Post by Joey Flash on May 1, 2016 14:57:19 GMT -5
One Act Play
Joey: FUCK THESE FUCKING STUPID MOPEDS!
Joey Flash threw that ‘putt-putt-putting’ piece of shit to the floor and delivered a Vinatieri-esque smackaroo right to the side, flesh and bone cracking into solid steel is never a good mix. Flash let a little yelp as he hopped around erratically like a Gemini Battle story-arc. Two whirling putt-putt machines of death slowed to a halt alongside him as Jared Holmes let out guttural scream of *insert whatever emotion this drug addled bastard is experiencing right now*as he staggered from his Shark themed moped looking like the very personification of deceit, lies and motorcycle riding Joey Flash crushing terror.
Jared: Why we stopping bro?
Joey: Need to do a fucking promo.
Jared: I’ve already recorded my shit.
Andre Aquarius comes tearing into view and crashes his moped into Joey’s piece of shit. The lil nigga face plants into the dirt before getting to his feet and puffing his chest out.
Andre: Who tripped me bruh? Who want some?!
Joey: It was my moped.
Andre: I ain’t give a fuck.
Andre also punts Joey’s moped and instantly regrets it, also hopping around like an Asian vampire. Godfrey Ho reference game on point.
Andre: You shooting then or what?
Joey: I guess. I fucking hate this stupid match.
Andre: No shit, you’re waiting til like three hours until we have to submit this shit to be aired before starting this promo, this shit sloppier than an octogenarian beej.
Joey: Anyway. Here we go. Welcome back Thomas Uriel Bates.
*CLAPS AND APPLAUSE*
Joey: I wonder what the intention here was for you here? You wanted an amazing jaw dropping, shocking return, the moment where all wrestling fans will be able to remember where they were when they heard the news that Thomas Bates was going to be stepping into that ring and back into competition for the first time in half a year in order to defend the Trios Tournament win he got last year.
The band is all together again, the DRG returns to conquer all the mediocre uncoordinated, unprepared, hastily put together teams that the Trios tournament throws up. You are going to march through everyone and take your rightful place on top of the WCF mountain. It’s going to be YOU getting the pin this time, it’s going to be YOU standing tall and patting your team mates on the head giving them a ‘good job, sport’ as you stand proud and tall making sure the cameras all see your magnanimousness in victory. Maybe you’ll even pause for a handshake with the losing opponent, gee whiz what a swell guy Tommy is.
What your return is to everyone else: a cheap punch line to a terrible joke. This team was formed for one reason: to troll your fucking abysmal, soul sapping run you faggots put us through last summer. Maybe we’ll fuck around anyway and get Hunter Updegraff decapitated by a Mexican cartel, that sounds like fun. The Dark Riders Gang are here as a sideshow, you wanted to be the main sweeping emotional twisting and turning story with an amazing payoff but instead you’re that shitty start of game side-quest, well my dear, I accept your quest I’m heading down to your basement and I’m going to kill me three fucking rats right now.
The Dark Riders Gang era was the worst, most bland six month run in WCF history. For all your supposed dominance not a one of you managed to achieve any form of meaningful singles success: let me qualify what ‘meaningful’ means for me – not one of you became World Champion. It wasn’t for the want of trying, in fact you fuckers got more chances than the rest of the federation combined. First it was Gonzo getting flattened by Dune, then it was your turn Thomas, you took my opportunity right from under my feet so you better make use of it…nope you got fucking flattened as well. What happened when I faced the man neither of you two could beat? I made him tap in the middle of the ring and won the title that no one in DRG ever could. Fast forward and we have yet another of your former Defilers of Logic, side note: the only logic you have ever defiled is ‘Do not make ugly, untalented faggots World Title challengers’ you guys sure managed to spurn that old adage you rebels you. We have another one of you chumps going for the big belt, and whooowee, I’m taking bets for what happens in this story, does he win? Does he fuck.
I could win this match by myself. Joey Flash against any trio in the history of this company and I still wipe the floor with every last one of them. It’s funny isn’t it? This used to be a joke to some of you people. Oh ho ho, Joey Flash here he goes again claiming he’s unstoppable – but it’s not looking so funny now is it? This tournament is not a challenge for me, not a single opponent I could face in this tournament will be a challenge. This is transcendence to a degree that only Grayson Pierce is able to comprehend. We’re going to get to that; we’re going to get to it all.
My mind has already checked out of this tournament, I’m past this bye of a first round, I’m past the bye of the second round: go ahead, feed Polar, Orbit and Purse to me next. It doesn’t even make a difference. The only match that means a shit to me this month is in Minnesota in twelve days’ time. You guys are in for a fucking wakeup call this week, Bates, your ridiculous overestimation of your own abilities is going to be the annihilation of whatever bullshit legacy you have left.
It didn’t matter who I was facing this week, the outcome was always going to be a walkover. It’s funny we now get to walk over the second best team in tournament. I shot Seth a message asking him who I was facing; he sent me the snake emoji and the shit emoji: Bates and Pierce. Again. I’m sick of this shit. Jared, sorry.
Holmes took a break from staring at the sky and dribbling saliva from his gaping maw as he is brought back into the land of the living at the mention of his name?
Jared: Uh…what?
Joey: I’m putting the World Title on the line.
Jared laughed.
Jared: Good joke bruh, now, let me-
Joey: It’s not a joke. I’m bored.
Jared’s face melted from euphoria to rage in a cascade of emotion.
Jared: You’re fucking joking I hope.
Joey: Nope. Already sent the message to fuckin Lerch. If we lose at any point in this tournament, the person who gets the pin wins! Fun right?
Jared: FUN? I’ve spent the last three months fighting in order to fight one person. You. Then you do this? What if I have to face like, Thomas Bates for the fuckin’ title?
Joey shrugs then shoots a wry grin at Jared.
Joey: It’s interesting though, right?
Jared: Whatever. It’s not like I intended to lose anyway.
Joey: Good. That said, this match is going to be won with three sentences:
Grayson Pierce, you fucking suck.
Mikey eXtreme, you fucking suck.
Thomas Bates, you are the most overrated worthless piece of shit I’ve ever seen come through the doors in this federation, you fat faggot this is for all the times you got an undeserved push because of Seth’s Vinnie Mac complex ‘He’s a massive fucking queer, and you can’t teach that!’, this is for every time you managed to scrape a bullshit win over me, no more am I going to be 0-2 against Thomas fucking Bates, this is for every time you crawled away like a slug after Howard Black went upside your head and beat the piss out of you, this is for every time we had to sit through segment after segment of dross, this is for the superiority complex and self-entitlement that run through your head, this is for thinking for one second you can come back into Joey Flashes WCF and be successful once more, die slow.
Out of nowhere the Mexican cartel show up and get into a fight with Joey, Jared and Andre who then proceed to beat the tequila out of these Danny Trejo looking motherfuckers. Andre Aquarius punches a fucking cactus and celebrates over the fallen cartel members.
Andre: I’M THE REY DE MEXICO NIGGUH, THIS IS AN OPEN CHALLENGE, DEFEND YOUR TITLE THIS YEAR! WHERE BETTY AT?! BRING IT BITCH!!!!
Joey: FUCK THESE FUCKING STUPID MOPEDS!
Joey Flash threw that ‘putt-putt-putting’ piece of shit to the floor and delivered a Vinatieri-esque smackaroo right to the side, flesh and bone cracking into solid steel is never a good mix. Flash let a little yelp as he hopped around erratically like a Gemini Battle story-arc. Two whirling putt-putt machines of death slowed to a halt alongside him as Jared Holmes let out guttural scream of *insert whatever emotion this drug addled bastard is experiencing right now*as he staggered from his Shark themed moped looking like the very personification of deceit, lies and motorcycle riding Joey Flash crushing terror.
Jared: Why we stopping bro?
Joey: Need to do a fucking promo.
Jared: I’ve already recorded my shit.
Andre Aquarius comes tearing into view and crashes his moped into Joey’s piece of shit. The lil nigga face plants into the dirt before getting to his feet and puffing his chest out.
Andre: Who tripped me bruh? Who want some?!
Joey: It was my moped.
Andre: I ain’t give a fuck.
Andre also punts Joey’s moped and instantly regrets it, also hopping around like an Asian vampire. Godfrey Ho reference game on point.
Andre: You shooting then or what?
Joey: I guess. I fucking hate this stupid match.
Andre: No shit, you’re waiting til like three hours until we have to submit this shit to be aired before starting this promo, this shit sloppier than an octogenarian beej.
Joey: Anyway. Here we go. Welcome back Thomas Uriel Bates.
*CLAPS AND APPLAUSE*
Joey: I wonder what the intention here was for you here? You wanted an amazing jaw dropping, shocking return, the moment where all wrestling fans will be able to remember where they were when they heard the news that Thomas Bates was going to be stepping into that ring and back into competition for the first time in half a year in order to defend the Trios Tournament win he got last year.
The band is all together again, the DRG returns to conquer all the mediocre uncoordinated, unprepared, hastily put together teams that the Trios tournament throws up. You are going to march through everyone and take your rightful place on top of the WCF mountain. It’s going to be YOU getting the pin this time, it’s going to be YOU standing tall and patting your team mates on the head giving them a ‘good job, sport’ as you stand proud and tall making sure the cameras all see your magnanimousness in victory. Maybe you’ll even pause for a handshake with the losing opponent, gee whiz what a swell guy Tommy is.
What your return is to everyone else: a cheap punch line to a terrible joke. This team was formed for one reason: to troll your fucking abysmal, soul sapping run you faggots put us through last summer. Maybe we’ll fuck around anyway and get Hunter Updegraff decapitated by a Mexican cartel, that sounds like fun. The Dark Riders Gang are here as a sideshow, you wanted to be the main sweeping emotional twisting and turning story with an amazing payoff but instead you’re that shitty start of game side-quest, well my dear, I accept your quest I’m heading down to your basement and I’m going to kill me three fucking rats right now.
The Dark Riders Gang era was the worst, most bland six month run in WCF history. For all your supposed dominance not a one of you managed to achieve any form of meaningful singles success: let me qualify what ‘meaningful’ means for me – not one of you became World Champion. It wasn’t for the want of trying, in fact you fuckers got more chances than the rest of the federation combined. First it was Gonzo getting flattened by Dune, then it was your turn Thomas, you took my opportunity right from under my feet so you better make use of it…nope you got fucking flattened as well. What happened when I faced the man neither of you two could beat? I made him tap in the middle of the ring and won the title that no one in DRG ever could. Fast forward and we have yet another of your former Defilers of Logic, side note: the only logic you have ever defiled is ‘Do not make ugly, untalented faggots World Title challengers’ you guys sure managed to spurn that old adage you rebels you. We have another one of you chumps going for the big belt, and whooowee, I’m taking bets for what happens in this story, does he win? Does he fuck.
I could win this match by myself. Joey Flash against any trio in the history of this company and I still wipe the floor with every last one of them. It’s funny isn’t it? This used to be a joke to some of you people. Oh ho ho, Joey Flash here he goes again claiming he’s unstoppable – but it’s not looking so funny now is it? This tournament is not a challenge for me, not a single opponent I could face in this tournament will be a challenge. This is transcendence to a degree that only Grayson Pierce is able to comprehend. We’re going to get to that; we’re going to get to it all.
My mind has already checked out of this tournament, I’m past this bye of a first round, I’m past the bye of the second round: go ahead, feed Polar, Orbit and Purse to me next. It doesn’t even make a difference. The only match that means a shit to me this month is in Minnesota in twelve days’ time. You guys are in for a fucking wakeup call this week, Bates, your ridiculous overestimation of your own abilities is going to be the annihilation of whatever bullshit legacy you have left.
It didn’t matter who I was facing this week, the outcome was always going to be a walkover. It’s funny we now get to walk over the second best team in tournament. I shot Seth a message asking him who I was facing; he sent me the snake emoji and the shit emoji: Bates and Pierce. Again. I’m sick of this shit. Jared, sorry.
Holmes took a break from staring at the sky and dribbling saliva from his gaping maw as he is brought back into the land of the living at the mention of his name?
Jared: Uh…what?
Joey: I’m putting the World Title on the line.
Jared laughed.
Jared: Good joke bruh, now, let me-
Joey: It’s not a joke. I’m bored.
Jared’s face melted from euphoria to rage in a cascade of emotion.
Jared: You’re fucking joking I hope.
Joey: Nope. Already sent the message to fuckin Lerch. If we lose at any point in this tournament, the person who gets the pin wins! Fun right?
Jared: FUN? I’ve spent the last three months fighting in order to fight one person. You. Then you do this? What if I have to face like, Thomas Bates for the fuckin’ title?
Joey shrugs then shoots a wry grin at Jared.
Joey: It’s interesting though, right?
Jared: Whatever. It’s not like I intended to lose anyway.
Joey: Good. That said, this match is going to be won with three sentences:
Grayson Pierce, you fucking suck.
Mikey eXtreme, you fucking suck.
Thomas Bates, you are the most overrated worthless piece of shit I’ve ever seen come through the doors in this federation, you fat faggot this is for all the times you got an undeserved push because of Seth’s Vinnie Mac complex ‘He’s a massive fucking queer, and you can’t teach that!’, this is for every time you managed to scrape a bullshit win over me, no more am I going to be 0-2 against Thomas fucking Bates, this is for every time you crawled away like a slug after Howard Black went upside your head and beat the piss out of you, this is for every time we had to sit through segment after segment of dross, this is for the superiority complex and self-entitlement that run through your head, this is for thinking for one second you can come back into Joey Flashes WCF and be successful once more, die slow.
Out of nowhere the Mexican cartel show up and get into a fight with Joey, Jared and Andre who then proceed to beat the tequila out of these Danny Trejo looking motherfuckers. Andre Aquarius punches a fucking cactus and celebrates over the fallen cartel members.
Andre: I’M THE REY DE MEXICO NIGGUH, THIS IS AN OPEN CHALLENGE, DEFEND YOUR TITLE THIS YEAR! WHERE BETTY AT?! BRING IT BITCH!!!!
