Andre Jenson and the Prisoner of I-Dont-Give-A-Damn

[Lilith]

Andre Jenson and the Prisoner of I-Dont-Give-A-Damn
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When I’m down and feeling low there is only one place for me to go… and that is to come here to talk to you magic box. No one has ever understood me the way you always have, no one has even cared about me as much as you. Not Charon, or Daggy, or Morrigana or even Sarah or Logi Bear. How sad is that? The two peoples I have loved most in my life… Sarah Teddy and Logi Bear and neither of them even care about me. Logi just always viewed me as nothing more than a sandwich maker and someone to occasionally cook his hotdog when he was in the mood… and Sarah Teddy… well… I don’t even know how she views me. She probably just sees me as someone who is always just there trying her hardest to fit in, to be successful and make friends but just never quite being good enough to be worth a damn. And this is my own “family”… how do you think the rest of the world views me?

See the truth is, magic box… I’m just bored. I’m bored and super tired of being “a bad guy”. I always try and do the right thing but no matter how hard I try… it always comes back and hits me square in the face. I don’t even know why. But maybe just one time I can do something good, do something right and peoples will look at me like “you knows what? Maybe Kat isn’t as bad as I thought she was”. I mean I know that I’ll never be looked at in the same way Mighty Mouse is with his cute peoples title and stuffs but I know that deep inside… deep in my heart I am more than just Logi Bears sandwich maker… I knows deep in my heart there is good in there. Pureness. Maybe even a bit of innocence… I just need someone to see that in me and not always look at me in such a bad light.

You knows I was thinking about it the other day when I was watching one of those superhero movies… would I be one of the peoples to go all grrrrrrrrr and want nothing more than to see the world burn down into nothing but a pile of ash… or would I be the kinda girl who would stand against that kinda person and stick up for the weak and innocent? I think I’d be the hero of that story… or at least I hope I would be. I’m not stupid, magic box… I know that everyone looks at me like I’m the villain but all it will take is just one time, right? Just one time for me to FINALLY get it right… and then maybe then I will actually be liked, genuinely liked. Not just liked because of my looks or because of my sandwich making abilities or cos I’m supposedly an “easy lay”. NO! Genuinely liked because I finally managed to get my shit together, pull up my little socks and be like “you know what? I’m not going to stand by and watch this meanness anymore! Imma do the right thing and save the day!”… and then finally everyone would cheer me. No more boos. No more mean looks. Just me, Kat Phoenix… the hero. The savior of the WCF. Wouldn’t that be great?

So anyway this week I’m facing Andre Jenson in a one on one match, do you know who that is? No? Yeahhhhhhh I’m not really too sure who he is either. I mean I know he’s a wizard and can cast spells and stuffs but what else? What house was he in? Does he have a cat? Or a magic broomstick? I don’t know. Maybe he’ll tell me. I wonder if Sarah knows him? Although I knows she was in Slytherin and he’s a good guy so he will have been in Gryffindor I think… so those two would have probably been enemies. I hope that she wasn’t too mean to him back then…

But anyway yeah here’s the thing… before, back when I was “bad” I would have been all like “Roar roar roar Andre Jenson doesn’t scare me! He can bring his fancy wizard spells, and his magic wand, and cute little robes, and all that jazz and I will snap his neck like a pencil. He doesn’t scare me, I will fill his heart up with darkness and turn him all grrrrrrrr and then all his little wizard friends will cry and run away whilst he turns his wand on them and blasts them all into tiny little pieces of yuckiness!”

See how bad is that? I would have said something like that too. But now? Now even I think that’s wrong and mean… and it just makes me feel all bad on the inside to even think about how I would have said something like that. Andre Jenson is a nice guy and I’m sure we could have A LOT of fun together! He could maybe teach me some magic and show me around his fantasy land place… and I could introduce him to my teddy bears! …Although they probably wouldn’t like him very much… they don’t tend to take kindly to strangers, especially not men. They’d probably tell me to do mean things to him and like hurt him and stuff… but I wouldn’t listen. No no no… Jenson is my friend! I don’t want to hurt him! I’d tell them to shhhhhhh their noise and be nice and hopefully they’d listen to me… I really really hope they will like him though. I just know I could be good friends with Jenson Bear… he’d be nice to me, right? He wouldn’t want to hurt me… right? Magic box?

Katherine looked around quite confused unsure why the magic box was no longer responding to her. Katherine looked at her surroundings, she was sat in her car in the middle of a fast food restaurants drive thru. Next to her was one of those fancy talk box thinggys in which you place you order.

Magic Box: Ummmmmm ma’am are you going to be ordering any food today?

Katherine: What are you talking about, magic box? Why would I want any food?

Magic Box: Ma’am I’m going to have to ask you to move along if you don’t order any food.

Katherine sighed as she looked at the magic box.

Katherine: But I don’t have time to eat foods right now, magic box. I need to get ready for the match I was telling you about. Remember? I’m facing that wizard guy, Jenson.

Magic Box: Well good luck with that.

Katherine smiled brightly at the magic box.

Katherine: Thanks! I’ll come back later to let you know how the match goes.

Magic Box: Okay--- wait no don’t do that!

Katherine wasn’t listening, she had already slammed her foot down onto the gas peddle and had zoomed out of the car park, running over a few trashcans and almost crashing straight into the oncoming traffic. Katherine continued driving down the highway as she fiddled around with her hands free telephone system, eventually finding “Sarah Teddy” amongst the list of names she pressed the green button and the phone started to ring. Sarah eventually answered the phone.

Sarah: Hello?

Katherine: HEY SARE BEAR!!! Its me, Kat.

Sarah: What do you want Lilith?

Katherine: No, no… Kat! Not Lilith. I don’t even know who that is.

Sarah: Whatever. What do you want? I don’t have time for this.

Katherine: Well you know I have that match with Andre Jenson this week?

Sarah: What about it?

Katherine: Well I was hoping you could give me some advice with my match.

Sarah: Oh so you’re finally taking a match seriously? Well done, Lilith.

Katherine: Kat! And thanks. Ummmmmmm but yes of course I’m taking my match seriously. He’s a wizard, right? And I’m a… what do you two call it? A muggle? Is that the right word?

Sarah: Oh for fucks sake not this again…

Katherine: Shhhhhhh, shhhhhh! Let me finish. Anyway so you’re all magical and stuffs, right? You know how to cast spells and you’re trained in like defence against the dark arts and ummmmmm… you could probably help me create some potions which would help me combat whatever Jenson tries to use against me, right?

Sarah: Katherine for the last time I am not that type of witch.

Katherine: But you are magical, right? Like errrrrr dark magic and stuffs?

Sarah: Yes but none of that Harry Potter bullshit.

Katherine: I know, I know... you don't like him. You're a Slitherin. Not many of them do like him I don't think...

Sarah: Listen bitch I am extremely busy. What the fuck do you want?

Katherine looked extremely sad as she looked at her car phone with tears now coming into her eyes.

Katherine: You don't have to be like that, Sare Bear... I was only going to ask if I should like get a magic wand and like learn some magic stuffs to be able to fight Jenson properly.

Sarah: Do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care.

Katherine grinned at her car phone.

Katherine: Really? Whatever I want? You mean that?

Sarah: Yes I could not give less of a shit.

Katherine: Oh nice. In that case I'll come and see you soon for a... Ummmmm... little catch up.

Katherine winked at her car phone.

Sarah: What?! No! Katherine that's not what I meant!

Another call started to come in interrupting whatever it was Sarah was now saying. Katherine looked at her screen and saw a little picture of Logan come up.

Katherine: I've got to go, Sare Bear. I see you later.

Sarah: No---

Katherine ended the call with Sarah and took the call from Logan.

Katherine: Hi Logi Bear.

Logan: Sandwich?

Katherine: What?

Logan: Have you made your king a sandwich?

Katherine sighed.

Katherine: No Logan! I have been far too busy today! Can you not make your own sandwiches for once?

Logan: Unbelievable!

Katherine: What?

Logan: Lord Treachery does not make his own sandwiches you dumb whore! Who do you think you are?! Unbelievable!

Katherine: Ask Morrigana to make you a sandwich then I'm busy!

Logan: Fine I will. Maybe she will actually appreciate THIS!

Katherine couldn't see what Logan was referring to but she knew that he had just pelvic thrusted into his phone.

Katherine: Uh huh. Anyway I'll see you later Logi Bear.

Logan: Wait!

Katherine: What?

Logan: You're a dumb whore.

Katherine sighed again as Logan hung up the phone. She didn't like it when Logan was like that with her. Why couldn't he ever just be nice to her? Just call her up and just ask her how she was or how she was feeling or something. It made her very very sad to think that she would never be the kind of girl who had a boyfriend sweet enough to just call her only to hear her voice. That was all she ever wanted and she knew it was something she would never get.

After several hours of bad driving Katherine finally arrived at her destination... Universal Studios, Orlando. It made her kind of sad that she was here all alone but she had a job to do so she tried her hardest not to let her emotions get to her.

After a short while of queuing up to enter the park, Katherine pushed her way through the guests enjoying their day out and made her way down towards Harry Potter World. It was just as magical as she imagined it'd be. Wizards, witches and muggles all interacting with each other, Harry Potter had done a great job bringing peace throughout the world.

Katherine located a wizard who looked like he knew what he was doing and walked over to him. The guy immediately got all shy that such a good looking woman was approaching him and blushed quite a bit. Katherine grinned brightly into his face as the nerd continued to look all shy.

Katherine: Ummmmmm hi! You don't happen to know of a wizard called Jenson do you?

The nerd tried his absolute hardest not to look down at Katherines chest, despite her pushing it out as far as she could standing all sultry like she was.

Nerd: Jenson? Do you mean Lord Jenson of Tenderwood?

Katherine raised an eyebrow at the nerd as she started playing with her hair a bit.

Katherine: Lord Jenson of Tenderwood? The hell? Errrrrr he's about this tall...

Katherine put her hand into the air guessing how tall Jenson was.

Katherine: He’s a wizard, he wears a clue little hat and cloak and ummmmm he’s probably still a virgin. Does that help at all?

Nerd: Yes, yes that's the guy. He's quite powerful in the dark arts though. What is a sexy girl like you doing looking for a guy like that?

Katherine giggled extremely loudly as she bit her lip a bit looking at the nerd, who was now starting to look quite cute.

Katherine: Really? You think I'm sexy?

Nerd: Oh yes, you're the fairest maiden I have seen in quite some time. But your quest to locate Lord Jenson worries me quite a bit... the name is Simon by the way, Simon Sorcerer.

Katherine smiled quite a bit as she looked the cutie up and down.

Katherine: Hi Simon. My names Kat… my friends call me, ummmm… Kat. Well I don’t have many friends, but if I did I’m sure they’d all call me Kat…

Katherine nervously grinned for a short moment.

Katherine: Why does me going off to fight Jenson worry you so much, Simon? He’s always seemed like a cutie to me…

Simon: Wait… you’re going to fight him?! Do you even have a wand?

Katherine: Errrrrrrrrrr no… I was actually thinking that I should probably get one. I mean I’m going off to fight what you say is a powerful wizard and I’ve never even learned basic spells let alone how to fight…

Simon: This is a very dangerous quest indeed. Hmmmmmm come with me.

Katherine watched as Simon walked down the cobbled path and quickly caught up to him following close by him.

Katherine: Where are we going?

Simon: If you’re going to face Lord Jenson we need to make sure that you’re ready. First we need to get you a wand and we’ll see how you handle that.

Katherine grinned big at the cute little wizard as he led her into a nearby store which apparently specialized in selling wands. Simon approached the shopkeeper who was busy stacking the shelves.

Simon: Merlin, we need to equip young Kat here.

The shopkeeper, named Merlin stepped over to Kat eyeing her up and down suspiciously. Kat just stood there and smiled at him nicely not really sure what she was doing.

Merlin: Ah what do we have here? Yes, yes you seem to have quite a bit of magic in you. What are you? A beginner?

Katherine was about to answer but Merlin cut her off.

Merlin: No, no don’t tell me… you’re on an important quest aren’t you? Yes that’s it isn’t it? You’re on an important quest and you need to get yourself a new wand.

Simon: Well actually she is a beginner. She has never even owned a wand before…

Katherine: Yeah I need to get a wand so that I can fight Jenson…

Merlin: What?! You’re going off to battle him? But… you’re only a beginner!

Katherine: I know but I don’t have a choice… can you help me? Please?

Merlin started to chuckle to himself quite a bit as he continued examining Katherine.

Merlin: Of course I can help you. Please pass me your hand, child.

Katherine looked quite confused but eventually passed him her hand, he started very closely examining her making Katherine feel a bit uncomfortable.

Merlin: I assume you won’t reconsider facing him no matter what I say?

Katherine shook her head.

Katherine: No I can’t do that.

Merlin let out a laugh as he looked at Katherine in her eyes.

Merlin: Ha! Stubborn just like your mother.

Katherine gasped as she looked at Merlin not really sure how to respond to him.

Katherine: You… you knew my mother?!

Merlin: Of course, Katherine. I know more than you’d think The hardest part is knowing so much and yet not being able to stop such tragedies from happening…

Katherine: I don’t get it…

Merlin: Do not worry about it, Katherine. I have perhaps said too much already.

Katherine turned her attention to Simon with a questionable look on her face.

Katherine: Look are you two going to actually help me? Or are you just teasing me?

Simon didn’t say anything he just made Katherine turn her attention back onto Merlin, who was now looking through several different boxes he had behind his counter.

Merlin: Hmmmmmmm lets tryyyyy… this one.

Merlin pulled out a wand and handed it to Katherine who grabbed hold of it quite suspiciously.

Katherine: Errrrrrrrr what do I do now?

Merlin: Just point and flick, child. Point and flick.

Katherine: Ummmmm okay.

Katherine brought the wand out in front of her and flicked it like she was instructed. A stream of black light shot out of it and blew up a nearby shelf sending boxes flying everywhere. Katherine gasped as she stared down at the wand not believing what she had just seen.

Katherine: Oh my god!

Merlin grabbed the wand off of Katherine and immediately placed it back into its box.

Merlin: Not that one. Haha, definitely not that one.

Katherine still in shock looked at Simon.

Katherine: Do… is… I…

Simon: Don’t worry, Kat. When we find the right wand you’ll be fine.

Katherine: ….Okay.

Merlin was once again busy looking through all the boxes behind his counter he eventually pulled out a very dusty looking box and inspected it for a while before looking up at Katherine.

Merlin: Hmmmmmmm I wonder…

Merlin took this wand out of its box and handed it to Katherine who was now a little worried about taking it after what she had done just moments ago.

Merlin: Try that one, Katherine.

Katherine nodded her head and flicked this wand, she closed her eyes worried that she’d blow something else up but when that didn’t happen she opened her eyes to see that all around her white light was sparkling through the store. Katherine just watched on in amazement as a powerful gust of air hit her.

Merlin: Whoa…

Simon: What was that?!

Katherine: What? Whats wrong?!

Katherine threw the wand down onto the counter slightly scared of it as she looked at Merlin and Simon for answers.

Merlin: It’s nothing, Katherine. Just… that wand was made for you.

Katherine: So… that’s a good thing?

Merlin: Absolutely. But…

Katherine looked at the shopkeeper all sad.

Katherine: But what?

Merlin: Well… the interesting thing is… that wand was made up of… unique properties. There was only ever one other wand made up from the same tail feather as what’s in that wand and the owner of that was…

Katherine: Was who? It’s someone bad, right? Just be honest with me…

Merlin: No, the other wand was owned by your mother, Katherine.

Katherine looked at Merlin quite angry now she knew that he was lying to her here for sure.

Katherine: My mother was not a witch! I bet you didn’t even know her did you!

Merlin: Of course I knew her, Kat. She was a lovely young lady just like you. I wouldn’t lie to you.

Katherine looked at him suspiciously.

Katherine: You really knew my Mom?

Merlin: I really did. Now are you interested in that wand? It will most definitely help you secure yourself the win against Lord Jenson. I’ve never seen such white magic come from a beginner.

Katherine: Really?

Merlin nodded his head at Katherine.

Merlin: Absolutely. You’ll have to hurry, child. We close shortly.

Katherine thought about it for a very very quick moment and nodded her head.

Katherine: Okay if you think this will help I’ll take it.

Katherine reached into her bra and pulled out a bunch of dollar notes, amongst which were several hundred dollar bills and slid them across the counter.

Katherine: Is that enough?

Merlin immediately picked up the money and briefly counted it out before placing it into his till beneath the counter.

Merlin: That is just the right amount, Katherine. Would you like me to wrap up the wand for you?

Katherine: No, no it’s fine as it is. Thanks.

Katherine picked up the wand and examined it for a while before smiling to herself.

Merlin: Fantastic! Run along now, child. Go win that battle.

Katherine grinned very very happifully at the man before turning around and running away from the men.

Katherine: I will! Thank you very very much. Jenson I am going to ZAP you so good!

As soon as Katherine left the store Simon and Merlin burst out laughing.

Simon: It always makes me laugh how seriously these fans take this shit. Hahahahaha!

Merlin: I know, I can’t believe she actually thought those special effects were real let alone that I knew her mother…

Simon: Yeah I actually feel a bit sorry for her…

Merlin: You do? You going a bit soft on me there, Simon?

Simon: No of course not. She was just kinda cute is all…

Merlin: Typical Simon thinking with his penis and not his head. Anyway get back out there and scam some more idiots.

Simon nodded his head at Merlin and left the store shortly after Katherine.

Outside Katherine quickly hurried away back towards her car. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her pink IPhone, flicking through a few of her contacts and eventually pressed the green button again ringing Sarah. It took a while but Sarah finally answered her phone.

Sarah: Now what the fuck do you want?

Katherine: Sarahhhhhhhhhhh!!! You won’t believe what I just did.

Sarah: Let me guess, you ate a cookie or some other stupid shit?

Katherine: Ha! No! Silly Sare Bear! I’m doing that later.

Sarah: Great, make sure you don’t let me know how that goes. Bye.

Katherine: Wait! WAIT!!! Sarah I’ve not even told you what I just did yet…

Sarah: Kat listen, I do not give a damn what you just did. Stop bothering me.

Katherine: But… Sarahhhhhhhhhhh…

Kat could hear Sarah sigh on the other end of the phone and it upset her quite a lot.

Katherine: Please let me tell you.

Sarah: Okay fine, what did you just do? I swear to god if this is some stupid shit with you again…

Katherine: I just got a magic wand!

Sarah: What?!

Katherine: Yeahhhhhhhhhh I’m a witch just like you now! I went to this place and this guy took me to this store and then they gave me a wand and BANG ZAP CRASH!!! And then I walked out of the shop with a wand. It was GREAT! Jenson doesn’t stand a chance against me now! He is DEFINITELY out matched now!

Sarah: What the fuck are you talking about?

Katherine sighed reallyyyyyyyyyy hard at Sarah.

Katherine: I went to where Harry Potter lives and got myself a wand because I figured if I was going to face Jenson… I needed to get myself a wand so I can actually stand a chance against him. Anyway this guy called Merlin gave me a wand and it wasn’t the right one for me because black light came out of it and blew up a shelf! But then he gave me the right one and all this white light and stuff and everything happened… it was great, Sarah!

Sarah: What a load of bullshit, I don’t believe you fell for that Kat.

Katherine: No it was real, Sarah! And the guy even knew my mommy!

Sarah: He knew your mother?

Katherine: Yes! She was a witch too he said.

Sarah sighed very long and very hard.

Sarah: Yeah I am so done with this shit. Kat you’re an idiot and you’ll never amount to anything if you continue being this stupid. No one will ever take you seriously. Now stop fucking bothering me.

With that Sarah hung up the phone but Kat didn’t care. She was super happiful and now super ready and prepared for this fight. She would prove to Sarah that she wasn’t an idiot when she defeated the great and powerful Andre Jenson on Slam. Kat reached into her bra and pulled out her wand handling it as if it was a handgun ready to go off.

Katherine: Andre Jenson you might be a great and powerful wizard but come this Sunday you will not know whats hit you! ZAP ZAP ZAP!!! Hahahahahaha!

Katherine walked off into the distance towards her car as she continued to play with her wand.

Katherine: ZAP ZAP ZAP!!!