Post by Headmaster Bernard Core on Jan 3, 2016 8:03:50 GMT -5
December 29, 2015- WNYC Studios, New York City
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon…”Core: Jeffrey, is that your phone? I thought my entrance theme song was your ring tone.
“Little boy blue and the man on the moon…”
Core: It is your phone. Jeffrey, answer it.
“When you comin’ home, Dad?
I don’t know when, but we’ll be together then.
You know we’ll have a good time then.”
Core: Jeffrey, answer your god damned phone!
Jeff, slumped on the couch in the lobby of the public radio station WNYC, slowly turns his head and stares at his father.
Fuck you.
Core stares back.
You can stare at me all day, you little shit, but you will answer that god damned phone.
In the telepathic conversation that the two seem to be having, Core wins out. Jeff rolls his eyes and lethargically takes the phone from his pocket and receives the call.
Jeff: Jeff Cornelius…Hello, Mr. Lerch…Why am I not at work? Because my internship is over. I graduated…What do you mean you can’t believe it? My father paid you to pass me…Yes, my father is right next to me…No, my father prefers that I take his work calls from now on. He’s hired me as his administrative assistant…I don’t know why…Well, maybe his next assistant can be a slutty 20 year old. Is there anything else you’d like me to pass on to him?...I’m sure he’ll be pleased to hear that. Thank---.
Jeff looks at his phone.
Jeff: He hung up on me.
Dick.
Core: What did he want?
Jeff: Well, there’s bad news and there’s good news.
Core: Tell me the bad, first.
Jeff: He’s not giving you the TV time this Sunday to make your big announcement.
Core: What? Why not?
Jeff: Well, that’s where the good news comes in. He’s giving you a United States Championship match instead.
Core’s eyes widen. He’s agape. He sits back in the couch and stares straight ahead.
Jeff: He said you can make your announcement on the next Slam.
Core snaps out of his stupor and looks at Jeff.
Core: Jeffrey, do you understand what’s happening here?
I don’t care.
Core: I won my first pay-per-view match two days ago, outlasting seven other men on the biggest stage of them all. This Sunday, I am going to win the Championship of the United States and show the American people that I am truly the man that they should admire; and then next week, I unveil my plans to fix education in America! Could you imagine me, standing in the middle of the ring with the Championship of the United States around my waist, demonstrating how I will cure America of the multiple plagues that are killing it? The people would not be able to resist my plans! How could they? They would see me as a physical and intellectual godsend! It would be like Jesus himself coming down from heaven and ending all of humanity’s suffering!
The receptionist across from the couch looks up from her computer and stares at Core. Core is oblivious but Jeff embarrassingly notices.
Jeff: Yes, he is for real.
A man walks in to the lobby and approaches Jeff and Core.
Wayne: Dr. Core, I’m Wayne Lewis, executive producer for New York State of Affairs.
He extends his hand. Core and Jeff stand up. Core shakes Wayne’s hand.
Core: Pleasure to meet you, Wayne. This is my administrative assistant, Jeffrey.
Wayne and Jeff shake hands.
Wayne: We’re ready to bring you in now.
Core: Great, let’s do this.
Core and Jeff are brought into a broadcast studio. A woman is sitting at a microphone, reading the newspaper. She looks up when she hears the men enter the studio. Her shoulder length hair is mostly white, but there are tinges of brown that suggest that at one point, this woman was young. She has a homely face, the kind you’d see on a woman who never married and lived in the same house and town her entire life. Her mouth is weak. The lips are thin. She looks like she doesn’t have the energy to lift her cheeks high enough for a big smile. The woman’s name is Meryl Broadside, a veteran radio reporter. Working as hard as she has to investigate and report on the ills of society over the years, her inattention to her looks is not surprising.
That is a face for radio.
Wayne: Dr. Core, this is Meryl Broadside.
Meryl stands up and shakes Core’s hand.
Core: Pleased to meet you.
Meryl: Likewise, Dr. Core.
They make small talk for a minute before Wayne directs Core to his seat and sets him set up with a microphone and headphones.
Wayne: Alright, we’re going to head into the control room and when Meryl’s ready, we’ll start rolling. Do you need any water or anything before we record?
Core: No, that won’t be necessary, thank you.
Wayne: Okay then. Just relax and enjoy…
Core: Wayne, I don’t need a pep talk about how to be interviewed. Men like me have been interviewed hundreds of times.
Wayne is taken aback. His eyes shift to Meryl, who looks back at him with a face that suggests that she’s not surprised by the attitude of this self-aggrandizing windbag. She’s seen a lot of men like him over her many years.
Good luck with this guy.
Wayne: Very well then.
Wayne and Jeff go into the control room.
Wayne: Are you ready, Meryl?
Meryl: Yes.
Wayne: Okay. We are recording in five, four, three…
He holds up two fingers, then one, and finally points at Meryl.
Meryl: Welcome back to New York State of Affairs, I’m Meryl Broadside. My guest with me at this time holds a doctorate in education from Columbia University, founded Mentor Me, the first ever national for-profit after school mentoring program (which he sold for $1 million), was the commissioner of the New York State Education Department from 2011 until he resigned this past October, and is now taking his message of education on the road as a professional wrestler in the World Championship Federation. Please welcome, Dr. Bernard Core.
Core: Thank you, Meryl. I’d like to add that I have a match for the Championship of the United States against the incumbent champion, Mikey eXtreme, this Sunday on WCF’s weekly program, Slam.
Meryl: Well, before we get into a discussion about education, I want to talk to you about that. Why wrestling?
Core: Sometimes you have to think outside the box if you have a goal that you want to achieve. I thought that I could change things from the inside when I took on the post of New York State education commissioner. I underestimated the power of the parents and teachers unions. I determined that I had to do something radical, something that people wouldn’t suspect.
Meryl: Well, I have to admit, using wrestling as your soapbox was something I didn’t suspect.
Core: But now I have your attention and the attention of millions of people across this nation.
Meryl: Yes, but I’ve watched you from week to week. Before every match, you lambaste the people in attendance. Before a match in Texas, you called the people “fat yahoos” who said their children would become “lazy, overweight ignoramuses.” You advocated the sale of New Mexico back to Mexico because of the state’s overall educational ranking. You assume the fans are all uninformed and uneducated. You speak of America as if you despise it. If you’re trying to get people on your side, is this the best way to approach it?
Core: The problem with this country, Meryl, is that no one tells the truth anymore. Everyone is so concerned with political correctness that they tell themselves and each other that they’re doing the right thing and they’re smart and they’re talented and a bunch of other nonsense. What this country needs is for someone to hold up a mirror and say “Look. This is what you are. This is what your country has become.”
Meryl: Are you trying to shame people into changing?
Core: If that’s what you want to call it. I just believe that people don’t know a problem until they see it for themselves. How are they going to see it if they refuse to look?
Meryl: Do you need to wrestle in order to do this? Couldn’t you just write a book or go on a speaking tour?
Core: Well, the problem with the former is that most of the people in this country can’t read, so writing a book would be a waste of my time. Secondly, I believe people need to see what a success looks like. In education, a lot of people talk about differentiating instruction, which means to use different methods to reach different types of learners. I don’t whole heartedly believe in that type of coddling, but like I said, you have to think outside the box sometimes. People not only get to hear my words every week, but they get to see the man saying those words go out in that ring and win. Do you know that I haven’t been pinned or tapped out yet?
Meryl: Yes, your record is impressive.
Core: That’s right. How can people deny my words when they see that I back it up in the ring?
Meryl: How long will you pursue this venture?
Core: Until the people of this nation embrace the Common Core Learning Standards and change their attitude about education. The only way they can show that is by getting their children to pass their necessary standardized tests.
Meryl: Recent legislation and events here in New York suggest that there is broad support to pare down the changes in education that you have supported over the last few years, including the Common Core Learning Standards and the reliance on standardized tests to measure student achievement and evaluate teachers. Congress passed a bipartisan bill in December called the “Every Student Succeeds Act,” which stops the federal government from forcing states to evaluate teachers using the tests. Congressman Zeldin’s amendment to this law allows states to opt of using the Common Core standards without fear of losing federal funding. Do you think that Common Core and standardized testing are the best ways to fix education when there is such resistance to them?
Core: Let’s take a look at a word you just used a few seconds ago, “bipartisan.” That word suggests that the Democrats and Republicans both supported something. Everyone hears that word and we’re supposed to think that our government is working, that our Congress is working together to fix the problems of this nation. It’s a nice sentiment, but it’s not reality.
The Democrats and Republicans are always at opposite ends of every issue and they try to sell their positions as the best directions for the country. Democrats think we should make the social safety net wider, Republicans believe in reforming welfare. Democrats are pro-choice, Republicans are pro-life. Democrats want a small military, Republicans want a big military.
The problem is that they don’t actually believe in what they say they believe. These parties don’t do what’s right for this country. They do what’s right for them. If they thought Common Core was going to help them win votes, they’d support it. What’s happening is that so many of their whiny constituents are complaining and putting pressure on them that it’s making them scared for their jobs. Therefore, they’re coming out against the one thing that can make this country better.
How can the American people follow the vision of these people whose actions and opinions are so compromised that they are willing to change their minds on a dime, both literally and figuratively? I can answer that question myself. They’re impressionable. They are too ignorant to know any better. When their lives are down in the dumps, some opportunistic guy in a suit gets on TV and says, “Hey, follow me, I know the way to make your lives better.” The truth is that he doesn’t, but he talks a good game, so the mouth breathers of America follow him until he proves to be a failure and someone else comes around spitting out the same message.
They need to follow someone with actual convictions, with an actual vision of a better America. Mikey eXtreme thinks his vision of America is the best. He calls it “Mikey’s America.” I happen to agree with some of the positions that Mikey espouses.
I agree that there is no bigger deal than America. However, if we don’t change the way our country operates, that won’t be the case much longer.
He believes that we don’t need liars and cheats perverting our country. The politicians in Washington have been doing that long enough.
And he says we need a strong leader to guide the weak minded people of America. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Well, I probably could have, but he did a good enough.
Where we differ is deciding who should be that strong leader. Mikey naturally thinks that it’s him, but it can’t be. You’ve watched WCF programming over the last few weeks. You’ve seen what he looks like, right?
Meryl: Yes, I have. Very intimidating.
Core: Intimidating? Please, Meryl, don’t let your old eyes deceive you.
Meryl scrunches her face at being told she has “old eyes.”
Core: There is nothing intimidating about the unkempt, long strands of hair and the rat’s nest of a beard on his face. He looks more like one of the homeless vagrants that bothered me on the streets as I walked to the studio this morning.
Maybe it’s the red mark that scares you, Meryl. You know who else wears makeup? Clowns, and clowns never scared me, either. Do great leaders wear makeup? Do they look like clowns? Did Abraham Lincoln wear face paint when he was sworn in as president? No. Great leaders don’t need those types of gimmicks to win support from their people.
The people he surrounds himself with are sub-human. He allows the man in the iron mask to accompany him to an athletic competition along with some disgusting wench. He also talks to some invisible friend named “Doc.” Could you imagine Barack Obama making his State of the Union Address with Joe Biden sitting behind him wearing a silly mask while Michelle Obama watches from the audience looking like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2? Or maybe instead of looking at the members of Congress during his speech, he could stare at the ghost of Karl Marx.
Look at the way Mikey besmirches the American flag. He wears it as a pair of trunks and dirties them to distort the brilliant colors that represent the values of our nation. Maybe next time, he should blow his nose in the flag. Better yet, he can wipe his rear end with it and then tie it around his waist and wear it like some kind of hula skirt.
Meryl: But aside from all that, you’re challenging HIM for the championship. He must have some talent. I did not watch the latest pay-per-view this past Sunday, but I'm on the WCF website and from what I understand, he beat back his latest challenger, a wrestler named Chelsea Armstrong. In fact, the referee had to stop the match.
Core: Oh, you mean the match he wrestled against the woman? Sorry to say, Meryl, but that did not impress me. I wrestled a match against seven other men earlier in the night, which I won. That was an accomplishment. Beating Chelsea Armstrong wasn’t. I advocated for weeks for Chelsea Armstrong to be taken out of that match. Women do not belong in a ring with men. They just are not our physical or mental equals. If Mikey eXtreme wants to get on his pedestal and hold that victory up as his justification for being the man to bring America back to greatness, he can, but no one is going to listen.
If he wants to inspire Americans, how about beating me? I’m actually accomplished, as opposed to getting special recognition because of what’s between my legs. I won the NCAA D-III Heavyweight Championship. That means that out of the best wrestlers in all of the colleges and universities across America, I was the absolute greatest one of them all. Mikey eXtreme has never faced anyone like me before. I can counter anything any and all moves that he throws at me. I’ll turn a DDT into Standardization. I’ll turn a kick into Common’s Crab. I’ll catch him if he takes to the air and throw him with a suplex of any kind I wish. He won’t have the time or the opportunity to put me in a compromising position like he did with Chelsea when he slammed her face into the steel steps at One. I’m too smart to let that happen.
Does Mikey not care about how other people see him? Clearly not. He’s like the rest of the cretins in our population. They don’t care about how the rest of the world sees us. Russia, China, Mexico, they all laugh at us for conducting ourselves foolishly both home and abroad. Instead of worrying about education, we worry about Kim and Kanye. Instead of trying to beat ISIS, we try to beat the next level of whatever video game is popular at the moment. How can the people be moved to make America look like a superior country when they accept a buffoon as their Champion of the United States?
The Championship of the United States is not just a title to hold in the WCF. It’s something you are twenty-four hours a day. If you hold the U.S. title, you are the U.S. You go out in the world and people associate America with you. Over the last few months, people have been associating America with a guy who called himself a plague, a guy with schizophrenia, and now a guy who says he’s “The Darkness.”
No wonder America is in the shape that it’s in! It’s allowing itself to be embodied by a man who calls himself The Darkness. Believe you me, Americans have been in the dark. Our unemployment, our economy, our education, our military strength, our entire culture suggests that we are completely and unquestionably living in pitch black darkness. We don’t need any more darkness, Meryl. We need light, light to get out of this hole we’ve dug for ourselves. That guiding light shines forth from me, Meryl, me! I am the only one that can bring America back from the brink of destruction. If Mikey eXtreme wants to bask in my light, he can, but he has to drop that title to me first. Hell, at this point, Jimmy Carter would be a better candidate for Champion of the United States.
When I hold the title, Meryl, people will come around and buy into what I’m saying. They won’t be able to resist. I will be holding the title that represents them and I will make them and this country look good. They will see the error of their ways and reform themselves and their children. You have a man running for president who says he wants to make America great again. Well, Mr. Trump won’t have to do any of the heavy lifting because I’m going to make America great when I beat Mikey eXtreme this Sunday and become the new Champion of the United States.
Meryl: Well, unfortunately we’re out of time. Dr. Core. I was hoping to talk more about education, but we seem to have gotten swept up in this conversation about wrestling.
Core: You want me to say a word about education, Meryl? I can sum it up real simple. I’m going to lead American education of the desert of hopelessness. The people just need to follow me, not the false idol, Mikey eXtreme.
Meryl: I hope it’s that simple. Thank you for being here today.
Core: The pleasure is all yours.
Meryl: Clearly.
Ass.
Meryl: We’ll be back in a moment.
The engineer stops recording.
Wayne: Okay, that’s it.
Meryl: Thank goodness.
Core: Pssht. It wasn’t that enjoyable for me either, babe. I can tell you don't recognize what I do for this country.
Meryl: What you do for this country doesn’t exist because you do nothing.
Core: Yeah, because people listen to your very important public radio program. This show is the ultimate cure for insomnia. The last fifteen minutes had to have seen the highest ratings you’ve ever had. You keep trucking away, though, fighting the good fight behind that microphone while I go to Providence and make real change.
Meryl: Make a real change?
Meryl, who had been getting worked up a second ago, is now laughing.
Core: Let’s see how much you laugh when I do what I say I’m going to do, and I don’t just mean winning the Championship of the United States!
She continues to laugh. Core gets up from his chair and leaves the studio. Wayne and Jeff meet him in the hallway.
Wayne: Dr. Core, thank you for---
Dr. Core: Save it. Jeffrey, let’s go.
They storm out of the radio station and into Core’s car, which has been waiting for them outside. The driver starts the car and makes his way onto the road.
Core: God, I can’t wait to get out of this sodomitical city. It’s full of empty headed intellectuals you have no grasp of the real world.
Do you have a grasp of the real world?
Core: What did you think?
Jeff: Of what?
Core: The interview.
Jeff: I don’t really care. I’m just your assistant.
Core shakes his head.
Core: And that’s all you’ll be if you don’t actually start to care about what’s happening around you.
Jeff: Well, seeing as I’ve been oblivious to what’s actually been happening in my own life over the past…well, every year of my existence, why should I try to be attentive now?
Core stares at Jeff disdainfully.
Core: You want to be like the rest of the people in this country that whine when their chips are down? Go ahead, but it better not get in the way of doing your job, because I have no apprehension over firing you if I’m so inclined; and then what will you do?
Jeff looks down, not having a good answer to the question. Core leans over until he’s an inch from Jeff’s face.
Core: Nothing. You have no talents by which to make any sort of living. I fire you and you end up like the bums in the subways of this god forsaken city. That’s right. No job, no living in my house. You would be gone. I would forget you completely. I don’t need you to in order to change this country. Resist me like you did when you changed the ring tone on your phone and you won’t be very long for this position. Do I make myself clear?
Jeff reaches into his pocket and changes the ring tone back to Core’s entrance theme. He plays it and holds it up for Core to hear.
Core: Better. Open the window. I want the trash bags of this city to know that their savior is among them, like when Jesus entered Jerusalem.
Jeff unenthusiastically opens the window, turns the volume on the phone all the way up, and hangs it out the window. Core opens his window and smiles, waving as if he were the king and a royal processional were passing through the streets of New York City.
