No Wasted Time

[Dean Wolf]

A few hours before War- October 4, 2015

Seth Lerch is sitting in his office at the Chesapeake Energy Arena in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, the sight of tonight’s highly anticipated pay-per-view event, War XIV. You would think that a man with such a huge interest in War, who has to mange a card and the divergent personalities that comprise it, would be hard at work making any last minute adjustments that necessary; but he is Seth Lerch, and paying attention to his promotion is not his top priority. Right now, his top priority is Spencer Adams’ mom and the sexy selfies that she keeps texting to him.

Seth: Oh, yeah. That’s what I like, Betty. Keep em’ coming. Speaking of keeping them coming…

The sound of Seth unzipping himself is heard from under the table. The text alert on his phone goes off. Seth checks to see which picture is next.

Seth: Damn, Betty! That Centrum Silver must be working.

He goes to the iTunes playlist on his phone and starts playing Lil Jon and the East Side Boys’ “Get Low” while working on “Little Seth."

Seth sings along.

Seth: “Bend over to the front, touch your toes, back that ass up and down and get low (get low)!”

Suddenly, a knock is heard at the door. Seth scrambles to turn his phone off and zip himself back up. He gets his penis caught in his zipper.

Seth: Ow! God damn it! Who the fuck is it?!

He still struggles to set Little Seth free.

Jake: It’s Jake, sir.

Seth: (to himself) Jake? (To the voice behind the door) Who’s Jake?!

Jake: The intern, sir.

Seth finally fixes himself and zips himself back up.

Seth: Intern?! Come in here!

Jake comes in the room. Jake is a short young man, 23 years old. He looks very naïve and very nervous to be in the presence of Seth…or anybody else involved in the WCF. Even after seeing his face, Seth still can’t recognize him.

Seth: When did I hire an intern?

Jake: Um, at the beginning of the month, sir. I’m trying to complete my college internship.

Seth: Oh. College, huh? What school do you attend?

Jake: (proudly) SUNY Oneonta, sir.

Seth: And that’s a state school, right?

Jake: Yes, sir.

Seth: And what’s your major?

Jake: (even prouder) Communications.

Seth looks away for a second and slumps in his chair.

Seth: (to himself) Oh, God, why do I keep hiring these losers?

Jake’s face quickly goes from pride to dejection.

Seth: Well, why are you here? Shouldn’t you be doing something…important?

Seth starts checking his phone again.

Jake: Well, sir, you’ve neglected to give me any responsibility since I’ve gotten here, so I thought I could make myself useful and let the wrestlers use me to train for their matches; but if it means anything to you sir, I really don’t want to be stretched anymore.

Seth: (still looking at his phone) No, that doesn’t mean anything to me. Go help Joey Flash get ready for his title match tonight.

Jake: O-okay, sir, but before I do that, there’s a matter that I think it’d be in your best interest to address.

Seth looks up from his phone. He’s insulted that this little peep squeak intern is telling him what his interests are.

Seth: Oh, really. And what matter do I need to address?

Jeff: Wolf, sir.

Seth: What about him?

Jeff: Well, as you probably know, he head butted a locker until its door came off the hinges last Sunday. To me, that seems like irregular behavior. I think he has some issues.

Seth: Jeff, this is the wrestling business. Wrestlers have issues like teenagers have acne. It’s 99% of the reason why we make money.

Jeff: I understand that, sir, but I’m talking about deep psychological issues.

Seth: (getting annoyed) Again, he is not unique in that regard. Go meet Dune.

Jeff: But sir, what if he hurts himself, or worse, somebody else?

Seth rests his hand on his forehead.

Seth: My God, you are a communications major.

Now Jeff just looks insulted.

Seth: Let me explain this to you in words that you can understand: I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WOLF.

Jeff sighs. He’s not able to get his point across.

Jeff: Well, like I said, it’s in your best interest to address this matter, but if you don’t care about losing one or more of your talents, then you might care about this.

Jeff places a sheet of paper on Seth’s desk. Seth picks it up.

Seth: What’s this?

Jeff: It’s a bill from the Garret Coliseum in Montgomery, Alabama, where we held Slam last week. They want us to pay for the locker that Wolf damaged.

Seth: For how mu-- $5,000!!!!

He slams his hand on the desk and looks up at Jeff.

Seth: Get me Wolf now!

Jeff: Y-y-yes, sir.

Jeff speed walks out of the room and to the WCF locker room. When he opens the door, the first thing he sees is Gemini Battle’s pierced dick. He quickly covers his eyes. Jeff is embarrassed to see other men naked. He himself was embarrassed to undress during gym when he was in high school.

Gemini Battle: (with his arms out wide) Jeffy! Where you been? I got a new move I need to try out on someone before War!

Jeff: Um, not right now, Mr. Battle. I’m on official business for Mr. Lerch.

Jeff scurries off and looks frantically for Wolf. When he does spot him, Wolf is sitting on a bench, wrapping tape around his wrists and listening to music on his head phones.

Jeff: Mr. Wolf! Mr. Wolf!

Jeff continues to walk towards Wolf and call his name, but Wolf isn’t responding. Wolf is listening to “Seek and Destroy” by Metallica, thinking about his strategy for War tonight. In his view, the strategy is easy: seek and destroy. Don’t wait for the other guys to come to you. Go to them. Not everyone would agree with that plan, but fuck everyone else. They aren’t Wolf. They don’t know how Wolf fights.

And who the fuck is this asshole waving his arms in front of my face and screaming something?

Jeff: Mr. Wolf? Mr. Wolf? Hello? Can you hear me?

Wolf turns off his Walkman (yes, Walkman) and slowly takes off his headphones.

Jeff: Oh, good. For a second there I thought you’d never answer m--.

Wolf grabs Jeff by the tie and pulls him in.

Wolf: Why?

Jeff: (sounding like he’s being choked) Why what, sir?

Wolf: Why are you disturbing me when I’m trying to get ready for War?

Jeff: I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to disturb your routine, but Mr. Lerch demands that you come to his office right now.

Wolf: Demands?

Wolf pulls Jeff’s tie tighter.

Wolf: If he wants me that bad, why isn’t he here getting me himself?

Jeff: I don’t know. I’m just an intern, sir.

Jeff looks like he’s losing air.

Wolf: Well, you go tell that little weasel that if he needs me, he knows where to find me.

Wolf releases Jeff. Jeff gasps for air. Wolf looks at the pathetic kid in front of him, shakes his head, and goes to put his headphones back on before Jeff speaks again.

Jeff: Sir, I can’t say that to him. He’ll fire me and I’ll have to spend another semester trying to get my internship done. I can’t do a sixth year of college. Now, I’ll tell you one more time, he seems very insistent that you come to his office right now!
Wolf can’t believe this little geek’s persistence.

Wolf: You’re afraid of Lerch, aren’t you?

Jeff: No, not at all.

Wolf just stares at him.

Jeff: Yes, sir, very much.

Wolf: (to himself) Jesus fucking Christ.

Wolf lets out a sigh of frustration. Jeff just stares at him for a few seconds. Wolf stares back.

Wolf: Well, are you going to show me the way to Lerch’s office or am I supposed to fucking teleport myself there?
Jeff: Oh, yes, right this way, sir.

Wolf follows Jeff out of the locker room and down the hallway to Lerch’s office. Once they get there, Jeff tries to knock but Wolf stops him.

Wolf: Don’t. Just stay out here.

Wolf walks into the office and slams the door behind him. Seth looks up from his phone.

Seth: God damn it, Wolf, sit the fuck down!

You can see on Wolf’s face that he does not appreciate being spoken to this way. This is not the right way to start off a meeting. All the energy that Wolf would normally use to waste a disrespectful little prick like this is being stored up in his face. This guy must be shitting me, he thinks. He slowly walks over to the chair across from Seth’s desk, has a seat, and holds his hands together while they rest on his lap. Seth hold up the bill from the Garret Coliseum.

Seth: Wolf, do you know what this is?

Wolf doesn’t respond right away. Wolf knows what Seth is trying to do here. Seth is going to try to belittle Wolf. Has Seth not heard anything Wolf has been saying over the last month?

Wolf: No.

Seth: It’s a bill, Wolf, a bill from the Garret Coliseum. That’s where we were last week when you threw that meltdown like a little bitch, complaining that (mocking Wolf) “no one pays attention to me and nobody takes me seriously” and boo hoo hoo, and then proceeded to destroy one of their lockers.

Wolf thinks, this guy just wants me to kick his ass, right? He just wants me to hurt him. That’s all I’m hearing him say.

Seth: I’m fining you $5,000 to pay for the damages to the locker and fining you another $5,000 just to give you something to think about next time you want to take your frustration out on anything else but your opponent.

Wolf doesn’t respond immediately. He just stares at Seth. Seth thinks that he’s in full control of the situation. He’s leaned forward on his desk and has a very stern look on his face. Wolf can’t help but notice that his face looks a little flushed and his pupils have dilated a bit, almost like he’s been jerking off. I’ve had enough of this, Wolf thinks.

Wolf: You brought me in here for this shit?

Seth: This isn’t shit, Wolf; this is a matter of--.

Seth gets a text alert. He checks his phone.

Seth: Now that’s what I call a side boob.

Seth temporarily forgets that Wolf is sitting in his office, but snaps out of it and goes back on his tirade.

Seth: It’s not shit; it’s a matter of business.

Wolf waits to respond again.

Wolf: Can I see that?

Seth hands the bill to Wolf. Wolf stands up, stuffs the bill down the back of his pants, wipes his ass with it, takes it out, crumples it up, and throws it in Seth’s face.

Wolf: It’s shit now.

Seth is in shock. He doesn’t know what to say. How could this newbie, this guy who hasn’t even been in the company two months, who could never have the pleasure of sniffing Joey Flash’s jock strap (it smells surprisingly good), throw a shit stained piece of paper in my face?

Seth: Who the fu—

Wolf turns over Seth’s desk, grabs Seth out of his chair, and pushes him up against the wall, holding him by the collar. Despite the sudden outburst, Wolf’s speech is still very calm, if more menacing.

Wolf: Here’s an idea. How about you stop wasting mine and yours’ time and let me get back to preparing for War while you think of how you’re going to promote my World Title match at One against either the sandworm or your man crush, Joey Flash.

Seth looks away. He’s too scared to look at Wolf in the eye. He’s starting to sweat. All he wants is for Wolf to let go of him and walk away.

Wolf takes Seth’s silence as a sign that the meeting is over and he’s free to go. He lets go. Seth slides down the wall a bit but is still on his feet. Wolf walks away, but stops before the door and turns around.

Wolf: And if I notice one penny missing from my next pay check, I’ll make sure that when Mrs. Adams wakes up the next morning, she’ll see that your severed dick is nailed to her headboard.

Seth swallows hard and puts his hand over his crotch.

Wolf opens the door and walks out to find that Jeff was listening to the meeting the entire time.

Jeff: That-was-awesome!

Wolf: (walking past Jeff) Shut up.

Seth: (from inside the office) Jeff, get the hell in here and pick my desk back up! And go throw this bill out!

Jeff: Yes, coming, sir!

Jeff runs back into the office and closes the door behind him.

Wolf keeps walking back towards the locker room but a production assistant (PA) runs up from behind him.

PA: Mr. Wolf! Mr. Wolf!

Wolf is ignoring whoever is calling him. He just wants to get back to his locker and finish preparing for War. The PA keeps running after him.

PA: Mr. Wolf! Mr. Wolf!

Wolf just can’t take it anymore and turns around.

Wolf: WHAT FUCKING NOW?!

The PA backs up a few steps.

PA: Um, production needs you.

Wolf: Why?

PA: They’d like you to cut a quick promo for the network before the War match tonight.

Wolf: (exasperated) Another one of these fucking things? (Sighs) Fine, just fucking take me there.

Wolf starts to follow the PA to the promo area.

Wolf: I’m not being interviewed by Zach Davis, right?

PA: No, sir.

Wolf gets to the production area. The setup is simple; just a black backdrop and a few cameras and lights.

Director: Okay, Wolf, just stand right in front of the backdrop and---

Wolf: And look into the camera? Yeah, I get it. This isn’t fucking rocket science.

Director: Okay. I’m going to count down and then---

Wolf: Just fucking say “action!”

The director goes silent for a second.

Director: (meekly) Action.

Wolf starts his promo.

Wolf: I just got out of a meeting with a certain WCF executive that shall remain nameless. He was angry with me because I destroyed a locker last week in some hick town arena. I told this executive in no uncertain terms that the meeting was a waste of my time and that I had better things to do, like get ready for my first War match.

It baffled my mind that I was even marched into his office over a locker. It just goes to show what I said last week: people have a problem taking me seriously around here. If I was in that executive’s shoes, I’d encourage what I did last week. I know people are criticizing me for complaining, for demanding respect so early in my WCF tenure; but do people just want a wrestler who doesn’t show any emotion? Do they want a wrestler that doesn’t show any desire and passion or someone who won’t open their mouth; who won’t rock the boat and say anything that might be offensive?

Maybe they just want a bunch of guys who’ll back out of fights in their own leisure; who’ll leave the WCF when things don’t go their way. The way I see it, that destroyed locker should be a badge of honor, a mark that I care, that I give a shit. I could be someone who just shows up and collects a paycheck. That’d be real fucking easy, but I’m not here for that. I’m here to win and to be accepted as a serious competitor; not just tonight but every fucking night.

But I’ve got to be the one who has to have his time wasted over something so insignificant as a locker.

I don’t like to waste time. Being idle doesn’t suit me. That’s why tonight, when I enter that ring, my strategy is simple: fight. I don’t play defense. I’m not going to sit back and watch other guys go at it while I take a rest. I’m not waiting for an opportunity to strike. I’m striking first and I’m striking often.

I will destroy Ultimate Destroyer before he can destroy mankind.

Oblivion, you can call yourself a monster, a dark one, a god, you can go by any name you want; but the moniker you’re going by tonight is LOSER.

Vic Venable may be a reformed man, but I’m going to reform his face with my knee by the time I eliminate his ass.
Billy says that he’s been directionless as of late. Well, Billy, tonight I’m going to help you out by directing your ass straight out of the ring.

Thomas Bates, you may be a fucking genius when it comes to history, but I know a little history myself. Shit, I’ll write some history now. Here’s my thesis: Thomas Bates sucks. Here’s my evidence: Thomas Bates entered War. Wolf hit him with The Kill. Wolf pinned him. Bates left War.

The MacNeills might as well be identical twin brothers because I’m going to treat them the exact same way. When I break one’s finger, I’ll break the other’s finger. When I give one a black eye, the other one gets a black eye. At the next MacNeill family reunion, they won’t able to tell you two apart!

Torture, you might as well not waste time either and just hand me the Hardcore Title right now.

Dustin Beaver, you ain’t washed up yet. I mean, you will be after I eliminate you, but not quite yet. You still have a few hours to be relevant.

Andre Jenson, maybe you have a chance. Or maybe I’ll just break your fucking neck.

And then there are the two men fighting over the World Championship tonight, Dune and Joey Flash. These two have had a rivalry going on for a while now, and it seems to have gotten very personal. But for all the time they’ve spent thinking about each other and dwelling on their personal hatred, they haven’t been thinking about me. This feud between them ends tonight, and then they have to turn their attention to the winner of War XIV, Wolf. And time goes fast. There’s less than three months before One and three months can seem like three days if you don’t pay attention. My advice: end this thing tonight and end it quick, because you’re going to have to spend every waking hour preparing for what I have in store.

To all of my opponents tonight- and whoever my opponent is in the future- life is too short to waste time, so I’m bringing the fight to you and I’m bringing everything I have! This may be my only shot at gold and the way I see it, there are only three ways I’m going to leave this building tonight:

A- As the number one contender

B- Dead

Or C…All of the above