Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2007 2:14:03 GMT -5
(What is your defense when a diadem is eroding your self-respect? May we fly toward a wayward sun without the mechanical drone of manmade contortions? I don't know what you came to do, but I came to PRAAAAAAISEEEEE his name!!!! Ya dig me? We back up in this heeezy one more time and this time we kicking a lil something like this: Imagine a man of great talent and ability, a man who is capable of seemingly limitless brilliance. Imagine that this man performs on a stage for the entire world to see. Imagine that this man is also frequently preoccupied with his deeply flawed mental state. Unfortunately, this description would fit many fallen stars in the history of our great nation. Among them are Mike Tyson, Michael Jackson and Katie Couric. This would also be a fitting description of WCF's own Bobby Cairo. Cairo is a technical genius inside of the wresting ring. Alas, Cairo is also a deeply disturbed young man outside of the squared circle. In the ten months since Cairo's WCF World Championship victory, Cairo's behavior has been nothing short of criminal. Cairo has committed such crimes as drunken disorderly conduct, misdemeanor possession of narcotics, first-degree assault, kidnapping and transporting a victim across state lines (a federal offense), and attempted murder in the first degree. What has been Cairo's punishment for his actions? Well, as he is a famous athlete, he's spent only a couple of nights in jail and paid a few fines. Although the legal system has failed to punish Cairo, the wrestling community has not been nearly as kind. Cairo's status among the fans, critics, and superstars of the sport of kings has dropped significantly. Once hailed as a promising newcomer, Cairo has been dropped from the main event scene since losing the World Title and has yet to regain the form that made him a champion. Cairo's recent feud with fellow WCF star Lawnmower Jones has proven Cairo to be as unstable as ever before. The aforementioned kidnapping and attempted murder of Jones' wife Lonnie have been the latest entries in a long line of bizarre and illicit criminal acts by Cairo. Yet as this Sunday's War pay-per-view extravaganza draws nearer, Cairo has displayed a lucid serenity that we have not come to expect from the former champion.)
BOBBY CAIRO: I've been thinking about War a lot lately. The format of the match is absolutely brutal. The skill and tenacity of my opponents is unparalleled. This will be the toughest match of my career. That's why I've been wondering, what would my life be like if I won this match? What would it mean for my career if I won the War? I can tell you right now that I would become the toast of the entire wrestling industry. I would appear on the front page of every wrestling publication in the world. I would get multi-million dollar contract offers from rival promotions. I would be offered a guest appearance on the Sarah Silverman Show. That, my friends, would be sweet redemption for Bobby Cairo. After all of the criticism that I've endured, I would love to prove everybody wrong about me. I would love to shut everybody up once and for all. People have said that my WCF World Championship title reign was a fluke and an embarrassment to this company. People have said that my behavior was unbecoming of a champion. They've said that my loss to JJ Biggs in my very first title defense was evidence of my mediocrity. I've also received criticism from many of the WCF veterans. Creeping Death has called me a nobody, an afterthought. Biggs has called me a joke and a disgrace to wrestling. I don't remember exactly what the dearly departed Tommy Havock said about me, but I'm sure that it wasn't nice! The point is that I have to a lot to prove. I have to prove to the fans, to my colleagues and to myself that Bobby Cairo is no joke and no fluke! I don't want my potential to be wasted. I want to push my abilities to the limit and make the most of my opportunity at War!
(Such are the words of a desperate man who is grasping to turn back the clock. Are Cairo's best days behind him or have they yet to be realized? Can a man who has experienced so much self-created turbulence possibly compose himself for one more run at glory? The cynic in all of us believes that Cairo deserves to fail. We also believe that Cairo is a miserable piece of shit and a washed-up nobody. We would like to skin Cairo alive as his screams for mercy are drowned out by the sounds of rusty chainsaws. None of those facts change the reality that Cairo is a gifted performer, but we must still ask the question: Is Cairo gifted enough to overcome not just his self-created obstacles, but the obstacle of nineteen world-class opponents?)
BOBBY CAIRO: Wrestling fans all over the world have asked me the question, "Can you stay out of your own damn way long enough to become a champion?" I've always told those people to go fuck themselves, but the truth is that they're asking a very poignant question. I have often painted myself into a corner. That's not to say that I would have won every match that I've ever wrestled, because there have been nights when I was not the better man. However, I would have a much more accomplished body of work if I had kept myself together and not been distracted by all this other nonsense. I truly believe that I would have beaten JJ Biggs to retain the World Title. I also believe that I would have beaten JJ Biggs and Shaun Sexton to capture the WCF Television Championship. I'm not making excuses for my performance in those matches, but I do believe that I let myself down. I believe that I was capable of much greater things. If I were to grade my overall performance in WCF since my debut, I would have to give myself an INC for incomplete. I don't want to reach the same lows as Scott Hall, but I also admit that I have yet to reach the same heights as Scott Hall. What I'm saying is that I have yet to capture the entire wrestling audience in the palm of my hand. I have yet to perform at a truly classic level. Believe me, when I look back at my brief career, I see a shitload of missed opportunities. But maybe it's time for me to turn that corner. I'm not suggesting that I become a white bread, vanilla, Chris Benoit type of wrestler. Lord knows I'm not as gifted in the ring or as boring on the ring as Benoit. What I am suggesting is that I can finally put all of the pieces together. I can move like a demon on the dancefloor and fight with the heart of the Ultimate Warrior inside the wrestling ring. I can be a truly bad guy without giving people the satisfaction of seeing me fall flat on my attractive face! I can be like Ted DiBiase or Trish Stratus!
(The very sound of Cairo's voice has become the bane of our existence. We want him dead and we don't care about the consequences. If they wish to throw us in jail for the rest of our lives, then so be it. Cairo must die and he must die quickly. He doesn't deserve to suffer, he doesn't deserve to become a martyr like Jesus Christ or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Cairo should meet his end by way of the assassin's bullet. We could get him on his way out of an X-rated movie theater. We could get him on his way out of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We could even get him as he's slipping into the tub for a nice, warm bath. Oh yes, wouldn't that be ironic? His scented bath oils and incense would combine with the smell of his bloated, decaying corpse. What a funky decorum that would provide! We hate Cairo because he is sub-human slime. Cairo is the worst person to ever inhabit planet Earth.)
BOBBY CAIRO: Will I dare to rise above the fanning flames of hatred spawned forth by my enemies? Only time will tell, but don't be surprised if Cairo goes out there and shocks the world one more time. People hate Rick Pitino, yet Pitino is successful at his job. People hate Sammy Hagar, yet he is successful at his job. Why can't Cairo follow in the footsteps of those great men? I want to be like Ty Cobb. Ty Cobb was a murderer, a womanizer, a bigot and a Hall of Fame baseball player. I want Bobby Cairo to be the biggest scumbag and the greatest wrestler in history! That would make be happy. I call myself the Man of the Hour because I feel that I am truly the world's greatest entertainer. When I step inside a wrestling ring, you know that you're gonna get your money's worth. I hate the fans and I would kill every single one of them, but I will never shortchange them. I enjoy hurting people too much to suddenly stop caring about the competition. If I'm playing, then I'm winning! Ya understand me?
(What the fuck is Cairo talking about? Does Cairo actually believe that he has a chance to win the War? Cairo is a career choke artist. Cairo in a big match is like A-Rod in the post-season: all-talk, no-game. Cairo should step down to north-central Baltimore and get his ass served by a real man like Big Bruno DeSalvio or Locust Boy Martinez. Cairo will understand the meaning of pain once he gets fucked hard in the asshole. Those will be joyous days when Cairo's reign of terror upon the United States and international territories is depleted and flushed down the toilet like so much spoiled oatmeal.)
BOBBY CAIRO: On Sunday night at War, I will be stepping into the ring with certain individuals that I am tired of seeing, tired of hearing, and wish death upon. Lawnmower Jones is a man that really makes me want to pick up my television and throw it through the fucking window. I can't stand Jones and I want him dead so bad. Jones has taken my life away from me and turned me into a hideous, deformed freak! Jones, you will pay for your crimes against humanity, you goddamn slime! Next on my hate list is JJ Biggs, JJ Biggs ended my only title reign here in WCF. Biggs is also the biggest pile of shit to ever be shit out of a Mexican's asshole. Biggs, I hope that you walk in front of a speeding bus and get splattered across the pavement like a rat under a rhinoceros. God will kill you, Biggs, and if he doesn't I will! I now turn my attention to Outcast. Let me ask you a question, Outcast: Is the People's Title even recognized by the WCF Championship Committee? I mean, did you make a phony belt just so you could call yourself a champion? You must be getting desperate these days, Outcast. I will enjoy slicing your head open with a variety of serrated objects. Finally, that brings me to Biohazard. Biohazard, you are the fastest rising star in this business. Many people regard you as the odds on favorite in this match. You will be my toughest competition in the War match. If I beat you, Biohazard, then I can finally call myself the greatest wrestler in the world.
(Biohazard is the single greatest specimen that I have ever seen in my life. Biohazard is like a God among legends and a Happy Meal for all of the human beings to enjoy. I think that Biohazard should kick everybody's punk asses and then win the WCF World Championship. I'm tired of stupid motherfuckers being pushed to the main event only to drag down the television ratings and hold down the true talent. Bobby Cairo sucks and should be killed and the same goes for everybody not named Biohazard. Everybody else can go die in a river in Missouri with a rope and farm implements.)
BOBBY CAIRO: My final thoughts going into the War match are nothing special. I want to let everybody know that I will never be the same after this match is over. Regardless of whether I win or lose, I will transform into a different type of creature. I will be more violent and distrusting than ever before. I will flip out on the ring announcer and choke him to death with his bow tie. I will plant explosive devices in the locker room area in an effort to murder my coworkers here in the WCF. I will sever the brakeline of your Mercedes SL5500, Mr. Biggs. I am threatening the lives of every member of the WCF from the wrestlers, to the staff, to the fans, all the way to Seth Lerch himself. There is nothing that anybody can do to stop me, because my contract allows me to do whatever I want without consequence. If I never get a chance to regain the WCF World Champion, I can still go around hurting people. At the end of the day, isn’t wreaking havoc upon everybody the most important thing?
(Cairo is indeed at his most focused and dangerous that I have seen him. He is ready and primed to make a run for the War match. I wouldn't be surprised if Cairo matches his idol Bob Backlund's world record for most time spent in a battle royal type match and then gets eliminated at the end by some shithead like Doink the Clown or Kama the Supreme Fighting Machine. That would be funny LOL!!!!!!)
BOBBY CAIRO: I've been thinking about War a lot lately. The format of the match is absolutely brutal. The skill and tenacity of my opponents is unparalleled. This will be the toughest match of my career. That's why I've been wondering, what would my life be like if I won this match? What would it mean for my career if I won the War? I can tell you right now that I would become the toast of the entire wrestling industry. I would appear on the front page of every wrestling publication in the world. I would get multi-million dollar contract offers from rival promotions. I would be offered a guest appearance on the Sarah Silverman Show. That, my friends, would be sweet redemption for Bobby Cairo. After all of the criticism that I've endured, I would love to prove everybody wrong about me. I would love to shut everybody up once and for all. People have said that my WCF World Championship title reign was a fluke and an embarrassment to this company. People have said that my behavior was unbecoming of a champion. They've said that my loss to JJ Biggs in my very first title defense was evidence of my mediocrity. I've also received criticism from many of the WCF veterans. Creeping Death has called me a nobody, an afterthought. Biggs has called me a joke and a disgrace to wrestling. I don't remember exactly what the dearly departed Tommy Havock said about me, but I'm sure that it wasn't nice! The point is that I have to a lot to prove. I have to prove to the fans, to my colleagues and to myself that Bobby Cairo is no joke and no fluke! I don't want my potential to be wasted. I want to push my abilities to the limit and make the most of my opportunity at War!
(Such are the words of a desperate man who is grasping to turn back the clock. Are Cairo's best days behind him or have they yet to be realized? Can a man who has experienced so much self-created turbulence possibly compose himself for one more run at glory? The cynic in all of us believes that Cairo deserves to fail. We also believe that Cairo is a miserable piece of shit and a washed-up nobody. We would like to skin Cairo alive as his screams for mercy are drowned out by the sounds of rusty chainsaws. None of those facts change the reality that Cairo is a gifted performer, but we must still ask the question: Is Cairo gifted enough to overcome not just his self-created obstacles, but the obstacle of nineteen world-class opponents?)
BOBBY CAIRO: Wrestling fans all over the world have asked me the question, "Can you stay out of your own damn way long enough to become a champion?" I've always told those people to go fuck themselves, but the truth is that they're asking a very poignant question. I have often painted myself into a corner. That's not to say that I would have won every match that I've ever wrestled, because there have been nights when I was not the better man. However, I would have a much more accomplished body of work if I had kept myself together and not been distracted by all this other nonsense. I truly believe that I would have beaten JJ Biggs to retain the World Title. I also believe that I would have beaten JJ Biggs and Shaun Sexton to capture the WCF Television Championship. I'm not making excuses for my performance in those matches, but I do believe that I let myself down. I believe that I was capable of much greater things. If I were to grade my overall performance in WCF since my debut, I would have to give myself an INC for incomplete. I don't want to reach the same lows as Scott Hall, but I also admit that I have yet to reach the same heights as Scott Hall. What I'm saying is that I have yet to capture the entire wrestling audience in the palm of my hand. I have yet to perform at a truly classic level. Believe me, when I look back at my brief career, I see a shitload of missed opportunities. But maybe it's time for me to turn that corner. I'm not suggesting that I become a white bread, vanilla, Chris Benoit type of wrestler. Lord knows I'm not as gifted in the ring or as boring on the ring as Benoit. What I am suggesting is that I can finally put all of the pieces together. I can move like a demon on the dancefloor and fight with the heart of the Ultimate Warrior inside the wrestling ring. I can be a truly bad guy without giving people the satisfaction of seeing me fall flat on my attractive face! I can be like Ted DiBiase or Trish Stratus!
(The very sound of Cairo's voice has become the bane of our existence. We want him dead and we don't care about the consequences. If they wish to throw us in jail for the rest of our lives, then so be it. Cairo must die and he must die quickly. He doesn't deserve to suffer, he doesn't deserve to become a martyr like Jesus Christ or Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Cairo should meet his end by way of the assassin's bullet. We could get him on his way out of an X-rated movie theater. We could get him on his way out of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We could even get him as he's slipping into the tub for a nice, warm bath. Oh yes, wouldn't that be ironic? His scented bath oils and incense would combine with the smell of his bloated, decaying corpse. What a funky decorum that would provide! We hate Cairo because he is sub-human slime. Cairo is the worst person to ever inhabit planet Earth.)
BOBBY CAIRO: Will I dare to rise above the fanning flames of hatred spawned forth by my enemies? Only time will tell, but don't be surprised if Cairo goes out there and shocks the world one more time. People hate Rick Pitino, yet Pitino is successful at his job. People hate Sammy Hagar, yet he is successful at his job. Why can't Cairo follow in the footsteps of those great men? I want to be like Ty Cobb. Ty Cobb was a murderer, a womanizer, a bigot and a Hall of Fame baseball player. I want Bobby Cairo to be the biggest scumbag and the greatest wrestler in history! That would make be happy. I call myself the Man of the Hour because I feel that I am truly the world's greatest entertainer. When I step inside a wrestling ring, you know that you're gonna get your money's worth. I hate the fans and I would kill every single one of them, but I will never shortchange them. I enjoy hurting people too much to suddenly stop caring about the competition. If I'm playing, then I'm winning! Ya understand me?
(What the fuck is Cairo talking about? Does Cairo actually believe that he has a chance to win the War? Cairo is a career choke artist. Cairo in a big match is like A-Rod in the post-season: all-talk, no-game. Cairo should step down to north-central Baltimore and get his ass served by a real man like Big Bruno DeSalvio or Locust Boy Martinez. Cairo will understand the meaning of pain once he gets fucked hard in the asshole. Those will be joyous days when Cairo's reign of terror upon the United States and international territories is depleted and flushed down the toilet like so much spoiled oatmeal.)
BOBBY CAIRO: On Sunday night at War, I will be stepping into the ring with certain individuals that I am tired of seeing, tired of hearing, and wish death upon. Lawnmower Jones is a man that really makes me want to pick up my television and throw it through the fucking window. I can't stand Jones and I want him dead so bad. Jones has taken my life away from me and turned me into a hideous, deformed freak! Jones, you will pay for your crimes against humanity, you goddamn slime! Next on my hate list is JJ Biggs, JJ Biggs ended my only title reign here in WCF. Biggs is also the biggest pile of shit to ever be shit out of a Mexican's asshole. Biggs, I hope that you walk in front of a speeding bus and get splattered across the pavement like a rat under a rhinoceros. God will kill you, Biggs, and if he doesn't I will! I now turn my attention to Outcast. Let me ask you a question, Outcast: Is the People's Title even recognized by the WCF Championship Committee? I mean, did you make a phony belt just so you could call yourself a champion? You must be getting desperate these days, Outcast. I will enjoy slicing your head open with a variety of serrated objects. Finally, that brings me to Biohazard. Biohazard, you are the fastest rising star in this business. Many people regard you as the odds on favorite in this match. You will be my toughest competition in the War match. If I beat you, Biohazard, then I can finally call myself the greatest wrestler in the world.
(Biohazard is the single greatest specimen that I have ever seen in my life. Biohazard is like a God among legends and a Happy Meal for all of the human beings to enjoy. I think that Biohazard should kick everybody's punk asses and then win the WCF World Championship. I'm tired of stupid motherfuckers being pushed to the main event only to drag down the television ratings and hold down the true talent. Bobby Cairo sucks and should be killed and the same goes for everybody not named Biohazard. Everybody else can go die in a river in Missouri with a rope and farm implements.)
BOBBY CAIRO: My final thoughts going into the War match are nothing special. I want to let everybody know that I will never be the same after this match is over. Regardless of whether I win or lose, I will transform into a different type of creature. I will be more violent and distrusting than ever before. I will flip out on the ring announcer and choke him to death with his bow tie. I will plant explosive devices in the locker room area in an effort to murder my coworkers here in the WCF. I will sever the brakeline of your Mercedes SL5500, Mr. Biggs. I am threatening the lives of every member of the WCF from the wrestlers, to the staff, to the fans, all the way to Seth Lerch himself. There is nothing that anybody can do to stop me, because my contract allows me to do whatever I want without consequence. If I never get a chance to regain the WCF World Champion, I can still go around hurting people. At the end of the day, isn’t wreaking havoc upon everybody the most important thing?
(Cairo is indeed at his most focused and dangerous that I have seen him. He is ready and primed to make a run for the War match. I wouldn't be surprised if Cairo matches his idol Bob Backlund's world record for most time spent in a battle royal type match and then gets eliminated at the end by some shithead like Doink the Clown or Kama the Supreme Fighting Machine. That would be funny LOL!!!!!!)
