An “Ex-Scoutmaster’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse”
Feb 14, 2016 13:21:34 GMT -5
Teo Blaze, God King Dune, and 4 more like this
Post by Stuart Slane on Feb 14, 2016 13:21:34 GMT -5
An “Ex-Scoutmaster’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse”
*Stuart Slane is carrying a large steamer trunk. He walks towards the camera with it, getting maybe ten feet from it before stopping.*
Stuart: Greetings, WCF Galaxy. This Sunday is #BeachMania. Sponsored by the people behind the most marine themed power clique in company history, #BeachKrew, this special Valentine’s Day event puts WCF superstars in unique situations in and out of the ring. The WCF World Title will be contested on the Moon. A man who is not Jayson Price will be fighting his clone. Or alternate reality doppleganger, or a time-displaced anomaly. Or something. There will also be an Ultimate Surrender Match and a Trap House Match, two names that given the parties involved carry very unfortunate implications. Another contest will literally be a picnic. Then there is the match I’m involved in.
*He sets the crate down. Using his booted foot, The Television Champion lifts up the lid to the trunk and lets it fall open. When the top flips open we can briefly see a sign reading “CONTINGENCY ZETA” taped to it (assuming you are able to read fast and read words that are both upside down and backwards.*
Stuart: The Zombie Invasion Clusterfuck Match. Yes, I just cursed. This isn’t canon so I can do that. Also : Jonny Fly. JonnyFlyJonnyFlyJonnyFly.
*Slane smiles triumphantly.*
Stuart: The stipulations to the Zombie Invasion Match are simple. Six wrestlers will compete to see who can destroy the most walking dead of a set number. No pinfalls. No submissions. No count-outs or disqualifications. It’s kill or be killed in this ghoulish gauntlet match.
*Slane reaches down into the open box and produces a workman’s belt, which he buckles around his waist.*
Stuart: But this is WCF. It is not enough just to survive. To make your mark here, you have to win. You have to take the challenges set before you and overcome them.
*Next the TV Champion gets a pair of bandoliers from the trunk. These are strapped across his broad torso.*
Stuart: That is why I am taking the Zombie Invasion Match seriously. I know the stakes involved. And I know I will be facing five talented WCF superstars who all want the same thing when this contest is over: being responsible for the highest body count.
*After rummaging through the box some more, Stuart starts pulling out different implements of zombie slaying and fitting them either onto the bandoliers or the holsters of his tool belt. He’s got a machete, a claw hammer, a hunting knife, an ice pick, twin knuckle dusters, a meat cleaver, a gaffing hook, a wrist rocket, a bag of tom bowlers, a gas powered chain saw, a crossbow with a quiver of arrows he straps to his thigh, all kinds of shit.*
Stuart: So in a sense I will not only be fighting against a horde of ravenous undead on Sunday, but also the zombie killing capacities of my fellow wrestlers. And these should be significant. Gemini Battle has already won a match in WCF by slicing up a Zombie. Teo Del Sol is a luchador, meaning he probably has plenty of experience fighting weird monsters. All those El Santo movies where he fights devil worshippers and Aztec mummies were based on actual events you know. CJ Phoenix is a noted manipulative mastermind who no doubt has a devious plan to win this match. In fact, I can all but guarantee that he has.
*Slane removes the last two weapons from his Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit: two thirty six inch fire axes.*
Stuart: Dustin Beaver is a skilled competitor in the ring plus I snuck a peek at his promo and saw he’s not against using guns against our opponents. And Clusterfunk will have the distinct schematic advantage going into this kind of match. He will be in his element, and not just because he’ll be fighting other stiffs. However, despite everyone else’s notable skills and abilities, I feel it will be me who eliminates the most zombies at #BeachMania, and has his hand raised once the bell is tolled for the last of these soulless automatons. Why?
*He takes the axes and spins them around needlessly and dramatically before fitting them into their sheaths on his back.*
Stuart: You know why. Do I really need to say it?
*Stuart Slane is carrying a large steamer trunk. He walks towards the camera with it, getting maybe ten feet from it before stopping.*
Stuart: Greetings, WCF Galaxy. This Sunday is #BeachMania. Sponsored by the people behind the most marine themed power clique in company history, #BeachKrew, this special Valentine’s Day event puts WCF superstars in unique situations in and out of the ring. The WCF World Title will be contested on the Moon. A man who is not Jayson Price will be fighting his clone. Or alternate reality doppleganger, or a time-displaced anomaly. Or something. There will also be an Ultimate Surrender Match and a Trap House Match, two names that given the parties involved carry very unfortunate implications. Another contest will literally be a picnic. Then there is the match I’m involved in.
*He sets the crate down. Using his booted foot, The Television Champion lifts up the lid to the trunk and lets it fall open. When the top flips open we can briefly see a sign reading “CONTINGENCY ZETA” taped to it (assuming you are able to read fast and read words that are both upside down and backwards.*
Stuart: The Zombie Invasion Clusterfuck Match. Yes, I just cursed. This isn’t canon so I can do that. Also : Jonny Fly. JonnyFlyJonnyFlyJonnyFly.
*Slane smiles triumphantly.*
Stuart: The stipulations to the Zombie Invasion Match are simple. Six wrestlers will compete to see who can destroy the most walking dead of a set number. No pinfalls. No submissions. No count-outs or disqualifications. It’s kill or be killed in this ghoulish gauntlet match.
*Slane reaches down into the open box and produces a workman’s belt, which he buckles around his waist.*
Stuart: But this is WCF. It is not enough just to survive. To make your mark here, you have to win. You have to take the challenges set before you and overcome them.
*Next the TV Champion gets a pair of bandoliers from the trunk. These are strapped across his broad torso.*
Stuart: That is why I am taking the Zombie Invasion Match seriously. I know the stakes involved. And I know I will be facing five talented WCF superstars who all want the same thing when this contest is over: being responsible for the highest body count.
*After rummaging through the box some more, Stuart starts pulling out different implements of zombie slaying and fitting them either onto the bandoliers or the holsters of his tool belt. He’s got a machete, a claw hammer, a hunting knife, an ice pick, twin knuckle dusters, a meat cleaver, a gaffing hook, a wrist rocket, a bag of tom bowlers, a gas powered chain saw, a crossbow with a quiver of arrows he straps to his thigh, all kinds of shit.*
Stuart: So in a sense I will not only be fighting against a horde of ravenous undead on Sunday, but also the zombie killing capacities of my fellow wrestlers. And these should be significant. Gemini Battle has already won a match in WCF by slicing up a Zombie. Teo Del Sol is a luchador, meaning he probably has plenty of experience fighting weird monsters. All those El Santo movies where he fights devil worshippers and Aztec mummies were based on actual events you know. CJ Phoenix is a noted manipulative mastermind who no doubt has a devious plan to win this match. In fact, I can all but guarantee that he has.
*Slane removes the last two weapons from his Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit: two thirty six inch fire axes.*
Stuart: Dustin Beaver is a skilled competitor in the ring plus I snuck a peek at his promo and saw he’s not against using guns against our opponents. And Clusterfunk will have the distinct schematic advantage going into this kind of match. He will be in his element, and not just because he’ll be fighting other stiffs. However, despite everyone else’s notable skills and abilities, I feel it will be me who eliminates the most zombies at #BeachMania, and has his hand raised once the bell is tolled for the last of these soulless automatons. Why?
*He takes the axes and spins them around needlessly and dramatically before fitting them into their sheaths on his back.*
Stuart: You know why. Do I really need to say it?
