Post by Jack of Blades on Sept 20, 2006 14:43:29 GMT -5
(We open up on what appears to be the exterior derelict distillery with the camera demonstrating numerous towers and constructions common to such a factory. However, the rusting of the equipment along with the denigrating state of the building suggests that it has remained vacant for an extended period of time. At this, Troy, the villain of the piece, a female cohort, come along through the gate leading from the building to the conveniently placed river outside of it. Behind them is the ‘cow’ being dragged with force. The juxtaposition of the broken ‘Cunt Cadillac’ outside the distillery suggests that this is Troy’s hideout. Distressed, the female cohort turns to Troy.)
Female Cohort: Why are we running?
Troy: The Cub Scout showed up. And with his skills he could start a fire.
(We cut to presumably the inside of the building. Kneeling on the floor in the damp structure is Jack of Blades is Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma mode. Kneeling on the floor and in front of a huge mixing vat where the alcohol production probably took place, he rubs two sticks together in an attempt to create fire. Finally a single spark flies out causing Jack to celebrate before turning to a look of shock as he observes something in the distance. Raising his head, the camera observes what he is looking at: a leaking gas tank. An instant cut to Jack of Blades running, in slow motion, always slow motion, out of the building as a gargantuan flame follows him and bellows outwards. Managing to avoid it, Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma looks safe before his face turns to an expression of terror. It seems that a second explosion is moving towards Jack from the opposite direction. Turning to his left-hand side, he runs away from the two explosions trying to sandwich him. The camera remains stationary as he tries this new direction before witnessing him run the other way, his right, after a third explosion has occurred and blocked his escape route. Jack looks to be safe from the three explosions behind him before he witnesses a random man, sitting down with his legs akimbo, waving a flame by his rump. A methane explosion comes from his buttocks causing a fourth explosion to attempt to immolate Blades. Blades, trapped from all directions, now runs into the middle as if to wait for the explosions to overcome him, before raising one hand in the air and looking upwards lifting off as if he were Christopher Reeve in Superman. We then cut to a relaxed Jack of Blades, out of his action hero role, talking about his movie debut.)
Jack of Blades: If I had an alter ego, it would be Snooty Von Ballwinkle, the communist haemophiliac who likes the red but doesn’t want to bleed red. But, yeah, this guy is pretty cool too…
(A cut to action taken from ‘The Cub Scout.’ Jack of Blades is dressed as a cub scout with green jumper and necktie; he is talking to the general from the previous encounter, dressed in similar fashion but with more badges and presumably his Arkela. The general is still wearing the blonde wig as he hands him a piece of paper, Blades takes on a look of strident concern.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: But I’m a cub scout.
General: One of the best.
(They both salute each other but instead of doing the usual military gesture they instead do the Vulcan hand gesture from Star Trek. The General nods his head as he walks off leaving Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma staring at his dismissal documents. We return to Jack of Blades giving his interview.)
Jack of Blades: If you like your action films, you’re going to love this film. You’ve got some great scenes, um me fighting Jesus Christ…
(Cut to Jack of Blades in what appears to be a fight circle similar to those used in Sumo Wrestling. Jack has a bearded man in a vertical position before slamming him down on the ground with his finisher.)
Jack of Blades: Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma versus the entire Macedonian army is good as well.
(Jack of Blades is at a street corner when suddenly he turns to look in the opposite direction. There, in their thousands, is a charging army wielding spears and shields to spill his blood. Jack, immediately drops the crawler he was eating at charges them. We hear the two war screams of the Macedonian collective and Jack of Blades collide before the camera goes black. It soon opens up on the same scene except with the primitive army all slaughtered and hung around the scene with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma perfectly ok. Dead bodies are slung over lampposts, thrown through windows, impaled on railings. And none of this perturbs Jack as he picks up his crawler and continues to enjoy it. Another cut to Blades during the interview.)
Jack of Blades: The fight with Danny Devito is fantastic as well.
(We see a clip of the movie, ‘The Cub Scout’, with Blades walking down a corridor in pitch darkness. He suddenly trips over as shown by his figure disturbing the black tones.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: My fucking shins.
(In a poor impersonation.) Danny DeVito Impersonator: I’m gonna teach you what a taxi is. When I shove it in your ass.
(This time we return to the actor playing Troy in a trailer, presumably having make-up applied to his face. The name ‘Richard Brant’ appears in a text box onscreen with the phrases ‘Starring as Troy.’)
Richard Brant: It was really fun working on this movie. It reminds me of the time that I appeared in ‘The Segregator Returns’ because when ‘I’ was starring in ‘The Segregator Returns’, I was in a similar role as the villain of the piece, that piece being ‘The Segregator Returns.’ In ‘The Cub Scout’, I play the character of Troy, and he’s this kind of this criminal boss but he’s kind of a relaxed criminal thief, a smooth criminal if you will.
(We cut to Troy and his cronies in the ‘Cunt Cadillac’ escaping from the trunk station. The radio is blaring out Kanye West’s ‘Golddigger’, which is causing the group to sing along with zeal.)
(We return to Richard Brant in the chair.)
Richard Brant: He’s a great character to play much like my role in ‘The Segregator Returns.’ That was good too. I mean, ‘The Segregator Returns’ who would not want to talk about being in ‘The Segregator Returns’, like I was when I appeared in the film. The film known as ‘The Segregator Returns.’ Speaking of that, the operative ‘that’ being ‘The Segregator Returns’, Jack of Blades would be perfect for the leading role in that, the one like I had, he’s got such great stage presence. I mean one time, we were talking and he says that he really likes my work, all of it, and he’s followed my career throughout all its stages and said that he’s watched ‘The Segregator Returns’ like…
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Could you please stop saying that?
Richard Brant: The Segregator Returns?
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Yes.
Richard Brant: Ok. Um…The Segregator Returns. Help…me.
(Cut to Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma for some reason tap-dancing before returning to Jack of Blades in the interview.)
Jack of Blades: This film is going to be off the chain. It’s got some great special-effects. In fact, seventy-six minutes of it is entirely in slow motion.
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: And how long is the film?
Jack of Blades: Seventy-seven minutes.
(A cut to a clip of ‘The Cub Scout’ showing the Cow being chained up and mooing in fear as a torturer applies some gloves and approaches her with a bucket, menacingly. Before any forced draining of her tits can happen, we turn to the cow on set milling around. A textbox with the words ‘Daisy starring as ‘Mooreen The Cow!’ appears as if she is to give an interview. She just continues to eat the grass as a small dribble of milk lactates from one of her many udders. We cut again to Jack of Blades in interview, seemingly laughing at something.)
Jack of Blades: Do I find it easy changing from professional wrestler to movie star? I mean, sure, all I wanna do is make a good money.
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Sorry?
Jack of Blades: What?
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: You said ‘good money’; you mean ‘movie’ right?
Jack of Blades: Sure, ‘good movie.’ If I give you some money will you leave that out?
(The words ‘This Summer’ flash onto the screen in bold italics. A dramatic voice-over compliments it as we cut to an image of a barbecue to signify ‘summer.’)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: This summer…
(The words ‘See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades’ come onto the screen in the same style before cutting to what seems to be an amateur video. It shows a door being opened somewhat nervously as it reveals a naked man having sex with an attractive brown-haired female in doggy style. On her back, rests a copy of time magazine that the male occasionally flicks through while not smoking his cigar. He suddenly notices the voyeur taping them.)
Jack of Blades: Lerch, if you don’t remove that camera I’m going to make it do a colonoscopy on you!
(The words ‘As A One Man Army…’ flash on the screen as before, just as we cut to a scene of Jack of Blades, in role, running away from another explosion in bullet-time. It seems that Jack of Blades is safe from the explosion before the camera pans to the side revealing that he is actually chasing an ice-cream van and that the explosions just have a habit of appearing behind him. The final words, ‘Who Never Surrenders’, replace this before cutting to the scene of the press conference where Blades retired from the WCF.)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover:...Who Never Surrenders.
Hank Brown: At 8:39 last night, former Television champion, Jack of Blades resigned from Wrestling Championship Federation, which lead to a mutual agreement on his release.
(We end with the words ‘The Cub Scout in cinemas when there’s nothing else on that could surpass us’ playing us out of this feature.)
Female Cohort: Why are we running?
Troy: The Cub Scout showed up. And with his skills he could start a fire.
(We cut to presumably the inside of the building. Kneeling on the floor in the damp structure is Jack of Blades is Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma mode. Kneeling on the floor and in front of a huge mixing vat where the alcohol production probably took place, he rubs two sticks together in an attempt to create fire. Finally a single spark flies out causing Jack to celebrate before turning to a look of shock as he observes something in the distance. Raising his head, the camera observes what he is looking at: a leaking gas tank. An instant cut to Jack of Blades running, in slow motion, always slow motion, out of the building as a gargantuan flame follows him and bellows outwards. Managing to avoid it, Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma looks safe before his face turns to an expression of terror. It seems that a second explosion is moving towards Jack from the opposite direction. Turning to his left-hand side, he runs away from the two explosions trying to sandwich him. The camera remains stationary as he tries this new direction before witnessing him run the other way, his right, after a third explosion has occurred and blocked his escape route. Jack looks to be safe from the three explosions behind him before he witnesses a random man, sitting down with his legs akimbo, waving a flame by his rump. A methane explosion comes from his buttocks causing a fourth explosion to attempt to immolate Blades. Blades, trapped from all directions, now runs into the middle as if to wait for the explosions to overcome him, before raising one hand in the air and looking upwards lifting off as if he were Christopher Reeve in Superman. We then cut to a relaxed Jack of Blades, out of his action hero role, talking about his movie debut.)
Jack of Blades: If I had an alter ego, it would be Snooty Von Ballwinkle, the communist haemophiliac who likes the red but doesn’t want to bleed red. But, yeah, this guy is pretty cool too…
(A cut to action taken from ‘The Cub Scout.’ Jack of Blades is dressed as a cub scout with green jumper and necktie; he is talking to the general from the previous encounter, dressed in similar fashion but with more badges and presumably his Arkela. The general is still wearing the blonde wig as he hands him a piece of paper, Blades takes on a look of strident concern.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: But I’m a cub scout.
General: One of the best.
(They both salute each other but instead of doing the usual military gesture they instead do the Vulcan hand gesture from Star Trek. The General nods his head as he walks off leaving Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma staring at his dismissal documents. We return to Jack of Blades giving his interview.)
Jack of Blades: If you like your action films, you’re going to love this film. You’ve got some great scenes, um me fighting Jesus Christ…
(Cut to Jack of Blades in what appears to be a fight circle similar to those used in Sumo Wrestling. Jack has a bearded man in a vertical position before slamming him down on the ground with his finisher.)
Jack of Blades: Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma versus the entire Macedonian army is good as well.
(Jack of Blades is at a street corner when suddenly he turns to look in the opposite direction. There, in their thousands, is a charging army wielding spears and shields to spill his blood. Jack, immediately drops the crawler he was eating at charges them. We hear the two war screams of the Macedonian collective and Jack of Blades collide before the camera goes black. It soon opens up on the same scene except with the primitive army all slaughtered and hung around the scene with Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma perfectly ok. Dead bodies are slung over lampposts, thrown through windows, impaled on railings. And none of this perturbs Jack as he picks up his crawler and continues to enjoy it. Another cut to Blades during the interview.)
Jack of Blades: The fight with Danny Devito is fantastic as well.
(We see a clip of the movie, ‘The Cub Scout’, with Blades walking down a corridor in pitch darkness. He suddenly trips over as shown by his figure disturbing the black tones.)
Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma: My fucking shins.
(In a poor impersonation.) Danny DeVito Impersonator: I’m gonna teach you what a taxi is. When I shove it in your ass.
(This time we return to the actor playing Troy in a trailer, presumably having make-up applied to his face. The name ‘Richard Brant’ appears in a text box onscreen with the phrases ‘Starring as Troy.’)
Richard Brant: It was really fun working on this movie. It reminds me of the time that I appeared in ‘The Segregator Returns’ because when ‘I’ was starring in ‘The Segregator Returns’, I was in a similar role as the villain of the piece, that piece being ‘The Segregator Returns.’ In ‘The Cub Scout’, I play the character of Troy, and he’s this kind of this criminal boss but he’s kind of a relaxed criminal thief, a smooth criminal if you will.
(We cut to Troy and his cronies in the ‘Cunt Cadillac’ escaping from the trunk station. The radio is blaring out Kanye West’s ‘Golddigger’, which is causing the group to sing along with zeal.)
(We return to Richard Brant in the chair.)
Richard Brant: He’s a great character to play much like my role in ‘The Segregator Returns.’ That was good too. I mean, ‘The Segregator Returns’ who would not want to talk about being in ‘The Segregator Returns’, like I was when I appeared in the film. The film known as ‘The Segregator Returns.’ Speaking of that, the operative ‘that’ being ‘The Segregator Returns’, Jack of Blades would be perfect for the leading role in that, the one like I had, he’s got such great stage presence. I mean one time, we were talking and he says that he really likes my work, all of it, and he’s followed my career throughout all its stages and said that he’s watched ‘The Segregator Returns’ like…
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Could you please stop saying that?
Richard Brant: The Segregator Returns?
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Yes.
Richard Brant: Ok. Um…The Segregator Returns. Help…me.
(Cut to Jack Genericactionheronametwohundredandthirtysevengamma for some reason tap-dancing before returning to Jack of Blades in the interview.)
Jack of Blades: This film is going to be off the chain. It’s got some great special-effects. In fact, seventy-six minutes of it is entirely in slow motion.
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: And how long is the film?
Jack of Blades: Seventy-seven minutes.
(A cut to a clip of ‘The Cub Scout’ showing the Cow being chained up and mooing in fear as a torturer applies some gloves and approaches her with a bucket, menacingly. Before any forced draining of her tits can happen, we turn to the cow on set milling around. A textbox with the words ‘Daisy starring as ‘Mooreen The Cow!’ appears as if she is to give an interview. She just continues to eat the grass as a small dribble of milk lactates from one of her many udders. We cut again to Jack of Blades in interview, seemingly laughing at something.)
Jack of Blades: Do I find it easy changing from professional wrestler to movie star? I mean, sure, all I wanna do is make a good money.
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: Sorry?
Jack of Blades: What?
(Off-screen.) Interviewer: You said ‘good money’; you mean ‘movie’ right?
Jack of Blades: Sure, ‘good movie.’ If I give you some money will you leave that out?
(The words ‘This Summer’ flash onto the screen in bold italics. A dramatic voice-over compliments it as we cut to an image of a barbecue to signify ‘summer.’)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover: This summer…
(The words ‘See WCF Superstar, Jack of Blades’ come onto the screen in the same style before cutting to what seems to be an amateur video. It shows a door being opened somewhat nervously as it reveals a naked man having sex with an attractive brown-haired female in doggy style. On her back, rests a copy of time magazine that the male occasionally flicks through while not smoking his cigar. He suddenly notices the voyeur taping them.)
Jack of Blades: Lerch, if you don’t remove that camera I’m going to make it do a colonoscopy on you!
(The words ‘As A One Man Army…’ flash on the screen as before, just as we cut to a scene of Jack of Blades, in role, running away from another explosion in bullet-time. It seems that Jack of Blades is safe from the explosion before the camera pans to the side revealing that he is actually chasing an ice-cream van and that the explosions just have a habit of appearing behind him. The final words, ‘Who Never Surrenders’, replace this before cutting to the scene of the press conference where Blades retired from the WCF.)
(V.O.) Dramatic Voiceover:...Who Never Surrenders.
Hank Brown: At 8:39 last night, former Television champion, Jack of Blades resigned from Wrestling Championship Federation, which lead to a mutual agreement on his release.
(We end with the words ‘The Cub Scout in cinemas when there’s nothing else on that could surpass us’ playing us out of this feature.)
