WCF Presents: Blood in the Water

[6ix God]

The following promotional video does not represent the views or beliefs of the Wrestling Championship Federation. Viewer discretion is advised. 

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The camera opens to a young woman sitting at a glass topped wrought iron table on the patio of a café. Behind her, the panoramic view of the beach and ocean could only place the setting of the interview in scenic Southern California; the sun is bright and beautiful, hanging high in the sky and kissing the skin of sunbathers and pedestrians bustling about in the background. The woman is young; perhaps in her early twenties. She leans forward on one elbow covered by the sleeve of a faded blue denim jacket rolled up her forearms, and her exposed wrist is covered in dangling bracelets speckled with diamonds and plated in gold and platinum. Her hair is long and brilliantly blonde, pulled back in a tight pony tail save a few renegade strands which hang down her forehead. Her eyes are a dirty green, and the bags under her eyes, couple with the apathetic frown drawn across her pink lipstick-painted mouth, present an aura of dislike about her situation. A cigarette burns between her fingers, a thin and long Virginia Slim with a lipstick stained filter. An interviewer speaks off camera.

Interview: You’ve known Jared Holmes since you both attended high school together at Southwestern Academy in Pasadena, correct?

At the mention of that name – Jared Holmes – her mouth twists up in one corner, a bitter and knowing smirk. She brings the cigarette to her lips for a long drag, letting the exhaled smoke cascade out of her nostrils.

Woman: Yeah, I knew Jared.

Interviewer: If approached on the street by a stranger, or I suppose an interviewer, and asked to describe your relationship with Jared in one sentence, what would you say?

She smiles, her eyes faintly glowing with an odd combination: perhaps contempt could be the best word to describe the stew pot of emotions that memories have brought this young woman. The pause lingers uncomfortably for a moment, as if deciding the most appropriate explanation for the audience.

Woman: Jared’s a fuckin’ asshole.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Dying 

Is an art, like everything else. 

I do it exceptionally well. 

        -Slyvia Plath 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Part I: The Ring Leader 

A caption reveals this woman’s name to us: “Emma Hartley, ex-girlfriend”. Emma does not appear to be pleased to be interviewed, and her displeasure is evident in her body language. She rests lazily forward on her arms, her eyes perpetually cast askance as if far more interested in the passing breezes rolling in off the Pacific Ocean than she is of the television camera. Her eyes have narrowed, an air of almost projected menace seems to surround her, as if some sensation were teasing her to knock the interviewer to the ground at any moment. Still, she retains the oddly smug smile across her lips, as if mimicking the man she just referred to as a “fucking asshole.”

Interviewer: You began dating Jared in your sophomore year of high school. How did you meet him? 

Emma Hartley: Jared had just been sent to Southwestern after getting expelled from Harvard-Westlake. He said his folks wanted to send him to the best school, and if he was gunna get kicked out of it, he’d deal with living at the second best.

Interviewer: Did he ever tell you why he was expelled?

Emma Hartley: He said it was for coming to school high, but when you got to know him, you knew it was bullshit like almost everything Jared said.

Interviewer: Do you know the real reason?

Emma Hartley: Yeah. He beat the fuck out of some kid.

Interviewer: Do you know why?

Emma Hartley: Probably no reason. Jared just did shit like that; he’d get a group of buddies, and they’d go fuck some up for fun.

Interviewer: He did that even while you knew him?

Emma Hartley: Duh. He just didn’t get caught. Started doing it in the neighborhoods around the school.

Interviewer: How did you two first meet?

Emma Hartley: He sat next to me in Biology and we just kinda hit it off. It helped that one of his friends was dating one of mine; they kinda set it up.

Interviewer: And what attracted you to Jared?

Emma Hartley: I mean, the same thing that attracts anyone to Jared. He’s funny, he’s hot, he’s confident. And sometimes he could really be a sweet heart. Jared always had a lot of friends. Even when he was the new kid, he made friends quickly.

She pauses, thinking for a moment before taking another drag from her cigarette.

Emma Hartley: But doesn’t everyone with money make friends easily? Especially ones who play soccer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

The camera cuts to the inside of a sparse office, where a slender older man with thinning blonde hair slicked back sharply against his head leans in his padded pleather office chair. His skin is sunken beneath pronounced cheek bones, his nose is long, and his eyes are large and cunning. His forehead is stained with liver spots, and his jaw is dusted by a five o’clock shadow. A caption slides beneath his face on the screen: “James Nelson, Coach”

James Nelson: Jared was an absolute natural on the soccer field. If ya just looked at the kid, he was built as though he was born to play: long and strong with incredible speed and balance. Jared slid straight into the position of striker and didn’t take long at all to be our best player.

He smiles, his eyes drifting off into memory as he reflects fondly.

James Nelson: Jared was a leader. When we were down, his head stayed on his shoulders. He never lost that shitty little smirk. When we needed a miracle, Jared provided. He could rally the team on a whim. He could motivate our B team players to step up their game. He was the goddamn heart and soul. Of course I made him captain of the team after a couple years.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Emma Hartley: Before he was ever officially made captain of the soccer team, Jared was the ringleader. People just sort of gravitated to him. He was charming, talented, funny, and oddly smart. But if you crossed him? He’d make your life hell.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

The camera cuts to a Latino man in his early twenties, a shaggy head of medium length black hair and a full face with a sharp chin and thin, almond-shaped eyes. The man wears a loose San Diego chargers jersey, and his build appears massive beneath the fabric of the jersey. The background is out of focus, but the natural light and faint detail of pine furniture suggest the kitchen of a house. The caption beneath the man reads “Diego Zuniga, Teammate”

Diego Zuniga: So Jared had this system where if someone fucked with one of us, we’d go pee in their bed. But you never peed in the bed of the person you hated, you’d have one of your boys pee in his bed, knowing you owed someone. So let’s say someone stepped to Jared, he’d tap me to go pee in this guy’s bed. Then maybe I’d go tap one of our buddies to pee in someone’s bed, and he’d go tap Jared to pee in another guy’s bed for him. But this way you could never trace it back because why the fuck would I pee in this guy’s bed? And Jared would have an alibi, so obviously he didn’t pee in that guy’s bed. It got so bad, the administration started sending letters home to parents wondering why so many sixteen-year-olds hadn’t been taught continence.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Emma Hartley: This was the kind of shit Jared was notorious for cooking up. This whole #BeachKrew crap doesn’t surprise me at all; Jared’s always loved to be gang leader and pull the numbers game on people. That’s just what he does. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Diego Zuniga: I remember this one night one of our boys got snitched on and Jared found out who it was. He throws this big party in his dorm and at one point he puts on “G Code” by the Geto Boys while we’re all drunk. So he’s sittin’ there singing all this shit like “We don’t talk to police” and “real niggas never squeal”. Then Jared turns and just whaps this kid, and soon we just beat the shit out of him. Jared wanted to send a message, ya know? I think he knew if you could snitch on one guy and get away with it, you could snitch on him and get away with it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

James Nelson: Yeah, there were stories and rumors, but a lot of kids were jealous of Jared. I can tell you this, straight up – and I knew that kid better than anyone – Jared would give you the shirt off his back. He cared about every single kid on that soccer team and treated them like family. I ain’t ever seen Jared treat anyone wrong or cruelly. That’s just not the kind of kid he was.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

The camera cuts to the inside of a new office: a beautiful mahogany desk and bookshelf set the scene with a serious-faced old woman in an ash gray pant suit. Her lips are thin and a shade of grayish pink, but her eyes are sharp and light green, glistening with a hardened old wisdom. The caption beneath her reads “Margaret Adler, Vice Principle”.

Margaret Adler: Everyone knew Jared was a snakey little shit besides the coach and the principal, who was far too invested in the soccer team. Everyone else? None of us liked or trusted Jared Holmes. He was never anything but polite, congenial, and eager to serve any figure of authority, but you could always see that glimmer in the back of his eyes. You always got this sense that Jared thought he was smarter than you and could run circles around you. He was a such a talented liar, it was no surprise when he joined the Theater Club. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Emma Hartley: Jared joined the Theater Club for two reasons: to practice fooling people and fuck loose artsy girls behind my back.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Diego Zuniga: It was pretty weird when Jared first started doing theater, weirder than when we found out he had a pass to leave campus on Sundays to practice gymnastics. But when Jared started bringin’ these sorta hippy free love type girls who had the good drugs, we suddenly understood exactly why he was fuckin’ around in theater.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Emma Hartley: Acting came to Jared like swimming came to a fish, which really shouldn’t surprise you as he’s basically spent his entire life playing a caricature. I don’t think a single person knows who the real Jared Holmes actually is, and that includes his quote “friends”. I remember Jared’s first gig in theater was “To Kill a Mocking Bird” as Atticus Finch, and when he got up there he had such a sense of, like, conviction and passion, you just knew he believed every word this character said. You got this feeling that Jared was Atticus Finch, and underneath all the dumb idiot shit there must be this decent, passionate guy. Then you’d run into Jared after the show, still in costume, making black jokes, and you’d realize that he really isn’t anything like you suddenly thought. You remember that Jared is just that smug narcissist who everyone wants to fuck or hang around.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Margaret Adler: Despite being an absolute imbecile, you may be surprised to know Jared graduated with a 5.0. Everyone knew he was cheating, but nothing could ever be proven.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

Emma Hartley: Jared would have one of his fun bunch write him a paper, read it a few times, then re-write the entire thing in his own words. It was maddening because the sort of effort he’d expend in cheating was almost equivalent to the amount of effort it would’ve taken to actually do his work like a responsible member of society, but that was just Jared. He had a gleeful disregard for being productive or doing anything progressive. Being underhanded was an art he had perfected.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Margaret Adler: The one day Jared got sick and missed an exam, we were sure we’d finally cornered him. Of course, he had to take a make-up – alone – and I personally oversaw this exam. We knew there’d be no way for him to cheat. But then suddenly he wrote the most incredible essay; it was a solid A effort. And you knew that somehow this kid must have subverted something but had no idea how.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Emma Hartley: Jared had his fingers in every single pie at any time. So he goes to this teacher’s TA and gets her to search the computer for the exam ahead of time, gets the topic, and studies for an evening straight. He cheated, but he didn’t; he didn’t have some pre-written paper or anything. Jared just studied hard, even if he had a tip-off. But that’s how he was: he was a master at making friends, getting favors, and taking shortcuts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Margaret Adler: You’d come to this conclusion that this boy was simultaneously the stupidest and most brilliant boy you’d ever met.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Interviewer: But Jared was kicked off the soccer team by the end of his time at Southwestern. Why was that?

James Nelson frowned, rubbing his chin as he leaned forward and stared sadly at the camera.

James Nelson: Well he certainly changed when his parents divorced.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Emma Hartley: Jared and his father were far too similar for them to ever get along. They absolutely hated each other. But when his mother left, Jared didn’t have a parental figure he could lean on. It devastated him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Diego Zuniga: It’s no doubt that Jared was a momma’s boy. He fuckin’ hated his old man, but he was close with his mom. When she split, Jared took it real bad. He blamed her a lot and didn’t talk to her much afterward. Didn’t even talk much about her. But if there was any time Jared was really actin’ out, it was after that. He got pretty nasty, and when someone made a joke about his folks during a game, Jared fuckin’ jumped on this guy right in the middle of the field.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

James Nelson: I felt bad for Jared. Really. Poor kid was an emotional wreck. That doesn’t justify fighting, but I felt his pain. I didn’t want to remove him from the football team, but the administration would’ve suspended him if I didn’t. I had to stop Jared from playing so he wouldn’t be expelled.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Margaret Adler: It was the first and only time we’d really see that ugly side of Jared Holmes we all knew was there. Some people might try to downplay the incident, but the truth is that we’d finally gotten the little punk. We had him cornered. But when Coach Nelson kicked him off the team, Principle Fashokun felt he’d been punished enough. Jared used to go to his office to cry and seek advice. None of us thought Jared’s tears were real besides Fashokun and Nelson.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Emma Hartley: It definitely put Jared in a weird place. You always had this sense that Jared was a negative guy underneath the dumb jokey exterior, but this was the first time you really saw his anger or that negative manifest. And it was really, really ugly. I caught Jared balls-deep in one of his old theater rats a few weeks after getting booted off the team, and I broke up with him. I never once heard about him being upset over it. If anything, Jared started womanizing worse than before. I think he was angry that someone could kick him to the curb before he could kick them to the curb.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

********COMMUNICATION INTERCEPTED********

********TRANSMISSION SENT FROM OKLAHOMA CITY TO UNDETERMINED COORDINATES IN OUTERSPACE********

********A MESSAGE FROM TO THE PLANET JALAXARITKATUSA********

Subject: Edward Jared Holmes, Junior
Age: 25
Sex: Male
Height/Weight: 6’1”, 235 lbs
Occupation Prior to Contact: Unemployed/Trust Fund Recipient

Analysis: Of the Earth Children I have contacted and cultivated to form our stable of elite warriors, perhaps none present quite the curiosity, mystery, or oddity which is Edward James Holmes, Jr. Named for his father, a successful lawyer and executive for Paramount Pictures with whom he shared an acrimonious relationship bordering on toxic, the Earth Child has chosen to be addressed by his middle name since he was twelve-years-old. In recent years, Earth Child Jared has been seeking to legally change his name and erase any legacy of his eponymous father.

The animosity between his father and himself is of particular curiosity as both the Earth Child Jared and his father Edward share similar personalities and mental disorders: clinic narcissism, sociopathy, and acute bipolar disorder. Though neither would be likely to an admission, it is likely due to the similarity in personality which forces contradicting self-reflection that drives Earth Child Jared and his father to despise one another. At any rate, the lack of a solid parental foundation provided me with a convenient weakness to exploit when gaining the favor of the Earth Child.

The relationship I have cultivated with Earth Child Jared would serve as a template with which to cultivate the relationships I now share with Earth Child Wade, Earth Child Hunter, and Earth Child Andre. This template does not appear to be applicable in the cases of Earth Child Kemp, Earth Child Rico, and Earth Child Sandy. After acquiring a position as Jared’s caregiver, a condescending task bequeathed to me by his father after failing to secure a position within his ranks while attempting to complete an unrelated mission, I was able to gain the Earth Child Jared’s favor and trust by filling the psychological hole left by the absence. During my time cultivating a relationship with Earth Child Jared, I must remark that loyalty appears to be one of his most desirable traits, one which proves to have legitimate fortitude and weight in Earth Child Jared’s mind. Earth Child Jared’s sense of duty and loyalty is the first of many glaring contradictions within his personality which has drawn my fascination.

Earth Child Jared has a firm friendship with the other Earth Children in #BeachKrew, and he has served as the glue to a group of Earth Children which would otherwise be unlikely to ever completely get along. Words and actions suggest that Earth Child Jared is honest in his claims of brother and sisterhood with the other Earth Children, but he seems to share a particularly strong connection to Earth Child Wade. He has frequently defended Earth Child Andre from the verbal abuse I have leveled in his direction (despite otherwise outwardly racist sentiments), and of all the original Earth Children in #BeachKrew, he was the architect behind the recruitment of Earth Child Kyle. His weakest relationship seems to be with Earth Child Sandy, confirming suspicions of misogynist tendencies. It is possible that this stems from a greater sense of misanthropy.

Of the Earth Children, Earth Child Jared seems to be perpetually second place in terms of ability in comparison to the others. He lacks the physical power of both Earth Child Wade and Rico, the raw sense of intellectual knowledge of Earth Child Wade, the innate cunning of Earth Child Andre, and perhaps slightly less charisma than Earth Child Kyle. That is not to say Earth Child Jared does not possess remarkable qualities in previously stated categories: his naturally athleticism is vast, his charisma is proven, and his mind is incredibly sharp. My assessment is admittedly incomplete and/or inconclusive due to the most powerful quality Earth Child Jared possesses: a natural ability towards deception and manipulation.

Earth Child Jared has an inherent talent to farce, and his “Los Tiburones” persona is largely a mere persona upon close inspection. Without telepathically entering the mental stream of Earth Child Jared, which has proven unusually difficult to achieve, I am unsure just as to the reality of Earth Child Jared’s inner workings. Despite an overtly bacchanalian bend, Earth Child Jared has occasionally hinted at a dark, morbid sense of self, fixated upon death and possessing a remarkable capacity for human cruelty. His apparently neanderthalic and “low” tastes seem to mask a sense of acute philosophical awareness and perhaps solipsistic world view which runs contrary to his espoused ethos. While his proverbial “poker face” is second to none, the few instances of lowered guard have betrayed enough of the true potential of Earth Child Jared to call into question the true extent of his capabilities. It is entirely possible that Earth Child Jared surpasses all other Earth Children in #BeachKrew or that his own abilities have been greatly overestimate by an ability to improvise and undercut legitimate trials.

The charade of the Los Tiburones persona has proven successful in lowering the suspected threat Earth Child Jared poses in the WAR match. Competitors have been quick to dismiss him in favor of Earth Child Wade, and his defeat of Teo del Sol has hardly registered towards his enemies within the Wrestling Championship Federation. It seems that Earth Child Jared has found that the best strategy to fly bellow the radar is to act out above it under a false face of incompetency, placating any suspicions and cultivating disrespect and contempt while keenly analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of his competitors. Several discussions have indicated that Earth Child Jared has ambitions for the World Heavyweight Championship and looks to take advantage of the chaos and the underestimation of his peers to secure victory.

Of all the Earth Children, this has made Earth Child Jared my most fascinating subject. His ability for leadership has allowed him to cultivate a successful following through all stages of his life, but his sense of entitlement and megalomania has resulted in few followings with notable tenure. It is possible that Earth Child Jared’s loyalty to the #BeachKrew is yet another hollow act to garner friendship and loyalty; it is only the extent of his actions towards the other Earth Children which suggest this comraderies is different than past comraderies.

For the sake of the continued dominance of #BeachKrew in the Wrestling Championship Federation, I have deemed him preferred winner of WAR should #BeachKrew’s cohesion as a unit allow them to win the match. Without the aid of his fellow Earth Children, it is likely that Earth Child Jared may still be able to win the competition. His strategy seems to be someone of an abstraction of the matadors of Spanish Bullfighting: waving a red cape to distract the bull while concealing the weapon with which to slay it. Unlike any orthodox bullfighter, it is likely that the proverbial weapon Earth Child Jared is concealing is a gun.

********TRANSMISSION ENDED********

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I do it so it feels like hell.

I do it so it feels real.

I guess you could say I’ve got a call.

        -Slyvia Plath

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Part II: Sex, Drugs, and IDM

The camera opens in an undisclosed location, a dark room illuminated by little but a single fluorescent overhead light. It casts its eerie beam down on a single barren wooden table where the gaunt, frazzled gray haired figure of “Hacksaw” Jim Thuggin sits leering in his Cheshire grin at the camera, a delicate plume of aromatic smoke wafting up from the corona cigar he clutches in his spidery fingers.

Jim Thuggin: When I first met Earth Child Jared, he had completed boarding school and decided against attending college out of spite towards his father, Edward. I was assigned to be his keeper, and during a trip to the Florida Everglades, we first encountered Earth Child Wade.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera cuts to the interior of the infamous WINO-bago, the #BeachKrew party bus. Wade Moor sits before the camera, his hair pulled back in a man bun with a floppy straw fedora placed upon his head. He smiles with an oddly impish, perhaps sentimental, light. His tattooed hands drum idly on the table as he speaks.

Wade Moor: Jared literally saved my life; without him, I wouldn’t be here. I owe him the biggest solid of all time for everything he’s done for me and shown me. When Thuggin convinced him to enroll in Tulane, he practically begged me to go with him as his roommate. And you know what? It was the sickest choice I ever made.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera cuts to the interior of the frat house for Beta Alpha Psi at Tulane University. Andre Aquarius leans on the pool table, a Keystone Light clutched in his hand, peering out beneath a floppy bocket hat and over the orange-tinted tea shades he generally wears.

Andre Aquarius: I met Jared here, ya feel me? He was, like, a finance major and I was, like, a major in information systems cuz that’s important when ya on the street, nahmean? So like, I already knew Hunter who was ‘bout ta get expelled for bein’ caught wid molly an’ shit, so, like, when I met Jared an’ Wade an’ introduced ‘em ta Hunter, we just sorta clique’d up, nahmean?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera cuts to a pane of glass separating a prison uniform-wearing Hunter from the camera. Hunter speaks through a phone designed to allow him to communicate with the other side; despite his chinstrap looking less immaculately groomed, his cornrows are as elaborate as ever.

Hunter Updegraff: AH, that mo’fuckin’ nilla Jared was a cool as shit cat. I remember when Andre introduced us, he had this big grizzly mo’fucka who I now know as Wade with him, and he was like “yo, this big neckbeardy mothafucka is the swaggiest sumbitch I ever met. You should fuck with him.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andre Aquarius: Jared repped Wade hard. That nigga Wade weird as fuck, but when Jared was like “yo, he chill”, ya just knew ta trust him, nahmean? Without Jared, we wouldn’t ever have fucked wit Wade an’ his mah nigga now. But that’s what Jared do. Jared can see the strength in a nigga ain’t no one else seein’. Jared knows when a fuccboi’s a fuccboi. That nigga got the deepest intuition of any nigga I know. And that’s why this nigga knows that when ain’t nobody fuckin’ wid him, he got an edge. Cuz you can not fuck wid Jared, but Jared’s fuckin’ widchu. This nigga Jared got you pegged on a board like a fuccboi-ass butterfly while you’re shadow boxin’ a screen he’s thrown up. Nigga be on that Sun Tzu shit, ya feel me?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hunter Updegraff: Jared’s a treal ass business man. Ya wanna know this nilla’s M.O.? Lah-zay-fair, byatch! Capitalism all the way! That’s why when dis nilla rolled on up, he be hashtag makin bread by advertisin’. Ya fuck wid Jared Holmes, ya gonna have a good time. And bringin’ Swagrid up in on dis? He be sellin’ a dream ta anyone. Cause suddenly anyone can think they swag ‘nuff ta roll wid Jared! E’eryone on that #BeachKrew hype hopin’ ta snort dat Cindy Lauper wit us! But that’s how the market works, bruh: marketing, advertising, selling. Tradin’, nilla. Jared was always a man of trades.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wade Moor: Jared never did a scrap of his own homework, outside the shit for his finance major. That was my job. But it was all about give-and-take with Jared: I’d slam out an English paper for him on the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, and he’d pay me back in the first taste of his new Molly score. Jared find some bitch lookin’ for that #DadBod, he’d send her my way! I scratched his back, and he scratched mine. Still does.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andre Aquarius: Jared’s tha whole brains behind that #BeachKrew look an’ swag, nahmean? I ‘member this nigga be sittin’ up one night, balls deep in a K-hole listenin’ ta Kid Unicorn when he turns to me an’ goes “Yo, Andre. The Sea’s pretty fuckin’ chill, yeah?” An’ at first I’m like: “Jared, you trippin’, bruh. Sit yo ass down.” But then I thought about it. And that nigga right as fuck: the ocean is chill a shit.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wade Moor: New Orleans and shit was tight, but Jared was never totally happy there. He missed California. He missed L.A. and being able to get lost in the concrete jungle. He missed the beach and being able to walk the shore in the morning. Don’t get me wrong, New Orleans is as tight as a it gets, but it wasn’t So Cal. That made it impossible for Jared. And for a while? I was kinda worried about him. He would be up dick-late at night getting high and watching videos of bioluminescent fish on YouTube. Just weird shit, ya know? Then he found SeaPunk, and it was kinda this Rosetta Stone to him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Jim Thuggin: The genre of art and music known as Seapunk is a post-modernist form of internet music originating around roughly 2011. As I best understand it – for I struggle with concepts such as “irony” – the music is best known as a evocation of Nineties rave culture, Web one-point-oh art, and the debated celebration or rejection of global capitalism.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Andre Aquarius: Some cats wanna shit on the aesthetic an’ otha bullshit of #BeachKrew as cheesy an’ missin’ the point, but ain’t nobody ‘cept the magazines been sayin’ Seapunk was ironic. You get a nigga like Jared Holmes, this cat who use ta get ripped an’ hit the mall ta ride the elevator fa hours, an’ I think you’ll see that sometimes what you see as “ironic” can be comfortin’ ta some folks. Ya see, Jared always felt his best when he’d be in a sterile environment, nahmean? Like this nigga loved the mall. He’d go pick up one of dem drive-thru Hurricanes that are fuckin’ loaded with booze and hit the mall.

Nigga wouldn’t even shop, either. He’d just hit the mall, get lit, and stare at the plastic plants an’ shit. I remember this one time we was smokin’ this dank as bud, eatin’ dem fuckin’ McDonald’s two cheeseburger meals outside, an’ Jared’s like “Bruh, I miss fuckin’ Sharper Image.” And I’m like “fuck you mean, bruh. Ain’t no one like Sharper Image.” But then he’s like, “And that’s why Sharper Image is so fresh, my nigga. Sharper Image full of that odd ball shit you go into an’ be like ‘damn, I’ma buy that shit for my moms’, but if a nigga buy you somethin’ from Sharper Image, you think he a straight fuccboi.” And while this nigga Jared ain’t makin’ any sense, he’s makin’ perfect sense: Sharper Image knows its some straight ass buster shit, sellin’ Razor scooters an’ that shit. But when a fresh ass nigga like Jared goes and buys from Sharper Image, he’s the realest nigga. Cuz ya see, irony is matter of perspective, an’ when rocked wit swag it’s all originality.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Wade Moor: I remember we were at this rager, and these fuccbois started ripping on my Hawaiian shirt. Then Jared came up and was like, “Yo, Swagrid is miles above you. That Hawaiian shirt is straight #BeachKrew.” Then Hunter just jumps on it like, “Yo, I do drive-bys on fuccboi-ass seals in San Francisco cause they breathe air. #BeachKrew, nilla!” An’ next thing you know, this fuckin’ group of us is trading off lines like, “I hang out with Slovenians who cry watching Ancient Aliens and drink Coronas out a bitch’s pussy. I’m a Celestial Barracuda. #BeachKrew.” Or maybe, “My clique wears water wings and have nuts that bob like buoys. #BeachKrew.” And that was the start of it.

Jared is the brains behind #BeachKrew. He took a bunch of guys from me to Thuggin to Hunter and gave us a common identity. He made us all make sense in the same room and clique. When we went to Toulane, we worshipped one god: Kanye West. Yeezus. Black Bacchus. And Jared was that swagged out prophet who told us to be ourselves, fuck the world, and swag until we died.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera cuts to a bar in New Orleans, dark and smoky with the faint whine of a blue saxophone floating through the air. Sitting at a table in the dim corner with crushed red velvet curtains hanging behind her, a young woman with dark brown hair and thick eyeliner stares into the camera, sipping on a bottle of Abita Purple Haze. The caption reads: “Nancy Hartigan, friend”.

Nancy Hartigan: Without Jared, no one would hang out with guys like Wade, Hunter, or Andre. Andre was a burnt out loser, Hunter was a drug dealer, and Wade was just kind of a creep. And don’t even get me started on that weird old man, Jim, that they hung out with. Jared surrounded himself with this group of misfits, but under the name of #BeachKrew they all became sexy. Suddenly, Hunter’s antics were less pathetic and more eccentric. Wade was less of a creep and more of this troubled poet soul who got all the women he wanted. Andre was this fashion icon, and Jim was kind of this idol ball icon. They always had the best drugs. They always knew the right words to say with at least one person.

When I met Wade at a Beta Alpha Psi party, everything about him had changed. Under the eye of Jared, Wade had more confidence. He wasn’t so shy and keeping to himself, he knew how to joke and puff his chest out. Wade truly became “Swagrid”, as Jared called him. And it made Wade sexy. I may know better now, but at the time, I thought Wade was the realest guy you could meet. They all were. None of them gave a fuck what you thought. They had the best drugs, and they threw the best parties. They got into a sort of exciting trouble that you just wanted to be a part of.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The camera cuts to a random woman: blonde, big tits, and big lips.

Woman #1: Jared was so. Much. Fun. To be around.

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The camera cuts to another woman: brunette, green eyes, and a thin face.

Woman #2: Jared was a god in the sack.

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A third woman: red-headed with a dusting of freckles and pale complexion.

Woman #3: Jared’s soul was – well – beautiful. He could recite poetry and listened when you spoke. You felt like he meant it when he told you he loved you as you fucked him. But-

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Woman #1: Jared’s an asshole.

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Woman #2: Jared’s a scumbag.

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Woman #3: Jared is a snake-oil salesman. You eventually realized that he told all girls these things. He wanted you to believe he was something he wasn’t. And you did.

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Woman #2: Jared is the best liar I have ever met. Eventually you realized that under the confidence, under the pretty eyes, and under his ability to quote Whitman was a guy who saw you as no better than a piece of meat.

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Woman #1: I’m pretty sure Jared is a psycho.

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Woman #3: One time he called me “Emma” in bed, and that was it.

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Woman #2: Yeah, who the fuck is this “Emma” girl he was all bent out of shape about?

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Woman #1: At first Jared would weave you this tale about “Emma” and you’d get this “kicked puppy” vibe for him, like he needed affection and attention because he had a broken heart or some shit. Then you started realizing… this is kinda weird. Like “serial killer” kinda weird.

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Emma Hartley: I’m not surprised that Jared still obsesses about me. I was the first girl to tell him to hit the road before he could do the same to me, and when you’ve got an ego and entitlement complex to the level that Jared does, it has to get under your skin to get beaten at your own game. I only think it’s sad that we broke up almost ten years ago and he isn’t over it. Maybe that would be the best way to describe how I feel about Jared: pity.

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Jim Thuggin: After several semesters, Favorite Earth Child Jared dropped out of Tulane due to boredom and apathy. It is probably worth noting that Earth Child Jared was making substantial amounts of money hosting illicit parties and dealing illicit substances at the time. Not that any of this information can be confirmed; it is entirely speculation. But Earth Child Jared certainly had higher ambitions than obtaining his degree in Finances and attending law school as his father had hoped.

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WCF reached out to Jared’s father, Edward Holmes, for comment on this video. He has yet to respond to our inquiries.

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Hunter Updegraff: Businessman. Busi-ness-man. Jared ain’t got time for that punk-ass higher education bullshit when life’s so short, know what I’m sayin’? Jared be on that HASHTAG GET RICH OR DIE TRYING hype. That nilla’s an iconoclast. We tryin’ ta start a swaggy aquatic revolution from this planet to beyond. So while kickin’ it in New Orleans was off the chain, ya know that shit wasn’t gonna last. Jared always had bigger goals. Always had bigger dreams. Nilla’s a visionary.

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Wade Moor: I didn’t follow Jared on leaving Tulane because I was ready to graduate when he decided to call it quits. But he stayed bummin’ around the French Quarter for, like, a year afterwards. I remember him and Andre had shacked up in this shitty little loft on Bourbon Street: fine ass retail space. Jared had a love of the streets and living dirty cause his old man wanted him inside. But you can’t keep a nilla like Jared locked indoors. I’d leave the bar at two AM with a little honey, and Jared would still be throwin’ ‘em back with Andre and Hunter. Jared would leave that place with five women because he understood the value of hard work. He knew it was all about planning and executing. He’s a fucking genius.

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Jim Thuggin: The Earth Child Jared stayed in New Orleans for a year before I gifted him with “Rey Mysterio: Life of a Masked Man”. It was that digital video disc which began Jared on the course to become Los Tiburones. It is his experiences in boarding school, in Los Angeles, and in New Orleans which made him the wrestler you see in the ring today.

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It’s easy enough to do it in a cell.

It’s easy enough to do it and stay put.

It’s the theatrical.

        -Sylvia Plath

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Part III: Swimming with Los Tiburones

The camera opens to the interior of another office; a wide window behind the person before the camera displays a breath-taking view of the ocean amongst the hustle and bustle of passers-by. The woman before the camera, sitting in a fabric upholstered chair, is of middle-age with sandy blonde hair, brilliant blue eyes, a thin face with full lips, and the crow’s-feet which come with sleepless and stressful nights of old age and divorce. The caption beneath her reads: “Barbara Holmes, mother”.

Barbara Holmes: Professional wrestling would never be a career that Edward would’ve wanted Jared to pursue. I hardly speak with either these days, but when I found that Jared had dropped out of Tulane, I knew his father would be furious with him. I only caught wind of this luchador shark thing through a Facebook status he posted upon his debut night. I’ve watched his matches since he’s begun wrestling in the WCF, and he acts exactly as I’d image him to act.

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Wade Moor: Some people think Jared is a sucky wrestler. A lot of people think #BeachKrew are all image and no substance. And that’s exactly what Jared wants you to think. He wants people to put their guard down in the ring and not come in level-headed. When we squared off against Pantheon in our debut, Jared pulled me aside in the wings of the stage and was like, “These guys think we’re a joke. We wanna keep making them think we’re a joke. Let’s go steal one from them in the most bullshit fashion because we’re smarter and they suck.” And that’s exactly what we did.

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Footage plays of #BeachKrew’s debut match: Los Tiburones and Wade Moor versus Scarecrow and Alex Richards. The footage begins with Wade and Tiburones menacing Richards and Crow with a chair before Pantheon begin to get the upperhand! Right as the ref stirs, #BeachKrew drop to the mat with Crow standing above them holding a chair. The ref signals for the bell as Wade and Tiburones rolls from the ring, faux-limping up the ramp as they smile smugly to themselves.

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Jim Thuggin: Pantheon fell to #BeachKrew because their notions of what does and does not constitute a win are incompatible with the realities of the world. Some people may argue that #BeachKrew did not deserve their win, but I will counter this argument that the human concept of “fairness” and “justice” is an abstract and formality held only by those who require a concept to hold a sense of sacredness to sleep soundly at night. Truly, #BeachKrew is designed to be purposefully disruptive and offensive to those whole value such concepts, along with “honor”, “truth”, and “holy”. #BeachKrew worships Satan not because Satan exists – it does not. It worships it because there are wrestlers in this federation, such as Thomas Uriel Bates, who cling to antiquated concepts such as an omnipotent, omniscient deity. We have an intimate understanding that such beliefs serve as little more than a metaphorical blanket against the grim realities of mortality. To celebrate Satan is to celebrate nothingness. It is liberation.

In this same sense, the win of #BeachKrew over Pantheon simply cannot be negated by pointing to their underhanded tactics. Alex Richards and Corvus Cane simply failed to adapt; they were not willing to win by any means necessary and did not think clearly enough. They underestimated our abilities for cunning, teamwork, and improvisation. These are the traits which homo sapiens evolved so as to survive in their environment. Alex Richards and Corvus Cane would not survive in the jungle; my Earth Children would.

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The camera cuts to Kyle Kemp, sitting in his make-up chair being dolled up by a busty red-headed assistant in a low-cut shirt and booty shorts, her lips painted a brilliant red and her lashes long as a cat. Kemp smirks at the camera.

Kyle Kemp: It’s a simple answer, really: #BeachKrew are better than you. We’re better than everyone going into WAR. We’re smarter, more athletic, faster, more charismatic, and more team-oriented. When Jared reached out to me after I came to that sick rager they threw in the parking lot of Slam, I knew that I’d be the perfect fit for them. So when Jared hit me up about booting Moreno in the dome to send him to the same vegetable ward Jared had sent Mitch Morales, it was like a match made in Heaven.

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Emma Hartley: What Jared did to Derek Moreno and Mitch Morales is nothing less than I’d expect Jared to do to someone. He’s a bully. He’s petty. He’s an arrogant, self-centered brat. When Seth Lerch demanded that match, it was no doubt that Jared would find some way to skirt the rules and half-ass it. What do you think Kyle Kemp was? A contingency plan? It was Jared sending someone to pee in a guy’s bed again on his behalf.

People seem to think that Jared does what he does out of cowardice or insecurity. Maybe there’s some of that, but I think it overlooks the bigger fact: Jared is just a rotten bastard. He’s a manipulative, spiteful, cruel dickhead who wants to smack down anyone who dares stand up to him. And he cheats and undercuts because his ego is so swollen that he doesn’t want to try to do anything himself, even if he could. He doesn’t feel anyone is worthy of his effort. Frankly, after some conversations I had with Jared in the past, when he was a little too high or drunk, I don’t even think Jared believes some of these people actually exist.

He’s just… sick.

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Wade Moor: As Jared went on to fight Teo, it was absolutely baffling that Teo was the favored victor to everyone… except for Jared. Jared loved the idea that no one thought he could win. He relished that he was being treated like a non-factor and that folks wanted to pretend he wasn’t a threat. And you know what? This is why he’s a genius: he’s playing these guys like a fiddle. All of these guys are laughing in his face or ignoring him while he’s putting rounds in the chamber. He’s got your file. He’s got your name and your ass. Jared is about to stomp into WAR and run a train on these guys if they haven’t figured it out yet.

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Andre Aquarius: It’s almost embarassin’ these niggas still sleepin’ on us, nahmean? Cuz we be like, puttin’ in work like a mofucka, an’ the results are there. Everytime #BeachKrew step up in the place, we ain’t never failed. Ain’t a single one of us been pinned, an’ that includes bitches like Sandy, ya feel me? We got the best team dynamic in the world cuz we ain’t lettin’ another mothafucka pin us or make us tap, an’ when we can’t get our boys backs cuz racist ass crackers like Seth be tryin’ ta hold us down, we’re comin’ out with swingin’ dicks an’ winnin’, ya feel me? Wade said he gon’ beat Crow? Oh shit, Crow dead. Jared said he gon’ beat Teo? Fuck dem ties, this nigga Jared got that Sea-V Championship, nahmean? Fukken Thuggin ‘bout to win manager of the year on this shit, an’ we about to roll outta WAR with a big ass paycheck an’ big ass match for ONE. You can pin a nigga in #BeachKrew during WAR, but if one of us walks out on top, then we be the realest niggas to beat. Ain’t nobody beaten #BeachKrew straight up. And these fuccbois still be sleepin’ on us like we ain’t no this or we ain’t no hitta.

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Jim Thuggin: As it stands, #BeachKrew has three belts. You may argue that Earth Child Wade does not legally possess the Earth Connect Portals Championship, but this would be largely a technicality. This makes #BeachKrew have as many championships, in terms of raw numbers, as Imperium upon their formation, Pantheon before the injury of Jay Omega, and the Dark Riders Gang at their height. At present, no other collective of individuals holds more championships than the #BeachKrew, and we have accomplished this feat within the relatively low timespan of a month. There comes a point when the Wrestling Championship Federation must accept that it is only deceiving itself by writing #BeachKrew off. Our talent is unsurpassed. Our stars are rising at a staggering rate. Favorite Earth Child Jared holds one of the most prestigious belts in the company, and any notable threat has been summarily dealt with.

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Barbara Holmes: I’m proud of Jared. He’s become a pop culture figure. His name is a brand which can sell, and even though he plays a villain on television, he’s found a medium to showcase his creative and athleticism. Jared has always been a bright boy, even if he lacked motivation, and I know that he can do great things, even if his father doesn’t always appreciate them.

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Hunter Updegraff: Real talk, I got a dick-ton of money on Jared to go all the way. I’m tryin’ ta make my bail money hashtag prison sucks. But this is the safest bet I got with all y’all mothafuckas sleepin’ on it. Jared said it himself so many times, y’all just dumb: #BeachKrew only loses when it decides it wants to. Jared’s gone out there and fuckin’ murked e’ery match he wants. And if I know this nilla? He wants to win WAR.

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Emma Hartley: Two things will go down in the legacy of Jared Holmes. The first is he’ll have a rehab center and a Planned Parenthood named in his honor. The second is that he’ll win WAR. Because if Jared wants to win WAR, nothing will stop him. Nothing.

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Copyright Wrestling Championship Federation 2015