Post by Biggs on Jan 13, 2007 21:10:22 GMT -5
Jake Hudson and "The Greatest" are standing behind the front counter of the "Biggs R' Us" Miami, Florida location. The two employees who are supposed to be manning the spot are currently in the back room doing something else at the request of "The Greatest." Jake is wearing a quite ugly shining gold color suit with matching loafers. On the other hand, "The Greatest" is wearing a shirt which is promoting his television station, "BiggsTV." He also has on a pair of blue jeans and a pair of "Biggs" brand shoes.
"The Greatest" : Wow, I never envisioned myself standing behind a cash register. I'm better than this.
Jake Hudson: It's not so bad. It could be a lot worse, man.
"The Greatest" : No, it can't be worse. I'm on Thunder's level.
Jake Hudson: I'm sorry?
"The Greatest" : I saw him working the cash register at McDonald's the other day. He doesn't get paid enough by WCF. No surprise. If I was the owner of this company I wouldn't pay him a dime. In fact, I would make him pay me for actually allowing him to get in my wrestling ring.
Jake Hudson: But he's a triple-champion.
"The Greatest" : Not for long.
Jake Hudson: True.
A couple of moments pass as Jake and "The Greatest" just stand in silence. The two of them are watching all of the happy customers do their shopping in the most awesome store in Miami. "The Greatest" becomes annoyed by the silence, so he decides to say something.
"The Greatest" : Did you know that I was really the first person to walk on the moon?
Jake Hudson: Really? I thought that was Neil Armstrong?
"The Greatest" : No, he was in the White House a few years ago. Richard Nixon was my copilot, but for some reason, he's credited with walking on the moon.
Jake Hudson: Are you sure?
"The Greatest" : Yeah. Did I tell you about the time I banged Hilary Clinton in the middle of Interstate 51?
Jake Hudson: What the hell? That's pretty nasty.
"The Greatest" : Wasn't she the one that starred in
"Headboard Banging?"
Jake Hudson: Um, sure, whatever.
"The Greatest" : Yeah, I thought so.
Jake Hudson: Wow, you're really full of shit today, aren't you?
The conversation between the two is interrupted as they are approached by an angry teenage female. She slams her purse onto the counter and she digs through it looking for something.
"The Greatest" : Uh, can I help you? That's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Woman: I'm pregnant.
"The Greatest" : Fuck! It's not mine, is it?
Jake Hudson: Dude, she's a teenager.
"The Greatest" : True. Besides, I don't think I've ever even met her? But who knows, it's a small world.
Woman: It broke.
"The Greatest" : It's not broke. If you want, I'll whip it out right now and we'll see if it's broke when I give you a lazy eye.
Woman: No, your condom broke.
The woman finally removes her hand from her purse and she has a box of "Biggs" brand condoms in her hand.
"The Greatest" : Oh. What do you want me to do about it? We don't do refunds.
Woman: Are you fucking stupid? I don't want a refund for this! I'm taking you to court! I'm going to sue you!
"The Greatest" : You can't sue me because the condom broke.
Woman: Why not?
JJ Biggs reaches over the counter so and snatches the box out of the woman's hand so quickly that you would think he was Bruce Lee. Well, if he was Chinese. Anyway, he pulls open a drawer and he grabs a magnifying glass. He places it to his eye and he searches the box with it. Finally, he discovers what he's looking for and he hands the box back to the woman, along with the glass.
"The Greatest" : Take a look.
The woman uses the magnifying glass and she looks down in the left hand corner. In the smallest print possible, obviously hidden to the naked-eye, it says: "Works 31% Of The Time."
Woman: It only works 31% of the time?
"The Greatest" : The owners of the Trojan brand were being bitches and they wouldn't share their formula with us. So, we just threw a bunch of chemicals together and we got that. But, that doesn't matter. The point is, you can't sue anyone because it says right there on the box that it will not work all of the time! It's plain as day!
Jake Hudson: Well, it's not really plain as day.
"The Greatest" : Who's side are you on?
Woman: That's bullshit! This store is a piece of shit; you're a piece of shit!
"The Greatest" : I see. Um, can I interest you in another pack of the condoms?
Woman: Fuck you.
She angrily throws the pack into his face as she storms out of the store.
"The Greatest" : She must be on her period..
Jake Hudson: She's pregnant, man....
"The Greatest" : What's your point?
Jake Hudson: Nevermind...
Jake shakes his head in disgust at the stupidity of "The Greatest." Suddenly, a door behind them opens and the two employees step out of the room.
Employee: We're finished.
"The Greatest" : Finally. Okay, you're friend is going to stay out here and watch the store while we go back there and get this over with.
The other employee has a huge smile on his face as he resumes his spot behind the desk. Meanwhile, JJ Biggs, Jake Hudson, and the other employee head back into the room. Against the far wall there is a white sheet of paper that covers most of the wall. There is a drawing of JJ Biggs and Danny Vice and they are holding the WCF Tag Team Titles above their head. I know this because I know what the picture is supposed to be, but the drawing is done in crayon. But, it looks nothing like what it's supposed to be.
"The Greatest" : You guys drew this?
Employee: Yep.
"The Greatest" : What the hell is your problem? You expect me to film a commercial for my television station in front of THAT?!?
Employee: Dude, a Jenna Jameson pornography has a bigger budget than the one we had to get the set together. It was the best we could do with the money you gave us.
"The Greatest" : Jenna Jameson is the biggest pornography star out there today and her films cost a lot to make. I know, because they tried to get me to do one with her. If I accepted the deal, she's be on me right now, so Tito owes me one. Anyway, this drawing....I just can't get over it.
Jake Hudson: You're going to have to, JJ. This commercial has to air during your show tonight.
"The Greatest" : Yeah, yeah.
"The Greatest" slowly makes his way in front of the picture and he stares at the camera setup across from him. Jake Hudson moves over to the camera and he waits for JJ's signal, which JJ gives reluctantly, and Jake starts filming.
"The Greatest" : Sunday, at Slam, new WCF Tag Team Champions are going to be crowned. At Slam, "The Greatest" is going to get back on track. Danny Vice and I, we're like bread and butter. We're like chocolate and peanut butter. We're like...well, we're good. When we speak, people listen. When we wrestle, people watch. When Skyler Striker and Thunder speak, people sleep. When they wrestle, people cringe. It's the difference between them and us. It's why we're great, and why they are just good. I shouldn't be saying this, right? I mean, Thunder and Skyler, between them, hold every single championship this company has to offer with the exception of the WCF World Championship. That should scare us, right? Wrong. You have to look at it this way: They are riding high right now, but they won't be after One goes off the air in a couple of weeks. It all starts this Sunday when they lost the WCF Tag Team Titles, and then it finishes at One. I'll become a double-champion, and Vice will become a double-champion. All that Thunder will have in his possession is the most meaningless belt this company has and Skyler won't have nothing.
I'm tired of these two. I'm tired of saying their name, I'm tired of seeing them in this company. Somehow, someway, Vice and I need to eliminate these two. Not because they propose a threat, but because they make life too easy. I want competition. Thunder and Skyler haven't proven to be much competition at all. I want them to prove me wrong. Come on, prove me wrong, bitches. I wish you two would prove me wrong. I wish it would start when you two kicked my ass at Slam and then finished the job at One. I just wish...but, guess what? "The Greatest" is never wrong. You're not competition, and that's just how it is.
JJ Biggs stands there for a moment before walking off camera. The camera continues to film for a couple of moments before it slowly begins to fade out. The scene goes black with copyright information for "Biggs Incorporated" and then the screen goes to static.
"The Greatest" : Wow, I never envisioned myself standing behind a cash register. I'm better than this.
Jake Hudson: It's not so bad. It could be a lot worse, man.
"The Greatest" : No, it can't be worse. I'm on Thunder's level.
Jake Hudson: I'm sorry?
"The Greatest" : I saw him working the cash register at McDonald's the other day. He doesn't get paid enough by WCF. No surprise. If I was the owner of this company I wouldn't pay him a dime. In fact, I would make him pay me for actually allowing him to get in my wrestling ring.
Jake Hudson: But he's a triple-champion.
"The Greatest" : Not for long.
Jake Hudson: True.
A couple of moments pass as Jake and "The Greatest" just stand in silence. The two of them are watching all of the happy customers do their shopping in the most awesome store in Miami. "The Greatest" becomes annoyed by the silence, so he decides to say something.
"The Greatest" : Did you know that I was really the first person to walk on the moon?
Jake Hudson: Really? I thought that was Neil Armstrong?
"The Greatest" : No, he was in the White House a few years ago. Richard Nixon was my copilot, but for some reason, he's credited with walking on the moon.
Jake Hudson: Are you sure?
"The Greatest" : Yeah. Did I tell you about the time I banged Hilary Clinton in the middle of Interstate 51?
Jake Hudson: What the hell? That's pretty nasty.
"The Greatest" : Wasn't she the one that starred in
"Headboard Banging?"
Jake Hudson: Um, sure, whatever.
"The Greatest" : Yeah, I thought so.
Jake Hudson: Wow, you're really full of shit today, aren't you?
The conversation between the two is interrupted as they are approached by an angry teenage female. She slams her purse onto the counter and she digs through it looking for something.
"The Greatest" : Uh, can I help you? That's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Woman: I'm pregnant.
"The Greatest" : Fuck! It's not mine, is it?
Jake Hudson: Dude, she's a teenager.
"The Greatest" : True. Besides, I don't think I've ever even met her? But who knows, it's a small world.
Woman: It broke.
"The Greatest" : It's not broke. If you want, I'll whip it out right now and we'll see if it's broke when I give you a lazy eye.
Woman: No, your condom broke.
The woman finally removes her hand from her purse and she has a box of "Biggs" brand condoms in her hand.
"The Greatest" : Oh. What do you want me to do about it? We don't do refunds.
Woman: Are you fucking stupid? I don't want a refund for this! I'm taking you to court! I'm going to sue you!
"The Greatest" : You can't sue me because the condom broke.
Woman: Why not?
JJ Biggs reaches over the counter so and snatches the box out of the woman's hand so quickly that you would think he was Bruce Lee. Well, if he was Chinese. Anyway, he pulls open a drawer and he grabs a magnifying glass. He places it to his eye and he searches the box with it. Finally, he discovers what he's looking for and he hands the box back to the woman, along with the glass.
"The Greatest" : Take a look.
The woman uses the magnifying glass and she looks down in the left hand corner. In the smallest print possible, obviously hidden to the naked-eye, it says: "Works 31% Of The Time."
Woman: It only works 31% of the time?
"The Greatest" : The owners of the Trojan brand were being bitches and they wouldn't share their formula with us. So, we just threw a bunch of chemicals together and we got that. But, that doesn't matter. The point is, you can't sue anyone because it says right there on the box that it will not work all of the time! It's plain as day!
Jake Hudson: Well, it's not really plain as day.
"The Greatest" : Who's side are you on?
Woman: That's bullshit! This store is a piece of shit; you're a piece of shit!
"The Greatest" : I see. Um, can I interest you in another pack of the condoms?
Woman: Fuck you.
She angrily throws the pack into his face as she storms out of the store.
"The Greatest" : She must be on her period..
Jake Hudson: She's pregnant, man....
"The Greatest" : What's your point?
Jake Hudson: Nevermind...
Jake shakes his head in disgust at the stupidity of "The Greatest." Suddenly, a door behind them opens and the two employees step out of the room.
Employee: We're finished.
"The Greatest" : Finally. Okay, you're friend is going to stay out here and watch the store while we go back there and get this over with.
The other employee has a huge smile on his face as he resumes his spot behind the desk. Meanwhile, JJ Biggs, Jake Hudson, and the other employee head back into the room. Against the far wall there is a white sheet of paper that covers most of the wall. There is a drawing of JJ Biggs and Danny Vice and they are holding the WCF Tag Team Titles above their head. I know this because I know what the picture is supposed to be, but the drawing is done in crayon. But, it looks nothing like what it's supposed to be.
"The Greatest" : You guys drew this?
Employee: Yep.
"The Greatest" : What the hell is your problem? You expect me to film a commercial for my television station in front of THAT?!?
Employee: Dude, a Jenna Jameson pornography has a bigger budget than the one we had to get the set together. It was the best we could do with the money you gave us.
"The Greatest" : Jenna Jameson is the biggest pornography star out there today and her films cost a lot to make. I know, because they tried to get me to do one with her. If I accepted the deal, she's be on me right now, so Tito owes me one. Anyway, this drawing....I just can't get over it.
Jake Hudson: You're going to have to, JJ. This commercial has to air during your show tonight.
"The Greatest" : Yeah, yeah.
"The Greatest" slowly makes his way in front of the picture and he stares at the camera setup across from him. Jake Hudson moves over to the camera and he waits for JJ's signal, which JJ gives reluctantly, and Jake starts filming.
"The Greatest" : Sunday, at Slam, new WCF Tag Team Champions are going to be crowned. At Slam, "The Greatest" is going to get back on track. Danny Vice and I, we're like bread and butter. We're like chocolate and peanut butter. We're like...well, we're good. When we speak, people listen. When we wrestle, people watch. When Skyler Striker and Thunder speak, people sleep. When they wrestle, people cringe. It's the difference between them and us. It's why we're great, and why they are just good. I shouldn't be saying this, right? I mean, Thunder and Skyler, between them, hold every single championship this company has to offer with the exception of the WCF World Championship. That should scare us, right? Wrong. You have to look at it this way: They are riding high right now, but they won't be after One goes off the air in a couple of weeks. It all starts this Sunday when they lost the WCF Tag Team Titles, and then it finishes at One. I'll become a double-champion, and Vice will become a double-champion. All that Thunder will have in his possession is the most meaningless belt this company has and Skyler won't have nothing.
I'm tired of these two. I'm tired of saying their name, I'm tired of seeing them in this company. Somehow, someway, Vice and I need to eliminate these two. Not because they propose a threat, but because they make life too easy. I want competition. Thunder and Skyler haven't proven to be much competition at all. I want them to prove me wrong. Come on, prove me wrong, bitches. I wish you two would prove me wrong. I wish it would start when you two kicked my ass at Slam and then finished the job at One. I just wish...but, guess what? "The Greatest" is never wrong. You're not competition, and that's just how it is.
JJ Biggs stands there for a moment before walking off camera. The camera continues to film for a couple of moments before it slowly begins to fade out. The scene goes black with copyright information for "Biggs Incorporated" and then the screen goes to static.
