Post by Andre Jenson on Jan 22, 2016 22:12:13 GMT -5
Derrick Rose was just getting settled in the United Center, ready for his pre match ritual. He had shown up to the arena pretty early today and Fred Hoiberg was quite happy with the last outing against the Pistons. His previous injury issues seemed to be behind him now and he was content to show the world just how good he was. The Warriors would be tough opposition but he was confident they could get a win. He stretched his troublesome knee out a bit while looking up to the hoop on the free throw line. The ball in his hands feeling comfortable and warm, a natural feeling, like holding a baby. Unlike a baby though, he bounced it. The echo filling the empty arena. He bounced again and took the shot. It was perfect. “That was 20 in a row” he thought. “Or was it 21?” He stopped for a moment to grab a bottle of the sports drink that was sitting beside him. A voice came from the bleachers, a female voice.
“20 in a row, not bad.” Said Amy, her voice echoing off the empty arena's walls, just like the ball.
“I thought it was 21,” he replied, taking a sip of his drink and moving to the bench to sit down.
Amy walked down the bleachers to court side, with a big smile on her face. She held her hand out to him, he shook it.
“Amy.” She simply stated as a greeting. “Thanks for the invitation to the show.” She took in the view of the empty arena. “I'm always fascinated by these things, AJ is in them all the time but by the time I've done everything he needs doing the arena is full. I've never been in an empty one.”
Derrick smiled, he loved empty arenas, he loved the silence of it, when the place filled up with 20,000 people it became a cauldron of noise. It helped him focus and find his calm centre before the game. “It's pretty special,” he said, nodding in agreement. He then looked at the clock on the scoreboard. “I'm sorry Amy, but I don't have too much time. What can I do for you?”
“Ah, quite, quite, I wasn't going to keep you too long anyway,” Amy agreed. “I just wanted to ask you a few questions about a native of Chicago, a man who said he played minor league here.” She was wincing as she said this.
“Yeah, I know quite a few guys who balled in the minors, what's his name?”
“It's a bit of a stupid one, to be honest I don't think he ever played here.”
“Don't worry girl, If he played in the minors I'd know him. I have this crazy knowledge.”
“Kyle Kemp.” Amy grimaced when she said this, looking away quickly. Derrick Rose looked at her as if she was stupid, staring at her for a good 30 seconds.
“Kyle Kemp?” He finally asked, incredulously. Amy could only nod in embarrassment. “The dude didn't even play pro ball!” He exclaimed, exasperated. Yet again here was another woman who didn't know what she was talking about, pretending to know about Basketball.
Amy was a little defensive now. She sighed. “I know!” She started to let out her frustration now. “My boss, AJ. He has no idea about sports. Other than wrestling obviously. Kyle Kemp used to play in the minors at Baseball, AJ had it in his head that Baseball and basketball are the same thing. In fact his exact words were 'What's the difference?' When we told him he was asking about the wrong sport. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.” She blushed and started as if to go. Derrick Rose shook his head.
“No, no, don't worry about it girl. You just do what your boss tells you, even if it's stupid. I like that.” He smiled at her before suddenly remembering something. “My agent said something about a pickup game? Maybe I can help your boss figure out the difference between basketball and baseball while I'm there!”
Amy smiled again before hesitating. “Er, yeah if you want to try, be my guest” She laughed. “After the game tonight we'll have a car waiting outside. If you want to join this pickup game then come along. We pay very well if you show, and even better if you do well.” She stood up and held her hand out again. “Thanks for the chat, Derrick. I've got another 11 of these conversations to go through. Wish me luck!” Derrick took her hand and laughed.
“Good luck with that, if you go speak to LeBron, play to his ego a bit. It'll work.”
“I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the tip.” Amy left the arena through the players entrance while Derrick stood and took his ball back to the free throw line for another couple of shots.
Much later that evening, Amy arrived back at Kem, making her way directly to the Kem All Star All State Dragon Lance Rogue Bowl Arena. Sponsored by Wizards of the Coast. It was a mouthful, but it is what it is. Amy merely called it the Arena. After all, it was the only one on the island and was used for a combination of indoor concerts and massive games of paint ball and or combat games. In this case, it had been fitted out to be the arena for the pickup game of 12 NBA stars from all over the league.
“Hi AJ!” Amy said when she saw AJ standing on the centre of the court, surveying his arena. He looked up at her and waved her over.
“Lady, come.” He stated. “How did the mission fare?” AJ had woken up this morning and was stuck in “fantasy mode” usually he at least had moments of normality and was out of character so to speak. Not today. Andre was Lord Jenson, Archduke of the plains of Silmanor and nobody else. He was holding his hand out for Amy to take. She took it.
“It fared well, my Lord. We have recruited Sirs Rose, James, Davis, Griffin, Bogdanovic, Bryant, Anthony, Harden, Duncan, Lillard, Deng and Lin to the game.”
AJ nodded in appreciation at this, smiling slightly at the corners, while still holding Amy's hand. “Very well. Good job Lady. This game should be one of wonderment and grandeur. Learning a sport that Kyle Kemp himself plays should stand me in good stead when it comes down to battle.”
Amy sighed, “My Lord, I must beseech you again, this game is not one of which Kemp knows.”
AJ scoffed. “Of course, of course. I have modified it slightly, but I assure you the spirit of the game will be similar to what these fine combatants and Kemp know and love.”
“Again, my Lord I must per...” She was cut off by AJ raising his hand to stop her.
“Say no more about this, Amy. I understand your concerns, but you must trust me. I shall hear no more about this. I've realised that I must beat Kemp at his own game in order to beat him in the ring and I shall do it. I still don't understand how the wretched rogue managed to evade a beating on Slam.”
“Well he locked you out of the arena to start with, then when you did fight you ended up brawling out of the arena.”
“Quite,” AJ pondered this. “Tragically, he took me out of our battle area and engineered a way to move into a place he seems a little more comfortable. The cur. Oh, he's a sly one at that, a cunning foe! But I am ready for him this time. He will surely not escape the clutches of Teo Del Sol and myself.”
“You said that about Joey Flash last week,” said Amy, respectfully.
“Joey Flash is a different proposition. He was blinded by rage and hatred toward that monster Oblivion. He was never there in the battle. Teo is different. Our bond has been forged in battle and there is respect from both of our houses. I believe we are now #shootbuddies.” He smiled at Amy and turned to her, to look upon her face. “I trust his house. He won't let this Kyle Kemp cur get away. This week, we shall have our vengeance!” He raised a fist to the ceiling as he said this. “He should believe this bit of advice! He should bring all the health potions he has because I'll be entering this match with a +1 and I'm planning on rolling only critical hits.”
Amy cringed at this. “Lame,” she muttered under hear breath.
“What's that?” AJ asked.
“Nothing, my Lord.” She replied. I will retire to my room, I suggest you do the same. The game begins tomorrow at noon.”
AJ nodded, looking at the court one last time before following her out of the arena.
“Twill be a fine game.” He said to himself.
The following morning, 12 NBA players descended on Kem. Entering the island together on a private plane that had been picking them all up throughout the night. They had been told about the pickup game and that AJ would be meeting them a few hours beforehand to go over the rules. Not that any of them needed any rules to be told to them. They were professional NBA players thank you very much. However, AJ felt it necessary to issue each one of them with a 600 page hardback book with the rules embedded for each one of their roles on court. Naturally, the players ignored this and took their time travelling to Kem generally talking about anything but the game that they were about to play. At one point they had an impromptu game of poker, where Anthony Davis cleaned house and took everything the rest had on them. That included roughly $30k, keys for one of LeBron's Ferraris, a couple of Rolexes and Derrick Rose's medical insurance documents (He has awesome insurance.)
When they piled out of the jet in the morning, they were in good spirits and were met at the hangar by a 12 seater limousine that took them to the arena. Things were good. Very good in fact.
For now.
It started to dawn on the players that they weren't in for a normal pickup game of basketball as they believed. At least looking at the court it wasn't.
The court had the same wooden floor as a basketball court, however the basket (yes, one basket) stood with no backboard in the middle of the court, where the tip off circle stands. Where the baskets usually sit were two pits, one filled with various weapons, including staves, bows, swords, shields and lances and the other with armour. On the far end of the court there were two horses, in full barding, standing still like statues, awaiting riders.
The players all looked at AJ in with the sort of face that can only be described as “what the fuck?”
“Welcome, gentlemen!” Boomed AJ as he strode across the court to their location, his arms held open wide as if to personally embrace each and every one of them into his home. “Welcome to Kem-ball!” He gestured toward the court in a sweeping motion as he introduced the game. The players, to their credit didn't just up and walk out. Maybe because of the $10m each were getting for this, or maybe it was the deep fascination of what's going to happen. Who knows?
“I trust each and every one of you has read the rules from the handbook I provided?” The players looked at each other and collectively thought as one 'fuck it, let's wing this bitch' and nodded together. AJ beamed his best salesman's smile. “OK then. You 6 on the left of me are one team, the six to the right are the other.” He pointed at Bogdanovic and Deng who were on opposite sides. “You two suit up, it's time for the startup joust.”
“The what now?” Asked Deng
“You know, the joust to figure out which team starts with the ball of destiny and which team starts with the bell of shame.”
Deng and Bogdanovic made a look at each other as if to say 'think of the dollars' and shrugged, going off to the armour pit to suit up. AJ continued to explain to the rest of them.
“Gentlemen, this game is simple. The two men you see will run jousts every time a basket is scored, to determine which one of you gets this.” He picks up a basketball and shows it to the players, “Or this,” he then drops the ball and picks up a cowbell. “In order to score you have to put the ball into the basket, the lines on the court decide what bonus you get when you take the shot.” He walks to the court and stands on the line furthest away from the hoop, roughly a 40 foot circle away from the basket.
“If you take it from here, you get a -4 on your shot” Explained AJ. He moved forward to the next line, roughly 35 feet away. “Here you get -3 and so on and so on. At 20 feet there is a red line where you get a baseline zero. Then you go +1 at 15, +2 at 10 +3 at 5 feet. Simple enough to remember.”
The players looked at each other, puzzled at this point, but again, shrugged. Money is money.
“To take the shot you need to roll this d20 and get over 16 in order to take it, unless the bell of shame is in your quadrant, in which case you have to hit a 20. Remember a natural 20 always means you get the shot taken. You're only allowed to move 5 feet at a time, remember this important fact. You have a spell of slowness on you all. Except for the bell team who can move 10 feet. The object of the bell team is to get the ball back by ringing the bell within 5 feet of the ball carrier.”
“First team to 21 baskets wins. Watch out for traps and fouls, standard things really. Any questions?”
The NBA players had plenty of questions, mostly 'what the actual fuck?' 'When do we get paid?' And suchlike. None of them wanted to admit they didn't have the faintest idea what was happening though so they all kept quiet, looking at the floor and asking their questions to themselves instead.
AJ smiled. “Good,” he said. “Then we shall begin, I see our riders are on the jousting horses and are ready to go!”
Trumpets sound out from the tannoy system as the PA officially begins the game. Bogdanovic and Deng, sitting atop of their magnificent horses, wearing full plate armour stare at each other. Bogdanovic pulled the visor down over his face, giving Deng a glare as if he is plotting certain destruction of anything he's ever seen. Deng, a little more nervously pulled his down. The horses then started to gallop at each other.
SMASH!
The sound of jousting poles hitting shield and armour echoed around the arena, quickly followed by a clatter as Deng was unseated from his horse.
“Team Bogdanovic has the ball!” AJ shouted, by this time he and the other players had relocated on the court. LeBron, Griffen, Harden, Duncan and Lillard lined up on Bogdanovic's side while Rose, Davis, Bryant, Anthony and Lin lined up on the side of Deng.
AJ quickly checked team positions.
Rose and LeBron were playing lead tank. Their job was to distract and disrupt the opposition as much as he could on offense and defence. When weapons came into play, these guys had first choice
Griffen and Davis were playing chief outfitters. Their job was to co-ordinate where the ball and bell went, as well as collect weapons and armour when appropriate.
Harden and Bryant were the sharpshooters. Their main job was to finish off the plays that the chief outfitters started, basically to score the points or get the ball.
Duncan and Anthony were the bards. Their job was to support the play as much as they could with song and merriment, as well as look for traps.
Lillard and Lin were the rollers. Their main job was to roll the dice and let the other players know if they were good to take the shot, ring the bell, move or generally do anything. They also helped co-ordinate inventory and were the outfitters right hand men.
AJ threw the ball to Griffen and the game began. Griffen immediately moved 5 feet to the 30 feet line, while Lillard rolled the dice. “NO!” Lillard shouted, indicating the roll was unsuccessful and that he couldn't take the shot. Rose and LeBron were starting a small scuffle ahead of him under the basket, while Griffen and Davis were shouting instructions to Harden and Bryant. Davis in particular wanting Bryant to sneak up on Griffen with the bell. Duncan was rapping about something incoherent while Anthony was starting a nice dramatic ballad about the love of manga.
It wasn't long before AJ blew the trumpet and stopped the game.
“FOUL! AGAINST THE OFFENSE BARD!” He shouted. “INSUFFICIENT MELODY! PENALTY, TWO MINUTES!” He ended with a flourish and then asked Duncan to leave the court and for Davis to go collect a weapon for LeBron to use. He got a nice big mace and handed it to LeBron. AJ started the game again, giving the ball to Davis. Lillard and Lin were furiously rolling and shouting results to the rolls while Duncan sat on the sidelines, waiting to come back onto the pitch.
After a nice move involving LeBron carving a path through to the basket by destroying the bell carrier and allowing Bryant to score from the 20 foot line. 1-0 to Deng's team.
Deng then won the second joust, giving the ball back to his team. They quickly took a 2-0 lead after a speculative shot and roll from LeBron from 30 feet. Harden was just about to take a shot to make it 2-1 when Jenson called another foul. “FOUL! DEFENCE TANK! FREE THROW!” He gestured for LeBron to come to him. “BRING THE STOCKS!” He shouted. Griffen ran to the equipment area and grabbed the stocks and wheeled them onto the court. “Get in there” he asked LeBron, who duly obliged.
“OK, you have a free throw Harden.” He handed him a tomato and looked at him expectantly. Harden shrugged, aimed at LeBron and smashed the tomato right in his face.
“Good shot,” AJ encouraged. “Now take the shot at the basket.”
Harden made the shot and the joust began again.
And so the match continued. Ebbing and flowing, Bogdanovic's team threatening to pull away most of the time, getting a 2 – 3 point lead before Deng's team kept pulling them back. Nearing the end of the match, both teams were armed to the teeth, traps had been disarmed all over the place. Tomato juice was hanging off everyone you could see and the two captains were bashed and bruised on their horses. It was 20-20 and Bogdanovic's team had the ball. Griffen was on the 35 yard line and Bryant was sitting with the bell on the 10 yard line, waiting for him to come close enough to bell him out, but not too far away so he could get a good shot off. He was also marking Harden, wanting to make sure he didn't have an open pass – especially as the trap was disabled on the 30 yard quadrant.
Griffen faked a pass, saw Bryan make a move toward Harden and saw that Rose was pinning LeBron away from him. He pulled up and, hearing the eager “YES” from Lillard took his shot. Almost as if it was slow motion, the ball flew through the air and dropped in the basket with a satisfying “swoosh.”
Once this dropped, three things happened.
1: Everyone on the team went crazy in celebration
2: A cannon went off somewhere in the background as ticker tape started to fall down from the ceiling
3: A giant trophy was presented. Made of wood and gold, with a statue of AJ holding a ball as the centrepiece. He gave the trophy to Bogdanovic with a giant smile. Amy took a bunch of pictures.
While the players were talking between themselves, AJ saw Sir Slashalot watching from the bleachers. He went to him and sat down.
“I thought you were going to play in this game.” Stated Slashalot.
“Neigh,” replied AJ “One had to sit away from the game to truly understand just what Kemp sees in it.”
“What did you learn? It seemed an overly complicated and quite pointless game from what I saw.” Slashalot mused.
AJ laughed. “Maybe so my friend, maybe so. One thing is true!” AJ slapped Slashalot's knee while standing up. “It's still less pointless than baseball.”
“20 in a row, not bad.” Said Amy, her voice echoing off the empty arena's walls, just like the ball.
“I thought it was 21,” he replied, taking a sip of his drink and moving to the bench to sit down.
Amy walked down the bleachers to court side, with a big smile on her face. She held her hand out to him, he shook it.
“Amy.” She simply stated as a greeting. “Thanks for the invitation to the show.” She took in the view of the empty arena. “I'm always fascinated by these things, AJ is in them all the time but by the time I've done everything he needs doing the arena is full. I've never been in an empty one.”
Derrick smiled, he loved empty arenas, he loved the silence of it, when the place filled up with 20,000 people it became a cauldron of noise. It helped him focus and find his calm centre before the game. “It's pretty special,” he said, nodding in agreement. He then looked at the clock on the scoreboard. “I'm sorry Amy, but I don't have too much time. What can I do for you?”
“Ah, quite, quite, I wasn't going to keep you too long anyway,” Amy agreed. “I just wanted to ask you a few questions about a native of Chicago, a man who said he played minor league here.” She was wincing as she said this.
“Yeah, I know quite a few guys who balled in the minors, what's his name?”
“It's a bit of a stupid one, to be honest I don't think he ever played here.”
“Don't worry girl, If he played in the minors I'd know him. I have this crazy knowledge.”
“Kyle Kemp.” Amy grimaced when she said this, looking away quickly. Derrick Rose looked at her as if she was stupid, staring at her for a good 30 seconds.
“Kyle Kemp?” He finally asked, incredulously. Amy could only nod in embarrassment. “The dude didn't even play pro ball!” He exclaimed, exasperated. Yet again here was another woman who didn't know what she was talking about, pretending to know about Basketball.
Amy was a little defensive now. She sighed. “I know!” She started to let out her frustration now. “My boss, AJ. He has no idea about sports. Other than wrestling obviously. Kyle Kemp used to play in the minors at Baseball, AJ had it in his head that Baseball and basketball are the same thing. In fact his exact words were 'What's the difference?' When we told him he was asking about the wrong sport. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.” She blushed and started as if to go. Derrick Rose shook his head.
“No, no, don't worry about it girl. You just do what your boss tells you, even if it's stupid. I like that.” He smiled at her before suddenly remembering something. “My agent said something about a pickup game? Maybe I can help your boss figure out the difference between basketball and baseball while I'm there!”
Amy smiled again before hesitating. “Er, yeah if you want to try, be my guest” She laughed. “After the game tonight we'll have a car waiting outside. If you want to join this pickup game then come along. We pay very well if you show, and even better if you do well.” She stood up and held her hand out again. “Thanks for the chat, Derrick. I've got another 11 of these conversations to go through. Wish me luck!” Derrick took her hand and laughed.
“Good luck with that, if you go speak to LeBron, play to his ego a bit. It'll work.”
“I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the tip.” Amy left the arena through the players entrance while Derrick stood and took his ball back to the free throw line for another couple of shots.
Much later that evening, Amy arrived back at Kem, making her way directly to the Kem All Star All State Dragon Lance Rogue Bowl Arena. Sponsored by Wizards of the Coast. It was a mouthful, but it is what it is. Amy merely called it the Arena. After all, it was the only one on the island and was used for a combination of indoor concerts and massive games of paint ball and or combat games. In this case, it had been fitted out to be the arena for the pickup game of 12 NBA stars from all over the league.
“Hi AJ!” Amy said when she saw AJ standing on the centre of the court, surveying his arena. He looked up at her and waved her over.
“Lady, come.” He stated. “How did the mission fare?” AJ had woken up this morning and was stuck in “fantasy mode” usually he at least had moments of normality and was out of character so to speak. Not today. Andre was Lord Jenson, Archduke of the plains of Silmanor and nobody else. He was holding his hand out for Amy to take. She took it.
“It fared well, my Lord. We have recruited Sirs Rose, James, Davis, Griffin, Bogdanovic, Bryant, Anthony, Harden, Duncan, Lillard, Deng and Lin to the game.”
AJ nodded in appreciation at this, smiling slightly at the corners, while still holding Amy's hand. “Very well. Good job Lady. This game should be one of wonderment and grandeur. Learning a sport that Kyle Kemp himself plays should stand me in good stead when it comes down to battle.”
Amy sighed, “My Lord, I must beseech you again, this game is not one of which Kemp knows.”
AJ scoffed. “Of course, of course. I have modified it slightly, but I assure you the spirit of the game will be similar to what these fine combatants and Kemp know and love.”
“Again, my Lord I must per...” She was cut off by AJ raising his hand to stop her.
“Say no more about this, Amy. I understand your concerns, but you must trust me. I shall hear no more about this. I've realised that I must beat Kemp at his own game in order to beat him in the ring and I shall do it. I still don't understand how the wretched rogue managed to evade a beating on Slam.”
“Well he locked you out of the arena to start with, then when you did fight you ended up brawling out of the arena.”
“Quite,” AJ pondered this. “Tragically, he took me out of our battle area and engineered a way to move into a place he seems a little more comfortable. The cur. Oh, he's a sly one at that, a cunning foe! But I am ready for him this time. He will surely not escape the clutches of Teo Del Sol and myself.”
“You said that about Joey Flash last week,” said Amy, respectfully.
“Joey Flash is a different proposition. He was blinded by rage and hatred toward that monster Oblivion. He was never there in the battle. Teo is different. Our bond has been forged in battle and there is respect from both of our houses. I believe we are now #shootbuddies.” He smiled at Amy and turned to her, to look upon her face. “I trust his house. He won't let this Kyle Kemp cur get away. This week, we shall have our vengeance!” He raised a fist to the ceiling as he said this. “He should believe this bit of advice! He should bring all the health potions he has because I'll be entering this match with a +1 and I'm planning on rolling only critical hits.”
Amy cringed at this. “Lame,” she muttered under hear breath.
“What's that?” AJ asked.
“Nothing, my Lord.” She replied. I will retire to my room, I suggest you do the same. The game begins tomorrow at noon.”
AJ nodded, looking at the court one last time before following her out of the arena.
“Twill be a fine game.” He said to himself.
The following morning, 12 NBA players descended on Kem. Entering the island together on a private plane that had been picking them all up throughout the night. They had been told about the pickup game and that AJ would be meeting them a few hours beforehand to go over the rules. Not that any of them needed any rules to be told to them. They were professional NBA players thank you very much. However, AJ felt it necessary to issue each one of them with a 600 page hardback book with the rules embedded for each one of their roles on court. Naturally, the players ignored this and took their time travelling to Kem generally talking about anything but the game that they were about to play. At one point they had an impromptu game of poker, where Anthony Davis cleaned house and took everything the rest had on them. That included roughly $30k, keys for one of LeBron's Ferraris, a couple of Rolexes and Derrick Rose's medical insurance documents (He has awesome insurance.)
When they piled out of the jet in the morning, they were in good spirits and were met at the hangar by a 12 seater limousine that took them to the arena. Things were good. Very good in fact.
For now.
It started to dawn on the players that they weren't in for a normal pickup game of basketball as they believed. At least looking at the court it wasn't.
The court had the same wooden floor as a basketball court, however the basket (yes, one basket) stood with no backboard in the middle of the court, where the tip off circle stands. Where the baskets usually sit were two pits, one filled with various weapons, including staves, bows, swords, shields and lances and the other with armour. On the far end of the court there were two horses, in full barding, standing still like statues, awaiting riders.
The players all looked at AJ in with the sort of face that can only be described as “what the fuck?”
“Welcome, gentlemen!” Boomed AJ as he strode across the court to their location, his arms held open wide as if to personally embrace each and every one of them into his home. “Welcome to Kem-ball!” He gestured toward the court in a sweeping motion as he introduced the game. The players, to their credit didn't just up and walk out. Maybe because of the $10m each were getting for this, or maybe it was the deep fascination of what's going to happen. Who knows?
“I trust each and every one of you has read the rules from the handbook I provided?” The players looked at each other and collectively thought as one 'fuck it, let's wing this bitch' and nodded together. AJ beamed his best salesman's smile. “OK then. You 6 on the left of me are one team, the six to the right are the other.” He pointed at Bogdanovic and Deng who were on opposite sides. “You two suit up, it's time for the startup joust.”
“The what now?” Asked Deng
“You know, the joust to figure out which team starts with the ball of destiny and which team starts with the bell of shame.”
Deng and Bogdanovic made a look at each other as if to say 'think of the dollars' and shrugged, going off to the armour pit to suit up. AJ continued to explain to the rest of them.
“Gentlemen, this game is simple. The two men you see will run jousts every time a basket is scored, to determine which one of you gets this.” He picks up a basketball and shows it to the players, “Or this,” he then drops the ball and picks up a cowbell. “In order to score you have to put the ball into the basket, the lines on the court decide what bonus you get when you take the shot.” He walks to the court and stands on the line furthest away from the hoop, roughly a 40 foot circle away from the basket.
“If you take it from here, you get a -4 on your shot” Explained AJ. He moved forward to the next line, roughly 35 feet away. “Here you get -3 and so on and so on. At 20 feet there is a red line where you get a baseline zero. Then you go +1 at 15, +2 at 10 +3 at 5 feet. Simple enough to remember.”
The players looked at each other, puzzled at this point, but again, shrugged. Money is money.
“To take the shot you need to roll this d20 and get over 16 in order to take it, unless the bell of shame is in your quadrant, in which case you have to hit a 20. Remember a natural 20 always means you get the shot taken. You're only allowed to move 5 feet at a time, remember this important fact. You have a spell of slowness on you all. Except for the bell team who can move 10 feet. The object of the bell team is to get the ball back by ringing the bell within 5 feet of the ball carrier.”
“First team to 21 baskets wins. Watch out for traps and fouls, standard things really. Any questions?”
The NBA players had plenty of questions, mostly 'what the actual fuck?' 'When do we get paid?' And suchlike. None of them wanted to admit they didn't have the faintest idea what was happening though so they all kept quiet, looking at the floor and asking their questions to themselves instead.
AJ smiled. “Good,” he said. “Then we shall begin, I see our riders are on the jousting horses and are ready to go!”
Trumpets sound out from the tannoy system as the PA officially begins the game. Bogdanovic and Deng, sitting atop of their magnificent horses, wearing full plate armour stare at each other. Bogdanovic pulled the visor down over his face, giving Deng a glare as if he is plotting certain destruction of anything he's ever seen. Deng, a little more nervously pulled his down. The horses then started to gallop at each other.
SMASH!
The sound of jousting poles hitting shield and armour echoed around the arena, quickly followed by a clatter as Deng was unseated from his horse.
“Team Bogdanovic has the ball!” AJ shouted, by this time he and the other players had relocated on the court. LeBron, Griffen, Harden, Duncan and Lillard lined up on Bogdanovic's side while Rose, Davis, Bryant, Anthony and Lin lined up on the side of Deng.
AJ quickly checked team positions.
Rose and LeBron were playing lead tank. Their job was to distract and disrupt the opposition as much as he could on offense and defence. When weapons came into play, these guys had first choice
Griffen and Davis were playing chief outfitters. Their job was to co-ordinate where the ball and bell went, as well as collect weapons and armour when appropriate.
Harden and Bryant were the sharpshooters. Their main job was to finish off the plays that the chief outfitters started, basically to score the points or get the ball.
Duncan and Anthony were the bards. Their job was to support the play as much as they could with song and merriment, as well as look for traps.
Lillard and Lin were the rollers. Their main job was to roll the dice and let the other players know if they were good to take the shot, ring the bell, move or generally do anything. They also helped co-ordinate inventory and were the outfitters right hand men.
AJ threw the ball to Griffen and the game began. Griffen immediately moved 5 feet to the 30 feet line, while Lillard rolled the dice. “NO!” Lillard shouted, indicating the roll was unsuccessful and that he couldn't take the shot. Rose and LeBron were starting a small scuffle ahead of him under the basket, while Griffen and Davis were shouting instructions to Harden and Bryant. Davis in particular wanting Bryant to sneak up on Griffen with the bell. Duncan was rapping about something incoherent while Anthony was starting a nice dramatic ballad about the love of manga.
It wasn't long before AJ blew the trumpet and stopped the game.
“FOUL! AGAINST THE OFFENSE BARD!” He shouted. “INSUFFICIENT MELODY! PENALTY, TWO MINUTES!” He ended with a flourish and then asked Duncan to leave the court and for Davis to go collect a weapon for LeBron to use. He got a nice big mace and handed it to LeBron. AJ started the game again, giving the ball to Davis. Lillard and Lin were furiously rolling and shouting results to the rolls while Duncan sat on the sidelines, waiting to come back onto the pitch.
After a nice move involving LeBron carving a path through to the basket by destroying the bell carrier and allowing Bryant to score from the 20 foot line. 1-0 to Deng's team.
Deng then won the second joust, giving the ball back to his team. They quickly took a 2-0 lead after a speculative shot and roll from LeBron from 30 feet. Harden was just about to take a shot to make it 2-1 when Jenson called another foul. “FOUL! DEFENCE TANK! FREE THROW!” He gestured for LeBron to come to him. “BRING THE STOCKS!” He shouted. Griffen ran to the equipment area and grabbed the stocks and wheeled them onto the court. “Get in there” he asked LeBron, who duly obliged.
“OK, you have a free throw Harden.” He handed him a tomato and looked at him expectantly. Harden shrugged, aimed at LeBron and smashed the tomato right in his face.
“Good shot,” AJ encouraged. “Now take the shot at the basket.”
Harden made the shot and the joust began again.
And so the match continued. Ebbing and flowing, Bogdanovic's team threatening to pull away most of the time, getting a 2 – 3 point lead before Deng's team kept pulling them back. Nearing the end of the match, both teams were armed to the teeth, traps had been disarmed all over the place. Tomato juice was hanging off everyone you could see and the two captains were bashed and bruised on their horses. It was 20-20 and Bogdanovic's team had the ball. Griffen was on the 35 yard line and Bryant was sitting with the bell on the 10 yard line, waiting for him to come close enough to bell him out, but not too far away so he could get a good shot off. He was also marking Harden, wanting to make sure he didn't have an open pass – especially as the trap was disabled on the 30 yard quadrant.
Griffen faked a pass, saw Bryan make a move toward Harden and saw that Rose was pinning LeBron away from him. He pulled up and, hearing the eager “YES” from Lillard took his shot. Almost as if it was slow motion, the ball flew through the air and dropped in the basket with a satisfying “swoosh.”
Once this dropped, three things happened.
1: Everyone on the team went crazy in celebration
2: A cannon went off somewhere in the background as ticker tape started to fall down from the ceiling
3: A giant trophy was presented. Made of wood and gold, with a statue of AJ holding a ball as the centrepiece. He gave the trophy to Bogdanovic with a giant smile. Amy took a bunch of pictures.
While the players were talking between themselves, AJ saw Sir Slashalot watching from the bleachers. He went to him and sat down.
“I thought you were going to play in this game.” Stated Slashalot.
“Neigh,” replied AJ “One had to sit away from the game to truly understand just what Kemp sees in it.”
“What did you learn? It seemed an overly complicated and quite pointless game from what I saw.” Slashalot mused.
AJ laughed. “Maybe so my friend, maybe so. One thing is true!” AJ slapped Slashalot's knee while standing up. “It's still less pointless than baseball.”
