Post by Jack of Blades on Sept 18, 2006 18:34:44 GMT -5
(We open up on what appears to be a total void of darkness until a flashlight effect dissipates the blackness and reveals what seems to be Seth Lerch smiling while clutching a money bag in each hand.)
(V.O.) Seth Lerch: Presented by WCF Films…
(We cut to what appears to be a large bank akin to a national currency reserve. Still retaining the sense of 1920’s decorum that is usual to such places, bank-tellers hand out withdrawals through sheltered bulletproof glass. The epic foyer with its marble floor and decorative pillars suggest that this is a financial service for both a city and a facility that caters for the most opulent. While patrons looking for savings accounts and the like mill around a giant APC vehicle bursts through the near wall causing many bankers to fall down in fear. As the dust settles, one man emerges carrying a gun of considerable size. In his middle forties and carrying a stomach that seems to have increased with age and yet not large enough to warrant him as overweight, the figure’s tidy suit and respectable buzzcut hair style recommend him as man of considerable taste. The camera shows a few patrons shriek in horror as he points his rifle at them and begins to speak.)
Troy: Everybody put your hands on your head and fall to the floor.
(The camera shows the response of the hostage bankers and customers with some placing their hands on their heads and others falling to the floor.)
Troy: Ok, put your hands on your heads first and then fall to the floor.
(This just elicits more confusion as the ones who have their hands on their head fall to the floor whereas those on the floor remove themselves from it and promptly place both hands on the top of their head.)
Troy: Fuck it.
(At this, he fires his rifle in a salvo taking out the customers although from the angle that is focused on only on Troy, we cannot see the grizzly murders of these customers that were easily confused by his imperatives. We then cut to a dark, night sky overlooking a building close to rubble. Dilapidated, the building’s windows are non-existent along with the left-hand side of the structure. The grey dirtied tone of the building and the lack of any modern construction suggests that this is an area of development. The sandy roads complimenting the broken building also echo a similar sentiment that this is present within an Eastern setting. Suddenly, the sky comes alive with numerous explosions probably from launched missiles and other such projectile weapons. As these die down, some more unique types of explosions roar against the backdrop such as a firework construction of Mickie Mouse and a fiery stream that spells the words ‘Drink Coke.’ While the camera shows such things, an unseen interplay is heard between what seems to be two insurgent agents and a captured soldier.)
Insurgent 1: Fucking Americans, you think you’re so big, we gave you Freddie Mercury.
Insurgent 2: I thought it was Zanzibar.
Insurgent 1: Well, whatever…
Soldier 1: Please I don’t want to die…
Insurgent 1: Neither did Freddie Mercury but you pigs got him.
Insurgent 2: Actually, he died of…
Insurgent 1: Rammstein was right about you.
(We hear gunshots ring out.)
(Gurgling in pain) Insurgent 2: I told you we should have taken away his gun.
(After this, we witness the camera pan to the right and over the building where situated on a mountainous pile of rubble presumably placed in such a state in a strategic effort, are a team of covert operation soldiers adorned in black rappel gear and other such protective armour. However, they stand out rather well with the fact that the usual camouflage face paint employed in these scenarios has been replaced by rather familiar face-paints. The camera demonstrates the different designs by panning over the soldiers faces: a teenage mutant ninja turtle, presumably Michelangelo with an orange headband, Spider-Man, a purely tartan stripe. As it reaches the fourth and final member, it stops showing a figure watching onwards through binoculars. Removing the binoculars from obstructing the camera, we are shown that it is Jack of Blades with a camouflage face-paint similar to that of the Ultimate Warrior.)
Spider-Man Team Mate: Do we go around them?
Jack of Blades: No. We go…under them!
(An immediate cut to what appears to be the tunnel that the team have constructed with them being underground, Spider-Man and Michelangelo are busy digging with their batons while Jack of Blades watches on and turns to Tartan Team Mate.)
Jack of Blades: This reminds me of Lemmings, a bit.
Tartan Team Mate: No sir. I did not involve myself with such trivialities preferring to train myself for service for my country and flag preparing in such talents as sharp-shooting, combat martial training, terrain navigation and subterfuge.
Jack of Blades: Oooh, sorry. No need to get snooty, just when we return to base, you know, have a go at Lemmings. You like Missile Command, dontcha? Ok lads, I think that’s enough. Let’s dig up.
(We cut to what appears to be an empty street until the centre of the pavement explodes and Jack of Blades pulls his head through. The camera takes it up from his perspective and pans around revealing a squad of enemy soldiers surrounding his pothole, all armed and placing their weapons one inch away from his head. It seems that Blades and his team have dug directly into the area they were attempting to avoid.)
Jack of Blades: Bollocks.
(At this, Jack of Blades screams in rage and raises his weapon from the ground and empties bullet into bullet into those surrounding him. The soldiers fire back in retaliation and despite the range from their guns to Jack of Blades all miss as he continues to slaughter them with ease. We then cut to Blades in his usual attire sitting quite comfortably on set talking directly into the camera.)
Jack of Blades: I play a character called Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma and he is a certified badass.
(We cut to Jack of Blades once again attired as if taking part in a mission of great importance, which is seemingly common to the role of Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma. Armed with a powerful machine gun, he screams with adrenaline as he unloads round after round into an unseen enemy. Finishing off the magazine, he takes a grenade from his belt, arms it by biting the pin from its catch-release and throws it at whatever he is shooting at. A few seconds after, an explosion in the direction to which way the grenade was thrown greets Jack of Blades blowing dust all over him. He lowers his weapon with satisfaction.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Fuckin’ spider.
(We return back to Jack of Blades talking on set, out of character.)
Jack of Blades: And, due to a political snafu, he ends up being honourably discharged from military service…
(Another cut to what seems to be just a wooden door being knocked on from the other side. It soon opens with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma putting his head through the door, absently looking at the floor. Swinging it fully through the door, Jack walks through with a piece of paper.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I was just wondering whether you could approve this so I could get extended leave…
(Jack lifts his head from the documents and looks out of the camera’s angle before letting out a loud and disturbed scream at what he sees. The camera cuts showing what invoked such a reaction. It seems that Jack was disturbed by a fully-grown adult in military outfit with numerous medals attached wearing a blonde wig and applying a liberal amount of lip-stick. We cut back to Jack of Blades, eyes wide open.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I’ll just leave this hear um, General. I didn’t see a thing…so you know, we all get lonely and I’ll just go and clean the mess hall.
(Jack puts the piece of paper on a nearby table and quickly removes himself from the room through the door he entered through. We remain on the door for a few more moments before it once again opens and Jack peers his head around in a similar fashion as before looking in the direction of his transvestite superior.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I’m fired, aren’t I?
(Another cut to Jack of Blades, out of character, and on-set giving an interview.)
Jack of Blades: So, he comes back home and finds out that he’s got a good life and a great cow…
(We cut to the outside of a family bungalow on the suburbs. A small but well-kept lawn, a white picket fence, a raised post-box. The usual stuff. A taxi pulls up the drive and the back door swings open as Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven steps from it and thanks the driver for his service. Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven takes a large breath of the air of his suburban home before moving up towards his front door. The camera follows him and eventually turns to his doorway where waiting for him is an actual cow as in the kind that provides milk and is present on farmland. Another cut to Jack and the Cow in what appears to be the bedroom of the house with the cow looking non-plussed and more interested in something off-screen while Jack, in his casuals, shouts angrily at it.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I know we don’t spend as much time with each other as the Jones’ do but it’s my job! Plus, she’s easy to entertain, just give her a wildly grown patch of grass and she’s happy. But you, we have to be extravagant for! Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…how about I take you to Dairy Queen?
(We cut to what appears to be a gas station where a bright yellow Cadillac is being re-fuelled. On the bright yellow Cadillac’s bonnet, in pink bubble writing, are the words ‘Cunt Cadillac.’ Troy, the villain from the earlier scene at the bank, is in the passenger seat reading this month’s ‘Variety.’ An African-American crony of his is handling the filling of the tank while a female employee wafts around in the background. A metallic voice-over cuts in that appears to be from a police source.)
(V.O) Detective: Be on the look out for a ‘Cunt Cadillac.’ The passengers are extremely dangerous and should be approached with due caution…
(A police car pulls up at the station and the two officers remove themselves from it and move towards the Cadillac. Troy, pre-empting this, leaves his position and goes to approach them as if a normal citizen.)
Police Officer Tedson: So you’re a ‘cunt’ man?
(We cut to inside the gas station where Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma stands by a series of refrigerators where the soft drinks are kept. In one of his hands is a bottle of Pepsi and the other a Coca Cola.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Which one to get. Now the guy who goes around calling people posers says I should get Pepsi but Coca Cola has Santa Claus on their side…
(A gunshot rings from the outside of the store; Jack of Blades immediately turns round and on instinct runs towards the scene. However, a hand from one of Troy’s unseen cronies raises in Jack’s path clothes lining him over into a flip. Jack raises his head up as the camera follows into his perspective. Distorted and blurry, Jack and the camera from his P.O.V view his cow being taken hostage by Troy and his legion of criminals.)
(Weakly.) Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Mooreen!
(Metallic, distorted.) Mooreen The Cow: Moooooooooooooooooo!
(Another cut to Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma running out of the gas station and to his car only to find it smoking from the police battle with Troy from before. Looking at the strangely fine, police car he rushes into it and somehow starts the engine without any keys and gives chase. He lifts the inbuilt receiver of the police vehicle to his mouth and begins to talk into it.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: This is Jack Genericactionheronametwohundreadandthirtysevengamma of The American Association of Cub Scouts, over. Am chasing the well-armoured, trained, ruthless and dangerous bad guys without any weapon or idea where they are heading. They have a hostage…it’s my cow.
(A cut to what appears to be a police briefing room. A detective reads from a podium while a slideshow showing images of Troy, the cow and his cronies flash past behind him.)
Detective: We believe that they are going to place the cow on the illegal dairy market. Any questions?
(The camera cuts to the other side of the room where a male police officer, in uniform, has raised his hand.)
Interested Male Officer: This Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma figure. Who is he?
Detective: We believe him to be a highly trained Cub Scout with mastery and sew-on badges in Ironing, Stamp Collecting, Knitting, Swimming, Herpatology, Fishing, Canoeing and the Banjo. They are also reports that he knows the Dewey System as well as any veteran library goer.
Interested Male Officer: But is he on our side…?
Detective: He’s a renegade. A rogue. The type of rugged ruffian, who makes even me, a hardened police detective working homicide in a dystopia, just want to be cradled and loved by him, and made to feel safe…
(The other police offers look at each other with some even coughing to show their uncomfortably as the detective prefers to dream about an encounter with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma than finish the briefing. Another sudden cut to what appears to be a road-chase with Troy’s car shot apart and the windows smashed as Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven follows behind in the police vehicle.)
(Frustrated.) Troy: Will someone please shoot him?
Troy’s Lackey: What does it look like we’re doing?
Troy: Throwing soft beanbags at him while playing yahtzee.
(The camera cuts to the outside of the car where a trail of coloured bean bags lay on the road in a failed attempt to prevent Jack’s pursuit. Suddenly, the villains of the piece all scream yahtzee in unison before more soft bean bags fly in the direction of the camera and the determined Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma. The cars drive off, as the camera remains stationary before the words ‘This Summer’ flash on screen in dramatic fashion. )
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: This Summer…
(Upon saying this we have a cut to a young girl enjoying an ice cream to signify ‘summertime.’ It then cuts to the words ‘See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades…’)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades…
(We cut to what appears to be an autograph signing with Jack of Blades at a desk while a cue of people waiting for him to sign the new WCF: Boudles Vs Cool Wear video game. A cardboard cut out of Jack of Blades stands behind him recording his usual trademark smile. A patient teenage girl moves to the front and hands in her copy before the sound returns to the scene.)
Jack of Blades: What’s your name? Chikorita? As in the plant Pokemon? Chikorita? That’s a stupid name. I’m signing this to ‘Cindy.’ Your name is Cindy now.
(The words ‘As A One Man Army’ appear on the screen before showing a clip from when Jack pretended to rape Torture’s decaying and physically dead wife. After showing this captivating image, the sentence is finished off with the phrase ‘Who Never Surrenders’ come over the screen. At this, we see Jack of Blades bashing against a Coca Cola vending machine furiously.)
Jack of Blades: Give me my Coca Cola, I don’t care whether I wait here all day. I will never surrender. Give me my Coca Cola or die. Or a Pepsi. I’m not sure. I’m so confused.
(We play out as the trailer comes to an end with the phrase: ‘The Cub Scout out when Jack’s popularity is at its highest’ flashes and remains in view of the camera.)
(V.O.) Seth Lerch: Presented by WCF Films…
(We cut to what appears to be a large bank akin to a national currency reserve. Still retaining the sense of 1920’s decorum that is usual to such places, bank-tellers hand out withdrawals through sheltered bulletproof glass. The epic foyer with its marble floor and decorative pillars suggest that this is a financial service for both a city and a facility that caters for the most opulent. While patrons looking for savings accounts and the like mill around a giant APC vehicle bursts through the near wall causing many bankers to fall down in fear. As the dust settles, one man emerges carrying a gun of considerable size. In his middle forties and carrying a stomach that seems to have increased with age and yet not large enough to warrant him as overweight, the figure’s tidy suit and respectable buzzcut hair style recommend him as man of considerable taste. The camera shows a few patrons shriek in horror as he points his rifle at them and begins to speak.)
Troy: Everybody put your hands on your head and fall to the floor.
(The camera shows the response of the hostage bankers and customers with some placing their hands on their heads and others falling to the floor.)
Troy: Ok, put your hands on your heads first and then fall to the floor.
(This just elicits more confusion as the ones who have their hands on their head fall to the floor whereas those on the floor remove themselves from it and promptly place both hands on the top of their head.)
Troy: Fuck it.
(At this, he fires his rifle in a salvo taking out the customers although from the angle that is focused on only on Troy, we cannot see the grizzly murders of these customers that were easily confused by his imperatives. We then cut to a dark, night sky overlooking a building close to rubble. Dilapidated, the building’s windows are non-existent along with the left-hand side of the structure. The grey dirtied tone of the building and the lack of any modern construction suggests that this is an area of development. The sandy roads complimenting the broken building also echo a similar sentiment that this is present within an Eastern setting. Suddenly, the sky comes alive with numerous explosions probably from launched missiles and other such projectile weapons. As these die down, some more unique types of explosions roar against the backdrop such as a firework construction of Mickie Mouse and a fiery stream that spells the words ‘Drink Coke.’ While the camera shows such things, an unseen interplay is heard between what seems to be two insurgent agents and a captured soldier.)
Insurgent 1: Fucking Americans, you think you’re so big, we gave you Freddie Mercury.
Insurgent 2: I thought it was Zanzibar.
Insurgent 1: Well, whatever…
Soldier 1: Please I don’t want to die…
Insurgent 1: Neither did Freddie Mercury but you pigs got him.
Insurgent 2: Actually, he died of…
Insurgent 1: Rammstein was right about you.
(We hear gunshots ring out.)
(Gurgling in pain) Insurgent 2: I told you we should have taken away his gun.
(After this, we witness the camera pan to the right and over the building where situated on a mountainous pile of rubble presumably placed in such a state in a strategic effort, are a team of covert operation soldiers adorned in black rappel gear and other such protective armour. However, they stand out rather well with the fact that the usual camouflage face paint employed in these scenarios has been replaced by rather familiar face-paints. The camera demonstrates the different designs by panning over the soldiers faces: a teenage mutant ninja turtle, presumably Michelangelo with an orange headband, Spider-Man, a purely tartan stripe. As it reaches the fourth and final member, it stops showing a figure watching onwards through binoculars. Removing the binoculars from obstructing the camera, we are shown that it is Jack of Blades with a camouflage face-paint similar to that of the Ultimate Warrior.)
Spider-Man Team Mate: Do we go around them?
Jack of Blades: No. We go…under them!
(An immediate cut to what appears to be the tunnel that the team have constructed with them being underground, Spider-Man and Michelangelo are busy digging with their batons while Jack of Blades watches on and turns to Tartan Team Mate.)
Jack of Blades: This reminds me of Lemmings, a bit.
Tartan Team Mate: No sir. I did not involve myself with such trivialities preferring to train myself for service for my country and flag preparing in such talents as sharp-shooting, combat martial training, terrain navigation and subterfuge.
Jack of Blades: Oooh, sorry. No need to get snooty, just when we return to base, you know, have a go at Lemmings. You like Missile Command, dontcha? Ok lads, I think that’s enough. Let’s dig up.
(We cut to what appears to be an empty street until the centre of the pavement explodes and Jack of Blades pulls his head through. The camera takes it up from his perspective and pans around revealing a squad of enemy soldiers surrounding his pothole, all armed and placing their weapons one inch away from his head. It seems that Blades and his team have dug directly into the area they were attempting to avoid.)
Jack of Blades: Bollocks.
(At this, Jack of Blades screams in rage and raises his weapon from the ground and empties bullet into bullet into those surrounding him. The soldiers fire back in retaliation and despite the range from their guns to Jack of Blades all miss as he continues to slaughter them with ease. We then cut to Blades in his usual attire sitting quite comfortably on set talking directly into the camera.)
Jack of Blades: I play a character called Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma and he is a certified badass.
(We cut to Jack of Blades once again attired as if taking part in a mission of great importance, which is seemingly common to the role of Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma. Armed with a powerful machine gun, he screams with adrenaline as he unloads round after round into an unseen enemy. Finishing off the magazine, he takes a grenade from his belt, arms it by biting the pin from its catch-release and throws it at whatever he is shooting at. A few seconds after, an explosion in the direction to which way the grenade was thrown greets Jack of Blades blowing dust all over him. He lowers his weapon with satisfaction.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Fuckin’ spider.
(We return back to Jack of Blades talking on set, out of character.)
Jack of Blades: And, due to a political snafu, he ends up being honourably discharged from military service…
(Another cut to what seems to be just a wooden door being knocked on from the other side. It soon opens with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma putting his head through the door, absently looking at the floor. Swinging it fully through the door, Jack walks through with a piece of paper.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I was just wondering whether you could approve this so I could get extended leave…
(Jack lifts his head from the documents and looks out of the camera’s angle before letting out a loud and disturbed scream at what he sees. The camera cuts showing what invoked such a reaction. It seems that Jack was disturbed by a fully-grown adult in military outfit with numerous medals attached wearing a blonde wig and applying a liberal amount of lip-stick. We cut back to Jack of Blades, eyes wide open.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I’ll just leave this hear um, General. I didn’t see a thing…so you know, we all get lonely and I’ll just go and clean the mess hall.
(Jack puts the piece of paper on a nearby table and quickly removes himself from the room through the door he entered through. We remain on the door for a few more moments before it once again opens and Jack peers his head around in a similar fashion as before looking in the direction of his transvestite superior.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I’m fired, aren’t I?
(Another cut to Jack of Blades, out of character, and on-set giving an interview.)
Jack of Blades: So, he comes back home and finds out that he’s got a good life and a great cow…
(We cut to the outside of a family bungalow on the suburbs. A small but well-kept lawn, a white picket fence, a raised post-box. The usual stuff. A taxi pulls up the drive and the back door swings open as Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven steps from it and thanks the driver for his service. Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven takes a large breath of the air of his suburban home before moving up towards his front door. The camera follows him and eventually turns to his doorway where waiting for him is an actual cow as in the kind that provides milk and is present on farmland. Another cut to Jack and the Cow in what appears to be the bedroom of the house with the cow looking non-plussed and more interested in something off-screen while Jack, in his casuals, shouts angrily at it.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: I know we don’t spend as much time with each other as the Jones’ do but it’s my job! Plus, she’s easy to entertain, just give her a wildly grown patch of grass and she’s happy. But you, we have to be extravagant for! Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…how about I take you to Dairy Queen?
(We cut to what appears to be a gas station where a bright yellow Cadillac is being re-fuelled. On the bright yellow Cadillac’s bonnet, in pink bubble writing, are the words ‘Cunt Cadillac.’ Troy, the villain from the earlier scene at the bank, is in the passenger seat reading this month’s ‘Variety.’ An African-American crony of his is handling the filling of the tank while a female employee wafts around in the background. A metallic voice-over cuts in that appears to be from a police source.)
(V.O) Detective: Be on the look out for a ‘Cunt Cadillac.’ The passengers are extremely dangerous and should be approached with due caution…
(A police car pulls up at the station and the two officers remove themselves from it and move towards the Cadillac. Troy, pre-empting this, leaves his position and goes to approach them as if a normal citizen.)
Police Officer Tedson: So you’re a ‘cunt’ man?
(We cut to inside the gas station where Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma stands by a series of refrigerators where the soft drinks are kept. In one of his hands is a bottle of Pepsi and the other a Coca Cola.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Which one to get. Now the guy who goes around calling people posers says I should get Pepsi but Coca Cola has Santa Claus on their side…
(A gunshot rings from the outside of the store; Jack of Blades immediately turns round and on instinct runs towards the scene. However, a hand from one of Troy’s unseen cronies raises in Jack’s path clothes lining him over into a flip. Jack raises his head up as the camera follows into his perspective. Distorted and blurry, Jack and the camera from his P.O.V view his cow being taken hostage by Troy and his legion of criminals.)
(Weakly.) Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: Mooreen!
(Metallic, distorted.) Mooreen The Cow: Moooooooooooooooooo!
(Another cut to Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma running out of the gas station and to his car only to find it smoking from the police battle with Troy from before. Looking at the strangely fine, police car he rushes into it and somehow starts the engine without any keys and gives chase. He lifts the inbuilt receiver of the police vehicle to his mouth and begins to talk into it.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: This is Jack Genericactionheronametwohundreadandthirtysevengamma of The American Association of Cub Scouts, over. Am chasing the well-armoured, trained, ruthless and dangerous bad guys without any weapon or idea where they are heading. They have a hostage…it’s my cow.
(A cut to what appears to be a police briefing room. A detective reads from a podium while a slideshow showing images of Troy, the cow and his cronies flash past behind him.)
Detective: We believe that they are going to place the cow on the illegal dairy market. Any questions?
(The camera cuts to the other side of the room where a male police officer, in uniform, has raised his hand.)
Interested Male Officer: This Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma figure. Who is he?
Detective: We believe him to be a highly trained Cub Scout with mastery and sew-on badges in Ironing, Stamp Collecting, Knitting, Swimming, Herpatology, Fishing, Canoeing and the Banjo. They are also reports that he knows the Dewey System as well as any veteran library goer.
Interested Male Officer: But is he on our side…?
Detective: He’s a renegade. A rogue. The type of rugged ruffian, who makes even me, a hardened police detective working homicide in a dystopia, just want to be cradled and loved by him, and made to feel safe…
(The other police offers look at each other with some even coughing to show their uncomfortably as the detective prefers to dream about an encounter with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma than finish the briefing. Another sudden cut to what appears to be a road-chase with Troy’s car shot apart and the windows smashed as Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtyseven follows behind in the police vehicle.)
(Frustrated.) Troy: Will someone please shoot him?
Troy’s Lackey: What does it look like we’re doing?
Troy: Throwing soft beanbags at him while playing yahtzee.
(The camera cuts to the outside of the car where a trail of coloured bean bags lay on the road in a failed attempt to prevent Jack’s pursuit. Suddenly, the villains of the piece all scream yahtzee in unison before more soft bean bags fly in the direction of the camera and the determined Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma. The cars drive off, as the camera remains stationary before the words ‘This Summer’ flash on screen in dramatic fashion. )
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: This Summer…
(Upon saying this we have a cut to a young girl enjoying an ice cream to signify ‘summertime.’ It then cuts to the words ‘See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades…’)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades…
(We cut to what appears to be an autograph signing with Jack of Blades at a desk while a cue of people waiting for him to sign the new WCF: Boudles Vs Cool Wear video game. A cardboard cut out of Jack of Blades stands behind him recording his usual trademark smile. A patient teenage girl moves to the front and hands in her copy before the sound returns to the scene.)
Jack of Blades: What’s your name? Chikorita? As in the plant Pokemon? Chikorita? That’s a stupid name. I’m signing this to ‘Cindy.’ Your name is Cindy now.
(The words ‘As A One Man Army’ appear on the screen before showing a clip from when Jack pretended to rape Torture’s decaying and physically dead wife. After showing this captivating image, the sentence is finished off with the phrase ‘Who Never Surrenders’ come over the screen. At this, we see Jack of Blades bashing against a Coca Cola vending machine furiously.)
Jack of Blades: Give me my Coca Cola, I don’t care whether I wait here all day. I will never surrender. Give me my Coca Cola or die. Or a Pepsi. I’m not sure. I’m so confused.
(We play out as the trailer comes to an end with the phrase: ‘The Cub Scout out when Jack’s popularity is at its highest’ flashes and remains in view of the camera.)
