The Really Important Things In Life
Apr 23, 2016 11:25:22 GMT -5
Night Rider, Bonnie Blue, and 7 more like this
Post by The Killenial (Caleb Ronan) on Apr 23, 2016 11:25:22 GMT -5
Caleb Ronan and Frank Brown are in Caleb’s bedroom. Frank is fiddling around with Caleb’s computer and webcam. There are two chairs positioned in front of the webcam, both turned slightly inward, as if a talk show is about to take place.
Frank Brown: Alright. I think we’re good. You ready?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah. Let’s do this.
Frank gets in his chair, reaches over, and clicks the mouse. When both men appear on screen, Caleb begins to speak.
Caleb Ronan: Hello all you #GlobalCitizens out there. I’m Caleb Ronan and this is episode number one of “Caleb and Frank Talk About Caleb.” We’re coming at you live from my bedroom in the depressingly suburban town of Centereach on the frustratingly overpopulated and materialistic Long Island. My co-host is none other than my personal interviewer and affirmationist, Frank Brown.
Frank Brown: Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Caleb. How are you doing today?
Caleb Ronan: I’m great. And you?
Frank Brown: Today has been such a gr---
Caleb Ronan: Cool. Now before we start, we’d both like to take a minute to remember Prince, who died yesterday at the age of 57.
Frank Brown: It’s so tragic.
Caleb Ronan: I know. He was such a transcendent, amazing artist. He revolutionized music in the 1980s. I’ve always admired his work.
Frank Brown: Me, too. What was your favorite Prince song?
Caleb looks like a deer in headlights.
Caleb Ronan: Um…..all of them. They were all just so good. How about you?
Frank’s face mirrors Caleb’s
Frank Brown: Yeah, me too. Just all of them were great.
They both nod their heads and shift their eyes away from each other, both waiting for the awkward moment to pass.
Caleb Ronan: So what’s the topic of conversation for today?
Frank Brown: Well, first, how are you doing? You seemed pretty depressed after Slam 350. Are you okay now?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah. I was pretty depressed, but after your affirmations- and my mother’s- I gained a new sense of purpose and realized I’m strong enough to take on the challenges ahead of me.
Frank Brown: Well, you’ve got a trios match coming up this Sunday at Aftermath. That’s quite a challenge.
Caleb Ronan: I know. I’ve never teamed up with Andrew Marx and CJ Phoenix before, and as it turns out, Andrew Marx might not make it to the match because CJ Phoenix broke his back.
Frank Brown: Wait, Seth Lerch booked two enemies to team up with each other? Yeah, cause that’s normal.
Caleb Ronan: Seriously. That was literally the worst decision he’s ever made besides not giving me my participation award; but I’m not worried. I’m looking at the big picture. This is more than just a simple Trios match or even the Trios tournament coming up. This is about trying to make the world a better place. People look at me and think “He was born in the 90s, what does he know?” Well, I graduated from college, so I know a lot, and in college I learned about how the owners of the world are trying to make it a less inclusive, less sensitive place. Maybe the older generation wants that kind of place, but I don’t. We shouldn’t have to live in a world where you can just say any word you want or hate anything you want. Everyone should learn to accept everything, regardless of what it is.
Frank Brown: That was so well said, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: Thank you, Frank.
Frank Brown: Do you think your opponents share your views?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t think Andre Holmes is concerned about my views right now. I think he’s more concerned with the two titles that he currently holds. And he’s in the Trios tournament, which means he’s concerned with winning a THIRD title. That kind of materialism is so superficial and can cloud your goals. As the great Buddha said, “Materialism is bad.”
Frank Brown: Wow. You literally know so much.
Caleb Ronan: I took a world religions class my sophomore year.
Frank Brown: Now, if you end up winning the Trios tournament in about a month, are you worried that the pursuit of championships will cloud your goals?
Caleb turns the webcam off.
Caleb Ronan: Frank, what are you doing?
Frank Brown: Well, Seth said Hank Brown is good because he asks the tough questions. I thought I’d throw a few in there.
Caleb Ronan: Don’t ask me questions like that. That kind of question makes me feel insecure.
Frank Brown: I am so sorry.
Caleb Ronan: That’s okay. We’ll edit the question out. Let’s just continue.
He turns the webcam back on.
Frank Brown: Let’s not forget that Holmes’ tag team partner and co-holder of the Tag Team Championship, Grayson Pierce, is challenging Joey Flash for the World Title. Do you think that may be a distraction for him?
Caleb Ronan: It would for me. From the little I’ve seen of Joey Flash, he seems like the kind of man that would do anything to win, like Walter White.
Frank Brown: I love the Breaking Bad reference. I watched the entire show on Netflix in a week.
Caleb Ronan: Well, it only took me a day, so...anyway, what if something were to happy to Pierce during the match and he had to forfeit the tag belt? Holmes has got to be thinking that’s a possibility. He needs to detach his thoughts from his gold and think about what really matters in life: love, acceptance, and peace.
Frank Brown: You know, Occulo was recently stripped of the Trios Titles. Do you think his mind will be on those titles?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know. He’s not in the tournament, so I can’t imagine he is, but what I do think he needs to be concerned about is the fact that he put himself as the same camp as Joey Flash for so long, someone who cares nothing about the garbage that comes out of his mouth. I mean, he called Seth the “F” word last week. What kind of person is Occulo to associate himself with that kind of hate speech? What Occulo needs to do is think about the type of person he wants to be remembered for. Does he want to be remembered for being someone that promoted hate or someone that promoted love? Perhaps a victory over him will teach him that just because Joey Flash is this great world champion, his values shouldn’t be the ones you follow blindly like a good Nazi soldier.
Frank Brown: Justin Sane is fairly new to the WCF. He hasn’t shown any allegiances one way or the other.
Caleb Ronan: You’re right about that, but he was an MMA fighter before coming to the WCF, and those guys are prizefighters. I think his allegiance lies with what will help him earn the most money. But I suppose he could be molded into being a thoughtful #GlobalCitizen. He reminds me of myself before I entered college. I was an ignorant 17 year old kid who never gave a care about the rest of the world. I was a pile of clay that needed to be molded. Now look at me. I’m a 21 year old man who cares more about the world than anyone else. All Justin Sane has ever known is training and fighting and training and fighting and so on and so forth. He needs to be trained to care. He needs to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.
Frank Brown: I think you can be his life trainer, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: It's a career path I've been thinking about.
Mr. Ronan calls from downstairs.
Mr. Ronan: Caleb James!
Caleb turns off the webcam.
Caleb Ronan: What, Dad?
Mr. Ronan: Don’t you say “what” to me. Your mother and I need to talk to you.
Caleb Ronan: Frank and I are in the middle of recording a show right now.
Mr. Ronan: I don’t give a fuck if you were on the phone with the Dalai Lama! Get your ass down here!
Caleb Ronan: (to Frank) What a dick.
He stomps down the stairs and takes a seat at the dining room table, where Mr. and Mrs. Ronan are already seated.
Caleb Ronan: What was so important that it couldn’t have waited five minutes?
Mrs. Ronan: Well, Honey…
She looks nervous and stumbles over her words.
Mrs. Ronan: Your father and I have been talking and, well, we see you’re making money now, and, well, we just think that you, um, should, um…
Mr. Ronan: We want you to start paying rent now.
Caleb Ronan: What? Rent? Why?
Mr. Ronan: We let you mooch off of us while you were trying to find a job. You’ve got a job now, and while it’s not the job your mother and I wanted you to have, it’s a job nonetheless, and now we expect you to pay for the things you use around here.
Caleb Ronan: I can’t afford rent!
Mr. Ronan: What are you talking about? I see the things you buy with your money. Cell phones, clothes, your Netflix account, take out; you can sacrifice some of those things and put your money towards rent. This is the way it is in the real world, Caleb. You’re 21 years old now. You can’t expect to live off of us forever. You got to pay your fair share. We can’t support you the rest of your life.
Caleb Ronan: This is so unfair.
Mr. Ronan: Well, that’s the way it’s going to be, so if you don’t like it, there’s the door.
Caleb’s eye starts to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: So I either pay rent or leave.
Mr. Ronan: Yep.
Caleb’s phone beeps. He pulls it out of his pocket.
Caleb Ronan: My phone’s about to die. I need to go charge it.
He goes to get up.
Mr. Ronan: You’re not going anywhere. We’re not done yet. We need to talk about how much you’re going to pay.
Caleb Ronan: Dad, it’s going to die!
His eye starts to twitch even harder.
Mr. Ronan: I don’t care. You can charge it in a second. Sit down!
Caleb sits down and places his phone on the table. He looks at it every other second to see how much battery power is left. It’s at 5%.
Mrs. Ronan: Caleb, is everything alright with your eye?
Mr. Ronan: His eye is fine. Now, Caleb, here’s what I was thinking…
Caleb looks at the phone. The battery’s down to 4%.
Mr. Ronan: We’ll start at $500 a month plus utilities…
3%
C’mon, Dad, hurry this up.
Mr. Ronan: We’ll expect you to pay for your own groceries…
2%
Caleb can feel his right bicep contracting uncontrollably. He clutches the arm of his chair.
Mr. Ronan: If you’re here in a year, we’ll have to increase your rent by about….
Mr. Ronan does some math on a piece of scrap paper. Caleb starts to sweat profusely.
Mrs. Ronan: Dear, I think something is wrong with Caleb.
Mr. Ronan: What? Hold on a damn second, I’m trying to figure this out.
1%
No no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Mr. Ronan observes his math.
Mr. Ronan: Yeah, that seems about right.
0%. The phone shuts down.
Caleb Ronan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Caleb inadvertently rips the arm off of the chair.
Mr. Ronan: WHAT THE FUCK?!? JESUS CHRIST, CALEB, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!? YOU’RE PAYING FOR THAT SHIT, TOO!
Caleb falls back into his chair, drained by what just happened to him. His eye stops twitching and his bicep stop contracting. Frank runs down the stairs.
Frank Brown: Is everyone alright?
Mr. Ronan: No, Frank, everyone is not alright! My son just broke my furniture!
Frank Brown: Oh my God, Caleb, what happened?
Caleb Ronan: I need to go lie down.
Frank helps Caleb out of the chair.
Caleb Ronan: Grab my phone. It needs to be charged. It needs to be charged.
Frank grabs the phone.
Mr. Ronan: Oh, right, worry about your damn phone, but fuck my chair!
Mrs. Ronan looks on in shock. Mr. Ronan picks up the broken arm, stares at it for a few seconds, and throws it to the ground.
Mr. Ronan: God damn it! What the fuck is wrong with that kid?! Is he spastic?! I think college made him a fucking idiot!
Frank gets Caleb to his bed. Caleb collapses onto his pillow. Frank plugs the phone into the charger.
Frank Brown: You need me to get you anything?
Caleb Ronan: No, I just need to sleep.
Frank Brown: Okay, well, I don’t think we’re going to record any more today. I’ll try to edit whatever we have to make it look good.
Caleb Ronan: Sounds good.
Frank sits at the computer as Caleb quickly falls asleep, but not before thinking to himself:
What is happening to me?
Frank Brown: Alright. I think we’re good. You ready?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah. Let’s do this.
Frank gets in his chair, reaches over, and clicks the mouse. When both men appear on screen, Caleb begins to speak.
Caleb Ronan: Hello all you #GlobalCitizens out there. I’m Caleb Ronan and this is episode number one of “Caleb and Frank Talk About Caleb.” We’re coming at you live from my bedroom in the depressingly suburban town of Centereach on the frustratingly overpopulated and materialistic Long Island. My co-host is none other than my personal interviewer and affirmationist, Frank Brown.
Frank Brown: Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Caleb. How are you doing today?
Caleb Ronan: I’m great. And you?
Frank Brown: Today has been such a gr---
Caleb Ronan: Cool. Now before we start, we’d both like to take a minute to remember Prince, who died yesterday at the age of 57.
Frank Brown: It’s so tragic.
Caleb Ronan: I know. He was such a transcendent, amazing artist. He revolutionized music in the 1980s. I’ve always admired his work.
Frank Brown: Me, too. What was your favorite Prince song?
Caleb looks like a deer in headlights.
Caleb Ronan: Um…..all of them. They were all just so good. How about you?
Frank’s face mirrors Caleb’s
Frank Brown: Yeah, me too. Just all of them were great.
They both nod their heads and shift their eyes away from each other, both waiting for the awkward moment to pass.
Caleb Ronan: So what’s the topic of conversation for today?
Frank Brown: Well, first, how are you doing? You seemed pretty depressed after Slam 350. Are you okay now?
Caleb Ronan: Yeah. I was pretty depressed, but after your affirmations- and my mother’s- I gained a new sense of purpose and realized I’m strong enough to take on the challenges ahead of me.
Frank Brown: Well, you’ve got a trios match coming up this Sunday at Aftermath. That’s quite a challenge.
Caleb Ronan: I know. I’ve never teamed up with Andrew Marx and CJ Phoenix before, and as it turns out, Andrew Marx might not make it to the match because CJ Phoenix broke his back.
Frank Brown: Wait, Seth Lerch booked two enemies to team up with each other? Yeah, cause that’s normal.
Caleb Ronan: Seriously. That was literally the worst decision he’s ever made besides not giving me my participation award; but I’m not worried. I’m looking at the big picture. This is more than just a simple Trios match or even the Trios tournament coming up. This is about trying to make the world a better place. People look at me and think “He was born in the 90s, what does he know?” Well, I graduated from college, so I know a lot, and in college I learned about how the owners of the world are trying to make it a less inclusive, less sensitive place. Maybe the older generation wants that kind of place, but I don’t. We shouldn’t have to live in a world where you can just say any word you want or hate anything you want. Everyone should learn to accept everything, regardless of what it is.
Frank Brown: That was so well said, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: Thank you, Frank.
Frank Brown: Do you think your opponents share your views?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t think Andre Holmes is concerned about my views right now. I think he’s more concerned with the two titles that he currently holds. And he’s in the Trios tournament, which means he’s concerned with winning a THIRD title. That kind of materialism is so superficial and can cloud your goals. As the great Buddha said, “Materialism is bad.”
Frank Brown: Wow. You literally know so much.
Caleb Ronan: I took a world religions class my sophomore year.
Frank Brown: Now, if you end up winning the Trios tournament in about a month, are you worried that the pursuit of championships will cloud your goals?
Caleb turns the webcam off.
Caleb Ronan: Frank, what are you doing?
Frank Brown: Well, Seth said Hank Brown is good because he asks the tough questions. I thought I’d throw a few in there.
Caleb Ronan: Don’t ask me questions like that. That kind of question makes me feel insecure.
Frank Brown: I am so sorry.
Caleb Ronan: That’s okay. We’ll edit the question out. Let’s just continue.
He turns the webcam back on.
Frank Brown: Let’s not forget that Holmes’ tag team partner and co-holder of the Tag Team Championship, Grayson Pierce, is challenging Joey Flash for the World Title. Do you think that may be a distraction for him?
Caleb Ronan: It would for me. From the little I’ve seen of Joey Flash, he seems like the kind of man that would do anything to win, like Walter White.
Frank Brown: I love the Breaking Bad reference. I watched the entire show on Netflix in a week.
Caleb Ronan: Well, it only took me a day, so...anyway, what if something were to happy to Pierce during the match and he had to forfeit the tag belt? Holmes has got to be thinking that’s a possibility. He needs to detach his thoughts from his gold and think about what really matters in life: love, acceptance, and peace.
Frank Brown: You know, Occulo was recently stripped of the Trios Titles. Do you think his mind will be on those titles?
Caleb Ronan: I don’t know. He’s not in the tournament, so I can’t imagine he is, but what I do think he needs to be concerned about is the fact that he put himself as the same camp as Joey Flash for so long, someone who cares nothing about the garbage that comes out of his mouth. I mean, he called Seth the “F” word last week. What kind of person is Occulo to associate himself with that kind of hate speech? What Occulo needs to do is think about the type of person he wants to be remembered for. Does he want to be remembered for being someone that promoted hate or someone that promoted love? Perhaps a victory over him will teach him that just because Joey Flash is this great world champion, his values shouldn’t be the ones you follow blindly like a good Nazi soldier.
Frank Brown: Justin Sane is fairly new to the WCF. He hasn’t shown any allegiances one way or the other.
Caleb Ronan: You’re right about that, but he was an MMA fighter before coming to the WCF, and those guys are prizefighters. I think his allegiance lies with what will help him earn the most money. But I suppose he could be molded into being a thoughtful #GlobalCitizen. He reminds me of myself before I entered college. I was an ignorant 17 year old kid who never gave a care about the rest of the world. I was a pile of clay that needed to be molded. Now look at me. I’m a 21 year old man who cares more about the world than anyone else. All Justin Sane has ever known is training and fighting and training and fighting and so on and so forth. He needs to be trained to care. He needs to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves.
Frank Brown: I think you can be his life trainer, Caleb.
Caleb Ronan: It's a career path I've been thinking about.
Mr. Ronan calls from downstairs.
Mr. Ronan: Caleb James!
Caleb turns off the webcam.
Caleb Ronan: What, Dad?
Mr. Ronan: Don’t you say “what” to me. Your mother and I need to talk to you.
Caleb Ronan: Frank and I are in the middle of recording a show right now.
Mr. Ronan: I don’t give a fuck if you were on the phone with the Dalai Lama! Get your ass down here!
Caleb Ronan: (to Frank) What a dick.
He stomps down the stairs and takes a seat at the dining room table, where Mr. and Mrs. Ronan are already seated.
Caleb Ronan: What was so important that it couldn’t have waited five minutes?
Mrs. Ronan: Well, Honey…
She looks nervous and stumbles over her words.
Mrs. Ronan: Your father and I have been talking and, well, we see you’re making money now, and, well, we just think that you, um, should, um…
Mr. Ronan: We want you to start paying rent now.
Caleb Ronan: What? Rent? Why?
Mr. Ronan: We let you mooch off of us while you were trying to find a job. You’ve got a job now, and while it’s not the job your mother and I wanted you to have, it’s a job nonetheless, and now we expect you to pay for the things you use around here.
Caleb Ronan: I can’t afford rent!
Mr. Ronan: What are you talking about? I see the things you buy with your money. Cell phones, clothes, your Netflix account, take out; you can sacrifice some of those things and put your money towards rent. This is the way it is in the real world, Caleb. You’re 21 years old now. You can’t expect to live off of us forever. You got to pay your fair share. We can’t support you the rest of your life.
Caleb Ronan: This is so unfair.
Mr. Ronan: Well, that’s the way it’s going to be, so if you don’t like it, there’s the door.
Caleb’s eye starts to twitch.
Caleb Ronan: So I either pay rent or leave.
Mr. Ronan: Yep.
Caleb’s phone beeps. He pulls it out of his pocket.
Caleb Ronan: My phone’s about to die. I need to go charge it.
He goes to get up.
Mr. Ronan: You’re not going anywhere. We’re not done yet. We need to talk about how much you’re going to pay.
Caleb Ronan: Dad, it’s going to die!
His eye starts to twitch even harder.
Mr. Ronan: I don’t care. You can charge it in a second. Sit down!
Caleb sits down and places his phone on the table. He looks at it every other second to see how much battery power is left. It’s at 5%.
Mrs. Ronan: Caleb, is everything alright with your eye?
Mr. Ronan: His eye is fine. Now, Caleb, here’s what I was thinking…
Caleb looks at the phone. The battery’s down to 4%.
Mr. Ronan: We’ll start at $500 a month plus utilities…
3%
C’mon, Dad, hurry this up.
Mr. Ronan: We’ll expect you to pay for your own groceries…
2%
Caleb can feel his right bicep contracting uncontrollably. He clutches the arm of his chair.
Mr. Ronan: If you’re here in a year, we’ll have to increase your rent by about….
Mr. Ronan does some math on a piece of scrap paper. Caleb starts to sweat profusely.
Mrs. Ronan: Dear, I think something is wrong with Caleb.
Mr. Ronan: What? Hold on a damn second, I’m trying to figure this out.
1%
No no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Mr. Ronan observes his math.
Mr. Ronan: Yeah, that seems about right.
0%. The phone shuts down.
Caleb Ronan: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Caleb inadvertently rips the arm off of the chair.
Mr. Ronan: WHAT THE FUCK?!? JESUS CHRIST, CALEB, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!? YOU’RE PAYING FOR THAT SHIT, TOO!
Caleb falls back into his chair, drained by what just happened to him. His eye stops twitching and his bicep stop contracting. Frank runs down the stairs.
Frank Brown: Is everyone alright?
Mr. Ronan: No, Frank, everyone is not alright! My son just broke my furniture!
Frank Brown: Oh my God, Caleb, what happened?
Caleb Ronan: I need to go lie down.
Frank helps Caleb out of the chair.
Caleb Ronan: Grab my phone. It needs to be charged. It needs to be charged.
Frank grabs the phone.
Mr. Ronan: Oh, right, worry about your damn phone, but fuck my chair!
Mrs. Ronan looks on in shock. Mr. Ronan picks up the broken arm, stares at it for a few seconds, and throws it to the ground.
Mr. Ronan: God damn it! What the fuck is wrong with that kid?! Is he spastic?! I think college made him a fucking idiot!
Frank gets Caleb to his bed. Caleb collapses onto his pillow. Frank plugs the phone into the charger.
Frank Brown: You need me to get you anything?
Caleb Ronan: No, I just need to sleep.
Frank Brown: Okay, well, I don’t think we’re going to record any more today. I’ll try to edit whatever we have to make it look good.
Caleb Ronan: Sounds good.
Frank sits at the computer as Caleb quickly falls asleep, but not before thinking to himself:
What is happening to me?
