Feedback on "House of Lectures"

[Deleted]

Now that I've properly spellchecked the bloody thing, I figure I ought to let you all have a go at my work. Especially anyone I mentioned in the promo itself. Tell me what you liked, didn't like, if you think it fucking sucks and I should kill myself, I can take it. Of course it's not that bad anyway. I know damn well how good smack talk this is. But what do you think? 

wcfwrestling.proboards.com/thread/27647/house-lectures-promo

[Odin Balfore]

RP: House of Lectures


Handler: Dag Riddick




Overview thoughts: A very simple and bland promo that does not accomplish a whole lot more then preventing a no show




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 2

Character Development: 2

Shoot: 3

Flow: 2


Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

This is Dags second RP with WCF, at least his second match. I get the sense that this is new, a new character, fed and possibly a first time RPing in Efeds. There isn’t a lot here, certainly underwhelming for the WCFs BIG PPV. This literally felt like a sand bag promo done at the start of the week. I don’t get a sense of urgency or bravado or anything. There is little confidence in the promo, little character development, a little shoot. This would have been fine for a debut promo on SLAM, but not for a PPV and definitely not ONE. Its just factors working against the piece rather than the piece itself but the content certainly does not do itself any favor.

I could go on about how the factors don’t help the promo but I’ll just leave it be by saying ‘step up on PPVs”

Starting in with the promo there are mechanical issues with it. You start with essentially an empty arena promo. Its not even a live promo in an empty arena, it’s the feed through the tron into an empty arena. What you choose to do is normally your business for character sake but that really hurt the promo.

So we have this NEW character getting a chance to strike it big at biggest PPV in the company and you come to the yard with an empty arena promo at the start of the week. It just really fails to make an impact. Guys step up at the PPVs and at ONE and the character just did a video feed? As a reader, that just feels lazy. But on the to the breakdown.


Scene Description: This was so-so. It was enough to get you through the promo without any major issues but there is nothing spectacular to write home about to put the piece into a better standing.


Character Development: You slap yourself in the face with your development because you have a character whose heel that ‘doesn’t care about what people think’ yet still has to pull a promo on his opponents and display that he cares about this match. Yah, Dags an asshole with an empty arena promo but WHO IS SEEING IT? So that doesn’t matter? Like from a character stand point, the fans and people are below him so why does it matter to Dag? Exactly… tell the reader why it matters. I mean, Dag does care about the match because later on he says hes going to thank seth for an easy win. So you cut yourself with a double edge because you have a character that claims he doesn’t care and yet, he does care. Its not even a heel tactic at that point, its just foolish and lazy to present a character in that fashion and have it go nowhere in the promo.


Shoot: “Who is Andrea Aquarius, you might ask? I mean, I wouldn't, because I don't give two shits who my opponents are because I know I'm going to win”

Dag follows that up by SHOOTING on his opponents one at a time despite the fact that he doesn’t care about them.

The rest of the shoot was marred by that opening statement. Why should a reader continue to read and become invested in the promo and the match if the main character isn’t? I could have stopped right there and miss nothing in the rest of the piece. In that statement you pretty much tell the reader to stop reading because you have nothing to say. Sure, you wrote generic shoot because it’s a bunch of people and you as the writer have no idea who they are and what they can do but the shoot went no further than “ I don’t care. I’m going to win.”

The worst part is that you didn’t even finish the shoot. You just got yourself distracted in the ‘ my character don’t care gimmick.”

“"Oh, thank goodness it appears I've run through the lot of them. I'm freaking starving. What an ordeal that was, now I'm all worked up and for nothing. After reviewing my competitors it only reaffirms my position as absolute undeniable victor of this battle royal at the grandest show on the company's calendar year. Brilliant. I ought to thank Seth personally for this. It's as though he booked this match just for me to give the finger to all these buffoons who think they're hot shit. Well I really ought to get something to eat now. Continue with your irrelevant lives, ladies and gentlemen of the audience."

^ - That should be a funny Segway into capping off the promo. But it isn’t. It just feels lazy, forced, rushed and empty. Dag winning because he said so, isn’t shoot. Its nothing. You have gave the readers a reason to have Dag win the match and care in his own way and keep the gimmick strong but you didn’t. I don’t know where the horse rode the cart off a cliff but it did. Your shoot buried the promo, the match and the character. And that’s a damn shame.

Flow: Like I said, I could literally stop at that Andre line and not miss anything else in the promo. I could have stopped and done other things and I still would a good understanding about the promo and motivation of the character. I literally dead stopped and said ‘ yah, I don’t need to go further’. Anytime a reader stops, skips, gets bored, feels cheated or has to the re-read, that flow suffers. And you completed the trifecta.




Suggestions:


- expand your scene description, give the reader something to imagine

- There are other ways to get across the gimmick; which isn’t a bad gimmick but its easy to shoot yourself with it. Dag can have a motivation to win and still care little to none about his opponents.

- Shoot. Put yourself over your opponents. Make the reader feel like Dag is winning the match and doing something important.

- Flow. Like I said, anytime you make the reader want to stop or re-read or anything, its hurting the piece.

[Deleted]

Dec 27, 2015 13:46:52 GMT -5 Odin Balfore said:

RP: House of Lectures


Handler: Dag Riddick




Overview thoughts: A very simple and bland promo that does not accomplish a whole lot more then preventing a no show




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 2

Character Development: 2

Shoot: 3

Flow: 2


Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

This is Dags second RP with WCF, at least his second match. I get the sense that this is new, a new character, fed and possibly a first time RPing in Efeds. There isn’t a lot here, certainly underwhelming for the WCFs BIG PPV. This literally felt like a sand bag promo done at the start of the week. I don’t get a sense of urgency or bravado or anything. There is little confidence in the promo, little character development, a little shoot. This would have been fine for a debut promo on SLAM, but not for a PPV and definitely not ONE. Its just factors working against the piece rather than the piece itself but the content certainly does not do itself any favor.

I could go on about how the factors don’t help the promo but I’ll just leave it be by saying ‘step up on PPVs”

Starting in with the promo there are mechanical issues with it. You start with essentially an empty arena promo. Its not even a live promo in an empty arena, it’s the feed through the tron into an empty arena. What you choose to do is normally your business for character sake but that really hurt the promo.

So we have this NEW character getting a chance to strike it big at biggest PPV in the company and you come to the yard with an empty arena promo at the start of the week. It just really fails to make an impact. Guys step up at the PPVs and at ONE and the character just did a video feed? As a reader, that just feels lazy. But on the to the breakdown.


Scene Description: This was so-so. It was enough to get you through the promo without any major issues but there is nothing spectacular to write home about to put the piece into a better standing.


Character Development: You slap yourself in the face with your development because you have a character whose heel that ‘doesn’t care about what people think’ yet still has to pull a promo on his opponents and display that he cares about this match. Yah, Dags an asshole with an empty arena promo but WHO IS SEEING IT? So that doesn’t matter? Like from a character stand point, the fans and people are below him so why does it matter to Dag? Exactly… tell the reader why it matters. I mean, Dag does care about the match because later on he says hes going to thank seth for an easy win. So you cut yourself with a double edge because you have a character that claims he doesn’t care and yet, he does care. Its not even a heel tactic at that point, its just foolish and lazy to present a character in that fashion and have it go nowhere in the promo.


Shoot: “Who is Andrea Aquarius, you might ask? I mean, I wouldn't, because I don't give two shits who my opponents are because I know I'm going to win”

Dag follows that up by SHOOTING on his opponents one at a time despite the fact that he doesn’t care about them.

The rest of the shoot was marred by that opening statement. Why should a reader continue to read and become invested in the promo and the match if the main character isn’t? I could have stopped right there and miss nothing in the rest of the piece. In that statement you pretty much tell the reader to stop reading because you have nothing to say. Sure, you wrote generic shoot because it’s a bunch of people and you as the writer have no idea who they are and what they can do but the shoot went no further than “ I don’t care. I’m going to win.”

The worst part is that you didn’t even finish the shoot. You just got yourself distracted in the ‘ my character don’t care gimmick.”

“"Oh, thank goodness it appears I've run through the lot of them. I'm freaking starving. What an ordeal that was, now I'm all worked up and for nothing. After reviewing my competitors it only reaffirms my position as absolute undeniable victor of this battle royal at the grandest show on the company's calendar year. Brilliant. I ought to thank Seth personally for this. It's as though he booked this match just for me to give the finger to all these buffoons who think they're hot shit. Well I really ought to get something to eat now. Continue with your irrelevant lives, ladies and gentlemen of the audience."

^ - That should be a funny Segway into capping off the promo. But it isn’t. It just feels lazy, forced, rushed and empty. Dag winning because he said so, isn’t shoot. Its nothing. You have gave the readers a reason to have Dag win the match and care in his own way and keep the gimmick strong but you didn’t. I don’t know where the horse rode the cart off a cliff but it did. Your shoot buried the promo, the match and the character. And that’s a damn shame.

Flow: Like I said, I could literally stop at that Andre line and not miss anything else in the promo. I could have stopped and done other things and I still would a good understanding about the promo and motivation of the character. I literally dead stopped and said ‘ yah, I don’t need to go further’. Anytime a reader stops, skips, gets bored, feels cheated or has to the re-read, that flow suffers. And you completed the trifecta.




Suggestions:


- expand your scene description, give the reader something to imagine

- There are other ways to get across the gimmick; which isn’t a bad gimmick but its easy to shoot yourself with it. Dag can have a motivation to win and still care little to none about his opponents.

- Shoot. Put yourself over your opponents. Make the reader feel like Dag is winning the match and doing something important.

- Flow. Like I said, anytime you make the reader want to stop or re-read or anything, its hurting the piece.

First off, thank you for taking the time to review my promo and offer feedback. I appreciate you telling me your thoughts. It appears to me that pehaps the biggest issue is that there just isn't enough content in this promo, correct? Certainly as you said there are issues with what my character said about not caring contradicting his actions, which I understand. I'm dissapointed that I couldn't take the time to go back over it and pick out something like that which seems to have severely hurt the whole thing. Based off your suggestions and the other issues you picked out, I think you think there are things missing which aren't, but in reality I just didn't pronounce them enough. For example, it's not supposed to be an empty arena. I sort of figured it would be implied that the arena is a normal arena at some lower show, but if that's not a common practice here then that's my mistake. As for the shoots I think I tried to mix too many typical heel aspects in restrospect. I know what I want Dag to be like, and essentially it's me, so a lot of the things he says are based off things I would say to piss someone off. Would I go out of my way to say I don't care about someone then berate them? No, and I should realize that if I'm writing a character who is supposed to share similarities with me. This is, as you said, my first time doing RPs in a fed, but I have done promos in a league before. I think one issue will be transition from that style and properly assuming the style of this efed. I also obviously need to take more time. I was far too busy this week, but hopefully I can get something which isn't donkey shit out today. I have one question for you, if you usually reply after leaving feedback: how was the trash talk, or shoot as it's called?

[Odin Balfore]

Dec 27, 2015 14:11:53 GMT -5 @dagriddik said:

Dec 27, 2015 13:46:52 GMT -5 Odin Balfore said:

First off, thank you for taking the time to review my promo and offer feedback. I appreciate you telling me your thoughts. It appears to me that pehaps the biggest issue is that there just isn't enough content in this promo, correct? Certainly as you said there are issues with what my character said about not caring contradicting his actions, which I understand. I'm dissapointed that I couldn't take the time to go back over it and pick out something like that which seems to have severely hurt the whole thing. Based off your suggestions and the other issues you picked out, I think you think there are things missing which aren't, but in reality I just didn't pronounce them enough. For example, it's not supposed to be an empty arena. I sort of figured it would be implied that the arena is a normal arena at some lower show, but if that's not a common practice here then that's my mistake. As for the shoots I think I tried to mix too many typical heel aspects in restrospect. I know what I want Dag to be like, and essentially it's me, so a lot of the things he says are based off things I would say to piss someone off. Would I go out of my way to say I don't care about someone then berate them? No, and I should realize that if I'm writing a character who is supposed to share similarities with me. This is, as you said, my first time doing RPs in a fed, but I have done promos in a league before. I think one issue will be transition from that style and properly assuming the style of this efed. I also obviously need to take more time. I was far too busy this week, but hopefully I can get something which isn't donkey shit out today. I have one question for you, if you usually reply after leaving feedback: how was the trash talk, or shoot as it's called?

OK! Awesome. A couple of things


1. You're welcome

2. I'm not doing this to be an asshole. It may be critical but its not meant to make you feel like crap, just FYI

3. You're not far off the mark for what you're trying to do but you did miss it.

4. in WCF empty area promos  are NOT really used. they are seen as lazy. I personally don't care because its your choice but since I know WCF doesnt do those kinds of pieces, its essentially a empty arena promo. If you said this was at a house show in X town in front of people, thats different and fine. So me as the reader thinks, OK this is a random promo in the middle of the empty staples center.

5. you did mix a lot of things together with character and shoot, which is OK but it was not executed right. I can imagine that you being new to Efedding that my review could be harsh but to a seasoned writer in this game, its accurate and fair.

6. This kind of  character you're trying to do is easy yet tricky if you try to do too much. Flush out a back story, a reason for dag to be dag and give him an isolated motivation beyond the opponent. You can care little for the opponent and shoot on them because Dag is an asshole but you cant stone wall it and then shoot because you have to- it gets messy

7. work week gets away from everyone. but the Deadline for posting your material is 6 PM EST on sunday for Slam! events and PPVs, unless SETH states otherwise.

8. With shoot, the trash talk, I'm up there as one of the better guys and there are a LOT of great trash talkers. So my advice to you is to go read promos.  Read Wade Moor, Joey Flash ( magli-something-something ) Spencer Adams, Mikey Extreme, Jared Holmes.  Read and get a style down in your head to how you want your character sound. Shooting is mor than just putting your opponent down. You want to show the reader that Dag deserves to win and will win and X has no chance of winning. Think of it like a rap battle, that killer verse is what puts people over the top.

[Odin Balfore]

Another thing, I have a " Odin Balfores promo tips" pinned to this sub board. Its general tips for improving. You might find it useful. Also don't be afraid to message guys and ask opinions and feedback. WCF normally doesnt do feedback, the feedback board generally gets ignored. So you might not always get feedback ( don't feel bad if you dont get it ) So you would have to specifically ask dudes for their thoughts.

Also dont be afraid to ask the Admins if you have questions.

Admins are:

Seth ( Owner )

Corey Black

Jay Price

Gravedigger

Oblivion

Myself

John Gable / Preecha Kamon


- Seth is busy and may not get to you right away. The other admins are very quick to help, so don't feel like you cant message them with a concern or question.

[Joey Flash]

Dec 27, 2015 14:11:53 GMT -5 @dagriddik said:

Dec 27, 2015 13:46:52 GMT -5 Odin Balfore said:

RP: House of Lectures


Handler: Dag Riddick




Overview thoughts: A very simple and bland promo that does not accomplish a whole lot more then preventing a no show




RP Breakdown

Scene description: 2

Character Development: 2

Shoot: 3

Flow: 2


Overall Rating: 2.5 out of 5




Critical Review:

This is Dags second RP with WCF, at least his second match. I get the sense that this is new, a new character, fed and possibly a first time RPing in Efeds. There isn’t a lot here, certainly underwhelming for the WCFs BIG PPV. This literally felt like a sand bag promo done at the start of the week. I don’t get a sense of urgency or bravado or anything. There is little confidence in the promo, little character development, a little shoot. This would have been fine for a debut promo on SLAM, but not for a PPV and definitely not ONE. Its just factors working against the piece rather than the piece itself but the content certainly does not do itself any favor.

I could go on about how the factors don’t help the promo but I’ll just leave it be by saying ‘step up on PPVs”

Starting in with the promo there are mechanical issues with it. You start with essentially an empty arena promo. Its not even a live promo in an empty arena, it’s the feed through the tron into an empty arena. What you choose to do is normally your business for character sake but that really hurt the promo.

So we have this NEW character getting a chance to strike it big at biggest PPV in the company and you come to the yard with an empty arena promo at the start of the week. It just really fails to make an impact. Guys step up at the PPVs and at ONE and the character just did a video feed? As a reader, that just feels lazy. But on the to the breakdown.


Scene Description: This was so-so. It was enough to get you through the promo without any major issues but there is nothing spectacular to write home about to put the piece into a better standing.


Character Development: You slap yourself in the face with your development because you have a character whose heel that ‘doesn’t care about what people think’ yet still has to pull a promo on his opponents and display that he cares about this match. Yah, Dags an asshole with an empty arena promo but WHO IS SEEING IT? So that doesn’t matter? Like from a character stand point, the fans and people are below him so why does it matter to Dag? Exactly… tell the reader why it matters. I mean, Dag does care about the match because later on he says hes going to thank seth for an easy win. So you cut yourself with a double edge because you have a character that claims he doesn’t care and yet, he does care. Its not even a heel tactic at that point, its just foolish and lazy to present a character in that fashion and have it go nowhere in the promo.


Shoot: “Who is Andrea Aquarius, you might ask? I mean, I wouldn't, because I don't give two shits who my opponents are because I know I'm going to win”

Dag follows that up by SHOOTING on his opponents one at a time despite the fact that he doesn’t care about them.

The rest of the shoot was marred by that opening statement. Why should a reader continue to read and become invested in the promo and the match if the main character isn’t? I could have stopped right there and miss nothing in the rest of the piece. In that statement you pretty much tell the reader to stop reading because you have nothing to say. Sure, you wrote generic shoot because it’s a bunch of people and you as the writer have no idea who they are and what they can do but the shoot went no further than “ I don’t care. I’m going to win.”

The worst part is that you didn’t even finish the shoot. You just got yourself distracted in the ‘ my character don’t care gimmick.”

“"Oh, thank goodness it appears I've run through the lot of them. I'm freaking starving. What an ordeal that was, now I'm all worked up and for nothing. After reviewing my competitors it only reaffirms my position as absolute undeniable victor of this battle royal at the grandest show on the company's calendar year. Brilliant. I ought to thank Seth personally for this. It's as though he booked this match just for me to give the finger to all these buffoons who think they're hot shit. Well I really ought to get something to eat now. Continue with your irrelevant lives, ladies and gentlemen of the audience."

^ - That should be a funny Segway into capping off the promo. But it isn’t. It just feels lazy, forced, rushed and empty. Dag winning because he said so, isn’t shoot. Its nothing. You have gave the readers a reason to have Dag win the match and care in his own way and keep the gimmick strong but you didn’t. I don’t know where the horse rode the cart off a cliff but it did. Your shoot buried the promo, the match and the character. And that’s a damn shame.

Flow: Like I said, I could literally stop at that Andre line and not miss anything else in the promo. I could have stopped and done other things and I still would a good understanding about the promo and motivation of the character. I literally dead stopped and said ‘ yah, I don’t need to go further’. Anytime a reader stops, skips, gets bored, feels cheated or has to the re-read, that flow suffers. And you completed the trifecta.




Suggestions:


- expand your scene description, give the reader something to imagine

- There are other ways to get across the gimmick; which isn’t a bad gimmick but its easy to shoot yourself with it. Dag can have a motivation to win and still care little to none about his opponents.

- Shoot. Put yourself over your opponents. Make the reader feel like Dag is winning the match and doing something important.

- Flow. Like I said, anytime you make the reader want to stop or re-read or anything, its hurting the piece.

First off, thank you for taking the time to review my promo and offer feedback. I appreciate you telling me your thoughts. It appears to me that pehaps the biggest issue is that there just isn't enough content in this promo, correct? Certainly as you said there are issues with what my character said about not caring contradicting his actions, which I understand. I'm dissapointed that I couldn't take the time to go back over it and pick out something like that which seems to have severely hurt the whole thing. Based off your suggestions and the other issues you picked out, I think you think there are things missing which aren't, but in reality I just didn't pronounce them enough. For example, it's not supposed to be an empty arena. I sort of figured it would be implied that the arena is a normal arena at some lower show, but if that's not a common practice here then that's my mistake. As for the shoots I think I tried to mix too many typical heel aspects in restrospect. I know what I want Dag to be like, and essentially it's me, so a lot of the things he says are based off things I would say to piss someone off. Would I go out of my way to say I don't care about someone then berate them? No, and I should realize that if I'm writing a character who is supposed to share similarities with me. This is, as you said, my first time doing RPs in a fed, but I have done promos in a league before. I think one issue will be transition from that style and properly assuming the style of this efed. I also obviously need to take more time. I was far too busy this week, but hopefully I can get something which isn't donkey shit out today. I have one question for you, if you usually reply after leaving feedback: how was the trash talk, or shoot as it's called?

That's a great attitude!

The potential is DEFINITELY there, for a debut promo it was solid and the trash talk/shoot potential I can sense is great. Keep it up!