VACANCY: WCF World Champion
Mar 24, 2016 22:51:00 GMT -5
Torture, Jayson Price, and 9 more like this
Post by Joey Flash on Mar 24, 2016 22:51:00 GMT -5
The CEO’s office in the WCF Headquarters was the most lavish and opulent, effervescent and cultured office space that you could possibly imagine, it made Don Draper look positively proletariat in comparison…at least it would if “opulent, effervescent and cultured” also meant “full of empty beer cans, the odd stain on the carpet of a miscellaneous bodily fluid or two and curled up in the corner a fast asleep, or possibly dead, hooker”.
Behind his desk in this office in what is a momentous occasion in the history of the WCF, ladies and gentlemen welcome, making his Joey Flash NPC promo debut is the sloppy, drunk owner of the federation. With vomit stains down his ‘GrimeFace’ T-Shirt sat Seth Lerch.
Seth: Ugh what happened?
Then it hit him. The horrors of last night truly hit home, he let out a little wail of sorrow as he remembered. He glanced quickly at the hooker in the corner and bit his lip in worry, sadness and anxiety. A peek into Seth’s mind shows he is not worried about that prostitute in the slightest, that bitch had OD’d and died in a pool of her own vomit a week ago, he just hadn’t contacted the Hector Rodriguez cleaning squad to deal with it yet. No, this was much worse…he had committed the ultimate sin, he had banned Torture and had him removed from the building. The two men had been having a lightbondage bonding session as is per the norm on a Wednesday night, but then…it happened. Torture pushed him too far. He insulted Metallica and lauded the album ‘St Anger’ over Master of Puppets; most heinously he touted Lars Ulrich as a ‘Mozart’ of our times and proclaimed him the ‘Worlds most talented percussionist’. Then said blasphemed Star Wars telling Seth it was shit and that Greedo shot first.
Seth was frantic (tic-tic-tock) as he fumbled pitifully for his phone, he must call Torture. He might be mad – the phone rang for a few moments before a voice answered. The dulcet tones of the Hall of Fame legend Torture came through the receiver, Seth came through his pants at the same time.
Torture: Hello.
Seth: H-hello…it’s me…
Torture: Die slow.
The phone clicked dead and once more Lerch felt himself falling into a pit of sadness and despair so bad even Simon and Garfunkle couldn’t do his darkness justice. It was then a light crept across his room. A light so bright and wondrous, a shining beacon of hope, a shining beacon of salvation. The light was accompanied by two raps at the door, a figure stepped in through the doorway, it so luminous and bright that it outlined the figure in an ethereal shimmering shroud that made Seth for the first time in his life finally believe in something more than himself.
Seth: G-God?
Joey Flash slammed the door shut with authority.
Joey: Close enough faggot.
The incumbent World Champion stepped toward Lerch, avoiding the dead hooker, the semen/blood/vomit/piss/shit cocktail covering the floor and the empty beer cans. Flash picked one of the cans up and looked at it with disgust.
Joey: Natural ICE? Ugh, what trash.
He threw that shit right into the face of Miss Hooker McCorpse and stood over Lerch who was adjusting some paperwork, after finally finding what he was looking for, Seth invited Joey to sit.
Seth: Hello Joe! Welcome to my office, if you play your cards right maybe you’ll get one like this one day.
Joey: No thanks.
Seth: I am glad you managed to come today.
Joey looked at the white liquid seeping from the crotch of Lerch’s jeans. Why he was looking in that specific direction? No one will ever know. Just go with: it sets up this terrible next line of dialogue by Joey.
Joey: I’m not the only one it seems.
Lerch laughs off the terrible line and continues.
Seth: So, you’re here for the job.
Joey: No, I am here because you phoned me last night drunkenly rambling and crying saying ‘I ruined it all, he’ll never talk to me again; please meet me in the morning’. What fucking job?
Seth smiled at Joey and produced a piece of paper.
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World Champion – Wrestling Championship Federation
Salary: Dependant on experience. Starting figure at a rate of $2,000,000 per annum.
We require an experienced wrestling to work within the world’s leading wrestling federation. To be successful for this role, you are required to have a minimum of six months of experience in the company along with stellar references.
The successful wrestler will have experience of:
• Sustained high level wrestling
• Considerable endorsement/sponsorship potential for future company promotion
• A stellar in ring record, 2:1 W-L a minimum requirement for this post
• Not losing to Jay Omega and Jayson Price in World Title matches
• Not wearing a stupid fedora and shitty floral shirts
• Being in shape
• Being the greatest wrestler in the company today
• Being the greatest wrestler in the history of the company
To apply for this role you must have:
Seth: I’ve had this up around the locker room for the past month and I’ve had like, a billion applications! It’s really been an eye opener.
Joey: You…what?
Seth: Yeah, uhh, I figured since the roster is pretty low on contenders at the moment that rather than wasting time with a stupid tournament or something I’d let the roster put in applications to see who your next opponent should be!
It’s been really interesting! I’ve had twenty different applications from the same postal address, did you know that Psycho Psycho Psycho Dragon Dragon Dragon Dragon, a billion random masked Japanese/Mexican wrestlers and oddly, Adam Young all live in the same house? It’s really cool!
Joey: Sounds like a mental asylum.
Seth: Is that what they’re calling Texas nowadays? Anyway I picked a winner.
A beat.
Joey: Go on.
Seth slides a sheet of paper across the desk toward Joey.
Seth: The winning resume.
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Personal Profile
I am an unenthusiastic competitor who inspires nothing but apathy and boredom from both fans and investors in the WCF business model. I offer nothing of worth to the company and it’s a question as to why my employment hasn’t be terminated as of yet. I aim to be friendly, approachable and professional but end up a fat, ugly, sloppy unprofessional piece of shit who can’t ever manage to find their way into a meaningful singles win without the helping hand of my good friend Mr. Store E Line.
Key Skills
- Highly proficient on all areas using a computer, especially use of idiotic memes.
- Incomprehensible gibberish on the Internet Boards
- Midcard wrestling talent boosted by vocal team backing
- Good time management, I know the opening and closing times of all my local fast food joints.
- Dishonest and untrustworthy
- Multilingual, I speak broken English, Huttese and Faggot
- Can fart the national anthem.
Work History
My career of note lasts from 2015-2015. Here are my greatest accomplishments.
War LOSS – In the biggest most prestigious match of my career War 2015, the match was to be contested for the World Title following the vacation of Joey ‘GOAT #1’ Flash earlier that evening. I managed to somehow survive to the last two, where I humiliatingly was defeated by what is now widely considered the worst, most pathetic World Champion of all time (Wade Moor excluded) Jay Omega. This was a great moment for me.
World Title WIN – In this match I managed to defeat Jay Omega thus dooming him in the annals of time as the P4P WOAT (He would from this point go on to in a freak accident be frightened to death by my stablemate Johnny Rabid)
One Main Event WIN – In this one I struggled to overcome the challenge of Grayson Pierce. There is not much to say about this match. Joey Flash has beaten this guy more times than I’ve eaten today. So, more than six.
Update: Seven. I win.
World Title LOSS – I lost to Jayson Price. Nothing more is needed here. Jayson…Price.
Education
- Lived in swamp, raised by like crocodiles and banjo playing hillbillies; gained wrestling experience wrasslin gaters!!!
- Gained fake Tulane degree from dude selling them online.
- I am about to complete a further step in my education with a lesson in ‘wrestling’ at the upcoming WCF PPV ‘Expolsion’ where World Champion Joey Flash will beat the ever loving shit out of me and embarrass me in shockingly one sided fashion.
Hobbies and Interests
I enjoy culinary delights; some call me rather an epicure. I also enjoy posting blitheringly terrible promotional videos, participating in televised wrestling matches that are barely even passable as sport, many likening it to popular 00’s show ‘Bumfights’. I enjoy going out for meals with family and friends that said I have no family as I fukken killed my father and brother LMAO it’s safe to say if you’re related to me, you’re fucking dead at this point. If I had actual friends I would enjoy that too. I also take great joy eating food. I also enjoy stuffing my fat fucking cake hole…man I’m hungry. I like to eat, have I mentioned that?
References
Jimophy Thuggin (He’s an alien I call ‘father’. I am serious. An actual alien)
Jared Holmes (rat faced best friend)
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Seth: So there we go.
Joey: I already knew this a month ago you fucking idiot.
Seth: I wanted to keep it a surprise.
Joey: Well good fucking job, did you not hear? We have been promoting it for the past three weeks.
Seth: Oh…really?
Seth looked like a sad little puppy dog. Flash wanted to drown the cunt.
Joey: Really. Why is it this fucking guy I have to fight?
Seth: He actually DOES have the best resume of the current crop of wrestlers at the top of the card right now. He’s the last World Champion before you, so it makes sense.
Joey: What about Jayson-
Seth: The…last…champion. Do you understand?!
Joey: No, but still, what would you have me do here? Do you want me to interview for the position of World Champion?
Seth: Well, I just wanted a hug and my head stroking…but that sounds like a fucking great idea.
Joey: No I was jok-
Seth switches into ‘boss mode’ immediately, standing up and holding a hand toward Flash.
Seth: Hello there, welcome. I’m Seth.
Joey: I’m not doing this.
Seth: Doing what Mister…
Seth fumbles with some more papers, fixing his gaze on one.
Seth: Flash?
Joey: I’m not playing this game.
Seth: This is an interview, not a game.
Joey sighs and shakes the hand of Lerch, who motions for him to sit. Joey peels a used condom from his chair, tossing it in disgust into the face off Miss Sucky von Dead.
Seth: So Mister Flash, why do you want this job?
Joey: Uhh. You fucking made me! I was content fucking around and fighting non-title, long term feuds but no! You had me fight Gemini fucking Battle. I couldn’t lose to that guy if I tried! So then I have to face Jayson Price. I couldn’t lose to that guy if I was Wade Moo- well, in that case I’d get fucking bodied.
Joey chortles with mirth.
Joey: So basically, I’m here by complete fucking chance. I don’t lose matches, so I guess I’m going to stay here.
Seth: You realise that this is a lucrative spot that over forty superstars are aiming for…
Joey: Yep.
Seth: Okay. Next! Describe a situation where you worked in a team.
Joey: What the fuck does this have to do with the World Title? IT’S A FUCKING SINGLES BELT.
Seth: Please answer.
Joey: Okay. Well I was in The Vapor Kings for a time, then I masterminded the formation of Imperium.
Seth: How did that go? Successful?
Lerch said with a smarmy grin.
Joey: Well if you call complete annihilation, terrible loss after terrible loss, combustion and the most disappointing thing since Wade Moor trying to copulate “success”…then yes, we were the most successful team in the history of the federation. More recently I’m part of the most dominant Trios team in history.
Lerch’s smarm oozed once more.
Seth: The Sentinels.
Joey: Yes, myself and The Sentinels.
Seth: No, the three of you are The Sentinels.
Joey: No – we’re not.
Seth: Yes you are. What are you then?
Joey: Joey Flash ft The Sentinels.
Seth: Two Sentinels and a Cunt.
Joey: Wait a-
Seth: Sorry, canon.
Joey: You don’t get to decide what is canon and what-
Seth: I’m Seth.
Joey: You got me there.
Seth: Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?
Joey: Probably jail for killing you.
Seth: Hah! Fly put ME in jail, even then he beats you.
Joey: You would be dead. I would have ceased your existence in the world. How does he wi-
Seth: 0-1 to Grime forever bitch!
Joey: That is a ridiculous ad hominem attack that has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I just said.
Seth: The fact still remains…
Seth raises his hands and points toward his ‘Grimeface’ T-Shirt.
Joey: Five years’ time? Fuck that, it’s going to be in five fucking minutes.
Flash stands up as Lerch cowers away.
Seth: Sorry! Sorry! I’ll be good.
Joey: Next question.
Seth: Oh! Now you WANT to do the interview. Make your damn mind up.
Joey: I WANT you to stop being a raging fucking pussy, but the interview is the better and more likely option.
Seth: Yep. Ahh fuck it. Shoot.
Joey: You sure?
Seth: Yeah, it was what was coming next anyway.
Joey: Are you sure that’s what you want?
Seth: …yes.
Flash reaches inside his jacket and pulls a pistol out aiming it toward Seth who proceeds to add a second layer of bodily fluid to his already soiled jeans.
Seth: NO NO NO!!!!! IT WAS A WRESTLING TERM NOT A LITERAL ONE. PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I HAVE A TORTURE, YOU
CAN’T…PLEASE. LOOK…LOOK…
He produces a picture.
Seth: You see…me and my Torture…please…
Flash lowers the gun, then
Joey: What the fuck?
Seth: I’m…sorry. Please…
Seth reaches a trembling hand toward the phone on the table.
Seth: Camera in here.
In a completely random amount of time (let’s go with like five minutes and thirty seconds because why the fuck not?) a cameraman appears.
Cameraman: Where you want me boss?
Seth ponders for a moment.
Seth: Behind me.
Cameraman: That’s what she said. Waheyyyy.
Seth: What?
Cameraman: Nothing boss.
The cameraman sets his equipment up at Seth’s side of the table and begins setting up.
Seth: Joey. I want you to shoot on Wade Moor. I want you do shoot hard. I want you to penetrate that sphincter so hard that I can imagine the flesh ripping and tearing, that I can smell the blood pouring from within. I want you to aim it toward me. Talk to me. Make me feel dirty. I’m clean Joe, I’m ready, I’m like a virgin ready to be fucked for the first time. Now…penetrate.
Joey is extremely perturbed by this “weird” shit Seth is babbling on about but prepares to end the career of Wade Moor.
Cameraman: In three…two…
Joey: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a special edition of a Joey Flash promo. In this promotional video I will be taking you on a wonderful journey of ending the career of one ‘Wade Moor’. Now sit back, relax…and watch me rip this cunt’s soul from his body.
Wade Moor. You are fat.
This is going to be a bad one; I might make some enemies because of this. So apologies to all my overweight fans in advance…oh wait, none of my fans are sloppy fatties. So I’m good! Wade Moor, you are obese. This not a joke, this is a real life true to god fact. The joke might be ‘Haha if Wade went to the cinema he’d need two seats LOL’, the reality: if #BeachKrew went to the cinema together every single one of them would be hoping and praying that they wouldn’t have the misfortune of having to have to around as you file into your seats and see Wade waddling toward them. Well that’s the film ruined. Ninety minutes of loud sipping, popcorn munching, jowl bellowing out of breath laughter and being smushed in your little chair because your side fat is taking up the entire fucking armrest.
This is no joke. This is real life for you, news flash Wade. You are inconvenient to be around. How awful does that feel? But no, you’re ‘GodNilla’ you’re ‘Swagrid’ everyone loves you right? You’re the life of every party, you’re the fucking MAN. Because you motherfucking have to be, to be fat and popular you have to either be ‘the funny one’ or ‘the stupid one’ just to get an advantage or you wouldn’t have a single friend on this planet.
Laugh it up Wade. Your obesity tells me so much about you as a MAN, no discipline, no long term goals. Real life facts for you: Fat people make less money, get promoted less, and are more likely to be alone or suffer an early death. What do marketing companies want? What does the WCF want to promote? Childhood obesity? Well good fucking job.
Your whole persona is fucking pathetic. Every little ridiculous catchphrase, each little piece of bullshit that slides out of your mouth ‘shiprekt’ ‘beachbodied’ what the fuck are you even talking about? You claim to be the best wrestler in the world and the true World Champion, bitch absolutely NO ONE is buying into it. Your rhetoric is pathetic; you look like the type of guy to say some shit like ‘I EAT WORLDS’…somehow THAT I believe.
Joey pauses and holds up a hand.
Joey: Let’s pause. Let’s set up the timeline for this match to happen. I win the World Title and immediately…immediately out comes Wade Moor to spoil my moment, #BeachKrew catch me after the match and beat me unconscious. He lays down a marker right there telling me ‘I want what’s mine’. See that right there Wade, that one little act of ball swinging bravado could have done so much for your career had you tried that shit any other time. If you do it with 99% of champions here they get shook and end up folding under the challenge. Unfortunately for you, I am the 1%.
That bully shit, that chest puffing alpha shit it doesn’t work here. It doesn’t work with me. You’re playing Russian Roulette with your career and motherfucker when you step to Joey Flash every chamber is loaded, but that’s something that you didn’t realise then. It’s something that you’re probably going to get a dawning realisation of minute by minute as I kill you here Wade.
So what do you do after that? You run to the internet and get to doing what you do. Every time things get real for Wade Moor, every time things are about to get heated he does what he does. He gets brolic, gets angry, steps up…and types that I’m a faggot.
‘Joey Flash sucks LMAO’
‘Hey Joey how’d you like that LMAO’
‘Joey! The World is a botched toe hold LMAO’
‘Joey Flash ducks Wade Moor, Wade declares self as champion’
Sat by the computer with your bucket of chicken, he munches and types. This guy mentions my name so many times there are grease stains on the ‘J’ of his keyboard.
Here we are, I don’t agree to the match. I don’t agree to face you, none of that. I didn’t want to fight you. Why? Is it because I was scared? Is it because I have some ungodly fear of the former World Champion Wade Moor? No. It’s because I didn’t want to end your career. See it’s a funny thing Wade, if we shook hands and just said ‘let’s have a match for the strap’ I wouldn’t have minded. I wouldn’t have said no, I’d have said yes, we’d have fought, I’d have won and you would leave satisfied knowing that you gave a good account of yourself. I would have given that illusion to feed your ego and keep you ticking. However the way you handled this? I’m going to shatter every illusion, every delusion, every bit of self-confidence that you have fat boy.
This is the match that you want. Well I’m going to give you the complete annihilation you deserve. You want this so badly huh? ‘I’m going to body Flash’ ‘This is a murder LMAO’ you must be on cocaine thinking this is the reality. This guy is deeper in y(ay)e shit than Amber Rose’s fingers. What’s that idiotic shit you’ve been trotting out through the build? ‘LMAO he’s only using fat jokes, saving your ‘A Material’ huh Flash?!’
Hint: I don’t need my A material to beat you, I don’t need anything of the sort. Why? Because you are a midcard fodder faggot propped up by a group of equally terrible wrestlers who manage to circle jerk each other to relevance, your World Title is a lie, your career is a lie, and your future is absolute shit in this business. I’m going to use you as my personal nut rag, I’m going to call your ugly bitch and play this promo for her, the sound of a real man’s voice and just the sound of her man getting bodied in such emasculating fashion will make her so wet over the phone it’ll need a bag of rice. I’m going to humiliate you so bad that you will be questioning the future in this business, that yep it’s true, you were NEVER on the top level. I’m going to have you doubting yourself so badly after this decimation that I’ll beat the lucky fat neckbeard overachiever out of you so badly you’ll wake up as a skinny Cajun faggot instead.
I don’t need it. But you’re going to fucking get it. ‘A Material’ huh? You got it. No limiters for you cuntbag.
Joey smiles. Seth comes again.
Joey: Well let’s get it fuck boy. Let’s just be real here for a moment, can we?
#BeachKrew is one of the worst gimmicks in WCF History.
Frat boys with a nautical obsession. That is not a joke, that’s not a punch line. What in holy fuck is this? Are you fuckers using the South Park ‘Family Guy Joke Generator’ for your gimmick? Fitting, what did the manatees choose first?
*Qualifier one* with *qualifier two*
Fuck my life. Everything about you guys fucking sucks. Let’s rewind. #BeachKrew rose to prominence for one simple reason: Joey Flash was not around. You won titles, you gained prestige and you managed to damn near monopolise the federation’s top spots. Then back comes Joey Flash and just like-
He snaps his fingers.
Joey: It’s over for you. What the entire federation together couldn’t do, I did within a month, I destroyed your position, your credibility and the public image of where your talent level resides. I’ve dismantled every single member of your faction, one after the other, tag match, singles matches, it doesn’t matter. I am the #BeachKrewGenocidist. However…there is one man in the group I have yet to defeat in competition, one man whose head I still don’t have mounted on the wall in my shitter. It’s you Wade. You’re the last step to my genocide, well, welcome to my final solution. The sad thing about this, about it all, is it didn’t even need to happen. You had your heads all swollen like a bunch of teenagers at a strip club; you overestimated yourselves and underestimated The Flash God. All you guys needed to do was to bow at my feet and kick up toward your lord, but no, you pushed it and you prodded. You thought I was on that New Testament forgiveness ‘he won’t do anything even if we attack him’ shit only to find out I’m that old book punishment and death shit.
So what of Wade? What of our intrepid protagonist? Wade, you owe everything you’ve ever done in this federation to me. Every success to me. Yes Wade, you finished second in War. You competed in a match without the two greatest wrestlers in the federation. #1 and #2 were busy with each other that night for the World Title. This is where our story begins. The tale of brave Wade Moor.
Joey Flash won the World Title at War; he beat the greatest champion in recent memory. What was to become one of the most epic dominant runs in WCF history was cut short due to the injuries suffered in that match. What now for the top? The world is in flux. This is where Wade Moor made his move. He was unable to win the biggest match of his career. Omega whupped his ass and gave him an absolute beating. Then, only a week or two later Wade manages to catch an uncaring Omega and pretty much defaults the title. Wow. What a path to the top, what a staggering amount of hardship and punishment you had to go through. Then, heading into One what do we have? Do we have an epic match between Wade and Flash to see who the true champion is? Nope. Instead he faces Gemwire Battle and struggles to overcome that challenge in the most underwhelming, pitiful damp squib of a One main event in history. Two men who knew deep down that even though they were the main event in name, the headliners on that card were the exact same two people who were the headliners as at War. It’s funny how things have managed to come full circle here.
We finally end this six month long tale with this match Wade. We finally end the little pseudo-success you managed to get because of me. We finally get the match that probably should have happened at One, nah fuck that, I should have sensed the snake in the grass before then and snuffed you out long before. So here we are, at a completely nondescript Pay Per View, finally Wade you can say you are both main eventing and headlining this card. You are also going to be headlining all the national newspapers the next morning with your fucking eulogy.
Is it getting through to you yet Wade? You think all of this shit is a game, that you can do what you want, say you want and you can just walk away after it. You want to have fun and play with these words, well motherfucker they have apps for that. This shit is like playing hangman; your words can get you fucking killed.
You like to dance around a lot of issues, you jab and jab, but let me show you how World Champions do, I see that little bit of weakness, I see that someone has an insecurity, has an issue…I will tear it to shreds. My son died in my arms, it was a testament to my weakness. It was a testament to the man I was, a cowardly piece of shit and his spirit is what keeps me trying to improve myself every day. I don’t balk at that shit, I understand that shit. I cried, and I wept. I cry every day still, I excuse myself from dinner because I smell something that reminds me of him and yes, I cry. But don’t you ever confuse emotional with weak, I’ll cut your throat with a tear rolling down my cheek.
You though Wade, you’re a different creature entirely. From hereon I’m going to nickname you lumberjack. So lumberjack, how are you doing? You fucking snake. I’ve done everything in my power to protect the ones I love, you? Fucking lumberjack. I call you this because you’ve taken an axe to your own family tree and absolutely destroyed that shit.
I wonder what the rest of your #BeachKrew friends think about you? What this says about you as man? Fat ugly son, hated by his father, an embarrassment to his brother. I’m glad in a way about what happened. The fact you plunged that blade deep into your protector and role model with little thought is almost poetic. I think in his own little way he would thank you for that. Either he was going to die like a bitch or live like a piece of shit.
Joey smiles.
Joey: You thought you were entering this match as the ‘bad guy?’ calm down, I’ll give you that same ‘Razor’s Edge’ you gave ya fukken pops LMFAO! Yep this is recess time; I’ve taken you to school now it’s time to play with you. Your parents were fucking idiots. What type of backwards, redneck faggot family calls their children Wade and Leven? When your father spunked inside your mother did he smirk and say ‘Huh huh huh…I’m just ‘LEVEN’ this here’?
Seth holds a hand up and begins to speak.
Seth: Also, what are The Owls? I am NOT a member of this group. This is not canon. I am not a fucking cult leader/demon/monster.
Joey: Shut up, no one cares. Where did that even come from?
Seth: It was just bothering me for a while now. People need to stop using my name and position in the federation as a plot device that effectively nullifies the majority of other storylines in the federation.
Joey: I agree Seth it’s pretty pathetic, uncreative and hacky isn’t it?
Seth: If that’s the case, why am I here?
Joey: Because I’m pathetic, uncreative and hacky. Problem?
Seth: Nope. I love honesty <3.
Joey: Your poor father Wade. See it’s like we’re running through a parallel universe here, although we have a few small differences. My son died in front of me, I tried my hardest to save him, your father died in front of you, you tried your hardest to kill him. It’s a father’s duty to not outlive their son, I failed my duty and you ensured your father failed his. Theme alert: you are a fucking snake. A fucking rat, a fucking amoeba. You know what though? I’m glad your father is dead. I am glad he took his last breaths in pride knowing his son was going to be a strong man…rather than him live to see the fat ineffectual idiotic bitch he turned out to be. I’m glad he doesn’t have to see that his waste of a nut is going to be beaten with such severity that his fucking ancestors will feel it.
What pride can you possibly give that rotting, decomposing, disappointed brother of yours?
Let me tell you what you’re going to take to your family once I’m done killing you: the fact you have been used and abused by the only friends and family you have ever had in your whole life. Jared is using you, Rabid is using you. You were the fat drunken dancing retard of the group long before Oblivion. You are so oblivious to it, it’s fucking embarrassing Wade.
You’re going to take to your family the fact that you were an okay wrestler, an okay one. You weren’t good, you weren’t particularly bad. You were just average. You will laugh about your stories until you get to the one where you lost your challenge for the World Title, where you finally got the match against Joey Flash. That’s not a funny story Wade. That’s not story time with paw. That’s the night where Wade Moor got mentally castrated and physically destroyed by a skinny wop pretty boy…and boy was it fucking beautiful. Share that one. Share that one fat boy. That can be your ‘A Material’ you give to your dead family that you brutally and systematically killed.
It’s okay though, you have a chance to prove it all against Joey Flash at Explosion. You can prove me wrong. You can prove your genetics wrong. All it takes is the ‘1-2-3’ that has existed in your dreams for the past few months. I’m going to be real with you right now. You cannot beat me. You cannot hope to even come close, under any circumstance. I could be shot in the face, hopping around on one leg with Oblivion forcefully raping me with a stuffed, but very real, duck and I would still be able to handle you with minimum effort. You’re a guy who came around at the complete right place at the right time; I earned everything I ever achieved whereas you have just waddled into whatever success you have achieved.
What did you earn? Hatred and contempt. Why does this untalented, mid card newbie get a push before everyone else? That’s how they view you. You are a nothing in this business. Now is the time for the true elite of the WCF to put down the biggest pretender to his throne. You have the prestige and accolades but fuck me, you don’t even half a third of the skill you need to back it up. Heading into any other World Title match you’d be even money, fuck it you might even be the favourite. But against Joey Flash you are nothing of the sort. Let me alter that. You are nothing. Never once have I been worried, never once have I been scared because of the fact I’m facing ‘Wade Moor’. In fact, let me give you a little something. You’ve earned it.
#1 You are not anywhere near good enough to push me to my ‘A Material’
#2 You want trade going ‘hard’? I’m as soft as your flaccid cock around any woman, ever right now.
#3 Your friends don’t like or care for you, you are a tool. Nothing more.
#4 Aliens exist.
It’s over for you Wade. Your casket is prepped; your bodybag is on deck. It’s over already. I’m just deciding what funeral march to play as I bury you next time. You’re fuckin finished, punk.
It was all quiet for a moment, until Seth finally spoke up, his legs had finished spasming, his toes had finished curling.
Seth: W-Wow.
Joey: The camera is still rolling, so let me tell you right now –
He grabs the lens and switches the focus from the multistained crotch of Seth Lerch to Joey’s face.
Joey: Titanic, you’re meeting the tip of the iceberg. You begged and whined, so I’ll let you spit the cheese in your promos, because when Joey Flash steps up you are getting the fucking ham with it. This is over already. I don’t end this shit because anyone tells me to, I don’t end this shit because of an arbitrary catchphrase. I end this when I feel my opponent has been beaten so completely, thoroughly and utterly that they have absolutely nothing left to give…that’s exactly what I feel about you.
You are a complete nobody to me. Roll up roll up. Come and watch, this is history fucking repeating itself.
Joey grins.
Joey: This is the ’86 shuttle disaster in this match…we’re going to watch the challenger crash and fucking burn.
Behind his desk in this office in what is a momentous occasion in the history of the WCF, ladies and gentlemen welcome, making his Joey Flash NPC promo debut is the sloppy, drunk owner of the federation. With vomit stains down his ‘GrimeFace’ T-Shirt sat Seth Lerch.
Seth: Ugh what happened?
Then it hit him. The horrors of last night truly hit home, he let out a little wail of sorrow as he remembered. He glanced quickly at the hooker in the corner and bit his lip in worry, sadness and anxiety. A peek into Seth’s mind shows he is not worried about that prostitute in the slightest, that bitch had OD’d and died in a pool of her own vomit a week ago, he just hadn’t contacted the Hector Rodriguez cleaning squad to deal with it yet. No, this was much worse…he had committed the ultimate sin, he had banned Torture and had him removed from the building. The two men had been having a light
Seth was frantic (tic-tic-tock) as he fumbled pitifully for his phone, he must call Torture. He might be mad – the phone rang for a few moments before a voice answered. The dulcet tones of the Hall of Fame legend Torture came through the receiver, Seth came through his pants at the same time.
Torture: Hello.
Seth: H-hello…it’s me…
Torture: Die slow.
The phone clicked dead and once more Lerch felt himself falling into a pit of sadness and despair so bad even Simon and Garfunkle couldn’t do his darkness justice. It was then a light crept across his room. A light so bright and wondrous, a shining beacon of hope, a shining beacon of salvation. The light was accompanied by two raps at the door, a figure stepped in through the doorway, it so luminous and bright that it outlined the figure in an ethereal shimmering shroud that made Seth for the first time in his life finally believe in something more than himself.
Seth: G-God?
Joey Flash slammed the door shut with authority.
Joey: Close enough faggot.
The incumbent World Champion stepped toward Lerch, avoiding the dead hooker, the semen/blood/vomit/piss/shit cocktail covering the floor and the empty beer cans. Flash picked one of the cans up and looked at it with disgust.
Joey: Natural ICE? Ugh, what trash.
He threw that shit right into the face of Miss Hooker McCorpse and stood over Lerch who was adjusting some paperwork, after finally finding what he was looking for, Seth invited Joey to sit.
Seth: Hello Joe! Welcome to my office, if you play your cards right maybe you’ll get one like this one day.
Joey: No thanks.
Seth: I am glad you managed to come today.
Joey looked at the white liquid seeping from the crotch of Lerch’s jeans. Why he was looking in that specific direction? No one will ever know. Just go with: it sets up this terrible next line of dialogue by Joey.
Joey: I’m not the only one it seems.
Lerch laughs off the terrible line and continues.
Seth: So, you’re here for the job.
Joey: No, I am here because you phoned me last night drunkenly rambling and crying saying ‘I ruined it all, he’ll never talk to me again; please meet me in the morning’. What fucking job?
Seth smiled at Joey and produced a piece of paper.
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World Champion – Wrestling Championship Federation
Salary: Dependant on experience. Starting figure at a rate of $2,000,000 per annum.
We require an experienced wrestling to work within the world’s leading wrestling federation. To be successful for this role, you are required to have a minimum of six months of experience in the company along with stellar references.
The successful wrestler will have experience of:
• Sustained high level wrestling
• Considerable endorsement/sponsorship potential for future company promotion
• A stellar in ring record, 2:1 W-L a minimum requirement for this post
• Not losing to Jay Omega and Jayson Price in World Title matches
• Not wearing a stupid fedora and shitty floral shirts
• Being in shape
• Being the greatest wrestler in the company today
• Being the greatest wrestler in the history of the company
To apply for this role you must have:
• A six pack
• A win over Jayson Price in a World Title match.
• Be eligible to work in the United States of America.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
• A win over Jayson Price in a World Title match.
• Be eligible to work in the United States of America.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth: I’ve had this up around the locker room for the past month and I’ve had like, a billion applications! It’s really been an eye opener.
Joey: You…what?
Seth: Yeah, uhh, I figured since the roster is pretty low on contenders at the moment that rather than wasting time with a stupid tournament or something I’d let the roster put in applications to see who your next opponent should be!
It’s been really interesting! I’ve had twenty different applications from the same postal address, did you know that Psycho Psycho Psycho Dragon Dragon Dragon Dragon, a billion random masked Japanese/Mexican wrestlers and oddly, Adam Young all live in the same house? It’s really cool!
Joey: Sounds like a mental asylum.
Seth: Is that what they’re calling Texas nowadays? Anyway I picked a winner.
A beat.
Joey: Go on.
Seth slides a sheet of paper across the desk toward Joey.
Seth: The winning resume.
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Wade Moor
The Everglades, Florida
07762457892
BIGBOY69ER@hotmail.com
The Everglades, Florida
07762457892
BIGBOY69ER@hotmail.com
Personal Profile
I am an unenthusiastic competitor who inspires nothing but apathy and boredom from both fans and investors in the WCF business model. I offer nothing of worth to the company and it’s a question as to why my employment hasn’t be terminated as of yet. I aim to be friendly, approachable and professional but end up a fat, ugly, sloppy unprofessional piece of shit who can’t ever manage to find their way into a meaningful singles win without the helping hand of my good friend Mr. Store E Line.
Key Skills
- Highly proficient on all areas using a computer, especially use of idiotic memes.
- Incomprehensible gibberish on the Internet Boards
- Midcard wrestling talent boosted by vocal team backing
- Good time management, I know the opening and closing times of all my local fast food joints.
- Dishonest and untrustworthy
- Multilingual, I speak broken English, Huttese and Faggot
- Can fart the national anthem.
Work History
My career of note lasts from 2015-2015. Here are my greatest accomplishments.
War LOSS – In the biggest most prestigious match of my career War 2015, the match was to be contested for the World Title following the vacation of Joey ‘GOAT #1’ Flash earlier that evening. I managed to somehow survive to the last two, where I humiliatingly was defeated by what is now widely considered the worst, most pathetic World Champion of all time (Wade Moor excluded) Jay Omega. This was a great moment for me.
World Title WIN – In this match I managed to defeat Jay Omega thus dooming him in the annals of time as the P4P WOAT (He would from this point go on to in a freak accident be frightened to death by my stablemate Johnny Rabid)
One Main Event WIN – In this one I struggled to overcome the challenge of Grayson Pierce. There is not much to say about this match. Joey Flash has beaten this guy more times than I’ve eaten today. So, more than six.
Update: Seven. I win.
World Title LOSS – I lost to Jayson Price. Nothing more is needed here. Jayson…Price.
Education
- Lived in swamp, raised by like crocodiles and banjo playing hillbillies; gained wrestling experience wrasslin gaters!!!
- Gained fake Tulane degree from dude selling them online.
- I am about to complete a further step in my education with a lesson in ‘wrestling’ at the upcoming WCF PPV ‘Expolsion’ where World Champion Joey Flash will beat the ever loving shit out of me and embarrass me in shockingly one sided fashion.
Hobbies and Interests
I enjoy culinary delights; some call me rather an epicure. I also enjoy posting blitheringly terrible promotional videos, participating in televised wrestling matches that are barely even passable as sport, many likening it to popular 00’s show ‘Bumfights’. I enjoy going out for meals with family and friends that said I have no family as I fukken killed my father and brother LMAO it’s safe to say if you’re related to me, you’re fucking dead at this point. If I had actual friends I would enjoy that too. I also take great joy eating food. I also enjoy stuffing my fat fucking cake hole…man I’m hungry. I like to eat, have I mentioned that?
References
Jimophy Thuggin (He’s an alien I call ‘father’. I am serious. An actual alien)
Jared Holmes (rat faced best friend)
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Seth: So there we go.
Joey: I already knew this a month ago you fucking idiot.
Seth: I wanted to keep it a surprise.
Joey: Well good fucking job, did you not hear? We have been promoting it for the past three weeks.
Seth: Oh…really?
Seth looked like a sad little puppy dog. Flash wanted to drown the cunt.
Joey: Really. Why is it this fucking guy I have to fight?
Seth: He actually DOES have the best resume of the current crop of wrestlers at the top of the card right now. He’s the last World Champion before you, so it makes sense.
Joey: What about Jayson-
Seth: The…last…champion. Do you understand?!
Joey: No, but still, what would you have me do here? Do you want me to interview for the position of World Champion?
Seth: Well, I just wanted a hug and my head stroking…but that sounds like a fucking great idea.
Joey: No I was jok-
Seth switches into ‘boss mode’ immediately, standing up and holding a hand toward Flash.
Seth: Hello there, welcome. I’m Seth.
Joey: I’m not doing this.
Seth: Doing what Mister…
Seth fumbles with some more papers, fixing his gaze on one.
Seth: Flash?
Joey: I’m not playing this game.
Seth: This is an interview, not a game.
Joey sighs and shakes the hand of Lerch, who motions for him to sit. Joey peels a used condom from his chair, tossing it in disgust into the face off Miss Sucky von Dead.
Seth: So Mister Flash, why do you want this job?
Joey: Uhh. You fucking made me! I was content fucking around and fighting non-title, long term feuds but no! You had me fight Gemini fucking Battle. I couldn’t lose to that guy if I tried! So then I have to face Jayson Price. I couldn’t lose to that guy if I was Wade Moo- well, in that case I’d get fucking bodied.
Joey chortles with mirth.
Joey: So basically, I’m here by complete fucking chance. I don’t lose matches, so I guess I’m going to stay here.
Seth: You realise that this is a lucrative spot that over forty superstars are aiming for…
Joey: Yep.
Seth: Okay. Next! Describe a situation where you worked in a team.
Joey: What the fuck does this have to do with the World Title? IT’S A FUCKING SINGLES BELT.
Seth: Please answer.
Joey: Okay. Well I was in The Vapor Kings for a time, then I masterminded the formation of Imperium.
Seth: How did that go? Successful?
Lerch said with a smarmy grin.
Joey: Well if you call complete annihilation, terrible loss after terrible loss, combustion and the most disappointing thing since Wade Moor trying to copulate “success”…then yes, we were the most successful team in the history of the federation. More recently I’m part of the most dominant Trios team in history.
Lerch’s smarm oozed once more.
Seth: The Sentinels.
Joey: Yes, myself and The Sentinels.
Seth: No, the three of you are The Sentinels.
Joey: No – we’re not.
Seth: Yes you are. What are you then?
Joey: Joey Flash ft The Sentinels.
Seth: Two Sentinels and a Cunt.
Joey: Wait a-
Seth: Sorry, canon.
Joey: You don’t get to decide what is canon and what-
Seth: I’m Seth.
Joey: You got me there.
Seth: Where do you see yourself in five years’ time?
Joey: Probably jail for killing you.
Seth: Hah! Fly put ME in jail, even then he beats you.
Joey: You would be dead. I would have ceased your existence in the world. How does he wi-
Seth: 0-1 to Grime forever bitch!
Joey: That is a ridiculous ad hominem attack that has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I just said.
Seth: The fact still remains…
Seth raises his hands and points toward his ‘Grimeface’ T-Shirt.
Joey: Five years’ time? Fuck that, it’s going to be in five fucking minutes.
Flash stands up as Lerch cowers away.
Seth: Sorry! Sorry! I’ll be good.
Joey: Next question.
Seth: Oh! Now you WANT to do the interview. Make your damn mind up.
Joey: I WANT you to stop being a raging fucking pussy, but the interview is the better and more likely option.
Seth: Yep. Ahh fuck it. Shoot.
Joey: You sure?
Seth: Yeah, it was what was coming next anyway.
Joey: Are you sure that’s what you want?
Seth: …yes.
Flash reaches inside his jacket and pulls a pistol out aiming it toward Seth who proceeds to add a second layer of bodily fluid to his already soiled jeans.
Seth: NO NO NO!!!!! IT WAS A WRESTLING TERM NOT A LITERAL ONE. PLEASE DON’T KILL ME! I HAVE A TORTURE, YOU
CAN’T…PLEASE. LOOK…LOOK…
He produces a picture.
Seth: You see…me and my Torture…please…
Flash lowers the gun, then
Joey: What the fuck?
Seth: I’m…sorry. Please…
Seth reaches a trembling hand toward the phone on the table.
Seth: Camera in here.
In a completely random amount of time (let’s go with like five minutes and thirty seconds because why the fuck not?) a cameraman appears.
Cameraman: Where you want me boss?
Seth ponders for a moment.
Seth: Behind me.
Cameraman: That’s what she said. Waheyyyy.
Seth: What?
Cameraman: Nothing boss.
The cameraman sets his equipment up at Seth’s side of the table and begins setting up.
Seth: Joey. I want you to shoot on Wade Moor. I want you do shoot hard. I want you to penetrate that sphincter so hard that I can imagine the flesh ripping and tearing, that I can smell the blood pouring from within. I want you to aim it toward me. Talk to me. Make me feel dirty. I’m clean Joe, I’m ready, I’m like a virgin ready to be fucked for the first time. Now…penetrate.
Joey is extremely perturbed by this “weird” shit Seth is babbling on about but prepares to end the career of Wade Moor.
Cameraman: In three…two…
Joey: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a special edition of a Joey Flash promo. In this promotional video I will be taking you on a wonderful journey of ending the career of one ‘Wade Moor’. Now sit back, relax…and watch me rip this cunt’s soul from his body.
Wade Moor. You are fat.
This is going to be a bad one; I might make some enemies because of this. So apologies to all my overweight fans in advance…oh wait, none of my fans are sloppy fatties. So I’m good! Wade Moor, you are obese. This not a joke, this is a real life true to god fact. The joke might be ‘Haha if Wade went to the cinema he’d need two seats LOL’, the reality: if #BeachKrew went to the cinema together every single one of them would be hoping and praying that they wouldn’t have the misfortune of having to have to around as you file into your seats and see Wade waddling toward them. Well that’s the film ruined. Ninety minutes of loud sipping, popcorn munching, jowl bellowing out of breath laughter and being smushed in your little chair because your side fat is taking up the entire fucking armrest.
This is no joke. This is real life for you, news flash Wade. You are inconvenient to be around. How awful does that feel? But no, you’re ‘GodNilla’ you’re ‘Swagrid’ everyone loves you right? You’re the life of every party, you’re the fucking MAN. Because you motherfucking have to be, to be fat and popular you have to either be ‘the funny one’ or ‘the stupid one’ just to get an advantage or you wouldn’t have a single friend on this planet.
Laugh it up Wade. Your obesity tells me so much about you as a MAN, no discipline, no long term goals. Real life facts for you: Fat people make less money, get promoted less, and are more likely to be alone or suffer an early death. What do marketing companies want? What does the WCF want to promote? Childhood obesity? Well good fucking job.
Your whole persona is fucking pathetic. Every little ridiculous catchphrase, each little piece of bullshit that slides out of your mouth ‘shiprekt’ ‘beachbodied’ what the fuck are you even talking about? You claim to be the best wrestler in the world and the true World Champion, bitch absolutely NO ONE is buying into it. Your rhetoric is pathetic; you look like the type of guy to say some shit like ‘I EAT WORLDS’…somehow THAT I believe.
Joey pauses and holds up a hand.
Joey: Let’s pause. Let’s set up the timeline for this match to happen. I win the World Title and immediately…immediately out comes Wade Moor to spoil my moment, #BeachKrew catch me after the match and beat me unconscious. He lays down a marker right there telling me ‘I want what’s mine’. See that right there Wade, that one little act of ball swinging bravado could have done so much for your career had you tried that shit any other time. If you do it with 99% of champions here they get shook and end up folding under the challenge. Unfortunately for you, I am the 1%.
That bully shit, that chest puffing alpha shit it doesn’t work here. It doesn’t work with me. You’re playing Russian Roulette with your career and motherfucker when you step to Joey Flash every chamber is loaded, but that’s something that you didn’t realise then. It’s something that you’re probably going to get a dawning realisation of minute by minute as I kill you here Wade.
So what do you do after that? You run to the internet and get to doing what you do. Every time things get real for Wade Moor, every time things are about to get heated he does what he does. He gets brolic, gets angry, steps up…and types that I’m a faggot.
‘Joey Flash sucks LMAO’
‘Hey Joey how’d you like that LMAO’
‘Joey! The World is a botched toe hold LMAO’
‘Joey Flash ducks Wade Moor, Wade declares self as champion’
Sat by the computer with your bucket of chicken, he munches and types. This guy mentions my name so many times there are grease stains on the ‘J’ of his keyboard.
Here we are, I don’t agree to the match. I don’t agree to face you, none of that. I didn’t want to fight you. Why? Is it because I was scared? Is it because I have some ungodly fear of the former World Champion Wade Moor? No. It’s because I didn’t want to end your career. See it’s a funny thing Wade, if we shook hands and just said ‘let’s have a match for the strap’ I wouldn’t have minded. I wouldn’t have said no, I’d have said yes, we’d have fought, I’d have won and you would leave satisfied knowing that you gave a good account of yourself. I would have given that illusion to feed your ego and keep you ticking. However the way you handled this? I’m going to shatter every illusion, every delusion, every bit of self-confidence that you have fat boy.
This is the match that you want. Well I’m going to give you the complete annihilation you deserve. You want this so badly huh? ‘I’m going to body Flash’ ‘This is a murder LMAO’ you must be on cocaine thinking this is the reality. This guy is deeper in y(ay)e shit than Amber Rose’s fingers. What’s that idiotic shit you’ve been trotting out through the build? ‘LMAO he’s only using fat jokes, saving your ‘A Material’ huh Flash?!’
Hint: I don’t need my A material to beat you, I don’t need anything of the sort. Why? Because you are a midcard fodder faggot propped up by a group of equally terrible wrestlers who manage to circle jerk each other to relevance, your World Title is a lie, your career is a lie, and your future is absolute shit in this business. I’m going to use you as my personal nut rag, I’m going to call your ugly bitch and play this promo for her, the sound of a real man’s voice and just the sound of her man getting bodied in such emasculating fashion will make her so wet over the phone it’ll need a bag of rice. I’m going to humiliate you so bad that you will be questioning the future in this business, that yep it’s true, you were NEVER on the top level. I’m going to have you doubting yourself so badly after this decimation that I’ll beat the lucky fat neckbeard overachiever out of you so badly you’ll wake up as a skinny Cajun faggot instead.
I don’t need it. But you’re going to fucking get it. ‘A Material’ huh? You got it. No limiters for you cuntbag.
Joey smiles. Seth comes again.
Joey: Well let’s get it fuck boy. Let’s just be real here for a moment, can we?
#BeachKrew is one of the worst gimmicks in WCF History.
Frat boys with a nautical obsession. That is not a joke, that’s not a punch line. What in holy fuck is this? Are you fuckers using the South Park ‘Family Guy Joke Generator’ for your gimmick? Fitting, what did the manatees choose first?
*Qualifier one* with *qualifier two*
‘Knights Errant with… agoraphobia’
‘Ghosts with…a love of the cello’
‘Bikers with…right wing views’
‘Shit wrestlers with…a Roman landmark name’
‘Ghosts with…a love of the cello’
‘Bikers with…right wing views’
‘Shit wrestlers with…a Roman landmark name’
Fuck my life. Everything about you guys fucking sucks. Let’s rewind. #BeachKrew rose to prominence for one simple reason: Joey Flash was not around. You won titles, you gained prestige and you managed to damn near monopolise the federation’s top spots. Then back comes Joey Flash and just like-
He snaps his fingers.
Joey: It’s over for you. What the entire federation together couldn’t do, I did within a month, I destroyed your position, your credibility and the public image of where your talent level resides. I’ve dismantled every single member of your faction, one after the other, tag match, singles matches, it doesn’t matter. I am the #BeachKrewGenocidist. However…there is one man in the group I have yet to defeat in competition, one man whose head I still don’t have mounted on the wall in my shitter. It’s you Wade. You’re the last step to my genocide, well, welcome to my final solution. The sad thing about this, about it all, is it didn’t even need to happen. You had your heads all swollen like a bunch of teenagers at a strip club; you overestimated yourselves and underestimated The Flash God. All you guys needed to do was to bow at my feet and kick up toward your lord, but no, you pushed it and you prodded. You thought I was on that New Testament forgiveness ‘he won’t do anything even if we attack him’ shit only to find out I’m that old book punishment and death shit.
So what of Wade? What of our intrepid protagonist? Wade, you owe everything you’ve ever done in this federation to me. Every success to me. Yes Wade, you finished second in War. You competed in a match without the two greatest wrestlers in the federation. #1 and #2 were busy with each other that night for the World Title. This is where our story begins. The tale of brave Wade Moor.
Joey Flash won the World Title at War; he beat the greatest champion in recent memory. What was to become one of the most epic dominant runs in WCF history was cut short due to the injuries suffered in that match. What now for the top? The world is in flux. This is where Wade Moor made his move. He was unable to win the biggest match of his career. Omega whupped his ass and gave him an absolute beating. Then, only a week or two later Wade manages to catch an uncaring Omega and pretty much defaults the title. Wow. What a path to the top, what a staggering amount of hardship and punishment you had to go through. Then, heading into One what do we have? Do we have an epic match between Wade and Flash to see who the true champion is? Nope. Instead he faces Gemwire Battle and struggles to overcome that challenge in the most underwhelming, pitiful damp squib of a One main event in history. Two men who knew deep down that even though they were the main event in name, the headliners on that card were the exact same two people who were the headliners as at War. It’s funny how things have managed to come full circle here.
We finally end this six month long tale with this match Wade. We finally end the little pseudo-success you managed to get because of me. We finally get the match that probably should have happened at One, nah fuck that, I should have sensed the snake in the grass before then and snuffed you out long before. So here we are, at a completely nondescript Pay Per View, finally Wade you can say you are both main eventing and headlining this card. You are also going to be headlining all the national newspapers the next morning with your fucking eulogy.
Is it getting through to you yet Wade? You think all of this shit is a game, that you can do what you want, say you want and you can just walk away after it. You want to have fun and play with these words, well motherfucker they have apps for that. This shit is like playing hangman; your words can get you fucking killed.
You like to dance around a lot of issues, you jab and jab, but let me show you how World Champions do, I see that little bit of weakness, I see that someone has an insecurity, has an issue…I will tear it to shreds. My son died in my arms, it was a testament to my weakness. It was a testament to the man I was, a cowardly piece of shit and his spirit is what keeps me trying to improve myself every day. I don’t balk at that shit, I understand that shit. I cried, and I wept. I cry every day still, I excuse myself from dinner because I smell something that reminds me of him and yes, I cry. But don’t you ever confuse emotional with weak, I’ll cut your throat with a tear rolling down my cheek.
You though Wade, you’re a different creature entirely. From hereon I’m going to nickname you lumberjack. So lumberjack, how are you doing? You fucking snake. I’ve done everything in my power to protect the ones I love, you? Fucking lumberjack. I call you this because you’ve taken an axe to your own family tree and absolutely destroyed that shit.
I wonder what the rest of your #BeachKrew friends think about you? What this says about you as man? Fat ugly son, hated by his father, an embarrassment to his brother. I’m glad in a way about what happened. The fact you plunged that blade deep into your protector and role model with little thought is almost poetic. I think in his own little way he would thank you for that. Either he was going to die like a bitch or live like a piece of shit.
Joey smiles.
Joey: You thought you were entering this match as the ‘bad guy?’ calm down, I’ll give you that same ‘Razor’s Edge’ you gave ya fukken pops LMFAO! Yep this is recess time; I’ve taken you to school now it’s time to play with you. Your parents were fucking idiots. What type of backwards, redneck faggot family calls their children Wade and Leven? When your father spunked inside your mother did he smirk and say ‘Huh huh huh…I’m just ‘LEVEN’ this here’?
Seth holds a hand up and begins to speak.
Seth: Also, what are The Owls? I am NOT a member of this group. This is not canon. I am not a fucking cult leader/demon/monster.
Joey: Shut up, no one cares. Where did that even come from?
Seth: It was just bothering me for a while now. People need to stop using my name and position in the federation as a plot device that effectively nullifies the majority of other storylines in the federation.
Joey: I agree Seth it’s pretty pathetic, uncreative and hacky isn’t it?
Seth: If that’s the case, why am I here?
Joey: Because I’m pathetic, uncreative and hacky. Problem?
Seth: Nope. I love honesty <3.
Joey: Your poor father Wade. See it’s like we’re running through a parallel universe here, although we have a few small differences. My son died in front of me, I tried my hardest to save him, your father died in front of you, you tried your hardest to kill him. It’s a father’s duty to not outlive their son, I failed my duty and you ensured your father failed his. Theme alert: you are a fucking snake. A fucking rat, a fucking amoeba. You know what though? I’m glad your father is dead. I am glad he took his last breaths in pride knowing his son was going to be a strong man…rather than him live to see the fat ineffectual idiotic bitch he turned out to be. I’m glad he doesn’t have to see that his waste of a nut is going to be beaten with such severity that his fucking ancestors will feel it.
“M-ma-make y-y-your own f-fate, Wade. Y-y-you ha-have m-made me a pr-proud broth---er.”
What pride can you possibly give that rotting, decomposing, disappointed brother of yours?
Let me tell you what you’re going to take to your family once I’m done killing you: the fact you have been used and abused by the only friends and family you have ever had in your whole life. Jared is using you, Rabid is using you. You were the fat drunken dancing retard of the group long before Oblivion. You are so oblivious to it, it’s fucking embarrassing Wade.
You’re going to take to your family the fact that you were an okay wrestler, an okay one. You weren’t good, you weren’t particularly bad. You were just average. You will laugh about your stories until you get to the one where you lost your challenge for the World Title, where you finally got the match against Joey Flash. That’s not a funny story Wade. That’s not story time with paw. That’s the night where Wade Moor got mentally castrated and physically destroyed by a skinny wop pretty boy…and boy was it fucking beautiful. Share that one. Share that one fat boy. That can be your ‘A Material’ you give to your dead family that you brutally and systematically killed.
It’s okay though, you have a chance to prove it all against Joey Flash at Explosion. You can prove me wrong. You can prove your genetics wrong. All it takes is the ‘1-2-3’ that has existed in your dreams for the past few months. I’m going to be real with you right now. You cannot beat me. You cannot hope to even come close, under any circumstance. I could be shot in the face, hopping around on one leg with Oblivion forcefully raping me with a stuffed, but very real, duck and I would still be able to handle you with minimum effort. You’re a guy who came around at the complete right place at the right time; I earned everything I ever achieved whereas you have just waddled into whatever success you have achieved.
What did you earn? Hatred and contempt. Why does this untalented, mid card newbie get a push before everyone else? That’s how they view you. You are a nothing in this business. Now is the time for the true elite of the WCF to put down the biggest pretender to his throne. You have the prestige and accolades but fuck me, you don’t even half a third of the skill you need to back it up. Heading into any other World Title match you’d be even money, fuck it you might even be the favourite. But against Joey Flash you are nothing of the sort. Let me alter that. You are nothing. Never once have I been worried, never once have I been scared because of the fact I’m facing ‘Wade Moor’. In fact, let me give you a little something. You’ve earned it.
#1 You are not anywhere near good enough to push me to my ‘A Material’
#2 You want trade going ‘hard’? I’m as soft as your flaccid cock around any woman, ever right now.
#3 Your friends don’t like or care for you, you are a tool. Nothing more.
#4 Aliens exist.
It’s over for you Wade. Your casket is prepped; your bodybag is on deck. It’s over already. I’m just deciding what funeral march to play as I bury you next time. You’re fuckin finished, punk.
It was all quiet for a moment, until Seth finally spoke up, his legs had finished spasming, his toes had finished curling.
Seth: W-Wow.
Joey: The camera is still rolling, so let me tell you right now –
He grabs the lens and switches the focus from the multistained crotch of Seth Lerch to Joey’s face.
Joey: Titanic, you’re meeting the tip of the iceberg. You begged and whined, so I’ll let you spit the cheese in your promos, because when Joey Flash steps up you are getting the fucking ham with it. This is over already. I don’t end this shit because anyone tells me to, I don’t end this shit because of an arbitrary catchphrase. I end this when I feel my opponent has been beaten so completely, thoroughly and utterly that they have absolutely nothing left to give…that’s exactly what I feel about you.
You are a complete nobody to me. Roll up roll up. Come and watch, this is history fucking repeating itself.
Joey grins.
Joey: This is the ’86 shuttle disaster in this match…we’re going to watch the challenger crash and fucking burn.
