Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2007 23:16:36 GMT -5
The tide ebbs and the tide flows. Such is the life of Bobby Cairo. When Cairo is in the building, ecstasy meets gratuitous violence in a sort of universal lip-locking contest. If that weren't enough, the stakes are about to rise. Cairo has laid down the gauntlet and Cairo claims to be the man with the plan. How will Cairo's arch nemesis Lawnmower Jones perform under the pressure of Cairo's plot for world domination? How will wife Lonnie's health status distract Jones' efforts against Cairo? Nevertheless, Cairo is marching forward. Cairo agreed to speak with us today from the beaches of Mississippi. Cairo is wearing nothing more than a brown paper grocery bag to cover his privates. Unusual attire aside, Cairo agreed to discuss the Jones situation and other related topics.
Bobby Cairo: I remember when Lawnmower Jones was the president of the Lisa Bonet fanclub. I have to admit that I was a charter member. Oh yes indeed, Ms. Bonet made me spruce my juicer on many a night. Those days are long gone. Jones and Cairo are no longer allies in masturbation. Thus begins my meticulous dissection of all things Jones. This is not a conspiracy theory, Jones. You really are going to die. The reason why I hate you is because you are envious of everything that I have. You're envious because you know that I've done the hard work and achieved the rewards, yet you want to coast by and take that free ride. This ain't grammar school, sonny boy. When you screw up around here, you don't get a ruler across the knuckles. You get hung high by your ankles and you get fucked hard up the asshole. That's not a sexual thing, it's a metaphor. It means that I have a cornucopia of horrors that await you. I promised before War that I would raise the stakes. I promised that any motherfuckers who be trippin' would feel my wrath. That's why this has become such a beautiful situation between you and me, Mr. Jones. It's beautiful because I can do whatever I want without consequence or reprimand. You will bite my butt and you will have no choice but to swallow.
At this point in the conversation, Cairo took a break to grab a bucket of KFC. Cairo seemed to take a great deal of glee from chomping into the juicy pieces of chicken breast and devouring the hot white meat below. Cairo repeatedly offered us some of the chicken, but watching this man eat was truly a sight to behold. He dissected the fried chicken the same way that he dissects his opponents inside of the wrestling ring. After washing down his meal with a large cup of Pepsi Cola, Cairo turned his attention back to Lawnmower Jones. Let's roll that tape, Boogie.
Bobby Cairo: Jones what will you do when you come before the Ethics Committee? I'm not talking about some brain-bent politicos like Todd Kennedy and Trent Lopp. I'm talking about a real man with real balls. I'm talking about Bobby Cairo. When you stand before Cairo and await your judgement, what terrors will be running through your puerile little consciousness? Will you be thinking about your beloved Lonnie? Will you be thinking about saving your ass?! Answer me, boy! I'm gonna mess you up so bad! I gotta calm my nerves. I need some strawberry shortcake, that's the ticket. I know I'm eating a lot of stuff, but I need those vitamins and minerals. Cut!
Cairo drove himself over to the local grocer's market and purchased a slab of sugary dessert cake. Cairo was not nearly as professional with the cake as he had been with the chicken. Cairo had frosting in his hair and on his chest before this encounter had reached its logical conclusion. I began to wonder if the man standing before me was no less a genius than a psychopath, but I had no choice but to continue filming. Something inside of me was compelling me to continue down this slippery slope.
Bobby Cairo: Mothers are very protective of their sons. I wonder if Jones' mother gave a shit about him? I wonder if she disciplined Jones? I wonder if she beat her son? I wonder what would happen if I took a trip to the mystical land of wonder and enchantment known as Scotland and visited Mrs. Jones? Perhaps I could uncover any number of awe-inspiring tidbits regarding my mortal enemy? Yes, this sounds like a plan. In the week leading up to Blast I will visit LJ's mother and we will get to the root of Jones' irrational and psychotic behavior! What made Jones the nutjob that he is today? Why would any mother allow her son to transform into such an abomination? And what of the boy's father? Oh my goodness gracious I can't hardly wait! I'm gonna call my travel agent and book a round-trip flight to Scotland right now!
Cairo steals my cellphone and runs off in his brown paper grocery bag to book his travel plans. That's not exactly the sight that I expected to see when I planned this interview, but why would I be surprised? Cairo's behavior has grown increasingly bizarre with each passing season. What singular moment spawned this chemical reaction inside of Cairo's brain? Cairo was gracious enough to explain this phenomenon after completing the phonecall with his travel agent.
Bobby Cairo: Do you remember The Lottery? It was a story written by a mentally ill woman named Shirley Jackson. The story was set in this perverse little town in Arizona. So they had this lottery and the winner of the lottery did not receive any sort of cash money prizes. No, sir, they stoned that motherfucker. That's a hell of a prize, ain't it? The point is that I read that story and it really spoke to me. Society is just like that. We want to tear people down, diminish their accomplishments and tarnish their reputations. We're a sick culture, that's for sure. It's almost like when those Mayans or Aztecs or whoever the fuck used to make human sacrifices. It might have been the Incas. Anyway, we're a cannibal culture and I just want to hammer that point home by acting with reckless abandon towards the other human beings and lower forms of life such as cats and alligators.
At this point, Cairo had to take a piss break. When he returned, Cairo was a man with a renewed vigor and a sense that anything was possible in the universe. We chatted about the upcoming baseball season and Cairo was thrilled to learn that his dear friend Dmitri Young made the roster in Washington. Cairo also expressed a long-term goal of purchasing a major league franchise. Cairo abruptly turned his attention to his upcoming tag match with Biohazard against the team of Jimpy and Ryu Kecendrai. Cairo seemed to be giddy at the thought of once again teaming with his dear friend Biohazard and generously offered some words of advice for his opponents.
Bobby Cairo: Jimpy, Wimpy, Dopey, Gropey, Mr. McFeeley, I mean seriously what the hell type of message are we sending to kids with this crap?! What's this other guy, Ryu Kecendrai? First we had Dake Ken, then we had Drake Kencedro. Now we have Ryu Kecendrai. I think WCF Creative is spending a little too much time watching Kung Fu reruns on Channel 39. Let’s be honest, if you think Jimpy and Kecendrai are gonna win this match then you probably had Memphis penciled into your Final Four brackets! I don't know a damn thing about either of these guys. All I know is that I like to hurt people and this match will offer me and Biohazard ample opportunity to do so. Choke on it, slappy!
One final topic that Cairo wanted to discuss was his and Biohazard's upcoming tag match at Blast. That match will feature the newly dubbed Serpent Saints in a grudge match against Lawnmower Jones and a tag partner of Jones' choosing. Cairo has gained both great enjoyment and suffered a calamity of tragedies over the course of his feud with Lawnmower Jones. However, this feud will take a new dynamic when Jones introduces his mystery partner. What are Cairo's thoughts on this matter? Let's listen to the man himself.
Bobby Cairo: I have to be honest, I lied when I said that I don't care about Jones' partner. I do care because I just can't understand why anybody would sacrifice themselves and put their well being on the line to help a piece of trash like Jones. What type of lunatic would engage in a suicide mission such as this? It's a multi-million dollar question and I'm willing to bet that the answer is John Stamos. Let's be honest, Stamos hasn't done much since Full House got cancelled. I mean he divorced Rebecca Romijn, but that just shows how crazy he is. I believe that Stamos will be Jones' partner and that's why I've been watching Full House reruns every night on Nick@Nite. I will never be caught offguard, Mr. Jones and Mr. Stamos, and I will claim victory by any means necessary! All hail the Serpent Saints! Huzzah!
This was the end of the interview as Cairo began to drift off into total incoherence and a seemingly never-ending stream of Backlundisms. As we loaded our equipment into the van, Cairo did leave us with a parting thought. Cairo instructed us to invest in aluminum siding because, as he put it, the little green men can't read our minds if we use aluminum siding. Cairo then ran away and attempted to fly by flapping his arms and screaming "I am the freebird!"
Bobby Cairo: I remember when Lawnmower Jones was the president of the Lisa Bonet fanclub. I have to admit that I was a charter member. Oh yes indeed, Ms. Bonet made me spruce my juicer on many a night. Those days are long gone. Jones and Cairo are no longer allies in masturbation. Thus begins my meticulous dissection of all things Jones. This is not a conspiracy theory, Jones. You really are going to die. The reason why I hate you is because you are envious of everything that I have. You're envious because you know that I've done the hard work and achieved the rewards, yet you want to coast by and take that free ride. This ain't grammar school, sonny boy. When you screw up around here, you don't get a ruler across the knuckles. You get hung high by your ankles and you get fucked hard up the asshole. That's not a sexual thing, it's a metaphor. It means that I have a cornucopia of horrors that await you. I promised before War that I would raise the stakes. I promised that any motherfuckers who be trippin' would feel my wrath. That's why this has become such a beautiful situation between you and me, Mr. Jones. It's beautiful because I can do whatever I want without consequence or reprimand. You will bite my butt and you will have no choice but to swallow.
At this point in the conversation, Cairo took a break to grab a bucket of KFC. Cairo seemed to take a great deal of glee from chomping into the juicy pieces of chicken breast and devouring the hot white meat below. Cairo repeatedly offered us some of the chicken, but watching this man eat was truly a sight to behold. He dissected the fried chicken the same way that he dissects his opponents inside of the wrestling ring. After washing down his meal with a large cup of Pepsi Cola, Cairo turned his attention back to Lawnmower Jones. Let's roll that tape, Boogie.
Bobby Cairo: Jones what will you do when you come before the Ethics Committee? I'm not talking about some brain-bent politicos like Todd Kennedy and Trent Lopp. I'm talking about a real man with real balls. I'm talking about Bobby Cairo. When you stand before Cairo and await your judgement, what terrors will be running through your puerile little consciousness? Will you be thinking about your beloved Lonnie? Will you be thinking about saving your ass?! Answer me, boy! I'm gonna mess you up so bad! I gotta calm my nerves. I need some strawberry shortcake, that's the ticket. I know I'm eating a lot of stuff, but I need those vitamins and minerals. Cut!
Cairo drove himself over to the local grocer's market and purchased a slab of sugary dessert cake. Cairo was not nearly as professional with the cake as he had been with the chicken. Cairo had frosting in his hair and on his chest before this encounter had reached its logical conclusion. I began to wonder if the man standing before me was no less a genius than a psychopath, but I had no choice but to continue filming. Something inside of me was compelling me to continue down this slippery slope.
Bobby Cairo: Mothers are very protective of their sons. I wonder if Jones' mother gave a shit about him? I wonder if she disciplined Jones? I wonder if she beat her son? I wonder what would happen if I took a trip to the mystical land of wonder and enchantment known as Scotland and visited Mrs. Jones? Perhaps I could uncover any number of awe-inspiring tidbits regarding my mortal enemy? Yes, this sounds like a plan. In the week leading up to Blast I will visit LJ's mother and we will get to the root of Jones' irrational and psychotic behavior! What made Jones the nutjob that he is today? Why would any mother allow her son to transform into such an abomination? And what of the boy's father? Oh my goodness gracious I can't hardly wait! I'm gonna call my travel agent and book a round-trip flight to Scotland right now!
Cairo steals my cellphone and runs off in his brown paper grocery bag to book his travel plans. That's not exactly the sight that I expected to see when I planned this interview, but why would I be surprised? Cairo's behavior has grown increasingly bizarre with each passing season. What singular moment spawned this chemical reaction inside of Cairo's brain? Cairo was gracious enough to explain this phenomenon after completing the phonecall with his travel agent.
Bobby Cairo: Do you remember The Lottery? It was a story written by a mentally ill woman named Shirley Jackson. The story was set in this perverse little town in Arizona. So they had this lottery and the winner of the lottery did not receive any sort of cash money prizes. No, sir, they stoned that motherfucker. That's a hell of a prize, ain't it? The point is that I read that story and it really spoke to me. Society is just like that. We want to tear people down, diminish their accomplishments and tarnish their reputations. We're a sick culture, that's for sure. It's almost like when those Mayans or Aztecs or whoever the fuck used to make human sacrifices. It might have been the Incas. Anyway, we're a cannibal culture and I just want to hammer that point home by acting with reckless abandon towards the other human beings and lower forms of life such as cats and alligators.
At this point, Cairo had to take a piss break. When he returned, Cairo was a man with a renewed vigor and a sense that anything was possible in the universe. We chatted about the upcoming baseball season and Cairo was thrilled to learn that his dear friend Dmitri Young made the roster in Washington. Cairo also expressed a long-term goal of purchasing a major league franchise. Cairo abruptly turned his attention to his upcoming tag match with Biohazard against the team of Jimpy and Ryu Kecendrai. Cairo seemed to be giddy at the thought of once again teaming with his dear friend Biohazard and generously offered some words of advice for his opponents.
Bobby Cairo: Jimpy, Wimpy, Dopey, Gropey, Mr. McFeeley, I mean seriously what the hell type of message are we sending to kids with this crap?! What's this other guy, Ryu Kecendrai? First we had Dake Ken, then we had Drake Kencedro. Now we have Ryu Kecendrai. I think WCF Creative is spending a little too much time watching Kung Fu reruns on Channel 39. Let’s be honest, if you think Jimpy and Kecendrai are gonna win this match then you probably had Memphis penciled into your Final Four brackets! I don't know a damn thing about either of these guys. All I know is that I like to hurt people and this match will offer me and Biohazard ample opportunity to do so. Choke on it, slappy!
One final topic that Cairo wanted to discuss was his and Biohazard's upcoming tag match at Blast. That match will feature the newly dubbed Serpent Saints in a grudge match against Lawnmower Jones and a tag partner of Jones' choosing. Cairo has gained both great enjoyment and suffered a calamity of tragedies over the course of his feud with Lawnmower Jones. However, this feud will take a new dynamic when Jones introduces his mystery partner. What are Cairo's thoughts on this matter? Let's listen to the man himself.
Bobby Cairo: I have to be honest, I lied when I said that I don't care about Jones' partner. I do care because I just can't understand why anybody would sacrifice themselves and put their well being on the line to help a piece of trash like Jones. What type of lunatic would engage in a suicide mission such as this? It's a multi-million dollar question and I'm willing to bet that the answer is John Stamos. Let's be honest, Stamos hasn't done much since Full House got cancelled. I mean he divorced Rebecca Romijn, but that just shows how crazy he is. I believe that Stamos will be Jones' partner and that's why I've been watching Full House reruns every night on Nick@Nite. I will never be caught offguard, Mr. Jones and Mr. Stamos, and I will claim victory by any means necessary! All hail the Serpent Saints! Huzzah!
This was the end of the interview as Cairo began to drift off into total incoherence and a seemingly never-ending stream of Backlundisms. As we loaded our equipment into the van, Cairo did leave us with a parting thought. Cairo instructed us to invest in aluminum siding because, as he put it, the little green men can't read our minds if we use aluminum siding. Cairo then ran away and attempted to fly by flapping his arms and screaming "I am the freebird!"
