We're Gonna Need a Montage
Feb 21, 2016 9:27:59 GMT -5
Corey Black, Stuart Slane, and 1 more like this
Post by Travis Tusk on Feb 21, 2016 9:27:59 GMT -5
Earlier this week
Secret Cattpac dojo
Travis Tusk was in what looked like a mostly empty, possibly abandoned and maybe even condemned gym. He was attacking a punching bag with his usual variety of strikes when Steve Catt spoke up.
Steve: This isn't working.
Travis: Sorry?
Steve stood up from his uncomfortable folding chair, glad that he had thought of something to do other than sit and play WCF SuperCard on his phone.
Steve: Look, you're 0 and 4...
Travis: 0 and 3.
Steve: Yeah, and that's not awful. And you're going to lose more. But you need to be learning from your mistakes. What you're doing here isn't going to cut it. I know you have more than this. There's got to be something you've been holding back.
Travis: I'm not sure what you mean.
Steve: OK, let's say this punching bag is Warhawk.
Travis: Warbird.
Steve: Whatever. Warhawk sounds cooler.
Travis: Warhawk is a video game.
Steve: Good to know. OK, so this is Warcat. You've scouted him, you know what's coming.
Travis: Um...no I haven't. He hasn't had any matches here yet. Even if he had, I haven't had time. You've just been having me come in here and hit this thing all week.
Steve: Hey, I also taught you that thing to do when you're out of breath.
Travis: Yeah, I remember. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.
Steve: LIKE A CAT
Travis: Yeah, I guess.
Steve: Alright, so that was a bad example. Um, OK, let's say this is Corey Haim.
Travis: He's dead.
Steve: Really? Ugh. OK, let's say this is Corey Feldman.
Travis: Why would I be fighting Corey Feldman?
Steve: Well I WANTED you to be fighting Corey Haim, but you told me he's dead. So you ruined it.
Travis: No, I mean, if I fought Corey Feldman I'm pretty sure I'd win. He's, like, in his 40s with a kid or two.
Steve: GOD why do you have to make this so difficult? Fine, we'll do it your way. Let's say this is Corey Black, O.K.?
Travis: But--
Steve: LET'S SAY THIS IS COREY BLACK.
Travis: Okey doke.
Steve: That's more like it. Alright, this is Corey Black. You've held your own, you've breathed like a cat, but you're just no match for his bold flavorz.
Travis: What?
Steve: BOLD FLAVORZ. Just go with it. So you realize this is it. Last game of the year, Brent, can't hold anything back now. What is your trump card? What is the move you've been saving in your back pocket for just such an occasion? That's what your problem is. You've been playing it too safe. You need something that's high-risk, but high-reward, and you need to have an idea of when you're going to deploy it. Strategy, that's your forte.
Travis: Did you know the correct pronunciation of that word is actually "fort"?
Steve: Well, that's just confusing. Did you know that when Nietzsche said "God is dead, and we have killed him," it wasn't a celebration, but a lament that all mysticism was removed from the world?
Travis: So you're saying he's been quoted out of context.
Steve: Exactly.
Travis: How come nobody has apologized for claiming the U.S. went to Iraq to steal all the oil? I mean, where's all this oil we stole?
Steve: I know, right? I never got any oil. Did you get any oil, Meowkami?
Meowkami: Mrow.
A Siamese cat jumps from the floor onto Steve's chair.
Travis: Gah! Where did he come from?
Steve: I don't know; I hadn't seen him all day. He just pops in like that. Like a ninja. Ninja cat. I only knew he was here because I've known him long enough to sense his presence.
Travis: That's...impressive?
Steve: It's hit or miss. A lot of times I just put a bell on so I can hear him. Otherwise sometimes I end up kicking him or sitting on him. I mean, I'm all the way up here, he's small and down there...it's just hard to see him. Now, where we were? Oh, right. Secret special moves and techniques.
Travis: Well, you know, I have some things already. They're even on my roster page.
Steve: Right, but you always need to be trying to think of new ones. OK, so here you are, Corey Black, bold flavorz, last chance desperation. Show me what you're thinking.
Travis just stands straight and stares at the bag. After thinking about it, he raises his arms and left leg into the crane pose from The Karate Kid.
Steve: Hold that thought.
Travis stands perfectly still while Steve takes a small tape recorder from his pocket. He hits the record button.
Steve: Idea for a title for a porno: "Breasts of No Nation".
He hits the stop button and puts the recorder back in his pocket.
Steve: O.K., where was I? Oh, right.
He pulls a kendo stick out of nowhere.
Steve: NOPE
He smacks the back of Travis' planted right leg with the stick, and Travis falls over.
Travis: Gah! Where did THAT come from?
Steve: I don't know; I hadn't seen it all day.
Travis: And what was that for?
Steve: I told you, strategy and timing. That was completely the wrong way to go in this situation. He had the advantage, you're sucking wind, and he's probably seen that movie a million times, so he knew what was coming. He just swept the leg, again. That's what you should've taken from that movie. Sweep the damn leg.
Travis: Well, I had to do something.
Steve: And now you know not to do THAT, in that particular situation. You can come up with all the plans you want; they're going to fail if they're used in the wrong situation.
Travis: "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
Steve: That's true, but it doesn't help you. I prefer the Eisenhower quote: "In preparing for battle, I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." You need to be flexible and prepared for anything.
Travis: Alright, I get it.
Steve: You ready for more?
Travis: Bring it.
Steve: We still have a lot of work to do. We're gonna need a montage.
Always fade out in a montage
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage...
Secret Cattpac dojo
Travis Tusk was in what looked like a mostly empty, possibly abandoned and maybe even condemned gym. He was attacking a punching bag with his usual variety of strikes when Steve Catt spoke up.
Steve: This isn't working.
Travis: Sorry?
Steve stood up from his uncomfortable folding chair, glad that he had thought of something to do other than sit and play WCF SuperCard on his phone.
Steve: Look, you're 0 and 4...
Travis: 0 and 3.
Steve: Yeah, and that's not awful. And you're going to lose more. But you need to be learning from your mistakes. What you're doing here isn't going to cut it. I know you have more than this. There's got to be something you've been holding back.
Travis: I'm not sure what you mean.
Steve: OK, let's say this punching bag is Warhawk.
Travis: Warbird.
Steve: Whatever. Warhawk sounds cooler.
Travis: Warhawk is a video game.
Steve: Good to know. OK, so this is Warcat. You've scouted him, you know what's coming.
Travis: Um...no I haven't. He hasn't had any matches here yet. Even if he had, I haven't had time. You've just been having me come in here and hit this thing all week.
Steve: Hey, I also taught you that thing to do when you're out of breath.
Travis: Yeah, I remember. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.
Steve: LIKE A CAT
Travis: Yeah, I guess.
Steve: Alright, so that was a bad example. Um, OK, let's say this is Corey Haim.
Travis: He's dead.
Steve: Really? Ugh. OK, let's say this is Corey Feldman.
Travis: Why would I be fighting Corey Feldman?
Steve: Well I WANTED you to be fighting Corey Haim, but you told me he's dead. So you ruined it.
Travis: No, I mean, if I fought Corey Feldman I'm pretty sure I'd win. He's, like, in his 40s with a kid or two.
Steve: GOD why do you have to make this so difficult? Fine, we'll do it your way. Let's say this is Corey Black, O.K.?
Travis: But--
Steve: LET'S SAY THIS IS COREY BLACK.
Travis: Okey doke.
Steve: That's more like it. Alright, this is Corey Black. You've held your own, you've breathed like a cat, but you're just no match for his bold flavorz.
Travis: What?
Steve: BOLD FLAVORZ. Just go with it. So you realize this is it. Last game of the year, Brent, can't hold anything back now. What is your trump card? What is the move you've been saving in your back pocket for just such an occasion? That's what your problem is. You've been playing it too safe. You need something that's high-risk, but high-reward, and you need to have an idea of when you're going to deploy it. Strategy, that's your forte.
Travis: Did you know the correct pronunciation of that word is actually "fort"?
Steve: Well, that's just confusing. Did you know that when Nietzsche said "God is dead, and we have killed him," it wasn't a celebration, but a lament that all mysticism was removed from the world?
Travis: So you're saying he's been quoted out of context.
Steve: Exactly.
Travis: How come nobody has apologized for claiming the U.S. went to Iraq to steal all the oil? I mean, where's all this oil we stole?
Steve: I know, right? I never got any oil. Did you get any oil, Meowkami?
Meowkami: Mrow.
A Siamese cat jumps from the floor onto Steve's chair.
Travis: Gah! Where did he come from?
Steve: I don't know; I hadn't seen him all day. He just pops in like that. Like a ninja. Ninja cat. I only knew he was here because I've known him long enough to sense his presence.
Travis: That's...impressive?
Steve: It's hit or miss. A lot of times I just put a bell on so I can hear him. Otherwise sometimes I end up kicking him or sitting on him. I mean, I'm all the way up here, he's small and down there...it's just hard to see him. Now, where we were? Oh, right. Secret special moves and techniques.
Travis: Well, you know, I have some things already. They're even on my roster page.
Steve: Right, but you always need to be trying to think of new ones. OK, so here you are, Corey Black, bold flavorz, last chance desperation. Show me what you're thinking.
Travis just stands straight and stares at the bag. After thinking about it, he raises his arms and left leg into the crane pose from The Karate Kid.
Steve: Hold that thought.
Travis stands perfectly still while Steve takes a small tape recorder from his pocket. He hits the record button.
Steve: Idea for a title for a porno: "Breasts of No Nation".
He hits the stop button and puts the recorder back in his pocket.
Steve: O.K., where was I? Oh, right.
He pulls a kendo stick out of nowhere.
Steve: NOPE
He smacks the back of Travis' planted right leg with the stick, and Travis falls over.
Travis: Gah! Where did THAT come from?
Steve: I don't know; I hadn't seen it all day.
Travis: And what was that for?
Steve: I told you, strategy and timing. That was completely the wrong way to go in this situation. He had the advantage, you're sucking wind, and he's probably seen that movie a million times, so he knew what was coming. He just swept the leg, again. That's what you should've taken from that movie. Sweep the damn leg.
Travis: Well, I had to do something.
Steve: And now you know not to do THAT, in that particular situation. You can come up with all the plans you want; they're going to fail if they're used in the wrong situation.
Travis: "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth."
Steve: That's true, but it doesn't help you. I prefer the Eisenhower quote: "In preparing for battle, I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable." You need to be flexible and prepared for anything.
Travis: Alright, I get it.
Steve: You ready for more?
Travis: Bring it.
Steve: We still have a lot of work to do. We're gonna need a montage.
Always fade out in a montage
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed in a montage...
