year’s WAR match. And if these comparisons are true…holy shit folks, we may see a sleeper pick to win the whole thing on our hands. I’mma have to stay weary of this guy in ring. Looks are very deceiving, and he may give me a run for my money.
Adrian Archer:
Ah yes, The Magnificent Bastard indeed. It’s funny, I was perusing the WCF website when I stumbled upon his roster page as I was doing research for the WAR match. I read his Bio, and a lot of it was very well-written, describing just what it means to be a magnificent bastard. Then I later found out almost the whole thing was copy/pasted from TV Tropes.
Whoops.
Anyway, Archer seems like a total contradiction to me. His bio claims that even in defeat he looks strong, and that nothing can phase him even if nothing is going his way…while at the same time he has been known to “have a nasty streak” when things don’t go his way? Huh? Am I reading that right? That doesn’t sound like those two things go together. However, this man DOES know a lot about the defeat. Unlike Cliff McManus, Adrian Archer has only won one match since Revenge. But what a truly magnificent victory it was. True to his “anything to get a win” mentality, dude used the old tap the mat and toss a chair tactic to steal a DQ win from Damian Kaine. That match, showed at the very least, that Adrian was true to his word when he said he’ll do anything to win. Considering there are no DQs in the WAR match though, I think that’ll give a big disadvantage to Adrian. If he’s managed to be contained in the ring and not allowed any offense, I don’t think he’ll be too much of a problem if I’m up against him. If he manages to grab hold of a weapon though, then all bets are off. He could get VERY dangerous if he has one.
Also side note: Damian Kaine was humiliated on live TV and after losing to Adrian, immediately challenged him to a Hardcore Cage Match…which is not on the card due to time constraints. Poor guy. I’m sure they’ll face off at Hellimination though, that would make sense. I predict if Damian is in the ring with Adrian he’ll go apeshit on him, and I’d pay good money to see that.
Zoey Ryback/Koola/Little Tornado:
So APPARENTLY a LOT of new people decided to sign with WCF right as WAR was about to start. I already said this about JNJ, but this is probably the worst week out of any week where you can make your debut, as going up against the entire roster in your first match can really be a trial by fire. There’s almost no information about any of these guys I can find. Koola is a tough SOB (news flash, so is everyone else in this federation), Zoey Ryback is “The Original Daughter of Destruction” and is apparently a punk chick, and Little Tornado had a rough childhood and thinks he’s God’s gift. That’s about it for all of these guys. While it’s possible one of them could pull a rabbit out of a hat, considering how much on a non-entity all three of them are I’d highly doubt it.
Doc Henry:
My old friend Doc Henry. How sorry I feel for him. He’s fallen on very hard times lately, having not been a major presence on WCF for a long time now. Gone are the days of the New Confederation, of the Confederate Champion and Doc the Cock. Now it just seems like Doc is a real old-timer, past his prime in so many ways, struggling to stay relevant. He greeted me favorably on Twitter after I showed up at Revenge, which was nice. I think that may be the problem, though. I think Doc may have gotten “too nice,” if that makes any sense. If he wants to find success he needs to start being…well, a COCK again. As it stands now though? I don’t think he’s going to do very well at all in this current WCF.
El Hombre Bionico:
The first of quite a few people to be returning to WCF in the WAR. FKA one Gonzo Murdock, he vanished without a trace some time ago, leaving many confused. Now he’s returned wearing a mask…though, if I may be candid that looks less like a mask and more like metal coverings on his face. Let me be perfectly clear: I do not in any way believe that Gonzo Murdock has become a Terminator. HOWEVER, if it came to light that he was, I believe he should be completely barred from competition in the WCF. Y’know for having an unfair advantage on account of being a literal killing machine. Just sayin’.
Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s isn’t cybernetic, though. Let’s just say he’s regular Gonzo just under a mask. What we know about this guy is that he’s coming off a long tour of Mexico. As someone who himself is coming off a long tour of another wrestling obsessed country (Japan) I’m really intrigued to see what kind of skills Gonzo…ahem, I’m sorry, El Hombre has picked up down south. I know Gonzo was pretty much a pure Submission specialist, but if he managed to pick up any lucha skills during his stay…holy shit. Imagine a 6’4”, 244 pound man comin at you in the air.
My main strategy going against this guy is making sure he doesn’t do the technical wrestler thing and target one specific limb on my body, leaving me vulnerable to a big trademark move. If he’s gonna engage me, I gotta somehow make him target multiple body parts without focusing on one, lessening the impact of his holds. Either that or take the offense myself and force him to brawl. Either way, any questions I have about him are just going to have to wait till October 2nd I guess.
Oblivion:
Oh boy, where do I even begin? What hasn’t already been said about WCF’s most famous monster? Former World Champion. Holds the most Hardcore Title Reigns of anyone in history. Almost undoubtedly a future hall of famer. With all those accolades in mind, is he winning this match? Hell no.
It’s so weird to think of someone like Oblivion as “being past their prime” but really, what other way can you describe him? I remember when I first joined the WCF this man scared the daylights out of me. I will never forget that moment where Oblivion tore this supernatural looking hole into the ring, sucked me up and spat me out covered in barbed wire into a storage closet. You don’t forget shit like that. I know I’m not the only one who was afraid of him, too. People FEARED this man, when this man announced as being in your match you wanted out right then and there.
Then something happened. Something that really changed my perceptions of IT. I beat him. I conquered him in a violent brawl within the lab of Dr. Heill (the man responsible for Greenfever.) And ever since that day, his mystique has gradually been fading away. A few people still thought he was scary for a few years, but lately? With all that business involving Katherine Phoenix, plus the entirety of #beachkrew (ughh, what a cringy-as-fuck name) labeling him “The Guardian of the Nae-Nae” I can’t imagine anyone whose legacy has fallen quite like Oblivion. Now a days no one takes him seriously as a threat at all. Do I feel sorry for him? I dunno, he’s done some fucked up things to me in the past I can never forgive him for. It’s a very complicated issue. All I know is that he’s going to lose WAR and go back to floating directionless within the river that is the WCF.
Fuego Del Eterno Infierno Silencioso:
Jesus Fucking Christ. This man will be lucky to even get to the ring with his various burns. He’s gonna be the guy who gets eliminated 4 seconds after her gets in.
Literally minus five stars.
Jordan Ciserano:
Here’s another guy who seems to be on a bit of a roll. Former Sequitus guy. You’d be forgiven for not immediately recognizing who he is based on that group because quite frankly I don’t know who was in that group period. Explicitly came back to the WCF to improve on his previous run, and so far he appears to be doing pretty well for himself. Won his past two matches on Slam, and one of them was against Mikey eXtreme, the guy who won the right to come in last at WAR. That’s pretty friggin cool. Here’s the thing though, Jordan still has quite a long way to go. Depending on who’s in the ring when he comes out, there’s a ton of potential people who could easily take him out, myself included. He’s gotten better no doubt, but he’s not a level where people can seriously consider him a contender in this match.
Also, moderately annoyed that he has a finisher called “The Ciserano Superkick” which is just a regular superkick. For shame, Jordan. For shame.
Cormack MacNeil:
A wild fucking Cormack appears. Seriously, who would’ve thought THIS guy would be one of the batch of returning superstars to the WAR match. I don’t even think he was hyped up that much leading up to WAR. Dude just got booked on Slam one week and bam, here’s another WAR competitor. Though to be fair, I don’t think any amount of hype would have done him any good, considering not too many people know or care about who he is. Sad to say, but it’s the truth. At his most relevant, it appeared that he was going to challenge for Dag Riddick’s International Title, but for one reason or another (the main one being that Dag is a chickenshit coward too afraid to defend his own belt) that match never happened, just serving to further derail his momentum. His chances of actually pulling something out and doing well in the WAR, while it exists, I would bet anything on it. On the bright side, him stealing Jeff Purse’s return last week was pretty friggin funny, I thought.
Serujah Goldstein:
Oh my. The Naked Wrestler. Watching her live on Slam I’m surprised the show hasn’t been cancelled yet in light of a literal naked woman on screen (though considering what’s gone down in WCF in the past I really shouldn’t be.) But yeah…what a weird little minx the WCF seems to have acquired. The trainee of WCF alum Freezer Burn (a name that pretty much only makes sense if you pair it up with his late partner’s name. “Acid Burn.”) An apparent sex addict with an obsession with sexualizing teddy bears and random food objects…while also being the mother of two twins. I’m sure that won’t cause those kids any type of confusion and distress as they get older. Nope, none at all. As a wrestler, she’s a high flier, but she’s so fucking light I’m sure a simple chop to the chest would send her flying across the ring. I’m also pretty sure she’s more concerned with titillating the audience then actually winning her matches. I mean just look at some of these moves!!
“Kissing her opponent
Grinding her lap against her opponent
Pathetic Pouting”
THOSE AREN’T EVEN REAL MOVES.
I don’t think anything else needs to be said on the matter.
“The Real Deal” Jason O’ Neil:
HE DIDN’T CHOOSE THE THUG LIFE.
THE THUG LIFE CHOSE HIM.
Yeah, this guy’s a bit of a fuckin twat, isn’t he? Smart kid, don’t get me wrong, dude was able to do a few years at Tulane, and made nothing but A’s, so the intelligence is there. As for the gang bangin and street hustlin’, shit when you’ve got nothing but peer pressure all around you it’s hard not to get sucked in, I guess. Apparently Jason’s really good at whatever it is he does “on the streets.”
What I absolutely ca NOT respect, however, is his attitude towards his new employers. How in the absolute HELL do you just go on WCF TV, cut your FIRST FUCKING PROMO, and say that WAR XV is “an amazing accomplishment for a company that should have folded over 13 years ago.” How fucking STUPID can you really be by doing that? This statement just screams of ignorance and someone who has not properly done his homework. Think of all the great years that the WCF has had in its life time. 2008, 2009, 2012, 2013, shit even 2015 was a great year! Not only that, but it’s the way he said that shit as if he had the best job security in the world. BITCH, Seth Lerch shredded over a dozen contracts earlier this year because he fucking felt like it. You disrespect his company like you’re doing Jason, and he will not HESITATE to future endeavor your ass. Considering Jason’s only reason for this shit in the first is to make money, that’s probably the single stupidest thing I’ve ever seen a rookie do. EVER.
As for the WAR match itself, I’m going to personally be looking out for this kid so I can give a one way ticket to Headshot city and get rid of him. Him winning WAR XV would be the ultimate tragedy. Ultimate. Tragedy.
Also FOR FUCK’S SAKE HIS FINISHER IS A SUPERKICK. I SWEAR TO CHRIST ALMIGHTY…
Alex Winterz:
I’m just going to say this right now, this guy is so boring it physically hurts. Boring motivation to be a wrestler. Boring ring attire. Boring move list. Boring promos. Boring boring boring BORING. BOOOOOOOOORING. Did I mention he’s boring?
As silly as it may be concerning some people, most people who join the wrestling business want to win titles. It’s simple common goal for everyone, and for that to be your wrestling raison d’etre does not make you a special snowflake. You gotta have more to you, man, gotta have some spice. What makes YOU stand out from everyone else? What’s makes YOU the guy people should pay attention to? If you can’t give a good answer to either of those questions, then I’m sorry, but you’re irrelevant to the conversation. End of discussion.
Jeff Purse:
And so, after a month of hype, The Future Jeff Purse finally makes his return to the WCF. And god, what a botched return it has been, old friend. The first sign that he would be coming back came from the same PPV I made my return to announce my entry into WAR. Only Jeff didn’t personally show up. Oh no no no, instead he decided to put up a video package at the top of the show with a date (September 11th), his name and nothing else. …Okay? That’s all well and dandy, but to not have Purse there at all? Kinda detracts from the whole thing, especially considering people like myself and Sarah Tilight were actually physically on the show in some capacity.
Here’s the kicker though. The September 11th Slam rolls along…and Purse is nowhere to be seen. Bwaaaaah?! I even called him out on it on Twitter. He claimed it was due to issues with Twilight and shit. Now as likely a story as that is (that totally sounds like something Twilight would do) the way he just nonchalantly misses his date then goes on twitter to say “Oh no biggie, I’ll just be back next week!” just doesn’t sit well with me. Feels like him making up an excuse more then anything.
But hey, better late than never, right? September 18th rolls around and Purse finally returns to Slam…in a Tag Team match with Cormack Macneil. Nothing else, no in ring promo, no hero’s welcome, no pomp and circumstance. He just…shows up. Not only does he just show up though, but he never even tags into the damn match! Cormack literally does all of the work for him and gets the pin in like five seconds. And after he does get the win, Jeff goes straight to the top turnbuckle and celebrates like he just won the main event of One. I’m sure in his mind confetti fell from the rafters and the crowd sang “For He’s A jolly Good Fellow To Him.”
What an abortion of a return, through and through. This man was World Champion earlier this year, and here he is acting like a complete ponce because he won a match he actively did nothing in. I mean sure, he held it for only like two weeks, but that reign still counts! The sad part though is that I’m almost certain that when Purse steps up to the mic and makes his case for why he’s going to win WAR, he’s gonna mention the fact that he’s won it before. And it’s infuriating to me because that’s a totally valid thing to say. All he has to do is say “I won this match a few years ago, I got that same fire back and I’m gonna win this WAR too!” Nevermind the fact that after his win he’s probably going to end up no-showing the One main event, all he has to do is mention he’s a former winner and his credibility shoots up through the roof. And that pisses me off because of how lazy he’ll make it feel. I know Jeff, I know he can do better than this. He just needs to actually take this shit seriously.
Or maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe he should do what he promised he’d do, what his family wants him to do and just retire from in-ring competition all-together. That way his young son can actually have father who will be around to care for him and love him. That way his wife won’t have to worry about a freak accident taking her lover’s life in the ring. That way Jeff can maintain what little dignity he has left and is remembered fondly by the WCF fans. But as it stands now? None of that is happening. And it’s all to Jeff’s detriment. I’m sure he’s way too far into the doghouse with Kari to do the lazy rework of Kari’s Korner he probably had planned as his trump card for WAR. He’s gonna be too distracted by all his domestic goings-on to focus all of his attention on this match, and it’s gonna cost him.
So lastly, the question everyone wants to know: Will Jeff Purse Do Well In WAR?
Shit, I dunno. Depends on if he makes an effort.
I was stationed in Japan when I was told of Robert Cairo’s death. I had been there for about a year at this point, training in small independent federations and keeping up with my training, knowing I would eventually return to the WCF one day. During my stay there, I did not keep up with news from home as often as I probably should have. Cairo’s death was the first bit of information I had learned since I had gotten there, and I was devastated. How? How could this giant of the wrestling industry, this Hall of Famer, this great mentor to many, suddenly just die like that? The only thing that helped me come to terms with what had happened was hearing that it took place during a WCF pay-per-view (one of especial importance, Fifteen) during a match against Zombie McMorris. That may sound callous, saying I’m glad he died on such a prominent stage, but trust me, if you knew Bobby you’d know he’d be glad to have gone out in such glorious combat.
It was not on my original schedule for when I came back to the states, but as I sat on the plane ride back to Lafayette for those first few GEW shows, I knew it would only be appropriate for me to pay my respects to the elder statesman of the WCF. Once I received my first GEW paycheck I made sure to take a quick trip to the island of Poon Guinea.
The helicopter ride was an exciting one. The view of the island from high up in the air was simply one of awe and wonder. A true tropical paradise if ever there was one. The kind of shit that gets shown in commercials to get old women to go on cruises. Pure luxury. We descended down to the island and landed on a Heli-pad near the center of the island. I got out of the helicopter, hoping it wouldn’t blow my hair into a big brown mess. This was a special occasion, and for it I chose to come to the island in a brand new suit, the whole point would be negated if my hair was messed up. Luckily it only lightly disturbed it as it ascended and flew off over the horizon.
Greeting me as I stepped out of the helicopter was a local man, dressed in a Hawaiin shirt, khaki cargo shorts and aviator shades, a thick cigar (probably Cuban) in one of his hands. He came to me with a warm smile and extended his hand out, I shook it without hesitation.
It was not on my original schedule for when I came back to the states, but as I sat on the plane ride back to Lafayette for those first few GEW shows, I knew it would only be appropriate for me to pay my respects to the elder statesman of the WCF. Once I received my first GEW paycheck I made sure to take a quick trip to the island of Poon Guinea.
The helicopter ride was an exciting one. The view of the island from high up in the air was simply one of awe and wonder. A true tropical paradise if ever there was one. The kind of shit that gets shown in commercials to get old women to go on cruises. Pure luxury. We descended down to the island and landed on a Heli-pad near the center of the island. I got out of the helicopter, hoping it wouldn’t blow my hair into a big brown mess. This was a special occasion, and for it I chose to come to the island in a brand new suit, the whole point would be negated if my hair was messed up. Luckily it only lightly disturbed it as it ascended and flew off over the horizon.
Greeting me as I stepped out of the helicopter was a local man, dressed in a Hawaiin shirt, khaki cargo shorts and aviator shades, a thick cigar (probably Cuban) in one of his hands. He came to me with a warm smile and extended his hand out, I shook it without hesitation.
Local Man: Mr. Venable, welcome to the island of Poon Guinea! We’ve been expecting your presence. I trust your copter ride was a comfortable one.
FPV: It was, Mr…?
Local Man: You can just call me Carlos. I’m not much one for formalities.
FPV: I can tell, you look you’ve just gotten out of a Millionaire’s beach party. Makes me feel a bit overdressed if I’m being honest.
Carlos let out a hearty laugh, apparently amused at what I was saying.
Carlos: Trust me, when it comes to our beloved Cairo there is no such thing as overdressed. There is also no such thing as underdressed, but that’s mostly for the women, I’m sure you’d understand.
FPV: Oh I do. Bobby did like his women thicc and exposed, that’s for sure.
Carlos: Speaking of which, can I get you anything? A fine woman, some strong drink? Nothing is off limits for associates of Mr. Cairo, my friend.
My answer was immediate. There was nothing else I could toast Cairo’s legacy with that would’ve meant more.
FPV: Actually if you could, I’d like the fattest fucking blunt you can roll up.
Carlos’ smile only grew wider with my request.
Carlos: Of course, Mr. Venable. I’ll get someone on it right away.
Carlos beckoned another local (this one much younger, possibly a teenager) over, and gave him instructions in a language I could not even begin to understand. The young boy nodded his head and scurried off as Carlos turned back to me.
Carlos: While he’s out getting the necessary supplies, why don’t I bring you to the memorial, eh?
He led down from helipad towards the marketplace. There, men sold their best wares, women sold themselves to whoever could afford it, and a few children danced and played in the open area. Marijuana was everywhere. I’m not exaggerating either, the stuff was literally EVERYWHERE. It seemed every other man (and even a few of the women) held a lit joint in their hands, casually toking in the middle of conversation.
Carlos: I hope our home is up to your high standards, Mr. Venable.
FPV: I’m not sure if that was supposed to be a pun or not.
He didn’t whether or not it was, just giggled to himself.
FPV: Either way, it’s funny. I’ve never been here before, and even when it was on WCF television I barely caught glimpses of. But knowing Bobby and the kind of things he is…sorry, was into; this place is exactly how I imagined it would be.
Carlos: I’m glad to hear that. If you look down the road right here you’ll find what you came to see, Mr. Venable.
Sure enough, a little ways down road I began to see it. A giant, golden and ornate statue made in the image of Robert Cairo, striking one of his trademark Robert Cairo poses. The detail was extraordinary, from the individual stands of his beard hair to the ragin thickness in his jeans, no expense was spared creating this thing. It truly fit Cairo’s larger-then-life persona in every way. From his hands, lei’s made of marijuana leaves hung, left by locals as tribute. And at the base of the whole thing was this epitath.
ROBERT HERCULES CAIRO
KUSH
POON
TITLES
DEARLY MISSED
I admired it with Carlos by my side, beaming with pride.
ROBERT HERCULES CAIRO
KUSH
POON
TITLES
DEARLY MISSED
I admired it with Carlos by my side, beaming with pride.
Carlos: A thing of beauty, isn’t it.
FPV: Truly. A work of pure art.
Just then, the young boy came running back to Carlos, a small tin can in his hands. The boy opened the can to reveal a very neatly rolled blunt (Backwoods, it looked like) plus an old-school flip top Zippo lighter with it. Carlos took the blunt and lighter from within the can. He smiled at the boy, congratulated him in their native tongue, and patted the boy on the shoulder, sending him back to whatever duties he had before. He handed me the blunt and lighter, which I took graciously.
FPV: If you don’t mind, dear Carlos, I’d like to do this in a bit of privacy.
Carlos nodded his head, flashed his warm smile back at me one last time (a smile I have no doubts Cairo helped him to perfect once upon a time) and left me to my business.
Thus, the two of us were left alone, Cairo and I. It pained me to know I never got the chance to properly tell this man goodbye the last time I saw him. It was a pain I supposed would have to follow me the rest of my life. At the very least, I had this opportunity to pay my respects.
God, how long had it been since I had lit one up? Years, maybe? Jesus. I never was one to consider myself a stoner. Had nothing against enthusiasts, don’t get me wrong. But it just wasn’t my deal in life, yknow? But this…this was a special occasion. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t do this thing proper. I put the blunt to my lips, flicked the lighter open and ignited a small flame. That first toke hit my lungs like a sack full of Thomas Uriel Bates. The smoke that came out of my lips reminded me of an old locomotive. All aboard the high train. Choo. Choo. I gazed at the statue, directly into its eyes, the blunt still hanging from my lips. I thought of the performance this man gave back in 2014 when he won the WAR match. A match I would be stepping into on October 2nd. Wouldn’t that be greatest tribute anyone could think of? To go against the odds and win the toughest match of the year, all in this man’s name? If he were alive today, I’d like to think Bobby would be rooting for me to win. “That little nervous rookie from Atlanta, win the WAR match? That’ll put buyrates through the roof! I know Franky can do it.”
My eyes began to water from the strength of the drug. Or were they tears? I couldn’t tell. Either way, the sun setting behind him and Poon Guinea as a whole, I gave Cairo my best military salute.
I’m gonna do this, Bobby.
In your honor.
Thus, the two of us were left alone, Cairo and I. It pained me to know I never got the chance to properly tell this man goodbye the last time I saw him. It was a pain I supposed would have to follow me the rest of my life. At the very least, I had this opportunity to pay my respects.
God, how long had it been since I had lit one up? Years, maybe? Jesus. I never was one to consider myself a stoner. Had nothing against enthusiasts, don’t get me wrong. But it just wasn’t my deal in life, yknow? But this…this was a special occasion. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t do this thing proper. I put the blunt to my lips, flicked the lighter open and ignited a small flame. That first toke hit my lungs like a sack full of Thomas Uriel Bates. The smoke that came out of my lips reminded me of an old locomotive. All aboard the high train. Choo. Choo. I gazed at the statue, directly into its eyes, the blunt still hanging from my lips. I thought of the performance this man gave back in 2014 when he won the WAR match. A match I would be stepping into on October 2nd. Wouldn’t that be greatest tribute anyone could think of? To go against the odds and win the toughest match of the year, all in this man’s name? If he were alive today, I’d like to think Bobby would be rooting for me to win. “That little nervous rookie from Atlanta, win the WAR match? That’ll put buyrates through the roof! I know Franky can do it.”
My eyes began to water from the strength of the drug. Or were they tears? I couldn’t tell. Either way, the sun setting behind him and Poon Guinea as a whole, I gave Cairo my best military salute.
I’m gonna do this, Bobby.
In your honor.
