Pimpin' in the USA
Apr 24, 2016 14:23:45 GMT -5
The Polar Phantasm, Stuart Slane, and 2 more like this
Post by Steve Orbit on Apr 24, 2016 14:23:45 GMT -5
Fade in to Steve Orbit's hotel suite in Montreal. Orbit is resting in a silk-uphostered couch, wearing a fluffy pink bathrobe with a black wave cap on his head. He's got his laptop open and he's watching porn with a notebook open, taking notes.
Steve Orbit: Hmm. Yeah, that's good. Good angle.
A chiming noise is heard and Orbit recieves a call on Skype. He taps the laptop screen and Jonny Fly's face appears in a window.
Steve Orbit: Sup bro?
Fly is clearly upset with a frown on his face.
Steve Orbit: You good? What's going on?
Jonny Fly: Sooooooo... I was just getting caught up on some WCF stuff. Trios time, huh?
Orbit nods.
Steve Orbit: ... Yeah, sure is. Still a little bit hot about the way things went down last year, but it's whatever. That damn Corey Black--
Orbit catches himself and stops speaking. Fly's nostrils flare.
Jonny Fly: Fuck Corey Black.
Steve Orbit: Yeah-- yeah, fuck that nigga.
Jonny Fly: I see the Phantasm is back. And Purse, too. It's like the fucking band is back together, huh?
Orbit pauses... and then laughs.
Steve Orbit: Shit, you jealous, Fly?
Jonny Fly: No!
Steve Orbit: Yeah, you fuckin' jealous. I know you-- it's killin' you to be out for Trios this year. God damn, I didn't even think about that 'til right now. You must be dyin'.
Orbit is smiling and laughing. Fly isn't.
Jonny Fly: It's bullshit! And you... teaming with fuckin' PURSE? Aren't you supposed to have my back? Aren't we fucking brothers? Blood is thicker than water?
Orbit sighs.
Steve Orbit: So what I'm 'posed to do, Fly. Huh? Sit out this year in protest of my brother, who was forced to retire because he lost a match that HE wanted?
Jonny Fly: That's exactly what you should do! Do THAT.
Steve Orbit: Man, you know I can't--
Jonny Fly: Why not? Hell, the least you could do is NOT team with somebody who hates your own brother. Out of everybody in WCF, you team with Purse? And Phantasm? You fucking turned on Pantheon!
Steve Orbit: Yeah, but... it's a Cryogenix thing, man, you wouldn't understand.
Jonny Fly: Cryo-- here we go, playing the Cryogenix card. Mother fucker, I can't believe this shit.
Orbit tries to hold in his laughter at his brother's expense.
Jonny Fly: Yeah, laugh it up. I hope you get fuckin' crushed in the quarter finals.
Orbit's face quickly turns serious.
Steve Orbit: Hey, don't play like that.
Jonny Fly: I'm not playing!
Steve Orbit: You know what-- I got a United States title shot this week, Trios tournament comin' up, and you killin' my vibe right now. I can't take this mother fuckin' negativity in my life right now, Fly. I gotta X you out, bro. Call me when you thinkin' straight.
Fly is fuming.
Jonny Fly: Don't do it! Don't you fuckin' do it! STEVE--
Orbit clicks the X on the window, ending the call. He opens another window, and the porn resumes.
Steve Orbit: My own brother hatin' on me. Damn.
Orbit chuckles and shakes his head. Fade out.
==
Scene opens at a college in Montreal. Inside, we find ourselves in lecture hall. There are roughly a hundred students filling the seats, and a professor stands in the podium at the front of the hall.
Professor: Greetings class. As promised, today we have a special guest here today to talk to you aboot American economics. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for WCF wrestling superstar, the one, the only-- Steve Orbit!
"I CANT STOP OP OP OP OP OP OP..."
"Who Gon Stop Me" hits and Orbit walks onto the stage, fully pimped out to the one millionth degree. He stops in front of the podium. Orbit pulls a pad of paper out of his suit, apparently containing notes for his speech.
Steve Orbit: Good afternoon, class.
Class: Good afternoon, Mister Orbit.
Orbit looks confused. He pauses for a moment.
Steve Orbit: ... Aight, where's the class clown. Let's get it out the way now. You make some wisecrack about my suit, I call you a needle-dick loser, and we move on. Let's go.
Orbit pauses. Then he shrugs.
Steve Orbit: Y'all damn Canadians are too polite. "Mister Orbit". Huh.
Orbit flips through his notepad. He rips out the first page.
Steve Orbit: Nah, that's no good.
He keeps flipping through the book, ripping out pages, and eventually just throws the entire book over his shoulder. He takes the mic off the podium stand and begins to walk around the stage.
Steve Orbit: This university has paid me... a LOT of money to come out here and tell you about how with hard work and your fancy college education, you 'gon get a great job, find the girl of your dreams, retire when you 40 years old and then live happily ever after. But you know what, that ain't how it works out here in Canada, and it DAMN sure ain't how it works in the UNITED STATES. And that's what we here to talk about. The economy of the United States.
Orbit clears his throats.
Steve Orbit: The United States economy is based on two principles. Two factors that make the entire system run. You got your pimps... and you got your hoes. Or as the GREAT Kanye West put it-- you got your DICKS, and your SWALLOWERS.
Boos at Kanye's name... except for two kids in the front row who cheer.
Kid in Front Row A: I FEEL LIKE PABLO
Kid in Front Row B: S C A R Y
Steve Orbit: The principle is based on... well, uh, wait. Let's do it like this. I'ma tell y'all the history of pimpin' in the United States. I think if y'all hear that, then you will be able to... you know, understand the economy. Know what I'm sayin'?
Crickets.
Steve Orbit: Aight, here we go. See, back in the slavery days, you had a whole lotta white people who wanted to fuck black pussy. They had their ugly ass white wife, barefoot in the kitchen who already had seven kids-- you know what that does to a woman's body, nah mean. Plus back in those days, a man and his wife were maybe second or third cousins. Still happens in the United States to this day, which is how you get retarded redneck fucks like Mikey eXtreme runnin' around. So these white men, these slave owners... got the ugly wife in the kitchen, and they got the fine, young black bitches with the nice hourglass figure, the big booty, soft lips, all that. They got them walkin' around the house all day too, so needless to say these rich mother fuckers developed a taste for the young bitches, and eventually the young bitches-- who had no education, no possessions, no NOTHING-- figured out that they could have a better life if they just give Massa a little taste once in a while.
Most of the kids are paying attention. The professor is holding his head in his hands, clearly regretting his decision to invite Steve Orbit.
Steve Orbit: So what happened was, after slavery was abolished by Martin Luther King in the 18-whatever, you had a whole lotta niggas and bitches runnin' around with no direction. Now, the black men realized that they was a lot stronger, and physically, you know, taller and better than the whiteboys. So they invented sports like basketball and football so they could get money and not have to work some bullshit farm job pickin' cotton. So that worked for a lot of black men. But the women was havin' a harder time, because there was this kind of role reversal type of reverse psychology thing that happened. See all those fat white bitches that the slave masters didn't want no more? Turns out that the black mother fuckers, they loved the fat white bitches. So they started takin' these fat bitches from the slave masters and leavin' 'em all alone, cryin', wah wah. This is where the black man got his great sexual reputation from, all the whiteboys cryin' in the bar talkin' about the niggas took our wives away.
A lot of the kids are nodding along. It all makes perfect sense.
Steve Orbit: BUT! This is where it gets interesting. The black mother fuckers were fuckin' with the fat white bitches-- so where does that leave the black bitches? They had nobody to help them. They had no money, no job, no education, and no man-- they STILL had no NOTHIN'. But what they did have-- and these bitches were smart as hell, don't get me wrong-- they realized they had a fat ass and some bomb pussy. So these bitches with nowhere else to go, they start fuckin' with these lonely whiteboys who just lost their wife. Essentially this is where hoin' started in the United States. You had bitches who needed a place to stay, needed food and needed new clothes and shoes and shit-- so they got it, by fuckin' with these whiteboys. Y'all followin' me?
Class: Yes, Mister Orbit.
Steve Orbit: Good. So shit was all good for a few years-- like, 30, 50 years or somethin' like that. And then we had the women's right movement and that fucked everything up. Fucked it up in a major way. What happened was, the white bitches wanted to go to work-- why, I don't know. The black bitches were tired of playin' around with these white boys and wanted to start earnin' their own shit. So the black and white bitches came together and marched on the White House. Yeah, they fucked everything up. Black men lost their fat bitches. White men lost their fat booty bitches. This is when homosexuality was invented because everybody lost their bitches, and not only that, the bitches were sticking together so they started falling in love. It was a really fucked up time in the United States. This was like 19... 10 or something like that, I don't remember exactly. Before we were born, though.
Orbit pauses, looking around at the students who are vigorously taking notes.
Steve Orbit: So this is when you started seeing women in the work place and whatever else. But in the poor communities, you still had a lot of uneducated and poor people. In these areas you had a lot of black mother fuckers sittin' around smokin' weed, tryin' to think of ways to get paid. Now, they couldn't get no regular job because America racist as fuck-- still mad that black mother fuckers was takin' they wives and shit back in the day, AND now they mad because the black bitches stopped fuckin' with 'em too. So a nigga had like three options-- play basketball, sell drugs, or pimp hoes. Most men with pride, they don't wanna work for some white mother fucker for fifty cents an hour. Might as well go back to slavery with that shit, so they turn to where they can make money-- the black market. Poor mother fuckers can have a sense of pride, own they own business, become they own success story on the black market. Hence the name, BLACK MARKET. So a lot of niggas sold drugs and became millionaires like Jay Z, Master P and other American icons. Other niggas was a little more crafty and started fuckin' with these bitches. Bitches who still remembered back when they could fuck their way to food, shelter and clothes. But the problem they had was, these women had no education and no idea what to do with money when they did earn it from doin' tricks. What happened was, some wise black men saw this happening and said, "bitch, if you give me your money, I know what to do with it. I can save it for you-- I know how to save and spend it properly, and I'll take care of your dumb ass. You can count on me." This is the exact same principle that the American government uses to tax the shit out of everybody.
The class laughs.
Steve Orbit: I told y'all I would be tying this shit together. So that was the beginning of the pimp game, and to this day, you got girls who just wanna ho and you got pimps who are there to guide them. It's hard for a square to understand, but as they say, a square could never understand a pyramid. You also have white pimps, or white collar pimps-- these guys run some of your strip clubs, massage parlors, escort services. The black man is more of a corner type of hustler in the projects, but some of us also advance to become white collar pimps. Take me for example, I ain't got no time to put bitches on the corner. I own a strip club and I have money invested in all types of businesses, but I am still a pimp thru and thru. That's what mother fuckers need to understand-- especially you, the up and coming generation. You need to understand the game and how it applies to the world.
Orbit pauses, pulls out a flask and takes a swig before putting it back.
Steve Orbit: The elite are pimpin' everybody. If you ain't a multi-millionare, you gettin' hoed out by these mother fuckers. Some call it Illuminati, New World Order, whatever-- put the conspiracy theories away, I'm here to tell you the truth. A pimp sells a dream to a ho. That's the pimp's job. True pimping does not rely on violence, but it relies on making the ho a hundred percent dependent and in love with her pimp so she does not WANT to leave. A true pimp never forces a woman to do nothing. True pimping is convincing a ho to CHOOSE to be with him and play her part in the game. This is a point that is often overlooked by the masses, but I'm here to drop this gem on you and bless you with game, because I am Steve Orbit the MOTHER fuckin' pimp.
Orbit is in the spirit now. He's movin' and shakin' across the stage.
Steve Orbit: The corporations... they pimpin' the shit outta everybody. They got four, five mother fuckers at the top in a board room somewhere makin' 90% of the money. They puttin' their cartoon character on the TV and makin' people believe that if they buy their products, their life will somehow be better, or easier. Then they got the 5000 minimum wage employees who they give health care and days off "out of the kindness of their hearts"-- HOES, all of 'em. This is the pimp game in full force, on display. And let's not even go there with the government-- AIGHT, let's go there. I already explained taxation to y'all. Give them your money, they know what to do with it better than you. PIMPIN'. Look at Donald Trump. The mother fucker ain't made a political move in his LIFE and he's got almost half the country waitin' to vote for him, and why? Because he's a slick talker. Because he's got that game, that pimp game-- listen to him talk! "You're gonna love me, everything will be great." The mother fucker is pimpin' 101. You think when Donald Trump gets elected, he's gonna do anything to help America? FUCK NO! He's gonna do everything he can to help the PIMPS take more money from the HOES, just like every America President going back to God damn Julius Ceaser. Hillary Clinton, same thing. She 'gon be the first Female Pimp in the White House with Bill as the Bottom Bitch. That's the country I live in, y'all. That's American Pie for real.
Orbit looks at his watch.
Steve Orbit: Aight, that's my time! Thanks y'all!
Big round of applause for Steve Orbit. Kids are standing and cheering. "Who Gon Stop Me" plays again and girls start stripping, guys start lighting blunts and 40s are being passed around. Orbit is about to leave, when a scrawny nerd college kid steps up to him with a Lion on his backpack.
Steve Orbit: What's up little man?
Kid: Hey... my name is Ethan. Ethan Queen.
Steve Orbit: How can I help you Queen?
Ethan Queen: I wanna be just like you, Steve.
Orbit looks him up and down. Pimp Slap.
Steve Orbit: Stay in school, punk!
Orbit leaves the lecture hall to a huge applause for the knowledge he has dropped. Fade out.
==
The following parody was produced and paid for by Steve Orbit, everybody is actors and CGI and whatever:
A GENERIC ROCK BEAT PLAYS - DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNNUNUNUNUNAHHHH DUN DUN DUN DUNUNUUNNAHHH
Voice: DO YOU LIKE MOTORCYCLES
BRUMMM BRUMMM A MOTORCYCLE REVS UP
Voice: DO YOU LIKE 'MURICA
A BALD EAGLE FLIES BY
Voice: DO YOU THINK YOUR COUSIN IS PRETTY HOT
MIKEY eXTREME KISSES A BLOW UP DOLL
DEW THE DEW... TO THE eXTREME!
MIKEY eXTREME SLAMS A MOUNTAIN DEW AND THEN HE RIDES HIS MOTORCYCLE INTO A GROUP OF MUSLIMS AND IT EXPLODES AND THE FOUNDING FATHERS CRY
DEW THE DEW... KEEPING MURICA MURICA
(also available in diet dew)
FADE OUT
==
Steve Orbit sits on his hotel balcony, smoking a Black & Mild.
You know, I learned somethin' last week. I'm always growin', even in my "old, washed up" phase of my career. I was so pumped about Phantasm comin' back, and chillin' out with Cornelius Casanova, and the prospect of our Trios team-- I overlooked what was right in front of me, and that was Ethan King. Tell you what though, I said it was Ethan's biggest match of his career, and he showed up for exactly that. He walked in with that fire in his eye, he threw everything he possibly could at me... and he stopped me from winning. He didn't BEAT me-- but he didn't lose to me, neither, and that's impressive as fuck for a rookie ass mother fucker like him. It is. I'll give him that, he's better than I thought. He's... good, even.
Thing is, not only are the stakes higher this week-- I am focused, man. I want this United States title and I want it for a number of reasons. One, it completes the coming home party for Steve Orbit. The United States title put my name on the map, and now it's time to do it again. It's time to carve out my spot in this company, again-- with the current roster, the current landscape, and I'ma use the United States title to do exactly that. Competition is what it is-- we got the best in the world in WCF, always have, always will. And I know what it takes to climb to the very top-- not only that, I know how to work the middle as well, and I'm cool with that. It served me well for a long time, and it's a spot I can see myself settling into again as United States champion.
A lot of you mother fuckers have no idea what it actually takes to become World champion-- winning the belt, that's the easy part. Anybody who HAS BEEN THERE, can tell you that. Anybody who hasn't, well, your opinion don't mean SHIT, and you can talk out the side of your mouth all you want, but nobody gonna respect the opinion of somebody who speakin' on somethin' that they never experienced. Take my two opponents this week, Mikey and Ethan-- they ain't never reached the levels I been to in this business. So whatever they say about me, it ain't nothin' but dick sizing. They'll discredit my accomplishments, but God damn, it's the same shit that they DREAM about doing. Don't let the match promo bullshit fool you. They know who Steve Orbit is and they know what I'm capable of. And I got some bad news-- I got my sights on that United States title, and I'm comin' to take it at Aftermath.
I'ma start with you, Ethan. Ain't much changed since last week. We took each other to the limit last week, and I respect that. You kept gettin' up. I put a lotta mother fuckers down with a lot less, so I gotta give it to you-- you got heart, kid. But heart can only get you so far. And this week it's a Triple Threat-- there ain't gonna be no countout, there ain't gonna be no DQ, but what there IS gon be is a new United States Champion. You don't have the experience to stop a vet like me, you don't have that awareness that comes from title match after title match, main event after main event week in and week out for years. That's one advantage I have over you AND Mikey. I'm seasoned, I'm ready. This match-- the biggest match of your life, this is another day at the office for me. I BEEN winnin' big matches like this, Ethan. But, look-- I said I respect you, and I mean it. I want you to take this experience-- take these LUMPS, and learn from it. Grow with it. You gettin' the chance to work with one of the best to ever do it. Everybody who step in the ring with me, they leave better off than when they stepped in-- especially in defeat. So let's finish what we started last week. Let's tear this shit down, again. And let's take the United States title belt away from this redneck peice of shit.
I'll even offer you this, Ethan, as a token of my respect. I'ma give you the first title shot, homie, after I win. I mean, chances are you 'gon be thoroughly embarassed, and I understand if you don't wanna go nowhere near me post-Aftermath. But if you want the shot, it's yours. My word.
But really, let's get down to business here and talk about the current United States champion. The Waylon Cash knock-off Mikey eXtreme. Bro, you're like a walking Mountain Dew commercial, I couldn't help but do that promo spot earlier. But just like I whooped on Waylon Cash-- the original redneck peice of shit-- every time I stepped in the ring with him, it's 'gon be the same with with Waylon Junior over here. Your United States title reign ends here, bruh. It's over.
And thank God, am I right? How many unoriginal mother fuckers are gonna try to "change America" with the United States title? Shits been done over and over again for years, man, real WCF fans know that. Real WCF fans are tired of that shit. Scoutmaster did it with his "Right America" shit, and it was all downhill from there-- so I'ma say this shit once and for all, for all you mother fuckers, so listen up.
Being United States champion does not make you the fuckin' President. You were not elected and nobody gives a fuck about your vision of America. What it means is, you won a fuckin' wrestling championship title, and you are the champion of the United States of America, which is a step down from the Champion of the World. You don't see the World Champion using their title as a platform to take over the World. It never happens! So what's with the US title? Why do these dumb fuckin' squares keep trying to push their political shit on everybody? We so TIRED of this shit! But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, y'all-- Super Pimp Nigga is here to save the day, and I'ma take that belt from Mikey eXtreme, shuttin' his ass up once and for all.
And this delusion mother fucker really needs somebody to shut his ass up. I mean, he's bumpin' his gums about some historic title reign-- you lost the belt to Vengeance a month ago! VENGEANCE! Vengeance, the dude who got passed around and whooped on like one of my WORST hoes back in my day, now he's beating Mikey eXtreme for the United States title. And sure, you won it back-- but what happened, bruh? Vengeance is an opening act. You can cry fluke all you want-- and you did win it back, so good on you-- but if VENGEANCE can luck into beating you for that belt, what the FUCK you think is gonna happen when one of the undisputed greatest of all time comes lookin' for it. I'ma knock you straight the fuck out, Mike. TO THE EXTREME.
I got another extreme idea for you, Mikey. YOUR United States title? I held that bitch longer than anybody else in the history of this company. 2013 United States champion of the year, matter of fact. You know what that makes it? MY United States title, no matter who is holdin' it. I'm the one who's name is in the record books, NOT you, NOT nobody. I like that. I like bein' the one, matter of fact I like it SO much that I'ma try to go on and be the one to beat my own God damn record. So you can talk about bein' the greatest US Champ of all time-- homie, I got the numbers to prove it, and the numbers don't lie.
Sunday, in Montreal, three of us 'gon step into the ring. Mikey eXtreme-- I'll admit, you done aight as Champion. You had a nice feud with a nobody who ain't around no more, you know what I'm sayin'-- nobody will remember that shit, but it was nice, it was aight. You dropped that shit to Vengeance-- hey, we all have bad nights, right? You picked yourself back up by your boot straps-- very aMerican of you, and you won it back. Great job, I'm very proud of you. Ethan King... we did our thing last week. I underestimated you, I was psyched about my Trios team, I maybe put a little too much thought into that instead of our match. I apologize for that, Ethan. This week I promise I'ma put 100% of my mental and physical resources into whoopin' your ass and into winning that United States title. This shit ain't goin' down no other way. Steve Orbit is leaving Montreal as the TWO TIME United States Champion.
Mikey, Ethan-- I'ma show y'all what a true Championship performance looks likes. It's about time this company had a real mother fucker representin' for it.
Orbit winks at the camera and we fade out.
Steve Orbit: Hmm. Yeah, that's good. Good angle.
A chiming noise is heard and Orbit recieves a call on Skype. He taps the laptop screen and Jonny Fly's face appears in a window.
Steve Orbit: Sup bro?
Fly is clearly upset with a frown on his face.
Steve Orbit: You good? What's going on?
Jonny Fly: Sooooooo... I was just getting caught up on some WCF stuff. Trios time, huh?
Orbit nods.
Steve Orbit: ... Yeah, sure is. Still a little bit hot about the way things went down last year, but it's whatever. That damn Corey Black--
Orbit catches himself and stops speaking. Fly's nostrils flare.
Jonny Fly: Fuck Corey Black.
Steve Orbit: Yeah-- yeah, fuck that nigga.
Jonny Fly: I see the Phantasm is back. And Purse, too. It's like the fucking band is back together, huh?
Orbit pauses... and then laughs.
Steve Orbit: Shit, you jealous, Fly?
Jonny Fly: No!
Steve Orbit: Yeah, you fuckin' jealous. I know you-- it's killin' you to be out for Trios this year. God damn, I didn't even think about that 'til right now. You must be dyin'.
Orbit is smiling and laughing. Fly isn't.
Jonny Fly: It's bullshit! And you... teaming with fuckin' PURSE? Aren't you supposed to have my back? Aren't we fucking brothers? Blood is thicker than water?
Orbit sighs.
Steve Orbit: So what I'm 'posed to do, Fly. Huh? Sit out this year in protest of my brother, who was forced to retire because he lost a match that HE wanted?
Jonny Fly: That's exactly what you should do! Do THAT.
Steve Orbit: Man, you know I can't--
Jonny Fly: Why not? Hell, the least you could do is NOT team with somebody who hates your own brother. Out of everybody in WCF, you team with Purse? And Phantasm? You fucking turned on Pantheon!
Steve Orbit: Yeah, but... it's a Cryogenix thing, man, you wouldn't understand.
Jonny Fly: Cryo-- here we go, playing the Cryogenix card. Mother fucker, I can't believe this shit.
Orbit tries to hold in his laughter at his brother's expense.
Jonny Fly: Yeah, laugh it up. I hope you get fuckin' crushed in the quarter finals.
Orbit's face quickly turns serious.
Steve Orbit: Hey, don't play like that.
Jonny Fly: I'm not playing!
Steve Orbit: You know what-- I got a United States title shot this week, Trios tournament comin' up, and you killin' my vibe right now. I can't take this mother fuckin' negativity in my life right now, Fly. I gotta X you out, bro. Call me when you thinkin' straight.
Fly is fuming.
Jonny Fly: Don't do it! Don't you fuckin' do it! STEVE--
Orbit clicks the X on the window, ending the call. He opens another window, and the porn resumes.
Steve Orbit: My own brother hatin' on me. Damn.
Orbit chuckles and shakes his head. Fade out.
==
Scene opens at a college in Montreal. Inside, we find ourselves in lecture hall. There are roughly a hundred students filling the seats, and a professor stands in the podium at the front of the hall.
Professor: Greetings class. As promised, today we have a special guest here today to talk to you aboot American economics. Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for WCF wrestling superstar, the one, the only-- Steve Orbit!
"I CANT STOP OP OP OP OP OP OP..."
"Who Gon Stop Me" hits and Orbit walks onto the stage, fully pimped out to the one millionth degree. He stops in front of the podium. Orbit pulls a pad of paper out of his suit, apparently containing notes for his speech.
Steve Orbit: Good afternoon, class.
Class: Good afternoon, Mister Orbit.
Orbit looks confused. He pauses for a moment.
Steve Orbit: ... Aight, where's the class clown. Let's get it out the way now. You make some wisecrack about my suit, I call you a needle-dick loser, and we move on. Let's go.
Orbit pauses. Then he shrugs.
Steve Orbit: Y'all damn Canadians are too polite. "Mister Orbit". Huh.
Orbit flips through his notepad. He rips out the first page.
Steve Orbit: Nah, that's no good.
He keeps flipping through the book, ripping out pages, and eventually just throws the entire book over his shoulder. He takes the mic off the podium stand and begins to walk around the stage.
Steve Orbit: This university has paid me... a LOT of money to come out here and tell you about how with hard work and your fancy college education, you 'gon get a great job, find the girl of your dreams, retire when you 40 years old and then live happily ever after. But you know what, that ain't how it works out here in Canada, and it DAMN sure ain't how it works in the UNITED STATES. And that's what we here to talk about. The economy of the United States.
Orbit clears his throats.
Steve Orbit: The United States economy is based on two principles. Two factors that make the entire system run. You got your pimps... and you got your hoes. Or as the GREAT Kanye West put it-- you got your DICKS, and your SWALLOWERS.
Boos at Kanye's name... except for two kids in the front row who cheer.
Kid in Front Row A: I FEEL LIKE PABLO
Kid in Front Row B: S C A R Y
Steve Orbit: The principle is based on... well, uh, wait. Let's do it like this. I'ma tell y'all the history of pimpin' in the United States. I think if y'all hear that, then you will be able to... you know, understand the economy. Know what I'm sayin'?
Crickets.
Steve Orbit: Aight, here we go. See, back in the slavery days, you had a whole lotta white people who wanted to fuck black pussy. They had their ugly ass white wife, barefoot in the kitchen who already had seven kids-- you know what that does to a woman's body, nah mean. Plus back in those days, a man and his wife were maybe second or third cousins. Still happens in the United States to this day, which is how you get retarded redneck fucks like Mikey eXtreme runnin' around. So these white men, these slave owners... got the ugly wife in the kitchen, and they got the fine, young black bitches with the nice hourglass figure, the big booty, soft lips, all that. They got them walkin' around the house all day too, so needless to say these rich mother fuckers developed a taste for the young bitches, and eventually the young bitches-- who had no education, no possessions, no NOTHING-- figured out that they could have a better life if they just give Massa a little taste once in a while.
Most of the kids are paying attention. The professor is holding his head in his hands, clearly regretting his decision to invite Steve Orbit.
Steve Orbit: So what happened was, after slavery was abolished by Martin Luther King in the 18-whatever, you had a whole lotta niggas and bitches runnin' around with no direction. Now, the black men realized that they was a lot stronger, and physically, you know, taller and better than the whiteboys. So they invented sports like basketball and football so they could get money and not have to work some bullshit farm job pickin' cotton. So that worked for a lot of black men. But the women was havin' a harder time, because there was this kind of role reversal type of reverse psychology thing that happened. See all those fat white bitches that the slave masters didn't want no more? Turns out that the black mother fuckers, they loved the fat white bitches. So they started takin' these fat bitches from the slave masters and leavin' 'em all alone, cryin', wah wah. This is where the black man got his great sexual reputation from, all the whiteboys cryin' in the bar talkin' about the niggas took our wives away.
A lot of the kids are nodding along. It all makes perfect sense.
Steve Orbit: BUT! This is where it gets interesting. The black mother fuckers were fuckin' with the fat white bitches-- so where does that leave the black bitches? They had nobody to help them. They had no money, no job, no education, and no man-- they STILL had no NOTHIN'. But what they did have-- and these bitches were smart as hell, don't get me wrong-- they realized they had a fat ass and some bomb pussy. So these bitches with nowhere else to go, they start fuckin' with these lonely whiteboys who just lost their wife. Essentially this is where hoin' started in the United States. You had bitches who needed a place to stay, needed food and needed new clothes and shoes and shit-- so they got it, by fuckin' with these whiteboys. Y'all followin' me?
Class: Yes, Mister Orbit.
Steve Orbit: Good. So shit was all good for a few years-- like, 30, 50 years or somethin' like that. And then we had the women's right movement and that fucked everything up. Fucked it up in a major way. What happened was, the white bitches wanted to go to work-- why, I don't know. The black bitches were tired of playin' around with these white boys and wanted to start earnin' their own shit. So the black and white bitches came together and marched on the White House. Yeah, they fucked everything up. Black men lost their fat bitches. White men lost their fat booty bitches. This is when homosexuality was invented because everybody lost their bitches, and not only that, the bitches were sticking together so they started falling in love. It was a really fucked up time in the United States. This was like 19... 10 or something like that, I don't remember exactly. Before we were born, though.
Orbit pauses, looking around at the students who are vigorously taking notes.
Steve Orbit: So this is when you started seeing women in the work place and whatever else. But in the poor communities, you still had a lot of uneducated and poor people. In these areas you had a lot of black mother fuckers sittin' around smokin' weed, tryin' to think of ways to get paid. Now, they couldn't get no regular job because America racist as fuck-- still mad that black mother fuckers was takin' they wives and shit back in the day, AND now they mad because the black bitches stopped fuckin' with 'em too. So a nigga had like three options-- play basketball, sell drugs, or pimp hoes. Most men with pride, they don't wanna work for some white mother fucker for fifty cents an hour. Might as well go back to slavery with that shit, so they turn to where they can make money-- the black market. Poor mother fuckers can have a sense of pride, own they own business, become they own success story on the black market. Hence the name, BLACK MARKET. So a lot of niggas sold drugs and became millionaires like Jay Z, Master P and other American icons. Other niggas was a little more crafty and started fuckin' with these bitches. Bitches who still remembered back when they could fuck their way to food, shelter and clothes. But the problem they had was, these women had no education and no idea what to do with money when they did earn it from doin' tricks. What happened was, some wise black men saw this happening and said, "bitch, if you give me your money, I know what to do with it. I can save it for you-- I know how to save and spend it properly, and I'll take care of your dumb ass. You can count on me." This is the exact same principle that the American government uses to tax the shit out of everybody.
The class laughs.
Steve Orbit: I told y'all I would be tying this shit together. So that was the beginning of the pimp game, and to this day, you got girls who just wanna ho and you got pimps who are there to guide them. It's hard for a square to understand, but as they say, a square could never understand a pyramid. You also have white pimps, or white collar pimps-- these guys run some of your strip clubs, massage parlors, escort services. The black man is more of a corner type of hustler in the projects, but some of us also advance to become white collar pimps. Take me for example, I ain't got no time to put bitches on the corner. I own a strip club and I have money invested in all types of businesses, but I am still a pimp thru and thru. That's what mother fuckers need to understand-- especially you, the up and coming generation. You need to understand the game and how it applies to the world.
Orbit pauses, pulls out a flask and takes a swig before putting it back.
Steve Orbit: The elite are pimpin' everybody. If you ain't a multi-millionare, you gettin' hoed out by these mother fuckers. Some call it Illuminati, New World Order, whatever-- put the conspiracy theories away, I'm here to tell you the truth. A pimp sells a dream to a ho. That's the pimp's job. True pimping does not rely on violence, but it relies on making the ho a hundred percent dependent and in love with her pimp so she does not WANT to leave. A true pimp never forces a woman to do nothing. True pimping is convincing a ho to CHOOSE to be with him and play her part in the game. This is a point that is often overlooked by the masses, but I'm here to drop this gem on you and bless you with game, because I am Steve Orbit the MOTHER fuckin' pimp.
Orbit is in the spirit now. He's movin' and shakin' across the stage.
Steve Orbit: The corporations... they pimpin' the shit outta everybody. They got four, five mother fuckers at the top in a board room somewhere makin' 90% of the money. They puttin' their cartoon character on the TV and makin' people believe that if they buy their products, their life will somehow be better, or easier. Then they got the 5000 minimum wage employees who they give health care and days off "out of the kindness of their hearts"-- HOES, all of 'em. This is the pimp game in full force, on display. And let's not even go there with the government-- AIGHT, let's go there. I already explained taxation to y'all. Give them your money, they know what to do with it better than you. PIMPIN'. Look at Donald Trump. The mother fucker ain't made a political move in his LIFE and he's got almost half the country waitin' to vote for him, and why? Because he's a slick talker. Because he's got that game, that pimp game-- listen to him talk! "You're gonna love me, everything will be great." The mother fucker is pimpin' 101. You think when Donald Trump gets elected, he's gonna do anything to help America? FUCK NO! He's gonna do everything he can to help the PIMPS take more money from the HOES, just like every America President going back to God damn Julius Ceaser. Hillary Clinton, same thing. She 'gon be the first Female Pimp in the White House with Bill as the Bottom Bitch. That's the country I live in, y'all. That's American Pie for real.
Orbit looks at his watch.
Steve Orbit: Aight, that's my time! Thanks y'all!
Big round of applause for Steve Orbit. Kids are standing and cheering. "Who Gon Stop Me" plays again and girls start stripping, guys start lighting blunts and 40s are being passed around. Orbit is about to leave, when a scrawny nerd college kid steps up to him with a Lion on his backpack.
Steve Orbit: What's up little man?
Kid: Hey... my name is Ethan. Ethan Queen.
Steve Orbit: How can I help you Queen?
Ethan Queen: I wanna be just like you, Steve.
Orbit looks him up and down. Pimp Slap.
Steve Orbit: Stay in school, punk!
Orbit leaves the lecture hall to a huge applause for the knowledge he has dropped. Fade out.
==
The following parody was produced and paid for by Steve Orbit, everybody is actors and CGI and whatever:
A GENERIC ROCK BEAT PLAYS - DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNDUNNUNUNUNUNAHHHH DUN DUN DUN DUNUNUUNNAHHH
Voice: DO YOU LIKE MOTORCYCLES
BRUMMM BRUMMM A MOTORCYCLE REVS UP
Voice: DO YOU LIKE 'MURICA
A BALD EAGLE FLIES BY
Voice: DO YOU THINK YOUR COUSIN IS PRETTY HOT
MIKEY eXTREME KISSES A BLOW UP DOLL
DEW THE DEW... TO THE eXTREME!
MIKEY eXTREME SLAMS A MOUNTAIN DEW AND THEN HE RIDES HIS MOTORCYCLE INTO A GROUP OF MUSLIMS AND IT EXPLODES AND THE FOUNDING FATHERS CRY
DEW THE DEW... KEEPING MURICA MURICA
(also available in diet dew)
FADE OUT
==
Steve Orbit sits on his hotel balcony, smoking a Black & Mild.
You know, I learned somethin' last week. I'm always growin', even in my "old, washed up" phase of my career. I was so pumped about Phantasm comin' back, and chillin' out with Cornelius Casanova, and the prospect of our Trios team-- I overlooked what was right in front of me, and that was Ethan King. Tell you what though, I said it was Ethan's biggest match of his career, and he showed up for exactly that. He walked in with that fire in his eye, he threw everything he possibly could at me... and he stopped me from winning. He didn't BEAT me-- but he didn't lose to me, neither, and that's impressive as fuck for a rookie ass mother fucker like him. It is. I'll give him that, he's better than I thought. He's... good, even.
Thing is, not only are the stakes higher this week-- I am focused, man. I want this United States title and I want it for a number of reasons. One, it completes the coming home party for Steve Orbit. The United States title put my name on the map, and now it's time to do it again. It's time to carve out my spot in this company, again-- with the current roster, the current landscape, and I'ma use the United States title to do exactly that. Competition is what it is-- we got the best in the world in WCF, always have, always will. And I know what it takes to climb to the very top-- not only that, I know how to work the middle as well, and I'm cool with that. It served me well for a long time, and it's a spot I can see myself settling into again as United States champion.
A lot of you mother fuckers have no idea what it actually takes to become World champion-- winning the belt, that's the easy part. Anybody who HAS BEEN THERE, can tell you that. Anybody who hasn't, well, your opinion don't mean SHIT, and you can talk out the side of your mouth all you want, but nobody gonna respect the opinion of somebody who speakin' on somethin' that they never experienced. Take my two opponents this week, Mikey and Ethan-- they ain't never reached the levels I been to in this business. So whatever they say about me, it ain't nothin' but dick sizing. They'll discredit my accomplishments, but God damn, it's the same shit that they DREAM about doing. Don't let the match promo bullshit fool you. They know who Steve Orbit is and they know what I'm capable of. And I got some bad news-- I got my sights on that United States title, and I'm comin' to take it at Aftermath.
I'ma start with you, Ethan. Ain't much changed since last week. We took each other to the limit last week, and I respect that. You kept gettin' up. I put a lotta mother fuckers down with a lot less, so I gotta give it to you-- you got heart, kid. But heart can only get you so far. And this week it's a Triple Threat-- there ain't gonna be no countout, there ain't gonna be no DQ, but what there IS gon be is a new United States Champion. You don't have the experience to stop a vet like me, you don't have that awareness that comes from title match after title match, main event after main event week in and week out for years. That's one advantage I have over you AND Mikey. I'm seasoned, I'm ready. This match-- the biggest match of your life, this is another day at the office for me. I BEEN winnin' big matches like this, Ethan. But, look-- I said I respect you, and I mean it. I want you to take this experience-- take these LUMPS, and learn from it. Grow with it. You gettin' the chance to work with one of the best to ever do it. Everybody who step in the ring with me, they leave better off than when they stepped in-- especially in defeat. So let's finish what we started last week. Let's tear this shit down, again. And let's take the United States title belt away from this redneck peice of shit.
I'll even offer you this, Ethan, as a token of my respect. I'ma give you the first title shot, homie, after I win. I mean, chances are you 'gon be thoroughly embarassed, and I understand if you don't wanna go nowhere near me post-Aftermath. But if you want the shot, it's yours. My word.
But really, let's get down to business here and talk about the current United States champion. The Waylon Cash knock-off Mikey eXtreme. Bro, you're like a walking Mountain Dew commercial, I couldn't help but do that promo spot earlier. But just like I whooped on Waylon Cash-- the original redneck peice of shit-- every time I stepped in the ring with him, it's 'gon be the same with with Waylon Junior over here. Your United States title reign ends here, bruh. It's over.
And thank God, am I right? How many unoriginal mother fuckers are gonna try to "change America" with the United States title? Shits been done over and over again for years, man, real WCF fans know that. Real WCF fans are tired of that shit. Scoutmaster did it with his "Right America" shit, and it was all downhill from there-- so I'ma say this shit once and for all, for all you mother fuckers, so listen up.
Being United States champion does not make you the fuckin' President. You were not elected and nobody gives a fuck about your vision of America. What it means is, you won a fuckin' wrestling championship title, and you are the champion of the United States of America, which is a step down from the Champion of the World. You don't see the World Champion using their title as a platform to take over the World. It never happens! So what's with the US title? Why do these dumb fuckin' squares keep trying to push their political shit on everybody? We so TIRED of this shit! But there's a light at the end of the tunnel, y'all-- Super Pimp Nigga is here to save the day, and I'ma take that belt from Mikey eXtreme, shuttin' his ass up once and for all.
And this delusion mother fucker really needs somebody to shut his ass up. I mean, he's bumpin' his gums about some historic title reign-- you lost the belt to Vengeance a month ago! VENGEANCE! Vengeance, the dude who got passed around and whooped on like one of my WORST hoes back in my day, now he's beating Mikey eXtreme for the United States title. And sure, you won it back-- but what happened, bruh? Vengeance is an opening act. You can cry fluke all you want-- and you did win it back, so good on you-- but if VENGEANCE can luck into beating you for that belt, what the FUCK you think is gonna happen when one of the undisputed greatest of all time comes lookin' for it. I'ma knock you straight the fuck out, Mike. TO THE EXTREME.
I got another extreme idea for you, Mikey. YOUR United States title? I held that bitch longer than anybody else in the history of this company. 2013 United States champion of the year, matter of fact. You know what that makes it? MY United States title, no matter who is holdin' it. I'm the one who's name is in the record books, NOT you, NOT nobody. I like that. I like bein' the one, matter of fact I like it SO much that I'ma try to go on and be the one to beat my own God damn record. So you can talk about bein' the greatest US Champ of all time-- homie, I got the numbers to prove it, and the numbers don't lie.
Sunday, in Montreal, three of us 'gon step into the ring. Mikey eXtreme-- I'll admit, you done aight as Champion. You had a nice feud with a nobody who ain't around no more, you know what I'm sayin'-- nobody will remember that shit, but it was nice, it was aight. You dropped that shit to Vengeance-- hey, we all have bad nights, right? You picked yourself back up by your boot straps-- very aMerican of you, and you won it back. Great job, I'm very proud of you. Ethan King... we did our thing last week. I underestimated you, I was psyched about my Trios team, I maybe put a little too much thought into that instead of our match. I apologize for that, Ethan. This week I promise I'ma put 100% of my mental and physical resources into whoopin' your ass and into winning that United States title. This shit ain't goin' down no other way. Steve Orbit is leaving Montreal as the TWO TIME United States Champion.
Mikey, Ethan-- I'ma show y'all what a true Championship performance looks likes. It's about time this company had a real mother fucker representin' for it.
Orbit winks at the camera and we fade out.
