Post by The Killenial (Caleb Ronan) on May 21, 2016 9:55:36 GMT -5
Caleb Ronan: Get the fuck away from me.
Makeup Artist: But sir, I need to do your makeup.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t give a fuck! Get the fuck away from me!
The makeup artist meekly walks out of Caleb Ronan’s green room in the Paramount Pictures Studios in Hollywood, California, where in a little while, he will be a guest on the Dr. Phil show. Frank Brown is sitting next to him, his makeup already applied.
Caleb does not look like himself. He’s not wearing his favorite gray beanie. His hair is a disheveled mess and someone neglected to tell him to wear a suit for a national television show. Still, he could have at least ironed his plaid shirt and tucked all of it into his skinny jeans, which has a noticeable hole exposing a small piece of his left kneecap.
Not that it would have mattered anyway if someone had told him to dress more presentable. He’s been numb to any communication since returning from Mexico City seven days before before. After spending a week chained to his own bed in Mexico City until the following Slam only to find out that his match had been cancelled, Caleb was suffering some sort of post-traumatic stress. Illegally imprisoned for a week for nothing was a little too much for him to take. As soon as he arrived home, he walked right up to his bedroom and shut the door, only leaving to use the toilet. He hasn’t told his parents what had happened to him.
Not that my dad would care.
The only person who knows is Frank.
Frank Brown: She’s only trying to make you look good for television, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: What are you saying, that I don’t look good the way that I am?
A tremor caused by fear runs through Frank.
Frank Brown: That’s not what I’m saying at all Caleb. You look great.
Frank looks away.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t want anybody touching me ever, ever again. Do you know what I’ve been through, Frank?
Frank Brown: Yes, Caleb. Seth had me locked up in a hotel room as well.
Caleb Ronan: Oh, and were you chained to your bed with a mystery doctor staring at you the whole time just in case he had to stick a needle in you?
Frank Brown: Um....no.
Caleb Ronan: That’s what I thought.
The room goes silent for a good thirty seconds.
Hmm. Should I tell him? He might get upset. Then again, maybe he won’t. He’d be happy for me, right? He’s a good friend. I’ll just spit it out.
Frank Brown: You know, it wasn’t that bad. I was allowed to walk around the suite…
Caleb Ronan: Wait, Seth had you locked in a hotel suite? By yourself?
Frank Brown: Yeah, it was great. I had a king size bed and a flat screen TV. In fact, I had two TVs, one in the bedroom and one in the common area. I had a great view of Mexico City from my balcony. I could order room service any time I wanted. All I had to do, really, was agree to stay in the suite for the whole week. There wasn’t even any security to watch me. A little secret: I snuck out a few times and walked around the city! Mexico City really is a great place. I wish we were still there right now!
Frank notices that Caleb is staring a hole through him.
Caleb Ronan: You know these outbursts I keep mysteriously having?
Frank Brown: Y-yeah?
Caleb Ronan: I feel another one coming on.
Frank hops out of his chair.
Frank Brown: Wow, I’m thirsty. I need some water. You want some water Caleb? No? Okay. I’ll be back.
Frank quickly walks out of the room.
Caleb Ronan: Ass.
Caleb moves to the couch where his satchel sits. He opens it up and pulls out his laptop. He brought it along with him because he has no more smartphone. He plugs the charger into a nearby outlet.
I might as well do this since I’m waiting.
He activates the laptop’s camera. The blue light above the screen lights up.
Hmm, how do I pose for this? I need something that shows the inner torture that I’m feeling right now.
He takes some different shots and studies them before finally picking the one he likes best. After saving it to the computer, he opens the web browser and types in the URL for his blog.
ontheropes.blogspot.com
On the Ropes
May 18, 2016
Shine Off, You Crazy Alpine
I’m not interested in sharing what I’ve been through since you all last saw me on television on May 1. All I’m going to say is that my employer is forcing me to appear on the Dr. Phil show today or else I’ll lose my job and can’t lose this job. It’s the only thing keeping me from having to work two days a week (one for wrestling, the other for this blog).
I’ll say something else. My life has mirrored what’s been going on in the WCF lately. I’ve experienced something that will leave an undeniable mark on my life. The WCF has experienced something that will leave an undeniable mark on its existence as well. There’s been an upheaval in my normalcy and there’s been an upheaval in the WCF’s normalcy.
While the upheaval in my personal life will probably haunt me forever, the upheaval in the WCF may be good for me professionally. With the cancellation of the Trios tournament and the unceremonious dumping of half the roster, yours truly is getting the opportunity that only comes to a select few in the professional wrestling world: I’m a contender for the WCF World Championship.
Starting this Sunday, I’m will take part in the WCF Classic, a semi-traditional tournament. Logan is in the tournament as well and his World Title is on the line. That means the winner of the tournament will be the World Champion; so while I may have nightmares about what happened to me in Mexico City, at least I can wake up from my nightmares to the sight of the big, gold winged eagle. Did I like what happened? No. Does being in what is essentially a World Title tournament make up for it. Maybe. I don’t know.
It’s all very Jungian, a very “duality of man” type of thing (I learned about it in my philosophy class my freshman year).
Ever since I came home from Mexico City last week, I’ve been holed up in my room. I really have no desire to talk to anybody. My father is a cold hearted fascist who thinks the night that I was conceived was the worst day of his life. My mother is a sweet simpleton who doesn’t understand anything I say. Neither of them went to college, so my views of the world are foreign to their baby boomer, Cold War- era brains. All I did before getting on the plane out to Hollywood was research my first round opponent, Brent Alpine.
Wow, and people think I’m a pretentious douche. Just take this quote from a promo Brent cut in 2014.
“How can it be possible that an entity so majestic can occupy a world so flawed and drab? I am a walking multiple orgasm, a light in the blackest night, a starving Ethiopian's child's first cake.”
I don’t think I’m the only way saying “I’m offended” in regards to the bit about starving Ethiopian children.
Now, I know he’s trying to get his life back in order after he quit out of nowhere not too long after this quote, but he still seems to me like the same ostentatious windbag that he was two years ago.
Let’s take a look at his nickname, for starters. “The Shine.” What does that even mean? Is he an angel? Is he Jesus Christ? Is he luminescent like Dr. Manhattan?
Well, I’ve read the entire bible and Watchmen, and at no point did an angel, Jesus Christ, or Dr. Manhattan refer to themselves as the personification of a genital contraction.
What makes him “shine” so much? Is it the fact that he’s a former Television Champion? I don’t think so. He calls his TV Title reign “strong,” but I think the evidence points in a different direction. First off, he held the title for a little over a month. Considering that guys like Joey Flash and John Gable held the title for at least four months, “The Shine’s” title reign was rather pedestrian. Secondly, how did he lose the title? Did he lose it fighting valiantly until the bitter end? Nope. He lost it via disqualification; and to add insult to injury, the lady who caused the disqualification then attacked him and left him laying while someone else was being awarded his title! Yeah, you really shined there, Brent.
After “shining” so brightly as the Television Champion, he claimed to have gone on some fake losing streak to prevent some of the other talent from getting jealous of his shininess and quitting. I guess that explains the Philadelphia 76ers this season. They didn’t want Golden State to withdraw from the NBA, so they went 10-72 instead. It’s a common practice amongst professional athletes: sabotage yourself to make your opponent happy.
But Brent never shined brighter than when he quit out of nowhere, not to be heard from until recently. And why did he quit? Because he was being bullied.
I’m one of the leading advocates against bullying. I was the president of my college’s chapter of ABS (Anti-Bullying Society). We led a rally against a professor who bullied one of his students. He had the gall to tell the student that ebonics was not appropriate for term papers. Well, needless to say, we got the professor fired.
That’s what I do when I see bullying, whether I’m being bullied or somebody else is being bullied- I fight back. That’s the only way to deal with them.
Brent Alpine wasn’t willing to fight. He wasn’t willing to stand up for himself. When he was being targeted, he just packed his bags and left. I don’t know about any of you, but that doesn’t sound like a “shining” example to me. I don’t care how many former world champions he beat. Those victories stopped mattering the moment he walked out the door. They might as well have not happened. What are you teaching the kids watching at home when you cower in the face of macroaggression, that it’s okay to validate it by running away?
Seth Lerch is just enabling Brent’s cowardice by putting him into this tournament. Why am I even facing him this week? He hasn’t wrestled a match in two years and the first day he’s back, he gets to fight for a chance at the World Title. I guess the example Seth is trying to set is “run away for two years and you’ll be rewarded handsomely.”
I don’t care if Brent’s trying to make himself better or be more socially and emotionally balanced. Is he trying to make the world better like me? Is he an advocate for the oppressed of the world? Does he want to censor hate speech? Does he want an inclusive society for transgender people? The answers are no, no, and no. He wants what he wanted two years ago- for everybody to bask in his radiance and bow down to his omnipotence.
Well, besides being a literal creepy tool, I could never really bring myself to bow down to a guy who hangs out with a talking pig, a toe sucking, sex offending yoga instructor, and some Jesus freak he found at the Westboro Baptist Church. I know people will say “Caleb, they’re just his personal affirmationists, just like Frank Brown is to you.” Never equate Frank Brown with these three extras from The Hills Have Eyes. Frank cares about humanity just as much as I do. If my self-esteem is up, the self-esteem of humanity is up. He’s not contributing to some cult of personality led by a demagogue whose relevance ended quicker than Hozier’s.
If anybody should be called “The Shine” in the WCF, it’s me. My work fighting for social justice in all of its forms has made me a beacon of light around the world. While guys like Brent Alpine want to bring back their glory days and inject oldness into the veins of the WCF, I bring the fresh, youthful exuberance that the WCF needs to succeed in this new era, just like America needs the current youth movement that’s trying to fix the broken, politically corrupt, corporate controlled system that has the U.S. in a chokehold.
This Sunday, I will shine bright in the first round of the tournament when Brent Alpine finds out what it’s like to be in the ring with someone who is Literally Amazing. Then, I’ll be absolutely glowing when I defeat either the perpetually coming up short Gemini Battle or the jarhead Stuart Slane. Finally, my magnificent radiance will blind the eyes of the world when I win the World Championship in the four way at Blast!
And unlike you, Brent, I’ll live up to the name “Alpine” when I reach the top of the WCF.
Caleb posts the entry to the blog, puts the laptop away, and leans back in the couch. His attempt at relaxation is disrupted by a knock at the door. A chubby production assistant (PA) sticks her head in.
PA: Mr. Ronan, it’s time.
Caleb closes his eyes and sighs.
Fuck me.
He pushes himself up to his feet and follows the PA to the wings of the stage, where he’ll wait until it’s his time to appear on camera.
This must be what it’s like to walk to your own execution.
The show begins with Dr. Phil walking on stage while the audience applauds. He says “Thank you” a number of times while he waits for the show’s theme song to end and the audience to quiet down. He looks at the camera and begins his introduction.
Dr. Phil: Thanks for joining us today. For those of us that graduated college 30, 40 years ago, we remember what it was like to come home after being away for four years. After all the freedom- and the parties…
The audience laughs.
Dr. Phil: …- living with mom and dad just wasn’t the same anymore. And what did we do? We packed our bags, found our own places, and started our lives. Today’s generation- the millennials as they’re called- aren’t following the same path. Due to student loans and the higher cost of living in today’s world, many millennials have elected to stay with mom and dad a little bit longer, some for a year, some for five years, and even some for ten or longer. Many of these young people save and work to get out from under their parents’ roofs, but there are some that make no effort whatsoever to enter adulthood and get away from the yolk of mommy and daddy. Some even show such high levels of immaturity about their situation that it’s a wonder they’ve made it this far in the first place. Today, you will meet a young man who is not only freeloading off his parents, but they’re also worried that his mental state is regressing. Let’s take a look.
A video package plays.
Mr. Ronan: Caleb graduated from college last May and ever since then he hasn’t done much.
While Mr. Ronan speaks, images of Caleb appear, including of him typing on his laptop, eating food out of a tupperware container, and sleeping on the couch in his parents’ living room.
Mr. Ronan: He works part time as a wrestler, but that’s one day a week. I’ve been busting my ass for thirty years working forty hours a week plus overtime as a custodian trying to provide for my family and send him to college and he thinks he’s too good for a second job.
Mrs. Ronan: And lately he’s been having these sudden outbursts at home.
The video shows Caleb slamming his bedroom door and yelling “The wi-fi in this house sucks!”
Mr. Ronan: We told him we wanted him to pay rent and he ripped the arm off of one of our dining room chairs.
The video shows the incident Mr. Ronan is describing.
Mrs. Ronan: He wasn’t always like this.
A picture of Caleb in third grade appears.
Mrs. Ronan: He was such a sweet boy.
Mr. Ronan: He was never a genius, but he was a good kid. Now, I don’t even recognize him any more.
The third grade picture morphs into a picture of Caleb in 2016.
Mrs. Ronan: If our boy doesn’t get help soon, I don’t know what’ll happen to him.
Mrs. Ronan starts to tear up.
Mr. Ronan: I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen. He’s gonna be out on his ass!
A final shot of Caleb passed out on the couch appears before the video ends and we see Dr. Phil, Caleb, Frank, and Mr. and Mrs. Ronan on the stage.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, when you’re boss, my good friend Seth Lerch, called me up and asked me to help you, I thought we were just dealing with an anger management problem, but when we looked into your private life and interviewed your parents, I realized we had a much bigger problem. Son, you need to deal with the reality that you are an adult now!
The audience applauds.
Dr. Phil: Let’s start with the living situation. You’ve been out of school for a year now. You don’t pay rent, even after your parents said they wanted you to pay rent, and you work one day a week at a job where one accident could end your wrestling days like that.
Dr. Phil snaps his fingers when he says “that.”
Dr. Phil: Your father’s at the point now where he wants to kick you out of the house. What are you going to do when that day comes? I doubt you have enough money saved up to live out on your own. How come you aren’t out there every days hitting the pavement trying to find a job?
The audience applauds.
Caleb Ronan: I’m a writer. I need time to write. I already sacrifice one day so I can wrestle.
Dr. Phil hold his head in his hand and shakes his head. The crowd laughs.
Dr. Phil: If I had a dime for every time I heard a young kid say that he was a writer, I wouldn’t need to do this show anymore!
More applause.
Dr. Phil: Tell me something: what have you written?
Caleb Ronan: Um, a few short stories, some essays.
Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? And who published them?
Caleb Ronan: My college’s literary magazine.
Dr. Phil gives a deadpan look to the crowd and they laugh.
Dr. Phil: You said that you’re only working one day a week because you need time to write. What are you working on right now?
Caleb Ronan: Currently, I’m writing a blog about my wrestling career.
Dr. Phil: Oh, a blog, huh?
Snickers come from some members of the audience.
Dr. Phil: And what’s your goal with this blog?
Caleb Ronan: I’m hoping to get a book deal.
Dr. Phil: Have you made any publishing companies aware of your blog?
Caleb Ronan: Um, no. I’m expecting them to come to me.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, I hate to tell you this, but that ain’t the way life works.
The audience applauds.
Mr. Ronan: That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell him, Dr. Phil, but he won’t listen. He thinks he knows everything.
Caleb Ronan: Well, I went to college, so I think I pretty much do. Did you go to college, Dad?
Mr. Ronan: No, and I didn’t need to. I’ve raised and taken care of a family without a degree. Besides, look what college did to you. You were normal and then all of those liberal professors filled your head with ideas about social justice or whatever other garbage they brainwashed you with and all of a sudden you think you’re too good for your own friends and family and too privileged and too smart to get a full time job!
The audience applauds Mr. Ronan. Caleb is wearing a noticeable frown on his face. He’s pissed that he’s been one-upped by his dad.
Son of a bitch.
He starts to feel his eye twitch slightly.
Frank Brown: Caleb is a great writer! He doesn’t need some nine to five job that sucks the life out of him. One day he’s going to be mentioned in the same breath as Ernest Hemingway and Toni Morrison!
Dr. Phil: Son, who the hell are you?
Frank Brown: I’m Frank Brown. I’m Caleb’s personal affirmationist.
Dr. Phil: I’m sorry, a personal what?
Frank Brown: Affirmationist. I help maintain his self-esteem.
Dr. Phil: Frank, you know what my dad used to tell me? He said “Boy, don’t ever miss a good chance to shut up.”
The crowd is wild with applause. Frank sits back in his chair, deflated by Dr. Phil’s harsh words.
Dr. Phil: Let’s get back to you, Caleb. Your parents have noticed some erratic behavior on your end. We saw it in the video package. What is setting off these sudden outbursts?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know, Dr. Phil. I’ve just been getting triggered more than usual the last month or so.
Dr. Phil: Triggered? You mean like getting offended?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah, but it’s worse than that. Triggering can cause anxiety, except in my case it’s been accompanied by this anger that I don’t just feel in my mind, but I feel in my body, too. It starts with an eye twitch, followed by these contractions I feel in my arms and in my pecs. I get this insane rush of strength running me and I just snap and do things I normally wouldn’t do.
Dr. Phil: Like break furniture and yell at people?
Caleb Ronan: (embarrassed) Yeah.
Dr. Phil takes a dramatic pause before responding.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, I got to tell you, I didn’t just come in on a load of turnips.
Wild applause from the audience.
Caleb Ronan: What? Why are they applauding that? What does that mean?
Dr. Phil: Let’s be honest with ourselves. You’re just a lazy 21 year old kid who’s too afraid to get off his butt and actually do something with his life.
More applause.
Dr. Phil: And you’re using this triggering excuse as a way to avoid having to be a responsible adult.
Caleb starts to feel the transformation happening again. He grips the arms of his chair to try to control himself.
Caleb Ronan: I'm not, though! Something is literally wrong with me!
Dr. Phil: You can’t play the game of life with sweaty palms. You need to get your life in order! You need to get control of your life!
The applause is endless.
Caleb Ronan: All this clapping is a trigger, Dr. Phil. Can’t they just snap their fingers?
Dr. Phil: Son, I’ve got one liners all day if you keep acting like a sissy boy who can’t face the fact that you ain’t in the playpen anymore. Here’s a few more:
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!
If you’re standing on a hot highway, get off on the cool grass!
No matter how flat you make a pancake, it’s got two sides.
No dog ever peed on a moving car!
You can’t put a snake on a roller coaster and then try to make it a birthday cake!
Caleb Ronan: How are these one liners supposed to help me? They don’t even mean anything! They’re just a bunch of random sayings thrown together to make it sound like you’re some down home doctor with some fake folksy wisdom. You don’t even have an active license anymore!
Dr. Phil: Listen, I ain’t the kind of doctor that’s going to hold your hand and give you a tissue every time something upsets you. I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not! I think what you’ve really needed in your life is someone to give you a whipping. Your daddy here should have taken the belt to you one or two times growing up.
Mr. Ronan: Believe me, I wanted to but my wife never let me.
Dr. Phil: Well, hell, it’s my show! If you want to start now, go for it!
The crowd starts chanting “Whip him! Whip him! Whip him!”
Caleb Ronan: WHAT?!
Mr. Ronan: (to Dr. Phil) Are you serious?
Dr. Phil: Yeah, go for it! What do I care? We’ve never had a parent beat their child on the show before. This’ll be great for ratings!
Mr. Ronan: This is the greatest day of my life.
Mr. Ronan stands up and starts to undo his belt. Mrs. Ronan tries to grab his arm.
Mrs. Ronan: Dale, don’t!
Mr. Ronan: Get your hand off me, Marie! This is MY moment!
Crowd: DALE! DALE! DALE! DALE!
Frank tries to intercept Mr. Ronan but Mr. Ronan back hands him. Frank falls to the floor, knocked unconscious by the slap. Mr. Ronan slowly inches closer and closer to Caleb. Caleb’s face starts to contort and he begins to shake. His grip on the chair gets tighter.
Dr. Phil: (sarcastically) Uh-oh, I think somebody’s feeling triggered!
Caleb feels all the muscles in his body contracting.
Caleb Ronan: Dad, don’t do this, please! I can’t control what might happen next!
Mr. Ronan: Shut up, Caleb! Just act like a man for once in your goddamned life!
Dr. Phil looks to someone off camera.
Dr. Phil: We’re getting all this on tape, right?
Sweat starts to bead down Caleb’s forehead. The lights in the studio start to flicker. The studio starts to shake. Some people in the crowd start to gasp.
Dr. Phil: What the hell? Are we having an earthquake?
Mr. Ronan is unfazed by everything that’s going on around him.
Dr. Phil: Alright, let’s get everybody out of the studio. Dale, let’s hold off on the beating for right now and get you and your wife to safety.
Mr. Ronan: Shut up, Dr. Phil! You said I could do this and now I’m going to do it!
He lifts the belt high in the air and goes to strike Caleb, but before he can make contact. The studio goes dark. The audience starts to yell. The shaking continues for a few more seconds but then comes to a sudden stop. The lights turn back on and everyone is still on stage- except Caleb. Mr. Ronan is still holding his belt but looks around the studio.
Mr. Ronan: Where the hell is Caleb?
Dr. Phil: Does anyone see him?
Everyone starts looking around but he’s nowhere to be found. Mrs. Ronan gets out of her chair and slaps Mr. Ronan and Dr. Phil across their faces.
Mrs. Ronan: Now look what you’ve done! My boy has run away!
She breaks down in tears.
Dr. Phil: (to one of the stage crew) Alright, let’s let security know that we’ve got a missing person. Maybe he’s still on the lot.
But Caleb's not. He’s running down North Gower Street.
Running from my parents. Running from the triggers. Running from all the evil in this white male dominated world.
As he runs, Caleb finds that he’s running faster than ever before. He’s not winded. He’s not in pain. His legs feel stronger than ever. In fact, his whole body feels stronger than ever. He’s like the Six Million Dollar Man.
He continues running the same path, eventually hitting an incline, yet his body feels no more pain than before. The incline gets steeper and steeper until he reaches the end of the path. He’s on Mount Lee and he’s looking up at the Hollywood sign. He climbs onto one of the “Os” and sits, looking at the view of Los Angeles while thinking about his life.
The past twelve months have been real hard. Nobody gets it. Everybody acts like I was a better person before going to college and that college spoiled me in some way. The truth is, I didn’t really like myself back then. I didn’t know who I was. Then I went to college and found that I was someone who cared deeply about the problems plaguing this world. I made friends that shared my worldview. The nights and weekends we spent advocating for the less fortunate were the best memories of college.
And besides that, I got to live my life the way I wanted, without being told to clean up after myself or go to bed at a certain hour. I had a meal plan. I went to parties. Ultimate Frisbee in the Spring, Broomball in the Winter, open mics at the coffeehouse in town, listening to music on vinyl in my friends’ dorm, playing ping pong and pool in the rec room, that was my life for four years!
And then, just like that, it was gone. And I was back home. With my parents. In the same town that I grew up in. And nothing was the same. Everything that I knew before college was dull. Everyone I knew didn’t care about life beyond Centereach. They were entrenched in the doldrums of everyday life, and they wanted me to join them. My parents just expected me to become their version of an adult overnight. And when I did get a job, what happened? I was met with the most bigoted, misogynistic, aggressive, cisgender assholes that this world has ever seen, all led by the biggest asshole of all, Seth Lerch.
This is the real world, huh? A cruel place where everyone looks out for themselves and no one cares about who they might offend?
I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep having these outbursts, but the more I try to assimilate to the real world, the more control I lose over my emotions. I have to get away. I have to get away from the triggers. I have to find my safe space.
And there’s only one safe space that I know about where the triggers can’t get to me. The only place in this world I’ve ever loved. My real, true home.
I have to go back to my college campus.
Makeup Artist: But sir, I need to do your makeup.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t give a fuck! Get the fuck away from me!
The makeup artist meekly walks out of Caleb Ronan’s green room in the Paramount Pictures Studios in Hollywood, California, where in a little while, he will be a guest on the Dr. Phil show. Frank Brown is sitting next to him, his makeup already applied.
Caleb does not look like himself. He’s not wearing his favorite gray beanie. His hair is a disheveled mess and someone neglected to tell him to wear a suit for a national television show. Still, he could have at least ironed his plaid shirt and tucked all of it into his skinny jeans, which has a noticeable hole exposing a small piece of his left kneecap.
Not that it would have mattered anyway if someone had told him to dress more presentable. He’s been numb to any communication since returning from Mexico City seven days before before. After spending a week chained to his own bed in Mexico City until the following Slam only to find out that his match had been cancelled, Caleb was suffering some sort of post-traumatic stress. Illegally imprisoned for a week for nothing was a little too much for him to take. As soon as he arrived home, he walked right up to his bedroom and shut the door, only leaving to use the toilet. He hasn’t told his parents what had happened to him.
Not that my dad would care.
The only person who knows is Frank.
Frank Brown: She’s only trying to make you look good for television, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: What are you saying, that I don’t look good the way that I am?
A tremor caused by fear runs through Frank.
Frank Brown: That’s not what I’m saying at all Caleb. You look great.
Frank looks away.
Caleb Ronan: I don’t want anybody touching me ever, ever again. Do you know what I’ve been through, Frank?
Frank Brown: Yes, Caleb. Seth had me locked up in a hotel room as well.
Caleb Ronan: Oh, and were you chained to your bed with a mystery doctor staring at you the whole time just in case he had to stick a needle in you?
Frank Brown: Um....no.
Caleb Ronan: That’s what I thought.
The room goes silent for a good thirty seconds.
Hmm. Should I tell him? He might get upset. Then again, maybe he won’t. He’d be happy for me, right? He’s a good friend. I’ll just spit it out.
Frank Brown: You know, it wasn’t that bad. I was allowed to walk around the suite…
Caleb Ronan: Wait, Seth had you locked in a hotel suite? By yourself?
Frank Brown: Yeah, it was great. I had a king size bed and a flat screen TV. In fact, I had two TVs, one in the bedroom and one in the common area. I had a great view of Mexico City from my balcony. I could order room service any time I wanted. All I had to do, really, was agree to stay in the suite for the whole week. There wasn’t even any security to watch me. A little secret: I snuck out a few times and walked around the city! Mexico City really is a great place. I wish we were still there right now!
Frank notices that Caleb is staring a hole through him.
Caleb Ronan: You know these outbursts I keep mysteriously having?
Frank Brown: Y-yeah?
Caleb Ronan: I feel another one coming on.
Frank hops out of his chair.
Frank Brown: Wow, I’m thirsty. I need some water. You want some water Caleb? No? Okay. I’ll be back.
Frank quickly walks out of the room.
Caleb Ronan: Ass.
Caleb moves to the couch where his satchel sits. He opens it up and pulls out his laptop. He brought it along with him because he has no more smartphone. He plugs the charger into a nearby outlet.
I might as well do this since I’m waiting.
He activates the laptop’s camera. The blue light above the screen lights up.
Hmm, how do I pose for this? I need something that shows the inner torture that I’m feeling right now.
He takes some different shots and studies them before finally picking the one he likes best. After saving it to the computer, he opens the web browser and types in the URL for his blog.
ontheropes.blogspot.com
On the Ropes
May 18, 2016
Shine Off, You Crazy Alpine
I’m not interested in sharing what I’ve been through since you all last saw me on television on May 1. All I’m going to say is that my employer is forcing me to appear on the Dr. Phil show today or else I’ll lose my job and can’t lose this job. It’s the only thing keeping me from having to work two days a week (one for wrestling, the other for this blog).
I’ll say something else. My life has mirrored what’s been going on in the WCF lately. I’ve experienced something that will leave an undeniable mark on my life. The WCF has experienced something that will leave an undeniable mark on its existence as well. There’s been an upheaval in my normalcy and there’s been an upheaval in the WCF’s normalcy.
While the upheaval in my personal life will probably haunt me forever, the upheaval in the WCF may be good for me professionally. With the cancellation of the Trios tournament and the unceremonious dumping of half the roster, yours truly is getting the opportunity that only comes to a select few in the professional wrestling world: I’m a contender for the WCF World Championship.
Starting this Sunday, I’m will take part in the WCF Classic, a semi-traditional tournament. Logan is in the tournament as well and his World Title is on the line. That means the winner of the tournament will be the World Champion; so while I may have nightmares about what happened to me in Mexico City, at least I can wake up from my nightmares to the sight of the big, gold winged eagle. Did I like what happened? No. Does being in what is essentially a World Title tournament make up for it. Maybe. I don’t know.
It’s all very Jungian, a very “duality of man” type of thing (I learned about it in my philosophy class my freshman year).
Ever since I came home from Mexico City last week, I’ve been holed up in my room. I really have no desire to talk to anybody. My father is a cold hearted fascist who thinks the night that I was conceived was the worst day of his life. My mother is a sweet simpleton who doesn’t understand anything I say. Neither of them went to college, so my views of the world are foreign to their baby boomer, Cold War- era brains. All I did before getting on the plane out to Hollywood was research my first round opponent, Brent Alpine.
Wow, and people think I’m a pretentious douche. Just take this quote from a promo Brent cut in 2014.
“How can it be possible that an entity so majestic can occupy a world so flawed and drab? I am a walking multiple orgasm, a light in the blackest night, a starving Ethiopian's child's first cake.”
I don’t think I’m the only way saying “I’m offended” in regards to the bit about starving Ethiopian children.
Now, I know he’s trying to get his life back in order after he quit out of nowhere not too long after this quote, but he still seems to me like the same ostentatious windbag that he was two years ago.
Let’s take a look at his nickname, for starters. “The Shine.” What does that even mean? Is he an angel? Is he Jesus Christ? Is he luminescent like Dr. Manhattan?
Well, I’ve read the entire bible and Watchmen, and at no point did an angel, Jesus Christ, or Dr. Manhattan refer to themselves as the personification of a genital contraction.
What makes him “shine” so much? Is it the fact that he’s a former Television Champion? I don’t think so. He calls his TV Title reign “strong,” but I think the evidence points in a different direction. First off, he held the title for a little over a month. Considering that guys like Joey Flash and John Gable held the title for at least four months, “The Shine’s” title reign was rather pedestrian. Secondly, how did he lose the title? Did he lose it fighting valiantly until the bitter end? Nope. He lost it via disqualification; and to add insult to injury, the lady who caused the disqualification then attacked him and left him laying while someone else was being awarded his title! Yeah, you really shined there, Brent.
After “shining” so brightly as the Television Champion, he claimed to have gone on some fake losing streak to prevent some of the other talent from getting jealous of his shininess and quitting. I guess that explains the Philadelphia 76ers this season. They didn’t want Golden State to withdraw from the NBA, so they went 10-72 instead. It’s a common practice amongst professional athletes: sabotage yourself to make your opponent happy.
But Brent never shined brighter than when he quit out of nowhere, not to be heard from until recently. And why did he quit? Because he was being bullied.
I’m one of the leading advocates against bullying. I was the president of my college’s chapter of ABS (Anti-Bullying Society). We led a rally against a professor who bullied one of his students. He had the gall to tell the student that ebonics was not appropriate for term papers. Well, needless to say, we got the professor fired.
That’s what I do when I see bullying, whether I’m being bullied or somebody else is being bullied- I fight back. That’s the only way to deal with them.
Brent Alpine wasn’t willing to fight. He wasn’t willing to stand up for himself. When he was being targeted, he just packed his bags and left. I don’t know about any of you, but that doesn’t sound like a “shining” example to me. I don’t care how many former world champions he beat. Those victories stopped mattering the moment he walked out the door. They might as well have not happened. What are you teaching the kids watching at home when you cower in the face of macroaggression, that it’s okay to validate it by running away?
Seth Lerch is just enabling Brent’s cowardice by putting him into this tournament. Why am I even facing him this week? He hasn’t wrestled a match in two years and the first day he’s back, he gets to fight for a chance at the World Title. I guess the example Seth is trying to set is “run away for two years and you’ll be rewarded handsomely.”
I don’t care if Brent’s trying to make himself better or be more socially and emotionally balanced. Is he trying to make the world better like me? Is he an advocate for the oppressed of the world? Does he want to censor hate speech? Does he want an inclusive society for transgender people? The answers are no, no, and no. He wants what he wanted two years ago- for everybody to bask in his radiance and bow down to his omnipotence.
Well, besides being a literal creepy tool, I could never really bring myself to bow down to a guy who hangs out with a talking pig, a toe sucking, sex offending yoga instructor, and some Jesus freak he found at the Westboro Baptist Church. I know people will say “Caleb, they’re just his personal affirmationists, just like Frank Brown is to you.” Never equate Frank Brown with these three extras from The Hills Have Eyes. Frank cares about humanity just as much as I do. If my self-esteem is up, the self-esteem of humanity is up. He’s not contributing to some cult of personality led by a demagogue whose relevance ended quicker than Hozier’s.
If anybody should be called “The Shine” in the WCF, it’s me. My work fighting for social justice in all of its forms has made me a beacon of light around the world. While guys like Brent Alpine want to bring back their glory days and inject oldness into the veins of the WCF, I bring the fresh, youthful exuberance that the WCF needs to succeed in this new era, just like America needs the current youth movement that’s trying to fix the broken, politically corrupt, corporate controlled system that has the U.S. in a chokehold.
This Sunday, I will shine bright in the first round of the tournament when Brent Alpine finds out what it’s like to be in the ring with someone who is Literally Amazing. Then, I’ll be absolutely glowing when I defeat either the perpetually coming up short Gemini Battle or the jarhead Stuart Slane. Finally, my magnificent radiance will blind the eyes of the world when I win the World Championship in the four way at Blast!
And unlike you, Brent, I’ll live up to the name “Alpine” when I reach the top of the WCF.
Caleb posts the entry to the blog, puts the laptop away, and leans back in the couch. His attempt at relaxation is disrupted by a knock at the door. A chubby production assistant (PA) sticks her head in.
PA: Mr. Ronan, it’s time.
Caleb closes his eyes and sighs.
Fuck me.
He pushes himself up to his feet and follows the PA to the wings of the stage, where he’ll wait until it’s his time to appear on camera.
This must be what it’s like to walk to your own execution.
Dr. Phil: Thanks for joining us today. For those of us that graduated college 30, 40 years ago, we remember what it was like to come home after being away for four years. After all the freedom- and the parties…
The audience laughs.
Dr. Phil: …- living with mom and dad just wasn’t the same anymore. And what did we do? We packed our bags, found our own places, and started our lives. Today’s generation- the millennials as they’re called- aren’t following the same path. Due to student loans and the higher cost of living in today’s world, many millennials have elected to stay with mom and dad a little bit longer, some for a year, some for five years, and even some for ten or longer. Many of these young people save and work to get out from under their parents’ roofs, but there are some that make no effort whatsoever to enter adulthood and get away from the yolk of mommy and daddy. Some even show such high levels of immaturity about their situation that it’s a wonder they’ve made it this far in the first place. Today, you will meet a young man who is not only freeloading off his parents, but they’re also worried that his mental state is regressing. Let’s take a look.
A video package plays.
Mr. Ronan: Caleb graduated from college last May and ever since then he hasn’t done much.
While Mr. Ronan speaks, images of Caleb appear, including of him typing on his laptop, eating food out of a tupperware container, and sleeping on the couch in his parents’ living room.
Mr. Ronan: He works part time as a wrestler, but that’s one day a week. I’ve been busting my ass for thirty years working forty hours a week plus overtime as a custodian trying to provide for my family and send him to college and he thinks he’s too good for a second job.
Mrs. Ronan: And lately he’s been having these sudden outbursts at home.
The video shows Caleb slamming his bedroom door and yelling “The wi-fi in this house sucks!”
Mr. Ronan: We told him we wanted him to pay rent and he ripped the arm off of one of our dining room chairs.
The video shows the incident Mr. Ronan is describing.
Mrs. Ronan: He wasn’t always like this.
A picture of Caleb in third grade appears.
Mrs. Ronan: He was such a sweet boy.
Mr. Ronan: He was never a genius, but he was a good kid. Now, I don’t even recognize him any more.
The third grade picture morphs into a picture of Caleb in 2016.
Mrs. Ronan: If our boy doesn’t get help soon, I don’t know what’ll happen to him.
Mrs. Ronan starts to tear up.
Mr. Ronan: I’ll tell you what’s gonna happen. He’s gonna be out on his ass!
A final shot of Caleb passed out on the couch appears before the video ends and we see Dr. Phil, Caleb, Frank, and Mr. and Mrs. Ronan on the stage.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, when you’re boss, my good friend Seth Lerch, called me up and asked me to help you, I thought we were just dealing with an anger management problem, but when we looked into your private life and interviewed your parents, I realized we had a much bigger problem. Son, you need to deal with the reality that you are an adult now!
The audience applauds.
Dr. Phil: Let’s start with the living situation. You’ve been out of school for a year now. You don’t pay rent, even after your parents said they wanted you to pay rent, and you work one day a week at a job where one accident could end your wrestling days like that.
Dr. Phil snaps his fingers when he says “that.”
Dr. Phil: Your father’s at the point now where he wants to kick you out of the house. What are you going to do when that day comes? I doubt you have enough money saved up to live out on your own. How come you aren’t out there every days hitting the pavement trying to find a job?
The audience applauds.
Caleb Ronan: I’m a writer. I need time to write. I already sacrifice one day so I can wrestle.
Dr. Phil hold his head in his hand and shakes his head. The crowd laughs.
Dr. Phil: If I had a dime for every time I heard a young kid say that he was a writer, I wouldn’t need to do this show anymore!
More applause.
Dr. Phil: Tell me something: what have you written?
Caleb Ronan: Um, a few short stories, some essays.
Dr. Phil: Oh, yeah? And who published them?
Caleb Ronan: My college’s literary magazine.
Dr. Phil gives a deadpan look to the crowd and they laugh.
Dr. Phil: You said that you’re only working one day a week because you need time to write. What are you working on right now?
Caleb Ronan: Currently, I’m writing a blog about my wrestling career.
Dr. Phil: Oh, a blog, huh?
Snickers come from some members of the audience.
Dr. Phil: And what’s your goal with this blog?
Caleb Ronan: I’m hoping to get a book deal.
Dr. Phil: Have you made any publishing companies aware of your blog?
Caleb Ronan: Um, no. I’m expecting them to come to me.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, I hate to tell you this, but that ain’t the way life works.
The audience applauds.
Mr. Ronan: That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell him, Dr. Phil, but he won’t listen. He thinks he knows everything.
Caleb Ronan: Well, I went to college, so I think I pretty much do. Did you go to college, Dad?
Mr. Ronan: No, and I didn’t need to. I’ve raised and taken care of a family without a degree. Besides, look what college did to you. You were normal and then all of those liberal professors filled your head with ideas about social justice or whatever other garbage they brainwashed you with and all of a sudden you think you’re too good for your own friends and family and too privileged and too smart to get a full time job!
The audience applauds Mr. Ronan. Caleb is wearing a noticeable frown on his face. He’s pissed that he’s been one-upped by his dad.
Son of a bitch.
He starts to feel his eye twitch slightly.
Frank Brown: Caleb is a great writer! He doesn’t need some nine to five job that sucks the life out of him. One day he’s going to be mentioned in the same breath as Ernest Hemingway and Toni Morrison!
Dr. Phil: Son, who the hell are you?
Frank Brown: I’m Frank Brown. I’m Caleb’s personal affirmationist.
Dr. Phil: I’m sorry, a personal what?
Frank Brown: Affirmationist. I help maintain his self-esteem.
Dr. Phil: Frank, you know what my dad used to tell me? He said “Boy, don’t ever miss a good chance to shut up.”
The crowd is wild with applause. Frank sits back in his chair, deflated by Dr. Phil’s harsh words.
Dr. Phil: Let’s get back to you, Caleb. Your parents have noticed some erratic behavior on your end. We saw it in the video package. What is setting off these sudden outbursts?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know, Dr. Phil. I’ve just been getting triggered more than usual the last month or so.
Dr. Phil: Triggered? You mean like getting offended?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah, but it’s worse than that. Triggering can cause anxiety, except in my case it’s been accompanied by this anger that I don’t just feel in my mind, but I feel in my body, too. It starts with an eye twitch, followed by these contractions I feel in my arms and in my pecs. I get this insane rush of strength running me and I just snap and do things I normally wouldn’t do.
Dr. Phil: Like break furniture and yell at people?
Caleb Ronan: (embarrassed) Yeah.
Dr. Phil takes a dramatic pause before responding.
Dr. Phil: Caleb, I got to tell you, I didn’t just come in on a load of turnips.
Wild applause from the audience.
Caleb Ronan: What? Why are they applauding that? What does that mean?
Dr. Phil: Let’s be honest with ourselves. You’re just a lazy 21 year old kid who’s too afraid to get off his butt and actually do something with his life.
More applause.
Dr. Phil: And you’re using this triggering excuse as a way to avoid having to be a responsible adult.
Caleb starts to feel the transformation happening again. He grips the arms of his chair to try to control himself.
Caleb Ronan: I'm not, though! Something is literally wrong with me!
Dr. Phil: You can’t play the game of life with sweaty palms. You need to get your life in order! You need to get control of your life!
The applause is endless.
Caleb Ronan: All this clapping is a trigger, Dr. Phil. Can’t they just snap their fingers?
Dr. Phil: Son, I’ve got one liners all day if you keep acting like a sissy boy who can’t face the fact that you ain’t in the playpen anymore. Here’s a few more:
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen!
If you’re standing on a hot highway, get off on the cool grass!
No matter how flat you make a pancake, it’s got two sides.
No dog ever peed on a moving car!
You can’t put a snake on a roller coaster and then try to make it a birthday cake!
Caleb Ronan: How are these one liners supposed to help me? They don’t even mean anything! They’re just a bunch of random sayings thrown together to make it sound like you’re some down home doctor with some fake folksy wisdom. You don’t even have an active license anymore!
Dr. Phil: Listen, I ain’t the kind of doctor that’s going to hold your hand and give you a tissue every time something upsets you. I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not! I think what you’ve really needed in your life is someone to give you a whipping. Your daddy here should have taken the belt to you one or two times growing up.
Mr. Ronan: Believe me, I wanted to but my wife never let me.
Dr. Phil: Well, hell, it’s my show! If you want to start now, go for it!
The crowd starts chanting “Whip him! Whip him! Whip him!”
Caleb Ronan: WHAT?!
Mr. Ronan: (to Dr. Phil) Are you serious?
Dr. Phil: Yeah, go for it! What do I care? We’ve never had a parent beat their child on the show before. This’ll be great for ratings!
Mr. Ronan: This is the greatest day of my life.
Mr. Ronan stands up and starts to undo his belt. Mrs. Ronan tries to grab his arm.
Mrs. Ronan: Dale, don’t!
Mr. Ronan: Get your hand off me, Marie! This is MY moment!
Crowd: DALE! DALE! DALE! DALE!
Frank tries to intercept Mr. Ronan but Mr. Ronan back hands him. Frank falls to the floor, knocked unconscious by the slap. Mr. Ronan slowly inches closer and closer to Caleb. Caleb’s face starts to contort and he begins to shake. His grip on the chair gets tighter.
Dr. Phil: (sarcastically) Uh-oh, I think somebody’s feeling triggered!
Caleb feels all the muscles in his body contracting.
Caleb Ronan: Dad, don’t do this, please! I can’t control what might happen next!
Mr. Ronan: Shut up, Caleb! Just act like a man for once in your goddamned life!
Dr. Phil looks to someone off camera.
Dr. Phil: We’re getting all this on tape, right?
Sweat starts to bead down Caleb’s forehead. The lights in the studio start to flicker. The studio starts to shake. Some people in the crowd start to gasp.
Dr. Phil: What the hell? Are we having an earthquake?
Mr. Ronan is unfazed by everything that’s going on around him.
Dr. Phil: Alright, let’s get everybody out of the studio. Dale, let’s hold off on the beating for right now and get you and your wife to safety.
Mr. Ronan: Shut up, Dr. Phil! You said I could do this and now I’m going to do it!
He lifts the belt high in the air and goes to strike Caleb, but before he can make contact. The studio goes dark. The audience starts to yell. The shaking continues for a few more seconds but then comes to a sudden stop. The lights turn back on and everyone is still on stage- except Caleb. Mr. Ronan is still holding his belt but looks around the studio.
Mr. Ronan: Where the hell is Caleb?
Dr. Phil: Does anyone see him?
Everyone starts looking around but he’s nowhere to be found. Mrs. Ronan gets out of her chair and slaps Mr. Ronan and Dr. Phil across their faces.
Mrs. Ronan: Now look what you’ve done! My boy has run away!
She breaks down in tears.
Dr. Phil: (to one of the stage crew) Alright, let’s let security know that we’ve got a missing person. Maybe he’s still on the lot.
But Caleb's not. He’s running down North Gower Street.
Running from my parents. Running from the triggers. Running from all the evil in this white male dominated world.
As he runs, Caleb finds that he’s running faster than ever before. He’s not winded. He’s not in pain. His legs feel stronger than ever. In fact, his whole body feels stronger than ever. He’s like the Six Million Dollar Man.
He continues running the same path, eventually hitting an incline, yet his body feels no more pain than before. The incline gets steeper and steeper until he reaches the end of the path. He’s on Mount Lee and he’s looking up at the Hollywood sign. He climbs onto one of the “Os” and sits, looking at the view of Los Angeles while thinking about his life.
The past twelve months have been real hard. Nobody gets it. Everybody acts like I was a better person before going to college and that college spoiled me in some way. The truth is, I didn’t really like myself back then. I didn’t know who I was. Then I went to college and found that I was someone who cared deeply about the problems plaguing this world. I made friends that shared my worldview. The nights and weekends we spent advocating for the less fortunate were the best memories of college.
And besides that, I got to live my life the way I wanted, without being told to clean up after myself or go to bed at a certain hour. I had a meal plan. I went to parties. Ultimate Frisbee in the Spring, Broomball in the Winter, open mics at the coffeehouse in town, listening to music on vinyl in my friends’ dorm, playing ping pong and pool in the rec room, that was my life for four years!
And then, just like that, it was gone. And I was back home. With my parents. In the same town that I grew up in. And nothing was the same. Everything that I knew before college was dull. Everyone I knew didn’t care about life beyond Centereach. They were entrenched in the doldrums of everyday life, and they wanted me to join them. My parents just expected me to become their version of an adult overnight. And when I did get a job, what happened? I was met with the most bigoted, misogynistic, aggressive, cisgender assholes that this world has ever seen, all led by the biggest asshole of all, Seth Lerch.
This is the real world, huh? A cruel place where everyone looks out for themselves and no one cares about who they might offend?
I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep having these outbursts, but the more I try to assimilate to the real world, the more control I lose over my emotions. I have to get away. I have to get away from the triggers. I have to find my safe space.
And there’s only one safe space that I know about where the triggers can’t get to me. The only place in this world I’ve ever loved. My real, true home.
I have to go back to my college campus.
