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Post by Henry Spearman on May 18, 2016 17:50:01 GMT -5
Lay it on me. I was trying to flesh it out a little bit and add some length.
Let me k ow what you thought.
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Post by Thomas Uriel Bates on Jun 1, 2016 9:23:04 GMT -5
Alright, so I’m going try to give some reviews. I’m having to review essays of other classmates in college right now, so this might actually help me. If you feel I’m picking on you for anything, please understand I’m just trying to be as picky as my professor. That being said, I’m not my professor, I’m going to miss things, and I may make even more errors. Take whatever I say in such regards with a grain of salt. About the size of Mount Everest… Alright, Neforian, here’s my review; Character DevelopmentI really liked the first half of your roleplay. I thought it built heavily on your character, and really showed even more potential for development. What threw me off, was the sudden change from a young innocent child, to a character that has seemingly given up on the world and embraced evil. I can’t wait to read how this massive change actually happened. Match RelevanceYour shoot I felt was lacking in scenery, but was good on dialogue. I really liked how you picked apart CJ, and felt that you really got into his mind. Starr was okay, but you didn’t jump in as heavy as you did with CJ. You still tore him apart too though. Je ne sais pasWhen I first started to read the roleplay, it played out like a book. It was nice, it felt nice, it was a good story. When we got to the shoot, it felt thrown out there. Throw in a creepy entrance, then tear into your opponent and then simply leave. I feel that if the scenery had been built up more, it would have been a much better roleplay. OverallI liked it. I wanted to read more of the first half. I wanted to find out more about that little boy, and then I wanted to know how that little boy turned into Neforian. What happened? I liked it. The dialogue in the shoot was very good, and I know that you’re a contender for anything I may be wanting to do here too. Needless StuffThere were some grammar errors, things like that. Feel free to overlook them as they were largely for my benefit as trying to identify them in writing for my class. Book of Neforian Chapter Two - Neforian.docx (23.89 KB)
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Post by Henry Spearman on Jun 2, 2016 7:33:14 GMT -5
Thanks!
Scenery has always been my weak spot. I'm trying but I just have a hard time with it.
The jump from Henry to Neforian is intentional and the story right now is broken into ten parts. By the tenth roleplay it will come full circle and the story of how Henry became Neforian will be complete. I'm kind of doing it like a flashback right now, so we get a glimpse of him before and then we see him now, slowly the two will get closer and closer together until we are one hundred percent in the present with no flashbacks. At that point I'm assuming the "story to shoot" divide will go away and the two will be more intertwined into one flowing roleplay.
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it
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Post by 'The Shine' Brent Alpine on Jun 2, 2016 10:19:04 GMT -5
I really, really like your work. There's something old school about you - you remind me of some of the top guys I used to see in e-wrestling 15 years ago. Not sure how to describe that but it's a compliment. I think it's to say that a lot of promos these days feel convoluted to me and a bit too wacky, zany, haha. Your writing is clear and concise. In spite of being old school, there's an originality about you. I particularly like how the character is the personification of the evil in the world. The character is simultaneously evil and condemning of evil. It's also great to see the backstory of Henry as it humanises Neforian and gives you scope to take the character in several directions.
The only two things I'd say is to echo Bates' comments about tightening up your grammar (it's a small point but perception makes a big difference) and that your description became a bit boring and sparse towards the end.
Keep up the fantastic work.
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Post by Henry Spearman on Jun 2, 2016 13:31:46 GMT -5
Thanks.
I'll have my roleplay up by tommorow and am going to try a slightly different style for my shoot. I'm hoping the small style difference will play into my strength a bit more and help improve the scenery a little bit.
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