Post by Lawnmower Jones on Feb 2, 2007 21:07:31 GMT -5
Mama Said Knock You Out!
(The scene opens with Lawnmower Jones and his shrink, Marty Collins, walking down an aisle. Marty is on the right while Jones is on the left. Marty has on a sleezy black suit and his hair slicked back, while Jones has on his usual attire. Marty has a cigar in his mouth while Jones has a mopey look on his face. Jones’s hands are in his pockets as he walks, looking down. We as an audience can not see what is parallel to either of the two’s sides.)
Marty Collins: So, this Cairo guy took Lonnie?
Jones: Yep.
Marty Collins: And the cops won’t do anything about it?
Jones: Something about WCF dealing with the stolen property.
(Marty takes a puff of the cigar and shrugs his shoulders.)
Marty Collins: That makes sense. Women are property.
Jones: Yea, I guess. But I miss her, Marty. I mean, since she’s been gone, I’ve only had microwavable corn dogs and cheap generic beer. She always bought the good stuff.
Marty Collins: Kid, you got to wake up. Corn dogs and beer and lying around in your underwear watching porn? That’s a gift from God!
Jones: I’m not lying in my underwear watching porn…
Marty Collins: Well, you should be. Kid, once a man gets married, he’s locked forever. If a man gets divorced, it’s like a big skidmark on his relationship life that never goes away no matter how many times you wash it. If somebody kidnaps your wife, you pray to God she gets executed on TV like they do in North Iraqistan. That way, you get sympathy from girls who feel sorry for you, money from the insurance company, a medal from the government for something, and freedom. Kid, not many men get this opportunity, so if I were you, I wouldn’t waste it. Then again, if I were you, I’d use my fame to get into the porn industry.
Jones: Well, I love her though. This is the girl of my dreams.
Marty Collins: Stop right there. You’ve obviously never been taught about women. They’re interchangeable. All you need is a couple of holes and you’re good.
Jones: Marty, ten years ago, I would have agreed with that. But now, not even Logan himself can persuade me into thinking Lonnie isn’t worth it. I’ll fight for her, and I’ll get her back. Sometime, some place, somewhere. Bobby Cairo is a dead man.
(Marty takes another puff of his cigar. The camera zooms out and we see the two are walking in a Home Depot in the lawncare section. Lawnmowers are all lined up.)
Marty Collins: Yea, sure he is. This week, you need to kick him in the nuts.
Jones: Why?
Marty Collins: Because that way he will think twice before fucking Lonnie.
Jones: (Crying) You think he’s raping her?
Marty Collins: (Shrugs shoulders and shakes head) I can’t tell you what any man would do, but I do know what I would do and that’s have sex. I’d explore all of my wildest dreams. I’d make her do things I’d never be able to do with anyone else. I’d-
Jones: Aww, I can’t take it anymore! (Drops to knees) LONNIE! O LONNIE, WHERE ART THOU?
Marty: (Hushing Jones) Hey kid, take it easy. You don’t want to start any trouble, do you? I mean, people are looking at us…
Jones: It’s no use, Marty! She’s gone! I can’t do anything about it! He has her! The only way I can get her back is by making him feel what my heart is feeling right now!
Marty: And you have that oversized sideshow freak JJ Biggs on your side! Make Bobby pay!
Jones: JJ is a former teammate of mine with the Team of Treachery, Marty. Didn’t you watch those WCF tapes I sent you?
(The camera switches over to see Marty’s bottom half, where a video shaped object is falling down his pant leg. The scene cuts back to the both of them.)
Marty: Oh yea, now I remember. The Treachery Team.
Jones: Team of Treachery.
Marty: Same thing.
Jones: No-
Marty: So anyways, you have him in your corner. Tell him to take care of the werewolf guy and you go and destroy Cairo, like you’ve done everyone else.
Jones: Ah yes, the so called Scot Conrad Howell. What a disgrace to Scotland if I’ve ever seen one. But this week, I will not focus on him. No, I’ll focus on the other half of that mongloid team, Bobby Cairo. Cairo, last week, you ruined my interview and I made you pay. I was willing to forget all about it, but then you had to let pride take over and interfered in what was going to be a clear victory for me. Not only did you cause me a shot at Gold, you stole my woman, Lonnie. Rest assured-or better yet scared-that your punishment will come back to hurt you. I can’t take Lonnie now, but somehow, some way, I will. And better yet, her emotional suffering will result in your physical beating times ten. You’re much anticipated return to WCF will not only be your worst memory of WCF, it will be your last. Remember Cairo, your ass is grass, and I’m the lawnmower. Hey Marty, why did the chicken cross the road?
Marty: I don’t kn-
Jones: Mama said knock you out!
(With that, Jones delivers some unnecessary karate moves into the air. They are off balance and spastic. Marty flinches.)
Jones: Now can you handle that?
(The two walk off camera as LL Cool J’s “Mama Said Knock You Out” begins to fade in.)
Marty: (Off-camera) So this must be like a strip club for you, huh?
(The scene fades to black.)
