The book of Neforian chapter one feedback

[Henry Spearman]

Hey guys. Been a LONNNNNGGGGG time since i role played. Any tips on my first role play would be appreciated. Tried to focus mostly on building and introducing a backstory for the character. I think the promo itself was good but probably took a hit because i was trying more to paint a picture of who Neforian is. Let me know what you thought

[Bonnie Blue]

I thought it was good, but a little bit short.

The setup was solid, I felt empathy for the character, and you expressed his attitude clearly and succinctly. You might elaborate on the shoot a little more, but I know that's hard to do with a new character.

All in all, a nice start, and I'm curious to see where you take this.

[Henry Spearman]

Yea, i have never really been one to write really long roleplays. Mainly becaus ei hate reading really long roleplays haha. Its something i will definitely try to work on but i feel like my quality tends to drop a bit if i write longer just for the sake of quantity

[Stuart Slane]

I read your promo earlier in the week and enjoyed it. The set up with Henry (Neforian?) as an office drone is interesting. I'm wondering if there's going to be a "Wanted" or "Fight Club" vibe to your story, where the character has this secret alternate and more violent life as a wrestler.

You probably should have mentioned wrestling in your promo in some capacity. There's nothing about the match or why you're going to win it. Maybe that's intentional, I don't know, especially since going by what you've written so far Neforian could be seen as detached from reality. Maybe he doesn't even know he's a wrestler ha ha! At any rate the more successful role plays are the ones that combine good "stories" with match relevance. You'll do better if you mention the stakes involved in the fight and spend more time showing you know your opponent.

Hope that helps. Best of luck going forward.