War Character Study/LOL/Explinations
Oct 4, 2015 13:17:49 GMT -5
Alex Richards and Rico Rojas like this
Post by Jeff Purse on Oct 4, 2015 13:17:49 GMT -5
We join Jeff sitting at the top of his half pipe as we have seen him many times before. There is no time to be descriptive here, I didn't leave myself enough time to be descriptive. Because of that, we jump right into what he has to say about War.
Jeff Purse: War. War is a special, special time for me. Thats because I won it. Thats right, I won it. Do I talk about that enough? No? Ok I will say it again, I have won War. Now I know, I know that, you know, there are many of you in this match who have been in WCF longer than me, or just as long as me, or have been in the same amount of War matches as me, and you know, haven't won War. To you, I say HA HA. No but seriously, seriously, I know I talk about winning War all the time. You know why? Because its a mother fucking accomplishment. How many of you have ever out lasted the entire roster? Huh? All I hear is birds cheeping, because its only me. Out of anyone listed to be in this match, there is ONE man who has already won it. Me. Not you, Oblivion. Not you, Zombie. No, not even you, Omega.
No the only person who has ever won the War match out of the guys who are listed to be in it is me. So yeah, I am going to make a big fucking deal about it. You know why? Because I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THIS MATCH WHO HAS EVER WON IT BEFORE!!! I am the only one who knows what it feels like to win this fucking match! Of course I am going to talk about it a lot. Not only did I win War, it was my FIRST War. The first War that I had ever been in, I won the fucking thing. I've never been a 'braggart', but you know what, I have the fucking credentials to brag about this. I don't care what anyone of you say. Talk about me all you want, the point is, I have won this match and none of you haven't...na na na na boo boo. And that goes for you too, Omega.
Jeff takes his sunglasses off as the sun is starting to set. Did I mention that he was wearing his trademark Aviator sunglasses? I didn't. Sorry about that. Just deal with it though, I am trying to break this shit up. Ok, so Jeff took his sunglasses off and clipped them to his white tee shirt, with the words The Future written across in blue jagged, lightning bolt letters. Uh oh yall, tis the start of WAR: CHARACTER STUDY!!! OH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! Anyway, cut back to Jeff sitting on his half pipe running his hand through his hair.
Jeff Purse: So here we are. Before the match, and everyone has something to say about me and Pantheon. So lets start there. Dexter Radcliff, my boy and shoo in to win The Cuttheon. Dex aka the Dex the Sexasaurus Rex. You are a BEAST my friend...however, don't get yourself too big for your britches. I am excited for you man, and I know that you are going to wipe the floor with Gunther. You are much better than him. However, you are not even close to being as good as I am. Just keep watching kid, you will get there.
By the way, I like the pants you have chosen, I mean you are missing my face, but I think thats for the best. They look ridiculous man. You have those guys faces all over them. Can't you just wear plain black? They are too freaking busy. Too much going on in a small part of your pants. Expand it at least. You either have very busy, or you have boring and usual. Or symmetrical patterns. You can't just have a lot of stuff going on on your shin, then nothing on your knee, then something COMPLETELY different on your thigh. Come on man, get with it.
I like you Dex, I think you have potential. However, I will not even come close to hesitating to whoop your ass and eliminate you in this match. Not because I don't like you, and not because I don't think you are good enough to win this match, but most because that is the breaks, kid. You come in, you want to compete, great, I am really glad you are doing that, but now comes the new lesson. I rule War. There are no friends in War. Plus, it would be a good learning experience for you to get in the ring with me and your fellow Pantheon...onians. Because we will give you what you deserve in that ring...everything we got.
Jeff smiles and cracks his knuckles. Not to look tough or anything, just cause he needs a knuckle crack. Any kind of badassery this might have caused is coincidental. He decided to go on...
Jeff Purse: Which brings me to, and yes I am doing the 'which brings me to' segue, Wade Moore. Wade is a special kind of fucked up. Wade Moore may be or may not be responsible for the death of a very, very good friend of mine. I don't care what anyone says, I still suspect him. Him and his stupid troupe of guys who chug beer by a beach fire, smash it on their head, then compare dick sizes. And just so you know, that isn't a gay joke, its just weird that that is something that they do.
No, I am referring to when Wade thought it was wise to talk about how him and his friends in 'BeachKrew' don't fight each other because blah blah blah they are all best friends and blah blah blah. Nobody cares about your stupid fucking 'honor code' or whatever the fuck you want to call it, I don't care. Because the truth isn't that you guys are all such good friends you don't want to fight each other. No, because 'bros' like you guys are always wrestling around, arguing, fighting, life is like one giant pissing match for you and your BeachKrew brethren.
No here is the dirty little secret about why you and your 'boys' don't fight each other...because you guys are scared. Thats right you beach bums. You are so scared that if you jump in the ring with Andre or Kemp or god forbid your leader Tiburnobodycares, you are going to lose. With Pantheon, we don't give two shits who is going to win, of course its me, Alex and Omega are crazy if they think they are winning War, but we don't give two shits about wins and losses when it comes to wrestling your buddies. All that matters is that you respect each other enough to give the other person the fucking fight of their life.
Jeff takes his shoe off and shakes a rock out. That was annoying.
Jeff Purse: The same goes for you Los white guy who likes to destroy the gimmick of a respected group of wrestlers called Luchadores. Tiburdumbname. Los Tiberascal. Los Tibusuckatwrestling. I could go on, and while I enjoy the word play Los Tryasyoumightbutyouareterrible, I am not a comedian, I am a wrestler. Lets say, just for arguments sake, that you and Wade are the last two fuckers in the ring? What, are you guys just going to refuse to fight? You know what that means, don't you? Fuck, lets say that Seth even lets you two get away with it, because Seth is a bastard, then it will be a three way at One. Or, you two have a one on one for number one contender.
You can't free bird the fucking World title. You know what else you can't freebird, the TV title. You got that little belt wrapped around your waist pretty fucking tight, right? The belt that was created for...hmm...what was it again? Veterans? No, no, not veterans. Oh, right, people who have fought a number of matches and have earned their place on the roster! No, wait, that isn't it. OH! I got it! Its for NEW PEOPLE! New people get chances at that belt. So you need to stop running around here acting like you have been here forever buddy. Its ok to admit you are new and inexperienced.
And I will expose that in War. Its simple as that my friend, I am going to make you look like a fucking fool. I know, you have a big win over Teo Del Sol, which is such a talented, great wrestler. Fact is, Tibs, you aren't better than Teo. You got lucky. It happens to everyone. Everyone gets on a hot streak and gets lucky, picks up a few wins, acts like they are the number one bad guy around, but the truth is, you have gotten a stretch of luck that is about to run out at War. First, Teo is going to stomp you for the TV title, then I am going to stomp you in War. Maybe Omega. Omega will stomp you at War, and then I will stomp Omega. I have people to do my stomping for me, thats how good I am.
Jeff chortles at his quips. He felt his quips were pretty fun. So what if you don't? Back to Jeff!
Jeff Purse: Lets continue down this BeachKrew train of garbage shall we? I mean, we covered the two main guys, right? Wade and Tibugly as the top two rings in this six ring circus of pure and utter shit, who is the third circle? OH RIGHT, its RICO AQUARIUS! No, wait, sorry, ANDRE ROJAS! Wait a minute...what is it...? Eh, who cares? Who even really knows? Do you guys know? All of you are interchangeable. I like Andre Rojas though, it gives the feel of a spanish guy who is a really, really bad wrestler. Now, its true, I don't know the difference between the two of you. But I suppose that doesn't matter, right?
No, I am supposed to talk about how much better I am than you two. But here is the truth, I have not cared about anyone in Beach Krew, and the only ones who really get any television time, or any recognition at all is Tiburonithesanfransiscotreat and Wade. Wade because of that terrible match with Crow, and Tiburonlyhasonetesticle because he owns a title. So your 'alien' of a 'manager' things that you BeachKrew fella's are talented because you have two titles, the TV and the Peoples. But you want to know something?
When Pantheon first formed, we all had titles. Jonny Fly had the World title, I had the US title, and Phantasm had the People's title. You guys have two. TWO! Moore, as much as he thinks he is, is not a champion. He is a loser. Like you Rico Aquarius. Like you. I really just have nothing really to say to you two, because you guys are so damn interchangeable I honestly don't know the difference between ya. I think one of you keeps calling 'holmes' or something on Twitter and threatening me in weird text that you try to make sound Spanish through a computer.
Jeff slides down the half pipe so he is laying down at the bottom looking up at the sky which is no almost completely dark.
Jeff Purse: Which brings me to Kyle Kemp. Ex football star...or wait, was it basketball...er...BASEBALL! Thats right, it was baseball. Let me ask you a question Kemp...you couldn't hack it as a baseball player so you came to wrestling to see if you could hack it? Who does that. Baseball is way less contact than wrestling. I will admit that coming from riding BMX doesn't really translate over to wrestling, but at least before I left the world of extreme sports, I had accomplished everything I wanted to in that world. I won a lot of medals, I won enough races to reach immortality in that world, and I have my own brand of accessories that has helped make me a very, very wealthy man, if I do say so myself.
But you, Kemp, you just sucked. You were a bad baseball player so you decided, I know, lets try something new on the off chance that I am good at that. Well you aren't. So lets see if there is something that your skill set is a little better suited for. Oh, and don't worry about sending the bill for the help with the career advice, I help because I care. I care about wrestling, that is, not about Kyle Kemp. You being around really makes the one thing in my life I love more than life itself terrible and not enjoyable. Everyone start of the show, I have to watch some dumb guy whose only record he could have set in the MLB was most strikeouts and most errors fuck up my passion. No. So, lets see...
You could be a Broadway actor. You might be good at that. You are a good enough looking fellow to make it somewhat big...maybe not Broadway but surely you can make it in off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway. But, lets face it, you are way to boring for you to really make it as an actor. You could be a toothpaste model. There you go. I got it. You have white enough teeth, a good smile, thats about all you need to have to do well at that, right? Because you aren't smart, I mean you joined up with BeachKrew...that shows low intelligence. Lets see...you aren't quite athletic enough to do anything else in sports. Basically, Kemp, you are useless. I think the best career move for you Kemp is retiring and moving to the mountains where you can't get on anybody's nerves and you can't suck at everything you do...of course if you moved to the mountains you would suck at living in the mountains.
Blah blah blah description to break up people Jeff is talking about.
Jeff Purse: Sandy Coconuts. Really? I mean…really? I don’t think so. That is…I am not even going to. Why should I waste my time on someone like Sandy Coconuts. I have over forty people to talk about and I have to waste my time with someone like Sandy Coconuts. Nope. Just…pass.
Jeff gets up and begins to walk to his house.
Jeff Purse: I have to go wait on Kari since she is pregnant still. She can’t really do much since the surgery…its time for her feeding, haha. On my walk here we will do a speed round. A bunch of people in the match I don’t feel more than a minute or so of my time. Because, you know, there is no way Adam Young is going to win this match.
Lets start with Adam Young. The mouth from the south. The one guy who has consistently lost since I have joined. Also, one of the guys who beat me for the TV title. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about that. You got me on a night that I just wasn’t performing correctly. I hope you hold that title run close to your heart, Adam, because it wasn’t that long and it was luck. All luck. Its unfortunate that everyone understands that you and your seemingly never ending stream of team mates will never actually amount to anything in this company except you. Bro, get some fucking talent, ok? Do something worthwhile and then come and talk to me. I mean something more worthwhile then winning on flukes and blinding challenging people who just…mountains better than you. How did you even get a fucking contract? I don’t usually say this lightly, but Adam Young, you suck. You suck so very hard. Biggest jobber in the War match again, I suppose.
Biohazard and Tyler Walker have a friendship that transcends space and time. Not quite as strong as the Nerdsmashers, but a pretty strong friendship. It’s a shame that they just won’t have the energy to win this match, what with fighting space demons as a werewolf and an oozer…their celebrations of their space wins will tire them out too much for any serious competition on their part. Seriously thought guys, its legal now, you don’t have to hide it anymore. If you just came out, I think it would help your careers greatly, and nobody would care…except…no I don’t think anyone would. Jonny Fly MIGHT get jealous, but hey, that comes with the territory, right Tyler?
Ultimate Destroyer? More like…Ultimate Desgonnalosewar. So I am not creative all the time. The main point here is that Ultimate Destroyer is what, maybe A win better than Adam Young….maybe? The only problem with him is he thinks he is this Destroyer of Ultimate proportions, but in all reality, he is a loser of Ultimate proportions. I came back after almost a year of inactivity, save for a match here and there, and Omega and I whipped him and Jackson White’s ass. What makes you think you can outlast everyone in the fed if you can’t even beat me and Omega?
Jackson White same question? You think that you can outlast everyone and cement your name in history, when all your history says is that you are really good at losing matches? Come one. You are best taking a little break because of girls and other jobs…maybe school, rather than competing in this match. “Fenix” or not, there is no way you are ‘soaring’ high in this match, you will be ‘grounded’ and you will be grounded by me. That is a fact, Jackson, a fact.
The next couple I am going to group together. Marcus Peters, Joseph Vacher, Hunter Thompson, L.A. Kush, Jeff Danger, Bad News Benson. You are all too new to even think about winning War. L.A. Kush…a guy like that just joined the fed? We need better standards here. Hunter Thompson sounds like one of Adam Youngs never ending supply of boneheads. Marcus Peters, what a very plain name for I am sure a very plain person. Bad News Benson sounds like a gimmick infringement. Jeff Danger, if you are going to have the same name as me, make it unique, don’t put ‘Danger’ after it…that makes it look stupid…and my name isn’t stupid. Also, Andre Jenson, go LARP somewhere else, this isn’t fantasy, this is real life, you can’t hang. Patrilli, why don’t you just forget about War, like you seemingly have forgotten everything else in your life. This is the ‘new breed’? WCF is in trouble if these are the guys we have to work with. Like, a lot of trouble. I haven’t seen this many losers since Joey Flash came in and was enough ego for 10 fucking douchebags.
Gunther Blythe. You are Corey’s guy for The Cutheon. Congratulations on making it this far. To make it this far in something as prestigious as The Cutheon is quite an accomplishment. However, my friend, this is as far as you go. Dexter is going to blow you the fuck away. Which is crazy, you, who have trained with Corey Black, and believe me I know what its like to train with Corey Black, you are going to get destroyed by a fan boy. I think that is pretty funny. A guy who is going to get beat by a fan boy thinks he has what it takes to WIN WAR? No. That just isn’t a realistic thing, there, Gunther. Corey is a great teacher, but there is nothing you can do to win. Dexter is going to destroy you, and then I am going to eliminate Dexter, right after I eliminate Omega.
Derek Morano…I don’t know who that is. I think he lost to Los Tiburcantwinamatchtosavehislife. And if that is the case…I mean…come on.
Billy is a really good, talented wrestler who has an actual shot at winning War.
Jeff bursts out laughing.
Jeff Purse: I couldn’t even pretend for five seconds. I know I said this already about others, but seriously, what the hell is Billy doing here? He won the ‘Taco Bowl’ so that makes him qualified to actually compete. Bring back his friend, John Barber. John Barber was a good wrestler. John Barber had the stamina and charisma to make it a long time in War. Billy is going to get in the ring and wrestle for five minutes and need to take a break. Billy, seriously, why are you here? Do you have something you want to prove? Something you actually want to do other than eat all the hot cakes you can? Come on, get real man. Here is how I am going to deal with Billy…I am going to run in a circle around him until he gets so tired, he passes out. Then I will pin him. It will be one of the easiest eliminations, second only to how I will eliminate Jay Omega.
Everybody says that I have out grown the squared circle, that I am past my prime at 29. Because I have been in the federation for 4 years that means that I am ready to retire. I think they get confused with the fact that I did more in the first year I was here than most of them will do in their entire career. Looking at you Joey Flash. Looking at you Los Tiburcantwrestle. Looking at all of BeachKrew, actually. Looking at most people on the roster. But one person who this statement is actually true about, one person who just needs to hang it up now…Torture.
Torture, come on man. You have had a great, great career, but it has to be tough to be the Hulk Hogan of WCF. I mean, right? When a Torture match comes on, I know it’s a good time to go to the bathroom and take a big ol’ shit, because that’s what Torture does constantly to television. He shits all over the ring, he is shitting all over the Hardcore title, which is another reason I am not gunning for it…He also shits all over the new talent that is actually worthwhile…like Marc Mayhem, who will be back. Torture has done nothing in like, five years to better this company, yet he still gets treated like the fucking golden boy. How fucked up is that? Torture isn’t a big draw anymore Seth. He isn’t a money maker anymore. Maybe at one time, he was the man whose shoulders could hold the company up, but the guy hasn’t had a real match in months, and you just let him gallivant around with that title like its some kind of joke. That is Omega’s title. And he will win it back Tort, and you will be left dumbfounded.
Cormack and Conall. The MacNeill clan, or however you say it. First mistake guys, picking a name that was hard to say. You need something catch. My real name is Jeff Purse. Jeffery, actually. Jeffery Purse. And it is catchy and easy to remember. Cormack, you were around before, and you couldn’t get the job done before, I remember whooping that ass…so you brought in a friend…isn’t that special? What happened to your other friends? The only one worth mentioning I suppose is Caliban. And he is Caligone again. I assume you will probably be right behind him in no time, though. You and Conall will realize, again, that you just don’t belong among the WCF elite and you will be gone as soon as you got here. Just be warned, come back a third time, I will have to embarrass the hell out of you. Again.
Jeff has reached the back porch of his house now. He climbs the stairs as the motion sensor light pops on. He jumps a bit, not because the light scared him, but because a spider jumped out at him. He stomped it pretty damn good. He should be a good guy, and maybe good guys don't brutally murder spiders, but seriously, its a spider, so fuck that guy. Anyway, he enters his house through the back door.
Jeff Purse: Continuing this talk about the shit show that is the WCF roster, its time to talk about everybody's faux pop star. Now, don't get me wrong Beavs, I am a Beavliver more so than the teenage girls that you are targeting. Of course, I am a fan of yours like I was a fan of Scoutmaster. The ridiculousness that spews out of you is just too much fun to not watch over and over again on YouTube. So what is it, huh? Why is it that you decided that because impersonating pop stars didn't work out for you, you would join a wrestling federation and do well? Why is it that everything thinks they can do this? I know, I know, I rode BMX before this...but that was never a dream. I trained and trained and wrestled in high school and college. Wrestling has been my life since I was five years old. Go back to the stage, boy, this place isn't for you.
Vic. Vic, Vic, Vicky Vick. I don't think I have offered you a good clean welcome back since you came back. Well, let me do that now, so that I don't forget later. Welcome back Vic. I am so glad you are here. Here is the thing, though, Vic, why you? Why you and not Franky? Because here is the dirty little secret, Franky is much, much, much better than you. Thats coming from me, a guy who hated that little twerp. Oh sure, we teamed together for a little bit in Cryogenix, the biggest failure since Polar Phantasm tried to assemble everyone together for a poker game, but conveniently invited a bunch of people I hate to my house, I couldn't stand that BOUDLE! In fact, Vic, that quality probably runs in the family. So if Franky is a boudle, what does that make you Vic? Oh, right, of course, a SUPER BOUDLE! Have fun getting eliminated by Omega, the guy I am going to eliminate quicker than you can say "DAMN, JEFF PURSE JUST ELIMINATED OMEGA!"
Jeff opened the fridge and grabbed some left overs from the fridge, stuffed cabbage. He put the container down on the counter and went to the cupboard for a plate.
Jeff Purse: Legion, where the fuck is Nathan? Cause seriously, its starting to get on my nerves. Its not getting in my head in terms of "oh no Nathan is playing games with my head, I mean, seriously, he really has no access to my head. I just want to know, you brought him up, and then nothing. There is no sign of Nathan even. Which leads me to believe that you are a fucking liar. You are a pathological, pig fucking liar. Well congratulations Legion, you got in my head with threats of someone you probably don't even know. So go fuck yourself Legion. Because your stupid little tactic worked. Yeah, give yourself a round of applause. But I am gonna tell you what you son of a bitch, there will be punishment and retribution. I am not only going to eliminate your sorry ass from this match, but I am going to whoop your ass so bad that you are going to regret ever leaving the farm, farm boy. You don't even know the fucking pain that I am going to inflict on you.
AWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO! AH AH AH AWOOOOOOOOOOO!! Do you know what I actually know about Wolf? They travel in packs. Some species of wolves only live in the United States in forests and other areas where animals are plentiful for them to consume due to their dietary needs. You may be surprised to find that they can consume up to 20 pounds of meat in a single feeding. Holy shit, I bet you were surprised to find that out. The Gray Wolf is the one most people are familiar with. They can be all colors and range in size depending on where they happen to reside. The Himalayan Wolf is a subspecies of the Gray Wolf. This is a fairly new species to have been identified. The wolf is thought to be an ice age survivor, dating wolves around 300,000 years ago. The wolf is accepted to be the ancestor of the domestic dog as the wolf is thought to have selectively bred in order to breed appealing traits typical of puppies and to eliminate the not so appealing traits of adult wolves. And finally, one of my favorite songs features the word wolf, AWOOO WEREWOLVES IN LONDON! Of course, that is a werewolf. Professor Lupin in Harry Potter is also a werewolf. Oh, but, what do I know about Wolf, the wrestler? Not a damn thing. Not one. Maybe he likes Metallica based on his theme song...maybe.
Jeff throws the stuffed cabbage in the microwave, heating up the food that Kari would soon be eating.
Jeff purse: Zombie McMorris. I am going to do my best Zombie McMorris impression.
Jeff takes out his phone and begins to pretend to post things on the WCF message boards, laughing at the garbage that Zombie posts on the internet that he thinks is funny but is really just a bunch of garbage.
Jeff Purse: Moving on from Zombie McMorris, Occulo. Occulo had such a good run when he was here before. He was the US champion, he had the world in front of him. He could have done anything. He could have gone on to match Jay Price as someone who has held every title in the WCF. He could have won the World Title with ease. If not Dune to beat Ice Beckman, Occulo definitely had the talent. Seriously, no sarcasm here, Occulo could have done it all. He was like Joey Flash, except he actually had talent. Like, the better, more deserving version of Joey Flash. But he just, he just left. I was a fan Occulo, and you just left me and your other fans high and dry. We all really wanted big things from you, and you let each and everyone of us down. Now I know, I know, as a more veteran member of the roster, I like to see the newer, talented talent succeed. But you fucked that up for yourself. Sorry bubs. You made your own bed, now you must sleep in it.
The microwave dings and Jeff popped open the door. He grabbed the plate and took it into the bedroom. The sounds were terrible, like a dinosaur mauling another dinosaur. Jeff came out with the plate, completely empty, almost completely clean. He begins to wash it however, cause you know, he can't have a dirty dish in his sink.
Jeff Purse: Oblvion, Night Rider, and Denise D'Evil. The trio from the AoD. The group that not even I pitied enough to join. Oblivion, of course, needed the group to keep his scary ass relevant. Night Rider, who just can't be successful as a singles competitor, and Denise, the whore. I call you a whore, Denise, because look what you are doing to Night Rider. You are making him care about something. You are making him angry. GRRRR!! YOU WON'T LIKE NIGHT RIDER WHEN HE GETS ANGRY! NIGHT RIDER HULK OUT! Yes, I know, I compared Thomas Bates to Hulk two weeks ago, and now I am comparing Night Rider to The Hulk. I know, but you know, I have been busy taking care of my fiancee, so you know, its not like I have time to be creative sometimes. Oblivion knows what that is like, don't you buddy. You just, don't have the time on your hands to win matches or be intersting, becaus why? Oh right, you are too busy trying to be important. Ha. Let me know how that works out for you, because you know as well as I do that its really of no use. Stick to what you know, Obi, the shadow of those much more talented than you.
Truth be told. I don't want to win War anymore. I am good enough without having to prove it. Of the seven men in the match left that I haven't talked about, Jay Omega, David Sanchez, Teo Del Sol, Spencer Adams, Thomas Uriel Bates, Gemini Battle, Alex Richards, I have just a couple things to say. One of you are winning the War match. One of you are running up. I have my predictions as to who that will be, my two brothers in Pantheon of course. Spencer and Teo, you both are in WAY over your head. Thomas Bates, you lost it. You suck now. Retire early. David Sanchez, suck it. Thats all, suck it. You are terrible. And Gemini, well Gemini, I am going to personally see to it that you don't win. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go sex up my pregnant fiancee. Hell yeah.
He wipes the counter and disappears into the bedroom for sexy time. Clearly getting bored with shooting on 40 people, I mean, what was Jeff thinking that he could shoot on this many people. He now agrees with Corey Black in that he doesn't really care about winning War anymore, he is going to do his best in smaller matches, but this match just came at a bad time in Jeff's personal life. Thats why he procrastinated so much and couldn't put up promo the quality that it should have been. But Jeff will still be there for all the fun. Yabba Dabba. Booyah.
Jeff Purse: War. War is a special, special time for me. Thats because I won it. Thats right, I won it. Do I talk about that enough? No? Ok I will say it again, I have won War. Now I know, I know that, you know, there are many of you in this match who have been in WCF longer than me, or just as long as me, or have been in the same amount of War matches as me, and you know, haven't won War. To you, I say HA HA. No but seriously, seriously, I know I talk about winning War all the time. You know why? Because its a mother fucking accomplishment. How many of you have ever out lasted the entire roster? Huh? All I hear is birds cheeping, because its only me. Out of anyone listed to be in this match, there is ONE man who has already won it. Me. Not you, Oblivion. Not you, Zombie. No, not even you, Omega.
No the only person who has ever won the War match out of the guys who are listed to be in it is me. So yeah, I am going to make a big fucking deal about it. You know why? Because I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THIS MATCH WHO HAS EVER WON IT BEFORE!!! I am the only one who knows what it feels like to win this fucking match! Of course I am going to talk about it a lot. Not only did I win War, it was my FIRST War. The first War that I had ever been in, I won the fucking thing. I've never been a 'braggart', but you know what, I have the fucking credentials to brag about this. I don't care what anyone of you say. Talk about me all you want, the point is, I have won this match and none of you haven't...na na na na boo boo. And that goes for you too, Omega.
Jeff takes his sunglasses off as the sun is starting to set. Did I mention that he was wearing his trademark Aviator sunglasses? I didn't. Sorry about that. Just deal with it though, I am trying to break this shit up. Ok, so Jeff took his sunglasses off and clipped them to his white tee shirt, with the words The Future written across in blue jagged, lightning bolt letters. Uh oh yall, tis the start of WAR: CHARACTER STUDY!!! OH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! Anyway, cut back to Jeff sitting on his half pipe running his hand through his hair.
Jeff Purse: So here we are. Before the match, and everyone has something to say about me and Pantheon. So lets start there. Dexter Radcliff, my boy and shoo in to win The Cuttheon. Dex aka the Dex the Sexasaurus Rex. You are a BEAST my friend...however, don't get yourself too big for your britches. I am excited for you man, and I know that you are going to wipe the floor with Gunther. You are much better than him. However, you are not even close to being as good as I am. Just keep watching kid, you will get there.
By the way, I like the pants you have chosen, I mean you are missing my face, but I think thats for the best. They look ridiculous man. You have those guys faces all over them. Can't you just wear plain black? They are too freaking busy. Too much going on in a small part of your pants. Expand it at least. You either have very busy, or you have boring and usual. Or symmetrical patterns. You can't just have a lot of stuff going on on your shin, then nothing on your knee, then something COMPLETELY different on your thigh. Come on man, get with it.
I like you Dex, I think you have potential. However, I will not even come close to hesitating to whoop your ass and eliminate you in this match. Not because I don't like you, and not because I don't think you are good enough to win this match, but most because that is the breaks, kid. You come in, you want to compete, great, I am really glad you are doing that, but now comes the new lesson. I rule War. There are no friends in War. Plus, it would be a good learning experience for you to get in the ring with me and your fellow Pantheon...onians. Because we will give you what you deserve in that ring...everything we got.
Jeff smiles and cracks his knuckles. Not to look tough or anything, just cause he needs a knuckle crack. Any kind of badassery this might have caused is coincidental. He decided to go on...
Jeff Purse: Which brings me to, and yes I am doing the 'which brings me to' segue, Wade Moore. Wade is a special kind of fucked up. Wade Moore may be or may not be responsible for the death of a very, very good friend of mine. I don't care what anyone says, I still suspect him. Him and his stupid troupe of guys who chug beer by a beach fire, smash it on their head, then compare dick sizes. And just so you know, that isn't a gay joke, its just weird that that is something that they do.
No, I am referring to when Wade thought it was wise to talk about how him and his friends in 'BeachKrew' don't fight each other because blah blah blah they are all best friends and blah blah blah. Nobody cares about your stupid fucking 'honor code' or whatever the fuck you want to call it, I don't care. Because the truth isn't that you guys are all such good friends you don't want to fight each other. No, because 'bros' like you guys are always wrestling around, arguing, fighting, life is like one giant pissing match for you and your BeachKrew brethren.
No here is the dirty little secret about why you and your 'boys' don't fight each other...because you guys are scared. Thats right you beach bums. You are so scared that if you jump in the ring with Andre or Kemp or god forbid your leader Tiburnobodycares, you are going to lose. With Pantheon, we don't give two shits who is going to win, of course its me, Alex and Omega are crazy if they think they are winning War, but we don't give two shits about wins and losses when it comes to wrestling your buddies. All that matters is that you respect each other enough to give the other person the fucking fight of their life.
Jeff takes his shoe off and shakes a rock out. That was annoying.
Jeff Purse: The same goes for you Los white guy who likes to destroy the gimmick of a respected group of wrestlers called Luchadores. Tiburdumbname. Los Tiberascal. Los Tibusuckatwrestling. I could go on, and while I enjoy the word play Los Tryasyoumightbutyouareterrible, I am not a comedian, I am a wrestler. Lets say, just for arguments sake, that you and Wade are the last two fuckers in the ring? What, are you guys just going to refuse to fight? You know what that means, don't you? Fuck, lets say that Seth even lets you two get away with it, because Seth is a bastard, then it will be a three way at One. Or, you two have a one on one for number one contender.
You can't free bird the fucking World title. You know what else you can't freebird, the TV title. You got that little belt wrapped around your waist pretty fucking tight, right? The belt that was created for...hmm...what was it again? Veterans? No, no, not veterans. Oh, right, people who have fought a number of matches and have earned their place on the roster! No, wait, that isn't it. OH! I got it! Its for NEW PEOPLE! New people get chances at that belt. So you need to stop running around here acting like you have been here forever buddy. Its ok to admit you are new and inexperienced.
And I will expose that in War. Its simple as that my friend, I am going to make you look like a fucking fool. I know, you have a big win over Teo Del Sol, which is such a talented, great wrestler. Fact is, Tibs, you aren't better than Teo. You got lucky. It happens to everyone. Everyone gets on a hot streak and gets lucky, picks up a few wins, acts like they are the number one bad guy around, but the truth is, you have gotten a stretch of luck that is about to run out at War. First, Teo is going to stomp you for the TV title, then I am going to stomp you in War. Maybe Omega. Omega will stomp you at War, and then I will stomp Omega. I have people to do my stomping for me, thats how good I am.
Jeff chortles at his quips. He felt his quips were pretty fun. So what if you don't? Back to Jeff!
Jeff Purse: Lets continue down this BeachKrew train of garbage shall we? I mean, we covered the two main guys, right? Wade and Tibugly as the top two rings in this six ring circus of pure and utter shit, who is the third circle? OH RIGHT, its RICO AQUARIUS! No, wait, sorry, ANDRE ROJAS! Wait a minute...what is it...? Eh, who cares? Who even really knows? Do you guys know? All of you are interchangeable. I like Andre Rojas though, it gives the feel of a spanish guy who is a really, really bad wrestler. Now, its true, I don't know the difference between the two of you. But I suppose that doesn't matter, right?
No, I am supposed to talk about how much better I am than you two. But here is the truth, I have not cared about anyone in Beach Krew, and the only ones who really get any television time, or any recognition at all is Tiburonithesanfransiscotreat and Wade. Wade because of that terrible match with Crow, and Tiburonlyhasonetesticle because he owns a title. So your 'alien' of a 'manager' things that you BeachKrew fella's are talented because you have two titles, the TV and the Peoples. But you want to know something?
When Pantheon first formed, we all had titles. Jonny Fly had the World title, I had the US title, and Phantasm had the People's title. You guys have two. TWO! Moore, as much as he thinks he is, is not a champion. He is a loser. Like you Rico Aquarius. Like you. I really just have nothing really to say to you two, because you guys are so damn interchangeable I honestly don't know the difference between ya. I think one of you keeps calling 'holmes' or something on Twitter and threatening me in weird text that you try to make sound Spanish through a computer.
Jeff slides down the half pipe so he is laying down at the bottom looking up at the sky which is no almost completely dark.
Jeff Purse: Which brings me to Kyle Kemp. Ex football star...or wait, was it basketball...er...BASEBALL! Thats right, it was baseball. Let me ask you a question Kemp...you couldn't hack it as a baseball player so you came to wrestling to see if you could hack it? Who does that. Baseball is way less contact than wrestling. I will admit that coming from riding BMX doesn't really translate over to wrestling, but at least before I left the world of extreme sports, I had accomplished everything I wanted to in that world. I won a lot of medals, I won enough races to reach immortality in that world, and I have my own brand of accessories that has helped make me a very, very wealthy man, if I do say so myself.
But you, Kemp, you just sucked. You were a bad baseball player so you decided, I know, lets try something new on the off chance that I am good at that. Well you aren't. So lets see if there is something that your skill set is a little better suited for. Oh, and don't worry about sending the bill for the help with the career advice, I help because I care. I care about wrestling, that is, not about Kyle Kemp. You being around really makes the one thing in my life I love more than life itself terrible and not enjoyable. Everyone start of the show, I have to watch some dumb guy whose only record he could have set in the MLB was most strikeouts and most errors fuck up my passion. No. So, lets see...
You could be a Broadway actor. You might be good at that. You are a good enough looking fellow to make it somewhat big...maybe not Broadway but surely you can make it in off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off-off Broadway. But, lets face it, you are way to boring for you to really make it as an actor. You could be a toothpaste model. There you go. I got it. You have white enough teeth, a good smile, thats about all you need to have to do well at that, right? Because you aren't smart, I mean you joined up with BeachKrew...that shows low intelligence. Lets see...you aren't quite athletic enough to do anything else in sports. Basically, Kemp, you are useless. I think the best career move for you Kemp is retiring and moving to the mountains where you can't get on anybody's nerves and you can't suck at everything you do...of course if you moved to the mountains you would suck at living in the mountains.
Blah blah blah description to break up people Jeff is talking about.
Jeff Purse: Sandy Coconuts. Really? I mean…really? I don’t think so. That is…I am not even going to. Why should I waste my time on someone like Sandy Coconuts. I have over forty people to talk about and I have to waste my time with someone like Sandy Coconuts. Nope. Just…pass.
Jeff gets up and begins to walk to his house.
Jeff Purse: I have to go wait on Kari since she is pregnant still. She can’t really do much since the surgery…its time for her feeding, haha. On my walk here we will do a speed round. A bunch of people in the match I don’t feel more than a minute or so of my time. Because, you know, there is no way Adam Young is going to win this match.
Lets start with Adam Young. The mouth from the south. The one guy who has consistently lost since I have joined. Also, one of the guys who beat me for the TV title. Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about that. You got me on a night that I just wasn’t performing correctly. I hope you hold that title run close to your heart, Adam, because it wasn’t that long and it was luck. All luck. Its unfortunate that everyone understands that you and your seemingly never ending stream of team mates will never actually amount to anything in this company except you. Bro, get some fucking talent, ok? Do something worthwhile and then come and talk to me. I mean something more worthwhile then winning on flukes and blinding challenging people who just…mountains better than you. How did you even get a fucking contract? I don’t usually say this lightly, but Adam Young, you suck. You suck so very hard. Biggest jobber in the War match again, I suppose.
Biohazard and Tyler Walker have a friendship that transcends space and time. Not quite as strong as the Nerdsmashers, but a pretty strong friendship. It’s a shame that they just won’t have the energy to win this match, what with fighting space demons as a werewolf and an oozer…their celebrations of their space wins will tire them out too much for any serious competition on their part. Seriously thought guys, its legal now, you don’t have to hide it anymore. If you just came out, I think it would help your careers greatly, and nobody would care…except…no I don’t think anyone would. Jonny Fly MIGHT get jealous, but hey, that comes with the territory, right Tyler?
Ultimate Destroyer? More like…Ultimate Desgonnalosewar. So I am not creative all the time. The main point here is that Ultimate Destroyer is what, maybe A win better than Adam Young….maybe? The only problem with him is he thinks he is this Destroyer of Ultimate proportions, but in all reality, he is a loser of Ultimate proportions. I came back after almost a year of inactivity, save for a match here and there, and Omega and I whipped him and Jackson White’s ass. What makes you think you can outlast everyone in the fed if you can’t even beat me and Omega?
Jackson White same question? You think that you can outlast everyone and cement your name in history, when all your history says is that you are really good at losing matches? Come one. You are best taking a little break because of girls and other jobs…maybe school, rather than competing in this match. “Fenix” or not, there is no way you are ‘soaring’ high in this match, you will be ‘grounded’ and you will be grounded by me. That is a fact, Jackson, a fact.
The next couple I am going to group together. Marcus Peters, Joseph Vacher, Hunter Thompson, L.A. Kush, Jeff Danger, Bad News Benson. You are all too new to even think about winning War. L.A. Kush…a guy like that just joined the fed? We need better standards here. Hunter Thompson sounds like one of Adam Youngs never ending supply of boneheads. Marcus Peters, what a very plain name for I am sure a very plain person. Bad News Benson sounds like a gimmick infringement. Jeff Danger, if you are going to have the same name as me, make it unique, don’t put ‘Danger’ after it…that makes it look stupid…and my name isn’t stupid. Also, Andre Jenson, go LARP somewhere else, this isn’t fantasy, this is real life, you can’t hang. Patrilli, why don’t you just forget about War, like you seemingly have forgotten everything else in your life. This is the ‘new breed’? WCF is in trouble if these are the guys we have to work with. Like, a lot of trouble. I haven’t seen this many losers since Joey Flash came in and was enough ego for 10 fucking douchebags.
Gunther Blythe. You are Corey’s guy for The Cutheon. Congratulations on making it this far. To make it this far in something as prestigious as The Cutheon is quite an accomplishment. However, my friend, this is as far as you go. Dexter is going to blow you the fuck away. Which is crazy, you, who have trained with Corey Black, and believe me I know what its like to train with Corey Black, you are going to get destroyed by a fan boy. I think that is pretty funny. A guy who is going to get beat by a fan boy thinks he has what it takes to WIN WAR? No. That just isn’t a realistic thing, there, Gunther. Corey is a great teacher, but there is nothing you can do to win. Dexter is going to destroy you, and then I am going to eliminate Dexter, right after I eliminate Omega.
Derek Morano…I don’t know who that is. I think he lost to Los Tiburcantwinamatchtosavehislife. And if that is the case…I mean…come on.
Billy is a really good, talented wrestler who has an actual shot at winning War.
Jeff bursts out laughing.
Jeff Purse: I couldn’t even pretend for five seconds. I know I said this already about others, but seriously, what the hell is Billy doing here? He won the ‘Taco Bowl’ so that makes him qualified to actually compete. Bring back his friend, John Barber. John Barber was a good wrestler. John Barber had the stamina and charisma to make it a long time in War. Billy is going to get in the ring and wrestle for five minutes and need to take a break. Billy, seriously, why are you here? Do you have something you want to prove? Something you actually want to do other than eat all the hot cakes you can? Come on, get real man. Here is how I am going to deal with Billy…I am going to run in a circle around him until he gets so tired, he passes out. Then I will pin him. It will be one of the easiest eliminations, second only to how I will eliminate Jay Omega.
Everybody says that I have out grown the squared circle, that I am past my prime at 29. Because I have been in the federation for 4 years that means that I am ready to retire. I think they get confused with the fact that I did more in the first year I was here than most of them will do in their entire career. Looking at you Joey Flash. Looking at you Los Tiburcantwrestle. Looking at all of BeachKrew, actually. Looking at most people on the roster. But one person who this statement is actually true about, one person who just needs to hang it up now…Torture.
Torture, come on man. You have had a great, great career, but it has to be tough to be the Hulk Hogan of WCF. I mean, right? When a Torture match comes on, I know it’s a good time to go to the bathroom and take a big ol’ shit, because that’s what Torture does constantly to television. He shits all over the ring, he is shitting all over the Hardcore title, which is another reason I am not gunning for it…He also shits all over the new talent that is actually worthwhile…like Marc Mayhem, who will be back. Torture has done nothing in like, five years to better this company, yet he still gets treated like the fucking golden boy. How fucked up is that? Torture isn’t a big draw anymore Seth. He isn’t a money maker anymore. Maybe at one time, he was the man whose shoulders could hold the company up, but the guy hasn’t had a real match in months, and you just let him gallivant around with that title like its some kind of joke. That is Omega’s title. And he will win it back Tort, and you will be left dumbfounded.
Cormack and Conall. The MacNeill clan, or however you say it. First mistake guys, picking a name that was hard to say. You need something catch. My real name is Jeff Purse. Jeffery, actually. Jeffery Purse. And it is catchy and easy to remember. Cormack, you were around before, and you couldn’t get the job done before, I remember whooping that ass…so you brought in a friend…isn’t that special? What happened to your other friends? The only one worth mentioning I suppose is Caliban. And he is Caligone again. I assume you will probably be right behind him in no time, though. You and Conall will realize, again, that you just don’t belong among the WCF elite and you will be gone as soon as you got here. Just be warned, come back a third time, I will have to embarrass the hell out of you. Again.
Jeff has reached the back porch of his house now. He climbs the stairs as the motion sensor light pops on. He jumps a bit, not because the light scared him, but because a spider jumped out at him. He stomped it pretty damn good. He should be a good guy, and maybe good guys don't brutally murder spiders, but seriously, its a spider, so fuck that guy. Anyway, he enters his house through the back door.
Jeff Purse: Continuing this talk about the shit show that is the WCF roster, its time to talk about everybody's faux pop star. Now, don't get me wrong Beavs, I am a Beavliver more so than the teenage girls that you are targeting. Of course, I am a fan of yours like I was a fan of Scoutmaster. The ridiculousness that spews out of you is just too much fun to not watch over and over again on YouTube. So what is it, huh? Why is it that you decided that because impersonating pop stars didn't work out for you, you would join a wrestling federation and do well? Why is it that everything thinks they can do this? I know, I know, I rode BMX before this...but that was never a dream. I trained and trained and wrestled in high school and college. Wrestling has been my life since I was five years old. Go back to the stage, boy, this place isn't for you.
Vic. Vic, Vic, Vicky Vick. I don't think I have offered you a good clean welcome back since you came back. Well, let me do that now, so that I don't forget later. Welcome back Vic. I am so glad you are here. Here is the thing, though, Vic, why you? Why you and not Franky? Because here is the dirty little secret, Franky is much, much, much better than you. Thats coming from me, a guy who hated that little twerp. Oh sure, we teamed together for a little bit in Cryogenix, the biggest failure since Polar Phantasm tried to assemble everyone together for a poker game, but conveniently invited a bunch of people I hate to my house, I couldn't stand that BOUDLE! In fact, Vic, that quality probably runs in the family. So if Franky is a boudle, what does that make you Vic? Oh, right, of course, a SUPER BOUDLE! Have fun getting eliminated by Omega, the guy I am going to eliminate quicker than you can say "DAMN, JEFF PURSE JUST ELIMINATED OMEGA!"
Jeff opened the fridge and grabbed some left overs from the fridge, stuffed cabbage. He put the container down on the counter and went to the cupboard for a plate.
Jeff Purse: Legion, where the fuck is Nathan? Cause seriously, its starting to get on my nerves. Its not getting in my head in terms of "oh no Nathan is playing games with my head, I mean, seriously, he really has no access to my head. I just want to know, you brought him up, and then nothing. There is no sign of Nathan even. Which leads me to believe that you are a fucking liar. You are a pathological, pig fucking liar. Well congratulations Legion, you got in my head with threats of someone you probably don't even know. So go fuck yourself Legion. Because your stupid little tactic worked. Yeah, give yourself a round of applause. But I am gonna tell you what you son of a bitch, there will be punishment and retribution. I am not only going to eliminate your sorry ass from this match, but I am going to whoop your ass so bad that you are going to regret ever leaving the farm, farm boy. You don't even know the fucking pain that I am going to inflict on you.
AWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOO! AH AH AH AWOOOOOOOOOOO!! Do you know what I actually know about Wolf? They travel in packs. Some species of wolves only live in the United States in forests and other areas where animals are plentiful for them to consume due to their dietary needs. You may be surprised to find that they can consume up to 20 pounds of meat in a single feeding. Holy shit, I bet you were surprised to find that out. The Gray Wolf is the one most people are familiar with. They can be all colors and range in size depending on where they happen to reside. The Himalayan Wolf is a subspecies of the Gray Wolf. This is a fairly new species to have been identified. The wolf is thought to be an ice age survivor, dating wolves around 300,000 years ago. The wolf is accepted to be the ancestor of the domestic dog as the wolf is thought to have selectively bred in order to breed appealing traits typical of puppies and to eliminate the not so appealing traits of adult wolves. And finally, one of my favorite songs features the word wolf, AWOOO WEREWOLVES IN LONDON! Of course, that is a werewolf. Professor Lupin in Harry Potter is also a werewolf. Oh, but, what do I know about Wolf, the wrestler? Not a damn thing. Not one. Maybe he likes Metallica based on his theme song...maybe.
Jeff throws the stuffed cabbage in the microwave, heating up the food that Kari would soon be eating.
Jeff purse: Zombie McMorris. I am going to do my best Zombie McMorris impression.
Jeff takes out his phone and begins to pretend to post things on the WCF message boards, laughing at the garbage that Zombie posts on the internet that he thinks is funny but is really just a bunch of garbage.
Jeff Purse: Moving on from Zombie McMorris, Occulo. Occulo had such a good run when he was here before. He was the US champion, he had the world in front of him. He could have done anything. He could have gone on to match Jay Price as someone who has held every title in the WCF. He could have won the World Title with ease. If not Dune to beat Ice Beckman, Occulo definitely had the talent. Seriously, no sarcasm here, Occulo could have done it all. He was like Joey Flash, except he actually had talent. Like, the better, more deserving version of Joey Flash. But he just, he just left. I was a fan Occulo, and you just left me and your other fans high and dry. We all really wanted big things from you, and you let each and everyone of us down. Now I know, I know, as a more veteran member of the roster, I like to see the newer, talented talent succeed. But you fucked that up for yourself. Sorry bubs. You made your own bed, now you must sleep in it.
The microwave dings and Jeff popped open the door. He grabbed the plate and took it into the bedroom. The sounds were terrible, like a dinosaur mauling another dinosaur. Jeff came out with the plate, completely empty, almost completely clean. He begins to wash it however, cause you know, he can't have a dirty dish in his sink.
Jeff Purse: Oblvion, Night Rider, and Denise D'Evil. The trio from the AoD. The group that not even I pitied enough to join. Oblivion, of course, needed the group to keep his scary ass relevant. Night Rider, who just can't be successful as a singles competitor, and Denise, the whore. I call you a whore, Denise, because look what you are doing to Night Rider. You are making him care about something. You are making him angry. GRRRR!! YOU WON'T LIKE NIGHT RIDER WHEN HE GETS ANGRY! NIGHT RIDER HULK OUT! Yes, I know, I compared Thomas Bates to Hulk two weeks ago, and now I am comparing Night Rider to The Hulk. I know, but you know, I have been busy taking care of my fiancee, so you know, its not like I have time to be creative sometimes. Oblivion knows what that is like, don't you buddy. You just, don't have the time on your hands to win matches or be intersting, becaus why? Oh right, you are too busy trying to be important. Ha. Let me know how that works out for you, because you know as well as I do that its really of no use. Stick to what you know, Obi, the shadow of those much more talented than you.
Truth be told. I don't want to win War anymore. I am good enough without having to prove it. Of the seven men in the match left that I haven't talked about, Jay Omega, David Sanchez, Teo Del Sol, Spencer Adams, Thomas Uriel Bates, Gemini Battle, Alex Richards, I have just a couple things to say. One of you are winning the War match. One of you are running up. I have my predictions as to who that will be, my two brothers in Pantheon of course. Spencer and Teo, you both are in WAY over your head. Thomas Bates, you lost it. You suck now. Retire early. David Sanchez, suck it. Thats all, suck it. You are terrible. And Gemini, well Gemini, I am going to personally see to it that you don't win. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go sex up my pregnant fiancee. Hell yeah.
He wipes the counter and disappears into the bedroom for sexy time. Clearly getting bored with shooting on 40 people, I mean, what was Jeff thinking that he could shoot on this many people. He now agrees with Corey Black in that he doesn't really care about winning War anymore, he is going to do his best in smaller matches, but this match just came at a bad time in Jeff's personal life. Thats why he procrastinated so much and couldn't put up promo the quality that it should have been. But Jeff will still be there for all the fun. Yabba Dabba. Booyah.
