Post by Jeff Purse on May 8, 2016 15:00:20 GMT -5
Jeff Purse: Come on Steve!
Steve Orbit: Fuck you honkey. I ain't doing it.
Jeff Purse: Its safe!
Steve Orbit: Fuck you!
Polar Phantasm: Um...I don't know if its safe.
Jeff Purse: IT IS!
The three of them had met up at Jeff's farm to do some teamwork exercises. Not that they needed it that much because, I mean lets face it, Panthbros through and through. But still. Thats what they were doing. Jeff had set up a series of activities for them to do, and they were still stuck on the first. They were on a three person tandem bicycle, Jeff was in front, Polar in the middle, and Steve on that back.
Steve Orbit: And why you gotta make a black man ride in the back.
Jeff Purse: What...I...
Smash cut, now Jeff was in front, Steve was in the middle, and Polar was in the back.
Steve Orbit: I still don't wanna do it.
Jeff Purse: Guys, its not like we are jumping blind. We are jumping into the foam pit. I promise you its safe, and its a lot of fun.
Polar Phantasm: Ok. Ok I think I ready to do this.
Jeff Purse: WHOOOOO HERE WE GO!
Jeff and Polar start peddling, Steve doesn't. But, sorry Orbit, doesn't matter, the bike begins to move.
Jeff Purse: We aren't going to make it up the ramp and then you will get hurt if you don't pedal Steve!
Steve Orbit: I HATE YOU WHITE FUCKERS!
Steve begins to peddle and the bicycle fucking flies.
Jeff Purse: Uh..maybe...uh
Steve Orbit: What?
Polar Phantasm: FULL STEAM AHEAD!!
Polar begins peddling extra hard as they hit the ramp. They fly clean over the foam pit and land on the other side, perfectly, each of them jumping off the bike though and grabbing their crotch.
Steve Orbit: How the fuck do you do that Purse?
Polar Phantasm: Yeah...Im glad I have a son, because I can't now.
Jeff Purse: Its something you never get used to. When you make a hard landing like that-
Steve Orbit: I thought we were supposed to land in the foam pit!
Jeff Purse: Yeah...but I didn't account for the fact that all three of us would be really making this fucking bike move.
Polar Phantasm: It was fun though.
Jeff Purse: Right?
Steve Orbit: NO! I don't understand how the biggest wuss in the WCF does this shit!
Jeff Purse: I am not a wuss, I have phobias. That is different from being a wuss. Plus, you have a lot of irrational fears too.
Steve Orbit: No I don't. I have common sense homie.
Jeff Purse: Ok, next winter lets go ice fishing.
Steve Orbit: Hell nah. You ain't gonna catch a black man on ice, hell no. Do not mix.
Polar Phantasm: Guys.
Jeff Purse: Thats ridiculous the ice is safe.
Steve Orbit: That is what you said about this but now my nuts are numb.
Polar Phantasm: Guys.
Jeff Purse: The feeling will come back. Plus I had a kid after my BMX career you will be fine.
Steve Orbit: I am sporting way more than you down there man. There is more goods to damage.
Jeff Purse: Oh please.
Polar Phantasm: GUYS!!!!
Jeff and Steve stop and look at Polar who is staring at a very large tree standing somewhat over the foam pit.
Polar Phantasm: Lets climb it. We can climb it and jump into the foam pit.
Jeff and Steve: No.
Polar Phantasm: What? Thats a way better idea than this bike idea.
Jeff and Steve: No.
Polar Phantasm: You both are bitches.
Polar runs off and begins to climb the tree. Steve and Jeff shake their head, you wouldn't catch them up there.
Steve Orbit: Can I use your bathroom, I need to make sure my guys are fine.
Jeff Purse: Yeah, but be quiet, Kari just put Patrick down and she is still mad at me.
Steve Orbit: Thats why you won't ever domesticate me man. This dog don't have no master.
Jeff Purse: Yeah. I like being in a committed relationship.
Steve Orbit: You and all the other ladies out there.
Steve gives him a friendly whack on the shoulder and begins the long walk back to the house. He is limping, clearly, his junk hurts. Jeff turns to the camera. No time like the motherfucking present.
Jeff Purse: Trio's 2016. My glorious return to the tournament. Hey, remember when me and Corey and Fly were supposed to win the tournament and then something that I can't even explain happened and then we didn't win? Remember Polar being so god damn excited about eating pudding out of that cup? REMEMBER how Steve's team just couldn't hack it last year and got destroyed in the end by DRG? Yeah, I remember. I remember all of that. The trios and us three have quite a history. None of us have been the lucky ones to win this match. So what does it mean to me?
Trios is my...final task, if you will? I have said this before but I have done it all in the WCF. I have won the World title, I have won all the secondary belts, the Hardcore, the TV, the US, the Tag. I have won War, a task that not many before me have won, and I have risen above most of my opposition. Where is Jonny Fly? Where is Sarah Twilight? Where is Nathan von Liebert? Where is Eric Price? GONE! Do you know who is still around? Me. Thats right. Every major opponent I have ever gone against...even down to the fucking loser Jack Happy...they are all gone. None of them could hang as long as I have.
I came to this federation with Nathan and NightRider. NightRider made his glorious return but he had been gone for so long. Nathan fucking STABBED me at One, and I still managed to get the best of him. And now, now that I am supposed to soon go up against the best that WCF has ever had, Torture, where is he? Fucking gone. So explain to me how I don't deserve this fucking accolade? Explain to me why this isn't something that I have coming for me. I have fucking lasted and beat out the test of mother fucking time. Anyone who continues to say that Jeff Purse wasn't the Future of this company is a dead fucking wrong. I came in saying that and that is exactly what happened.
Jeff climbs up on the foam pit and sits on the ledge, as he continues.
Jeff Purse: Steve Orbit. My partner. Brother to Jonny Fly. I was weary of Orbit at first, I have to say. Oh, I have worked with him many times in the past. Pantheon and Crygenix. But being so close to Fly, I wasn't sure where his allegiance was. I still think Fly is a rapscallion and who knows how Orbit feels about me coming into this. But Steve, for all that he just talked about his dick, is a stand up mother fucker. Steve Orbit has more class in his fucking pinky than most people have in their entire lifetime. Not only does he have class, but he has style, and he is a tough son of a bitch. So think about that. Steve Orbit, the classiest, toughest, most stylish guy to ever grace a WCF ring. Who better to team with me?
Polar Phantasm, literally the only guy better to team with me. Not that Polar is better than Steve, but my fucking brother. My long lost tag team partner. The man, the myth, the mother fucking legend. The Future Elements was at one point the best fucking tag team this fucking federation has ever seen. And Polar and I, we are some of the best friends this federation has ever seen. Polar didn't let people fuck with me, and when Nathan and Obi kidnapped Nightmare, I was right by Polar's side, and I won her back. We are always on point and in sync. It would take a set of conjoined twins to beat me and Polar. Send in Orbit in there, and you have a fucking unstoppable war machine.
Jeff leans back on the ledge, making sure not to fall in.
Jeff Purse: Its almost laughable that Seth put us in this fucking huge trio royal. First and foremost...Cathy Fitch. Who the fuck even is that person? I know a lot of you don't know. So I did you all the favor of searching through the personal files, and finding out more about these 'who are they's' because, lets face it, Me and Orbit and Polar are the only recognizable names in this fucking match.
Cathy Fitch is a terrible human being in every sense of the word. If Kari was anything like this crazy bitch, I would have left her a long, long time ago and I wouldn't have the coolest fucking son on this earth. First and foremost, before everything else, before being a good competitor or wanting to win, Cathy wants to be a girlfriend. Not even like...someone's wife, but their girlfriend. And not only that, but she seems to be the type that can't make her own decisions about things. She can't seem to understand what this thing called wrestling is so she needs a guy to tell her what to do and say. That is so sad. That is so pathetic. This bitches finisher move is 'Girlfriend is Better'. Haha, I mean what?
She has to be someone who Seth hired one night when he was feeling particularly depressed and lonely. A person walks into his office who has tits, doesn't matter if it is a girl, doesn't matter if it is a fat man, Seth gets instantly hard. On this night, it was this bitch, Cathy Fitch. She walked in, and Seth still was confused on the sex in the first couple of minutes of their conversation....but that is irrelevant I suppose. He was sitting there, hitting the bottle really hard, thinking about what a disappointment he is to his parents, when she walks in, and before she can even ask he offers her a contract. No check to see if she could actually compete, just a "boobs" contract. How does that feel Cathy? To know, KNOW that you do not deserve to be here. Im going to show you how much you don't deserve to be here on Sunday lady. Avoid me if you can.
Jeff gives the camera a knowing look as he moves on.
Jeff Purse: Snake Venom? Is that what this guys name is? Jeez. I mean come on. If you don't want to use your name as myself and Steve, you don't have to. But come up with something clever, eh? The Snake is better than what you got guy. Venom is more treacherous than what you got. Your name is basically a thing. Its only intimidating if you get bit by a poisonous snake. Its not even a big deal to anyone though. Its lame. With a name like that, one can only assume that you are equally as boring and lame as your name, and for that, I say fuck you. Come up with a good name so people take you fucking seriously. Jeff Purse, down to business, thats who I am, lets fight. Or Polar Phantasm. No, its THE Polar Phantasm. Your name is as jazzy and stupid as Famine of the Vile, and you don't know who that is because he had such a stupid name he is gone now.
I am a relatively small guy in the world of wrestling. I know that. I work with that. I use my speed and leverage to even out matches against people bigger than me, with a lot of success, I might add. I know for a FACT that I am not the strongest guy in the ring most of the time, but I have beaten people like Oblivion, Gravedigger, Abaddon, just big monster dudes who I have beaten because I know how to use my size to my advantage. Snake Venom? He is 5 feet 6 inches. Im sorry. There is no way I am just not going to step on you. There are guys like Corey Black who have proved themselves, but all you have done so far is proven that your size works against you, and I am not only going to out manuver your dumb ass in the ring, but I am going to squash you underneath my mother fucking boot. It will feel good for a change not to be the smallest guy in the ring.
Jeff rolls his eyes then jumps down from the ledge.
Jeff Purse: Bad News Benson. I mean, seriously Seth? Where the fuck did you find these motherfuckers? The circus? A cartoon writers room? Where did these jokers come from? Seriously? Why hasn't this guy been fired yet. He is one of the worst motherfuckers who ever graced the WCF ring, and he remains with a job, meanwhile, raYne is gone. Just kidding, that guy was terrible. What I am trying to say is that Bad News Benson needs to fucking get fired. He doesn't belong in a ring, he belongs behind a grill flipping some motherfucking burgers. Medium rare.
How terrible is it that you have based your gimmick off of another federation's shitty roster and from a guy who just got his fucking walking papers? Thats what needs to happen with Bad News Benson. Its almost insulting to put us in a match against these people. And Benson, you are the king of the fucking losers. At least Venom and Cathy haven't been here that long so they can get beat down and should use the proper sense to quite. You? You are just a glutton for shitty punishment. And I suppose on Sunday that is what you are going to get. You suck.
Suddenly, and without warning Polar comes flying from the sky into the foam pit. He a lot of the foam flies out. Jeff doesn't even look.
Jeff Purse: You ok there?
Polar Phantasm: Yeah...I'm...I'm just gonna lay here for a minute though.
Jeff Purse: Ok.
Jeff paces a bit before looking back at the camera. This next part is to the tune of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers.
Jeff Purse:
On a warm springs eve
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler
She thought that she could fight
So we took turns a-starin'
Each other up and down
She clearly knew I was better
And she began to speak
She said, "Jeff, I've made a life
Out of readin' people's faces
Knowin' what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes
So I thought I'd try a wrestling
I can see you are much better than I
For a taste of my whiskey
Can you give me some advice"
So I grabbed her bottle
And I threw it out the window
Im too good to drink that cheap shit
And she said she was sorry
And the night got deathly quiet
And her face lost all expression
She said, "Yes, I need to learn how to fight
Cause my name is Tiffany White
You've got to know when to pin'em
Know when to submit'em
Know when to disqualify
And know when to run
You never assume you win
Before the match is over
But when we face you three guys
You will beat us clean.
Jeff smiles to himself and chuckles a bit.
Jeff Purse: Its true. We are gonna win. Because thats what happens in WCF. Isn't that right Eddie? Hey, did you know that there is no death certificates for Sandy Hook. Spooky. I fucking hate people like you Eddie. These fear mongers who try to come up with any reason for anything except what happened. So let me guess how you will think this match is going to go on. The bell rings, and instantly we all take out those other three who mean absolutely nothing. I mean, they are garbage. That is fair. Then its us three vs you three. And we are going to stomp the shit out of you guys. We are going to pin you for the one two three and then move on and eventually win the tournament. Thats just how its going to go. However, you?
You are going to make up a lot of excuses. You are going to say that Seth set you guys up to lose, putting you three newbs against three old farts. You are going to say that there is a conspiracy going on to keep Eddie Felt down. But the real truth, what is really happening Eddie, is that you suck at this. Brother, you are going down, and you need to find some sort of excuse for why you can't keep up. You have to make excuses for why you haven't seen the success that your friend Ethan has. Its going to eat at you. Its going to bother you. Its going to fuck with you so much until you crack and ultimately fuck over your team. Sorry bro, but you don't have the skills, the history, or cohesiveness to beat us. But congrats, you managed to fight us to a draw last week. That is something.
Jeff leans on the container the foam is in.
Jeff Purse: Which leaves the only person I find to be an actual threat in this match. The only person who can almost put it down enough to win. The only person who I think has the charisma to edge out a victory. Not over us, but just in general. No, he is the only one I have any kind of hope for the future for. Ethan King. Ethan King knows what its about. He knows when you have to be on. He knows how to get on. He knows how to fight. He knows what to say to really get to the core of someone. He is the only person in these six who can do anything. Seriously, this guy has the potential to really go far in this business.
However, even with those kind words, there is no way Ethan is doing anything to help his team other than to help them even come close to a win. Welcome to the Future Ethan, you surely picked the right guy to emulate here in the company. Just saying. From LA, thats great, I am from Venice Beach. He is a quick paced, rough and tumble kind of guy who wants to do good and is a member of hastagteam handsome. Its hard to say anything negative about a strong up and comer. But this mother fucker has to pay his dues. And this is the toll. Losing to me and Steve and Polar? Yeah, thats just what he needs to help him remember where he came from and put him back in his place. I am going to show you what the real future looks like Ethan, and while your far off future is bright, your near future is very, very dim. Sorry brother. Ethan, welcome to The One, The Only...The Future.
Jeff smiles as Steve, who we thought was in the bathroom, comes falling from the tree like Polar did.
Steve Orbit: Fuck you honkey. I ain't doing it.
Jeff Purse: Its safe!
Steve Orbit: Fuck you!
Polar Phantasm: Um...I don't know if its safe.
Jeff Purse: IT IS!
The three of them had met up at Jeff's farm to do some teamwork exercises. Not that they needed it that much because, I mean lets face it, Panthbros through and through. But still. Thats what they were doing. Jeff had set up a series of activities for them to do, and they were still stuck on the first. They were on a three person tandem bicycle, Jeff was in front, Polar in the middle, and Steve on that back.
Steve Orbit: And why you gotta make a black man ride in the back.
Jeff Purse: What...I...
Smash cut, now Jeff was in front, Steve was in the middle, and Polar was in the back.
Steve Orbit: I still don't wanna do it.
Jeff Purse: Guys, its not like we are jumping blind. We are jumping into the foam pit. I promise you its safe, and its a lot of fun.
Polar Phantasm: Ok. Ok I think I ready to do this.
Jeff Purse: WHOOOOO HERE WE GO!
Jeff and Polar start peddling, Steve doesn't. But, sorry Orbit, doesn't matter, the bike begins to move.
Jeff Purse: We aren't going to make it up the ramp and then you will get hurt if you don't pedal Steve!
Steve Orbit: I HATE YOU WHITE FUCKERS!
Steve begins to peddle and the bicycle fucking flies.
Jeff Purse: Uh..maybe...uh
Steve Orbit: What?
Polar Phantasm: FULL STEAM AHEAD!!
Polar begins peddling extra hard as they hit the ramp. They fly clean over the foam pit and land on the other side, perfectly, each of them jumping off the bike though and grabbing their crotch.
Steve Orbit: How the fuck do you do that Purse?
Polar Phantasm: Yeah...Im glad I have a son, because I can't now.
Jeff Purse: Its something you never get used to. When you make a hard landing like that-
Steve Orbit: I thought we were supposed to land in the foam pit!
Jeff Purse: Yeah...but I didn't account for the fact that all three of us would be really making this fucking bike move.
Polar Phantasm: It was fun though.
Jeff Purse: Right?
Steve Orbit: NO! I don't understand how the biggest wuss in the WCF does this shit!
Jeff Purse: I am not a wuss, I have phobias. That is different from being a wuss. Plus, you have a lot of irrational fears too.
Steve Orbit: No I don't. I have common sense homie.
Jeff Purse: Ok, next winter lets go ice fishing.
Steve Orbit: Hell nah. You ain't gonna catch a black man on ice, hell no. Do not mix.
Polar Phantasm: Guys.
Jeff Purse: Thats ridiculous the ice is safe.
Steve Orbit: That is what you said about this but now my nuts are numb.
Polar Phantasm: Guys.
Jeff Purse: The feeling will come back. Plus I had a kid after my BMX career you will be fine.
Steve Orbit: I am sporting way more than you down there man. There is more goods to damage.
Jeff Purse: Oh please.
Polar Phantasm: GUYS!!!!
Jeff and Steve stop and look at Polar who is staring at a very large tree standing somewhat over the foam pit.
Polar Phantasm: Lets climb it. We can climb it and jump into the foam pit.
Jeff and Steve: No.
Polar Phantasm: What? Thats a way better idea than this bike idea.
Jeff and Steve: No.
Polar Phantasm: You both are bitches.
Polar runs off and begins to climb the tree. Steve and Jeff shake their head, you wouldn't catch them up there.
Steve Orbit: Can I use your bathroom, I need to make sure my guys are fine.
Jeff Purse: Yeah, but be quiet, Kari just put Patrick down and she is still mad at me.
Steve Orbit: Thats why you won't ever domesticate me man. This dog don't have no master.
Jeff Purse: Yeah. I like being in a committed relationship.
Steve Orbit: You and all the other ladies out there.
Steve gives him a friendly whack on the shoulder and begins the long walk back to the house. He is limping, clearly, his junk hurts. Jeff turns to the camera. No time like the motherfucking present.
Jeff Purse: Trio's 2016. My glorious return to the tournament. Hey, remember when me and Corey and Fly were supposed to win the tournament and then something that I can't even explain happened and then we didn't win? Remember Polar being so god damn excited about eating pudding out of that cup? REMEMBER how Steve's team just couldn't hack it last year and got destroyed in the end by DRG? Yeah, I remember. I remember all of that. The trios and us three have quite a history. None of us have been the lucky ones to win this match. So what does it mean to me?
Trios is my...final task, if you will? I have said this before but I have done it all in the WCF. I have won the World title, I have won all the secondary belts, the Hardcore, the TV, the US, the Tag. I have won War, a task that not many before me have won, and I have risen above most of my opposition. Where is Jonny Fly? Where is Sarah Twilight? Where is Nathan von Liebert? Where is Eric Price? GONE! Do you know who is still around? Me. Thats right. Every major opponent I have ever gone against...even down to the fucking loser Jack Happy...they are all gone. None of them could hang as long as I have.
I came to this federation with Nathan and NightRider. NightRider made his glorious return but he had been gone for so long. Nathan fucking STABBED me at One, and I still managed to get the best of him. And now, now that I am supposed to soon go up against the best that WCF has ever had, Torture, where is he? Fucking gone. So explain to me how I don't deserve this fucking accolade? Explain to me why this isn't something that I have coming for me. I have fucking lasted and beat out the test of mother fucking time. Anyone who continues to say that Jeff Purse wasn't the Future of this company is a dead fucking wrong. I came in saying that and that is exactly what happened.
Jeff climbs up on the foam pit and sits on the ledge, as he continues.
Jeff Purse: Steve Orbit. My partner. Brother to Jonny Fly. I was weary of Orbit at first, I have to say. Oh, I have worked with him many times in the past. Pantheon and Crygenix. But being so close to Fly, I wasn't sure where his allegiance was. I still think Fly is a rapscallion and who knows how Orbit feels about me coming into this. But Steve, for all that he just talked about his dick, is a stand up mother fucker. Steve Orbit has more class in his fucking pinky than most people have in their entire lifetime. Not only does he have class, but he has style, and he is a tough son of a bitch. So think about that. Steve Orbit, the classiest, toughest, most stylish guy to ever grace a WCF ring. Who better to team with me?
Polar Phantasm, literally the only guy better to team with me. Not that Polar is better than Steve, but my fucking brother. My long lost tag team partner. The man, the myth, the mother fucking legend. The Future Elements was at one point the best fucking tag team this fucking federation has ever seen. And Polar and I, we are some of the best friends this federation has ever seen. Polar didn't let people fuck with me, and when Nathan and Obi kidnapped Nightmare, I was right by Polar's side, and I won her back. We are always on point and in sync. It would take a set of conjoined twins to beat me and Polar. Send in Orbit in there, and you have a fucking unstoppable war machine.
Jeff leans back on the ledge, making sure not to fall in.
Jeff Purse: Its almost laughable that Seth put us in this fucking huge trio royal. First and foremost...Cathy Fitch. Who the fuck even is that person? I know a lot of you don't know. So I did you all the favor of searching through the personal files, and finding out more about these 'who are they's' because, lets face it, Me and Orbit and Polar are the only recognizable names in this fucking match.
Cathy Fitch is a terrible human being in every sense of the word. If Kari was anything like this crazy bitch, I would have left her a long, long time ago and I wouldn't have the coolest fucking son on this earth. First and foremost, before everything else, before being a good competitor or wanting to win, Cathy wants to be a girlfriend. Not even like...someone's wife, but their girlfriend. And not only that, but she seems to be the type that can't make her own decisions about things. She can't seem to understand what this thing called wrestling is so she needs a guy to tell her what to do and say. That is so sad. That is so pathetic. This bitches finisher move is 'Girlfriend is Better'. Haha, I mean what?
She has to be someone who Seth hired one night when he was feeling particularly depressed and lonely. A person walks into his office who has tits, doesn't matter if it is a girl, doesn't matter if it is a fat man, Seth gets instantly hard. On this night, it was this bitch, Cathy Fitch. She walked in, and Seth still was confused on the sex in the first couple of minutes of their conversation....but that is irrelevant I suppose. He was sitting there, hitting the bottle really hard, thinking about what a disappointment he is to his parents, when she walks in, and before she can even ask he offers her a contract. No check to see if she could actually compete, just a "boobs" contract. How does that feel Cathy? To know, KNOW that you do not deserve to be here. Im going to show you how much you don't deserve to be here on Sunday lady. Avoid me if you can.
Jeff gives the camera a knowing look as he moves on.
Jeff Purse: Snake Venom? Is that what this guys name is? Jeez. I mean come on. If you don't want to use your name as myself and Steve, you don't have to. But come up with something clever, eh? The Snake is better than what you got guy. Venom is more treacherous than what you got. Your name is basically a thing. Its only intimidating if you get bit by a poisonous snake. Its not even a big deal to anyone though. Its lame. With a name like that, one can only assume that you are equally as boring and lame as your name, and for that, I say fuck you. Come up with a good name so people take you fucking seriously. Jeff Purse, down to business, thats who I am, lets fight. Or Polar Phantasm. No, its THE Polar Phantasm. Your name is as jazzy and stupid as Famine of the Vile, and you don't know who that is because he had such a stupid name he is gone now.
I am a relatively small guy in the world of wrestling. I know that. I work with that. I use my speed and leverage to even out matches against people bigger than me, with a lot of success, I might add. I know for a FACT that I am not the strongest guy in the ring most of the time, but I have beaten people like Oblivion, Gravedigger, Abaddon, just big monster dudes who I have beaten because I know how to use my size to my advantage. Snake Venom? He is 5 feet 6 inches. Im sorry. There is no way I am just not going to step on you. There are guys like Corey Black who have proved themselves, but all you have done so far is proven that your size works against you, and I am not only going to out manuver your dumb ass in the ring, but I am going to squash you underneath my mother fucking boot. It will feel good for a change not to be the smallest guy in the ring.
Jeff rolls his eyes then jumps down from the ledge.
Jeff Purse: Bad News Benson. I mean, seriously Seth? Where the fuck did you find these motherfuckers? The circus? A cartoon writers room? Where did these jokers come from? Seriously? Why hasn't this guy been fired yet. He is one of the worst motherfuckers who ever graced the WCF ring, and he remains with a job, meanwhile, raYne is gone. Just kidding, that guy was terrible. What I am trying to say is that Bad News Benson needs to fucking get fired. He doesn't belong in a ring, he belongs behind a grill flipping some motherfucking burgers. Medium rare.
How terrible is it that you have based your gimmick off of another federation's shitty roster and from a guy who just got his fucking walking papers? Thats what needs to happen with Bad News Benson. Its almost insulting to put us in a match against these people. And Benson, you are the king of the fucking losers. At least Venom and Cathy haven't been here that long so they can get beat down and should use the proper sense to quite. You? You are just a glutton for shitty punishment. And I suppose on Sunday that is what you are going to get. You suck.
Suddenly, and without warning Polar comes flying from the sky into the foam pit. He a lot of the foam flies out. Jeff doesn't even look.
Jeff Purse: You ok there?
Polar Phantasm: Yeah...I'm...I'm just gonna lay here for a minute though.
Jeff Purse: Ok.
Jeff paces a bit before looking back at the camera. This next part is to the tune of 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers.
Jeff Purse:
On a warm springs eve
On a train bound for nowhere
I met up with the gambler
She thought that she could fight
So we took turns a-starin'
Each other up and down
She clearly knew I was better
And she began to speak
She said, "Jeff, I've made a life
Out of readin' people's faces
Knowin' what the cards were
By the way they held their eyes
So I thought I'd try a wrestling
I can see you are much better than I
For a taste of my whiskey
Can you give me some advice"
So I grabbed her bottle
And I threw it out the window
Im too good to drink that cheap shit
And she said she was sorry
And the night got deathly quiet
And her face lost all expression
She said, "Yes, I need to learn how to fight
Cause my name is Tiffany White
You've got to know when to pin'em
Know when to submit'em
Know when to disqualify
And know when to run
You never assume you win
Before the match is over
But when we face you three guys
You will beat us clean.
Jeff smiles to himself and chuckles a bit.
Jeff Purse: Its true. We are gonna win. Because thats what happens in WCF. Isn't that right Eddie? Hey, did you know that there is no death certificates for Sandy Hook. Spooky. I fucking hate people like you Eddie. These fear mongers who try to come up with any reason for anything except what happened. So let me guess how you will think this match is going to go on. The bell rings, and instantly we all take out those other three who mean absolutely nothing. I mean, they are garbage. That is fair. Then its us three vs you three. And we are going to stomp the shit out of you guys. We are going to pin you for the one two three and then move on and eventually win the tournament. Thats just how its going to go. However, you?
You are going to make up a lot of excuses. You are going to say that Seth set you guys up to lose, putting you three newbs against three old farts. You are going to say that there is a conspiracy going on to keep Eddie Felt down. But the real truth, what is really happening Eddie, is that you suck at this. Brother, you are going down, and you need to find some sort of excuse for why you can't keep up. You have to make excuses for why you haven't seen the success that your friend Ethan has. Its going to eat at you. Its going to bother you. Its going to fuck with you so much until you crack and ultimately fuck over your team. Sorry bro, but you don't have the skills, the history, or cohesiveness to beat us. But congrats, you managed to fight us to a draw last week. That is something.
Jeff leans on the container the foam is in.
Jeff Purse: Which leaves the only person I find to be an actual threat in this match. The only person who can almost put it down enough to win. The only person who I think has the charisma to edge out a victory. Not over us, but just in general. No, he is the only one I have any kind of hope for the future for. Ethan King. Ethan King knows what its about. He knows when you have to be on. He knows how to get on. He knows how to fight. He knows what to say to really get to the core of someone. He is the only person in these six who can do anything. Seriously, this guy has the potential to really go far in this business.
However, even with those kind words, there is no way Ethan is doing anything to help his team other than to help them even come close to a win. Welcome to the Future Ethan, you surely picked the right guy to emulate here in the company. Just saying. From LA, thats great, I am from Venice Beach. He is a quick paced, rough and tumble kind of guy who wants to do good and is a member of hastagteam handsome. Its hard to say anything negative about a strong up and comer. But this mother fucker has to pay his dues. And this is the toll. Losing to me and Steve and Polar? Yeah, thats just what he needs to help him remember where he came from and put him back in his place. I am going to show you what the real future looks like Ethan, and while your far off future is bright, your near future is very, very dim. Sorry brother. Ethan, welcome to The One, The Only...The Future.
Jeff smiles as Steve, who we thought was in the bathroom, comes falling from the tree like Polar did.
