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Post by Scarlett Selcis on May 16, 2016 15:06:10 GMT -5
Check out Scarlett Orgins and let me know what you think please? It's my first ever written piece!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 17:50:44 GMT -5
I like it as a solid piece of classic character development. In fact, I'm a little jealous. This sort of thing is what I'd like to do with Dag, but I don't have the focus to write extraneous ly on top of what I need for the week's match. As for your content, it's very efficient at getting what you want out of the reader. The sympathy and understanding is definitely something I couldn't ignore as I read it. For a beginning writer this is clearly a sign of good things and I think you'll get even better as you practice. What's important to me is getting comfortable with my writing, and that allows me to open up and do different and creative things. Once you get comfortable, you'll feel like you have more freedom and be able to think up new and interesting things to do with your characters and stories, and find new ways to build up depth to your characters. I look forward to what you'll be putting out in coming weeks!
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Post by Scarlett Selcis on May 16, 2016 18:04:51 GMT -5
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and respond. I appreciate your feedback! I'm glad you liked it. I wanted something that got across to the reader as to why my character acts/is a certain way. I really enjoyed writing it up too
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 6:02:10 GMT -5
A modern day Cinderella.
Great piece of prose.
The character development is great. Would like to see a bit more scene description. That will bring you to the next level
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Post by Scarlett Selcis on May 17, 2016 6:50:44 GMT -5
awesome, so more describing the scene/place etc? i know i need to work on that! thanks for your feedback. ive just written another piece up
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 8:01:09 GMT -5
Exactly.
I haven't read the second piece yet
in the first piece. I feel it ended a bit abruptly. I think a more suspenseful and sympathetic ending would have been just the dad striking Scarlett and leaving her wishing she could do something about it.
But she didn't. She couldn't bring herself to do it yet. But those thoughts are there and they're growing. All of us can imagine beating the shit out of someone after finding yourself beaten down by them, whether it's at work or in a more literal way. That's the image you want to get from her I think. Someone who reacts right away isn't sympathetic she's crazy.
There implications of her being brought gut to the edge, but I think it's just a bit too soon in her story, or rather the means that led to that end weren't expressed enough.
I'm horribly nitpicking here band giving no my own interpretation that may be way off. I mean no disrespect or anything insulting or negative about your piece. Jut thining of ways to take you over the edge from Lilith to Sarah twilight.
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Lilith
Newbie
Cancer
Lol
Posts: 60
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Post by Lilith on May 17, 2016 9:24:55 GMT -5
Just thining of ways to take you over the edge from Lilith to Sarah twilight. What's THAT supposed to mean, huh Gemini! HUH?!! And after I literally just said I'm team Gemini too well forget that! I'm now team nobody! You and purse are BOTH jerks! *runs off crying*
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Post by Scarlett Selcis on May 17, 2016 11:13:25 GMT -5
I'm not at all insulted by this. I appreciate the feedback I understand exactly what you mean. I tried to make it come across as though she'd been striked many times tho, but more for the reader to assume she had been like when I wrote the scene about her cooking the dinner and she stiffened at him shouting at her from the fear of being hit. But yeah I completely understand your feedback and will take it into account on my next piece
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 13:53:34 GMT -5
I think I understood where you were going. Just expanding on the core story. The events that shaped her life
I would have told it like this...
Dad wasn't around
Mom died
Dad took her in- abused her
Finish
Next chapter
After years of abuse she finally gets retribution
And then how she reacts about it is how we feel about her. Does she embrace the hate or is she ashamed of herself?
She was forced to become this person. How does she feel about it.
Ahe seems to enjoy it you spent the greater part of the story making us sympathize with her and ended with us thinking that she turned evil from her past.
I haven't read the second rp yet so I'm not sure where you're going.
The intentions seem vague. Which is a good thing. If that's what you were going for.
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 14:02:47 GMT -5
Ok. Just read through the second rp
Still is vague but now I like the vagueness more. We have to build our own opinions of her.
She's angry.
She has every right to be and she was displacing her anger on innocent bystanders.
So she started wrestling
And this is where it throws me.
She never wrestled before. All she did was get her ass kicked from her dad. Yet she has the technical prowess to beat a wrestling trainer her first go around.
The biggest problem with characters in efedding is that people are afraid to show weakness in their character or self doubt.
She fights and loses but shows heart and determination. Like or or hate her you respect her
You've painted yourself in a corner where she has so much natural talent that she beat a trainer in her first go around. She should be unstoppable and now any defeat is devastating to her character.
I would have... Especially since this is your first go around IRL reflect that in your character. She really wants to succeed. She has a lot of hate in her and needs ample to vent it.
Winning and losing shouldn't effect her and should t be important. Fighting should be important. Releasing the tension should be important, and very likely considering her past, as cliche as it might sound, she is desperate for the approval of a father who was never around and never treated her right. This guy Dave you introduced could have been that character that supported her when she never had a male figure like that before.
But you beat him and embarrassed him in the process by making him tap so quickly. Write yourself out of this and add depth of character. Give her the goal and direction she needs.
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 14:15:52 GMT -5
Also... I have a stomach virus today so I can give feedback. Normally I just keep m mouth shut. So when I stop responding tomorrow don't be insulted it just means less time sitting on the crappier.
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Post by Scarlett Selcis on May 17, 2016 15:16:42 GMT -5
ok I'm going to edit the story
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Post by Gemini Battle on May 17, 2016 15:43:52 GMT -5
Don't edit anything. Just keep going and use what you e written.
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