Post by Lawnmower Jones on Sept 6, 2006 19:05:50 GMT -5
(The scene opens with the camera inside of a studio audience. Bright lights fill the upper stage, which holds three chairs, one slanted. somewhat facing the others. A few decorative plants are in the background. A large screen TV with blue writing reads the words "Relationship Problems".)
(The studio is somewhat quiet, mostly chatter filling the soundwaves. Suddenly, a younger man stands up, dressed in black, and raises a sign that says "CHEER!". The crowd reacts and begins cheering, and instrumental Jazz music begins to play.)
Male VO: And now, ladies and gentlemen....
(An older man with a chrome dome, cheesy smile, and gray mustache walks out from the backstage area. The man is wearing a black suit with a matching tie, and seems to be physically impressive in size.)
Male VO: Dr. Will!
(The crowd goes nuts as Dr. Will waves to the audience and sits down in the crooked chair. The crowd eventually settles down.)
Dr. Will: (Southern Accent) Now my guests here today are going to be confronting one another. We have users to abusers, lawnsmen to lawncare, and lovers to fighters.
Dr. Will: My first guests today are recently married Lawnmower and Lonnie Jones.
(Jones and Lonnie appear in the chairs, out of nowhere. Well, Lonnie isn't in a chair...)
Dr. Will: The male Jones here is a professional gambler, if I'm not mistaken?
LJ: Wrestler.
(Will looks in front of the cards he is holding. He squints forward, nods, and begins to laugh.)
DW: Oh, I see. Wrestler, huh? Well, according to Lonnie, you have trouble wrestling your wee-wee out of your trousers to take a leak!
(The crowd begins the laugh as Jones' face turns red.)
LJ: I don't have trouble, I just don't see the point...
(The crowd ignores Jones' comment.)
DW: Alright, Lonnie. You say Jones here is verbally and physically abusive towards you. Can you elaborate?
(Before Lonnie can say anything, Jones jumps in.)
LJ: Now hold on, one hot dog minute! I don't "abuse" her in any type of way, Will. Lonnie is a strong minded woman, and I have no problems with this. She says she's an advocate for women's rights, so whenever she says something that would get a man popped in the mouth, how come she gets pardoned?
(The crowd begins to boo maniacally. Jones gets up and begins screaming at all of them. After a couple of seconds, security calms Jones down.)
DW: Now don't focus on these people, they ain't the problem, Hillybilly Jones. You're the problem. You have no respect for women or restraint to hold yourself back!
(Jones begins shaking his head as the crowd begins clapping.)
DW: I sense that you are a very ill-mannered-
LJ: No, you see-
DW: Excuse me?
LJ: You're wron-
DW: Don't ever interrupt me!
(Will stands up as the crowd does and cheers for Will. Will gets in front of Jones and looks down on him.)
DW: Don't interrupt me on my own show, young man! It's rude, arrogant, and I will not stand for it! This is what causes you to beat women! But in reality, do you know what you are? You're a coward! Only cowards beat women up!
(A mini Will chant ensues.)
DW: Come on, tough guy. Hit me.
(The crowd explodes into cheers as Will taps his chin. Jones shakes his head and stands up. The two face one another, and we see, while Will may have a couple of inches, he is nowhere near the muscle bulk to compete with Jones.)
DW: Come on, tough guy. Just one shot!
LJ: I'm a pro wrestler!
DW: Pussy.
LJ: I'm the TV champ!
DW: Pussy!
LJ: I learned from Logan!
DW: Pussy!
LJ: I won't hit you. You're a regular Joe.
(The crowd boos. Will obviously whispers something into Jones' ear, making it unknown. We now go into Jones' point of view, as Will's face turns from Dr. Will to Nate Nytro. Jones' face turns into a frown. He begins breathing heavily and clenching his fists.)
NN Face: You're a wussy.
LJ: No I'm not.
NN Face: You suck cow dick, you fat cunt.
LJ: You're the cunt!
NN Face: Lonnie's pussy tastes like Castrol!
LJ: You're not supposed to know that!
NN Face: Logan doesn't like you!
LJ: Yes he does! Yes he does! He likes me! We're friends!
(As the camera cuts, we see Will's regular face. Him and the crowd are laughing.)
DW: Look at him with his hands all clenched up! Wha! Wha! Boo-hoo! Crybaby!
(Then, out of nowhere, Jones punches Will. Will immediatley falls to his ass, and the camera shakes then goes to a blue screen. After a few seconds of fizz, the screen goes black.)
VO: We're sorry, the program you're trying to watch is currently unavailable-
(The scene cuts back to the studio, where mayhem has ensued. Fans are screaming and running in the background, Dr. Will being carried away by a few security guards. Jones has his own cameraman, who has a shaky at best view. Jones' face is beat red and sweaty, and when he speaks, he spits.)
LJ: Nate Nytro, you think you have what it takes to actually step into the ring with the real TV champ? You think that you of all the people in your stupid little club can beat me? Ha! The day that you lazy piece of shit could actually beat me in a fight is the day pigs talk! Never! Nytro, I'm a man who is feeling mad, feeling angry! I've lost my TV show, my dignity, and possibly my wife! The only thing I have is my title, which you won't be getting, and my friendship with Logan, which you won't be getting! So dream on, cuntmuscle, this title belongs to it's rightful owner!
(Jones looks back to Lonnie.)
LJ: Lonnie, I'll be at home tonight. If you still have sexual feelings for me, bring home a pizza, and not the crappy kind. I want the gourmet Papa Murphy's kind. If you don't come home, I guess you've made your decision.
(Jones looks back to the camera.)
LJ: Just know I take no prisoners. Because your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower!
(The scene fades to black with Jones' cackling laughter.)
(The studio is somewhat quiet, mostly chatter filling the soundwaves. Suddenly, a younger man stands up, dressed in black, and raises a sign that says "CHEER!". The crowd reacts and begins cheering, and instrumental Jazz music begins to play.)
Male VO: And now, ladies and gentlemen....
(An older man with a chrome dome, cheesy smile, and gray mustache walks out from the backstage area. The man is wearing a black suit with a matching tie, and seems to be physically impressive in size.)
Male VO: Dr. Will!
(The crowd goes nuts as Dr. Will waves to the audience and sits down in the crooked chair. The crowd eventually settles down.)
Dr. Will: (Southern Accent) Now my guests here today are going to be confronting one another. We have users to abusers, lawnsmen to lawncare, and lovers to fighters.
Dr. Will: My first guests today are recently married Lawnmower and Lonnie Jones.
(Jones and Lonnie appear in the chairs, out of nowhere. Well, Lonnie isn't in a chair...)
Dr. Will: The male Jones here is a professional gambler, if I'm not mistaken?
LJ: Wrestler.
(Will looks in front of the cards he is holding. He squints forward, nods, and begins to laugh.)
DW: Oh, I see. Wrestler, huh? Well, according to Lonnie, you have trouble wrestling your wee-wee out of your trousers to take a leak!
(The crowd begins the laugh as Jones' face turns red.)
LJ: I don't have trouble, I just don't see the point...
(The crowd ignores Jones' comment.)
DW: Alright, Lonnie. You say Jones here is verbally and physically abusive towards you. Can you elaborate?
(Before Lonnie can say anything, Jones jumps in.)
LJ: Now hold on, one hot dog minute! I don't "abuse" her in any type of way, Will. Lonnie is a strong minded woman, and I have no problems with this. She says she's an advocate for women's rights, so whenever she says something that would get a man popped in the mouth, how come she gets pardoned?
(The crowd begins to boo maniacally. Jones gets up and begins screaming at all of them. After a couple of seconds, security calms Jones down.)
DW: Now don't focus on these people, they ain't the problem, Hillybilly Jones. You're the problem. You have no respect for women or restraint to hold yourself back!
(Jones begins shaking his head as the crowd begins clapping.)
DW: I sense that you are a very ill-mannered-
LJ: No, you see-
DW: Excuse me?
LJ: You're wron-
DW: Don't ever interrupt me!
(Will stands up as the crowd does and cheers for Will. Will gets in front of Jones and looks down on him.)
DW: Don't interrupt me on my own show, young man! It's rude, arrogant, and I will not stand for it! This is what causes you to beat women! But in reality, do you know what you are? You're a coward! Only cowards beat women up!
(A mini Will chant ensues.)
DW: Come on, tough guy. Hit me.
(The crowd explodes into cheers as Will taps his chin. Jones shakes his head and stands up. The two face one another, and we see, while Will may have a couple of inches, he is nowhere near the muscle bulk to compete with Jones.)
DW: Come on, tough guy. Just one shot!
LJ: I'm a pro wrestler!
DW: Pussy.
LJ: I'm the TV champ!
DW: Pussy!
LJ: I learned from Logan!
DW: Pussy!
LJ: I won't hit you. You're a regular Joe.
(The crowd boos. Will obviously whispers something into Jones' ear, making it unknown. We now go into Jones' point of view, as Will's face turns from Dr. Will to Nate Nytro. Jones' face turns into a frown. He begins breathing heavily and clenching his fists.)
NN Face: You're a wussy.
LJ: No I'm not.
NN Face: You suck cow dick, you fat cunt.
LJ: You're the cunt!
NN Face: Lonnie's pussy tastes like Castrol!
LJ: You're not supposed to know that!
NN Face: Logan doesn't like you!
LJ: Yes he does! Yes he does! He likes me! We're friends!
(As the camera cuts, we see Will's regular face. Him and the crowd are laughing.)
DW: Look at him with his hands all clenched up! Wha! Wha! Boo-hoo! Crybaby!
(Then, out of nowhere, Jones punches Will. Will immediatley falls to his ass, and the camera shakes then goes to a blue screen. After a few seconds of fizz, the screen goes black.)
VO: We're sorry, the program you're trying to watch is currently unavailable-
(The scene cuts back to the studio, where mayhem has ensued. Fans are screaming and running in the background, Dr. Will being carried away by a few security guards. Jones has his own cameraman, who has a shaky at best view. Jones' face is beat red and sweaty, and when he speaks, he spits.)
LJ: Nate Nytro, you think you have what it takes to actually step into the ring with the real TV champ? You think that you of all the people in your stupid little club can beat me? Ha! The day that you lazy piece of shit could actually beat me in a fight is the day pigs talk! Never! Nytro, I'm a man who is feeling mad, feeling angry! I've lost my TV show, my dignity, and possibly my wife! The only thing I have is my title, which you won't be getting, and my friendship with Logan, which you won't be getting! So dream on, cuntmuscle, this title belongs to it's rightful owner!
(Jones looks back to Lonnie.)
LJ: Lonnie, I'll be at home tonight. If you still have sexual feelings for me, bring home a pizza, and not the crappy kind. I want the gourmet Papa Murphy's kind. If you don't come home, I guess you've made your decision.
(Jones looks back to the camera.)
LJ: Just know I take no prisoners. Because your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower!
(The scene fades to black with Jones' cackling laughter.)
