An American Odyssey

[Mikey eXtreme]

I. Visions of Hardcore

Apocalypse, the complete and final destruction of the world. Mikey eXtreme was the only one to bring complete destruction to Slam last week as he utterly destroyed Apocalypse. Why? Well, there was a hardcore title shot to be won, and Mikey did the only thing he could think of.

Destroy.

And, destroy he did.

Apocalypse stood no match for Mikey eXtreme, something that Mikey knew going into the match, and something that he had previously warned Apocalypse about. Mikey was proud of the victory, it might have been a quick win, but it demonstrated everything that Mikey needed to demonstrate.

He demonstrated his power. He demonstrated his skill. Most importantly, he demonstrated his ability to get things done. He demonstrated that at any given day that he could do whatever he wanted.

On that day, he wanted Apocalypse to go away quickly.

The same way he’ll attack everyone that steps up to him when he is hardcore champion. The same way he will handle anyone that challenges him for the championship he is about to rip away from Nathan Chambers.

The Hardcore division? Well, there really was no division. It was entirely Mikey eXtreme. The current champion was not hardcore. Mikey eXtreme was born to be the hardcore champion. He fully embodied everything that was hardcore.

The King of eXtreme.

This wasn’t just a title, this was a birthright. This was something that was meant to be. This was density.. I mean destiny.

II. Motel 6: An American Odyssey

It was late, there was a dim light shining through the blinds from the Motel 6 sign. Mikey had to strain his eyes to make out the laptop screen. He was sitting there, on Google, sipping from his can of America, a flag covered can of Budweiser.

It took less than a second for Google to spit thousands upon thousands of answers at him. His search query: the WCF tag team championships. Where were they? What had happened to those beloved and history filled titles? Dat Hawt American Darkness wanted to know, they needed to restore order to the WCF.. and more importantly, they wanted those titles for themselves.

.66 of a second. One 6 less than the mark of the beast, but there wasn’t much there.

“ WCF Goes on 2-week Hiatus”

“ Seth Lerch on the ropes?”

“ Logan Brand Hotdogs”

“ Seth Lerch down sizes roster and rebrands company”

“ WCF Tag Team Titles: Missing?”

Mikey’s eyes poured over each one.

WCF Goes on 2-week Hiatus

Well, that wasn’t of any concern to Mikey. A sort of mini vacation. Those two weeks were spent on his yacht sipping back margaritas. Nah, Mikey didn’t own a yacht and he wouldn’t be caught sober drinking a margarita.

Seth Lerch on the ropes?

Mikey thought about Seth Lerch tip toeing a tight rope above a circus. Man, I hope he’s better than those Graysons Mikey laughed, he was now thinking about Gemini Battle flying through the air.. And crashing to the ground. Just like he did when he tried to step to Mikey.

Logan Brand Hotdogs

Logan sure did love Hotdogs. Now, he could spread his hotdog around for everyone to have. Even if they hadn’t of thought about it before, now it could be theirs. You had to envy someone like that, going out there, putting it all on the line to give you their hotdog.

A guy like that, he had to have real power. Hell, he was even world champion like 300 times now or something. Plus he had the (big) bossman in his pocket.

Seth Lerch Downsizes Roster and Rebrands Company

Seth went off his rocker, alright, damn near fired everyone. But, that’s right, Mikey eXtreme was still here. The three time United States champion, and by far one of the greatest competitors of all time. Mikey was on his way to capturing the Hardcore title too, but that fool Andre Holmes had run away. Leaving Mikey’s chance for that belt gone. But, his chance has come back and he isn’t going to waste it. Also, sticking around, Ol’ Z was still here. The man bleeds WCF, but stay away from that blood, who knows what you might catch from it.

WCF Tag Team Titles: Missing?

Missing? Yeah. They’re gone right now. It’s a shame. Mikey clicked it. There had to be more to this story. There just had to be.

Over the past two months, Wrestling Championship Federation has gone through some terrible times….. …. … Seth Lerch has decided… …. … .. There is only one problem, no one knows where the belts have gone… .. ….. … The Tag belts along with a few other mainstays have been put in storage… ….. now currently missing… … ….

Mikey thought to himself.

Currently missing.. From.. storage?!

How could this be? Storage? Was this in a public storage unit? Did Seth Lerch forget to pay the bill or something? What if that asshole Dave Hester yuppped it?

Suddenly, in Mikey’s mind it got hazy and all of a sudden the Storage Wars crew was there. Dan and Laura were about to start taking bids when all of a sudden a pumpkin mobile pulled up to the storage center. Out of the pumpkin stepped Barry Weiss and a giant of a man.

Barry: This giant right here is my good luck charm for the day. He’s like the jolly green giant.. And he’s Irish so we have that on our side too.

Already at the storage units are Dave Hester wearing his YUUP! Hat, Darrell and Brandon Sheets, Jarrod Schultz, and Brandi Passante who is wearing nothing but her underwear. Hey, this is Mikey’s mind.

Darrell: I think what I’m going to do today is bid up that idiot Jarrod and get him out of here early.

Brandon: We gotta play it smart though, we haven’t won a locker in a while and we don’t need to bust out early.

Darrell: I know what I’m doing.

The camera switched back to Barry, he was laughing, having fun as always.

Barry: Hey, It’s gonna be a good day. I can already feel it. I might even win something. We’ll see.
The camera switched over to Jarrod and Brandi.

Jarrod: Alright, let’s bid up all these morons and take all the good units.

Brandi: Don’t fuck up again. You’re always fucking up, Jarrod.

Jarrod: No, I’m not!

Brandi rolls her eyes.

The cameras cut to the front of the locker as the door flew open.

Dan: You guys know the drill! Look inside, don’t step inside. Don’t touch anything. In a few moments I’m going to start rambling off numbers and you guys will tell me if you’re bidding or not and that asshole over there will say Yuup! A lot.

The locker looked like it contained a lot of nothing. A bunch of brown boxes in the front, in the back you could almost make out some ring ropes but it was unclear of what it was.

Darrell: This is the locker for us, Brandon! I just know it.

Darrell and Brandon were looking in the locker with their flashlights. Brandon didn’t seem intrigued but Darrell was insane.

Dave Hester just walked around and peeked in as assholish as possible.

Jarrod: We gotta bid that idiot Darrell to the moon.

Brandi: Don’t fuck up, Jarrod. We don’t want this locker it’s a piece of shit.

Jarrod: Jeez, Brandi! I know that, come on! What do you take me for? A rookie?

Brandi: Well sometimes.. You know what… just don’t fuck it up.

Barry was taking an extra long look inside.

Barry: This is why I brought the big man! What do you see back there?

Big Man: I see things.

Barry: What kind of things?

Big Man: I don’t know.. They look cool.

Barry: Maybe I should have brought a better good luck charm?

Suddenly they were taking bids. Dan and Laura were firing numbers and taking bids left and right.

Dave Hester: Yuup!

They were rattling off numbers with such speed, it was nearly impossible to understand them. Darrell began to bid and Jarrod outbid him. They went back and forth for a bit until Dave Hester rung in.

Dave Hester: Yuup!

Dave didn’t want the unit and he didn’t even care if he won. He just liked to be a dick and piss everyone off.

Barry shook his head. This bidding war was too rich for his blood. Hell, he never won anything really anyway.

Darrell and Jarrod entered another bidding war, and finally Jarrod outbid Darrell.

Darrell: Ha! I knew I would get that jackass Jarrod to bid himself into something stupid1

Brandon: But you wanted this locker!

Brandi was pissed off. She was mean mugging Jarrod hardcore which made him even more mad.

Finally an unknown person submitted a bid. Nobody wanted to match it and he won the auction.

Brandi: Thank god that moron took this pile of shit off our hands, Jarrod.

The crew stepped aside, making their way to the next locker. The anonymous man stayed behind, but watched Brandi’s ass jiggle as she walked away.

The man combed through the locker. He pulled out the boxes, saving them for last. In the back of the unit was indeed ring ropes. There were many WCF related items in the unit. The man didn’t seem to care about them though.

He finally made his way to the boxes. The first box was full of Seth Lerch autographs. It seemed that nobody on earth wanted one so they were stored here. The second box contained the WCF tag team championships.

Man: Hm, I could probably pawn these for a pretty penny!

Mikey shook his head, awakening from his daydream as he reached for another ice cold can of American Freedom.

Mikey eXtreme: Shit!

He was out of beer.

Mikey eXtreme: I think there is a liquor store around here.

Mikey stood up and grabbed a shirt. It wasn’t the cleanest shirt, but he was already wearing blood stained pants. It didn’t really matter much.

III. Perfect Scouts

Mikey eXtreme grew up making fun of kids that joined the cub and boy scouts. What kind of loser wants to go camping? Who wants to work for meaningless badges? Mikey grew up on the hard streets of Brooklyn, NY. Flatbush was a bad neighborhood, and Mikey managed just fine.

Why go to the woods and learn how to survive? You had to do that right here, the streets were Mikey’s woods.

Be Prepared.

Mikey was always prepared. Not because he wanted to be, but because it was required.

Mikey eXtreme: Stuart Slane. The man has been around for a long time. But, what do I care?

You ended one of the greatest United States title runs in WCF history. You beat Steve Orbit, you ended his 161 day reign as Champion of my GREAT United States of Mikey’s America. The SAME Steve Orbit who LOST my United States title to some fucking nobody named Ethan King. Or some shit like that.

But..

How did you follow that title run up, Stu? Thats right, with one of the shittiest title reigns I have ever seen. You fucking lost that belt straight to Jay Price.

What did I do when I held the United States title? That’s right, I brought prestige to that championship. I carried that belt to the top of the company. I made it important. I was the most talked about champion that the WCF had outside of Z-Mac, and let’s face it. That’s an accomplishment in itself. Bitches can’t keep Z-Mac out of their mouths.

Mikey looked into the camera with a raised eyebrow.

Mikey eXtreme: While I was revolutionizing the United States title and bringing myself to the top.. What were you doing, Stu?

Oh, that’s right, you were figuring out how you could take the Television title and make it look like a complete pile of garbage. The same title held by the likes of Joey Flash, Thomas Bates, Z-Mac, Jonny Fly.. You made it look like it was nothing. Beating nobodies and even getting injured in the process!

Do you think I would ever let something like an injury interrupt my defense of a championship belt? What happened to being prepared, Stu? You couldn’t get your badge for manning up, huh?

Mikey laughed.

Mikey eXtreme: A bitch like you ain’t ever gonna be able to best Mikey eXtreme. So, how do you expect to beat Dat Hawt American Darkness? Huh? You think you got what it takes to take on Ol’ Z and the X?

Don’t make me laugh!

Your Internet title reign is funny enough. Oh, wait.. You got hurt and had to vacate that belt as well? Hell, I’ll be shocked if you even step foot in this ring at Slam, son. Probably gonna get hurt lacing up your hiking boots before the match.

Mikey looks into the camera.

Mikey eXtreme: Bro, this is a wrestling match. Put on some wrestling boots. We ain’t having this match in the mountains. We’re on that canvas. You think you’re cool or something? You ain’t even got timbs on.

That’s the problem here, Stu.

You’re a joke. You ain’t serious competition for someone like me! You ain’t in my league. Hell, you’re teaming up with the same asshole who attacked you just last week!

But, you do have things in common.

You’re both terrible stains to the titles that you have held. Chambers is by far the worst hardcore champion in the history of hardcore champions. How he was able to have this belt handed to him is a joke.

Who did he beat? Some locker room circle jerks that I’ve never heard of. Wow, good job.

You’ll both fall victim to the most dominant tag team in WCF history.

Dat Hawt. American. Darkness.

Then Chambers will fall victim to me again when I rip that Hardcore title away from him.

His perfection will fall victim to the Darkness. There is nothing he can do about it. The Darkness is too powerful for him. It’s nothing that he can beat and we’re only getting stronger and stronger. Zombie McMorris is proof of that.

You guys may have been on a team that was able to beat his team last week. But it was practically one-on-three. Come on! The guy had to be forced to try to carry Freezer Burn and Teddy Blaze? Are you kidding me? This week.. that won’t happen. This week will be totally different. You guys go up against a well oiled machine. You guys go up against greatness.

Do you think the two of you, who can’t get along at all, can defeat us? Hell, which one of you two is going to attack the other one before.. during.. or after the match? You know that has to be in the back of your minds.

Hell, the both of you should consider yourselves lucky that Ol’ Z and I had to be matched up in round 1 of that damn tournament you find yourselves in. Double your luck that I had something in my eye when I fought The Game or I would have won that match and Ol’ X&Z would be in the finals of the world championship tournament right now.

You two would be lost jerkin the curtain at the start of the show with #NewLogan and Kevin Bishop and Tony Chimmel or whoever the fuck is on this roster these days.

So think about that. You guys can be the perfect scouts, but you won’t be Dat Hawt American Darkness.

And there is no chance in hell that you can beat us. Not one single chance.

Mikey smirks as the scene fades.

IV. Dark Conundrum

Doc: You think you know him?!

Mikey eXtreme: Uh, I know enough of him.

Doc: What the hell does that even mean? You either know him or you don’t

Mikey was having a fight with Doc, the man that lived in his thoughts. The man that raised him after his parents died. The man that killed himself and his wife when Mikey was a teenager.

Mikey eXtreme: I’m good, Doc.

Doc didn’t know if Mikey could trust Z-Mac. Doc didn’t know if Mikey could trust anyone, but that didn’t stop him from pestering Mikey about it.

Doc: I don’t want to see you get hurt, son.

Mikey rolled his eyes.

Doc: I seen that.

Mikey eXtreme: Listen, I’ll be fine. We’re a great team.

Doc snarled.

Mikey eXtreme: You’re just jealous!

Doc: I am not!

It was obvious to Mikey. Doc was scared that Z-Mac would pry his grip off of Mikey. Mikey was all that Doc had, his only way to communicate and he would not let anything get in the way of that.

Mikey eXtreme: Dat Hawt American Darkness is all that matters right now, Doc!

Doc snarls again and Mikey slaps him across the face leaving a slight welt on his own face.

The scene fades.

V. Hank Brown, Go Home..

The scene opened with Hank Brown sitting across from Mikey eXtreme. It was a classic interview scene that could have even been part of 20/20.

Hank Brown: We are joined right now by none other than Mikey eXtreme.

Mikey eXtreme: Thanks for having me Barbara.

Hank Brown: Hank..

Mikey eXtreme: You’re not Barbara Walters?

Hank Brown: ...no.

Hank sighed.

Hank Brown: This week, That Hot American Darkness.

Mikey eXtreme: Dat.

Hank Brown: That?

Mikey eXtreme: It’s DAT HAWT American Darkness.

Hank Brown: That’s what I said..?

Mikey eXtreme: Uh, not it’s not..

Hank Brown: Well, anyway, this week your team gets to take on Stuart Slane and the man that you will be facing soon for the Hardcore championship, Nathan Chambers.

Do you think that this match helps either one of you two before you face off?

Mikey eXtreme: This match is the beginning of the end for Nathan Chambers. This match will be the destruction of perfection. Mark my words, Hank.

Hank Brown: Do you think that you have the advantage going into this match?

Mikey eXtreme: Yes. We’re an actual tag team. We have chemistry. We know what we’re doing out there.

Hank Brown: How do you see American Darkness doing in the current Tag Division in the WCF?

Mikey eXtreme: Dat. Hawt. American Darkness. We are the tag division. There is nothing better than us. There is nobody that can beat us.

Do you think the Demi Gods of The Empire stand a chance?

Do you think that any team that forms or comes together can beat us? Because they cannot. We are not just the greatest tag team currently in the WCF, we are the greatest tag team to ever come together.

We bring that hardcore feeling to each and every match, plus, I mean look at us. We’re up here when everyone else is down there. We’re the cream of the crop when everyone else is slop. We’re the meanest Toughest Don Dada to gun butt ya
They’re the type that bust a lot of shots and none touch ya
We’re the type that get excited, when the gun touch ya
Motherfuckers..
Y'all niggas bout to witness a dynasty like no other

Dat Hawt American Darkness.

Hank Brown: This is the first time you two have teamed up in a while, do you think there is any kind of rust between you two?

Mikey eXtreme: Rust?! Ha!

Don’t worry about us, Hank. Just like Pony Boy, we’re golden right now and we’re gonna stay that way until those tag titles find their way around our waists. The Greatest tag champions of all time are going to be crowned eventually, so you might as well jump on the bandwagon now.

Dat Hawt American Darkness will be the Hardcore, Internet, Tag Team champions.. And with no United States championship, you might as well just refer to me as the champion of America because Just like the United States of Mikey’s America.

I represent greatness.

Mikey abruptly stands up and walks out.

Hank Brown: Well, I guess that was all the time Mikey had for us this week. Tune in to WCF Slam this Sunday to witness That Hot American Darkness take out Nathan Chambers and Stuart Slane.

In the distance you can hear Mikey yelling.

Mikey eXtreme: DAT! HAWT! AMERICAN DARKNESS!

Hank rolls his eyes as the scene fades.