Positively Negative (Internet Land Part 2)
Mar 27, 2016 15:43:32 GMT -5
via mobile
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Post by Teo Blaze on Mar 27, 2016 15:43:32 GMT -5
Voiceover: So there I was, walking through Internet Land, looking at all the wonderful fiber-optic world had to offer me. You know, you don’t realize it till you see it firsthand, but there is a LOT of pornog-
Teo: What in the world is that??
Teo freezes in place as he sees what appears to be a very large window in front of him, with an even larger grin splayed out across its surface. Teo can’t help but be aghast by the sheer weirdness looking him in the face, the smile has an almost hypnotic quality, but before long, something begins forming around the edges. Slowly, but surely, the image around the huge smile expands to reveal a furry face and two pointed ears.
: I can haz title belt?
Teo blinks a few times, completely unable to process what he is looking at, and the talking cat in the window stares at him expectantly. After a few moments though, its appearance changes, and a now distinctly grumpier cat stares at him.
Grumpier Cat: Oh don’t listen to that idiot, he is purely infantile.
Other Cat: Lolz. U just jelly.
Grumpier Cat: Oh yes, jealous of you, just like I’m jealous of concussion patients. Go chase a rainbow or whatever it is you do.
Other Cat: LOL. K.
The cat bursts off into the distance as a high pitched song begins playing, a rainbow trail following behind it.
Grumpier Cat : So, what do you want?
Teo stares at the grumpy cat in confusion, not exactly sure yet what he is looking at.
Grumpier Cat: I suppose you want an explanation…everyone always does. Fiiiine. I am the Cheshire cat video.
Teo: That seems a little forced.
Grumpier Cat : You haven’t seen anything yet. I’ve been watching you, Mr. Sol, and your utter confusion and distaste for our realm has been nothing short of hilarity. Were it not for obvious reasons, it might even elicit a chuckle.
As the cat speaks, the letters LOL appear at the top of the window, and it shakes its head derisively.
Grumpier Cat: You see, you seek a way to beat McMorris on his own terms, to pull apart the internet and examine it scientifically, like a scientist with a frog.
Teo del Sol: No kidding, friend!
Grumpier Cat: I’m not your friend.
Teo del Sol: I’ve been turning it over in my head for days! I want to prove that I can hang with McMorris not only in the wrestling ring, but in all aspects of wrestling! He dedicates so much time to this internet stuff, I thought that maybe I could find some kind of weakness.
Grumpier Cat: A weakness in McMorris’s internet skills. You’d have better luck trying to find a pocketwatch inside of a blue whale.
Teo del Sol: So you’ll help me then?
Grumpier Cat: That’s a stupid question. No, Mr. del Sol, I am not the helpful type. I’m going to sit here and watch you fail. It shall amuse me.
Teo del Sol: … Boy, you really are grumpy.
Grumpier Cat: Now you’re getting it. Internet Land is an unforgiving place, Mr. Del Sol. I hope you’re prepared.
As the cat speaks, it slowly fades away into nothingness, as though it were never there in the first place. Teo taps the screen repeatedly, but to no avail. After a few moments, he shrugs his shoulders and continues walking.
McMorris presented an interesting problem for sure. Teo knew that he would be bringing his full ability to the Pay-per-view, to show that he could defeat Teo to anyone who doubted after their first encounter. And yet… if this was the extent of his power, then Teo wasn’t exactly afraid yet. I mean, grumpy cats? That was what the internet was throwing at him? Not exactly terrifying.
The more he walked, the less afraid he was of McMorris, after all, Zombie had only really brought the fire when he felt his belt was threatened. And the more that Teo walked, the more he realized that Zombie was the perfect one for that title. If this was what the internet was, then-
: Hey! Watch your step!
Teo pauses at the sound of a voice, despite clearly hearing it, he couldn’t see any source for it.
: Down here!
Teo paused and looked slowly down, before his eyes came to rest on a rather fat caterpillar, sitting on a mushroom. In each of its hands was a computer keyboard, and it was typing feverishly with all of them.
Caterpillar: I’ve got 37 more videos to comment on in the next 2 minutes, so I’d appreciate you not interrupting me, sir!
Teo paused and bent slowly down to look at the creature, its arms flailing on keyboards wired into the mushroom it sat upon.
Teo: Who are you, friend?
Caterpillar: I’m not your friend. And I don’t have time to talk to you, these videos won’t comment on themselves!
Teo at this point turned and glanced around the room, realizing that countless screens are lit up with text, all negative, hateful comments and all appearing faster than anyone can respond.
Teo: You, uh…you sure are big on commenting, eh?
Caterpillar: It’s my duty! I have to comment on every video or else no one will know how much they suck.
Teo: You sure about that?
Caterpillar: Don’t you see? The internet is like the wild west, with anyone being allowed to say anything they want! Without people like me to correct them, practically anything could make its way onto the internet! Here, take a keyboard, you’ll see.
The creature hands Teo a keyboard, just barely big enough to type on. He turns towards a screen, and types a tiny smiley face on one of the videos.
Caterpillar: Oh come on! Not like that!
The caterpillar appears beneath Teo’s smiley, releasing a hate-filled rant about Teo’s ignorance.
Teo: It was just a smiley face.
Caterpillar: The internet has no time for people like you sir, McMorris is going to eat you alive. Good day!
At this, the caterpillar immediately becomes wrapped up once more in his “work”. Rather than pursuing anything further, Teo simply continues walking.
So that’s what McMorris has to deal with every day, huh? People who type nonstop about nothing and think they’re doing a good thing by pouring negativity out. Negativity wasn’t something that just went away, it was something that fed off of itself, like a snake eating its own tail.
Maybe that’s how McMorris did it. He had this way of turning the negativity back on people, of pointing out the absurdity of their arguments all while embodying that same absurdity himself. But Teo knew that he would have to-
Teo stopped and stared as a very strange sight caught his eye. Staring at him from across a long banquet table was a collection of strange folks, all talking at once and in very argumentative voices.
Honey Badger: You don’t want to talk to them.
Teo stops and looks down at the honey badger, who now has several lipstick smears matted throughout his fur and outfit.
Teo: How was the queen of hearts?
Honey Badger: Better than I can talk about on a PG broadcast, kid. You know what they say the internet’s for in Avenue Q, yeah? Well she’s the queen of that.
Teo: I’m both intrigued and disgusted.
Honey Badger: Welcome to the internet.
Teo: So what’s their story, then?
Honey Badger: Oh, them? They’re the internet trolls. They don’t really have a purpose or a goal, not like the keyboard caterpillar. They just love chaos.
At the table, one of the internet trolls smashes the teapot over another’s head while one holds the teacups over his chest like a Madonna-brand bra. Everyone laughs and then resumes breaking the china or peeing into each other’s cups.
Teo: I don’t think I want to interact with them.
Honey Badger: Yeah…So tell me, Mr. Del Sol, what have you learned from your trip to internet land?
Teo: It’s not exactly a fun place, is it?
Honey Badger: Eh, it’s not that bad.
Teo: Everywhere I go is just negativity, apathy, uncaring…it’s like the internet is just a pack of dogs at each other’s throats all the time.
Honey Badger: Not an inappropriate description.
Teo: That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why McMorris is so hard to pin down. He’s been with the internet division since its inception, and he loves to bask in the chaos, loves to throw himself in front of the oncoming train to see what happens. I can’t beat McMorris on his own terms because he’s jumped in front of so many bullets that there’s nothing left to throw at him!
Honey Badger: Right. And so…
Teo: And so I’m not going to face him on his terms. I’m going to beat him because this is not an internet title match! Zombie may be an unstoppable god-like being when it comes to beating these trolls, but he is not going up against one of them this week!
I am not a run-of-the-mill, dimebag of insults, lay down and wait-to-take-it internet troll! I am not a keyboard warrior, or a cat video poster! I am the People’s Champion! While Zombie McMorris has been inviting in the dregs of the internet division like a spider invites flies, I have been going one on one with the most dangerous the WCF has to offer.
I have defended my belt against Torture, against Andre Holmes, against Caliban and Vengeance! That list may sound familiar Zombie, and do you know why? It’s because each and every one of my challengers has gone on to win a major championship! Vengeance is now our US Champion, Caliban was our International Champion, and Andre Holmes is our Tag Team Champion. Even Johnny Rabid, who I never truly got to face, is well on his way to the world title!
That’s the difference between me and McMorris, while we both have taken all comers, he has gone out of his way to face talent that’s not in his league, in rules that they’re barely ready for.
I bet if I threw a football to an old lady without telling her that we were playing, I could stack up a pretty good record too. But that’s not how Teo del Sol plays.
Teo del Sol believes in facing men at their best! Not taking shortcuts and dragging them down to some level that they weren’t even aware they would have to be fighting on! Zombie, you make me laugh, but this week, it’s about pride, and I know for a fact that you don’t have any of that.
So come on honey badger, bring all the internet has to offer, because I have seen it, and I am not impressed.
Teo breathes heavily as he finishes his speech, the Honey Badger nods in approval.
Honey Badger: Sounds like you’re going to make it a heck of a fight. I look forward to watching it.
Teo: You get the WCF network down here?
Honey Badger: Nah, but I’ll just watch it with the internet pirates. I don’t think you have time to meet them though, you’re waking up.
Teo: What do you-
Teo is caught off guard as a rather annoying electric shock resonates throughout his cheek. The drool from his long nap leaking into the keyboard and electronics of the laptop. He jolts his head up and looks around, not quite sure what to make of the whole experience.
Voiceover: And there you have it. Teo del Sol tried to prepare for Zombie McMorris, only to realize that the internet is hardly something that can be prepared for. Take what you will away from the story, but know one thing for sure.
At Explosion, when it is the People vs. the Internet? It might as well be a handicap match.
Teo: What in the world is that??
Teo freezes in place as he sees what appears to be a very large window in front of him, with an even larger grin splayed out across its surface. Teo can’t help but be aghast by the sheer weirdness looking him in the face, the smile has an almost hypnotic quality, but before long, something begins forming around the edges. Slowly, but surely, the image around the huge smile expands to reveal a furry face and two pointed ears.
: I can haz title belt? Teo blinks a few times, completely unable to process what he is looking at, and the talking cat in the window stares at him expectantly. After a few moments though, its appearance changes, and a now distinctly grumpier cat stares at him.
Grumpier Cat: Oh don’t listen to that idiot, he is purely infantile.
Other Cat: Lolz. U just jelly.
Grumpier Cat: Oh yes, jealous of you, just like I’m jealous of concussion patients. Go chase a rainbow or whatever it is you do.
Other Cat: LOL. K.
The cat bursts off into the distance as a high pitched song begins playing, a rainbow trail following behind it.
Grumpier Cat : So, what do you want?
Teo stares at the grumpy cat in confusion, not exactly sure yet what he is looking at.
Grumpier Cat: I suppose you want an explanation…everyone always does. Fiiiine. I am the Cheshire cat video.
Teo: That seems a little forced.
Grumpier Cat : You haven’t seen anything yet. I’ve been watching you, Mr. Sol, and your utter confusion and distaste for our realm has been nothing short of hilarity. Were it not for obvious reasons, it might even elicit a chuckle.
As the cat speaks, the letters LOL appear at the top of the window, and it shakes its head derisively.
Grumpier Cat: You see, you seek a way to beat McMorris on his own terms, to pull apart the internet and examine it scientifically, like a scientist with a frog.
Teo del Sol: No kidding, friend!
Grumpier Cat: I’m not your friend.
Teo del Sol: I’ve been turning it over in my head for days! I want to prove that I can hang with McMorris not only in the wrestling ring, but in all aspects of wrestling! He dedicates so much time to this internet stuff, I thought that maybe I could find some kind of weakness.
Grumpier Cat: A weakness in McMorris’s internet skills. You’d have better luck trying to find a pocketwatch inside of a blue whale.
Teo del Sol: So you’ll help me then?
Grumpier Cat: That’s a stupid question. No, Mr. del Sol, I am not the helpful type. I’m going to sit here and watch you fail. It shall amuse me.
Teo del Sol: … Boy, you really are grumpy.
Grumpier Cat: Now you’re getting it. Internet Land is an unforgiving place, Mr. Del Sol. I hope you’re prepared.
As the cat speaks, it slowly fades away into nothingness, as though it were never there in the first place. Teo taps the screen repeatedly, but to no avail. After a few moments, he shrugs his shoulders and continues walking.
McMorris presented an interesting problem for sure. Teo knew that he would be bringing his full ability to the Pay-per-view, to show that he could defeat Teo to anyone who doubted after their first encounter. And yet… if this was the extent of his power, then Teo wasn’t exactly afraid yet. I mean, grumpy cats? That was what the internet was throwing at him? Not exactly terrifying.
The more he walked, the less afraid he was of McMorris, after all, Zombie had only really brought the fire when he felt his belt was threatened. And the more that Teo walked, the more he realized that Zombie was the perfect one for that title. If this was what the internet was, then-
: Hey! Watch your step!Teo pauses at the sound of a voice, despite clearly hearing it, he couldn’t see any source for it.
: Down here!Teo paused and looked slowly down, before his eyes came to rest on a rather fat caterpillar, sitting on a mushroom. In each of its hands was a computer keyboard, and it was typing feverishly with all of them.
Caterpillar: I’ve got 37 more videos to comment on in the next 2 minutes, so I’d appreciate you not interrupting me, sir!
Teo paused and bent slowly down to look at the creature, its arms flailing on keyboards wired into the mushroom it sat upon.
Teo: Who are you, friend?
Caterpillar: I’m not your friend. And I don’t have time to talk to you, these videos won’t comment on themselves!
Teo at this point turned and glanced around the room, realizing that countless screens are lit up with text, all negative, hateful comments and all appearing faster than anyone can respond.
Teo: You, uh…you sure are big on commenting, eh?
Caterpillar: It’s my duty! I have to comment on every video or else no one will know how much they suck.
Teo: You sure about that?
Caterpillar: Don’t you see? The internet is like the wild west, with anyone being allowed to say anything they want! Without people like me to correct them, practically anything could make its way onto the internet! Here, take a keyboard, you’ll see.
The creature hands Teo a keyboard, just barely big enough to type on. He turns towards a screen, and types a tiny smiley face on one of the videos.
Caterpillar: Oh come on! Not like that!
The caterpillar appears beneath Teo’s smiley, releasing a hate-filled rant about Teo’s ignorance.
Teo: It was just a smiley face.
Caterpillar: The internet has no time for people like you sir, McMorris is going to eat you alive. Good day!
At this, the caterpillar immediately becomes wrapped up once more in his “work”. Rather than pursuing anything further, Teo simply continues walking.
So that’s what McMorris has to deal with every day, huh? People who type nonstop about nothing and think they’re doing a good thing by pouring negativity out. Negativity wasn’t something that just went away, it was something that fed off of itself, like a snake eating its own tail.
Maybe that’s how McMorris did it. He had this way of turning the negativity back on people, of pointing out the absurdity of their arguments all while embodying that same absurdity himself. But Teo knew that he would have to-
Teo stopped and stared as a very strange sight caught his eye. Staring at him from across a long banquet table was a collection of strange folks, all talking at once and in very argumentative voices.
Honey Badger: You don’t want to talk to them.
Teo stops and looks down at the honey badger, who now has several lipstick smears matted throughout his fur and outfit.
Teo: How was the queen of hearts?
Honey Badger: Better than I can talk about on a PG broadcast, kid. You know what they say the internet’s for in Avenue Q, yeah? Well she’s the queen of that.
Teo: I’m both intrigued and disgusted.
Honey Badger: Welcome to the internet.
Teo: So what’s their story, then?
Honey Badger: Oh, them? They’re the internet trolls. They don’t really have a purpose or a goal, not like the keyboard caterpillar. They just love chaos.
At the table, one of the internet trolls smashes the teapot over another’s head while one holds the teacups over his chest like a Madonna-brand bra. Everyone laughs and then resumes breaking the china or peeing into each other’s cups.
Teo: I don’t think I want to interact with them.
Honey Badger: Yeah…So tell me, Mr. Del Sol, what have you learned from your trip to internet land?
Teo: It’s not exactly a fun place, is it?
Honey Badger: Eh, it’s not that bad.
Teo: Everywhere I go is just negativity, apathy, uncaring…it’s like the internet is just a pack of dogs at each other’s throats all the time.
Honey Badger: Not an inappropriate description.
Teo: That’s it, isn’t it? That’s why McMorris is so hard to pin down. He’s been with the internet division since its inception, and he loves to bask in the chaos, loves to throw himself in front of the oncoming train to see what happens. I can’t beat McMorris on his own terms because he’s jumped in front of so many bullets that there’s nothing left to throw at him!
Honey Badger: Right. And so…
Teo: And so I’m not going to face him on his terms. I’m going to beat him because this is not an internet title match! Zombie may be an unstoppable god-like being when it comes to beating these trolls, but he is not going up against one of them this week!
I am not a run-of-the-mill, dimebag of insults, lay down and wait-to-take-it internet troll! I am not a keyboard warrior, or a cat video poster! I am the People’s Champion! While Zombie McMorris has been inviting in the dregs of the internet division like a spider invites flies, I have been going one on one with the most dangerous the WCF has to offer.
I have defended my belt against Torture, against Andre Holmes, against Caliban and Vengeance! That list may sound familiar Zombie, and do you know why? It’s because each and every one of my challengers has gone on to win a major championship! Vengeance is now our US Champion, Caliban was our International Champion, and Andre Holmes is our Tag Team Champion. Even Johnny Rabid, who I never truly got to face, is well on his way to the world title!
That’s the difference between me and McMorris, while we both have taken all comers, he has gone out of his way to face talent that’s not in his league, in rules that they’re barely ready for.
I bet if I threw a football to an old lady without telling her that we were playing, I could stack up a pretty good record too. But that’s not how Teo del Sol plays.
Teo del Sol believes in facing men at their best! Not taking shortcuts and dragging them down to some level that they weren’t even aware they would have to be fighting on! Zombie, you make me laugh, but this week, it’s about pride, and I know for a fact that you don’t have any of that.
So come on honey badger, bring all the internet has to offer, because I have seen it, and I am not impressed.
Teo breathes heavily as he finishes his speech, the Honey Badger nods in approval.
Honey Badger: Sounds like you’re going to make it a heck of a fight. I look forward to watching it.
Teo: You get the WCF network down here?
Honey Badger: Nah, but I’ll just watch it with the internet pirates. I don’t think you have time to meet them though, you’re waking up.
Teo: What do you-
Teo is caught off guard as a rather annoying electric shock resonates throughout his cheek. The drool from his long nap leaking into the keyboard and electronics of the laptop. He jolts his head up and looks around, not quite sure what to make of the whole experience.
Voiceover: And there you have it. Teo del Sol tried to prepare for Zombie McMorris, only to realize that the internet is hardly something that can be prepared for. Take what you will away from the story, but know one thing for sure.
At Explosion, when it is the People vs. the Internet? It might as well be a handicap match.
