Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2007 14:25:42 GMT -5
(What is a season of yearning without a glimmer of hope? What is a desolate craving without a beacon of light in the horizon? One cannot thrive without the other. Therein lies the dilemma: Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all? Perhaps Lawnmower Jones is pondering that quandary at this very moment. Bobby Cairo, on the other hand, is reveling in his ill-gotten victory at Till Death Do Us Part. Cairo joins us today from deep in the woods of rural Connecticut. In these woods there is no snow. There is no deep, sickening chill in the air. These are the woods inside of Bobby Cairo's mind. Lush fauna and foliage provide the setting as Cairo sits on his favorite rock and enjoys reading one of the greatest masterpieces of American literature.)
Bobby Cairo: "Perhaps we go to the forbidden door or window willingly because we understand that a time comes when we must go whether we want to or not...and not just to look, but to be pushed through. Forever."
(Cairo removes his reading glasses and stares directly into your soul as YOU are reading THIS!)
Bobby Cairo: "That passage reminds me of our little situation, Mr. Jones. I just hope that you haven't lost your nerve now that your fortunes have taken a turn for the worst. I hope that you're not too discouraged now that you've stepped up to the plate and gone down swinging. At least you gave it a good fight, Jones. You're just not good enough to stand tall with The Man Of The Hour, Bobby Cairo!"
(Cairo flexes his muscles for all the ladies watching around the world.)
Bobby Cairo: "Let me ask you a question, Jones: What would today's troubled youth know about the pleasures of spearmint? Fuck peppermint, YOUNG MAN!! Spearmint is where it's at! Can you dig it?! WHOOOOOO!!!"
(Cairo points his finger with a strong, emphatic thrust and looks knowingly out to the vast forest surrounding him.)
Bobby Cairo: "People might ask themselves, 'Why is Bobby Cairo so effective inside of the wrestling ring?' The answer is so goddamn simple it's freakin' reDirkulous Nowitzki: I eat what I want when I want. Sometimes I go down to KFC. I order some chicken and some mac and cheese and then I bring it back to my home and I just watch basketball and eat. Sometimes I like to have sex with a woman who reminds me of Maggie Gyllenhaal. I would have sex with the real Maggie Gyllenhaal but she's too busy raising my child with another man. Boo-Yah!"
(Cairo grabs a chicken wing and a tall cup of lemonade and improvises a little dining scene with a napkin and everything. Cairo always remembers to lick his fingers after a tasty morsel.)
Bobby Cairo: "Lawnmower Jones ain't been actin' too bright lately. Hey Lawnmower Jones, I feel that I could dismember your brain and find nothing more than belly lint and used condoms. Do you feel stupid, Jones? Because you're certainly acting stupid...JONES!!! YOOOOUNG MAN!!"
(Cairo spits some chaw into his chaw bucket.)
Bobby Cairo: "One thing that I can assure you is that Ozzie Guillen is a dangerous lunatic. Everybody knows that Ozzie Guillen has his finger on the button. Ozzie Guillen, you can kiss my ass you stupid inbred piece of shit!"
(Cairo spits some more chaw into his chaw bucket.)
Bobby Cairo: "Back on topic, I just want everybody to know that Lonnie The Lawnmower is not my concubine. She's not my plaything. She's not my ambition. I need the flesh and blood of a modern technocrat to get me all hot and bothered. Black, white, Hispanic is totally irrelevant. When you look in the mirror, Lawnmower Jones, I want you to remember the ecstasy of your time spent with Lonnie. I want you to understand that no Higher Power will swing by on the vines of divinity and rescue you. In a world of freewill every choice that we make affects our actions and contains our predicaments. If you feel froggy then jump, Lawnmower Jones. If you feel all ginned up then you better make your move, sucka!!"
(Cairo motions like he's about to bust a cap in somebody.)
Bobby Cairo: "What would Ric Flair or Bill Cosby say about your predicament, Mr. Jones? What sage wisdom would Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable offer you if you were one of his children such as Theo or Vanessa or even little Rudy? He might tell you to grab a slice of strawberry shortcake, study hard and redo your assignment, you know, earn that Hard C? Well, Mr. Jones, you have no such alternative and do you know why? The reason why is because I have a giant piece of equipment in my pants. That means that I'm a bigger man than you and a better man! I will dissect you piece by piece any time, any place and any how! Choke on it, boy!"
(With those words, the wooded area abruptly transforms into a talk show set. Cairo is standing onstage dressed in a lovely suit with a microphone in hand.)
Bobby Cairo: "I am The Man Of The Hour, Bobby Cairo! Welcome to my show! Please feel free to bite my butt! Today I am being joined by two legends of screen and stage! Put your hands together for Mr. Bill Cosby and Mr. Ric Flair!"
(Razor Ramon's theme cranks through the speakers as Flair and Cosby hit the stage, each man flashing gang symbols to the camera. Cosby and Flair are dressed in matching sweater vests and basketball shorts. The two legends take a seat in their comfy looking chairs as Cairo frantically waltsez around the stage.)
Bobby Cairo: "Welcome to my TV show, guys! It's so damn good to have you here!"
Ric Flair: "I couldn't wait to get onto your show, man! I'm a big fan! Huge fan!"
Bill Cosby: "I'm actually not a fan of yours, Bobby, but Ric convinced me to do it!"
(The three grown man share a good laugh.)
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! That's great! Anyway you two guys are such big legends in this business, how does it feel to see Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig finally get some respect with his WWE Hall of Fame induction?"
Ric Flair: "Curt and myself were the best of friends. I used to hang out with Curt and Arn up in Minnesota. We would shoot pool and bang hookers all day long. Those were great times! Most importantly, Curt was a great family man. I don't know if he had a wife or kids, but his dad seemed to like him!"
Bobby Cairo: "That's right. Curt's father was a great wrestler in his own right. I think his name was Barry 'The Lamp' Hennig?"
Ric Flair: "I don't know."
Bobby Cairo: "How about you, Mr. Cosby? Did you know Curt Hennig?"
Bill Cosby: "I knew Curt very well. He was a fighting member of the civil rights movement. We marched on Selma together down in Alabama. Those were good times, man! Happy times! Let me tell you something, brother: Curt Hennig may have been a white man on the outside, but he was a hater of white men on the inside!"
Ric Flair: "That's very true. Curt once told me that his greatest motivation for being a successful wrestler was his hatred of whites."
Bobby Cairo: "Hmm... I never knew any of that stuff before!"
Ric Flair: "That's why you gotta get the old folks like us on your show more often!"
(The three grown man share a good laugh.)
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! That's great! Speaking of old folks, how do you guys know when it's time to retire?"
Ric Flair: "When the tapestry of our lives indicates that we can no longer compete on a level playing field, then and only then must we call it a day."
Bobby Cairo: "That is such an excellent point, Mr. Flair. Mr. Cosby, did you have something you wanted to add?"
Bill Cosby: "Yes, Bobby. Ric and myself are both men of God. You, on the other hand, seem like more of a Godless heathen. Are you at all concerned about rotting in Hell?"
Bobby Cairo: "Perceptions are not always reality, Mr. Cosby. The fact is that suffering and torment are the gifts that God himself has bestowed upon me. I am eternally grateful for the pain and misery that I experience every moment of every day. Without God it would never be possible. True suffering cannot come from The Dark Lord. True suffering can only come from The Creator."
Ric Flair: "Can you please elaborate on that statement, Bobby?"
Bobby Cairo: "I will gladly elaborate for you, Mr. Flair. You see, happiness is a fleeting and relatively meaningless emotion. The same goes for love. Terror, on the other hand, is perpetual. Horror is eternal and everlasting. Things like decay, rust and dirt, they all last forever. Beauty is fleeting. Joy is a child's fantasy. Innocence is nonexistent. Religion is a perfect example. Religion teaches deprivation, fear, intimidation...how can any of those things be bad if God Himself has created them for all of us to enjoy?"
Bill Cosby: "That's neither here nor there, Young Mr. Cairo, and if you keep talking out of your butt then I can fix you up something real quick!"
Bobby Cairo: "I'm sorry, Mr. Cosby? Were you mumbling something with those marbles in your mouth? Why don't you buy a one way ticket to coma and paralysis and leave the rest of society without your ignorant stumbling, Mr. Cosby or should I say Bill?"
Ric Flair: "Bobby, calm down, man! I gotta go pick up my son Reid from wrestling practice before he attacks his coach again!"
Bobby Cairo: "Go move to Japan, you fucking loser. I'm tired of both of you. You don't do anything for anybody. You're just taking up space as you wax poetic about the ills of society and the wayward youth of American culture. You make me sick, you pathetic pieces of crap! By the way, Mr. Flair? Ricky Steamboat owns your sorry ass, you washed up motherfucker! Bow down! Now get the hell out of here before I give you two knuckleheads a Van Terminator off the top of the Bling Ladder."
(The scene ends in near-tragedy. Cairo returns to his rock for one last verbal barb.)
Bobby Cairo: "A word of friendly advice for my bitter enemy: Don't kidnap yourself, Jones. Don't allow your development to be arrested. If you fall apart now then my plan will never see completion! I want so badly to ruin your very inner being, and I just couldn't live with myself if you suffered a premature self-destruction! I will also tell you this, Jones: To understand Hell you must first walk through Hell and believe me, Jones, you have a long way to go before you catch up with me!"
(With those last words, Cairo disappears in a puff of smoke...MARY JANE SMOKE YO!!)
Bobby Cairo: "Perhaps we go to the forbidden door or window willingly because we understand that a time comes when we must go whether we want to or not...and not just to look, but to be pushed through. Forever."
(Cairo removes his reading glasses and stares directly into your soul as YOU are reading THIS!)
Bobby Cairo: "That passage reminds me of our little situation, Mr. Jones. I just hope that you haven't lost your nerve now that your fortunes have taken a turn for the worst. I hope that you're not too discouraged now that you've stepped up to the plate and gone down swinging. At least you gave it a good fight, Jones. You're just not good enough to stand tall with The Man Of The Hour, Bobby Cairo!"
(Cairo flexes his muscles for all the ladies watching around the world.)
Bobby Cairo: "Let me ask you a question, Jones: What would today's troubled youth know about the pleasures of spearmint? Fuck peppermint, YOUNG MAN!! Spearmint is where it's at! Can you dig it?! WHOOOOOO!!!"
(Cairo points his finger with a strong, emphatic thrust and looks knowingly out to the vast forest surrounding him.)
Bobby Cairo: "People might ask themselves, 'Why is Bobby Cairo so effective inside of the wrestling ring?' The answer is so goddamn simple it's freakin' reDirkulous Nowitzki: I eat what I want when I want. Sometimes I go down to KFC. I order some chicken and some mac and cheese and then I bring it back to my home and I just watch basketball and eat. Sometimes I like to have sex with a woman who reminds me of Maggie Gyllenhaal. I would have sex with the real Maggie Gyllenhaal but she's too busy raising my child with another man. Boo-Yah!"
(Cairo grabs a chicken wing and a tall cup of lemonade and improvises a little dining scene with a napkin and everything. Cairo always remembers to lick his fingers after a tasty morsel.)
Bobby Cairo: "Lawnmower Jones ain't been actin' too bright lately. Hey Lawnmower Jones, I feel that I could dismember your brain and find nothing more than belly lint and used condoms. Do you feel stupid, Jones? Because you're certainly acting stupid...JONES!!! YOOOOUNG MAN!!"
(Cairo spits some chaw into his chaw bucket.)
Bobby Cairo: "One thing that I can assure you is that Ozzie Guillen is a dangerous lunatic. Everybody knows that Ozzie Guillen has his finger on the button. Ozzie Guillen, you can kiss my ass you stupid inbred piece of shit!"
(Cairo spits some more chaw into his chaw bucket.)
Bobby Cairo: "Back on topic, I just want everybody to know that Lonnie The Lawnmower is not my concubine. She's not my plaything. She's not my ambition. I need the flesh and blood of a modern technocrat to get me all hot and bothered. Black, white, Hispanic is totally irrelevant. When you look in the mirror, Lawnmower Jones, I want you to remember the ecstasy of your time spent with Lonnie. I want you to understand that no Higher Power will swing by on the vines of divinity and rescue you. In a world of freewill every choice that we make affects our actions and contains our predicaments. If you feel froggy then jump, Lawnmower Jones. If you feel all ginned up then you better make your move, sucka!!"
(Cairo motions like he's about to bust a cap in somebody.)
Bobby Cairo: "What would Ric Flair or Bill Cosby say about your predicament, Mr. Jones? What sage wisdom would Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable offer you if you were one of his children such as Theo or Vanessa or even little Rudy? He might tell you to grab a slice of strawberry shortcake, study hard and redo your assignment, you know, earn that Hard C? Well, Mr. Jones, you have no such alternative and do you know why? The reason why is because I have a giant piece of equipment in my pants. That means that I'm a bigger man than you and a better man! I will dissect you piece by piece any time, any place and any how! Choke on it, boy!"
(With those words, the wooded area abruptly transforms into a talk show set. Cairo is standing onstage dressed in a lovely suit with a microphone in hand.)
Bobby Cairo: "I am The Man Of The Hour, Bobby Cairo! Welcome to my show! Please feel free to bite my butt! Today I am being joined by two legends of screen and stage! Put your hands together for Mr. Bill Cosby and Mr. Ric Flair!"
(Razor Ramon's theme cranks through the speakers as Flair and Cosby hit the stage, each man flashing gang symbols to the camera. Cosby and Flair are dressed in matching sweater vests and basketball shorts. The two legends take a seat in their comfy looking chairs as Cairo frantically waltsez around the stage.)
Bobby Cairo: "Welcome to my TV show, guys! It's so damn good to have you here!"
Ric Flair: "I couldn't wait to get onto your show, man! I'm a big fan! Huge fan!"
Bill Cosby: "I'm actually not a fan of yours, Bobby, but Ric convinced me to do it!"
(The three grown man share a good laugh.)
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! That's great! Anyway you two guys are such big legends in this business, how does it feel to see Mr. Perfect Curt Hennig finally get some respect with his WWE Hall of Fame induction?"
Ric Flair: "Curt and myself were the best of friends. I used to hang out with Curt and Arn up in Minnesota. We would shoot pool and bang hookers all day long. Those were great times! Most importantly, Curt was a great family man. I don't know if he had a wife or kids, but his dad seemed to like him!"
Bobby Cairo: "That's right. Curt's father was a great wrestler in his own right. I think his name was Barry 'The Lamp' Hennig?"
Ric Flair: "I don't know."
Bobby Cairo: "How about you, Mr. Cosby? Did you know Curt Hennig?"
Bill Cosby: "I knew Curt very well. He was a fighting member of the civil rights movement. We marched on Selma together down in Alabama. Those were good times, man! Happy times! Let me tell you something, brother: Curt Hennig may have been a white man on the outside, but he was a hater of white men on the inside!"
Ric Flair: "That's very true. Curt once told me that his greatest motivation for being a successful wrestler was his hatred of whites."
Bobby Cairo: "Hmm... I never knew any of that stuff before!"
Ric Flair: "That's why you gotta get the old folks like us on your show more often!"
(The three grown man share a good laugh.)
Bobby Cairo: "Hahahaha! That's great! Speaking of old folks, how do you guys know when it's time to retire?"
Ric Flair: "When the tapestry of our lives indicates that we can no longer compete on a level playing field, then and only then must we call it a day."
Bobby Cairo: "That is such an excellent point, Mr. Flair. Mr. Cosby, did you have something you wanted to add?"
Bill Cosby: "Yes, Bobby. Ric and myself are both men of God. You, on the other hand, seem like more of a Godless heathen. Are you at all concerned about rotting in Hell?"
Bobby Cairo: "Perceptions are not always reality, Mr. Cosby. The fact is that suffering and torment are the gifts that God himself has bestowed upon me. I am eternally grateful for the pain and misery that I experience every moment of every day. Without God it would never be possible. True suffering cannot come from The Dark Lord. True suffering can only come from The Creator."
Ric Flair: "Can you please elaborate on that statement, Bobby?"
Bobby Cairo: "I will gladly elaborate for you, Mr. Flair. You see, happiness is a fleeting and relatively meaningless emotion. The same goes for love. Terror, on the other hand, is perpetual. Horror is eternal and everlasting. Things like decay, rust and dirt, they all last forever. Beauty is fleeting. Joy is a child's fantasy. Innocence is nonexistent. Religion is a perfect example. Religion teaches deprivation, fear, intimidation...how can any of those things be bad if God Himself has created them for all of us to enjoy?"
Bill Cosby: "That's neither here nor there, Young Mr. Cairo, and if you keep talking out of your butt then I can fix you up something real quick!"
Bobby Cairo: "I'm sorry, Mr. Cosby? Were you mumbling something with those marbles in your mouth? Why don't you buy a one way ticket to coma and paralysis and leave the rest of society without your ignorant stumbling, Mr. Cosby or should I say Bill?"
Ric Flair: "Bobby, calm down, man! I gotta go pick up my son Reid from wrestling practice before he attacks his coach again!"
Bobby Cairo: "Go move to Japan, you fucking loser. I'm tired of both of you. You don't do anything for anybody. You're just taking up space as you wax poetic about the ills of society and the wayward youth of American culture. You make me sick, you pathetic pieces of crap! By the way, Mr. Flair? Ricky Steamboat owns your sorry ass, you washed up motherfucker! Bow down! Now get the hell out of here before I give you two knuckleheads a Van Terminator off the top of the Bling Ladder."
(The scene ends in near-tragedy. Cairo returns to his rock for one last verbal barb.)
Bobby Cairo: "A word of friendly advice for my bitter enemy: Don't kidnap yourself, Jones. Don't allow your development to be arrested. If you fall apart now then my plan will never see completion! I want so badly to ruin your very inner being, and I just couldn't live with myself if you suffered a premature self-destruction! I will also tell you this, Jones: To understand Hell you must first walk through Hell and believe me, Jones, you have a long way to go before you catch up with me!"
(With those last words, Cairo disappears in a puff of smoke...MARY JANE SMOKE YO!!)
