Post by Alex Richards on Nov 13, 2015 13:10:31 GMT -5
Narrator: (SZR) Alex Richards, The Archduke of Mass Confusion vowed to take more of a leadership role within Pantheon, declared war on The Beach Krew last week, issued a challenge to Zombie McMorris, then lead his team to victory against Occulo and Wolf by drilling Wolf with the Final Enlightenment and pinning him. How will Alex follow that up this week? Apparently by going to a Chinese buffet? Well okay then let's go with it. As we see Alex in the buffet line talking with well not me, I'm kind of getting sick of Chinese food but with a gentleman in his late 40s with salt and pepper hair. The man is wearing clean blue jeans and a pressed work shirt. Alex appears to be trying to teach him the ways of buffet.
Alex Richards: I'm telling you man. Take some of those deep fried chicken wings, load Beef and broccoli on top of it, then dump about a half pound of sweet and sour sauce, then garnish with chow Mein noodles. I'm telling you.. it'll change your life.
The man appears to be getting queasy at the mere moment of that. But he politely responds.
Man: I'm going to have to decline Mister Richards.
Alex Richards: Suit yourself, I'm telling you you're making a mistake though. But don't call me Mister Richards, call me Alex.. or the Archduke or The God of the Internet or Chuckie or Uncle Fester, or..
Man: Chuckie?
Alex Richards: Why not. But don't call me Mister Richards. This is not a formal meeting.
Man: Speaking of meetings. You told me there was another candidate. But he is already 15 minutes late.
Alex Richards: Don't worry, I've already made a note about that. We're gonna do this by the book. Make sure the best person for the job gets hired. Speaking of which.. did you bring the cats?
Man: OH my god, I thought that was a sick joke. You mean..
Alex Richards: They said we could eat for free if we each brought a couple of cats. I never joke about free food man!
The salt and pepper haired gentleman looks at the food on his plate, and instantly turns green and rushes for the bathroom. While he is gone Alex lights up a cigar and finishes his plate of food, shaking his head. AS the man returns still looking more than a little grossed out the second man finally shows up, wearing a battered Metallica shirt, rumpled jeans, probably the same clothes he wore yesterday former Pantheon Cut competitor Jack Page walks in holding a mewing canvas sack. The older gentleman looks absolutely disgusted as Jack slaps down the sack full of cat on the table.
Jack Page: Alright, we are gonna deep fry these fuckers or what?
Alex Richards: What is wrong with you guys? Ju Chang has been having a problem with mice at her house. So I promised her some cats. People don't like giving cats to people who own Chinese restaurants for some reason.
Salt and Pepper Man: So you don't eat cat?
Alex Richards: Of course not! What's wrong with you? Besides why are people judging me? You have seen what Oblivion eats haven't you?
Alex picks up the bag and walks over towards the older Asian lady at the front door who takes the bag and gives Alex a hug. Alex satisfied returns to the table.
Alex Richards: Alright, now let's get down to business. You both responded to my ad on LinkedIn.com. As the greatest internet champion of all time I can do almost anything on the internet including job postings. While the only thing Zombie McMorris can do on the internet is troll. You were the first two to reply to my ad for janitorial work on Friday November 13th. Tell me a little about yourself and why are you interested in this position.
Salt and Pepper Man: My name is Mark Jackson. I am 57 years old and recently retired. I am from Fayetteville, North Carolina and have spend almost 40 years working as a janitor or a sanitation technician in various hotels and schools. I am especially proud of my time serving the students of Troy Middle School, Cleveland Middle School, and East Montgomery High School.
Alex Richards: Well that's a benefit Mark. Because of you're hired you certainly will be working with children. How about you Jack?
Jack Page: I need a job because YOU FUCKING FIRED ME!
Alex Richards: Wait a second! How is it my fault you lost the Cut? Maybe if you didn't constantly try to out drink me you would have done better in some of those competitions.
Mark Jackson: I would never have that problem because I do not drink.
Jack Page: Shut up nerd before I stick a broomstick up your ass!
Mark Jackson: Are you threatening me? What kind of an interview is this?
Alex Richards: He doesn't even have a broom.
Jack Page: I know how to use one though.
Mark Jackson: I severely doubt you can operate even a push broom. How quickly can you sweep a hallway? Can you sweep an entire floor of a 7 story school building before class ends and the students enter the hallway? I think not!
Jack Page: That's not how I use a push broom.
Alex Richards: What experience as a janitor do you actually have Jack?
Jack Page: I worked as a janitor in prison for 5 weeks. Until I was unfairly fired.
Mark Jackson: Unfairly fired? I doubt that!
Jack Page: They send me back to the laundry after they said I used a toilet brush to make a shank. It barely broke the skin!
Alex Richards: So it's obvious Mark is the more experienced janitor.
Mark Jackson: Thank you sir.
Jack Page: Kiss ass.
Alex Richards: But I think we need to discuss how you guys might do the actual job tasks. After all you will be replacing me for a major event, the first ever BeachMania show. I want to make sure my interests are properly represented. At BeachMania there will be plenty of blood and tears. Likely in the Beach Krew locker because of all the sodomy. This is gonna require some mopping. So how do you mop?
Mark Jackson: This is a very good question. First you must consider the surface. If it's is carpeted, you do not mop you can however use a steam cleaner. If it is a hardwood floor you need a specialized solution. I prefer Murphy's oil soap. However I did my research and learned that BeachMania is a wrestling event which means it will likely have cement floors. So in this case I would recommend a vinegar and hot water solution. A through scrubbing followed up with a dry mop to pretend potential slip and hall injuries would likely be best.
Alex nods and writes something down in his notebook then turns to Jack.
Alex Richards: And how would you handle mopping?
Jack Page: Put some shit in the mop bucket then kick it over. Water goes everywhere, shit is clean.
Mark Jackson: You mean some sort of cleaning solution surely, not actual facial matter?
Jack Page: Whatever if you want to be fancy. But it's a Bitch Krew show so who gives a fuck?
Mark Jackson: You seriously expect to get a job by insulting your potential employers? How many jobs have you had?
Jack Page: Lots of them. I've been a mugger, a bank robber, lump up man, hired goon, hired thug, freelance thug, thug for hire, thug for pleasure..
Mark Jackson: You certainly are a thug.
Jack Page: I knew you would be kissing my ass too eventually.
Alex Richards: We're going to let Jack go first on this next question because it's only fair. So Jack how would you clean a bathroom?
Jack Page: If someone puked it in I grab em by the hair and rub their face in it until the puke is gone. Same for someone shitting or pissing somewhere. Otherwise than that, spray some air freshener and you're fine. I mean it's not like it's a big deal or something.
Mark Jackson: Are you serious? Haven't you ever heard of bacteria? E Coli? Do you not know how dangerous this is? Do I even need an answer besides I would actually clean it?
Alex Richards: No, you do not.
Mark looks smug.
Mark Jackson: I didn't think so.
Alex Richards: I only have one final question. The people in charge of this show are spoiled, rich kids and thus very likely to complain. How would you deal with difficult employers?
Mark Jackson: I'll field this first. I am quite sick of my fellow candidates answers. If he lost this Cut thing in the past at least he will be used to losing. I have never had a complain over how I worked. I always do a though and complete job. But I consider myself a profession so if my employees had a problem I would swiftly respond and make things right. I pride myself in being able to work for and with anyone so I don't fore see any difficulties. I can assure you Alex, you will receive no negative feedback from my work.
Jack Page: Ever get kicked in the nuts? Complain about what I'm doing you'll get kicked in the nuts. I'll probably also attack you with whatever I was working with. So I might stick your head in the toilet, I might beat you down with a vacuum cleaner, maybe spray you in the face with some cleaner. Lots of bitches bitch about me. But none of them do it twice.
Alex looks at the notes he has been taking, clearly reviewing the facts which obviously confuses Mark because his fellow candidate has no actual skills to speak of.
Alex Richards: It's obvious Mark is the better janitor. I don't know if Jack has ever actually cleaned anything.
Jack Page: I'll clean your clock in 5 minutes.
Alex Richards: Furthermore he's obviously delusional if he thinks he can do that.
Jack simply flips Alex off in response.
Alex Richards: The choice has been clear since the moment we started this interview. Sorry Mark, I have to offer Jack this position.
Mark Jackson: You can't be serious! This man can not do a good job! This man will ruin the show most likely!
Alex Richards: Good points. But that is exactly why I want him to replace me! The Beach Krew were stupid enough to assign me as a janitor to their scheduled show. How I wish their scheduled show was on Thursday the 12th or Saturday the 14th because I would love to be there as a janitor. With the goal to make their lives as miserable as possible! To mess with them as much as I possibly could! Since the Beach Krew were stupid enough to give me an opening, to invite me to their show. I want to make their decision look as foolish, as stupid as possible! You don't take out a member of Pantheon, let alone three without paying the ultimate price! If not for XIII I would be here with the goal of doing something that single handedly canceled BeachMania. That proved once and for all their entire reign on top of the WCF is a farce! I'm sorry Mark, you never really had a chance, this wasn't about doing a good job.
Mark Jackson: I kind of get that impression. Why wouldn't you just not show up at the event though?
Alex Richards: For the same reason you never had a chance Mark. You never had a chance during this interview because Jack is Pantheon. Even a prospect who never made it as a full member I won't forget about. So do you think for one second, I would forget the Beach Krew were responsible for the death of the Scarecrow, for the injury of Jeff Purse, for the departure of Jay Omega, for the firing of Corey Black. I don't want to see BeachMania fail on it's own, I want to be the reason behind it! I want them to know what fucking with Pantheon is truly like. If this was another date, I would be there to do it myself. But I don't want the Beach Krew to think for even a second I have forgotten about them, forgotten about what they did. Even if I\m not there they are going to know I was responsible for ruining their first attempt at running a show. Making them more of a joke as leaders then they already are.
Mark Jackson: Yeah, I probably shouldn't be listening to this. This could get me into legal trouble. I bid you farewell Alex.
Mark quickly takes off as Jack looks at him grinning.
Jack Page: So how badly do you want me to fuck things up?
Alex Richards: If they don't curse the name of Pantheon and of Alex Richards until their dying day. Which isn't going to be very long you didn't go far enough.
Jack Page: You picked the right man for the fucking job Alex.
Jack and Alex shake hands as Jack gets up probably ready to get to work. Alex sits at the table watching him leave, considering his next move.
Scene 2
The Strange Rover pulls up outside of the Yung Tiger Eatery as Alex approaches. The tined window rolls down revealing Shaun Zach Richards inside.
SZR: How was lunch?
Alex Richards: Very productive.
SZR: That means you cleaned out the buffet... again?
Alex Richards: No it doesn't! Okay yes I did. But that was their fault for not stocking properly. But that wasn't why it was productive. I accomplished one of my goals for the week. I set things up for what I want to happen at BeachMania. Now it's time to move on to what needs to happen at XIII. This is Corey Black's show and I want to make sure things run smoothly.
SZR: How are you going to do that?
Alex Richards: Don't worry Zach, I have big plans. I didn't claim I was going to take on more of a leadership role for no reason. I did it because I not only want vengeance on the Beach Krew but have the abilities to do so! Sure, I'm a fun loving guy most of the time but I'm going to use that to my advantage. How many people would think to sic the janitorial staff on the Beach Krew's show to destroy it that way. I mean they just went the predictable way to try and destroy XIII and see how that works. XIII is still happening! I think outside the box, I do things differently. And the Beach Krew is soon to regret messing with Pantheon because of it.
And with that Alex opens the passenger side door and hops inside.
SZR: Alright, what's the plan Alex?
Alex Richards: We're going to drive to Minnesota and along the way we'll give my opponent at XIII Jackson “The Fenix” White exactly what he deserves.
SZR: That sounds good but how are I supposed to drive and shoot video at the same time?
Alex Richards: Easy, use the autopilot.
SZR: First off, this isn't a place. Secondly since you created the autopilot it is undoubtedly not safe.
Alex looks defensive.
Alex Richards: I created lots of things that are perfectly safe. For example the folding bed.
SZR: Umm.. your folding bed crushed however happened to be sleeping in it every hour on the hour.
Alex Richards: Yeah but no one would die from smoking in bed.
SZR: But they might from broken ribs.
Alex Richards: Ehh.. if you never broke a rib you just haven't lived.
SZR: I think I've rather not live then. So should I pull over?
Alex looks sullen as he admits.
Alex Richards: Nicola Tesla created the autopilot. It works better than anyone could imagine.
SZR: Okay, now I trust it.
Shaun enables the autopilot, gets out his trusty camera and turns it towards Alex who spouts the following.
Alex Richards: So... this is Pantheon's show..Corey Black's show... so I'm going to do this interview in true Corey Black fashion. So.. Jackson White, I just have one question for you. Are you gonna suck my dick or what?
Alex crosses his arms obviously satisfied. Shaun doesn't seem near as content.
SZR: Really? All that production for that?
Alex goes into the back of the Strange Rover and grabs himself a Zima and a bottle of Tequila. He mixes himself his trademark drink, the Zim-Quila in his favorite drinking device in this case is a purple Pantheon colored drinking boot. He finishes off the boot of booze. Then makes himself a second one.
SZR: That really was it isn't it?
Alex Richards: Might as well be. I mean Jackson White knew he couldn't win the internet title at War so he gave up. He never beat me a single time so obviously he knows he's not winning this week either. I mean if this guy has any heart why would he have folded the second he saw me in War. He knew that he gave his best against me for the internet title and it wasn't nearly good enough. But instead of digging down deeper the next time he faced me he just gave up. Do I really need more then a few sentences to beat that guy? I don't think so.
SZR: You already said more than a few sentences though.
Alex Richards: Then what's a few more I guess. Jackson White billed himself as the best wrestler never to win a title. Ever think of why you never won a title? I mean Cheetah Fighter won a title, Serbia won a title, Ryan Rhodes won a title. Who are these people? They are all people who wanted to win a championship more than The Fenix is the obvious answer. I didn't quit until they at least captured a championship. Jackson White quits over and over again. I used to respect Jackson for the effort he appeared to give. But then I realized the most effort Jackson White really put forth was in convincing people he was trying really hard. Because every time he got a major title match did he did down deep and score the victory. No, he lost, then said, I'll get them next time.
Alex gives a shrug then takes another haul of his drink.
Alex Richards: I figure if I piss you off enough you might actually get motivated for a change.
I mean you quit The Dark Riders Gang, then apparently didn't even care enough to go after them. That's pretty unmotivated to me. I mean if you hate your supposed friends enough to turn on them but yet don't do anything to actually go against him. Perhaps You need to change your nickname to The Sloth Jackson White. Big Lazy Jackson White? I mean c'mon, I'm putting more time into coming up with new nicknames for you then you probably spent training for this comeback match!
SZR: Big Lazy is a pretty lazy nickname.
Alex Richards: You say that as if he deserves better. Serbia Smith is not a legend. But for two weeks she was the best television champion in the company. Jackson has never been the best at anything. That's why I'm going so hard at him! This is supposed to be some sort of a grudge match for Jackson White. I ended his dreams of winning the internet champion and to be honest it wasn't even close. I eliminated him from War, sent him packing from the WCF and ended his dreams of winning the world title. And it didn't take me more than a minute to beat him. But I don't think it is. Because in spite of all of this, you still can't get truly motivated. What do I have to do exactly?
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: To be honest I don't care either way. Jackson, you came back for XIII.. for one match. Act like this means something to you. Because I assure you, this means something to me. XIII is the Pantheon show and I have been given the honor of starting the show off. I intend on starting the show off right. Whether that means we compete in a hard fought match that I eventually take home the win in. Or a one sided massacre in which I destroy you in under 5 minutes is up to you. The fact is, I am going to bring everything I have.. I am going to make sure this is your final comeback Jackson.
SZR: Wait, why do you want to end Jackson White's career.
Alex Richards: Think about it Zach. Jackson White has never accomplished anything on his own. He has never earned anything on his own in the wrestling world. Everything he faced me he always talks about how I'm weak because I love booze and pills without ever thinking of why I use booze and pills. Overly judgmental, under talented, not particularly creative. Where do you think Jackson White is going to land if he ends up back in the WCF full time. There is only one place that people who need strength in numbers go. Where it doesn't matter if you can accomplish anything because they always take the easy way out. If Jackson White returns to the WCF you know he's joining the Beach Krew. Probably as the Seanix Jackson White or something just as idiotic.
SZR: Actually that's pretty good.
Alex Richards: Yeah I'm even better at Sea puns then they are. And that's the only thing they are actually good at. And don't think they wouldn't want Jackson White as a member either. I mean they accepted Andre Aquaduct, see that name is better too!, and Sandy Hasnutz as members and they offer absolutely nothing. Jackson White can offer nothing! I mean he has his whole career. Which means he has nothing to lose by joining the Beach Krew. The man failed four different times to win MY internet title. And that's his career highlight! He doesn't even improve, he doesn't ever work harder, he simply exists. Anyone else remember his match against Jay Omega and Jeff Purse. He teamed with the Ultimate Destroyer and he just gave up. He barely tried. He looked at his partner and said this guy sucked why should I bother. Then he didn't bother. Things like this are why I can't respect Jackson. If it was me I would have laid out Destroyer before the match started so he couldn't screw things up for me then went after both of them. Maybe I wouldn't have won. Probably I wouldn't have won. But both of them would know they had been in a real fight. Jackson, he knew his partner was going to get pinned so he could blame him. That's all he cared about. This is the type of guy an easy opportunity to join the Beach Krew is tempting to. Someone who doesn't want to work and just want strength in numbers, just wants the authority on his side. This week I'm going to show Jackson why he doesn't want to be foolish enough to join The Beach Krew. Or maybe he's not even good enough to join the Beach Krew. I mean there's a chance he never thought of joining the Beach Krew because he doesn't even realize how screwed he is, how flawed he is. In that chance this is gonna be a shame. He's going to take a tremendous, statement making beating for absolutely nothing. As the old saying goes the phoenix always rises. But this.. Fenix he hardly ever rises if at all. No, this fenix is no threat to rise again because he has never risen to the occasion in the first place.
Alex finishes his drink but his mood remains sour and angry.
Alex Richards: That's what I'm really bringing to the opening match. I am going to destroy Jackson White. I am going to destroy the Fenix just because there is a chance he might join The Beach Krew someday. Watch what I do to Jackson. I'm doing this because he might... might join the Beach Krew. And then think what I am going to do when I face ACTUAL members of the Beach Krew. Jackson, you are going to be my statement this week. Finally you will be remembered for something besides giving a poor effort. Week in and week out you tried to convince people you were giving your best possible effort. This week you had better give your best effort. Because if you don't... well I can't be held responsible for what might happen to you.
And with that rant over Alex relaxes and pours himself another drink. Shaun sets down the camera and takes over driving because he really does prefer to drive regardless of any objections he might make. He does however forget to turn the camera off. Most of what it picked up is banal and meaningless. Want to hear Alex sing along with the radio? Well obviously you guys don't since Alex did that for his people's title defense and you guys voted against him. There is however one more thing you might want to remember. Alex pulls out his 80s style Paul E Dangerously memorial cell phone and begins to look through his contact numbers.
SZR: What are you doing Alex?
Alex Richards: Another part of the plan Zach, just another part of the plan.
Alex dial a number then frowns.
Alex Richards: No service? You don't discourage the strange God of the Internet that easily.
Alex pulls out his lap top from under the plush leather seat in the Strange Rover and does a little research. Satisfied Alex adds the new number to his phone then makes a strange call.
Alex Richards: Why hello ma'am! Can I speak to the adult of the house?
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: What do you mean that's not funny. Do you not like being called ma'am or being called an adult.
Alex listens to the person's response.
Alex Richards: Well that's just mean. Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Alex chuckles again.
Alex Richards: Yeah, I deserved that. So someone told me I needed to talk to you.
SZR: Who are you talking to anyways?
Alex Richards: I mean I know you. I know there's a reason I haven't seen you around.
Alex looks distressed.
Alex Richards: This doesn't sound like something we should talk about over the phone. I'm going to be in The Myth in Minnesota on Friday. Yep, exactly for XIII. We should meet up and talk. I'm worried about you.
Alex does indeed look worried, then he relaxes.
Alex Richards: Great! Can't wait. See you then.
Alex looks over towards Shaun who is fiddling with his camera obviously trying to hide the fact he was eavesdropping. Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Great news Zach! He's going to be there at XIII!
SZR: Who is going to be there?
Alex grins a devilish grin.
Alex Richards: And spoil the surprise? I think not! But once again that's the difference between me, and Jackson White, and the Beach Krew. If my friends are having issues I try and help them through it. And hope I don't screw things up worse. Jackson White had problems with the DRG and he just left them without warning. The Beach Krew kicked out that Hunter dude without a second thought after he lost to Waylon Cash. That loyalty, that's the difference between Pantheon and the other groups. As long as you're loyal to us, we'll fight for you. Jackson White, he stands for nothing, he fights for nothing, so because of this he will accomplish nothing. This is Pantheon's show, Corey Black's show, I said it before because this is that important to me! I will not fail him. And Jackson White, he does not have near enough skills to make me break this vow. Jackson, you might as well go to BeachMania and volunteer your services as a janitor. Because that's the easiest and only way you can impress them. Because if you fight me everyone will remember what a fraud you were the last time you were in the WCF and how are you still just as big a fraud. I challenge you to fight me, I challenge you to fight me at your best. But I know you won't. I know you will simply show up, lose, then vow someday you'll win a title. You have no heart, you have no chance Jackson. When this match is over you will know what everyone else already knows. Jackson, I had a plan and executed it. I did something to sabatage The Beach Krew, I reconnected with an old friend and ally. When I say I have plans I really do. When you say you are going to do something no one ever expects it to happen anymore. Because you are all talk, and never any action. These things make it clear at XIII, in the first contest of the evening, Confusion will always reign! Now Zach how about we stop for a bite to eat.
SZR: That depends if I can choose the place.
Alex Richards: Sure, I'm a good mood now. Everything is starting to fall into place.
Shaun laughs and pulls the Strange Rover over.. right into Alfalfa's Spouts and Stuff. Alex groans.
Alex Richards: Health food? Really?
SZR: Got ya.
Alex grins ruefully.
Alex Richards: Guess that proves you're a better man than Jackson White. Every time we ever fought he never got one over on me. Now let's eat.. if there's anything in there worth eating. Vegan Hot Dogs are just like real hot dogs right?
Shaun laughs, knowing he's going to enjoy this as the brothers depart Alex's truck and the scene
Fades To Black
Alex Richards: I'm telling you man. Take some of those deep fried chicken wings, load Beef and broccoli on top of it, then dump about a half pound of sweet and sour sauce, then garnish with chow Mein noodles. I'm telling you.. it'll change your life.
The man appears to be getting queasy at the mere moment of that. But he politely responds.
Man: I'm going to have to decline Mister Richards.
Alex Richards: Suit yourself, I'm telling you you're making a mistake though. But don't call me Mister Richards, call me Alex.. or the Archduke or The God of the Internet or Chuckie or Uncle Fester, or..
Man: Chuckie?
Alex Richards: Why not. But don't call me Mister Richards. This is not a formal meeting.
Man: Speaking of meetings. You told me there was another candidate. But he is already 15 minutes late.
Alex Richards: Don't worry, I've already made a note about that. We're gonna do this by the book. Make sure the best person for the job gets hired. Speaking of which.. did you bring the cats?
Man: OH my god, I thought that was a sick joke. You mean..
Alex Richards: They said we could eat for free if we each brought a couple of cats. I never joke about free food man!
The salt and pepper haired gentleman looks at the food on his plate, and instantly turns green and rushes for the bathroom. While he is gone Alex lights up a cigar and finishes his plate of food, shaking his head. AS the man returns still looking more than a little grossed out the second man finally shows up, wearing a battered Metallica shirt, rumpled jeans, probably the same clothes he wore yesterday former Pantheon Cut competitor Jack Page walks in holding a mewing canvas sack. The older gentleman looks absolutely disgusted as Jack slaps down the sack full of cat on the table.
Jack Page: Alright, we are gonna deep fry these fuckers or what?
Alex Richards: What is wrong with you guys? Ju Chang has been having a problem with mice at her house. So I promised her some cats. People don't like giving cats to people who own Chinese restaurants for some reason.
Salt and Pepper Man: So you don't eat cat?
Alex Richards: Of course not! What's wrong with you? Besides why are people judging me? You have seen what Oblivion eats haven't you?
Alex picks up the bag and walks over towards the older Asian lady at the front door who takes the bag and gives Alex a hug. Alex satisfied returns to the table.
Alex Richards: Alright, now let's get down to business. You both responded to my ad on LinkedIn.com. As the greatest internet champion of all time I can do almost anything on the internet including job postings. While the only thing Zombie McMorris can do on the internet is troll. You were the first two to reply to my ad for janitorial work on Friday November 13th. Tell me a little about yourself and why are you interested in this position.
Salt and Pepper Man: My name is Mark Jackson. I am 57 years old and recently retired. I am from Fayetteville, North Carolina and have spend almost 40 years working as a janitor or a sanitation technician in various hotels and schools. I am especially proud of my time serving the students of Troy Middle School, Cleveland Middle School, and East Montgomery High School.
Alex Richards: Well that's a benefit Mark. Because of you're hired you certainly will be working with children. How about you Jack?
Jack Page: I need a job because YOU FUCKING FIRED ME!
Alex Richards: Wait a second! How is it my fault you lost the Cut? Maybe if you didn't constantly try to out drink me you would have done better in some of those competitions.
Mark Jackson: I would never have that problem because I do not drink.
Jack Page: Shut up nerd before I stick a broomstick up your ass!
Mark Jackson: Are you threatening me? What kind of an interview is this?
Alex Richards: He doesn't even have a broom.
Jack Page: I know how to use one though.
Mark Jackson: I severely doubt you can operate even a push broom. How quickly can you sweep a hallway? Can you sweep an entire floor of a 7 story school building before class ends and the students enter the hallway? I think not!
Jack Page: That's not how I use a push broom.
Alex Richards: What experience as a janitor do you actually have Jack?
Jack Page: I worked as a janitor in prison for 5 weeks. Until I was unfairly fired.
Mark Jackson: Unfairly fired? I doubt that!
Jack Page: They send me back to the laundry after they said I used a toilet brush to make a shank. It barely broke the skin!
Alex Richards: So it's obvious Mark is the more experienced janitor.
Mark Jackson: Thank you sir.
Jack Page: Kiss ass.
Alex Richards: But I think we need to discuss how you guys might do the actual job tasks. After all you will be replacing me for a major event, the first ever BeachMania show. I want to make sure my interests are properly represented. At BeachMania there will be plenty of blood and tears. Likely in the Beach Krew locker because of all the sodomy. This is gonna require some mopping. So how do you mop?
Mark Jackson: This is a very good question. First you must consider the surface. If it's is carpeted, you do not mop you can however use a steam cleaner. If it is a hardwood floor you need a specialized solution. I prefer Murphy's oil soap. However I did my research and learned that BeachMania is a wrestling event which means it will likely have cement floors. So in this case I would recommend a vinegar and hot water solution. A through scrubbing followed up with a dry mop to pretend potential slip and hall injuries would likely be best.
Alex nods and writes something down in his notebook then turns to Jack.
Alex Richards: And how would you handle mopping?
Jack Page: Put some shit in the mop bucket then kick it over. Water goes everywhere, shit is clean.
Mark Jackson: You mean some sort of cleaning solution surely, not actual facial matter?
Jack Page: Whatever if you want to be fancy. But it's a Bitch Krew show so who gives a fuck?
Mark Jackson: You seriously expect to get a job by insulting your potential employers? How many jobs have you had?
Jack Page: Lots of them. I've been a mugger, a bank robber, lump up man, hired goon, hired thug, freelance thug, thug for hire, thug for pleasure..
Mark Jackson: You certainly are a thug.
Jack Page: I knew you would be kissing my ass too eventually.
Alex Richards: We're going to let Jack go first on this next question because it's only fair. So Jack how would you clean a bathroom?
Jack Page: If someone puked it in I grab em by the hair and rub their face in it until the puke is gone. Same for someone shitting or pissing somewhere. Otherwise than that, spray some air freshener and you're fine. I mean it's not like it's a big deal or something.
Mark Jackson: Are you serious? Haven't you ever heard of bacteria? E Coli? Do you not know how dangerous this is? Do I even need an answer besides I would actually clean it?
Alex Richards: No, you do not.
Mark looks smug.
Mark Jackson: I didn't think so.
Alex Richards: I only have one final question. The people in charge of this show are spoiled, rich kids and thus very likely to complain. How would you deal with difficult employers?
Mark Jackson: I'll field this first. I am quite sick of my fellow candidates answers. If he lost this Cut thing in the past at least he will be used to losing. I have never had a complain over how I worked. I always do a though and complete job. But I consider myself a profession so if my employees had a problem I would swiftly respond and make things right. I pride myself in being able to work for and with anyone so I don't fore see any difficulties. I can assure you Alex, you will receive no negative feedback from my work.
Jack Page: Ever get kicked in the nuts? Complain about what I'm doing you'll get kicked in the nuts. I'll probably also attack you with whatever I was working with. So I might stick your head in the toilet, I might beat you down with a vacuum cleaner, maybe spray you in the face with some cleaner. Lots of bitches bitch about me. But none of them do it twice.
Alex looks at the notes he has been taking, clearly reviewing the facts which obviously confuses Mark because his fellow candidate has no actual skills to speak of.
Alex Richards: It's obvious Mark is the better janitor. I don't know if Jack has ever actually cleaned anything.
Jack Page: I'll clean your clock in 5 minutes.
Alex Richards: Furthermore he's obviously delusional if he thinks he can do that.
Jack simply flips Alex off in response.
Alex Richards: The choice has been clear since the moment we started this interview. Sorry Mark, I have to offer Jack this position.
Mark Jackson: You can't be serious! This man can not do a good job! This man will ruin the show most likely!
Alex Richards: Good points. But that is exactly why I want him to replace me! The Beach Krew were stupid enough to assign me as a janitor to their scheduled show. How I wish their scheduled show was on Thursday the 12th or Saturday the 14th because I would love to be there as a janitor. With the goal to make their lives as miserable as possible! To mess with them as much as I possibly could! Since the Beach Krew were stupid enough to give me an opening, to invite me to their show. I want to make their decision look as foolish, as stupid as possible! You don't take out a member of Pantheon, let alone three without paying the ultimate price! If not for XIII I would be here with the goal of doing something that single handedly canceled BeachMania. That proved once and for all their entire reign on top of the WCF is a farce! I'm sorry Mark, you never really had a chance, this wasn't about doing a good job.
Mark Jackson: I kind of get that impression. Why wouldn't you just not show up at the event though?
Alex Richards: For the same reason you never had a chance Mark. You never had a chance during this interview because Jack is Pantheon. Even a prospect who never made it as a full member I won't forget about. So do you think for one second, I would forget the Beach Krew were responsible for the death of the Scarecrow, for the injury of Jeff Purse, for the departure of Jay Omega, for the firing of Corey Black. I don't want to see BeachMania fail on it's own, I want to be the reason behind it! I want them to know what fucking with Pantheon is truly like. If this was another date, I would be there to do it myself. But I don't want the Beach Krew to think for even a second I have forgotten about them, forgotten about what they did. Even if I\m not there they are going to know I was responsible for ruining their first attempt at running a show. Making them more of a joke as leaders then they already are.
Mark Jackson: Yeah, I probably shouldn't be listening to this. This could get me into legal trouble. I bid you farewell Alex.
Mark quickly takes off as Jack looks at him grinning.
Jack Page: So how badly do you want me to fuck things up?
Alex Richards: If they don't curse the name of Pantheon and of Alex Richards until their dying day. Which isn't going to be very long you didn't go far enough.
Jack Page: You picked the right man for the fucking job Alex.
Jack and Alex shake hands as Jack gets up probably ready to get to work. Alex sits at the table watching him leave, considering his next move.
Scene 2
The Strange Rover pulls up outside of the Yung Tiger Eatery as Alex approaches. The tined window rolls down revealing Shaun Zach Richards inside.
SZR: How was lunch?
Alex Richards: Very productive.
SZR: That means you cleaned out the buffet... again?
Alex Richards: No it doesn't! Okay yes I did. But that was their fault for not stocking properly. But that wasn't why it was productive. I accomplished one of my goals for the week. I set things up for what I want to happen at BeachMania. Now it's time to move on to what needs to happen at XIII. This is Corey Black's show and I want to make sure things run smoothly.
SZR: How are you going to do that?
Alex Richards: Don't worry Zach, I have big plans. I didn't claim I was going to take on more of a leadership role for no reason. I did it because I not only want vengeance on the Beach Krew but have the abilities to do so! Sure, I'm a fun loving guy most of the time but I'm going to use that to my advantage. How many people would think to sic the janitorial staff on the Beach Krew's show to destroy it that way. I mean they just went the predictable way to try and destroy XIII and see how that works. XIII is still happening! I think outside the box, I do things differently. And the Beach Krew is soon to regret messing with Pantheon because of it.
And with that Alex opens the passenger side door and hops inside.
SZR: Alright, what's the plan Alex?
Alex Richards: We're going to drive to Minnesota and along the way we'll give my opponent at XIII Jackson “The Fenix” White exactly what he deserves.
SZR: That sounds good but how are I supposed to drive and shoot video at the same time?
Alex Richards: Easy, use the autopilot.
SZR: First off, this isn't a place. Secondly since you created the autopilot it is undoubtedly not safe.
Alex looks defensive.
Alex Richards: I created lots of things that are perfectly safe. For example the folding bed.
SZR: Umm.. your folding bed crushed however happened to be sleeping in it every hour on the hour.
Alex Richards: Yeah but no one would die from smoking in bed.
SZR: But they might from broken ribs.
Alex Richards: Ehh.. if you never broke a rib you just haven't lived.
SZR: I think I've rather not live then. So should I pull over?
Alex looks sullen as he admits.
Alex Richards: Nicola Tesla created the autopilot. It works better than anyone could imagine.
SZR: Okay, now I trust it.
Shaun enables the autopilot, gets out his trusty camera and turns it towards Alex who spouts the following.
Alex Richards: So... this is Pantheon's show..Corey Black's show... so I'm going to do this interview in true Corey Black fashion. So.. Jackson White, I just have one question for you. Are you gonna suck my dick or what?
Alex crosses his arms obviously satisfied. Shaun doesn't seem near as content.
SZR: Really? All that production for that?
Alex goes into the back of the Strange Rover and grabs himself a Zima and a bottle of Tequila. He mixes himself his trademark drink, the Zim-Quila in his favorite drinking device in this case is a purple Pantheon colored drinking boot. He finishes off the boot of booze. Then makes himself a second one.
SZR: That really was it isn't it?
Alex Richards: Might as well be. I mean Jackson White knew he couldn't win the internet title at War so he gave up. He never beat me a single time so obviously he knows he's not winning this week either. I mean if this guy has any heart why would he have folded the second he saw me in War. He knew that he gave his best against me for the internet title and it wasn't nearly good enough. But instead of digging down deeper the next time he faced me he just gave up. Do I really need more then a few sentences to beat that guy? I don't think so.
SZR: You already said more than a few sentences though.
Alex Richards: Then what's a few more I guess. Jackson White billed himself as the best wrestler never to win a title. Ever think of why you never won a title? I mean Cheetah Fighter won a title, Serbia won a title, Ryan Rhodes won a title. Who are these people? They are all people who wanted to win a championship more than The Fenix is the obvious answer. I didn't quit until they at least captured a championship. Jackson White quits over and over again. I used to respect Jackson for the effort he appeared to give. But then I realized the most effort Jackson White really put forth was in convincing people he was trying really hard. Because every time he got a major title match did he did down deep and score the victory. No, he lost, then said, I'll get them next time.
Alex gives a shrug then takes another haul of his drink.
Alex Richards: I figure if I piss you off enough you might actually get motivated for a change.
I mean you quit The Dark Riders Gang, then apparently didn't even care enough to go after them. That's pretty unmotivated to me. I mean if you hate your supposed friends enough to turn on them but yet don't do anything to actually go against him. Perhaps You need to change your nickname to The Sloth Jackson White. Big Lazy Jackson White? I mean c'mon, I'm putting more time into coming up with new nicknames for you then you probably spent training for this comeback match!
SZR: Big Lazy is a pretty lazy nickname.
Alex Richards: You say that as if he deserves better. Serbia Smith is not a legend. But for two weeks she was the best television champion in the company. Jackson has never been the best at anything. That's why I'm going so hard at him! This is supposed to be some sort of a grudge match for Jackson White. I ended his dreams of winning the internet champion and to be honest it wasn't even close. I eliminated him from War, sent him packing from the WCF and ended his dreams of winning the world title. And it didn't take me more than a minute to beat him. But I don't think it is. Because in spite of all of this, you still can't get truly motivated. What do I have to do exactly?
Alex snorts.
Alex Richards: To be honest I don't care either way. Jackson, you came back for XIII.. for one match. Act like this means something to you. Because I assure you, this means something to me. XIII is the Pantheon show and I have been given the honor of starting the show off. I intend on starting the show off right. Whether that means we compete in a hard fought match that I eventually take home the win in. Or a one sided massacre in which I destroy you in under 5 minutes is up to you. The fact is, I am going to bring everything I have.. I am going to make sure this is your final comeback Jackson.
SZR: Wait, why do you want to end Jackson White's career.
Alex Richards: Think about it Zach. Jackson White has never accomplished anything on his own. He has never earned anything on his own in the wrestling world. Everything he faced me he always talks about how I'm weak because I love booze and pills without ever thinking of why I use booze and pills. Overly judgmental, under talented, not particularly creative. Where do you think Jackson White is going to land if he ends up back in the WCF full time. There is only one place that people who need strength in numbers go. Where it doesn't matter if you can accomplish anything because they always take the easy way out. If Jackson White returns to the WCF you know he's joining the Beach Krew. Probably as the Seanix Jackson White or something just as idiotic.
SZR: Actually that's pretty good.
Alex Richards: Yeah I'm even better at Sea puns then they are. And that's the only thing they are actually good at. And don't think they wouldn't want Jackson White as a member either. I mean they accepted Andre Aquaduct, see that name is better too!, and Sandy Hasnutz as members and they offer absolutely nothing. Jackson White can offer nothing! I mean he has his whole career. Which means he has nothing to lose by joining the Beach Krew. The man failed four different times to win MY internet title. And that's his career highlight! He doesn't even improve, he doesn't ever work harder, he simply exists. Anyone else remember his match against Jay Omega and Jeff Purse. He teamed with the Ultimate Destroyer and he just gave up. He barely tried. He looked at his partner and said this guy sucked why should I bother. Then he didn't bother. Things like this are why I can't respect Jackson. If it was me I would have laid out Destroyer before the match started so he couldn't screw things up for me then went after both of them. Maybe I wouldn't have won. Probably I wouldn't have won. But both of them would know they had been in a real fight. Jackson, he knew his partner was going to get pinned so he could blame him. That's all he cared about. This is the type of guy an easy opportunity to join the Beach Krew is tempting to. Someone who doesn't want to work and just want strength in numbers, just wants the authority on his side. This week I'm going to show Jackson why he doesn't want to be foolish enough to join The Beach Krew. Or maybe he's not even good enough to join the Beach Krew. I mean there's a chance he never thought of joining the Beach Krew because he doesn't even realize how screwed he is, how flawed he is. In that chance this is gonna be a shame. He's going to take a tremendous, statement making beating for absolutely nothing. As the old saying goes the phoenix always rises. But this.. Fenix he hardly ever rises if at all. No, this fenix is no threat to rise again because he has never risen to the occasion in the first place.
Alex finishes his drink but his mood remains sour and angry.
Alex Richards: That's what I'm really bringing to the opening match. I am going to destroy Jackson White. I am going to destroy the Fenix just because there is a chance he might join The Beach Krew someday. Watch what I do to Jackson. I'm doing this because he might... might join the Beach Krew. And then think what I am going to do when I face ACTUAL members of the Beach Krew. Jackson, you are going to be my statement this week. Finally you will be remembered for something besides giving a poor effort. Week in and week out you tried to convince people you were giving your best possible effort. This week you had better give your best effort. Because if you don't... well I can't be held responsible for what might happen to you.
And with that rant over Alex relaxes and pours himself another drink. Shaun sets down the camera and takes over driving because he really does prefer to drive regardless of any objections he might make. He does however forget to turn the camera off. Most of what it picked up is banal and meaningless. Want to hear Alex sing along with the radio? Well obviously you guys don't since Alex did that for his people's title defense and you guys voted against him. There is however one more thing you might want to remember. Alex pulls out his 80s style Paul E Dangerously memorial cell phone and begins to look through his contact numbers.
SZR: What are you doing Alex?
Alex Richards: Another part of the plan Zach, just another part of the plan.
Alex dial a number then frowns.
Alex Richards: No service? You don't discourage the strange God of the Internet that easily.
Alex pulls out his lap top from under the plush leather seat in the Strange Rover and does a little research. Satisfied Alex adds the new number to his phone then makes a strange call.
Alex Richards: Why hello ma'am! Can I speak to the adult of the house?
Alex chuckles.
Alex Richards: What do you mean that's not funny. Do you not like being called ma'am or being called an adult.
Alex listens to the person's response.
Alex Richards: Well that's just mean. Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Alex chuckles again.
Alex Richards: Yeah, I deserved that. So someone told me I needed to talk to you.
SZR: Who are you talking to anyways?
Alex Richards: I mean I know you. I know there's a reason I haven't seen you around.
Alex looks distressed.
Alex Richards: This doesn't sound like something we should talk about over the phone. I'm going to be in The Myth in Minnesota on Friday. Yep, exactly for XIII. We should meet up and talk. I'm worried about you.
Alex does indeed look worried, then he relaxes.
Alex Richards: Great! Can't wait. See you then.
Alex looks over towards Shaun who is fiddling with his camera obviously trying to hide the fact he was eavesdropping. Alex grins.
Alex Richards: Great news Zach! He's going to be there at XIII!
SZR: Who is going to be there?
Alex grins a devilish grin.
Alex Richards: And spoil the surprise? I think not! But once again that's the difference between me, and Jackson White, and the Beach Krew. If my friends are having issues I try and help them through it. And hope I don't screw things up worse. Jackson White had problems with the DRG and he just left them without warning. The Beach Krew kicked out that Hunter dude without a second thought after he lost to Waylon Cash. That loyalty, that's the difference between Pantheon and the other groups. As long as you're loyal to us, we'll fight for you. Jackson White, he stands for nothing, he fights for nothing, so because of this he will accomplish nothing. This is Pantheon's show, Corey Black's show, I said it before because this is that important to me! I will not fail him. And Jackson White, he does not have near enough skills to make me break this vow. Jackson, you might as well go to BeachMania and volunteer your services as a janitor. Because that's the easiest and only way you can impress them. Because if you fight me everyone will remember what a fraud you were the last time you were in the WCF and how are you still just as big a fraud. I challenge you to fight me, I challenge you to fight me at your best. But I know you won't. I know you will simply show up, lose, then vow someday you'll win a title. You have no heart, you have no chance Jackson. When this match is over you will know what everyone else already knows. Jackson, I had a plan and executed it. I did something to sabatage The Beach Krew, I reconnected with an old friend and ally. When I say I have plans I really do. When you say you are going to do something no one ever expects it to happen anymore. Because you are all talk, and never any action. These things make it clear at XIII, in the first contest of the evening, Confusion will always reign! Now Zach how about we stop for a bite to eat.
SZR: That depends if I can choose the place.
Alex Richards: Sure, I'm a good mood now. Everything is starting to fall into place.
Shaun laughs and pulls the Strange Rover over.. right into Alfalfa's Spouts and Stuff. Alex groans.
Alex Richards: Health food? Really?
SZR: Got ya.
Alex grins ruefully.
Alex Richards: Guess that proves you're a better man than Jackson White. Every time we ever fought he never got one over on me. Now let's eat.. if there's anything in there worth eating. Vegan Hot Dogs are just like real hot dogs right?
Shaun laughs, knowing he's going to enjoy this as the brothers depart Alex's truck and the scene
Fades To Black
