Post by Salem Shepard on Aug 26, 2016 18:45:47 GMT -5
(OOC: read Crazy J's "Bach part Pt1 and Pt2 first)
So yeah, I fucked it all up. And I have to take full blame for it. Cash and J keep tellin me that it aint my fault and it’s all good…but man…I was the one that got pinned. I know I let them guys down even though they won’t admit it. Gemini got in the ring and made quick work of my ass; and before I knew it…WHAM!!...My ass was on the mat and, …game over. I keep thinking back, knowing that if I had tagged in J or Cash we would have a better chance at winning the match, but I wasn’t gonna bitch out and run from the Champ just cause Im a rookie… yeah, that was only my third career match and I still have a lot to accomplish, but that was a learning experience being in the ring with Gemini and even though we lost there was a lot that I learned…some lessons that I took to heart to make sure it never happens again. So I learned some things, but did yall learn anything watching the match? Well, if ya didn’t – you should have!!! The world should have learned that Warren Jeffs Jr and Puzzle Jesus can’t hang with ZT. Every time one of those boys stepped in the ring it was ZT putting a stomping on they ass!!! So let’s get it clear, Bishop still doesn’t have a win over ZT….Gemini Battle, the Champ, he does. Bishop aint SHIT!!! He been in the ring with us two times now and he aint even given us a real challenge. …And I doubt he ever will. But ya know, a loss was bound to happen, and it happened just the way I said it would. I told the world that if we lost the match, it would be at the hands of the Champ and not those other two morons. ..And I was right. But Im growing, my skills are just taking form and I won’t be a rookie forever…
Shepard was still amazed. He had never seen water or sand like this. He had never seen actual clear ocean water, or a real island – cause Padre Island didn’t count!! Shit, he had never left the continental United Sates before so he was still trying to soak it all in; knowing that this was going to be an extremely short trip because they had a huge match to prepare for. But at the moment this was the farthest thing from his mind. Grand Cayman was everything he had dreamed and island would be and he made sure to really focus and take in every detail, every smell and every grain of sand between his toes. He didn’t take pictures or videos of things, he believed in relishing the moment. For example, he wasn’t one of those retarded fucktwats at concerts that record the whole fucking thing on their phone and watch it through a four inch screen. He hated those people. He walked along the beach with a drink in his hand, a hat and a red tanktop. And of course, his face was painted. But today it was sloppy and you could tell he was in a hurry to get it on; but it was the usual white face with black around the eyes. Crazy J and Cash were up ahead, talking to some females that God had made just perfectly and he was headed that direction. He looked at the huge white clouds in the sky; but even though they were everything they didn’t seem to stop the sun from coming thought. And this pale ass white boy was starting to look as red as lobster! He took a sip of his drink and smiled, because mentally, things had been going very well the last few days.
Ever since he had run off from Jaymz and Crazy J the voices had seemed to have disappeared. Maybe it was J punching him in the gut and slapping him in the face? Maybe that shit really did work!! Whatever it was, he was happy the voices had receded back into their dark spot. He walked up behind J and Cash, who were still talking to four girls. J was dressed in a similar fashion as Shep, but he rocked the Mohawk and no hat. Cash on the other hand, he wasn’t putting on shorts for nothing. He wore jeans, boots, and his cowboy hat. And he wasn’t even sweating, it was weird. …And his shirt, which he left unbuttoned and the girls seemed to be really interested in our Hillbilly Hero as they looked him over and he worked his southern charm. Shepard came and stood between the two and introduced himself to the four ladies and caught their names. Three of them lived here but they were originally from South Africa, the fourth girl was visiting but she was the girl that caught Sheps eye. She seemed shy and hid behind her friends, but the paint did that to most girls. He wanted to talk to her, but he would work his charm on any one of the girls who seemed interested – he wasn’t picky. He moved out from between Cash and J who were telling a story and approached the girl standing next to him. She had beautiful tan skin and a figure that only seemed real in movies, and the deepest blue eyes he had ever seen.
“What’s up girl, Im Salem” he smiled as he extended his hand.
“Im Claudia”
She shook his hand and smiled, Shep could see she knew who he was and she didn’t know what to say. But he wasn’t quite sure what to say to a beautiful girl either. It was hard to keep his eyes off her tits or the sweat that was falling down between them - so he said what came first, “Im not staring at your tits, Im staring at your heart.”
Claudia laughed and put her hands over her mouth, “oh my God!! ..Is that the best you got!?” She was a good sport and Shep smiled.
“No, …Do you like Legos?”
She smiled and nodded yes.
“Oh, well. You like Legos, I like Legos…Why don’t we just go back to my place and we can put our Legos together? ..Ya feelin me?”
This did NOT make Claudia laugh and she only stood there looking at him with a go to hell look. Salem broke the tension and laughed, touching her arm, “haha, Girl Im only playin!! …Listen, my homeboy here, Crazy J….This bastard is getting MARRIED!! Can you believe that shit?!”
“Hes getting married!?” Claudia’s eyes got huge and she looked at Crazy J who was laughing with Cash. The rest of the girls were now surrounding Cash as if there was some magnet inside of him drawing them closer.
“Yup…That means he’s about to never get another blowjob again. Poor guy.. Anyway, I was wanting to know if you wanted to come to his bachelor party tonight?”
Claudia seemed to think this over, “You mean, come with YOU to the party?”
Shepard caught the tone and she wasn’t feeling it, but that’s ok, because he was more interested in the shy girl who still hadn’t spoken a word. “No, you girls just come to the party and have a good time! We have a mansion on the bay side that backs up to the water. It’s at the end of the road, you can’t fuckin miss it. You girls should come; you don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to!”
“Oh!! I wasn’t implying that…I..” She stuttered around and moved her feet in the sand. “..We’ll be there!!” She said quickly. Shepard smiled at her and he finished the rest of his drink. He waited for a good stopping point in Cash’s story and interrupted.
“Guys, we need to start getting back and getting ready for the party; you girls coming tonight?” He pointed at them and they were all smiles. Crazy J said that he had given them the address a few minutes ago and they would be there. Then J kinda jumped like something had bit him, or he had been shocked.
“Oh fuck!!” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his cell phone. A huge smile appeared on his face, “ITS LISA!!!!” he screamed! People up and down the beach heard him and looked his way. “She’s Facetiming me!! Do you guys know what facetime is!? Its this awesome thing where you can actually fucking see the person you’re talking to!! It’s like some shit straight out of the future! Two weeks ago I was using AOL dialup, and ..WOW!!! This is like Back to the Future shit right here!!”
Cash laughed and almost spit out his beer. The girls were slightly confused but kept their groupie smiles and played along as Crazy J answered. “Hey, you sweet sexy thing”
Nobody said a word as Crazy J stared at the phone and spoke, “Oh yeah their right here………Were having a fucking great time!.......It’s amazing!!”
The girls smiles faded and they looked at each other as there was no voice coming from the other end of the line. And one girl asked, “Are you sure there’s anyone there? I don’t hear anyone.”
Crazy J looked up at her, confused. “What? I hear Lisa just fine.” He turned the phone around to show the girls and they saw the doll. “She’s fucking stunning, isn’t she?”
Shep tried to hide his laugher and exchanged a glance with Cash as Crazy J noticed the looks on the girl’s faces and one laughed, “She’s not even real!”
“ARE YOU SAYING SHES UGLY!?.....Honey, Im gonna have to call you back.” He ended the call and Crazy J was pissed! The girls noticed this and suddenly everything became awkward. Cashed belched, crumpled up the beer can in one hand, and then tossed it on the beach. The girls looked at him in disgust and one of them became bright red and extremely pissed.
“uuuhh….Excuse me!? Are you gonna fucking pick that up?”
“Pick it up?” This amused Cash, “Darlin, I aint doin no ladies work…Cleanin - that there is ladies work…You can go head pick it up if ya like.” He pointed to his right, “I seen a trashcan back over yonder.” He paused and looked her over, “And takes them titties out, I like muh ladies cleanin with they titties out.”
She slapped Cash across the face, and it was a pretty good smack but his head never moved, instead he laughed as he pulled a beer off the plastic ring that was attached to his belt. “MM..Hmm!! …thas the way I like it. Rough. Now you bend on over and let me smack that ass check one good time and we even, darlin!!”
The girls were pissed, one stomped her feet and another started to cry and they stormed off down the beach. All three of them watched all eight tanned ass cheeks bounce as the girls walk away.
“So I see they split us up this week?” Cash asked.
Crazy J sighed, “yeah…and yall got that shitty midget as a partner this week. Sorry yall..Imma bring home that Hardcore Title tho.”
Salem started to rant:
Yeah, it’s bullshit man. Why the fuck they gotta stick him in our match!? We already beat his ass around once, and his buddy left him high and dry at Slam the other night. So he’s kinda like Kira, two people left to fight for themselves, and now their both dead weight in our match this week. Maaan, …I don’t even want this fool in our corner. Hey, you know he gonna bring that little stool to the ring again, just so he can climb up in the ring.
Cash laughed, “Did you say that stool had some words or some shit on it?”
Yeah homie!!! You didn’t see it!? It said, “This little stool is mine, I use it all the time. To reach things I couldn’t, and lots of things I shouldn’t.” You think if we throw his stool in the crowd he’ll still be able to get in the ring? ..Ah, it don’t really matter because I think the best plan of action is to NOT tag him in. Shit man, we do something stupid like that and he’ll cost us the match. I think he’s still confused about the dildo thing. Maybe I should break it down to him. Midget: your nickname is the name of a dildo and you’re about the same height as said dildo…got me, homie? It’s pretty fucking simple. I know you struggle to understand basic things with that small brain of yours, but you gotta understand…You don’t bring a fucking thing to this match and Cash I don’t NEED you and we don’t WANT you in this match. You are a liability, and you better not be the fucking reason that we lose. Let me tell you something midget, you lose us this fucking match and my boy Cash and I are gonna make sure you never see another match ever again. And I know your get your little ass butthurt over us calling you a midget. So let me clarify that one more time for you: Anyone under 5’9” should be shot or sent to Australia because its fucking freaky to see guys that are the size of girls. So yes, in our eyes, that makes you a midget, you fuckin midget!!!!! You better be fucking ready since my boy J aint in this match.
“Yeah man!!” J spoke up, “Don’t fuck my boys over while Im busy winning the Hardcore Title!! …Man, Im fired up for this match, I feel like doing a dance…Let’s dance!!!!”
“Oh shit…You know the bitches get wet when the Schizo starts to twerk!!”
Cash muttered “please don’t” and he watched as the two painted up guys started to dance like idiots and Crazy J did his best Michael Jackson.
Salem laughed, “Moonwalk? That what that was? You tryna be MJ?”
“Minus the little kids, hell yeah!!!”
Oh damn, that’s cold homie. You gonna get that Hardcore Title while Cash and I take out two whiny bitches and a smoking hot female. …I mean, let’s face it, she smoking hot…And I know you watchin this promo baby, and I know you seen that sexy little jig I just did. I bet you was checkin out my package, wasn’t ya? And maybe, ..Just maybe…after you lose this match, I might just give you a little bit of what makes the Schizo so popular with the ladies. I checked you out, no not your history, just that fine self you got goin on!!! Naw sweetie, Im just playin! ...I checked out ya old matches and some of dem old promos you aired before we got here, and uh, well…watchin you talk just gave me spank bank material for later. Know what Im sayin? …I usually don’t fight the honeys; I usually just walk right up and pull my dick out to be honest! …But if you feel so inclined ta step in the ring wit me then I gotta beat ya ass right there on the spot– and of course, I’ll beat it up backstage after that. ..Ya know you want me to. I seen how you dominated the WCF before we got here and you left you mark, and even though you are SMOKIN HOT I have to check for the Adams apple. …Don’t get mad baby girl, don’t be offended, I only have to check because it’s hard for me to believe that a female did that kind of damage to the WCF.. So I gotta make sure you aint no Brittney Griner type chic, cause if you is, I don’t swing that way. It’s hard to tell from your old promos, so the only way for me to be 100% sure you aint got nothing between yo legs swingin bigger than I do – is to check up close and personal in the ring. And if you do got a dick, then I have to admit, you the best looking He-she I ever seen!! Why you come back to the WCF now girl? When you seen me on TV for the first time did you nipples get hard? Did you touch yourself and think about me? Is that why you come back? Just so you can grab me in certain parts and throw me around!? Baby we don’t gotta be in the ring for you to throw me around…We can wrassle in them sheets all night long till you down for the three count or tap out. I usually don’t take the face paint off, but I’ll gladly rub it off on your inner thighs….
“OH SHIT!!!” J gave Shep a shove, “Shep getting fresh with the competition.”
Cash shook his head, “yeah man, you gonna help me beat her ass or you gonna flirt with her in the ring?”
Well, I might do a little bit of both. I would prefer to play with her titty nipples, but I guess I gotta beat her ass. If I can, I’ll sneak in a kiss on the cheek. …her ass cheek that is!!!! This is the first time I’ve EVER stepped into the ring with a girl so I don’t know what to do..I mean, I guess I’ll sock her straight in the face, ..but her face is soo pretty, I’d hate to fuck it all up. But I aint getting paid by ZT or WCF to get in the ring and seduce a fine bitch, I wish I was…That would be some easy work… But naw, Cash, we gotta show her why ZT is the best in the business even if we do have that little twerp in our corner….And let me tell ya something, if I see that little fucker hittin on my girl Twilight, IM GONNA FUCK THAT MIDGET UP!!!! I done claimed it already, she mine…And Im comin for ya babygirl! Im willing to bet, once we feel each other up in the ring and I take her down for the pin, she won’t want to get back up. She’ll want to stay there with me on the canvas…and we might just do that. I guess she a legend around here, and Im just a rookie, but I’ve gotten a few matches under my belt and she hasn’t been in the ring in a while. Im gonna feel bad if we send her to the hospital in her first match back, or embarrass the female legend of the WCF, but hey, we gotta do it. Kickin ass is what we do best! …Shit, I may just bring her some flowers before the match starts so I don’t feel to bad about hittin a sexy lady…its like uuhh,..what would you call it? An apology in advance!! That’s what it is!! Don’t tell nobody, but I’ll put my digits with them flowers and maybe she’ll call me after we win!!!
********
**********
“HELP!!! ..HELP!!!”
Salem heard the words coming from the backyard, it was Crazy J. He dropped his phone and jumped off the couch and sprinted to the back out the house; accidently bumping a lady carrying a tray full of food and knocking it to the floor. He could hear Crazy J still screaming and Shep had never heard him scream like that before – so he knew something was terribly wrong. He came to the back of the house, and through the massive glass doors he could see Crazy J on all fours, moving around the raft that was in the middle of the pool with fear in his eyes.
“What is it!? The fuck you screamin about?” Salem shouted as he opened the doors and stepped into the Cayman heat. Crazy J looked over and saw Shepard and reached a hand out his direction.
“DON’T JUS FUCKIN LOOK AT ME FOOL!!!! FUCKIN HELP ME, IM GONNA FLOAT AWAY!!!”
Shepard relaxed and walked over to the pool, “Its jut a pool…Its not the ocean..”
Crazy J looked around him in every direction, “…oh….Well at least pull me over, I can’t get the paint wet and I don’t wanna redo my hair.”
Shep looked around and found the pool skimmer. He extended it into the pool and J grabbed on, pulling himself back to the concrete.
“Whew! ..that was close!” Crazy J was relieved. “I coulda been lost at sea forever!”
Shep just laughed, he wasn’t going to argue with Crazy J. They went over to the bar next to the pool and the bartender fixed them some drinks. They sat in the shade of the house watching as more and more food, lights, decorations and more started to fill the backyard and the living room of the house. Cash walked by with a glass of beer in his hand. Usually he had cans, but he stepped it up a notch for the party tonight. The three sat there shooting the shit as guests started to arrive. Crazy J asked if they knew ANY of these people, but Shep and Cash didn’t have a fucking clue. They didn’t know that Erik had flown in his friends from all over the USA for the party; but the attention they had drawn earlier in the day had started to attract some locals, and there was no fence to keep anyone out as they had learned of a millionaires party happening in West Bay. A beautiful brunette caught Cash’s attention and he got up from from the chair, leaving his drink behind as he approached her. She giggled instantly, she was star struck.
“How does he do that?” Salem said with wonder and shook his head in disbelief.
Crazy J had the same look on his face. “I don’t know dawg, he just smiles at girls and they panties drop.”
“Yeah, ..fuck..I see that. Man, I have to work my ass off to get laid.”
A serious look came over Crazy J’s face, “Gotta give it to the man though, he gets pussy thrown in his face all the time and he always turns it down. Hes faithful, he just likes to make sure that ‘he still has it’ with the ladies.”
An odd smile formed over Salem’s face and he reached into his pocket and pulled out his prescription bottle. He looked at J and shook the bottle of pills in his hand before pulling out two of the capsules. He pulled them in half and shook out all the powder into his hand. Crazy J asked what it was, and Shep told him it was his Schizo meds.
Curious, Crazy J asked, “What are you doing with it?”
“Watch this..” Salem muttered as he dumped the powder into Cash’s beer glass. For a moment the powder clumped up at the top of the glass but Shep poured a little of his beer in and stirred it with his finger. Crazy J tried to hide his laugh as Cash was still close and only moments later did Cash turn around and come back for his beer. He winked at his two painted friends, telling them without words he could have torn that pussy up five times by now – if he felt like it. He drank half of the contents of his glass and a weird look came across his face; he held the glass up and looked at it but only shrugged and kept on drinking as he went back to the female he was leading on. Shepard kept a close eye on Cash,
“just wait, …watch what happens..”
********
Guests had arrived and the party was in full swing. They didn’t know any of the people here, but that didn’t stop them from having a good time. Music blasted all throughout the bay mixed with laughter and splashes from the pool. Crazy J was getting a lap dance from a girl with the biggest fake tits that Salem had ever seen. And she wasn’t the only one, J had several more big titty bitches rubbing his shoulders, playing with his mohawk, whispering things into his ear and treating him like a King. It was his party after all. But Cash on the other hand, he hadn’t been his regular self that could get panties to drop in an instant like he had earlier. He had become less social and more erratic since Salem had put his pills in Cash's drink. He kept a close eye on Cash who walked up to one of the ice sculptures and slowly his hand across it. There were several huge blocks of ice with different carvings. One was a dolphin, one was a giant ZT, and the one Cash was touching was a perfectly porportioned lady. Salem laughed as he saw Cash caressing the ice block like it was a real person; and the smile got even bigger as Cash bear hugged the ice block, took it off its pedestal and tossed it on the floor - where surprisingly it didn’t break.
"YOU FUCKIN WHORE!!....Ya don’t fuckin talk that mess ta me!" Cash screamed and most the guests had now turned their attention to him as Salem got up from his chair and started to walk that way. "SALEM!!!" Cash yelled, "Bring me our partner."
Salem smiled a huge grin, turned around and grabbed the dildo from the table and tossed it over to Cash. Cash looked at the dildo and spoke to it while kneeling next to the ice sculpture. "Now....You listen here you fuckin sumbitch...Salem and I, we don’t take to kindly to little midget folks tryna fight on our side this week."
Cash poked his finger at the dildo with the drawn on face.
"We done already stomped yer midget ass once, and I'll be a sumbitch if you cost us a match just cause Seth wanna put ya on our side. Just cause you the winless wonder 'round here don’t mean you get to piggyback on Z muhfuckin T to get a win...comprende?"
Crazy J had got up from his chair and walked over to Salem, "It’s the pills kickin in?"
Shepard nodded, "yeah...Give him another minute. We need to get him in the house after that and we'll do the deed."
"The deed?" Crazy J looked confused.
"You know...the plan...the plan we had, homie."
Cash continued to talk to the dildo in front of the ice sculpture of the lady. "Now, midget, let me introduce ya. ..This here lady is whore, ..and whore, this is midget. Now let’s see what happens when a whore takes on a midget!"
Cash took the dildo and started hammering away at the face of the ice sculpture but it didn’t do any damage. "See midget, I goddamn told ya - you as worthless as a titty on a knee!"
Cash tossed the dildo back to Salem as he kept his attention on the melting sculpture, "Now, whore...Twilight...whatever yer name is...That midget aint gonna beat ya, but ZT will…bitch." Cash uttered the last word as he took his boot and stomped on the sculptures face, shattering it into small pieces of ice that quickly started to melt in the Cayman heat. Cash looked around at all the attention he had gotten. That’s when Salem noticed that some of the locals had come...They were dirty and several of them didn’t have any shoes on. "Junkies" he thought, "best to stay away from them..."
Cash stumbled, steadied his balance and rubbed the side of his head, "What in the sumbitchin hell is going on? ....damn, I don’t feel right.."
He passed by Crazy J, who was back to getting a lap dance and Cash pinched the tit of the girl as he passed by. Cash then told Salem he was gonna go lay down for a minute and he disappeared into the house as Salem followed him.
“What you hiding for, Cash? You gonna turn on us like Adrian turned on Kaine?”
Cash really wasn’t in the mood, “What!? Fuck-er you talkin bout?”
Im just fucking with you, homie…Do you blame the guy for turning on his own teammate? It not like Midget brings much to the table other than speed and some technical small man moves….That’s all he really has going for him. We saw it from day number one, it just took Archer a little longer to see that. C’mon man, he knew that he had ZERO shot of taking down ZT with Kaine over in his corner…Hell, he’s gotta better thing going now with Kira and Twilight. I feel like we got the shitty end of the stick here, homie. You know Archer be laughin when he looked at the card and saw Kaine on our side of the fence. And Im sure there was a sigh of relief when he saw Twilight was in and Crazy J was out.
“You don’t have to be Magnificent to see that….” Cash muttered.
I don’t like this fool sittin around having drinks with my girl!! He tryna get to Twilight before I do, but that’s ok…he’s not the one that gets to grab her ass in the ring….He might be tryin to grab yo ass though, Cash!! ..haha….Archer don’t even know what’s gonna hit him in this match…Hell, he don’t know nothing about us. He thinks you’re from Texas! Haha I watched what he had to say the other day, and none of it makes any sense at all. Its obvious that he knows nothing about us, kinda like Bishop. It was clear that the Peoples Champ didn’t watch my promo last week either - because I don’t do “gay jokes” as he says.
Cash raised his head from the couch, “Did you just say the pee-hole Champ?”
No, I didn’t….
“Well…” Cash said as he closed his eyes, “My pee-hole has more talent than he does. And Archer too…
I…did not need to know that, homie. I hope you don’t try to whip it out and beat him with it, cause I know the ladies will flock to the ring and surround you… I don’t know why they do, but they love you. You didn’t do your homework Archer, the wine had twilights head all fucked up when she thought you had done your homework. Everything you stated about Cash is incorrect from what he drives to where he’s from…All of it, it was all wrong. And Cash comes to the ring drunk? Wow, I didn’t know that either. …I thought you did your homework? Somebody hasn’t watched our promos!! …Big shocker there!! And again with the “Insane Clown posse thing”….Ok, lets clear the air on that AGAIN since Archer CLEARLY hasn’t watched my promos..
“You said that already..”
SHUT UP CASH!!!! I’ll explain this ONE MORE TIME for the morons that can’t watch my promos. I do NOT like ICP at all, I don’t listen to it – and Crazy J hates that shit even more than I do. I don’t wear clown paint; none of you have ever seen me paint my face like ICP or a clown. Nope. Never. Not once. I’ve painted giant teeth across my cheeks, upside down cross on my forehead, painted my face like a skull, or just intricate designs since I’ve been here. Usually, J and I both go with white paint with black circles around the eyes. That looks nothing like ICP, and it looks NOTHING like a clown. Jesus fuck, Archer, do you pay attention to anything!? ..Yet, here’s the guy who did his homework! Haha!! Look at all the wrestling legends who’ve painted their faces over the years, did they wanna be just like ICP too? How about Alice Cooper, who I fucking love, or Marilyn Manson who I fucking love even more than Alice Cooper. Or what about Kiss? I don’t like them at all, but they paint their faces. Are they trying to be ICP before there was an ICP? I don’t really listen to rap anyway, …but were those guys trying to be someone else because they painted their faces? Who was Alice Cooper trying to be? Who were the wrestling legends of the past trying to be? …You see how stupid that is, Archer? You’ll say “oohh that makes him mad!!” No, it doesn’t make me mad at all. It blows my fucking mind is what it does!!! It blows my mind that people like you just assume were Juggaloos, or whatever they fuck they call themselves. So if you really did your homework as Twilight claims, you better let the dog eat that shit cause you gonna fail, mother fucker.
Cash was almost asleep, “tell em why you paint ya face..”
I have before, but it still doesn’t do any good. I paint my face to hide the person that I was. The thief, the lair, the vandal, the hoodlum and the addict. Seeing my unpainted face brings my past back to me, it’s a pathetic fucking reminder of the piece of shit that I used to be. So, I paint my face. I hide that piece of shit underneath. Painted up, Im Salem Schizo Shepard. The wrestler. The ZT member. The rookie on the WCF roster, ….the sober guy. The guy who’s learned from all those past mistakes and got himself out of that situation before he ended up in jail. I’ve overcome a lot in my life, and getting pinned by the Champ is just something else I have to overcome. Like everything else in my life, I will take that mistake and correct it. It won’t be like my heroin addiction where I lost over and over AND OVER AGAIN!!! …My doped up mind couldn’t understand why I kept losing the battle, why I kept getting knocked down… But I found a solution to that, and I can’t tell any of you what I did…but I use that same solution for everything in my life. Getting pinned quickly by Battle was eerie similar to that addiction, but I wont be the bitch that keeps getting knocked down…I learned, I learned how to perceive.
“Persevere, ya mean.” Cash said
Oh!!! Well, aren’t you a fucking scholar!!! School wasn’t our best subject…
“Speak for yerself…and ‘school’ isn’t a subject.”
What the fuck ever!!! That dick has the nerve to call me unoriginal, but he doesn’t even know who the fuck HE is!!! Hell, the next time he changes his name he’ll be “The Wrestler formerly known as Archer” and after that he’ll just have a symbol for a name. ....or didn’t he do that already?... And he call me unoriginal!? ..fuck outta here with that shit! I mean, this guy blows my fucking mind. He says that we came here with an entitlement attitude…and at the risk of sounding like a broken record, ..I guess he’s never watched my promos….God, Im getting tired of saying that! How many times have I said I have a lot to prove to the WCF? How many times before our match with Battle did I say, “One day I’ll get to step in the ring with him, but Im not at that level yet.” I wasn’t aware that’s an entitled attitude? I guess Im supposed to say, “yes, I demand a World Title shot right now because Im the best in the WCF!!!” Who in the fuck came up with that shit!? Ive NEVER said anything like that.
Cash started to drift off to sleep, “…But he did his homework…”
Yeah, apparently he did!!! I don’t know where he got his material from, or what sources he used, but he fuckin failed. Wicki is full of bad info if that’s where he pulled your homework from; they got all kinds of shit wrong about me. But maybe he wrote my Wicki? This is the guy who thinks he knows all about us, and he thinks he’s going to win this match!? It’s clear that he doesn’t take me seriously and it’s obvious that he’s overlooking us. Archer, you were the only guy that had a match after the King of the Deathmatch thing, good for you!! You wanted to compete, so that says more than I can say for some of the guys competing in the Deathmatch. Archer, is painfully clear that you know NOTHING about Cash or myself. You can’t even get the basics right, so it’s hard for me to believe that you actually have a shot at winning this match. That Deathmatch thing was brutal, maybe it fucked your head up? I think you might go and get it checked out because you’re more delusional than I am. There is a person in this match that does know Cash and myself, and its that little Asian. Yeah, the one we kicked out of Zero Tolerance because he couldn’t pull his weight. I guess its easier to take random people off the street and kill them than it is to get back at ZT. Kira, those people you killed last week don’t have the talent that Cash, J and I do. Yeah, its easier to go find strangers that you are physically superior to and kill them….But are you gonna get those same results this week?
Cash mumbled to himself, mostly asleep “nope..” He laughed and drifted off to sleep for good.
That’s right Kira, J and Cash were the guys that got you into the WCF to begin with but you never showed them any appreciation; and you never showed them that you had the skill to be a great wrestler. Yeah, you looked good in the ZT wrestling school; but those guys are weak shit compared to the WCF roster. You proved to us that you were the plastic link in our metal chain. And since we’ve been here, I’ve wondered if this wrestling shit was for you anyway because you can’t go around killing people in the ring. You can’t tie me to some medieval machine and pull my guts out. It’s fuckin great that you do that stuff outside the ring, and it appears your better at killing people than you are wrestling people. Maybe you need a new line of work? Yeah, we basically tried to tell you that when we stomped your ass and threw you out of Zero Tolerance. I know you’re mad, I know you’ll rant in a language that nobody here understands, and I know that you’ll be out for blood. Im sure you’ve dreamed of this match for weeks now, knowing that you’ll get a chance to avenge the beating we gave you when we tossed you to the side. ..but the blood that you’re capable of spilling outside the ring is completely irrelevant to what’s happening in the match.. There are no knifes or torture devices here for you Kira. You only have your fists and your feet, and we’ve all seen that you aren’t quite the man you claim to be when you can’t tie people up and dress them like Cash would do a deer. I almost felt sorry for you when Cash and J told me we would be removing you from ZT, ..but after I laid you out and Crazy J beat you with a microphone, ..I didn’t feel sorry for you anymore. I had a blast!!! …Just like Cash and I will when we win this match….
**********
"That looks fucking great, ya know?" Crazy J looked over at Salem with a smile of approval. J's eyes were glazed over and red and he was drunk as shit.. Salem though, Salem had managed to keep himself pretty sober, only running off to smoke a joint here and there....He hid because he didn’t like to share. He didn’t believe in the "sharing is caring" motto. He had found his girlfriend fucking his best friend several years back and that’s when he decided he didn’t like the phrase "sharing is caring" anymore.
"Yeah, we fuckin nailed it." Salem agreed with J as they both looked down at Cash who was sleeping on the couch. The camera moved down and focused on Cash. His face was painted and it shimmered in spots because of the metal flakes in the paint. Spray paint. Both these guys were graffiti artists and had tagged their fair share of concrete.
J nudged Shep, “You know what he looks like now, Schizo?"
"Uum....Us two?"
"Well...yeah, kinda.... but he looks like a scarecrow now!!...Scarecrow Cash!!"
Shep started to run out of the room, "Hang on!! I'll be right back!! I got an idea!!"
Shep returned a minute later with two handfuls of long grass that had died and turned brown in the heat. He shoved some into Cash's boots, the waist of his pants and more up under his hat - which woke up our Hillbilly Hero. His eyes adjusted and his pupils were the size of pen points, he shot up from the couch, picked up his hat and put it on.
"...Fuck we at?..." Cash muttered.
"Well, were still in Cayman. We saw you was sleepin dawg, so we woke ya up!" J tried to not laugh as he spoke and Salem had to turn around completely. "We didn’t want you to miss out on my party."
Cash looked around, "Where the hell is my dog?"
"Your dog!?...You aint got no dog here." J looked around the floor just to double check himself.
"Ta fuck I dint...I seen 'em earlier."
Cash walked around the main room of the house, searching for the dog that was never there. Salem got a good kick out of this, he knew that Cash was going to hallucinate with the meds he gave him. Cash looked out the window into the backyard and saw his own painted reflection.
"HOLY FUCK!! Der some creepy fucker outside lookin at me!!"
"Where!?" Shep came and stood next to Cash, looking in the same direction.
"Outside! Look! His face is all painted like yers!!"
Crazy J grabbed Cash by the arm and started to pull him through the house. Cash protested and tried to pull away; saying the creepy asshole outside probably took his dog, and had more than likely eaten him. But J kept his grip and led him to a hallway though the crowds of people where there was a mirror that ran from the floor to the ceiling. J pushed a random person out of the way and Jason Cash froze when he looked in the mirror. He saw his painted face, the straw coming out from under his hat, his waistline and his boots.
"What the holy fuck is this shit!?"
Cash ran his hand across his face and the paint didn’t come off. It was going to take a lot more than that to get the spray paint off. He stretched his cheeks and rubbed his forehead and looked at his hands. Nothing. He looked at his two painted friends and they held up their hands and gestured they didn’t do anything. Cash insisted they did and wanted to touch Salems paint, so Cash swiped the side of his cheek and looking at his finger – it was covered in white paint. Hes eyes were huge when he looked back to Salem.
“See? …we didn’t do it, homie. I don’t think that’s paint anyway.”
Cash started to get pissed and slammed his fist through the wall and the chatter in the room died down …they stared at Cash. “Who done it!?...Who the sumbitch that painted my face!?” Of course nobody said a word as he stared them down; but after a minute he seemed to lose his focus went back to looking in the mirror touching his face. And then he noticed something on his arms, both of them and it made his heart race. His hands and arm had been sewn together at the wrists and small pieces of straw stuck out between the stiches. There were more stitches connecting his elbows to his upper arm; he looked at his arm and saw how misshapen his forearms were. They seemed lumpy in places, stretched in parts and loose in others. He touched the skin of his right forearm and felt the poking of the straw underneath that filled his body. A million thoughts raced through his mind as he continued to look at his arms; which were nothing more than skin filled with hay. He looked back in the mirror and stretched down his shirt around his neck and saw the same stitches attaching his head to his body. The top of his chest and his neck was the only thing showing, but it was as deformed as his arms. Except these stitches had blood that seemed to have dried. He looked closer at his hay filled body and realized his head was completely flesh.
“Jesus Fucking Christ.” He turned to look at his friends, “Im a fucking scarecrow?” Cash looked around the room and took a step backward. He could feel the straw that filled his body. He could feel it shifting under his skin with every move he made. He could feel it poking into his skin on the bottoms of his feet. The worst was the stabbing pains that came from the flesh of his head rubbing on the rough, unforgiving hay that formed his body. They laughed at him, he freaked out and Jason Cash took off.
Crazy J and Shepard laughed the whole time. They watched Cash look over his arms and freak out about being a scarecrow, and they loved every minute of it. Well, until he took off. They both agreed that they needed to go find our Hillbilly Hero, but neither of them made it very far as they got distracted and the party was on.
************
(Some point during the night)
The inside of the house was trashed. There were two people fucking in the corner trying to hide behind a giant vase with a fake plant, but they were doing a miserable job.. Not that it would have mattered cause everyone in the house heard her. The camera panned through the windows to the back porch were people were gathered in a giant circle as something was happening. The camera man decided to weave his way through the mess of people, two of them shooting up, as we went out the front door. Compared to the backyard it was quiet out here. There was not a person to be seen and cars lined both sides of the street for the party. He (or she) was just happy to feel the wind and the fresh air instead of the noise and the smell of pot and sex inside the house. But then there came a noise, like a grunt. Eriks house was at the end of the street and on the north side, where it was all tall brush – and that’s where the noise came from. The camera moved that way and the noise was heard again mixed with the wind blowing through the tall brush. The camera guy flipped on the bigger light and there was Salem’s white face, lookin like a deer caught in the headlights. His white-out eye contacts seemed to float in his face with the black paint that surrounded his eyes. We could only see from the top of his chest from the brush. He stuttered his words and seemed really embarrassed.
“Hey!!! I …uh…Y-you know, y-you really caught me at a bad time…haha”
He tried to wave the camera away with one hand while looking back down in front of him. He moaned and his eyes seemed to roll back in his head. He let out a sigh and looked back to the camera, “Ok Im good! You can continuUUUUU-WOOAH HEY!!!” His breathing picked up as he looked back down and laughed, “I’ve never seen anyone do that before….damn girl, you’re awesome.”
Moments later a head popped up, shorter than Shepard and she had her back turned to us as she tried to make her way from the brush. Shepard tried to hide this girl from the camera as he made his way over, but the camera guy was more interested in Shepard’s mystery lady. We approached her front behind and she was wearing a sleeveless blue top, short denim shorts and flip-flops. She came into the lights on the house and the first thing you notice was the cellulite on her legs and the small blue veins that coursed her skin. She heard noises approaching from behind and turned around. Her face sagged, withered with age and as she smiled we saw that she didn’t have a tooth in her head. She wasn’t wearing a bra and her saggy old lady boobs seemed to droop down to her belly button. This lady was old, and her black dyed hair was the only thing that didn’t look a day past 75.
Shepard ran up from behind and stood directly in front of her, blocking her from the camera, “Hey now!! Why don’t we go back in the front door and let this nice young lady continue on to the party? Ok!?”
An old voice came from behind, “oohhh, you’re just too sweet.”
Shepard gave and awkward laugh and glanced over his shoulder, “go on!” he tried to say quietly, “go! I’ll get witcha later.”
“I just wanna say hi to the camera is all!” the old voice came again.
Shame, pure shame came over face. He lowered his head and moved out of the way. The old lady was standing there, smiling her toothless smile. She had two curly hairs on her chin and her wrinkled cheeks hung low. Her skin was so brown it looked like old, hard leather; and she had massive sunspots on her shoulders that no doubt formed in the year 1922. She cleared her old throat that was full of….well….we all have a good idea what it was full of. And she spoke.
“I just wanted to say, …My name is Esther. I was born in Jersey but I moved here with my daddy when I was a little girl. He got remarried to a harlot. A harlot she was, but she did teach me a few things. And the best thing I learned from her was to get down on your knees and ---“
“Ooook!!!” Shepard cut her off. “I think that’s enough, they charge me by the minute so we have to wrap this up. Go enjoy yourself girl!” He slapped her on the ass as she giggled and walked away.
Shepard looked at the camera with his head cocked to the side and eyes fixed straight ahead. “You just couldn’t give me 5 fucking minutes could you? I been trying to shake you all night –I finally get away and BLAAM!!! Here you are!!! Right back in my fucking face again!! You wanna know what I was doing!? Yeah, of course you do…Let’s just tell the whole fucking world then!? I was getting a BJ, ok!? That’s all!! And yeah, I know, the bitch had no teeth!! But have you ever had a ‘gummer hummer??’ ….Don ‘t knock it till ya try it, ok!? God made old ladies teeth fall out for a reason, and that’s to give Gummer Hummers. Alright? …it’s the best thing God ever created if ya really want to know. ACTUALLY!!!! While Im on blast to the whole fucking world, it was Jaymz that told me all about the Gummer Hummer and talked it up. It turns out he was right.”
“A gummer hummer?” A voice came from the brush. The camera moved that way and we saw the painted face of Jason Cash in the brush. “I wish I could have one…” His voice was very clear. He was no longer drunk, he was just hallucinating out of his mind.
“There you are!!” Salem walked back through the brush over to Cash. “Fuck you doin out here in the brush Cash?”
“I am not Jason Cash” he sighed, “I am a scarecrow.” He seemed sad about this.
“Ok, well, scarecrow, what you doin out here? We was lookin for ya earlier.”
“I came out here to poop.”
Shepard seemed a little taken back by this comment, “then why don’t you shit in the house, homie?”
“You ever seen a scarecrow poop in the house?”
Shepard nodded, “…good point.”
Cash turned and looked at Shepard, “But there’s another problem I have here.”
“What?”
“You ever seen a scarecrow with an asshole? I don’t have no asshole. …How am I gonna poop?”
“Yeeaah…Umm..” Shepard scratched his head, “That’s kind of a personal problem, yo. You sure you aint got no asshole? I mean, you got arms and legs."
Cash shook his head No, "I got skin arms, legs and a head. I done opened my shirt and nothing but hay. I looked in my pants, nothing but hay. ...Got no asshole."
************
(Another point during the night)
There had been several fights by this point but nobody called the cops; the people starting shit had been removed from the house and all was civil again. The music still blasted, beer cans floated in the pool and by this point; and there were couples fucking in almost every dark spot outside and every bedroom in the house. Shepard was coming back around the side of the house to the back yard where the party was; he had hid to smoke another joint and it wasn’t mixing very well with the alcohol...This was new to him, and he made a mental note to never smoke and drink all at the same time ever again. There was something going on in the backyard and a huge circle formed around it. He could hear a lady moaning, somewhere between pleasure and pain, he wasn’t sure. The moans came again from inside the human circle, and then the sounds of a donkey followed. Some people standing around were disgusted, some laughed, one vomited. Shepard started to push his way through the crowd when he heard the lady and the donkey at the same time; and suddenly realized he didn’t want to know what the fuck was going on in the middle of this crowd. Then it hit him: This is why the lady brought the donkey here!? He turned around and walked off, not wanting to see what the lady and the donkey were doing. He looked around and noticed Cash standing on a chair with his arms out, Shep smiled, knowing Cash still thought he was a scarecrow. He enjoyed this immensely and made another mental note: "Give Cash my meds more often." He got another drink from the bartender where a beautiful woman with blue eyes and dark brown hair sat and smiled at him. She was fine, and most importantly - she was his age. He moved down the bar next to her and introduced himself. They started conversation as Crazy J busted through the crowd of people that were watching the lady and the donkey, he was screaming for Shep. He saw his painted friend and ran over to the bar with his cell phone in hand,
"Dawg!! Check this shit out man!!!" J pushed his way between Shep and the girl.
Shep was a little irritated, "Wassup homie? This is Ashley, I was trying to talk to her before you came along and interrupted us!"
"Well, hello Ashley. Im big daddy J, the one and only, and bitch Im getting married!!!"
Ashley smiled and laughed at the two as Crazy J said it was only going to take a second. He poked around on his phone until he found what he was looking for. "Ashley, could you excuse Shep and I for a second, I have to show him this!!!!"
She seemed a little put off by Crazy J and his comment, "Actually, Shep and I were about to head upstairs..."
"OH SHIT!!!" J shouted, "Did I just cock block you Shep!? ...No worries. Ashley listen, he has AIDs ok? You don’t want to mess with that shit. He caught it from a baboon he fucked at the zoo several weeks ago. And listen, this is totally speculation because I haven’t seen it myself, but he said his dick is flaky. Kinda like when you get sunburned and you peel. It’s something like that, ...that’s what he told me anyway. Scouts honor. You have my word."
Ashely didn’t even respond. Her eyes were as big as dinner plates and she gave Shepard a pissed off look - followed by a look of disgust. "Oh. My. God. Are you serious?"
"Yup, he’s nasty. Now move along, honey." J motioned here away with his hand.
She took her drink and stomped off. Shepard slapped J on the back of the head, almost making him drop his phone. "Da fuck did you do that for!? I was working on my 3rd girl tonight."
"WOOAAHHH!!!!!! Hold up homie!!!" J looked serious, "The scarecrow guy told me about the granny you hooked up with earlier this evening."
"oh Jesus" Pure shame came across Salem’s face again. "Never mind that, what do you want to show me?"
Crazy J held out his phone for Shepard to see and pushed play on the video. It was loud so we couldn’t hear what the video was, but Salem’s eyes grew wide and he put his hand over his mouth before turning and vomiting all over the concrete.
Crazy J jumped clear of the splattering vomit, "What the fuck!? ...That shouldn’t make you puke. That was love, you can’t deny them that....It’s not nasty."
Shep wiped his mouth, "That donkey was fuckin that girl!?!?!? Is that what was going on over there! ...And how did you get a close-up of that!? WHY would you get a close up of that!?"
J's smile disappeared, "Well....some of us don’t stand to the side and get shitty video. That donkey was nailing her, and she loved it...so I managed to get under the donkey, between the two of them and record it. It was a little smelly under that donkey, and I had to dodge his balls a time or two...but hey, I got the best video of anyone here!!!"
"GET OUT MY CROPS!!!!!" The scream came from the far end of the house where the brush was. It was also the same place that Cash was standing on the chair with his arms out. J and Shep watched him jump off and into the brush. He continued to scream at someone and finally a man ran from the bushes...He was covered in blood and had a baby goat on his shoulder.
"YOU TRYNA STEAL MY CORN!?" Cash burst through the tall grass and back into the yard. He charged at the man who screamed in terror as Cash took the baby goat off his shoulder and tossed it into the pool. The pool was a good 30 yards away and the goat called out as it flew in the air before landing in the clear water. Gasps and screams came from some of the girls and several of them ran to the pool to help the baby goat. Cash rocked the chin of the man painted in red and he went to the ground.
"Cash just threw that baby horse in the pool!!" J laughed, this excited him.
"It was a goat."
"WHATEVER!!!...They all look the same!!!"
Cash had pulverized the man and pulled him to his feet and walked him over to Crazy J and Shepard. "Guys, we need to call the cops. This man was trying to steal my crops. I was just doing my job and keeping the crows away, but I keep everything away from my corn."
Crazy J looked over and saw someone holding the baby goat that was soaking wet. J was overcome with emotion, "ooohhhh...LOOK!!! That lady already gave birth to her donkey baby!!! I can’t believe it, bring the baby donkey-human here, I want to show him how his mom and donkey dad made him!"
The lady carrying the baby goat only glared at the ZT trio as she ran into the house with the baby animal. Cash looked at his friends and said he was going back to take his post in front of his crops, because that’s what scarecrows do. Shep and J agreed with him and laughed as he walked off.
J looked at Shep, "Let’s go get fucked up...and I'll find you another girlfriend. One your age...c'mon.." And the party continued on as the scene faded out.....
