This is Where the Title Goes! Cookie Joke! (BeachMania)
Feb 14, 2016 13:18:17 GMT -5
Stuart Slane, God King Dune, and 5 more like this
Post by Teo Blaze on Feb 14, 2016 13:18:17 GMT -5
You know, making the world’s largest cookie always seems like a good idea until you actually get done with it.
This is something that had not occurred to Teo.
And as he stared out over the product of 27 hours of baking dough, a 1-mile long radius over the hot desert sun...Yes, I said radius, as in this cookie is 2 miles across… He began to wonder if anyone was ever going to want to eat something that had cactuses, sand, and probably several desert creatures inside.
Teo: Maybe we shouldn’t have used helicopters to drop the dough. I mean using the desert floor as an oven worked wonders, but…
Several small children grabbed chunks off chocolate off of the edge, their faces painted with a sticky brown mess and the largest smiles that you have ever seen. Teo beamed with pride, at least someone understood him.
As he reflected, the world record measurer finally arrived on a burro, the tape measure in his hand stretched entirely around the massive…pastry? Are cookies pastries? Whatever, let’s just go with dessert.
Judge: I’m sorry sir, but the world record is intact.
Teo: Whaaaaat? But this is over 3000 pounds of cookie dough! You’re telling me someone actually managed to make a bigger cookie?
Judge: Well yes. There’s several recorded instances in fact. There was the time that one Jayson Price delivered a particularly drunken order to fill Price Tower with cookie dough, there was the time that Beach Krew ordered an entire city to make them a giant cookie just so they could fly it over starving villages and not actually ever allow it to be eaten-
Teo: That does sound like them.
Judge: And of course there was Girl Scout 8675309, who made a 3-mile cookie this morning as part of their fundraiser.
Teo: Every single time I try something those girl scouts beat me! First it was the axe juggling record, then the waterskiing for distance record, then eating the most cactus spines…
Judge: I remember that one. The paramedics were quite upset with you.
Teo: One day I will have my revenge! Those girls are pure evil I tells ya! Eviiiiii-
Judge: Yes, well the problem is not so much the size anyway, but that this concoction seems to have absorbed a significant amount of…debris, thus rendering most of its weight to non-cookie matter.
Teo: Whaaa? That’s ridiculous.
At this point there was a sound in the distance as a rather haggard looking Spencer Adams clawed his way through the top of the cookie a couple hundred yards out.
Spencer: What happened?? Last thing I remember I was taking a nap in my lawn chair, then Teo said something about a tax return….oh…
Meanwhile, back at the A plot…
Teo: Look, what am I supposed to do with a giant chocolate chip cookie?
At this point a man walked by with a wheelbarrow filled entirely with cookie matter.
Judge: I don’t know, maybe it will take care of itself.
Teo: I don’t have time for that! I have a match this week, man!
Judge: You should have thought of that before you started this project, young man.
Teo: I thought that you would like, take it to the world record museum or something…
Judge: That is not a place, and our organization lacks the resources to keep all the giant cookies people make. Besides, we don’t cater to fourth place.
Teo: Now you’re just being mean.
Judge: I know. It’s the best part of my job.
The judge turned and began chuckling to himself as Teo hung his head in shame.
Suddenly! There came from around the side of the cookie an unearthly moan, and a terrified scream! Teo rushed to help, only to see the judge in the process of being consumed by hundreds of Aztec Zombies!!
Teo: Oh no!
Judge: Remember me!....as a kind man!
Teo: ….
Judge: Araghahgbalabharhgal
Teo: ….nah.
At this point, Teo, thinking quickly, grabbed the errant children from the sides of the cookies, hurling them to the top of the pastry. I mean dessert! He ordered them to quickly gather the others, and before long the entire population had assembled atop the mound of chocolate and sand.
Teo: What could have caused this?
Expository Child: The Aztecs created chocolate, Teo! You must have assembled so much of the wonderful flavor that the smell caused them to rise from the earth itself!
Teo: Thank you, expository child!
The Aztec zombies quickly moved their way towards the center of the pastry, edging ever closer, their mouths stained with chocolate and their putrid flesh falling to the ground behind them as they advanced towards the center of the dessert. Teo threw his hands up in anguish, realizing he had doomed everything!
When he suddenly realized he was holding onto a rope ladder. He stared up at the sky to see a very large helicopter, conveniently the proper size to hold all of the innocents! Without missing a beat, Teo quickly passed the children up onto the ladder, and when finally everyone was safe, he grabbed hold himself just as the horde reached the gooey center of the concoction.
Also Spencer Adams got there first, but we didn’t want to spoil the tension by showing it. We don’t have to show you everything.
Teo ascended the rope ladder, staring back at the chocolate obsessed creatures and shaking his head mournfully for his lost cookie.
Teo: Oh well, easy come, easy go. But wait, who is flying the helicopter?
Teo turned towards the cockpit to reveal…it had 5 pilots! Gemini Battle, Dustin Beaver, Stuart Slane, CJ Phoenix, and Clusterfunk!
Teo: I can’t believe all of my opponents got together to save me!
Dustin Beaver: I make the least sense!
At this point, Teo remembered something that the Judge had told him.
Judge: Araghahgbalabharhgal
No, not that! Come on Teo.
..
Judge: And of course there was Girl Scout 8675309, who made a 3-mile cookie this morning as part of their fundraiser.
Teo: Oh no!
Gemini Battle: What is it Teo?
Teo: The Zombies are going to move onto the next cookie! A scout troop is in danger!
Stuart Slane: Not a scout troop!
Teo: Yes, Girl Scout Troop 8675309
Stuart Slane: Oh. You had me worried for a second.
Dustin Beaver: I hate those little brats!
Clusterfunk: You mean that you invoked a Zombie Horde?? Awesome! Just one Zombie would be boring.
Stuart Slane: Plus we should probably worry about the massive loss of life that will occur in a major metropolitan area.
Gemini: Eh, I’m pretty sure the Zombies will all be contained into the Slam Arena.
CJ Phoenix: But that doesn’t make any sens-
Teo: Gemini is right, guys! I say that we band together and fight off this Zombie Horde, not as enemies but as a team!
Stuart Slane: We’re not enemies. In fact you’ve been pretty cool to me.
Teo: We’ll have time to settle our differences later, Slane! I promise you! But this is more important!
Clusterfunk: I don’t know any of you people.
At this point the helicopter crashed into a rugged plateau. Noone was injured, for reasons that are both contrived and overly expository, thus you don’t need to hear them. Look, if you’re still questioning anything at this point, then you’re reading way too much into this. We’ve got cookie-obsessed Zombies and evil girl scouts, and you’re asking how our heroes survived a helicopter crash?
CJ Phoenix: I am.
Quiet you. They lived. Moving on.
Teo: You know in hindsight, maybe distracting all of the pilots at once to reflect on how to deal with the zombie hordes was not the best idea in the world.
Dustin Beaver: It’s cool, the next convenient helicopter should be here in about an hour.
Gemini Battle: So, anyone going to deal with my broken arm?
CJ Phoenix: You seem to be dealing with it just fine.
Gemini Battle: Fair enough.
Stuart Slane: Is anyone going to help me??
Clusterfunk: Someone should probably pull him off the cliff face.
Teo: It’s his fault for ejecting. We all survived and we’re up here.
Gemini Battle: Oh. That was me, I accidentally hit his eject button.
Teo: Oh Gemini!
The sound of a laugh track can be heard in the background, causing the group to look around in confusion.
Teo: Well, while we wait for someone to pull up Stuart-
Stuart Slane: I’m slipping!
Teo: What say I rally our morale with a lavishly orchestrated poem, celebrating each of our strengths?
Dustin Beaver: No.
Gemini Battle: No.
CJ Phoenix: No.
Clusterfunk: Hell no.
Stuart Slane: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-
At this point Stuart’s parachute went off. He was the only one who had thought to wear one. Unfortunately the resulting parachute got caught on a cliff face, leaving him hanging about halfway down.
Teo: Well, Stuart seems to want to hear it!
Stuart Slane: No I don’t.
Teo: Ahem.
Dustin Beaver: They can fly??
Fear not oh friends, for all around
Stuart Slane: Can someone cut this parachute cord?
Dustin Beaver, Beach Krew King
Spencer Adams: I’m still here.
Teo: You have a concussion, shush.
Teo finishes his dramatic poem with a flourish and stares out at the top of the plateau…only to see a helicopter disappearing into the distance. It seems they did not appreciate poetry as much as he had hoped.
Teo: Oh well, I’m sure they’ll come back for me.
Stuart Slane: Hello?? I heard noises! Is anyone coming for me?
Teo grinned and went to pull up Stuart by his parachute. This week was going to be fun.
This is something that had not occurred to Teo.
And as he stared out over the product of 27 hours of baking dough, a 1-mile long radius over the hot desert sun...Yes, I said radius, as in this cookie is 2 miles across… He began to wonder if anyone was ever going to want to eat something that had cactuses, sand, and probably several desert creatures inside.
Teo: Maybe we shouldn’t have used helicopters to drop the dough. I mean using the desert floor as an oven worked wonders, but…
Several small children grabbed chunks off chocolate off of the edge, their faces painted with a sticky brown mess and the largest smiles that you have ever seen. Teo beamed with pride, at least someone understood him.
As he reflected, the world record measurer finally arrived on a burro, the tape measure in his hand stretched entirely around the massive…pastry? Are cookies pastries? Whatever, let’s just go with dessert.
Judge: I’m sorry sir, but the world record is intact.
Teo: Whaaaaat? But this is over 3000 pounds of cookie dough! You’re telling me someone actually managed to make a bigger cookie?
Judge: Well yes. There’s several recorded instances in fact. There was the time that one Jayson Price delivered a particularly drunken order to fill Price Tower with cookie dough, there was the time that Beach Krew ordered an entire city to make them a giant cookie just so they could fly it over starving villages and not actually ever allow it to be eaten-
Teo: That does sound like them.
Judge: And of course there was Girl Scout 8675309, who made a 3-mile cookie this morning as part of their fundraiser.
Teo: Every single time I try something those girl scouts beat me! First it was the axe juggling record, then the waterskiing for distance record, then eating the most cactus spines…
Judge: I remember that one. The paramedics were quite upset with you.
Teo: One day I will have my revenge! Those girls are pure evil I tells ya! Eviiiiii-
Judge: Yes, well the problem is not so much the size anyway, but that this concoction seems to have absorbed a significant amount of…debris, thus rendering most of its weight to non-cookie matter.
Teo: Whaaa? That’s ridiculous.
At this point there was a sound in the distance as a rather haggard looking Spencer Adams clawed his way through the top of the cookie a couple hundred yards out.
Spencer: What happened?? Last thing I remember I was taking a nap in my lawn chair, then Teo said something about a tax return….oh…
Meanwhile, back at the A plot…
Teo: Look, what am I supposed to do with a giant chocolate chip cookie?
At this point a man walked by with a wheelbarrow filled entirely with cookie matter.
Judge: I don’t know, maybe it will take care of itself.
Teo: I don’t have time for that! I have a match this week, man!
Judge: You should have thought of that before you started this project, young man.
Teo: I thought that you would like, take it to the world record museum or something…
Judge: That is not a place, and our organization lacks the resources to keep all the giant cookies people make. Besides, we don’t cater to fourth place.
Teo: Now you’re just being mean.
Judge: I know. It’s the best part of my job.
The judge turned and began chuckling to himself as Teo hung his head in shame.
Suddenly! There came from around the side of the cookie an unearthly moan, and a terrified scream! Teo rushed to help, only to see the judge in the process of being consumed by hundreds of Aztec Zombies!!
Teo: Oh no!
Judge: Remember me!....as a kind man!
Teo: ….
Judge: Araghahgbalabharhgal
Teo: ….nah.
At this point, Teo, thinking quickly, grabbed the errant children from the sides of the cookies, hurling them to the top of the pastry. I mean dessert! He ordered them to quickly gather the others, and before long the entire population had assembled atop the mound of chocolate and sand.
Teo: What could have caused this?
Expository Child: The Aztecs created chocolate, Teo! You must have assembled so much of the wonderful flavor that the smell caused them to rise from the earth itself!
Teo: Thank you, expository child!
The Aztec zombies quickly moved their way towards the center of the pastry, edging ever closer, their mouths stained with chocolate and their putrid flesh falling to the ground behind them as they advanced towards the center of the dessert. Teo threw his hands up in anguish, realizing he had doomed everything!
When he suddenly realized he was holding onto a rope ladder. He stared up at the sky to see a very large helicopter, conveniently the proper size to hold all of the innocents! Without missing a beat, Teo quickly passed the children up onto the ladder, and when finally everyone was safe, he grabbed hold himself just as the horde reached the gooey center of the concoction.
Also Spencer Adams got there first, but we didn’t want to spoil the tension by showing it. We don’t have to show you everything.
Teo ascended the rope ladder, staring back at the chocolate obsessed creatures and shaking his head mournfully for his lost cookie.
Teo: Oh well, easy come, easy go. But wait, who is flying the helicopter?
Teo turned towards the cockpit to reveal…it had 5 pilots! Gemini Battle, Dustin Beaver, Stuart Slane, CJ Phoenix, and Clusterfunk!
Teo: I can’t believe all of my opponents got together to save me!
Dustin Beaver: I make the least sense!
At this point, Teo remembered something that the Judge had told him.
Judge: Araghahgbalabharhgal
No, not that! Come on Teo.
..
Judge: And of course there was Girl Scout 8675309, who made a 3-mile cookie this morning as part of their fundraiser.
Teo: Oh no!
Gemini Battle: What is it Teo?
Teo: The Zombies are going to move onto the next cookie! A scout troop is in danger!
Stuart Slane: Not a scout troop!
Teo: Yes, Girl Scout Troop 8675309
Stuart Slane: Oh. You had me worried for a second.
Dustin Beaver: I hate those little brats!
Clusterfunk: You mean that you invoked a Zombie Horde?? Awesome! Just one Zombie would be boring.
Stuart Slane: Plus we should probably worry about the massive loss of life that will occur in a major metropolitan area.
Gemini: Eh, I’m pretty sure the Zombies will all be contained into the Slam Arena.
CJ Phoenix: But that doesn’t make any sens-
Teo: Gemini is right, guys! I say that we band together and fight off this Zombie Horde, not as enemies but as a team!
Stuart Slane: We’re not enemies. In fact you’ve been pretty cool to me.
Teo: We’ll have time to settle our differences later, Slane! I promise you! But this is more important!
Clusterfunk: I don’t know any of you people.
At this point the helicopter crashed into a rugged plateau. Noone was injured, for reasons that are both contrived and overly expository, thus you don’t need to hear them. Look, if you’re still questioning anything at this point, then you’re reading way too much into this. We’ve got cookie-obsessed Zombies and evil girl scouts, and you’re asking how our heroes survived a helicopter crash?
CJ Phoenix: I am.
Quiet you. They lived. Moving on.
Teo: You know in hindsight, maybe distracting all of the pilots at once to reflect on how to deal with the zombie hordes was not the best idea in the world.
Dustin Beaver: It’s cool, the next convenient helicopter should be here in about an hour.
Gemini Battle: So, anyone going to deal with my broken arm?
CJ Phoenix: You seem to be dealing with it just fine.
Gemini Battle: Fair enough.
Stuart Slane: Is anyone going to help me??
Clusterfunk: Someone should probably pull him off the cliff face.
Teo: It’s his fault for ejecting. We all survived and we’re up here.
Gemini Battle: Oh. That was me, I accidentally hit his eject button.
Teo: Oh Gemini!
The sound of a laugh track can be heard in the background, causing the group to look around in confusion.
Teo: Well, while we wait for someone to pull up Stuart-
Stuart Slane: I’m slipping!
Teo: What say I rally our morale with a lavishly orchestrated poem, celebrating each of our strengths?
Dustin Beaver: No.
Gemini Battle: No.
CJ Phoenix: No.
Clusterfunk: Hell no.
Stuart Slane: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa-
At this point Stuart’s parachute went off. He was the only one who had thought to wear one. Unfortunately the resulting parachute got caught on a cliff face, leaving him hanging about halfway down.
Teo: Well, Stuart seems to want to hear it!
Stuart Slane: No I don’t.
Teo: Ahem.
Look out, dear friends, the Zombie Hordes
Are swarming all around.
Their vicious fangs about the sky.
And even underground.
Dustin Beaver: They can fly??
Teo:
Fear not oh friends, for all around
I see no great divide.
Together we can overcome
With what we have inside.
Stuart Slane: Can someone cut this parachute cord?
Teo:
Dustin Beaver, Beach Krew King
Your skills are quite divine.
You had a TV Title Reign
That quite outlasted mine.
So when we step
Between those ropes
The Zombies at our backs.
I know you’ll be a helpful one
And stop any attacks.
And Stuart Slane, our greatest man
A hero through and through
There’s no one that I’d rather face
Zombie hordes with than you.
Teo: You have a concussion, shush.
Stuart Slane, your deeds are known
A champion of good
I know your strength will keep us all
From being zombie food.
And Gemini, our tag team champ
And our world champ to be.
Though you came up short at One-
You were higher up than me.
Oh worry not, dear Gemini
About your harder times.
For you my friend are worthy of
A hundred praising rhymes.
Though DRG be gone once more
A Rebellution Stands
And now you’ll stop the Zombie hordes
That rise from desert sands.
Clusterfunk I must admit
Your toughness is your trait
But coming up with more to say
You’ll sadly have to wait.
I have no doubt your strength will prove
A worthy help this day
But frankly till I see you fight
There’s nothing more to say.
And finally we reach CJ
A phoenix, bird of life
A proper symbol, one must know
For conquering this strife.
You see my friend, though death awaits
I know we’ll see it through
Like the Phoenix from the ash
Death shall not conquer you.
Enigmatic, strange at least
Some people may assume
But I know that your skills are vast
And shall overcome this doom.
Teo finishes his dramatic poem with a flourish and stares out at the top of the plateau…only to see a helicopter disappearing into the distance. It seems they did not appreciate poetry as much as he had hoped.
Teo: Oh well, I’m sure they’ll come back for me.
Stuart Slane: Hello?? I heard noises! Is anyone coming for me?
Teo grinned and went to pull up Stuart by his parachute. This week was going to be fun.
