Post by Teo Blaze on Feb 7, 2016 13:42:54 GMT -5
Just ten minutes. In and Out. They’ll never see it coming.
That’s what he had been telling himself all day- and as he crouched in a the dusty brick alleyway, his eyes locked with the bodega, Juan felt the nervous rush that always came from jobs like this.
He licked his lips, eyes surveying every angle, every possible thing that could go wrong- it was a simple smash and grab job. Every day at 12:30, the owner, Raul, ceased operations and went down the street to the cantina for a hard-earned lunch. As soon as Raul was out of sight, Juan would smash the glass on the front door, right underneath the “closed” sign, and then he would be in. Of course, he wouldn’t be able to walk back out the front door again, since people would notice the broken glass. But that was why he had brought Diego.
Diego was one of the best guys available for this kind of work, at least that’s what Juan had been told…And he needed the help. The problem was the only exit was through a back door, covered by a security camera. Diego, he would take out the camera, get the back door open, then the duo would walk out the back like nothing was happening. It almost seemed too easy, and though Juan had tried to get Diego to share his method, Diego was unwilling to part with trade secrets.
That worked well enough for Juan. All that mattered is that this went off without a hitch. He had to admit that he was nervous, though. After all, he had only talked to Diego over the phone. But then trust was an essential part of the burglary game. Good help was hard to find.
He glanced down at his watch, tracing a circle in the dusty ground of the alley as he did so. 12:18… He breathed deeply and glanced up at the bodega… only to see Raul quickly locking the front door and hurriedly sprinting towards the cantina with a strained look on his face. Mierda! It seemed Raul’s bathroom was broken.
Juan cursed under his breath as he watched Raul waddle out of sight, then quickly turned towards the bodega. A quick glance up and down the street told him that not an eye was on the door- his opportunity was there but ten minutes early! Quickly deciding that Raul would be occupied, Juan decided to go ahead with the plan. He stood up and briskly stepped towards the door, giving a cursory glance to both sides of the empty street before removing the brick from his pocket and smashing the glass with an audible crunch! He snaked his hand through the hole and found the lock, turning it with a click.
He was in.
He quickly surveyed his surroundings, looking for any sign of extra security- but Raul was notoriously cheap. No alarms sounded, and no dogs jumped out from behind the stacks of candied snacks or beef jerky display. A cocky grin came over Juan’s face as he jumped behind the counter and began smashing the register with the brick. The machine cried out with an electronic howl before the damage finally popped the lock, and it reluctantly surrendered its bounty to the robber. Hundreds of dollars sat there before him (Raul had also been known to distrust the banks, a decision Juan did not necessarily disagree with) and with a joyous motion, Juan stuffed his pockets with his hard earned gains. And that was when he saw it.
He leaned down, seeing a duffel bag filled with cigarettes. The cocky grin became an outrageous smile as he gleefully snatched up the satchel- jumping over the counter just as he heard the front doorbell ring. He froze, half expecting Raul to be standing right there- but instead he saw what must have been his partner Diego. He hadn’t seen Diego before, but what kind of man walks into a convenience store in a Mexican wrestling mask?
Diego: Find anything good, friend?
Juan: You know it, chico, check it out!
With a heave, Juan tossed the satchel to Diego, who quickly inspected its contents with a cocked eyebrow.
Juan: Why’d you come in the front door though, ese? Someone could have seen you.
Diego: So?
So? That remark set something off in Juan. He had been very careful to get in the door without being detected, and he was paying Diego a significant cut for his help, and here he was not even following the plan. He walked forward and gave his partner a hard shove with both hands.
Juan: So, ese? So we don’t need people coming in here till after we’ve made our escape. Raul has a shotgun back here, you know? He probably has a pistol ready just in case!
Diego stared at Juan in confusion, then looked down at the bag once more, then nodded his head knowingly…Before throwing the duffel bag straight up in the air! Juan’s eyes stared up at the package in confusion as it sailed over up and over his head, and his eyes came back down to look at Diego…
…just in time to see a taped fist smash right into his face. After that, everything was stars, and then blackness.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Don’t hit in the teeth Teo, don’t hit in the teeth.
Teo shook his hand painfully as he examined the damage that had been done by the robber. He glanced down at his knuckles, no cuts but man did that sting. He picked up the duffel bag and placed it behind the counter, then leaned patiently on it, waiting for the owner to return. At that moment, his cell phone buzzed, a text from Spencer.
Teo put the phone back in his pocket, then picked up a lucha libre magazine, thumbing through the pages as Raul walked in the door with a shocked look on his face.
Part 2- Mall Zombies
The sun rose on a new day, and Teo del Sol and Spencer Adams walked through a crowded mall, blonde teenagers pushing past one another and depressed looking kiosk owners mindlessly texting on their cell phones. Teo pointed with a grin at the Spencer’s gifts sign, as he did every time the duo passed it, and Spencer once more put his hand in his palm- wishing for the third time that the store was named something else.
Teo: Look, it’s no secret that Zombie has had interaction with Beach Krew before.
Spencer: Teo, I’ve told you, you worry too much about Beach Krew. Tiburones is my opponent, not yours.
Teo: I’m telling you Spencer-
Spencer: Teo! Let it go. You have Zombie to worry about.
Teo: Who worries about Zombie McMorris? The guy takes wrestling about as seriously as we take manicures.
Spencer: Your nails are looking a little long, bro.
Teo: Yours too, we should make an appointment.
The pair stops and both seem to stare up simultaneously with their eyes cocked before resuming their stride.
Spencer: Anyway, you let me worry about Beach Krew this week, Teo, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Teo: I’m telling you Spencer, Zombie isn’t a threat. Zombie USED to be a threat, back when we were still afraid of the sun and the primary method of trade was slave labor, but we’ve moved on since then. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a funny shell of a wrestler- I don’t think there’s a man in the world who Z-mac can’t make laugh- but that doesn’t mean that he’s a credible threat.
Spencer: I don’t know man, he has the hardcore and internet belts.
Teo laughs out loud at Spencer’s assertion.
Teo: Yeah, the hardcore belt that Torture spent the better part of a year actively trying not to defend, and the internet belt that he had to cheat against a newcomer to keep. I’m telling you, it’s all a façade man, all an act! Zombie McMorris is exactly like that internet belt, he floods you with reinforcement, saying over and over again how great he is, how amazing his skizzels are.
Spencer: I could go for some skittles.
Teo: No, that means skills. You see? Even when I imitate Zombie for a second, I become unintelligible! I don’t mean to bash the man’s accomplishments, but let’s face it, Zombie is becoming more and more of a one-note joke. He posts the same three or four images whenever anyone tries to challenge the almighty honey badger, and for that I’m supposed to lay down and let this zombie walk all over me? Please lord give me a real opponent!
As the two are walking and talking, they come to a stop outside of a Hot Topic. The sound of Linkin Park can be heard blaring over the radio, and laughably dressed teens with jet black hair and pale skin apply each other’s obsidian lipstick with carefully maintained frowns. Teo and Spencer glance at one another, snickering under their breath. Kids are so naïve, but whatever makes them happy.
And there, prominently displayed in the store window, are T-shirts with Zombie McMorris catchphrases. “Honey Badger” this and “Z-Wrekt” that. Teo points and snickers as a ten year old gleefully reads the catch phrase off the T-shirt.
Teo: I couldn’t come up with a better analogy if I tried, man. Zombie McMorris belongs in Hot Topic. He’s a big, loud, obnoxious man who wants so desperately for people to like him, but it is 100% Grade-A manufactured bullspit.
Spencer: Spit?
Teo: I don’t like to swear, okay? Zombie McMorris belongs on the buy 2, get 1 free rack with the black nail polish and the Invader Zim coffee mugs. He is a failed experiment that has managed to stay relevant only because of a devout following of deluded fans, and I admit that if you like recycled memes, he does give people exactly what they want, but a fact is a fact, and Zombie McMorris has been hand picking his opponents ever since he came back, and if it weren’t for that internet belt he would likely explode from the pent-up horsespit inside him. Thank goodness for that belt though, so he gets to spew it all over the internet, and share it with the world. Lucky us.
The two smile at the store and keep walking.
Teo: I did like Invader Zim though.
Spencer: It was okay.
Teo: You already got the stuff set up for tomorrow?
Spencer: You know it, man.
The two stop by a cinnabon as the camera slowly fades away.
Part 3- Pop-Up Ad
The scene opens up on a grand outdoor stage, in the middle of a lavish park. A grand crowd gathers around, as if preparing for a concert. There is a palpable feel of anticipation surrounding the venue, and upon the stage, a very elaborate setting has been assembled.
There, on the stage is a lavishly designed screen, fifty feet tall and seventy five feet across, with a “loading” image slowly blinking across it. What’s interesting about the screen though, is that is has been made up to look exactly like a computer monitor, and below it sits a massive keyboard. The audience talks among themselves about the significance when suddenly a musical sting plays throughout the park, and the audience explodes with approval as Teo del Sol steps from behind the curtain, the People’s Title polished to a mirror shine over one shoulder, a WCF hoodie and blue jeans underneath the white mask.
(Play for Effect if you'd like)
Teo nods his head along with the music, gesturing to the crowd to sing along, really enjoying the moment. He always loved to watch the power that Music had over an audience. There was a reason that wrestlers always came in with music playing after all. If you wanted to get a crowd excited, there was no better way than with some music. As the song comes to an end, Teo grabs a microphone from his pocket and holds it out as the audience begins chanting his name.
Teo: Zombie! Zombie I know that you’re watching, this broadcast is going up live- 100% streamed on WCF.com, and as the internet champion, there’s no way that you aren’t pirating this broadcast, so listen good.
Zombie, I have been listening and watching you, you posted on the internet boards talking about how you’re going to walk right through me, going to rape me or molest me or whatever it is you do to opponents, I honestly think that some of us lose track. I have heard your threats on twitter and your warnings against challenging the almighty Z-Mac, and I would just like to offer the following rebuttal.
As he stops talking he points to the monitor with a flourish, and an image comes across the screen.
Teo: You see Zombie? I can do it too. That’s what you like to do, innit? You like to get on that board and talk and talk and talk and act like you don’t care when someone challenges you, you like to no-sell whatever they say, act like honey badger don’t care, right?
Now listen Z-mac, I know you like to wordplay with yourself, but I’m about to show you what a Metta’s for, alright? Listen up.
Z-mac, you are a man of promises. When I see on the docket that I’m going one-on-one with the internet champion, you are the first one to tell me that I’m getting a Ribeye steak. A filet Mignon, that I am going to experience a meal unlike anything in the entire world!
You promise me a steak And what do you give me? A sad fast food burger. You give me a burnt, squashed excuse for a meal with stale buns, a shrunken, tiny portion with almost no actual meat inside, which you make up for by covering in cheese. Slather some ketchup on there and maybe people will actually buy it, right?
Hashtag Z-MacDonalds.
I don’t see it, Hostess Frosted Honey Badger or whatever you’re calling yourself this week. When I hear that Honey Badger is ready to fight, I expect to see fifteen twitter posts announcing the match then thirty explaining why you’re going to win. So I went in that board and I prepared myself for the onslaught.
And what do you give me? One tweet. One rebuttal. Then I have to wait patiently for you to not say anything else. Come on Z-Mac, where’s the fiyah you promised? I was expecting a massive uphill climb this week and all I get is Kraft EZ-Mac. I thought you were a legend man? I thought you were a hero? Where is the Z-Mac that strikes fear in the heart of every internet troll around the world? The Z-Mac who bends over his opponents like boomerangs and makes it look easy?
Is it that you think I’m not worth it, is that it Z-man? Because let me tell you right now, if you are going into this match expecting me to not give you 100% of my 100%, then you are gonna be in for more pain than an exploding volcano! Yeah, I saw it, was pretty fun honestly. Almost covered up the fact you needed help to win that title you’ve been bragging so much about, but then who am I to judge, right?
Let’s get down to the meat of the matter, and I don’t mean that Big Mac that you are trying to tell me is gourmet, I mean let’s settle once and for all what this match is going to mean.
This is a Champion vs. Champion match, and you and I? We’ve had uphill battles to make our belts relevant again. I have to admit, you’ve squashed all opposition for that internet belt so far, just like I’ve managed to put away every title seeker. Maybe on Wednesday that’ll change, but that’s a conversation for another day.
This Sunday on Slam, people are going to tune and see a champion versus hashtag champion match, and it is going to be awesome. Two men, no stakes but pride, putting everything on the line, and Zombie McMorris? He’s gonna try and steal it.
Z-Mac, you are the internet champion, but really ask yourself, does a belt represent the man, or does the man make the belt? Because when people look back at your reign, they’re going to think of booty shakes, of bill murrays, they’re going to think of all the memes and all the catchphrases, and they’re going to say to themselves “gee whiz that guy was a hoot”
But me? I’m the People’s Champion, and while you’ve been busy facing newcomers and reluctant challengers, I’ve been putting my belt on the line in every kind of match imaginable. I’ve taken more punishment in these three months than some men do their entire careers. I’ve stared across the ring from the very first champion and I’ve never, ever! Backed down. That Z-man, that is my legacy, that! is how I’ll be remembered…
…Yeah, I know, it goes without saying, but there’s really no point in trying to talk to you about honor or prestige, is there? Honey Badger don’t give- yeah, yeah.
Just believe me Zombie when I say the following sentence. After this Sunday, when I pin you down for that 1,2,3- you’d better make sure you keep that belt on Wednesday, and you better hope you don’t give me a reason to decide that you’re not worthy of that belt you hold, because as funny as you may think you are, ain’t no one that gets to be champion forever.
See you Sunday, EZ-Mac.
Teo turns and points up at the screen, and the audience roars with approval as El Shia continues applauding Teo’s words.
Epilogue:
Teo leaned against the stereo equipment, grinning out at the stage where WCF personnel tossed autographed T-shirts to screaming fans. He always enjoyed these events. He called himself the People’s Champion, but he never really felt worthy of the title unless he was making the fans’ evening worth it.
As he heard the fans calling his name for an encore, he felt his cell phone buzz. He picked it up, expecting Spencer to be congratulating him or maybe Zombie emailing him a middle finger, but instead he simply saw the name “Breanna”
Teo grinned and tucked the phone in his pocket. Ever since he had met her in that bar, he had found himself texting her more and more. One day soon he would have to find a way to tell Spencer about it. But for now, she seemed to be happy with the long distance.
Teo tucked the phone in his pocket and grinned, sprinting back out onto the stage to sign some more T-shirts. For the first time, in a long time, life was good.
That’s what he had been telling himself all day- and as he crouched in a the dusty brick alleyway, his eyes locked with the bodega, Juan felt the nervous rush that always came from jobs like this.
He licked his lips, eyes surveying every angle, every possible thing that could go wrong- it was a simple smash and grab job. Every day at 12:30, the owner, Raul, ceased operations and went down the street to the cantina for a hard-earned lunch. As soon as Raul was out of sight, Juan would smash the glass on the front door, right underneath the “closed” sign, and then he would be in. Of course, he wouldn’t be able to walk back out the front door again, since people would notice the broken glass. But that was why he had brought Diego.
Diego was one of the best guys available for this kind of work, at least that’s what Juan had been told…And he needed the help. The problem was the only exit was through a back door, covered by a security camera. Diego, he would take out the camera, get the back door open, then the duo would walk out the back like nothing was happening. It almost seemed too easy, and though Juan had tried to get Diego to share his method, Diego was unwilling to part with trade secrets.
That worked well enough for Juan. All that mattered is that this went off without a hitch. He had to admit that he was nervous, though. After all, he had only talked to Diego over the phone. But then trust was an essential part of the burglary game. Good help was hard to find.
He glanced down at his watch, tracing a circle in the dusty ground of the alley as he did so. 12:18… He breathed deeply and glanced up at the bodega… only to see Raul quickly locking the front door and hurriedly sprinting towards the cantina with a strained look on his face. Mierda! It seemed Raul’s bathroom was broken.
Juan cursed under his breath as he watched Raul waddle out of sight, then quickly turned towards the bodega. A quick glance up and down the street told him that not an eye was on the door- his opportunity was there but ten minutes early! Quickly deciding that Raul would be occupied, Juan decided to go ahead with the plan. He stood up and briskly stepped towards the door, giving a cursory glance to both sides of the empty street before removing the brick from his pocket and smashing the glass with an audible crunch! He snaked his hand through the hole and found the lock, turning it with a click.
He was in.
He quickly surveyed his surroundings, looking for any sign of extra security- but Raul was notoriously cheap. No alarms sounded, and no dogs jumped out from behind the stacks of candied snacks or beef jerky display. A cocky grin came over Juan’s face as he jumped behind the counter and began smashing the register with the brick. The machine cried out with an electronic howl before the damage finally popped the lock, and it reluctantly surrendered its bounty to the robber. Hundreds of dollars sat there before him (Raul had also been known to distrust the banks, a decision Juan did not necessarily disagree with) and with a joyous motion, Juan stuffed his pockets with his hard earned gains. And that was when he saw it.
He leaned down, seeing a duffel bag filled with cigarettes. The cocky grin became an outrageous smile as he gleefully snatched up the satchel- jumping over the counter just as he heard the front doorbell ring. He froze, half expecting Raul to be standing right there- but instead he saw what must have been his partner Diego. He hadn’t seen Diego before, but what kind of man walks into a convenience store in a Mexican wrestling mask?
Diego: Find anything good, friend?
Juan: You know it, chico, check it out!
With a heave, Juan tossed the satchel to Diego, who quickly inspected its contents with a cocked eyebrow.
Juan: Why’d you come in the front door though, ese? Someone could have seen you.
Diego: So?
So? That remark set something off in Juan. He had been very careful to get in the door without being detected, and he was paying Diego a significant cut for his help, and here he was not even following the plan. He walked forward and gave his partner a hard shove with both hands.
Juan: So, ese? So we don’t need people coming in here till after we’ve made our escape. Raul has a shotgun back here, you know? He probably has a pistol ready just in case!
Diego stared at Juan in confusion, then looked down at the bag once more, then nodded his head knowingly…Before throwing the duffel bag straight up in the air! Juan’s eyes stared up at the package in confusion as it sailed over up and over his head, and his eyes came back down to look at Diego…
…just in time to see a taped fist smash right into his face. After that, everything was stars, and then blackness.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Don’t hit in the teeth Teo, don’t hit in the teeth.
Teo shook his hand painfully as he examined the damage that had been done by the robber. He glanced down at his knuckles, no cuts but man did that sting. He picked up the duffel bag and placed it behind the counter, then leaned patiently on it, waiting for the owner to return. At that moment, his cell phone buzzed, a text from Spencer.
Yo, what happened? You just hung up.
I had to take care of something, sorry.
Whatever, are we still on for tomorrow?
Yeah, I’ll see you there.
Part 2- Mall Zombies
The sun rose on a new day, and Teo del Sol and Spencer Adams walked through a crowded mall, blonde teenagers pushing past one another and depressed looking kiosk owners mindlessly texting on their cell phones. Teo pointed with a grin at the Spencer’s gifts sign, as he did every time the duo passed it, and Spencer once more put his hand in his palm- wishing for the third time that the store was named something else.
Teo: Look, it’s no secret that Zombie has had interaction with Beach Krew before.
Spencer: Teo, I’ve told you, you worry too much about Beach Krew. Tiburones is my opponent, not yours.
Teo: I’m telling you Spencer-
Spencer: Teo! Let it go. You have Zombie to worry about.
Teo: Who worries about Zombie McMorris? The guy takes wrestling about as seriously as we take manicures.
Spencer: Your nails are looking a little long, bro.
Teo: Yours too, we should make an appointment.
The pair stops and both seem to stare up simultaneously with their eyes cocked before resuming their stride.
Spencer: Anyway, you let me worry about Beach Krew this week, Teo, you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
Teo: I’m telling you Spencer, Zombie isn’t a threat. Zombie USED to be a threat, back when we were still afraid of the sun and the primary method of trade was slave labor, but we’ve moved on since then. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a funny shell of a wrestler- I don’t think there’s a man in the world who Z-mac can’t make laugh- but that doesn’t mean that he’s a credible threat.
Spencer: I don’t know man, he has the hardcore and internet belts.
Teo laughs out loud at Spencer’s assertion.
Teo: Yeah, the hardcore belt that Torture spent the better part of a year actively trying not to defend, and the internet belt that he had to cheat against a newcomer to keep. I’m telling you, it’s all a façade man, all an act! Zombie McMorris is exactly like that internet belt, he floods you with reinforcement, saying over and over again how great he is, how amazing his skizzels are.
Spencer: I could go for some skittles.
Teo: No, that means skills. You see? Even when I imitate Zombie for a second, I become unintelligible! I don’t mean to bash the man’s accomplishments, but let’s face it, Zombie is becoming more and more of a one-note joke. He posts the same three or four images whenever anyone tries to challenge the almighty honey badger, and for that I’m supposed to lay down and let this zombie walk all over me? Please lord give me a real opponent!
As the two are walking and talking, they come to a stop outside of a Hot Topic. The sound of Linkin Park can be heard blaring over the radio, and laughably dressed teens with jet black hair and pale skin apply each other’s obsidian lipstick with carefully maintained frowns. Teo and Spencer glance at one another, snickering under their breath. Kids are so naïve, but whatever makes them happy.
And there, prominently displayed in the store window, are T-shirts with Zombie McMorris catchphrases. “Honey Badger” this and “Z-Wrekt” that. Teo points and snickers as a ten year old gleefully reads the catch phrase off the T-shirt.
Teo: I couldn’t come up with a better analogy if I tried, man. Zombie McMorris belongs in Hot Topic. He’s a big, loud, obnoxious man who wants so desperately for people to like him, but it is 100% Grade-A manufactured bullspit.
Spencer: Spit?
Teo: I don’t like to swear, okay? Zombie McMorris belongs on the buy 2, get 1 free rack with the black nail polish and the Invader Zim coffee mugs. He is a failed experiment that has managed to stay relevant only because of a devout following of deluded fans, and I admit that if you like recycled memes, he does give people exactly what they want, but a fact is a fact, and Zombie McMorris has been hand picking his opponents ever since he came back, and if it weren’t for that internet belt he would likely explode from the pent-up horsespit inside him. Thank goodness for that belt though, so he gets to spew it all over the internet, and share it with the world. Lucky us.
The two smile at the store and keep walking.
Teo: I did like Invader Zim though.
Spencer: It was okay.
Teo: You already got the stuff set up for tomorrow?
Spencer: You know it, man.
The two stop by a cinnabon as the camera slowly fades away.
Part 3- Pop-Up Ad
The scene opens up on a grand outdoor stage, in the middle of a lavish park. A grand crowd gathers around, as if preparing for a concert. There is a palpable feel of anticipation surrounding the venue, and upon the stage, a very elaborate setting has been assembled.
There, on the stage is a lavishly designed screen, fifty feet tall and seventy five feet across, with a “loading” image slowly blinking across it. What’s interesting about the screen though, is that is has been made up to look exactly like a computer monitor, and below it sits a massive keyboard. The audience talks among themselves about the significance when suddenly a musical sting plays throughout the park, and the audience explodes with approval as Teo del Sol steps from behind the curtain, the People’s Title polished to a mirror shine over one shoulder, a WCF hoodie and blue jeans underneath the white mask.
(Play for Effect if you'd like)
Teo nods his head along with the music, gesturing to the crowd to sing along, really enjoying the moment. He always loved to watch the power that Music had over an audience. There was a reason that wrestlers always came in with music playing after all. If you wanted to get a crowd excited, there was no better way than with some music. As the song comes to an end, Teo grabs a microphone from his pocket and holds it out as the audience begins chanting his name.
Teo: Zombie! Zombie I know that you’re watching, this broadcast is going up live- 100% streamed on WCF.com, and as the internet champion, there’s no way that you aren’t pirating this broadcast, so listen good.
Zombie, I have been listening and watching you, you posted on the internet boards talking about how you’re going to walk right through me, going to rape me or molest me or whatever it is you do to opponents, I honestly think that some of us lose track. I have heard your threats on twitter and your warnings against challenging the almighty Z-Mac, and I would just like to offer the following rebuttal.
As he stops talking he points to the monitor with a flourish, and an image comes across the screen.
Teo: You see Zombie? I can do it too. That’s what you like to do, innit? You like to get on that board and talk and talk and talk and act like you don’t care when someone challenges you, you like to no-sell whatever they say, act like honey badger don’t care, right?
Now listen Z-mac, I know you like to wordplay with yourself, but I’m about to show you what a Metta’s for, alright? Listen up.
Z-mac, you are a man of promises. When I see on the docket that I’m going one-on-one with the internet champion, you are the first one to tell me that I’m getting a Ribeye steak. A filet Mignon, that I am going to experience a meal unlike anything in the entire world!
You promise me a steak And what do you give me? A sad fast food burger. You give me a burnt, squashed excuse for a meal with stale buns, a shrunken, tiny portion with almost no actual meat inside, which you make up for by covering in cheese. Slather some ketchup on there and maybe people will actually buy it, right?
Hashtag Z-MacDonalds.
I don’t see it, Hostess Frosted Honey Badger or whatever you’re calling yourself this week. When I hear that Honey Badger is ready to fight, I expect to see fifteen twitter posts announcing the match then thirty explaining why you’re going to win. So I went in that board and I prepared myself for the onslaught.
And what do you give me? One tweet. One rebuttal. Then I have to wait patiently for you to not say anything else. Come on Z-Mac, where’s the fiyah you promised? I was expecting a massive uphill climb this week and all I get is Kraft EZ-Mac. I thought you were a legend man? I thought you were a hero? Where is the Z-Mac that strikes fear in the heart of every internet troll around the world? The Z-Mac who bends over his opponents like boomerangs and makes it look easy?
Is it that you think I’m not worth it, is that it Z-man? Because let me tell you right now, if you are going into this match expecting me to not give you 100% of my 100%, then you are gonna be in for more pain than an exploding volcano! Yeah, I saw it, was pretty fun honestly. Almost covered up the fact you needed help to win that title you’ve been bragging so much about, but then who am I to judge, right?
Let’s get down to the meat of the matter, and I don’t mean that Big Mac that you are trying to tell me is gourmet, I mean let’s settle once and for all what this match is going to mean.
This is a Champion vs. Champion match, and you and I? We’ve had uphill battles to make our belts relevant again. I have to admit, you’ve squashed all opposition for that internet belt so far, just like I’ve managed to put away every title seeker. Maybe on Wednesday that’ll change, but that’s a conversation for another day.
This Sunday on Slam, people are going to tune and see a champion versus hashtag champion match, and it is going to be awesome. Two men, no stakes but pride, putting everything on the line, and Zombie McMorris? He’s gonna try and steal it.
Z-Mac, you are the internet champion, but really ask yourself, does a belt represent the man, or does the man make the belt? Because when people look back at your reign, they’re going to think of booty shakes, of bill murrays, they’re going to think of all the memes and all the catchphrases, and they’re going to say to themselves “gee whiz that guy was a hoot”
But me? I’m the People’s Champion, and while you’ve been busy facing newcomers and reluctant challengers, I’ve been putting my belt on the line in every kind of match imaginable. I’ve taken more punishment in these three months than some men do their entire careers. I’ve stared across the ring from the very first champion and I’ve never, ever! Backed down. That Z-man, that is my legacy, that! is how I’ll be remembered…
…Yeah, I know, it goes without saying, but there’s really no point in trying to talk to you about honor or prestige, is there? Honey Badger don’t give- yeah, yeah.
Just believe me Zombie when I say the following sentence. After this Sunday, when I pin you down for that 1,2,3- you’d better make sure you keep that belt on Wednesday, and you better hope you don’t give me a reason to decide that you’re not worthy of that belt you hold, because as funny as you may think you are, ain’t no one that gets to be champion forever.
See you Sunday, EZ-Mac.
Teo turns and points up at the screen, and the audience roars with approval as El Shia continues applauding Teo’s words.
Epilogue:
Teo leaned against the stereo equipment, grinning out at the stage where WCF personnel tossed autographed T-shirts to screaming fans. He always enjoyed these events. He called himself the People’s Champion, but he never really felt worthy of the title unless he was making the fans’ evening worth it.
As he heard the fans calling his name for an encore, he felt his cell phone buzz. He picked it up, expecting Spencer to be congratulating him or maybe Zombie emailing him a middle finger, but instead he simply saw the name “Breanna”
Good job sweetie! You’re gonna knock him undead! Redead? Whatever lol!
Teo grinned and tucked the phone in his pocket. Ever since he had met her in that bar, he had found himself texting her more and more. One day soon he would have to find a way to tell Spencer about it. But for now, she seemed to be happy with the long distance.
Thanks Bree, Hey, I think I’ll be in town later this week. It’s only about a day’s drive lol.
Look forward to it, Mr. Sunshine!
Teo tucked the phone in his pocket and grinned, sprinting back out onto the stage to sign some more T-shirts. For the first time, in a long time, life was good.
