Alex Slides Into The Tweet Spot Of War (Bad Puns Included)
Oct 4, 2015 14:00:57 GMT -5
6ix God likes this
Post by Alex Richards on Oct 4, 2015 14:00:57 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER! THIS IS A DISCLAIMER!
Alex Richards: Are you sure we have to do a disclaimer?
SZR: After what you said. Yes, yes we do.
Alex Richards: Alright fine. The following scene which takes place on twitter has people claiming to be fellow wrestlers, fans of fellow wrestlers, family of fellow wrestlers, etc etc.. They are not... probably, instead they are likely trolls, fans with poor taste in wrestlers, bored people, drunk people, people I want to party with, high people, spam bots, basically everything except what they claim to be... maybe. So now I do I not get sued?
SZR: You probably still get sued, you do a lot of stupid things. But not over this.
Alex Richards: Sweet! Well crack open a beer or twelve, watch and enjoy folks.
Narrator: (SZR) Alex picks some strange spots to host his segments from from time to time. In fact you might say it's kind of his trademark. Or at least one of them. Another hallmark is hanging out at shabby looking establishments. Another involves getting ridiculously drunk and buzzed on pills. This is what we call foreshadowing. Surprising, at least to me, Alex summoned me early in the morning today. We headed out in the Strange Rover to a place in Tulsa, Oklahoma called The Net Room. The place had obviously seen better days. The computers inside of it are at least several years old, the place is almost deserted, the carpet looks worn out and run down. Actually for a place Alex has chosen this isn't half bad. But still I turn to him and ask.
SZR: An internet cafe? Why are we in an internet cafe?
Alex Richards: Preparation for War of course.
SZR: How does hanging out in an internet cafe help you prepare for War exactly?
Alex Richards: Easy, people have been saying I was just the Internet Champion. That that was all that I was known for. That's all I'm good at. So on and so forth. Again and again.
SZR: So hanging out at an internet cafe, albeit an abandoned one is the way you think you'll discredit this?
Alex Richards: Fuck no Zach! I don't want to discredit it! People say I'm the greatest internet champion of all time? That's absolutely true! But does that mean I'm not a threat in War? That sounds misguided don't it? I mean how many people in this year's War can claim to be the best at anything? Jay Omega is the best of the hardcore division, Jeff Purse won a War so he can claim he was the best at War one year. What a shock besides members of Pantheon no one is the best at anything in the WCF.
SZR: How does being the best at the internet division help you though?
Alex Richards: I'm glad you asked Zach! As the god of the internet title I was practically unbeatable for that belt. So I'm going to treat War like a giant internet title match! I'm going to bring my strengths to this match! If I turn War into the world's largest internet title match it stands to reason I'll be practically unbeatable in War as well now don't it?
SZR: I guess that means sense. But how are you going to do that?
Alex Richards: That's easy! I'm going to use my preferred internet title medium, twitter, to give my thoughts on each and every one of my opponents! And for an added internet title feel I'm even going to do it live from an internet cafe!
SZR: These things are practically dead. Most people just use their smart phone.
Alex Richards: That doesn't give it the necessary personal touch Zach. It's all about the details. Plus these places sell coffee.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you.. drinking coffee.
Alex Richards: Of course it is.. I love a good coffee.
Alex looks at his extra large paper cup of coffee, then looks around. Seeing no one watching he reaches into his black doctor's bag and pulls out a black bottle quickly dumping some of the coffee into the trash can then refilling it with the mysterious liquid.
SZR: That seems more like you. What is that exactly anyways?
Alex Richards: Just a little Bail-Quila.
SZR: Bail-Quila?
Alex Richards: Baileys and Tequila mixed together. That name isn't gonna catch on though. Needs work. Much like a lot of the guys in War this year. They have some promise, but if you think about it just not good enough. Actually that's unfair to the booze, it's gonna get me drunk, err drunker, they are just gonna fill up space until I toss them en route to winning War.
SZR: Do you really need to add Tequila to Baileys? Isn't it already alcohol?
Alex Richards: Only 17%. That's not nearly enough! When I'm drinking, much like when I'm competing in War I go all out or not at all! Now that I've had my coffee I think it's time we get started.
SZR: How are you going to do this?
Alex Richards: I'm going to start with the people I didn't talk about last time, if they are even worth saying anything about, and tweet whatever comes to mind about them. Then move on to the next victim. There are 49 other competitors in War so this is gonna be more of a challenge than wrestling some of them. Although not as much of a challenge as listening to someone of them speak. Now while I'm tweeting, you know your job right Zach?
SZR: Refill your coffee?
Alex Richards: Then Russian it up!
SZR: Isn't the term Irish up your coffee?
Alex Richards: You have a lot to learn about drinking Zach. Nobody in the world drinks more than the Russians... except me! Now I don't say this as often as I should but due to the fact I always have a lot to say while I'm twittering I shall be using Twit longer.
Shaun sighs and walks off in search of another coffee seeing as Alex has already finished his first. Alex sits down at the desk, grins obviously relishing the chance to tweet again then begins...
@alexsplayground
torture
You're the biggest name I didn't talk about earlier this week. Did I drink too much that I forgot about you? No, I did it one hundred percent on purpose. You see Torture, you're washed up. Over the hill. Past your prime. Way way way past your prime. Some people are said to be past their prime because they attempted a comeback after retiring. This is not you. Some people are said to be past their prime because they are old as dirt. This is not you either. Well this is you but that's not why you're washed up. And make no mistake about it you are really really washed up. You are not just washed up you are so washed up hipsters cheer you ironically! How do I know this? Because you told me this though your actions. Last year you came back for War, and you finished 6th in the match. That sounds impressive, right? You couldn't be washed up at all, right? Except for the fact you spent literally the entire match running and hiding from the action. But that could have just been good game planning. Hell, I might even get drunk enough to believe that. I might even be drunk enough to believe that now. Except for the fact you came back during king of trios and following it you picked a fight with Hardcore Champion Marc Mayhem. The hardcore title was Mayhem's first title and you're a hall of famer. So he should have been easy pickings for you right? Except that when you finally fought the absolute only reason you won was because of Seth Lerch changing the rules before you were defeated. You know just like both of your king of trios matches. Where you were defeated. But then you had the title and you've held it for 4 months. Finally something impressive right? Wait you've held it for four months without a real title defense! You've faced people from the jobber roster, jobbers you bought in off the streets. So this is why I know you're a mere shell of your former self. Because you know it and have acted accordingly. No one has a bigger ego than Torture. He would have been out there week after week defending the title against everyone, rubbing everyone else's nose in how great he was. Except that, he's not that great anymore. And he knows it. That's why you don't face real competition! That's why you take shortcuts every single week! The reason I know you're not a threat is because your actions have shown me that. You against 50 other wrestlers at War. No contest.
Alex stop typing and hits send. Taking a haul on his loaded coffee as a blonde teenager looks at him and does a double take.
Blonde Kid: Holy shit! That's Alex Richards!
The blonde kid pulls out his cell phone and begins texting. As Alex casually turns to Shaun Zach who was playing solitaire at the computer beside him.
Alex Richards: You know, come to think of it, that was a little nice of me. I did hold back quite a bit. This is War after all..
Alex begins to type again.
@alexsplayground
torture
But you know there's another reason I didn't talk about you the first time. We all know you aren't actually going to show up to War. I fully expect you to rent a venue ten miles away, hold your own War, and compete against five complete and total no hopers than brag endlessly about how you won War. That is after all, the only way you win War. Because if you know if you did show up at War there is only one outcome. First me kicking your ass then @jayomega pinning your ass for the Hardcore title #Truth #DealWithIt Because while I'm going to take the War victory Jay thinks he's gonna get away from him no way I would get in between him and his Hardcore title. Sorry Torture, I got distracted talking about other , still relevant wrestlers on your twitter feed. #SickBurn See you at War.. maybe.
Alex grins and hits send. Probably planning out his next tweet. When suddenly..
@torturejobber
@alexsplayground
Dude! Shut up! You're ruining my gig! That's the first work I got in wrestling for years!
@alexsplayground
@torturejobber
Sorry dude. I mean you guys have my respect. If you can make Torture look as good as you did you guys have skills.
@torturejobber
@alexsplayground
Wasn't easy man. #TortureSucks And he's just as much of a dick in the locker room as is he in the ring. Why do you think none of us came back for a second match? No one wants to hang out with Torture twice. I'd rather be hit with his sloppy Torture's Device again. Which by the way he barely has the strength to do anymore.
Alex finally finishes his reply then turns to Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: I already talked about one legend in his own mind who can't actually win a legit match against anyone. It's natural who I talk about next.
Alex thinks for a second, then takes another drink for motivation.
Alex Richards: Actually that's kind of unfair.
@alexsplayground
@adamyoung
I was going to give you credit. Really I was. You beat Joey Flash. Zombie McMorris didn't beat Joey Flash. John Gable didn't beat Joey Flash. Gemini Battle didn't beat Joey Flash. But you, you Adam Young beat Joey Flash. Then you did absolutely nothing with it. Have you won a match since beating Joey Flash? That's not sarcasm that's a serious question. I have another serious question how does it feel knowing that in one year I have accomplished more in the WCF then you have in your entire career? Your whole stable once held a singles title. It took of you to win the television title. I won the Hardcore title competing against four people. Need I say more? I have been invited to join first The Pack and then Pantheon. The only way you get in a group is by forming it yourself because no one else wants you. I even recently saw you turn on your partner Austin Adams because he married your ex? Why would he team with you in the first place? He knows he's married to your ex. I guess that does answer the question what kind of a guy teams with AY. The answer a #CompleteAndTotalMoron Who thinks Adam Young is going to win War? #NotEvenACompleteAndTotalMoron You once eliminated Corey Black from War. There will be no new claim to fame for you this year.
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ!
Alex noticing the response grins. A second teen has shown up and snapped a picture of the massive wrestler. Alex however remains focused on his task.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
I always wondered. Why exactly do people chant for Adam Young anyways?
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
He pays us to.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
How much does he pay? I would imagine it would have to be a lot in order to lower yourself to cheering for that no talent.
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
He pays in Moonshine.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
In that case.. BTJ! BTJ! BTJ!
Alex sits back, relaxes and has himself another boozy coffee. He finishes it then looks annoyed.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
Where's my moonshine?
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
I've been waiting two and a half years.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
Are you serious? That welshing son of a bitch! I take my booze seriously! He's probably not actually planning on retiring either! Well I'll show him! I'll force him into retirement during War then raid his locker room and steal his personal supply of moonshine!
SZR: According to locker room buzz he actually wins so infrequently and makes so little money wrestling he now only drinks mouth wash to get a buzz.
Alex Richards: Well I'll steal that too. Just out of spite. And I'll drink it.. if you don't get me another coffee.
SZR: Fine, I can take a hint.
Two more people have walked into the internet cafe as Shaun heads off in the direction of the coffee bar and Alex returns to tweeting.
@alexsplayground
occulo
Why the fuck are you even here? I mean I can venture a guess. You entered War because Dune is busy defending the world title and Howard Black is injured right? So they couldn't get revenge on you for abandoning them right? A couple of shots from a non wrestler, John Mullins is enough to take you out of the WCF? I don't buy it. Either you're the type of guy who abandons their team because they don't have the skills to hack it around here or you're the type of guy who gets severely injured from a few shots to the midsection from a 2 by 4? So which is it? Are you a weak willed or just physically weak. Don't tell me. I know the answer. It's both right? I know you entered the WCF and went right after Joey Flash. And you lost time and time and time and time and time and time again. Then you gave up. Because of course you gave up. You quit on your stable, you quit against your rival. You're just a quitter Occulo. So now you're back in War. A match where the prize is a world title shot. I want it more than you. But that goes without saying. Someone like Biohazard wants it more than you. At least he's been here all year competing. You're a quitter Occulo, when things get tough for you in War, you'll fold. Just like you did on the Sentinels, just like you did against Flash, just like you did against Danny Anderson during your only title runs. Quitters don't win War Occulo. You didn't earn even a chance at main eventing One. But don't worry you'll get exactly what you earned. #Nothing #TheresAReasonIDidntTalkAboutYouTheFirstTime
Alex notices a slight cheer from the ever increasing crowd reading the tweets over his shoulder.
Alex Richards: Think this will generate a response?
Alex sips his coffee, waiting for a minute.
Alex Richards: I didn't think anyone still cared about Occulo. And he won't give them a reason to at War either. Time to move on like the fed has. I think that implies someone might have cared about you at one point though and that clearly isn't the case. So I guess I'll just dump you out and hope that's the end of you again. Okay this next guy really makes me mad.
@alexsplayground
@spenceradams
You know I was going to give you more attention. I was going to talk to you the first time, right off the hop and give the respect I thought you deserved for defeating me for the People's championship. Then you went and proved me wrong. You went and proved your victory over me for the People's title must have been a fluke. You did this by committing a crime against humanity. You took the title my friend and tag team partner The Scarecrow worked so hard to give meaning to and went and spit on all his hard work. You lost his championship. But everyone loses a title eventually. That would be forgivable. But you went and lost his championship to the worst possible person. A member of the #BitchKrew, the group that was involved in the murder of Scarecrow. Not only that, you lost the title to Kyle Kemp of all people. I'm sorry I can't take you seriously as a threat in War anymore. You lost to Kyle Kemp, the guy who thinks he's better than you in spite of the fact he's lost to you, me, and everyone else time after time after time. You let the People's title go to him somehow? How? Why? You have disgraced the memory of my friend Spencer Adams. That is not going to go unpunished. You weren't good enough to beat Kyle Kemp, you certainly aren't better than me. You certainly aren't good enough to win War. During your first title defense you couldn't find the antidote to choking, you won't have anymore luck in War. #Sorry #IamNotSorry
@darealspenceadumms
@alexsplayground
I want my mommy!
@alexsplayground
@darealspenceadumms
I want your mommy too! She's hot!
Alex suddenly stands up and shakes his head disgusted.
Alex Richards: I can't believe Spencer Adams has a thing for his own mother. Disgusting.
SZR: I'm pretty sure that isn't the real Spencer Adams.
Alex Richards: It makes perfect sense! I remember when I faced Spencer Adams for the People's Title and his mother offered me a night of pleasure if I threw the match to him! Spencer Adam defiled his own mother's honor in order to try and get a title! And he still couldn't beat Kyle Kemp? Don't worry Betty Adams, I'll regain your honor for you! I'll teach your son proper respect, both for the dead, and for his mother! Even if I have to beat it into him! Actually that's the only way I teach so I guess that's lucky for me, eh?
The small crowd now gathered around the computer station starts a Betty chant.
Alex Richards: I still can't believe my song didn't win her over. Oh well perhaps this will.
@alexsplayground
@badnewsbenson
I got some bad news for you. You only beat up hobos because you can't beat anyone else up. I don't even think you can beat up most hobos. If properly motivated I'm sure they can kick your ass as easily as I will in War. So here's the proper motivation. Next week Bad New Benson versus all homeless comers. Winner gets a sandwich. And since you know Alex is a #Foodie it's gonna be an awesome sandwich.
@hobobob
@alexsplayground
First off fuck you Alex for helping to put Jayson Price in a coma and then fuck you Jeff Purse for kicking me out of Price Towers. Secondly, I'll kick the fuck out of Bad News Benson. I really need that sandwich.
@alexsplayground
@badnewsbenson
It took about ten seconds to find a hobo that can kick your ass. I don't think you'll last much longer than that in War either.
@alexsplayground
Dean Wolf
I'm not going to lie. I was actually impressed. You have balls kid, Most of the newcomers around here spend all their time kissing up to Seth Lerch. You threw shit in his face. Can't say that didn't impress me. But here's the problem Wolf. You have no direction. You're in War. You're a loner so you don't have to worry about problems that come from betraying teammates. Although neither be I because Pantheon knows it's about the business of winning and not personal but I digress. Wolf, you're tough as nails and don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about you. You actually remind me of an old friend of mine in the Pack, a man named Hyena. Unfortunately for you you also share the same downfall. You're a fighter but you're not a thinker. I know it's ironic to hear The Archduke of Mass Confusion claim that. But it's also true. You're in this by yourself. Your first goal is to do as much damage as possible. See the flawed logic in this. You're young though Wolf. I'll bet you'll get better. But you're not winning War. At least you earned the right to be here.
@alexsplayground
I really want me some Chinese take out. A Chow Mein Sandwich with plenty of MSG and some cashew chicken and I'd be in #Heaven.
Shaun looks at Alex in disbelief.
SZR: Seriously? You stopped talking about your opponents in War to promote your love of Chinese take out?
Alex Richards: Hey, I gotta be me Zach.
SZR: And what the hell is a Chow Mein Sandwich anyways.
Alex Richards: Obviously it's a sandwich with chow Mein and gravy. The lunch of champions Zach.
SZR: Um.. doesn't sound like it.
Alex Richards: I'm going to win War and that's what I want for lunch so obviously it's true. Zach, you have to know if you're not true to yourself. If you're hiding who you are to make yourself look good, you're not going to win War. You're not going to win anything. You're just trying to win a popularity contest. And probably failing at it. I mean look at someone like Teo Del Sol he spends all his time playing to the fans, trying to be a role model. Yet he's not near as popular as I am. You know why Zach?
SZR: Because you autograph and give away full shot glasses.
Alex Richards: Now there's some memobilia you can truly enjoy! But the real reason is, I'm honest about who I am. I'm not hiding anything. Teo wants the people to like him so he acts like the nicest guy in the world. But people ain't stupid, well except for people who join the Bitch Krew, they can see through it. They know they aren't meeting the real Teo. And how exactly is a man who's not true to himself going to win a match that strips away all the bullshit, strips away all the layers of protection. There's an obvious answer, he's not going to. Because someone like me is gonna try to win War at all costs, he's gonna be trying to get people to like him at all costs. The funny thing is when I win War I'll get a thunderous ovation because a job well done connects with the fans better than sucking up to them. Plus I'm gonna throw beer into the crowd to celebrate. I hate to celebrate by getting drunk alone.
SZR: What are you talking about? You always get drunk alone.
Alex Richards: But I don't enjoy it. It's a sacrifice I make for you Zach. Besides I don't drink and drive. That's just wrong.
SZR: I'm still amused that's where you draw the line. With all the bar fights you've gotten into, all the trespassing, the vandalism, the theft of property, the wanton destruction of property.
Alex Richards: If you pick a fight with an ugly 300 pounder that's your own fault. All that other stuff, I paid for my damages. I don't know what the big deal is about me having some fun. But drunk driving, that could hurt someone. I don't go in for that. I'd rather drink alone then not have a DD.
One of the ever growing crowd surrounding the computer terminal shouts out.
Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!
Alex Richards: I have a public?
SZR: Don't let it get to your head. You're in Oklahoma. There probably isn't that much going on.
Alex however his usual distracted rant broken up does indeed return to twitter.
@alexsplayground
@teodelsol
When I thought about you there was only one thing to do. I started to shine up new brand new Trios Championship belt up. I had to get the stink of the DRG off of it after all. Did you know Jeff Purse and myself are the masters of the tag team division? We are the first wrestlers in WCF history to win both the tag team championships and the Trios championships! I am rubbing in the fact I just won a championship in hopes it pisses you off that much more and makes you want to prove me wrong and win back that television title. Because we both know that Tibby doesn't deserve it, and didn't earn it. Plus, you are actually a nice guy and I want to prove my theory right. Nice guys don't really finish last, they finish in the middle. So if you lose War, which you will, and win the television title, that's about in the middle right? #AlexDontKnowAverages
@realluchadore
@alexsplayground
Something in Spanish.
@alexsplayground
@realluchadore
Sorry, I don't speak Spanish. Now if you spoke Tequila or Corona we could find common ground.
SZR: Um.. Alex, he doesn't speak Spanish. He literally typed something in Spanish.
Alex Richards: I know that Zach but like the real Teo he just doesn't do a lot to keep my attention so I'm choosing to move onto someone else. Maybe someone with more of a chance of winning War.
@alexsplayground
@andrejenson
Anyone can enter War. Last year Gravedigger,Junior entered War. Digger killed him. See, that's the problem. Anyone can enter War but just because you can doesn't mean you should. I mean the Ultimate Destroyer entered War too that doesn't mean anyone thinks he has a chance. But I will give you some credit. At least you actually did some promotion for War. Unlike most of those timid motherfuckers who show up and hope to somehow get lucky. Unfortunately the odds are against you but maybe just maybe you'll make it. Since I entered the WCF approximately 225 people have came to the WCF and then departed. 225 people. The odds are against you lasting the month but those odds you can beat. I did. But the odds of you winning War, those are zero no matter how you look at it.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
I invented twit longer because you know my twit is longer. #ObviousPenisJoke
@shaunzachrichards
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
Do you really have nothing better to do with your time, Steven?
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@shaunzachrichards
Of course I do! And I can prove it! Smell my finger!
@alexsplayground
@shaunzachrichards
Wait a second! If you have time to twit on your phone and then means you have time to get me another coffee! C'mon man, you're slacking! I'm in danger of sobering up! But as for Steven Osbourne he's in a better player on his worst day then the Beach Krew are any day.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
Is that a compliment or an insult? #BeachKrewStoleMyGimmick
Alex looks like he's considering his options when yet another fan of Alex's twitter work walks in approaches the massive Trios champion and hands him a white take out container. Alex opens it and high fives the fan!
Alex Richards: You see that Zach? All I have to do is tweet it and it happens! Chow Mein Sandwich, Cashew chicken.. within the hour it arrives. You know what that proves Zach. All I have to do is tweet it and it comes true! Not only I am the God of the Internet I am also my own Prophet of the Internet! I need to use this to my advantage.
Shaun Zach who has just returned with Alex's latest beverage doesn't seem to believe.
SZR: I think you're getting carried away. The fact you can get free food does not mean you control the internet and can bend it to your will. It probably means you've been drinking too much though.
Alex Richards: Oh ye of little faith. Watch me completely and utterly prove you wrong!
@alexsplayground
Sunday October 4th, mark it on your calendar WCF faithful. Be sure to watch War. Not just to see Seth Lerch cry when the latest guy he's using Joey Flash doesn't get the job done in the main event. Not just to see the Bitch Krew lose all their titles and get crushed in War. But the real reason you should watch is because of the dominant performance by Alex Richards who is not only going to win War but shatter the record for most eliminations in a single War. And when I say shatter, I mean shatter. And with all the beer bottles I've broken I know a lot about shattering stuff. The current record stands at five, watch The Archduke of Mass Confusion not only win War but double the record by eliminating ten! #OneHereICome
Alex Richards: Okay now that I punched my ticket to One and guaranteed to be remembered forever what else should I do?
SZR: Just saying you're going to do it doesn't mean you're guaranteed to do it!
Alex Richards: Yes it does. Every match someone said they were going to win and every match someone wins. So who's to say I'm not the one who's right. I mean there's a better chance of me being right then say..
Alex has obviously thought of someone who he doesn't think is going to be victorious in War and this inspires him to tweet about them. Which leads to this..
@alexsplayground
@vicveneble
I really wish I didn't have to write this. I like you Vic. You stood against the BitchKrew. Anyone who does that is the kind of man I respect. And like me, you're a guy who spent time in jail and turned their life around. I want to see you do well. But the problem is you're not your brother. Frank was a world champion. That's a lot of pressure to live up to. I don't think you can do it. I think that's why you came out last week and boldly proclaimed you were going to win that week, you were going to break the record for most eliminations #ThatsGonnaBeMe, and that you were gonna win War #ThatsGonnaBeMeToo The problem is, you didn't win last week, you didn't win the easiest part of that equation. That's like failing grade 1 and claiming you're a #MENSA candidate. That just don't fly. People would have considered Frank one of the favorites for War and for good reason. But people don't think that about you. And it's also for good reason. Sorry Vic, you're not as good as your brother. But hey I'll give you an invite to my victory party. So there's that. #SilverLining #NotRoySpeede #WonderIfHesShowingUp
Some of Alex's fans have also started drinking leading to the workers at the store exchanging nervous glances towards the ever increasing, ever more rowdy crowd. Alex however is in his element chatting with fans and with his brother Shaun as he continues tweeting.
@alexsplayground
Dustin Beaver
I'll bet you are sick of people wanting to kick your ass because of a certain famous pop star you bare some resemblance to. You can rest easy sir. I am not like that. I want to kick your ass for a different reason. People may not know this but when I'm not wrestling The Archduke enjoys fishing. But if you know ruins fishing? Beavers! They dam up the rivers and keep the fish away? Now I enjoy drinking while I'm fishing but if there's no fish I'm not drinking while fishing I'm just drinking. And if I wanted to drink I would just drink damnit! And how dare you name yourself Dustin Beaver glorifying that horrible, awful, tree destroying, fisherman dream crushing beast! Dustin Beaver I'm going to return the favor! I'm going to crush your dreams of winning War! That horrible pop star who sings Baby who's name I can't remember might just as well enter War because he would have as good a chance of winning as you do! Wait, I remembered his name #BillyRayCyrus that's right you're worse than Billy Ray Cyrus.. so suck it Beaver. That'll learn you to name yourself after the #WorstAnimalEver
Shaun sighs noticing Alex's latest text, noticing he is using the spell checker a lot more. Noticing the fact his fans have started crowd surfing as if they were in a mosh pit.
SZR: You're starting to get drunk aren't you?
Alex Richards: Just starting? I've been working at it all day!
@screamingbarelylegalteen
@alexsplayground
Don't u dare make fun of Dusty! I'm like his biggest fan. He signed my beaver.
@alexsplayground
@screamingbarelylegalteen
People are carrying around beavers now for Dustin to sign? Do you know how dangerous that is? Beavers might look cute with their buck teeth and their flat tails but they are more destructive than you think. Also what type of pen could he possibly use to sign a beaver? Seems like their fur would prevent that.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
I don't think that's the beaver she was talking about. #Muff
Alex reads Steven's tweet then snorts.
Alex Richards: I think I know what a beaver is. But I also know this.. any wrestler who would encourage their fans to do dangerous stuff like carry around a beaver just to get an autograph is the type of guy I want to stop. No, need to stop! Dustin Beaver, you may look like a pop star but you have a dark heart my friend, wanting to see your fans injured. But don't worry fans, I'll protect you by ending the threat that is Dustin Beaver.
Shaun would normally respond but instead he's talking with a blonde hair female fan wearing a Slayer t shirt.
Woman: Don't you normally discourage Alex when he talks like that.
SZR: Normally yes. But it rarely works so I figure I'll try another tactic this week. Ignoring it and hoping he forgets about it.
This is going to work because Alex apparently is sober enough to overhear him.
Alex Richards: So you're pulling a David Sanchez?
SZR: A David Sanchez?
Alex Richards: Ignoring me hoping I forget about you and just go away. That never works!
Woman: So you're like herpes?
Alex Richards: Dude! If anyone is like herpes it's the guy people call dirty sanchez. Sanchez is nowhere near lucky enough that I'll forget about him. He has a title I want, he has a lack of respect for me I want to change, and... well actually that's about all he has. Seems like it's gonna be pretty easy for me don't it? Just as easy as sending this tweet at least.
@alexsplayground
@davidsanchez
Dear David Sanchez, I'm taking your title because you don't deserve it. You have done nothing to prove you do. I'm eliminating you from War because you don't deserve to win that either. The only great thing about you is your ego and your excuses every time you lose. I can't wait to hear your excuse after I win War. #HighComedy
Shaun meanwhile taps Alex on the shoulder.
SZR: I don't mean to alarm you but I think the employees are talking about whether they should call the cops.
Alex Richards: What? I haven't even done anything?
SZR: A couple of your fans just started a carpet fire.
Alex smiles broadly.
Alex Richards: They are my fans aren't they? These are my type of people. These are the type of people I'm going to win War for. The misfits, the oddballs, the rebels, the people just like me. The douche bags have the Beach Krew. The sadists have the Angels of Death, the bikers even have the DRG. I don't know why anyone would want any of those groups. But the people who just want to have fun and damn the consquences, they have me! Those are my people! These are my people! Do you think I'm gonna let them down? Fuck no! I better keep tweeting though before we get kicked out of here.
SZR: That is gonna happen.
Alex Richards: Not before I finish two things, talking about War, and this bottle of Bail-Quila. Nope, doesn't sound any better while hammered. Maybe if I took some pills too..
Alex doesn't take pills fortunately for his readers. He does however return to tweeting.
@alexsplayground
@peopleihaven'tTweetedAbout
You won't read this tweet anyways so why should I bother? It goes without saying you'll be eliminated in War. Maybe by me, maybe by Pantheon, hell maybe by Tyler Walker. But rest assured I didn't talk about you for a reason. Because you suck. You really really suck #WarFiller
@alexsplayground
@legion
You're awaiting the return of NVL. I would rather see the return of Mister Jack Happy. I would ever rather see the return of Anthony Douglas. Okay that's harsh and untrue. But while you're waiting for the return of NVL I'll make this easy on you. By eliminating you from War. So You can do back to your Leibert shrine and worship. It is a holy day in the WCF War, so you can even slaughter the fattened hog. You might enjoy that. You won't enjoy what I did to you though. You picked on the wrong man two weeks ago. I don't forget that easily. In fact I'm fixing to make you require some special needs of your own. For example.. a breathing tube.
Alex decides this is a good time to lit up a cigar before tweeting once again. He's been tweeting a lot. Apparently he added several hundred thousand followers today.
@alexsplayground
@jacksonwhite
You have had two main goals. And you haven't been successful at either. You wanted to be a good wrestler and win a title. You haven't come particularly close to winning a match, nor winning a serious singles match nor well accomplishing much of anything besides making racist remarks. I guess if you want to be best remembered for wanting to kill stupid niggers... well actually that's sad and pathetic that's gonna be your legacy. But you had another goal finding your father's killer. But you haven't done that either. Ever think maybe you should just pick one. Or be smart, focus on finding your father's killer then once you do that focus on your wrestling career? I mean I'm absolutely smashed and I thought of that. Somehow you couldn't? Apparently you aren't content being the longest tenured unsuccessful wrestler, you also want to be the stupidest wrestler in the WCF. And this is a fed with pig farmers, the bitch krew, and guys who won't hit their opponents. That's impressive. I guess. Not good or requiring skill or well much of anything. But at least it's something grasp onto that.
@cartman
@alexsplayground
I killed Kenny and Jackson's father! #RespectMyAuthoritah!
Alex Richards: So apparently in addition to being a better wrestler than The Fenix I'm also a better detective. I mean I got a confession in like 5 seconds. Your welcome Jackson.
SZR: From a fake version of a fictional character.
Alex Richards: Still a confession. You're so negative Zach.
The crowd which has now filled the store gives Shaun a round of boos. Alex then takes a bow which gets him a round of cheers.
SZR: You know this can only end badly.
Alex Richards: You keep saying that. I keep landing on my feet. Aren't you tired of being wrong? You sound like everyone other guy who thinks he's gonna win War. Speaking of which..
@alexsplayground
@jayomega, Jeff Purse
Final three baby! I mean is there ever a doubt? Are they three more talented men in War then the Trios champions? I think #Not I just wanted to be the first to invite you guys to my victory party at the #StrangeRover I know you guys are gonna be disappointed I'm winning War instead of you so you can take it out on the supply of top shelf liquor I'm supplying. #IUsedPricesPantheonMastercardAgain #DamnThatThingHasAHighLimit #AlexRichardsIsWinningWar #IuseHashTagsBetterThanTheBitchKrew #BitchKrewSucksPantheonRules #StrangeWarWinner
SZR: What about the new trainees in Pantheon. Two of them are in War and you haven't said a word about them.
Alex Richards: I knew you were useful Zach! Well besides getting me coffee. Which by the way..
SZR: Yeah... yeah.. I'm going.
Shaun chuckles and wrings out the mat beside Alex's station where he has repeated tossed the portion of the coffee he replaces with booze into Alex's cup and hands it back to him. Alex doesn't notice so intent on typing.
@alexsplayground
@guntherblythe
As a almost welcome to being a finalist for Pantheon I was going to trash talk in German. Then I realized I don't know German and I'm either too lazy or too drunk to look it up online. Fortunately I know lots of Arnold Schwarzenegger movie quotes so that's basically the same thing right? So Gunther come with me if you want to live. Besides I can use someone to watch my back for a bit anyways. And Pantheon rookies seem to fit the bill. I mean in the end I'm going to have to eliminate you but if you stick with me you might outlast Dexter. But when we do face off remember these words of wisdom. You've seen those movies where they say "Make my day." or "I'm your worst nightmare.", well listen to this one. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Yeah I know you're afraid. But being a member of Pantheon will make it worth it. We have awesome parties. After all How do you Soviets deal with stress?"
"Vodka" Wait, we aren't even Soviet. Maybe I've been drinking more than I thought. But remember Gunther you might think you're bad but you're a fucking choir boy compared to me. A choir boy! I live to see you eat that contract! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine! Just kidding man. I know that's a little over the top. But seriously You'll be back but I'll be the #Winner.
Alex Richards: Now about Dexter...
@alexsplayground
@dexterradcliffe
If you said you were a Harry Potter fan I would have been rooting against you. I'm already considering rooting against you because I checked. All that great television programming I saw in your interview earlier in the week. I totally couldn't find any of it on my tv! But you're a finalist for the Pantheon cut so I know you're an honest man. So how about after I win War you show me to find those awesome new television shows.
@jerseylawyers
@alexsplayground
Can you please give me the contact information from Mister Radcliffe? I represent the legal counsel for the members of the former Jersey Shore cast members. We believe they have a strong case for defamation of character due to Mr. Radcliffe's portrayal of The Beach Krew as member of the Jersey Shore.
@alexsplayground
@jerseylawyers
On one hand Snookie is far more talented then any member of the Bitch Krew, or all of them combined. You have no idea how sad that sounds either. On the other hand.. do you really think I'm going to turn over a potential Pantheon brother to some lawyer? Fuck you!
@alexsplayground
@dexterradcliffe
You owe me Dex. I just saved you a shit load of money. Now I'm not gonna feel so bad if I have to beat you up en route to winning War. #Sorry #NotReally
Alex takes another break from typing to talk to Shaun Zach who also appears to be on the phone.
Alex Richards: Fuck you. What type of a lame catch phrase would that be? I mean anyone who just uses a tired, overused curse word instead of a real catch phrase is a sad, sad person aren't they? I mean how uncreative is that? I mean what type of lame wrestler would use Fuck You as their catch phrase.
SZR: Night Rider.
Alex Richards: Guess that makes sense. I mean if you stole your name from an 80s tv show why not steal your catch phrase from pop culture right?
SZR: Is swearing pop culture?
Alex Richards: I say it is so it must be so. I'll bet Night Rider is some no namer no one respects. I mean his former tag team partner Jeff Purse doesn't have a particularly high opinion of him. He joined Pantheon but when Night Rider wanted him to join the Angels of Death he very wisely said no. I'll bet everyone else did the same right?
SZR: Actually the Angels of Death have four active members?
Alex Richards: Seriously? Now that's just sad. Almost as sad as the fact I have to tweet Night Rider in spite of the fact he has zero chance of victory. The sacrifices you have to make when you want to win War. I'm telling you War truly is Hell. Trying to reason with people who think Fuck You is like the best insult ever..
Alex shakes his head and returns to his mission.
@alexsplayground
Night Rider
So the leader of the Angels of Death is back. And John Gable is gone. There is no justice in the world is there? Well you were gone you may have noticed Denise D'Evil flirting with Thomas Bates. I would think you might be upset about that considering the shit she gave you for having a female manager. I guess that kind of teamwork is gonna keep you guys being the #WorstStableInTheWCF Pantheon meanwhile not only is the beat stable, we have the trios titles to prove we're the best team. And At War we'll have the victor. But while I'm celebrating you can always take comfort in the fact you have your pointless biker war with the DRG. It's the little things right Night Rider?
@alexsplayground
@denisedevil
You're not going to win War, and everyone knows it. So I figured I would be nice and save you the trouble. You might think I'm asking you to save me the trouble too but I'm not. I'll enjoy tossing you over the top rope at War. I have to get those record breaking ten eliminations somewhere. You're a vital part of that Denise. Unlike with the Angels of Death where there are no vital parts. But about that favor I said I was gonna do for you. Well everyone knows Thomas Bates is a giant. But rumor has it he's not giant all over if you get what I'm saying. At least that's what my buddy Steven Osbourne said.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
Dude! Not cool revealing your source like that! Now people are gonna think I'm gay again and kill my action.
@alexsplayground
@denisedevil
That comment by my buddy Steve is more interesting then the whole Angels of Death. You guys are not winning War. Not even close. But like I gave you good advice for Bates, I'll also give you good advice for War. Aim for top 25. With there being at least 50 people in there that's something right? #AnotherSilverLining #StillNotRoySpeede
@alexsplayground
oblivion
You used to be scary. Now you're the WCF's version of the monster mash. I'm sorry Obi, really I am. But you did it to yourself. What exactly has the monster done lately? Brain washed Spencer Adams? Licked blood off of Doug Murdoch's lackey? These are not the actions of a monster, they are the actions of the Disney movie monster. What happened Oblivion? Have you gone soft? Have you lost your motivation? You have grown old and your monster teeth have fallen out. I hope so Oblivion because the fact you are a mere shell of your former self is revenge for your victims. I'm gonna help them as well by getting rid of you, just like I did at the Ultimate Showdown. The last time you qualified. From Ultimate Showdown, from being a world champion, to being a follower. How far can you fall?
Alex has finished tweeting about the AOD and looks to Shaun who is still on the phone.
Alex Richards: Dude, it's rude to be on the phone while I'm tweeting.
SZR: How is that rude?
Alex Richards: I'm writing down gold! You should be appreciating it dude!
SZR: I'm calling your lawyer.
Alex Richards: Why?
SZR: Um.. the near riot in the store?
Alex Richards: You mean the small fire?
SZR: Or the two guys who just came in and started sledge hammering the walls. Why do your fans do this?
Alex Richards: Because they are my fans. They are doing quite the job on this place though. Our time might be close to running out. I better hurry.
Alex looks angrier, thinking of his next tweet.
@alexsplayground
@thebeachkrew
I always talk about you guys collectively. You know why? Because none of you are worth anything on your own. You stick together because you have to. It's the only way you can do anything. Because of this I hope one of you bring Hacksaw Jim Thuggin to ringside with you. I want to honor the memory of the Scarecrow just reliving the moment where he gave Jim a savage beating by doing it again. Think his moronic predictions saw that coming? Wade Moron, you had better hope against all odds that Zombie McMorris is better than you and wins the Internet Title. Because I will be coming for it if you win. I will not allow a member of the Bitch Krew to have MY title. Anymore than I will allow a member of the BitchKrew to win War. But really that shouldn't be too hard to accomplish. You really have only two real wrestlers anyways. Los Tiberones and Moron. I may think I forgot Kyle Kemp. I didn't, everyone forgets Kyle Kemp because if he was really better than everyone why would he have joined the Bitch Krew exactly. I know you guys are gonna stick together. That's just going to make it more sweet when Pantheon picks you off one by one by one until only you Wade is left. Then the real fun begins. You guys just want to win War. I want to win War and hurt each and every one of you if I can. That makes me a danger to you. Especially considering my back up. This is your first War, all of you, and it will also be your last.
SZR: Someone brought a chainsaw? Why are your fans cheering and chainsawing desks? Where did the staff go?
Alex Richards: They were only here to serve me coffee. So I told them to go. I'm out of Bail-Quila. Yeah, that still sounds awful. As awful as a member of the Beach Krew winning War. Or Wade winning the Internet Title. You know who I blame for that right...
Alex continues to calmly tweet as his fans decimate the store behind him. Some of them cheering on Alex's tweets, others chanting some of his statements on the day, almost all doing some sort of damage.
@alexsplayground
@zmac
I blame you. I want you to know this. I'm blaming you when Wade Moron wins the Internet Title. So you had better not let it happen. Because that match happens before War and I'll be watching. I blame you because you claim to be the greatest Internet Competitor of all time. If that's the case you should be able to easily handle Wade shouldn't you? I know your boast about being the greatest internet title competitor isn't true. I would even rank Jayson Price ahead of you. But I'd let that slide for now if you could beat Wade. But you won't. So I'll have to take some of that frustration out on you in War. With how you've been performing lately you don't want that. You definitely don't want that. All I've seen from you lately is the same repetitive non sense over and over. Is that your game plan for the internet title match or for War? Do the same thing over and over until someone catches on. Because I'm not going to lie. That might work for a few minutes in the internet title match, Wade is pretty dumb, but in War you won't last 5 minutes. Unless I make it last five minutes because I'm pissed... at you. Spoiler Alert, I'll make it last. Quick pointer from the real God of the internet. The trumpet picture? Not that amusing. Now if it were a picture of you blowing a trumpet then you might have something. Zombie blowing a trumpet.. that's money. Took me two seconds to top you in the internet title match. War isn't gonna be much different.
Alex has to pick up his computer and move it as another monitor whizzes by crashing against the wall.
Deranged Fan: I like Zombie memes!
Alex Richards: Who's cartoons were better. Colin Marshall or Ice Beckman?
Deranged Fan: Colins! Obviously!
Alex Richards: It's official. He's a zombie.
Alex takes the fan down with a big boot to the skull then tosses him through the front window.
Alex Richards: Even McMorris' fans are stupid. And about as easy to beat as he is. Now where were we?
SZR: You just assaulted a man. Broke a window and...
Alex Richards: Hey, this is about War Zach. Gotta remain focused. If I can keep my focus this well while drunk what chance does anyone have against me while I'm sober on Sunday? None at all of course!
So Alex tries to prove his point by continuing the tweets.
@alexsplayground
livewire
I liked you better as the Livewire, Gemini. Remember the good, old days. When you used to earn world title shots. Sure you didn't win but at least you tried. And to be honest you had a better chance at winning the title than Thomas Bates did. Because that's what you do now. You used to be a leader of men, or at least lead yourself. Now you blindly follow Bates. You let him lead you. And how is he doing as a leader? What has Bates ever done for you? He lead you down the wrong path. He made you help him and offered nothing in return. Last year you made the top ten at War. This year you will not. I hope you realize what teaming with Bates cost you. I hope you find your way. I'll do my part in helping you realize your mistake. Because if we meet I will eliminate you. #YourWelcome #OnlyTryingToHelp #DRGWillNotWinWar
@graysonsgf
@alexsplayground
I liked him better as Grayson Pierce too #ImLonely
Alex turns towards Shaun perhaps for the last time.
Alex Richards: Even Grayson's former fiance likes the old him better. Did Thomas Bates do anything positive for any member of the DRG besides himself? How do they not realize how selfish he is. How the only reason behind the DRG is to help Thomas Bates. I would feel quility about rubbing it in but Bates doesn't care about anything except his own pride so this is my pleasure.
@alexsplayground
@thomasbates
I've been verbally running you down for the last few months. I hope the fact we took your titles finally got your attention. You know what the sad thing is? Even before the trios match you were still only focused on War. Still only focused on yourself. That's your thing Bates. Your only thing. You're not a leader of a stable. You want to be the leader of a cult. Everyone who has come into contact with you, how has bought into your vision has been rewarded the same way.
Shaun taps Alex on the shoulder obviously taking noticed the two Tulsa police officers who have started ushering people from the now totaled building.
SZR: I think it's time we go.
Alex Richards: And not finish my last tweet. I almost think you're the drunk one!
Alex returns to writing unfazed.
Their reward? Their careers have been ruined. If they were lucky. Their lives may have been ruined! Do you think there's a coincidence besides Thomas Bates only one man has held a singles title. Spencer Adams, after he was smart enough to leave you guys! Bates, I'm going to do all your charges a favor they don't deserve. I'm going to bust up your cult and finally expose you at War. You don't have your trios titles, your membership keeps shrinking. There is only one way that would save you. Winning War. I will not let that happen. #DRGIsDead
The obviously senior police a largish man with salt and pepper hair approaches Alex.
Police Officer: Mister Richards, the area is clear.
SZR: What?
Alex grins delighting in having tricked Shaun as usual.
The police escort Alex and Shaun out as Alex uses his Paul E Dangerously model retro modified phone to help him explain.
Alex Richards: I thought I told you to pay attention to my tweets Zach.
SZR: I did. But.. yeah I don't have a clue.
Alex Richards: The very first tweet.. oh right.. you were getting me a coffee.
SZR: You did that on purpose you son of a bitch.
Alex Richards: Had to have my fun.
Alex shows Shaun his first text.
@alexsplayground
ATTENTION TULSA AND SURROUNDING AREA! THE ARCHDUKE OF MASS CONFUSION NEEDS YOUR HELP TO CELEBRATE WAR! ON SUNDAY OCTOBER 4TH ALEX RICHARDS WILL DEMOLISH 49 OTHER MEN EARNING THE VICTORY IN WAR! TODAY ALEX RICHARDS WILL DEMOLISH THE NET ROOM IN TULSA OKLAHOMA! COME AND JOIN IN THE FUN!
Alex Richards: You see Zach, this is how you celebrate winning War. With a grand gesture of destruction! A grand statement that shows you mean business!
SZR: So you set this up?
Alex Richards: This place went under a month ago. They paid me to destroy it. That's pretty sweet huh? Sometimes things just fall into place. Just like they will in War. Everyone else has a plan, everyone else thinks they know how it's going to end. But the Archduke... this is his game, this is his time, this is his plan. And all their dreams about winning War? Going to end in an explosion. Kind of like this building. But since I did have my fun with you and I do appreciate what you do for me. Want to help me blow this place up?
SZR: Fuck yeah I do! Normally only you get to break stuff! I'm missing out
Alex gestures towards the detonator half a block away.. Alex's fans continue to cheer, now from a safe distance thanks to the police, as the brothers Richards approach, each put a hand on the plunger and press down ending the scene and toppling the building in a loud...
BOOOOOOOOOOM
RUBBLE!
FADE TO BLACK!
Alex Richards: Are you sure we have to do a disclaimer?
SZR: After what you said. Yes, yes we do.
Alex Richards: Alright fine. The following scene which takes place on twitter has people claiming to be fellow wrestlers, fans of fellow wrestlers, family of fellow wrestlers, etc etc.. They are not... probably, instead they are likely trolls, fans with poor taste in wrestlers, bored people, drunk people, people I want to party with, high people, spam bots, basically everything except what they claim to be... maybe. So now I do I not get sued?
SZR: You probably still get sued, you do a lot of stupid things. But not over this.
Alex Richards: Sweet! Well crack open a beer or twelve, watch and enjoy folks.
Narrator: (SZR) Alex picks some strange spots to host his segments from from time to time. In fact you might say it's kind of his trademark. Or at least one of them. Another hallmark is hanging out at shabby looking establishments. Another involves getting ridiculously drunk and buzzed on pills. This is what we call foreshadowing. Surprising, at least to me, Alex summoned me early in the morning today. We headed out in the Strange Rover to a place in Tulsa, Oklahoma called The Net Room. The place had obviously seen better days. The computers inside of it are at least several years old, the place is almost deserted, the carpet looks worn out and run down. Actually for a place Alex has chosen this isn't half bad. But still I turn to him and ask.
SZR: An internet cafe? Why are we in an internet cafe?
Alex Richards: Preparation for War of course.
SZR: How does hanging out in an internet cafe help you prepare for War exactly?
Alex Richards: Easy, people have been saying I was just the Internet Champion. That that was all that I was known for. That's all I'm good at. So on and so forth. Again and again.
SZR: So hanging out at an internet cafe, albeit an abandoned one is the way you think you'll discredit this?
Alex Richards: Fuck no Zach! I don't want to discredit it! People say I'm the greatest internet champion of all time? That's absolutely true! But does that mean I'm not a threat in War? That sounds misguided don't it? I mean how many people in this year's War can claim to be the best at anything? Jay Omega is the best of the hardcore division, Jeff Purse won a War so he can claim he was the best at War one year. What a shock besides members of Pantheon no one is the best at anything in the WCF.
SZR: How does being the best at the internet division help you though?
Alex Richards: I'm glad you asked Zach! As the god of the internet title I was practically unbeatable for that belt. So I'm going to treat War like a giant internet title match! I'm going to bring my strengths to this match! If I turn War into the world's largest internet title match it stands to reason I'll be practically unbeatable in War as well now don't it?
SZR: I guess that means sense. But how are you going to do that?
Alex Richards: That's easy! I'm going to use my preferred internet title medium, twitter, to give my thoughts on each and every one of my opponents! And for an added internet title feel I'm even going to do it live from an internet cafe!
SZR: These things are practically dead. Most people just use their smart phone.
Alex Richards: That doesn't give it the necessary personal touch Zach. It's all about the details. Plus these places sell coffee.
SZR: That doesn't sound like you.. drinking coffee.
Alex Richards: Of course it is.. I love a good coffee.
Alex looks at his extra large paper cup of coffee, then looks around. Seeing no one watching he reaches into his black doctor's bag and pulls out a black bottle quickly dumping some of the coffee into the trash can then refilling it with the mysterious liquid.
SZR: That seems more like you. What is that exactly anyways?
Alex Richards: Just a little Bail-Quila.
SZR: Bail-Quila?
Alex Richards: Baileys and Tequila mixed together. That name isn't gonna catch on though. Needs work. Much like a lot of the guys in War this year. They have some promise, but if you think about it just not good enough. Actually that's unfair to the booze, it's gonna get me drunk, err drunker, they are just gonna fill up space until I toss them en route to winning War.
SZR: Do you really need to add Tequila to Baileys? Isn't it already alcohol?
Alex Richards: Only 17%. That's not nearly enough! When I'm drinking, much like when I'm competing in War I go all out or not at all! Now that I've had my coffee I think it's time we get started.
SZR: How are you going to do this?
Alex Richards: I'm going to start with the people I didn't talk about last time, if they are even worth saying anything about, and tweet whatever comes to mind about them. Then move on to the next victim. There are 49 other competitors in War so this is gonna be more of a challenge than wrestling some of them. Although not as much of a challenge as listening to someone of them speak. Now while I'm tweeting, you know your job right Zach?
SZR: Refill your coffee?
Alex Richards: Then Russian it up!
SZR: Isn't the term Irish up your coffee?
Alex Richards: You have a lot to learn about drinking Zach. Nobody in the world drinks more than the Russians... except me! Now I don't say this as often as I should but due to the fact I always have a lot to say while I'm twittering I shall be using Twit longer.
Shaun sighs and walks off in search of another coffee seeing as Alex has already finished his first. Alex sits down at the desk, grins obviously relishing the chance to tweet again then begins...
@alexsplayground
torture
You're the biggest name I didn't talk about earlier this week. Did I drink too much that I forgot about you? No, I did it one hundred percent on purpose. You see Torture, you're washed up. Over the hill. Past your prime. Way way way past your prime. Some people are said to be past their prime because they attempted a comeback after retiring. This is not you. Some people are said to be past their prime because they are old as dirt. This is not you either. Well this is you but that's not why you're washed up. And make no mistake about it you are really really washed up. You are not just washed up you are so washed up hipsters cheer you ironically! How do I know this? Because you told me this though your actions. Last year you came back for War, and you finished 6th in the match. That sounds impressive, right? You couldn't be washed up at all, right? Except for the fact you spent literally the entire match running and hiding from the action. But that could have just been good game planning. Hell, I might even get drunk enough to believe that. I might even be drunk enough to believe that now. Except for the fact you came back during king of trios and following it you picked a fight with Hardcore Champion Marc Mayhem. The hardcore title was Mayhem's first title and you're a hall of famer. So he should have been easy pickings for you right? Except that when you finally fought the absolute only reason you won was because of Seth Lerch changing the rules before you were defeated. You know just like both of your king of trios matches. Where you were defeated. But then you had the title and you've held it for 4 months. Finally something impressive right? Wait you've held it for four months without a real title defense! You've faced people from the jobber roster, jobbers you bought in off the streets. So this is why I know you're a mere shell of your former self. Because you know it and have acted accordingly. No one has a bigger ego than Torture. He would have been out there week after week defending the title against everyone, rubbing everyone else's nose in how great he was. Except that, he's not that great anymore. And he knows it. That's why you don't face real competition! That's why you take shortcuts every single week! The reason I know you're not a threat is because your actions have shown me that. You against 50 other wrestlers at War. No contest.
Alex stop typing and hits send. Taking a haul on his loaded coffee as a blonde teenager looks at him and does a double take.
Blonde Kid: Holy shit! That's Alex Richards!
The blonde kid pulls out his cell phone and begins texting. As Alex casually turns to Shaun Zach who was playing solitaire at the computer beside him.
Alex Richards: You know, come to think of it, that was a little nice of me. I did hold back quite a bit. This is War after all..
Alex begins to type again.
@alexsplayground
torture
But you know there's another reason I didn't talk about you the first time. We all know you aren't actually going to show up to War. I fully expect you to rent a venue ten miles away, hold your own War, and compete against five complete and total no hopers than brag endlessly about how you won War. That is after all, the only way you win War. Because if you know if you did show up at War there is only one outcome. First me kicking your ass then @jayomega pinning your ass for the Hardcore title #Truth #DealWithIt Because while I'm going to take the War victory Jay thinks he's gonna get away from him no way I would get in between him and his Hardcore title. Sorry Torture, I got distracted talking about other , still relevant wrestlers on your twitter feed. #SickBurn See you at War.. maybe.
Alex grins and hits send. Probably planning out his next tweet. When suddenly..
@torturejobber
@alexsplayground
Dude! Shut up! You're ruining my gig! That's the first work I got in wrestling for years!
@alexsplayground
@torturejobber
Sorry dude. I mean you guys have my respect. If you can make Torture look as good as you did you guys have skills.
@torturejobber
@alexsplayground
Wasn't easy man. #TortureSucks And he's just as much of a dick in the locker room as is he in the ring. Why do you think none of us came back for a second match? No one wants to hang out with Torture twice. I'd rather be hit with his sloppy Torture's Device again. Which by the way he barely has the strength to do anymore.
Alex finally finishes his reply then turns to Shaun Zach.
Alex Richards: I already talked about one legend in his own mind who can't actually win a legit match against anyone. It's natural who I talk about next.
Alex thinks for a second, then takes another drink for motivation.
Alex Richards: Actually that's kind of unfair.
@alexsplayground
@adamyoung
I was going to give you credit. Really I was. You beat Joey Flash. Zombie McMorris didn't beat Joey Flash. John Gable didn't beat Joey Flash. Gemini Battle didn't beat Joey Flash. But you, you Adam Young beat Joey Flash. Then you did absolutely nothing with it. Have you won a match since beating Joey Flash? That's not sarcasm that's a serious question. I have another serious question how does it feel knowing that in one year I have accomplished more in the WCF then you have in your entire career? Your whole stable once held a singles title. It took of you to win the television title. I won the Hardcore title competing against four people. Need I say more? I have been invited to join first The Pack and then Pantheon. The only way you get in a group is by forming it yourself because no one else wants you. I even recently saw you turn on your partner Austin Adams because he married your ex? Why would he team with you in the first place? He knows he's married to your ex. I guess that does answer the question what kind of a guy teams with AY. The answer a #CompleteAndTotalMoron Who thinks Adam Young is going to win War? #NotEvenACompleteAndTotalMoron You once eliminated Corey Black from War. There will be no new claim to fame for you this year.
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ! BTJ!
Alex noticing the response grins. A second teen has shown up and snapped a picture of the massive wrestler. Alex however remains focused on his task.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
I always wondered. Why exactly do people chant for Adam Young anyways?
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
He pays us to.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
How much does he pay? I would imagine it would have to be a lot in order to lower yourself to cheering for that no talent.
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
He pays in Moonshine.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
In that case.. BTJ! BTJ! BTJ!
Alex sits back, relaxes and has himself another boozy coffee. He finishes it then looks annoyed.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
Where's my moonshine?
@ayfan
@alexsplayground
I've been waiting two and a half years.
@alexsplayground
@ayfan
Are you serious? That welshing son of a bitch! I take my booze seriously! He's probably not actually planning on retiring either! Well I'll show him! I'll force him into retirement during War then raid his locker room and steal his personal supply of moonshine!
SZR: According to locker room buzz he actually wins so infrequently and makes so little money wrestling he now only drinks mouth wash to get a buzz.
Alex Richards: Well I'll steal that too. Just out of spite. And I'll drink it.. if you don't get me another coffee.
SZR: Fine, I can take a hint.
Two more people have walked into the internet cafe as Shaun heads off in the direction of the coffee bar and Alex returns to tweeting.
@alexsplayground
occulo
Why the fuck are you even here? I mean I can venture a guess. You entered War because Dune is busy defending the world title and Howard Black is injured right? So they couldn't get revenge on you for abandoning them right? A couple of shots from a non wrestler, John Mullins is enough to take you out of the WCF? I don't buy it. Either you're the type of guy who abandons their team because they don't have the skills to hack it around here or you're the type of guy who gets severely injured from a few shots to the midsection from a 2 by 4? So which is it? Are you a weak willed or just physically weak. Don't tell me. I know the answer. It's both right? I know you entered the WCF and went right after Joey Flash. And you lost time and time and time and time and time and time again. Then you gave up. Because of course you gave up. You quit on your stable, you quit against your rival. You're just a quitter Occulo. So now you're back in War. A match where the prize is a world title shot. I want it more than you. But that goes without saying. Someone like Biohazard wants it more than you. At least he's been here all year competing. You're a quitter Occulo, when things get tough for you in War, you'll fold. Just like you did on the Sentinels, just like you did against Flash, just like you did against Danny Anderson during your only title runs. Quitters don't win War Occulo. You didn't earn even a chance at main eventing One. But don't worry you'll get exactly what you earned. #Nothing #TheresAReasonIDidntTalkAboutYouTheFirstTime
Alex notices a slight cheer from the ever increasing crowd reading the tweets over his shoulder.
Alex Richards: Think this will generate a response?
Alex sips his coffee, waiting for a minute.
Alex Richards: I didn't think anyone still cared about Occulo. And he won't give them a reason to at War either. Time to move on like the fed has. I think that implies someone might have cared about you at one point though and that clearly isn't the case. So I guess I'll just dump you out and hope that's the end of you again. Okay this next guy really makes me mad.
@alexsplayground
@spenceradams
You know I was going to give you more attention. I was going to talk to you the first time, right off the hop and give the respect I thought you deserved for defeating me for the People's championship. Then you went and proved me wrong. You went and proved your victory over me for the People's title must have been a fluke. You did this by committing a crime against humanity. You took the title my friend and tag team partner The Scarecrow worked so hard to give meaning to and went and spit on all his hard work. You lost his championship. But everyone loses a title eventually. That would be forgivable. But you went and lost his championship to the worst possible person. A member of the #BitchKrew, the group that was involved in the murder of Scarecrow. Not only that, you lost the title to Kyle Kemp of all people. I'm sorry I can't take you seriously as a threat in War anymore. You lost to Kyle Kemp, the guy who thinks he's better than you in spite of the fact he's lost to you, me, and everyone else time after time after time. You let the People's title go to him somehow? How? Why? You have disgraced the memory of my friend Spencer Adams. That is not going to go unpunished. You weren't good enough to beat Kyle Kemp, you certainly aren't better than me. You certainly aren't good enough to win War. During your first title defense you couldn't find the antidote to choking, you won't have anymore luck in War. #Sorry #IamNotSorry
@darealspenceadumms
@alexsplayground
I want my mommy!
@alexsplayground
@darealspenceadumms
I want your mommy too! She's hot!
Alex suddenly stands up and shakes his head disgusted.
Alex Richards: I can't believe Spencer Adams has a thing for his own mother. Disgusting.
SZR: I'm pretty sure that isn't the real Spencer Adams.
Alex Richards: It makes perfect sense! I remember when I faced Spencer Adams for the People's Title and his mother offered me a night of pleasure if I threw the match to him! Spencer Adam defiled his own mother's honor in order to try and get a title! And he still couldn't beat Kyle Kemp? Don't worry Betty Adams, I'll regain your honor for you! I'll teach your son proper respect, both for the dead, and for his mother! Even if I have to beat it into him! Actually that's the only way I teach so I guess that's lucky for me, eh?
The small crowd now gathered around the computer station starts a Betty chant.
Alex Richards: I still can't believe my song didn't win her over. Oh well perhaps this will.
@alexsplayground
@badnewsbenson
I got some bad news for you. You only beat up hobos because you can't beat anyone else up. I don't even think you can beat up most hobos. If properly motivated I'm sure they can kick your ass as easily as I will in War. So here's the proper motivation. Next week Bad New Benson versus all homeless comers. Winner gets a sandwich. And since you know Alex is a #Foodie it's gonna be an awesome sandwich.
@hobobob
@alexsplayground
First off fuck you Alex for helping to put Jayson Price in a coma and then fuck you Jeff Purse for kicking me out of Price Towers. Secondly, I'll kick the fuck out of Bad News Benson. I really need that sandwich.
@alexsplayground
@badnewsbenson
It took about ten seconds to find a hobo that can kick your ass. I don't think you'll last much longer than that in War either.
@alexsplayground
Dean Wolf
I'm not going to lie. I was actually impressed. You have balls kid, Most of the newcomers around here spend all their time kissing up to Seth Lerch. You threw shit in his face. Can't say that didn't impress me. But here's the problem Wolf. You have no direction. You're in War. You're a loner so you don't have to worry about problems that come from betraying teammates. Although neither be I because Pantheon knows it's about the business of winning and not personal but I digress. Wolf, you're tough as nails and don't give a crap what anyone else thinks about you. You actually remind me of an old friend of mine in the Pack, a man named Hyena. Unfortunately for you you also share the same downfall. You're a fighter but you're not a thinker. I know it's ironic to hear The Archduke of Mass Confusion claim that. But it's also true. You're in this by yourself. Your first goal is to do as much damage as possible. See the flawed logic in this. You're young though Wolf. I'll bet you'll get better. But you're not winning War. At least you earned the right to be here.
@alexsplayground
I really want me some Chinese take out. A Chow Mein Sandwich with plenty of MSG and some cashew chicken and I'd be in #Heaven.
Shaun looks at Alex in disbelief.
SZR: Seriously? You stopped talking about your opponents in War to promote your love of Chinese take out?
Alex Richards: Hey, I gotta be me Zach.
SZR: And what the hell is a Chow Mein Sandwich anyways.
Alex Richards: Obviously it's a sandwich with chow Mein and gravy. The lunch of champions Zach.
SZR: Um.. doesn't sound like it.
Alex Richards: I'm going to win War and that's what I want for lunch so obviously it's true. Zach, you have to know if you're not true to yourself. If you're hiding who you are to make yourself look good, you're not going to win War. You're not going to win anything. You're just trying to win a popularity contest. And probably failing at it. I mean look at someone like Teo Del Sol he spends all his time playing to the fans, trying to be a role model. Yet he's not near as popular as I am. You know why Zach?
SZR: Because you autograph and give away full shot glasses.
Alex Richards: Now there's some memobilia you can truly enjoy! But the real reason is, I'm honest about who I am. I'm not hiding anything. Teo wants the people to like him so he acts like the nicest guy in the world. But people ain't stupid, well except for people who join the Bitch Krew, they can see through it. They know they aren't meeting the real Teo. And how exactly is a man who's not true to himself going to win a match that strips away all the bullshit, strips away all the layers of protection. There's an obvious answer, he's not going to. Because someone like me is gonna try to win War at all costs, he's gonna be trying to get people to like him at all costs. The funny thing is when I win War I'll get a thunderous ovation because a job well done connects with the fans better than sucking up to them. Plus I'm gonna throw beer into the crowd to celebrate. I hate to celebrate by getting drunk alone.
SZR: What are you talking about? You always get drunk alone.
Alex Richards: But I don't enjoy it. It's a sacrifice I make for you Zach. Besides I don't drink and drive. That's just wrong.
SZR: I'm still amused that's where you draw the line. With all the bar fights you've gotten into, all the trespassing, the vandalism, the theft of property, the wanton destruction of property.
Alex Richards: If you pick a fight with an ugly 300 pounder that's your own fault. All that other stuff, I paid for my damages. I don't know what the big deal is about me having some fun. But drunk driving, that could hurt someone. I don't go in for that. I'd rather drink alone then not have a DD.
One of the ever growing crowd surrounding the computer terminal shouts out.
Tweets! Tweets! Tweets!
Alex Richards: I have a public?
SZR: Don't let it get to your head. You're in Oklahoma. There probably isn't that much going on.
Alex however his usual distracted rant broken up does indeed return to twitter.
@alexsplayground
@teodelsol
When I thought about you there was only one thing to do. I started to shine up new brand new Trios Championship belt up. I had to get the stink of the DRG off of it after all. Did you know Jeff Purse and myself are the masters of the tag team division? We are the first wrestlers in WCF history to win both the tag team championships and the Trios championships! I am rubbing in the fact I just won a championship in hopes it pisses you off that much more and makes you want to prove me wrong and win back that television title. Because we both know that Tibby doesn't deserve it, and didn't earn it. Plus, you are actually a nice guy and I want to prove my theory right. Nice guys don't really finish last, they finish in the middle. So if you lose War, which you will, and win the television title, that's about in the middle right? #AlexDontKnowAverages
@realluchadore
@alexsplayground
Something in Spanish.
@alexsplayground
@realluchadore
Sorry, I don't speak Spanish. Now if you spoke Tequila or Corona we could find common ground.
SZR: Um.. Alex, he doesn't speak Spanish. He literally typed something in Spanish.
Alex Richards: I know that Zach but like the real Teo he just doesn't do a lot to keep my attention so I'm choosing to move onto someone else. Maybe someone with more of a chance of winning War.
@alexsplayground
@andrejenson
Anyone can enter War. Last year Gravedigger,Junior entered War. Digger killed him. See, that's the problem. Anyone can enter War but just because you can doesn't mean you should. I mean the Ultimate Destroyer entered War too that doesn't mean anyone thinks he has a chance. But I will give you some credit. At least you actually did some promotion for War. Unlike most of those timid motherfuckers who show up and hope to somehow get lucky. Unfortunately the odds are against you but maybe just maybe you'll make it. Since I entered the WCF approximately 225 people have came to the WCF and then departed. 225 people. The odds are against you lasting the month but those odds you can beat. I did. But the odds of you winning War, those are zero no matter how you look at it.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
I invented twit longer because you know my twit is longer. #ObviousPenisJoke
@shaunzachrichards
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
Do you really have nothing better to do with your time, Steven?
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@shaunzachrichards
Of course I do! And I can prove it! Smell my finger!
@alexsplayground
@shaunzachrichards
Wait a second! If you have time to twit on your phone and then means you have time to get me another coffee! C'mon man, you're slacking! I'm in danger of sobering up! But as for Steven Osbourne he's in a better player on his worst day then the Beach Krew are any day.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
Is that a compliment or an insult? #BeachKrewStoleMyGimmick
Alex looks like he's considering his options when yet another fan of Alex's twitter work walks in approaches the massive Trios champion and hands him a white take out container. Alex opens it and high fives the fan!
Alex Richards: You see that Zach? All I have to do is tweet it and it happens! Chow Mein Sandwich, Cashew chicken.. within the hour it arrives. You know what that proves Zach. All I have to do is tweet it and it comes true! Not only I am the God of the Internet I am also my own Prophet of the Internet! I need to use this to my advantage.
Shaun Zach who has just returned with Alex's latest beverage doesn't seem to believe.
SZR: I think you're getting carried away. The fact you can get free food does not mean you control the internet and can bend it to your will. It probably means you've been drinking too much though.
Alex Richards: Oh ye of little faith. Watch me completely and utterly prove you wrong!
@alexsplayground
Sunday October 4th, mark it on your calendar WCF faithful. Be sure to watch War. Not just to see Seth Lerch cry when the latest guy he's using Joey Flash doesn't get the job done in the main event. Not just to see the Bitch Krew lose all their titles and get crushed in War. But the real reason you should watch is because of the dominant performance by Alex Richards who is not only going to win War but shatter the record for most eliminations in a single War. And when I say shatter, I mean shatter. And with all the beer bottles I've broken I know a lot about shattering stuff. The current record stands at five, watch The Archduke of Mass Confusion not only win War but double the record by eliminating ten! #OneHereICome
Alex Richards: Okay now that I punched my ticket to One and guaranteed to be remembered forever what else should I do?
SZR: Just saying you're going to do it doesn't mean you're guaranteed to do it!
Alex Richards: Yes it does. Every match someone said they were going to win and every match someone wins. So who's to say I'm not the one who's right. I mean there's a better chance of me being right then say..
Alex has obviously thought of someone who he doesn't think is going to be victorious in War and this inspires him to tweet about them. Which leads to this..
@alexsplayground
@vicveneble
I really wish I didn't have to write this. I like you Vic. You stood against the BitchKrew. Anyone who does that is the kind of man I respect. And like me, you're a guy who spent time in jail and turned their life around. I want to see you do well. But the problem is you're not your brother. Frank was a world champion. That's a lot of pressure to live up to. I don't think you can do it. I think that's why you came out last week and boldly proclaimed you were going to win that week, you were going to break the record for most eliminations #ThatsGonnaBeMe, and that you were gonna win War #ThatsGonnaBeMeToo The problem is, you didn't win last week, you didn't win the easiest part of that equation. That's like failing grade 1 and claiming you're a #MENSA candidate. That just don't fly. People would have considered Frank one of the favorites for War and for good reason. But people don't think that about you. And it's also for good reason. Sorry Vic, you're not as good as your brother. But hey I'll give you an invite to my victory party. So there's that. #SilverLining #NotRoySpeede #WonderIfHesShowingUp
Some of Alex's fans have also started drinking leading to the workers at the store exchanging nervous glances towards the ever increasing, ever more rowdy crowd. Alex however is in his element chatting with fans and with his brother Shaun as he continues tweeting.
@alexsplayground
Dustin Beaver
I'll bet you are sick of people wanting to kick your ass because of a certain famous pop star you bare some resemblance to. You can rest easy sir. I am not like that. I want to kick your ass for a different reason. People may not know this but when I'm not wrestling The Archduke enjoys fishing. But if you know ruins fishing? Beavers! They dam up the rivers and keep the fish away? Now I enjoy drinking while I'm fishing but if there's no fish I'm not drinking while fishing I'm just drinking. And if I wanted to drink I would just drink damnit! And how dare you name yourself Dustin Beaver glorifying that horrible, awful, tree destroying, fisherman dream crushing beast! Dustin Beaver I'm going to return the favor! I'm going to crush your dreams of winning War! That horrible pop star who sings Baby who's name I can't remember might just as well enter War because he would have as good a chance of winning as you do! Wait, I remembered his name #BillyRayCyrus that's right you're worse than Billy Ray Cyrus.. so suck it Beaver. That'll learn you to name yourself after the #WorstAnimalEver
Shaun sighs noticing Alex's latest text, noticing he is using the spell checker a lot more. Noticing the fact his fans have started crowd surfing as if they were in a mosh pit.
SZR: You're starting to get drunk aren't you?
Alex Richards: Just starting? I've been working at it all day!
@screamingbarelylegalteen
@alexsplayground
Don't u dare make fun of Dusty! I'm like his biggest fan. He signed my beaver.
@alexsplayground
@screamingbarelylegalteen
People are carrying around beavers now for Dustin to sign? Do you know how dangerous that is? Beavers might look cute with their buck teeth and their flat tails but they are more destructive than you think. Also what type of pen could he possibly use to sign a beaver? Seems like their fur would prevent that.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
I don't think that's the beaver she was talking about. #Muff
Alex reads Steven's tweet then snorts.
Alex Richards: I think I know what a beaver is. But I also know this.. any wrestler who would encourage their fans to do dangerous stuff like carry around a beaver just to get an autograph is the type of guy I want to stop. No, need to stop! Dustin Beaver, you may look like a pop star but you have a dark heart my friend, wanting to see your fans injured. But don't worry fans, I'll protect you by ending the threat that is Dustin Beaver.
Shaun would normally respond but instead he's talking with a blonde hair female fan wearing a Slayer t shirt.
Woman: Don't you normally discourage Alex when he talks like that.
SZR: Normally yes. But it rarely works so I figure I'll try another tactic this week. Ignoring it and hoping he forgets about it.
This is going to work because Alex apparently is sober enough to overhear him.
Alex Richards: So you're pulling a David Sanchez?
SZR: A David Sanchez?
Alex Richards: Ignoring me hoping I forget about you and just go away. That never works!
Woman: So you're like herpes?
Alex Richards: Dude! If anyone is like herpes it's the guy people call dirty sanchez. Sanchez is nowhere near lucky enough that I'll forget about him. He has a title I want, he has a lack of respect for me I want to change, and... well actually that's about all he has. Seems like it's gonna be pretty easy for me don't it? Just as easy as sending this tweet at least.
@alexsplayground
@davidsanchez
Dear David Sanchez, I'm taking your title because you don't deserve it. You have done nothing to prove you do. I'm eliminating you from War because you don't deserve to win that either. The only great thing about you is your ego and your excuses every time you lose. I can't wait to hear your excuse after I win War. #HighComedy
Shaun meanwhile taps Alex on the shoulder.
SZR: I don't mean to alarm you but I think the employees are talking about whether they should call the cops.
Alex Richards: What? I haven't even done anything?
SZR: A couple of your fans just started a carpet fire.
Alex smiles broadly.
Alex Richards: They are my fans aren't they? These are my type of people. These are the type of people I'm going to win War for. The misfits, the oddballs, the rebels, the people just like me. The douche bags have the Beach Krew. The sadists have the Angels of Death, the bikers even have the DRG. I don't know why anyone would want any of those groups. But the people who just want to have fun and damn the consquences, they have me! Those are my people! These are my people! Do you think I'm gonna let them down? Fuck no! I better keep tweeting though before we get kicked out of here.
SZR: That is gonna happen.
Alex Richards: Not before I finish two things, talking about War, and this bottle of Bail-Quila. Nope, doesn't sound any better while hammered. Maybe if I took some pills too..
Alex doesn't take pills fortunately for his readers. He does however return to tweeting.
@alexsplayground
@peopleihaven'tTweetedAbout
You won't read this tweet anyways so why should I bother? It goes without saying you'll be eliminated in War. Maybe by me, maybe by Pantheon, hell maybe by Tyler Walker. But rest assured I didn't talk about you for a reason. Because you suck. You really really suck #WarFiller
@alexsplayground
@legion
You're awaiting the return of NVL. I would rather see the return of Mister Jack Happy. I would ever rather see the return of Anthony Douglas. Okay that's harsh and untrue. But while you're waiting for the return of NVL I'll make this easy on you. By eliminating you from War. So You can do back to your Leibert shrine and worship. It is a holy day in the WCF War, so you can even slaughter the fattened hog. You might enjoy that. You won't enjoy what I did to you though. You picked on the wrong man two weeks ago. I don't forget that easily. In fact I'm fixing to make you require some special needs of your own. For example.. a breathing tube.
Alex decides this is a good time to lit up a cigar before tweeting once again. He's been tweeting a lot. Apparently he added several hundred thousand followers today.
@alexsplayground
@jacksonwhite
You have had two main goals. And you haven't been successful at either. You wanted to be a good wrestler and win a title. You haven't come particularly close to winning a match, nor winning a serious singles match nor well accomplishing much of anything besides making racist remarks. I guess if you want to be best remembered for wanting to kill stupid niggers... well actually that's sad and pathetic that's gonna be your legacy. But you had another goal finding your father's killer. But you haven't done that either. Ever think maybe you should just pick one. Or be smart, focus on finding your father's killer then once you do that focus on your wrestling career? I mean I'm absolutely smashed and I thought of that. Somehow you couldn't? Apparently you aren't content being the longest tenured unsuccessful wrestler, you also want to be the stupidest wrestler in the WCF. And this is a fed with pig farmers, the bitch krew, and guys who won't hit their opponents. That's impressive. I guess. Not good or requiring skill or well much of anything. But at least it's something grasp onto that.
@cartman
@alexsplayground
I killed Kenny and Jackson's father! #RespectMyAuthoritah!
Alex Richards: So apparently in addition to being a better wrestler than The Fenix I'm also a better detective. I mean I got a confession in like 5 seconds. Your welcome Jackson.
SZR: From a fake version of a fictional character.
Alex Richards: Still a confession. You're so negative Zach.
The crowd which has now filled the store gives Shaun a round of boos. Alex then takes a bow which gets him a round of cheers.
SZR: You know this can only end badly.
Alex Richards: You keep saying that. I keep landing on my feet. Aren't you tired of being wrong? You sound like everyone other guy who thinks he's gonna win War. Speaking of which..
@alexsplayground
@jayomega, Jeff Purse
Final three baby! I mean is there ever a doubt? Are they three more talented men in War then the Trios champions? I think #Not I just wanted to be the first to invite you guys to my victory party at the #StrangeRover I know you guys are gonna be disappointed I'm winning War instead of you so you can take it out on the supply of top shelf liquor I'm supplying. #IUsedPricesPantheonMastercardAgain #DamnThatThingHasAHighLimit #AlexRichardsIsWinningWar #IuseHashTagsBetterThanTheBitchKrew #BitchKrewSucksPantheonRules #StrangeWarWinner
SZR: What about the new trainees in Pantheon. Two of them are in War and you haven't said a word about them.
Alex Richards: I knew you were useful Zach! Well besides getting me coffee. Which by the way..
SZR: Yeah... yeah.. I'm going.
Shaun chuckles and wrings out the mat beside Alex's station where he has repeated tossed the portion of the coffee he replaces with booze into Alex's cup and hands it back to him. Alex doesn't notice so intent on typing.
@alexsplayground
@guntherblythe
As a almost welcome to being a finalist for Pantheon I was going to trash talk in German. Then I realized I don't know German and I'm either too lazy or too drunk to look it up online. Fortunately I know lots of Arnold Schwarzenegger movie quotes so that's basically the same thing right? So Gunther come with me if you want to live. Besides I can use someone to watch my back for a bit anyways. And Pantheon rookies seem to fit the bill. I mean in the end I'm going to have to eliminate you but if you stick with me you might outlast Dexter. But when we do face off remember these words of wisdom. You've seen those movies where they say "Make my day." or "I'm your worst nightmare.", well listen to this one. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Yeah I know you're afraid. But being a member of Pantheon will make it worth it. We have awesome parties. After all How do you Soviets deal with stress?"
"Vodka" Wait, we aren't even Soviet. Maybe I've been drinking more than I thought. But remember Gunther you might think you're bad but you're a fucking choir boy compared to me. A choir boy! I live to see you eat that contract! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist, because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamn spine! Just kidding man. I know that's a little over the top. But seriously You'll be back but I'll be the #Winner.
Alex Richards: Now about Dexter...
@alexsplayground
@dexterradcliffe
If you said you were a Harry Potter fan I would have been rooting against you. I'm already considering rooting against you because I checked. All that great television programming I saw in your interview earlier in the week. I totally couldn't find any of it on my tv! But you're a finalist for the Pantheon cut so I know you're an honest man. So how about after I win War you show me to find those awesome new television shows.
@jerseylawyers
@alexsplayground
Can you please give me the contact information from Mister Radcliffe? I represent the legal counsel for the members of the former Jersey Shore cast members. We believe they have a strong case for defamation of character due to Mr. Radcliffe's portrayal of The Beach Krew as member of the Jersey Shore.
@alexsplayground
@jerseylawyers
On one hand Snookie is far more talented then any member of the Bitch Krew, or all of them combined. You have no idea how sad that sounds either. On the other hand.. do you really think I'm going to turn over a potential Pantheon brother to some lawyer? Fuck you!
@alexsplayground
@dexterradcliffe
You owe me Dex. I just saved you a shit load of money. Now I'm not gonna feel so bad if I have to beat you up en route to winning War. #Sorry #NotReally
Alex takes another break from typing to talk to Shaun Zach who also appears to be on the phone.
Alex Richards: Fuck you. What type of a lame catch phrase would that be? I mean anyone who just uses a tired, overused curse word instead of a real catch phrase is a sad, sad person aren't they? I mean how uncreative is that? I mean what type of lame wrestler would use Fuck You as their catch phrase.
SZR: Night Rider.
Alex Richards: Guess that makes sense. I mean if you stole your name from an 80s tv show why not steal your catch phrase from pop culture right?
SZR: Is swearing pop culture?
Alex Richards: I say it is so it must be so. I'll bet Night Rider is some no namer no one respects. I mean his former tag team partner Jeff Purse doesn't have a particularly high opinion of him. He joined Pantheon but when Night Rider wanted him to join the Angels of Death he very wisely said no. I'll bet everyone else did the same right?
SZR: Actually the Angels of Death have four active members?
Alex Richards: Seriously? Now that's just sad. Almost as sad as the fact I have to tweet Night Rider in spite of the fact he has zero chance of victory. The sacrifices you have to make when you want to win War. I'm telling you War truly is Hell. Trying to reason with people who think Fuck You is like the best insult ever..
Alex shakes his head and returns to his mission.
@alexsplayground
Night Rider
So the leader of the Angels of Death is back. And John Gable is gone. There is no justice in the world is there? Well you were gone you may have noticed Denise D'Evil flirting with Thomas Bates. I would think you might be upset about that considering the shit she gave you for having a female manager. I guess that kind of teamwork is gonna keep you guys being the #WorstStableInTheWCF Pantheon meanwhile not only is the beat stable, we have the trios titles to prove we're the best team. And At War we'll have the victor. But while I'm celebrating you can always take comfort in the fact you have your pointless biker war with the DRG. It's the little things right Night Rider?
@alexsplayground
@denisedevil
You're not going to win War, and everyone knows it. So I figured I would be nice and save you the trouble. You might think I'm asking you to save me the trouble too but I'm not. I'll enjoy tossing you over the top rope at War. I have to get those record breaking ten eliminations somewhere. You're a vital part of that Denise. Unlike with the Angels of Death where there are no vital parts. But about that favor I said I was gonna do for you. Well everyone knows Thomas Bates is a giant. But rumor has it he's not giant all over if you get what I'm saying. At least that's what my buddy Steven Osbourne said.
@supersexyboogeymanslayer
@alexsplayground
Dude! Not cool revealing your source like that! Now people are gonna think I'm gay again and kill my action.
@alexsplayground
@denisedevil
That comment by my buddy Steve is more interesting then the whole Angels of Death. You guys are not winning War. Not even close. But like I gave you good advice for Bates, I'll also give you good advice for War. Aim for top 25. With there being at least 50 people in there that's something right? #AnotherSilverLining #StillNotRoySpeede
@alexsplayground
oblivion
You used to be scary. Now you're the WCF's version of the monster mash. I'm sorry Obi, really I am. But you did it to yourself. What exactly has the monster done lately? Brain washed Spencer Adams? Licked blood off of Doug Murdoch's lackey? These are not the actions of a monster, they are the actions of the Disney movie monster. What happened Oblivion? Have you gone soft? Have you lost your motivation? You have grown old and your monster teeth have fallen out. I hope so Oblivion because the fact you are a mere shell of your former self is revenge for your victims. I'm gonna help them as well by getting rid of you, just like I did at the Ultimate Showdown. The last time you qualified. From Ultimate Showdown, from being a world champion, to being a follower. How far can you fall?
Alex has finished tweeting about the AOD and looks to Shaun who is still on the phone.
Alex Richards: Dude, it's rude to be on the phone while I'm tweeting.
SZR: How is that rude?
Alex Richards: I'm writing down gold! You should be appreciating it dude!
SZR: I'm calling your lawyer.
Alex Richards: Why?
SZR: Um.. the near riot in the store?
Alex Richards: You mean the small fire?
SZR: Or the two guys who just came in and started sledge hammering the walls. Why do your fans do this?
Alex Richards: Because they are my fans. They are doing quite the job on this place though. Our time might be close to running out. I better hurry.
Alex looks angrier, thinking of his next tweet.
@alexsplayground
@thebeachkrew
I always talk about you guys collectively. You know why? Because none of you are worth anything on your own. You stick together because you have to. It's the only way you can do anything. Because of this I hope one of you bring Hacksaw Jim Thuggin to ringside with you. I want to honor the memory of the Scarecrow just reliving the moment where he gave Jim a savage beating by doing it again. Think his moronic predictions saw that coming? Wade Moron, you had better hope against all odds that Zombie McMorris is better than you and wins the Internet Title. Because I will be coming for it if you win. I will not allow a member of the Bitch Krew to have MY title. Anymore than I will allow a member of the BitchKrew to win War. But really that shouldn't be too hard to accomplish. You really have only two real wrestlers anyways. Los Tiberones and Moron. I may think I forgot Kyle Kemp. I didn't, everyone forgets Kyle Kemp because if he was really better than everyone why would he have joined the Bitch Krew exactly. I know you guys are gonna stick together. That's just going to make it more sweet when Pantheon picks you off one by one by one until only you Wade is left. Then the real fun begins. You guys just want to win War. I want to win War and hurt each and every one of you if I can. That makes me a danger to you. Especially considering my back up. This is your first War, all of you, and it will also be your last.
SZR: Someone brought a chainsaw? Why are your fans cheering and chainsawing desks? Where did the staff go?
Alex Richards: They were only here to serve me coffee. So I told them to go. I'm out of Bail-Quila. Yeah, that still sounds awful. As awful as a member of the Beach Krew winning War. Or Wade winning the Internet Title. You know who I blame for that right...
Alex continues to calmly tweet as his fans decimate the store behind him. Some of them cheering on Alex's tweets, others chanting some of his statements on the day, almost all doing some sort of damage.
@alexsplayground
@zmac
I blame you. I want you to know this. I'm blaming you when Wade Moron wins the Internet Title. So you had better not let it happen. Because that match happens before War and I'll be watching. I blame you because you claim to be the greatest Internet Competitor of all time. If that's the case you should be able to easily handle Wade shouldn't you? I know your boast about being the greatest internet title competitor isn't true. I would even rank Jayson Price ahead of you. But I'd let that slide for now if you could beat Wade. But you won't. So I'll have to take some of that frustration out on you in War. With how you've been performing lately you don't want that. You definitely don't want that. All I've seen from you lately is the same repetitive non sense over and over. Is that your game plan for the internet title match or for War? Do the same thing over and over until someone catches on. Because I'm not going to lie. That might work for a few minutes in the internet title match, Wade is pretty dumb, but in War you won't last 5 minutes. Unless I make it last five minutes because I'm pissed... at you. Spoiler Alert, I'll make it last. Quick pointer from the real God of the internet. The trumpet picture? Not that amusing. Now if it were a picture of you blowing a trumpet then you might have something. Zombie blowing a trumpet.. that's money. Took me two seconds to top you in the internet title match. War isn't gonna be much different.
Alex has to pick up his computer and move it as another monitor whizzes by crashing against the wall.
Deranged Fan: I like Zombie memes!
Alex Richards: Who's cartoons were better. Colin Marshall or Ice Beckman?
Deranged Fan: Colins! Obviously!
Alex Richards: It's official. He's a zombie.
Alex takes the fan down with a big boot to the skull then tosses him through the front window.
Alex Richards: Even McMorris' fans are stupid. And about as easy to beat as he is. Now where were we?
SZR: You just assaulted a man. Broke a window and...
Alex Richards: Hey, this is about War Zach. Gotta remain focused. If I can keep my focus this well while drunk what chance does anyone have against me while I'm sober on Sunday? None at all of course!
So Alex tries to prove his point by continuing the tweets.
@alexsplayground
livewire
I liked you better as the Livewire, Gemini. Remember the good, old days. When you used to earn world title shots. Sure you didn't win but at least you tried. And to be honest you had a better chance at winning the title than Thomas Bates did. Because that's what you do now. You used to be a leader of men, or at least lead yourself. Now you blindly follow Bates. You let him lead you. And how is he doing as a leader? What has Bates ever done for you? He lead you down the wrong path. He made you help him and offered nothing in return. Last year you made the top ten at War. This year you will not. I hope you realize what teaming with Bates cost you. I hope you find your way. I'll do my part in helping you realize your mistake. Because if we meet I will eliminate you. #YourWelcome #OnlyTryingToHelp #DRGWillNotWinWar
@graysonsgf
@alexsplayground
I liked him better as Grayson Pierce too #ImLonely
Alex turns towards Shaun perhaps for the last time.
Alex Richards: Even Grayson's former fiance likes the old him better. Did Thomas Bates do anything positive for any member of the DRG besides himself? How do they not realize how selfish he is. How the only reason behind the DRG is to help Thomas Bates. I would feel quility about rubbing it in but Bates doesn't care about anything except his own pride so this is my pleasure.
@alexsplayground
@thomasbates
I've been verbally running you down for the last few months. I hope the fact we took your titles finally got your attention. You know what the sad thing is? Even before the trios match you were still only focused on War. Still only focused on yourself. That's your thing Bates. Your only thing. You're not a leader of a stable. You want to be the leader of a cult. Everyone who has come into contact with you, how has bought into your vision has been rewarded the same way.
Shaun taps Alex on the shoulder obviously taking noticed the two Tulsa police officers who have started ushering people from the now totaled building.
SZR: I think it's time we go.
Alex Richards: And not finish my last tweet. I almost think you're the drunk one!
Alex returns to writing unfazed.
Their reward? Their careers have been ruined. If they were lucky. Their lives may have been ruined! Do you think there's a coincidence besides Thomas Bates only one man has held a singles title. Spencer Adams, after he was smart enough to leave you guys! Bates, I'm going to do all your charges a favor they don't deserve. I'm going to bust up your cult and finally expose you at War. You don't have your trios titles, your membership keeps shrinking. There is only one way that would save you. Winning War. I will not let that happen. #DRGIsDead
The obviously senior police a largish man with salt and pepper hair approaches Alex.
Police Officer: Mister Richards, the area is clear.
SZR: What?
Alex grins delighting in having tricked Shaun as usual.
The police escort Alex and Shaun out as Alex uses his Paul E Dangerously model retro modified phone to help him explain.
Alex Richards: I thought I told you to pay attention to my tweets Zach.
SZR: I did. But.. yeah I don't have a clue.
Alex Richards: The very first tweet.. oh right.. you were getting me a coffee.
SZR: You did that on purpose you son of a bitch.
Alex Richards: Had to have my fun.
Alex shows Shaun his first text.
@alexsplayground
ATTENTION TULSA AND SURROUNDING AREA! THE ARCHDUKE OF MASS CONFUSION NEEDS YOUR HELP TO CELEBRATE WAR! ON SUNDAY OCTOBER 4TH ALEX RICHARDS WILL DEMOLISH 49 OTHER MEN EARNING THE VICTORY IN WAR! TODAY ALEX RICHARDS WILL DEMOLISH THE NET ROOM IN TULSA OKLAHOMA! COME AND JOIN IN THE FUN!
Alex Richards: You see Zach, this is how you celebrate winning War. With a grand gesture of destruction! A grand statement that shows you mean business!
SZR: So you set this up?
Alex Richards: This place went under a month ago. They paid me to destroy it. That's pretty sweet huh? Sometimes things just fall into place. Just like they will in War. Everyone else has a plan, everyone else thinks they know how it's going to end. But the Archduke... this is his game, this is his time, this is his plan. And all their dreams about winning War? Going to end in an explosion. Kind of like this building. But since I did have my fun with you and I do appreciate what you do for me. Want to help me blow this place up?
SZR: Fuck yeah I do! Normally only you get to break stuff! I'm missing out
Alex gestures towards the detonator half a block away.. Alex's fans continue to cheer, now from a safe distance thanks to the police, as the brothers Richards approach, each put a hand on the plunger and press down ending the scene and toppling the building in a loud...
BOOOOOOOOOOM
RUBBLE!
FADE TO BLACK!
