Allegory Breakfast LOL
Jul 2, 2016 12:27:23 GMT -5
Crow McMorris, Stuart Slane, and 2 more like this
Post by Zombie DankMorris on Jul 2, 2016 12:27:23 GMT -5
RP 1
WCF – Slam!
The DRG
vs.
The Plague Badgers ( LOL YAH, WE DOIN DAT )
______________________
Chapter I: The Allegory Breakfast
Epsteins Deli. Hyde Park, CT.
Blast! What was it? Honey Badger vs 3 scrubs + 1 FGT whose a closet German ( Pronounced Queerman for the uninitiated) And lets face it; its been 4 years, you know what Honey Badger do by now and we all knew that Honey Badger would retain his title. Dats how you conquer and redefine an entire division. But this week? Shee-itt.. Has Honey Badger squared off against a FGT named the fudge Mountain and Teo?
Wait.. Teddy Blaze, again? Like 4 for 4 weeks now.
Him? Fuck, Guess imam have to go extra try hard on him. We goin off. Except.. which ZMAC you gone get? The Evil Incarnate or Honey Badger?
Interesting questions. Guess we’ll find out.
Tucked away in the slow growing economy of Barry Oaks e-CON-o –Me and this generations self inflicted wounds of selfies, farmvilles and fancy electric rolodex’s, a business emerged out of the rubble. Epsteins Deli was just outside of Buddy Romans beloved Hyde Park. Buddy Has been a regular for quiet some time and a silent partner. It was humid and balmy as thunder clouds began to roll in. It was not ominous in the fact that there is a match with the DRG, but the fact that this was wrestling related and Buddy Roman is a Mad Dog Killer disguised as a Jewish sausage stuffed in a three piece suit. It was perfect; everyone forgot who and what Buddy Roman is and that will be rectified. Roman in toe with that Dank Darkness of America stood outside the deli and waited for one Kevin Bishop [ newly crowned US champ] and Silver Goldstein [ Jew in training ]. This was decided upon by the two parties so that the talent agency of Silver Goldstein could get aquatinted [ see: corrupted ] by The Shape, Vincent Buddy Roman. They waited outside patiently for Silver and Bishop but if there is one thing Buddy doesn’t like, its ill –punctual Jews. Ol’ X and Z were smoking blunts while Roman curled the edges of a gift box. Buddy Roman lifted up his sleeve and checked the watch that clearly wasn’t there and cursed the day the Jews walked the earth.
“ If this Silver guy is trying to impress me, he’s failing.” Buddy Roman tapped his foot against the ground in annoyance as ol’ X spoke up.
“ Yo man, chill out. He’s got like twenty minutes.” Replied ol’ X, hittin up the spiff.
“ And Twenty minutes early is ten minutes late in the Jew world. I mean do you even know what year it is for us Jews; 5776.”
“ Is that BC or AD?”
“ Neither. Time didn’t magically split just because the shiftiest Jew to walk the earth decided to rob a bank .”
“ Dude, that’s wicked offensive. I’m not even Christian and that’s disgusting.”
“ O, I’m sorry, ol’ X, did I offend you? Arnt you US champion? Arnt you supposed to defend my freedoms?”
Buddy Roman turns and looks at Ol’ X’s waist and gasps with sarcasm.
“ Wait, you mean you’re not? I – I had no idea. I wonder who – that’s right. Kevin Bishop, the piece of shit whose – “
Enter Silver and Bishop from around the corner of the building.
“ EARLY!” Exclaims Buddy Roman with a shark tooth grin as he embraces both Silver and Bishop with a hearty maple flavored breakfast sausage handshake before giving Bishop his gift.
“ Whats this?” Asks Bishop, looking at Roman then at Silver then back at the box.
“ It’s a,a, gift. A congratulations. On becoming..” Buddy Roman turns back and glares at ol’ X before finishing his sentence; “ UNITED STATES CHAMPION!”
Mikey Extreme flicks his spiff away and walks into the deli.
“ What is it?” Bishops asks again.
“ You’ll have to open it up and see. “ Smiles Roman.
“ It’s a clock radio!” Yells Mikey Extreme from inside; trying to spoil Roman Surprise – but not really.
Silver gronk-spikes a gift he had behind his back “ Damn it!” he shouts but then quickly steps in front of the shattered gift and tries to cover up for it. “ I mean, DAMN IT! That’s a great gift!”
Bishop opens up the box to see a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat.
“ Um thanks man, but why?”
“ Come gentlemen, lets go inside and get something to eat.” Buddy Roman puts his arms around Bishop and Silver and walks them inside. Buddy Roman leads Silver and Bishop to a booth off to the left of the establishment that’s up against the window facing the street. The men settle in and get their placements. “ So gentlemen, we are here because your client and MY client are tag team partners this week against Bates and Teddy Blaze- er.. Zombie, who the hell is this?”
“ Teddy Blaze, Teo.. same guy. I should know, I only fought him every week for the past near two months.”
Buddy Roman looks confused.
“ Why? You know what, nevermind. Its Bates and that’s just a mistake on Blazes part. I’m here to make that you boys know what we’re getting into this week.”
“ I know exactly what I’m getting into this week. Seth teamed me up with ZMAC as a random partner to try and keep me down.”
The Dark-Mericans look at each and laugh
“ HAHAHA. Nah son, Seths a fucking goon. If he wanted to keep you down he wouldn’t put you with me to stick our dicks up the Fudge mountains asshole. Seth wanted to put the US champ with the Internet champ to cause all sorts of havoc. “ Says ZMAC.
Mikey Extreme looks at ZMAC and in a monotone voice says, “ Yah ZMAC. He did.” Mikey Extreme hints at them Dark-Merican joints but is blinding by the gleaming gold of the WCF US title around Bishops waist; holding his eyes in pain. “ Ah, damn it!”
“ More importantly –“ Interrupts Buddy Roman. “ Its about making sure that You, Sliver, are the best Jew that you can be. Also that Bishop is seen as a fighting champion beyond that mire of cult leaders.”
“ I can assure you, Vincent that MY client is above all of that.”
“ Above all that, indeed. But we are to get to the bottom of this week
and rip the lungs and the guts of out Thomas Bates. Because let me tell
you something about Bates, that piece of shit- that backwards asscan of
a trashcan- the man would be nothing without the DRG. He would be
nothing without little cronies to follow him because absolutely no one
takes him seriously. This week will be no different because the world
wants to belittle out new US champion and treat him like he doesn’t
matter. This is his first week as champion and this week must be a
strong week. It must be a proud week. It must be a week that we put the
WCF notice that WE are here and WE are not going anywhere. We shall not
bow or break to the Bates clan and all the stupid bullshit that they
thinks make them cool.
OHHH LOOK AT ME, IM A THOMAS BATES AND IM IN A GANG… IM A TOUGH GUYS WHO DOES TOUGH THINGS. I DRINK MOLTEN NAILS AND JERK OFF WITH BATTERY ACID.
PSHH, its moronic. Who is a Thomas Bates compared to us? Who is a Thomas Bates to the Internet champion and the US Champion- he’s a nobody. It is HIM that needs to scurry around looking for a crumb and try to become socially relevant again. Its quite sad, really. Its quite sad and he should be ashamed of himself. He should feel bad for himself. He wants to come back to WCF and try and become this big unstoppable force. Well, how can he when we are looking at that force. The Dark-Mericans and the Plague are the newest, hottest force in the WCF and it is one that cannot be stopped anytime soon. So I wanted to thank all of you for being here today so we can mark the beginning of this most glorious union.”
The waitress comes over for a food order and Buddy Roman starts off.
“ I’ll have a Tuna on Rye.” He says proudly.
“ I’ll have the same.” Says Silver, trying to learn from the realist Jew in dah room.
ZMAC passes as the waitress makes her way to Bishop and Extreme.
“ I’ll have an order of freedom toast and liberty hashbrowns.” Says Extreme, trying to drop the pride bomb on Bishop who no sells it.
“ I’ll have the same.” He replies. Extreme glares at him and changes his order.
“ Whats the biggest, most American thing on the menu?”
“ The Odin Balfore.” She replies.
“ I’ll take it!” Demands Extreme.
“ Sir, noones ever finished it except for Odin Balfore. Its twelve large waffles, four whole loafs of French toast, nine dozen eggs, five pounds of bacon and four three whole fried chicken..” The Waitress tries to talk down Extreme but he’s not having it.
“ Then I’ll take it!”
“ I’ll take two.” Says Bishops with a wink.
“ SON OF A BITCH!” yells Extreme, pounding his fist on the table.
“ Children, please. We’re not here for this. This Week Bates will learn that he made the biggest mistake of his life. We are here to take over WCF and that is not one of those false threats that a lot of people make around here. Unlike Thomas Bates, Zombie McMorris has taken over the company from the lowest rank to the highest ranks with The Vapor Kingz and now Dat Hawt American Darkness. The DRG has always been an inferior heel stable with unstable and members that cannot be counted on. Gonzo, Danny Anderson, Thomas Bates himself. That is why Mikey Extreme saw the light and decided that whats best for him is leave the mountain that tied to better men. But truthfully he thinks himself a legend, but hes not. He will always be the shadow of bigger men, literally. Odin Balfore bench presses planets. Bates thinks himself a legend without a title and there are just over forty unque world champions, Thomas Bates is not one of them. He may never be one of them and IF he ever was, there are only nineteen men in the Hall of Fame. What has he done to even get into the Hall of Fame? The answer is nothing. Not all of the forty guys that have held the WCF title are hall of fame guys. Bates just needs to face it, he’s a slower, fatter, uglier Jay Omega.. A shitty waste of space that is holding a spot that someone else can occupy… someone like Mikey Extreme or Bishop. This week is when Bates faces the grim reality that he is a never was in WCF. There is always someone bigger, better, faster, stronger and more of an asset to this company than he is. He’s just upset that they look like The Evil Incarnate and Kevin Bishop; men who are uncorruptable in their morals, values and ever present fortitude. When Thomas Bates and Teddy Blaze step between those ropes in a few short days, they will know that they have made the most egregious of all errors.”
Just then a tall man in a trench coat, newscap and sunglasses walks into the restaurant. Normally this would be no cause for alarm but he bears a striking resemblance to Thomas Bates, who sits down at a booth by himself. ZMAC starts mumbling to himself as the man flips through the menu. The waitress walks over as ZMAC mutters the man’s order ‘The Odin Balfore.’
“ Jeff, we got another dead man walking.”
“ Do you know who I am?” interrupted the tall man whose mind is being controlled by ZMACs muttering. “ I am the impassable mountain and the silly boy, Gregory Clagain. I enjoy cross dressing and using the bathroom that is not in line with my assigned birth gender because I’m a rebel and a bad ass. Some would go as far as to say that I am the Ultimate Badass. I am a strong supporter of the second amendment but believe everyone must have three forms of ID to fill in a bubble at a voting booth but also think that gun laws are too strict. I hand out pistols to toddlers at playgrounds and candy to little boys in hopes that they whistle dixie up my asshole. I have strong opinions and like to debate but I can never be wrong or challenged. I am the man who takes pride in a traitorous past of my family who sought to oppress an entire race but yet am against immigrants and any laws that stand to lessen four hundred years of my own perceived white privilege. I bow to no authority except when it is advantageous for me to do so. I cower behind technicalities and straw man arguments to make up for the fact that I cannot see or do things in a way that is not my own. I tell you on this day that my name is Gregory Clagain, the unpassable mountain and today I will conquer the biggest thing on this menu and henceforth shall it be renamed.. F.G.T. T.U.B!”
The entire table of Silver, Bishop and the Dark-Mericans burst out in laughter. ZMACs laughter causes Gregory to laugh uproariously but ZMAC regains his composure and continues influencing Gregory.
“ What? FGT.. FOOD TASTE GREAT!” Gregory yells. “ FGT.. FOOD TASTE GREAT. FOR THOMAS URIEL BATES!” ZMAC intentionally botched the placement of F.G.T acronym. “ I am self-conscious and need reassurance that I am the biggest man in WCF yet Odin Balfore will always be bigger than me. I can lift over a thousand pounds and yet know that Odin Balfore can bench press planets and holds the world record for deadlifting when he dead lifted my mother off of her cat, Mr. Thomas Uriel Bootsy. These are facts that even I cannot ignore with my southern ignorance and backwards thinking that is why I will conquer this breakfast and prove that I am the GREETEST.”
“ Greetest?” Mouths Silver.
“ AND NOW I WILL ABURBTLY STOP TALKING FOR NO APPARENT RASIN!.” Shouts Gregory.
“ Rasin?” Silver mouths again.
“ Gentlemen, that is the power of the Evil Incarnate. That is who Thomas Bates and Teddy Blaze are dealing with. MY client can and WILL make them look foolish at any given moment. So as much as I appreciate the hard nosed will of Kevin Bishop, he is a nice compliment to the powers that my client already posses and can train up YOUR client to be somewhere near as great as MY client-“ Buddy Roman is interrupted by Gergory Clagain who begins shouting and chanting.
“ MY NAME IS THOMAS URINAL BATES. BECAUSE I AM THE PISS MASTER AND THE DICK MASTER! SIXTY FIVE PERCENT POWERHOUSE, TEN PERCENT TECHNICAL, EVEN THOUGH I CANNOT SEE MY FEET! I AM A GOOD GUY. I AM A FACE. I HAVE HONOR AND GOOD WILL YET I DISCRIMINATE. I AM THE COMPLEX AND THE DEEP, I WILL NOW RECITE POETRY.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
IF OWNIN NERGOS IS WRONG I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
MY SISTER IS ALSO MY WIFE.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
MY UNCLE USED TO TOUCH ME AT NIGHT.
thank you. I will now once again abruptly stop talking.” Gregory closes his mouth, folds his hands and looks straight ahead without blinking. He doesn’t blink for so long that a fly lands on his eye and the Gregory does nothing.
“ Look at him.” Comments Roman. “ That fly is just doing the Cincinnati two step on his eye. That man is getting skull fucked by a fly and is doing nothing about it.”
“ ZMAC, you a Savage , son. You a straight up deep dickin’ murder.” Compliments Mikey Extreme as the food arrives just in time. Bishop and Extreme glare at each other like some old west Dennys type of stand off.
“ So you guys gonna eat cha food or just suck each others dicks?” Says ZMAC before controlling Gregory’s mind again.
“ I WILL SUCK THE DICK. MY SKILL SET IS SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT DICK SUCKING ABILITY. HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT A RANDOM TITLE SHOT LAST YEAR FOR DOING NOTHING. I SUCKED DICK. CAPS LOCK, EXCLAMATION POINT, LOLZ. “
Gregorys food comes as well.
“ YES!” he shouts. “ I WILL NOW SUCK ODIN BALFORES DICK BY FOOD PROXY.”
Gregory digs in like a wild beast. “ ODIN BALFORES DICK IS DELICIOUS! YUM, YUM, YUM! HIS HOT BUTERRY GOODNESS FEELS GOOD SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT.” Gregory starts to literally choke on the figurative breakfast allegory penis.
“ Do you see, now. That is how you shoot on your opponent. That is how you get in there and wreck those who feel themselves to be superior to the mic skills of the very best in WCF hiZtory. Sunday night Thomas Bates will not only bow to Zombie McMorris and Kevin Bishop but he will break. We have clearly broken his will but Sunday night, it will be his back and Teddy Blaze will be of no consequence in helping in that fight. Teddy Blaze is a non-issue because Teddy Blaze is not a real champion. Zombie McMorris is the true champion of the people. And Dat Hawt American Darkness are the true tag team champions.”
While Gregory was ranting about sucking dick and choking on food, both Kevin Bishop and Mikey Extreme had attempted in vein to tackle their plates. Both men are on the ropes, equally matched, leaning back, busting at gut. They both seem ready to throw in the towel when ol’ X turns to his partner.
“ Ol’ Z. The food just has to be inside me, right? Cut me.”
ZMAC takes out a switch blade from his jacket and slices Mikey across the stomach who yells “ AHH, HORROR KORE BITCH!” He starts smearing food into his open wound while shooting on Nathan Chambers. “ This is the real shit up in here. Horror Kore! I’m coming for you chambers! I’m taking my title!”
Over in the corner of the restaurant, Gregory has taken off his clothes with food smeared all over his bare chest and yells “ I’M KUMMING” whilst trying to shove a waffle up his asshole. Silver lifts his hand into the air and calls over the waitress.
“ Check please.”
And the scene fades to Dat Hawt American Darkness..
WCF – Slam!
The DRG
vs.
The Plague Badgers ( LOL YAH, WE DOIN DAT )
______________________
Chapter I: The Allegory Breakfast
Epsteins Deli. Hyde Park, CT.
Blast! What was it? Honey Badger vs 3 scrubs + 1 FGT whose a closet German ( Pronounced Queerman for the uninitiated) And lets face it; its been 4 years, you know what Honey Badger do by now and we all knew that Honey Badger would retain his title. Dats how you conquer and redefine an entire division. But this week? Shee-itt.. Has Honey Badger squared off against a FGT named the fudge Mountain and Teo?
Wait.. Teddy Blaze, again? Like 4 for 4 weeks now.
Him? Fuck, Guess imam have to go extra try hard on him. We goin off. Except.. which ZMAC you gone get? The Evil Incarnate or Honey Badger?
Interesting questions. Guess we’ll find out.
Tucked away in the slow growing economy of Barry Oaks e-CON-o –Me and this generations self inflicted wounds of selfies, farmvilles and fancy electric rolodex’s, a business emerged out of the rubble. Epsteins Deli was just outside of Buddy Romans beloved Hyde Park. Buddy Has been a regular for quiet some time and a silent partner. It was humid and balmy as thunder clouds began to roll in. It was not ominous in the fact that there is a match with the DRG, but the fact that this was wrestling related and Buddy Roman is a Mad Dog Killer disguised as a Jewish sausage stuffed in a three piece suit. It was perfect; everyone forgot who and what Buddy Roman is and that will be rectified. Roman in toe with that Dank Darkness of America stood outside the deli and waited for one Kevin Bishop [ newly crowned US champ] and Silver Goldstein [ Jew in training ]. This was decided upon by the two parties so that the talent agency of Silver Goldstein could get aquatinted [ see: corrupted ] by The Shape, Vincent Buddy Roman. They waited outside patiently for Silver and Bishop but if there is one thing Buddy doesn’t like, its ill –punctual Jews. Ol’ X and Z were smoking blunts while Roman curled the edges of a gift box. Buddy Roman lifted up his sleeve and checked the watch that clearly wasn’t there and cursed the day the Jews walked the earth.
“ If this Silver guy is trying to impress me, he’s failing.” Buddy Roman tapped his foot against the ground in annoyance as ol’ X spoke up.
“ Yo man, chill out. He’s got like twenty minutes.” Replied ol’ X, hittin up the spiff.
“ And Twenty minutes early is ten minutes late in the Jew world. I mean do you even know what year it is for us Jews; 5776.”
“ Is that BC or AD?”
“ Neither. Time didn’t magically split just because the shiftiest Jew to walk the earth decided to rob a bank .”
“ Dude, that’s wicked offensive. I’m not even Christian and that’s disgusting.”
“ O, I’m sorry, ol’ X, did I offend you? Arnt you US champion? Arnt you supposed to defend my freedoms?”
Buddy Roman turns and looks at Ol’ X’s waist and gasps with sarcasm.
“ Wait, you mean you’re not? I – I had no idea. I wonder who – that’s right. Kevin Bishop, the piece of shit whose – “
Enter Silver and Bishop from around the corner of the building.
“ EARLY!” Exclaims Buddy Roman with a shark tooth grin as he embraces both Silver and Bishop with a hearty maple flavored breakfast sausage handshake before giving Bishop his gift.
“ Whats this?” Asks Bishop, looking at Roman then at Silver then back at the box.
“ It’s a,a, gift. A congratulations. On becoming..” Buddy Roman turns back and glares at ol’ X before finishing his sentence; “ UNITED STATES CHAMPION!”
Mikey Extreme flicks his spiff away and walks into the deli.
“ What is it?” Bishops asks again.
“ You’ll have to open it up and see. “ Smiles Roman.
“ It’s a clock radio!” Yells Mikey Extreme from inside; trying to spoil Roman Surprise – but not really.
Silver gronk-spikes a gift he had behind his back “ Damn it!” he shouts but then quickly steps in front of the shattered gift and tries to cover up for it. “ I mean, DAMN IT! That’s a great gift!”
Bishop opens up the box to see a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat.
“ Um thanks man, but why?”
“ Come gentlemen, lets go inside and get something to eat.” Buddy Roman puts his arms around Bishop and Silver and walks them inside. Buddy Roman leads Silver and Bishop to a booth off to the left of the establishment that’s up against the window facing the street. The men settle in and get their placements. “ So gentlemen, we are here because your client and MY client are tag team partners this week against Bates and Teddy Blaze- er.. Zombie, who the hell is this?”
“ Teddy Blaze, Teo.. same guy. I should know, I only fought him every week for the past near two months.”
Buddy Roman looks confused.
“ Why? You know what, nevermind. Its Bates and that’s just a mistake on Blazes part. I’m here to make that you boys know what we’re getting into this week.”
“ I know exactly what I’m getting into this week. Seth teamed me up with ZMAC as a random partner to try and keep me down.”
The Dark-Mericans look at each and laugh
“ HAHAHA. Nah son, Seths a fucking goon. If he wanted to keep you down he wouldn’t put you with me to stick our dicks up the Fudge mountains asshole. Seth wanted to put the US champ with the Internet champ to cause all sorts of havoc. “ Says ZMAC.
Mikey Extreme looks at ZMAC and in a monotone voice says, “ Yah ZMAC. He did.” Mikey Extreme hints at them Dark-Merican joints but is blinding by the gleaming gold of the WCF US title around Bishops waist; holding his eyes in pain. “ Ah, damn it!”
“ More importantly –“ Interrupts Buddy Roman. “ Its about making sure that You, Sliver, are the best Jew that you can be. Also that Bishop is seen as a fighting champion beyond that mire of cult leaders.”
“ I can assure you, Vincent that MY client is above all of that.”
“ Above all that, indeed. But we are to get to the bottom of this week
and rip the lungs and the guts of out Thomas Bates. Because let me tell
you something about Bates, that piece of shit- that backwards asscan of
a trashcan- the man would be nothing without the DRG. He would be
nothing without little cronies to follow him because absolutely no one
takes him seriously. This week will be no different because the world
wants to belittle out new US champion and treat him like he doesn’t
matter. This is his first week as champion and this week must be a
strong week. It must be a proud week. It must be a week that we put the
WCF notice that WE are here and WE are not going anywhere. We shall not
bow or break to the Bates clan and all the stupid bullshit that they
thinks make them cool.
OHHH LOOK AT ME, IM A THOMAS BATES AND IM IN A GANG… IM A TOUGH GUYS WHO DOES TOUGH THINGS. I DRINK MOLTEN NAILS AND JERK OFF WITH BATTERY ACID.
PSHH, its moronic. Who is a Thomas Bates compared to us? Who is a Thomas Bates to the Internet champion and the US Champion- he’s a nobody. It is HIM that needs to scurry around looking for a crumb and try to become socially relevant again. Its quite sad, really. Its quite sad and he should be ashamed of himself. He should feel bad for himself. He wants to come back to WCF and try and become this big unstoppable force. Well, how can he when we are looking at that force. The Dark-Mericans and the Plague are the newest, hottest force in the WCF and it is one that cannot be stopped anytime soon. So I wanted to thank all of you for being here today so we can mark the beginning of this most glorious union.”
The waitress comes over for a food order and Buddy Roman starts off.
“ I’ll have a Tuna on Rye.” He says proudly.
“ I’ll have the same.” Says Silver, trying to learn from the realist Jew in dah room.
ZMAC passes as the waitress makes her way to Bishop and Extreme.
“ I’ll have an order of freedom toast and liberty hashbrowns.” Says Extreme, trying to drop the pride bomb on Bishop who no sells it.
“ I’ll have the same.” He replies. Extreme glares at him and changes his order.
“ Whats the biggest, most American thing on the menu?”
“ The Odin Balfore.” She replies.
“ I’ll take it!” Demands Extreme.
“ Sir, noones ever finished it except for Odin Balfore. Its twelve large waffles, four whole loafs of French toast, nine dozen eggs, five pounds of bacon and four three whole fried chicken..” The Waitress tries to talk down Extreme but he’s not having it.
“ Then I’ll take it!”
“ I’ll take two.” Says Bishops with a wink.
“ SON OF A BITCH!” yells Extreme, pounding his fist on the table.
“ Children, please. We’re not here for this. This Week Bates will learn that he made the biggest mistake of his life. We are here to take over WCF and that is not one of those false threats that a lot of people make around here. Unlike Thomas Bates, Zombie McMorris has taken over the company from the lowest rank to the highest ranks with The Vapor Kingz and now Dat Hawt American Darkness. The DRG has always been an inferior heel stable with unstable and members that cannot be counted on. Gonzo, Danny Anderson, Thomas Bates himself. That is why Mikey Extreme saw the light and decided that whats best for him is leave the mountain that tied to better men. But truthfully he thinks himself a legend, but hes not. He will always be the shadow of bigger men, literally. Odin Balfore bench presses planets. Bates thinks himself a legend without a title and there are just over forty unque world champions, Thomas Bates is not one of them. He may never be one of them and IF he ever was, there are only nineteen men in the Hall of Fame. What has he done to even get into the Hall of Fame? The answer is nothing. Not all of the forty guys that have held the WCF title are hall of fame guys. Bates just needs to face it, he’s a slower, fatter, uglier Jay Omega.. A shitty waste of space that is holding a spot that someone else can occupy… someone like Mikey Extreme or Bishop. This week is when Bates faces the grim reality that he is a never was in WCF. There is always someone bigger, better, faster, stronger and more of an asset to this company than he is. He’s just upset that they look like The Evil Incarnate and Kevin Bishop; men who are uncorruptable in their morals, values and ever present fortitude. When Thomas Bates and Teddy Blaze step between those ropes in a few short days, they will know that they have made the most egregious of all errors.”
Just then a tall man in a trench coat, newscap and sunglasses walks into the restaurant. Normally this would be no cause for alarm but he bears a striking resemblance to Thomas Bates, who sits down at a booth by himself. ZMAC starts mumbling to himself as the man flips through the menu. The waitress walks over as ZMAC mutters the man’s order ‘The Odin Balfore.’
“ Jeff, we got another dead man walking.”
“ Do you know who I am?” interrupted the tall man whose mind is being controlled by ZMACs muttering. “ I am the impassable mountain and the silly boy, Gregory Clagain. I enjoy cross dressing and using the bathroom that is not in line with my assigned birth gender because I’m a rebel and a bad ass. Some would go as far as to say that I am the Ultimate Badass. I am a strong supporter of the second amendment but believe everyone must have three forms of ID to fill in a bubble at a voting booth but also think that gun laws are too strict. I hand out pistols to toddlers at playgrounds and candy to little boys in hopes that they whistle dixie up my asshole. I have strong opinions and like to debate but I can never be wrong or challenged. I am the man who takes pride in a traitorous past of my family who sought to oppress an entire race but yet am against immigrants and any laws that stand to lessen four hundred years of my own perceived white privilege. I bow to no authority except when it is advantageous for me to do so. I cower behind technicalities and straw man arguments to make up for the fact that I cannot see or do things in a way that is not my own. I tell you on this day that my name is Gregory Clagain, the unpassable mountain and today I will conquer the biggest thing on this menu and henceforth shall it be renamed.. F.G.T. T.U.B!”
The entire table of Silver, Bishop and the Dark-Mericans burst out in laughter. ZMACs laughter causes Gregory to laugh uproariously but ZMAC regains his composure and continues influencing Gregory.
“ What? FGT.. FOOD TASTE GREAT!” Gregory yells. “ FGT.. FOOD TASTE GREAT. FOR THOMAS URIEL BATES!” ZMAC intentionally botched the placement of F.G.T acronym. “ I am self-conscious and need reassurance that I am the biggest man in WCF yet Odin Balfore will always be bigger than me. I can lift over a thousand pounds and yet know that Odin Balfore can bench press planets and holds the world record for deadlifting when he dead lifted my mother off of her cat, Mr. Thomas Uriel Bootsy. These are facts that even I cannot ignore with my southern ignorance and backwards thinking that is why I will conquer this breakfast and prove that I am the GREETEST.”
“ Greetest?” Mouths Silver.
“ AND NOW I WILL ABURBTLY STOP TALKING FOR NO APPARENT RASIN!.” Shouts Gregory.
“ Rasin?” Silver mouths again.
“ Gentlemen, that is the power of the Evil Incarnate. That is who Thomas Bates and Teddy Blaze are dealing with. MY client can and WILL make them look foolish at any given moment. So as much as I appreciate the hard nosed will of Kevin Bishop, he is a nice compliment to the powers that my client already posses and can train up YOUR client to be somewhere near as great as MY client-“ Buddy Roman is interrupted by Gergory Clagain who begins shouting and chanting.
“ MY NAME IS THOMAS URINAL BATES. BECAUSE I AM THE PISS MASTER AND THE DICK MASTER! SIXTY FIVE PERCENT POWERHOUSE, TEN PERCENT TECHNICAL, EVEN THOUGH I CANNOT SEE MY FEET! I AM A GOOD GUY. I AM A FACE. I HAVE HONOR AND GOOD WILL YET I DISCRIMINATE. I AM THE COMPLEX AND THE DEEP, I WILL NOW RECITE POETRY.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
IF OWNIN NERGOS IS WRONG I DON’T WANT TO BE RIGHT.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
MY SISTER IS ALSO MY WIFE.
DIXIE BLUE AND DIXIE RIGHT.
MY UNCLE USED TO TOUCH ME AT NIGHT.
thank you. I will now once again abruptly stop talking.” Gregory closes his mouth, folds his hands and looks straight ahead without blinking. He doesn’t blink for so long that a fly lands on his eye and the Gregory does nothing.
“ Look at him.” Comments Roman. “ That fly is just doing the Cincinnati two step on his eye. That man is getting skull fucked by a fly and is doing nothing about it.”
“ ZMAC, you a Savage , son. You a straight up deep dickin’ murder.” Compliments Mikey Extreme as the food arrives just in time. Bishop and Extreme glare at each other like some old west Dennys type of stand off.
“ So you guys gonna eat cha food or just suck each others dicks?” Says ZMAC before controlling Gregory’s mind again.
“ I WILL SUCK THE DICK. MY SKILL SET IS SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT DICK SUCKING ABILITY. HOW DO YOU THINK I GOT A RANDOM TITLE SHOT LAST YEAR FOR DOING NOTHING. I SUCKED DICK. CAPS LOCK, EXCLAMATION POINT, LOLZ. “
Gregorys food comes as well.
“ YES!” he shouts. “ I WILL NOW SUCK ODIN BALFORES DICK BY FOOD PROXY.”
Gregory digs in like a wild beast. “ ODIN BALFORES DICK IS DELICIOUS! YUM, YUM, YUM! HIS HOT BUTERRY GOODNESS FEELS GOOD SLIDING DOWN MY THROAT.” Gregory starts to literally choke on the figurative breakfast allegory penis.
“ Do you see, now. That is how you shoot on your opponent. That is how you get in there and wreck those who feel themselves to be superior to the mic skills of the very best in WCF hiZtory. Sunday night Thomas Bates will not only bow to Zombie McMorris and Kevin Bishop but he will break. We have clearly broken his will but Sunday night, it will be his back and Teddy Blaze will be of no consequence in helping in that fight. Teddy Blaze is a non-issue because Teddy Blaze is not a real champion. Zombie McMorris is the true champion of the people. And Dat Hawt American Darkness are the true tag team champions.”
While Gregory was ranting about sucking dick and choking on food, both Kevin Bishop and Mikey Extreme had attempted in vein to tackle their plates. Both men are on the ropes, equally matched, leaning back, busting at gut. They both seem ready to throw in the towel when ol’ X turns to his partner.
“ Ol’ Z. The food just has to be inside me, right? Cut me.”
ZMAC takes out a switch blade from his jacket and slices Mikey across the stomach who yells “ AHH, HORROR KORE BITCH!” He starts smearing food into his open wound while shooting on Nathan Chambers. “ This is the real shit up in here. Horror Kore! I’m coming for you chambers! I’m taking my title!”
Over in the corner of the restaurant, Gregory has taken off his clothes with food smeared all over his bare chest and yells “ I’M KUMMING” whilst trying to shove a waffle up his asshole. Silver lifts his hand into the air and calls over the waitress.
“ Check please.”
And the scene fades to Dat Hawt American Darkness..