RP: Nagasaki STILL in America
Handler: Akane “ Suisaki” Katsu
Overview thoughts: laughed a little, got bored and skipped around
RP Breakdown
Scene description: 2
Character Development: 3
Shoot: 1
Flow: 3
Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Critical Review: OK! So we have some good things going and some not-so-good. Nothing bad, just things that don’t mesh too well. In reading the piece, there were some laughs that I had and I got the good and fun nature of the character, so cheers to that. What the promo is missing and what it fails to capture is the “shoot” aspect, the trash talk aspect or the match related content. I went the entire length of the piece to only get a blurp at the end about your match with Minx. Well, that didn’t really accomplish a whole lot except signal to me the promo was over. So I’m going to go over whats good and bad in this piece
Scene Description: It wasn’t bad, could be better. A little more informative on character actions and surroundings, but nothing crazy off the mark.
Character Development: This is your best feature. You really put the character personalities through with simple gestures. It can be expanded upon as you go along but for starting out, that’s fantastic.
Shoot: Shoot, the trash talk, match related content. You didn’t have it. You mentioned the match but that alone isn’t going to get you the win. YOU need to convince the audience that Akane will win the match. You don’t have to be an asshole and swear, Akane is a very capable character and you’ve shown that with his fun loving nature. Now just expand on that into talking about WCF and the opponent or whatever else match related.
Flow: It’s a low score ( 3 of 5 ) because of a few things.
1.) you skip multiple lines between text. As a reader, it makes the piece feel longer than it really is and it doesn’t do anything more than what a normal line skip will do.
[ Odin Balfore is walking down the street when he hears a lot of commotion followed by a loud bang, suddenly a car explodes in front of him
Odin Balfore: Holy Shit ]
^ You don’t need that many line skips. It hurts more than helps.
2.) Help the reader out by indicating to us when you’re describing things, like the bar. So like:
** The Blades Edge bar on a moonlit street, the air is thick with smoke and the stench of blood and sake is prevalent over all else. The bar sits on the back wall with rows of pachinko machines lit up in front of it with mahjong tables to the right. People come here to get a slice of what it’s like back in their home of Japan and is the hub for the Yakuza in America. Mr. Nobunaga pushes the faded, stained door open to this “establishment” and walks to the bar to order a drink. **
Or you can use brackets [ ] or the double colon ‘ :: ‘ Or anything really, to show the reader its different, bold, italics, or whatever you want. Color coding is something you could use too but that is completely optional. Just be consistent. Like when you said that conversation was in japanese, that helps me visualize whats going on
Overall, what you wrote isn’t bad, it’s a fine piece of fan fiction but Efedding is competition. So you need to put out competitive pieces of work. They don’t need to be masterworks but its got to be something that’s Akane and that people will want to read every single week. Like I said, you got a good start and it might take a while to find the footing that you need but you’ll get there.
Suggestions: - work on formatting
- work on match related content and getting your character over as the clear winner of the match
- heres a link to some helpful tips that I posted a while back. Most of which I told you here but maybe you might find something else useful
wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/22455/odin-balfores-promo-tipsIf you have question about anything content related, fed related or anything, shoot me a PM and I'll be happy to help you out the best I can
